Avoidant Reveals: I Almost Destroyed My Relationship By Trying to First Become ”Securely Attached"

0:00I often see people working really hard

0:03to become securely attached.

0:06It's often after a breakup or before a

0:09relationship when they are trying to get

0:11back with a partner, often an avoidant

0:13partner. And it reminds me of myself

0:15from almost 15 years ago where I went

0:18through my own breakup. And I want to

0:19share my story as a former avoidant

0:23trying to turn secure and how it almost

0:26ruined my relationship with my then

0:29girlfriend now wife. And since I work

0:32with people who fall into the same trap,

0:35I want to kind of save you the pain. Hi,

0:37I'm Gabriel. I run the website

0:39simplytogether.co

0:41with my wife Carolina. For those of you

0:43that may not know, becoming secure in

0:46your attachment style means that you are

0:48not afraid of loving or being loved.

0:52That you're comfortable with closeness,

0:54okay with distance, and don't need a

0:57relationship to really regulate your

0:59emotions. So, it's an ideal we're kind

1:02of all striving towards. As mentioned, I

1:04went through a breakup about 15 years

1:06ago and it really left me spiraling. I

1:10was in a bad place. I was having an

1:13existential crisis at the time. I had

1:15just left a dogmatic cult I was raised

1:18in and my friendship circles were

1:21falling apart. There was just a lot

1:23going wrong on top of this breakup.

1:27And somehow that really inspired me to

1:30want to become more secure. Back then,

1:33attachment styles weren't trending quite

1:36so much. There were more terms like

1:39wholeness, safety, and confidence. But

1:42ultimately, they were all striving

1:44towards the same ideals of finding a

1:47secure attachment style. So, I just dove

1:50right in. I was reading books, watching

1:52videos, taking programs, coaching,

1:54whatever it took.

1:56I worked really hard to try and become

1:59more secure in my attachment style. And

2:02a couple of months into that process,

2:04I met Carolina, who, spoiler alert, is

2:07my wife today.

2:08But, we had amazing attraction, instant

2:12chemistry, but I was trying to abstain

2:14at the time because I was trying to

2:16become more secure. And I didn't want to

2:18need somebody else to have that sense of

2:22fullness and enoughness. So,

2:24essentially, I didn't feel like I was

2:26ready for a relationship because I

2:29wasn't fully secure in my attachment

2:32style yet. And this is where I find some

2:35of the initial problems can start to

2:37crop up in striving towards a secure

2:41attachment style because it can be

2:43misunderstood as seeking perfect

2:46self-sufficiency. That you're kind of

2:48working on yourself and waiting to be

2:50perfectly secure and healed before

2:53getting into a relationship. In a sense,

2:55it's almost as though we're looking for

2:56this perfect safety from within where we

3:00don't depend on somebody else to have

3:02it. And in and of itself, I think that's

3:04a nice aspiration to be as

3:06self-sufficient as possible. But, when

3:08we take it to an extreme, we can really

3:10ruin our chances. So much so in the case

3:13with Carolina, had I pushed this too

3:15hard of saying I'm not ready for a

3:18relationship now and I want to abstain

3:20and I have to first get secure and

3:23whatnot,

3:24she would have eventually have lost

3:26patience and just moved on.

3:29And I'm sure glad I caved and did not

3:32endlessly pursue the desire to become

3:36securely attached before getting into a

3:38relationship

3:40cuz I may not have been with her today

3:41otherwise. So, this is the first way in

3:43which waiting to become secure first

3:46almost ruined my chance at a future

3:48relationship. And the second mistake I

3:50made that I see a lot of others make, is

3:52believing that being secure by myself

3:55was the same thing as being secure in a

3:57relationship. Because I felt pretty good

4:00on my own. I had done a lot of work. I

4:02had

4:04dug up my past, worked through things,

4:06built up my confidence, dealt with

4:08insecurities I had,

4:10and felt more secure and independent

4:13than I had in my life. I just knew

4:16myself a whole lot better. But the

4:18difference between taking this path solo

4:22and being in a relationship is that

4:24relationships don't just bring out our

4:27strengths. They also highlight our

4:30weaknesses and our innermost troubles

4:33and insecurities. And of course, in that

4:36also provide opportunities to overcome

4:38them. But when we're stuck in believing

4:41we have to become secure first, we don't

4:45realize we're kind of operating in a

4:46vacuum, where it's a whole lot easier to

4:49self-regulate, to be self-sufficient.

