Avoidant Reveals: Why Your Patience Is Our Greatest Hope

0:00Hey guys, today I want to talk to you

0:02about why your patience is actually an

0:05avoidant's greatest hope. Why it's

0:08actually something they desperately need

0:11to make it through the other side.

0:13And when I say make it through to the

0:15other side, I'm actually talking about

0:17them finding an emotional home.

0:21Because they're actually very

0:23emotionally lost, and I can say that

0:25with certainty because I was that

0:29avoidant. I was leaning dismissive

0:31avoidant. For those of you that are new

0:33here, by the way, I'm Gabriel.

0:35And so I want to explain how your

0:37patience in a way is that magnet to them

0:41that helps them actually find back to an

0:45emotional home, or helps them even build

0:47one cuz they might not even have one to

0:49begin with. A caveat in this, of course,

0:52is

0:53how much patience is too much patience,

0:55and we'll definitely get into that later

0:58in the video. For now, let's talk about

1:00why for an avoidant your patience

1:03matters so much, and the primary reason

1:05is

1:06they haven't actually experienced it. I

1:09haven't experienced much patience in my

1:11life. It was, in fact, a very

1:13high-pressure environment where there

1:16were a lot of demands and expectations.

1:19And your avoidant may have had a similar

1:21upbringing, right? Whether that's in

1:23their family or educational or career

1:26environment, where there is just an

1:29immense amount of pressure to perform,

1:32to have instant results quickly, and

1:35there be no margin for error, no

1:38patience of any kind.

1:40Where they have to be this top

1:42performer. So, if you know them to have

1:45had an upbringing that echoed that, or

1:49spent a longer amount of time in an

1:52environment that was that way, that was

1:54demanding that from them, then know that

1:56to them that's a standard. It's their

1:59default. They don't expect patience. So,

2:03when you are actually patient with them,

2:06it's a bit of a shock or surprise,

2:08right? They might actually have this

2:10anticipation of waiting for the other

2:13shoe to drop. Because that's what

2:16they've had their whole lives. So, when

2:18they spend time with you over the course

2:20of weeks, months,

2:22years even, and that doesn't happen

2:26or rarely happens, right? You're human,

2:28too. They start to see you and

2:31themselves in a very different light.

2:33They experience the patience, the

2:37understanding, and the love rather than

2:40you have to perform now, you have to do

2:43this right now. And that's the first

2:46thing that slowly starts to soften their

2:49heart, to soften their walls, so that

2:52they start to trust you more, and start

2:55to feel more at home with you. Which

2:58leads me to the next point, which is I

3:01really needed the patience, that

3:04environment of patience, to find myself.

3:07When you grow up in that aforementioned

3:09chaotic, high-pressure environment

3:13or family, there's simply no room for

3:16your true self, for who you are. So,

3:19somewhere along the way,

3:21I personally lost myself. I personally

3:23lost who I was,

3:25and became a version of what was

3:28expected. I had adapted. And in the same

3:30way, your avoidant may have had to,

3:33almost likely did, have to adapt to

3:36whatever degree, and fulfill certain

3:38roles and functions. And if they do that

3:40for long enough, of course, they're not

3:42really sure of who they are. They're

3:45just fulfilling the function.

3:47So, your patience, in turn, is the thing

3:51that really helps them helps them

3:53understand hey, maybe this isn't quite

3:57who I am. So, your patience is really

4:00the catalyst, the thing that helps them

4:03suddenly have room and an experience of

4:07exploring themselves, figuring out what

4:10they want, what they don't want, what

4:12they feel rather than what they believe

4:15they should feel.

4:17And that kind of space allows for a

4:20level of self-exploration that they

4:22probably didn't have before. And again,

4:25when you are providing that for them

4:28on a regular basis over a longer period

4:30of time,

4:32they start associating all of those

4:33positive experiences with you. And the

4:36reason this is so important is

4:38avoidance often have this tendency to be

4:42full of doubt about what they want, what

4:45they maybe should want. And when they're

4:48given this space, this environment to

4:51figure it out for themselves, it all

4:53goes from the imposed expectations that

4:56were set earlier in their lives to what

4:59do I actually want? And when you are

5:02part of that transition, that journey,

5:05it builds an immense amount of

5:07attachment to you.

5:09Because you are the one that facilitated

5:12that journey for them, that transition.