4:52Because when I was in my relationship

4:54with Carolina, I was confronted with

4:56myself a whole lot more. I discovered I

5:00could be dismissive, distant, arrogant,

5:03avoidant, of course. And all of these

5:06things would never have occurred to me.

5:07I would never have been confronted with

5:09this

5:10had it not been for me being in a

5:12relationship with her.

5:14If I'm by myself, sure you might have a

5:16friend

5:17uh that challenges you sometimes,

5:20but that's on the rarer end. Most people

5:22want to play it fine and not rock the

5:25boat too much. And the stakes are a lot

5:27lower in a friendship than they are in a

5:29relationship. So this was another way in

5:31which I almost ruined my chances at a

5:34future relationship by really trying too

5:37hard to be secure first, independent of

5:41a relationship. Also, let me know in the

5:43comments what you believe your

5:45attachment style is. I'm curious to

5:47know. Now, the third trap, and almost

5:50biggest way in which I almost ruined my

5:52relationship, and again, I see this with

5:55people a lot of the time, is that when

5:57you spend so much energy and attention

6:01and time in

6:02building a secure attachment style,

6:05you might start to think you have it all

6:08figured out. I certainly did. So, that

6:11when I got into a relationship with

6:13Carolina, since I had done all the work

6:15and read all these books and understood

6:18so much of the theory,

6:20I was relating to Carolina from a place

6:22of believing I was secure and she was

6:25not. In other words, believing she was

6:28the one that needed to work on herself,

6:31not me, because I was ahead of the game.

6:34And I'm sure you can see how if you are

6:37in a relationship and one of you is

6:40relating to the other as though they

6:42have it all figured out because they've

6:44read the theory or they have done the

6:46work or gone to therapy, whatever it

6:48might be, that it spells disaster.

6:52Because you don't have what we really

6:55like to emphasize today, this equal

6:58playing field of relating to each other

7:00as equals and operating as a team.

7:03Because the truth is, it doesn't matter

7:05how many books you've read, how many

7:08workshops you've been to, there is

7:11always more.

7:13And everybody's path to healing and

7:16becoming secure is different.

7:18Not everybody needs to go down this

7:21personal growth route. For others, life

7:24is a teacher, nature is a teacher, our

7:26friends and family can be. It all very

7:29much depends on what works individually

7:32for a person. So, don't fall into the

7:35trap of believing you have it all

7:38figured out. We never do.

7:40Just because

7:41you're more informed and maybe you can

7:43articulate yourself better. In doing so,

7:46we actually set ourselves a huge trap in

7:48our relationships which will set us up

7:51for serious disappointment and a lot of

7:54unnecessary conflict.

7:56Let's relate to each other on a more

7:58equal playing field here. Now, with that

8:00being said, I do understand how

8:03frustrating it is when you feel like

8:06you're the one who's putting in the time

8:09and effort to try and make things work

8:11and it feels like your partner doesn't

8:14care.

8:15That they are maybe lounging around and

8:17kind of living your relationship on

8:20autopilot without trying to proactively

8:23address the issues that are definitely

8:26there. That you're not imagining. And

8:29sometimes it really boils down to just

8:31how you communicate this to them, how

8:34you illustrate the pain point without

8:38them getting triggered, without them

8:39getting upset.

8:41So, if you've tried this many times over

8:44and it has not worked, you feel like

8:47you're hitting a roadblock, consider

8:48working with me. I can help you in a

8:50one-on-one call and we can figure out a

8:53way to bypass all those defensive walls

8:56that kind of just automatically come up

8:58for them

8:59and convey your needs in a way that you

9:01can actually start having them met. If

9:04you're interested in that, I'll drop a

9:06link in the video description and you

9:07can check it out there. So, with

9:09everything we've covered so far about

9:11aspiring to a secure attachment style

9:14sometimes being a way of shooting

9:16yourself in the foot, I do want to

9:19emphasize the exceptions here. Because

9:22there most certainly are exceptions. For

9:24example, you find yourself repeatedly in

9:27toxic or even abusive relationships,

9:31then you definitely need to first build

9:34some clear boundaries. You don't want to

9:36just jump into the next relationship.

9:39Another situation is if you tend to

9:41fully lose yourself in relationships,

9:43like your sense of self, any boundaries,

9:46then you probably need to develop a

9:47stronger sense of self and individuality

9:50before trying to get into another

9:52relationship. That can definitely help.

9:54And lastly, if you're overwhelmed with

9:56extreme anxiety

9:58that results in damaging behaviors,

10:01whether that's towards your partner or

10:03yourself, that's also a good time to

10:06take a pause from relationships and work

10:09on developing a more secure attachment

10:11style. So, in conclusion, the lessons I

10:13would like to share with you based on my

10:16own experiences and those of many other

10:18people I have worked with,

10:20I want to say that we live in a day and

10:22age where we heavily rely on online

10:26interactions, and there's a lot of

10:28social atrophy.

10:30We function and work on ourselves in

10:33isolation often. We get through the day

10:35without having to speak to each other

10:37even much. You can order everything

10:39online, whether it's your food, your

10:42needs, even

10:43I've seen in Japan they have these

10:45rent-a-parent or rent-a-girlfriend

10:48experiences. I don't know if you guys

10:50just search on YouTube quickly if you're

10:51curious.

10:53It's a service where somebody performs a

10:56social function in your life, right? You

10:58can rent a dad for a day, or a mom, or

11:01whatever it is.

11:02And they role-play that for you. So,

11:05we're at a point where we're

11:06commodifying our relationships, and

11:10though I can appreciate that for some

11:12people that works, it fills a hole, it's

11:15also sad that we've come to this point

11:18as a society, as a species,

11:20that we pay for human interaction. We

11:22are fundamentally social beings.

11:25Even if we're not in a relationship, we

11:28have our friendships, we have our

11:29co-workers, family. So, I find that when

11:32we're putting too much emphasis on

11:34becoming securely attached in isolation,

11:37we're forgetting how we actually operate

11:40and that we need all these social

11:42interactions. And these are the mirrors

11:44that are held up to us. These are the

11:46things that help us grow. And it doesn't

11:49even need to be strictly a romantic

11:51relationship. Even just interacting with

11:53groups, with friends, teaches us a lot

11:56about ourselves. So, I find that trying

11:58to be securely attached outside of a

12:01relationship is a bit like trying to

12:03learn to swim without being in water.

12:06You only truly meet yourself and learn

12:09about yourself in relationships because

12:12growth and becoming secure doesn't

12:15happen in a vacuum. And this was my

12:17lesson, too, that I became far more

12:20truly secure

12:22in my relationship. Like, really secure.

12:25Where the rubber hits the road. Where

12:28seeing and knowing yourself better than

12:30ever happens because you're confronted

12:33with your own shortcomings, your own

12:34limitations. That you maybe don't listen

12:38well. That you are oblivious to other

12:40people's needs. And your partner, of

12:42course, the same way, right? It's a

12:44two-way street where we can learn from

12:46each other. So, the key takeaway here is

12:49that relationships are an endless

12:51journey. And true secure attachment and

12:54growth does not happen in isolation, but

12:58in relationships.

13:00It is easy to think you've got it all

13:03figured out when you're operating by

13:06yourself, right? But the moment you

13:07interact with somebody, it's a whole lot

13:10harder and for good reason. Now, if you

13:12know somebody that you believe is

13:14operating in isolation and could do with

13:16this video, feel free to share it with

13:18them. And if you want to hear more about

13:20my journey from going avoidant to

13:22secure, you can click this video to

13:26watch my wife and I discuss it. Or if

13:28you want to know how my wife journeyed

13:30from anxious to secure, then you can

13:32watch this podcast episode where we also

13:34discuss at length how she went through

13:36her journey.