5:14And it can be a very scary one, and

5:17don't get me wrong, it's often chaotic.

5:20They will feel lost, they will

5:21second-guess

5:23themselves, you often

5:25will also be on the chopping block

5:26because

5:28when they start putting their

5:29conditioning into question, their

5:31upbringing, everything kind of falls

5:33into question. It's like, what can I

5:35even trust anymore? Whom can I even

5:37trust anymore?

5:38And you will also be put under that

5:40level of scrutiny, deserved or not. But,

5:43it's generally just a phase, it's a

5:45transition that they just need to go

5:47through.

5:48And once that happens, for me

5:50personally, for example, with my wife

5:52Carolina, the scrutiny ends and

5:56gratitude and attachment

5:59take its place.

6:01Because again, she was the one that

6:04really took me through that whole

6:05process. She supported me. She was

6:07patient

6:08and by my side as I was transitioning.

6:12So, if things seem a little bleak right

6:14now with your avoidant, know that this

6:17isn't the end stage. It's sometimes just

6:21the transition, the part that they're

6:22kind of going through. And once they're

6:25out on the other side, you'll have

6:26somebody that's more openly attached and

6:30trusting towards you, rather than

6:32endlessly suspicious and needing space.

6:35Now, the next reason your patience is so

6:37important is that avoidants need to

6:39discover that they are lovable. They

6:42often have this deep-rooted belief that

6:45they are not, that somehow again they

6:47have to fulfill these expectations,

6:49these functions, these roles, so that

6:52they are then bestowed with love, right?

6:55That they have earned it. But when you

6:57are the person facilitating that

6:58patience, again it kind of challenges

7:02this narrative of I must do XYZ, fulfill

7:05these functions, and then I am lovable,

7:08because you're probably just really

7:10enjoying who they are. You're enjoying

7:12their company. You like spending time

7:14together. And sure, every relationship

7:16has pragmatics and logistics. It's not

7:19like it's all sunshine and rainbows,

7:21but your primary focus with them,

7:25I would presume, is to enjoy the

7:27company, right? To have a good time, to

7:29build a life together, which can be very

7:32contrary to what they have previously

7:33experienced. So, when they have this,

7:36"Oh, like she's relating to me" or "he's

7:38relating to me, they just like me for

7:41who I am and love me for who I am, it's

7:44initially a very strange sensation and

7:47they kind of need to work through that

7:48again. And there is this

7:50process of going from

7:53I believe that love comes from me

7:56fulfilling these very specific functions

7:58and roles to oh, I'm just being loved

8:01because of who I am. And that seems a

8:03bit alien at first and people don't

8:05understand why and I didn't understand

8:08why.

8:09But once you get through the other side,

8:11you can expect your partner to be far

8:14more attached to you.

8:17You're the one that showed them, "Hey,

8:19I'm patient. I'm waiting here

8:22and you're lovable.

8:23And I love you." And so, what this all

8:26accumulates to, right? The initial

8:29patience, the space for them to figure

8:32out who they are, to realize that they

8:35are lovable, you providing that patience

8:38for them to go through those stages and

8:40that transition,

8:42results and accumulates in

8:45them finally finding an emotional home.

8:48And that emotional home is you. So, they

8:52can become attached. They can overcome

8:55their avoidant tendencies. Day by day,

8:58week by week, it's not a light switch

9:00moment. But ultimately, you are the one

9:03waiting at the finish line that they

9:05want to embrace once they've crossed it

9:07and

9:08achieved that transition, succeeded in

9:12shedding some of that trauma, that

9:15perception of who they are that was just

9:17very distorted and inaccurate. Now, this

9:20is of course also describing the ideal

9:24scenario. I don't want to sugarcoat this

9:26because I know for some of you there is

9:29a lot more tension and push-pull and

9:32your avoidant is wanting space the whole

9:34time and and just might be an overall

9:36more complicated picture, which is why I

9:39also want to and need to talk about when

9:41you should stop being patient. Right,

9:44there is a limit. You can't be

9:46infinitely giving. It's not healthy for

9:49you. It's not healthy for your

9:50relationship, and it's not going to work

9:52for them, either. And the first and most

9:54obvious case is if you're being used.

9:57I've had clients that have this

9:59underlying fear that their avoidant is

10:02just using their patience to kind of get

10:06through their issues, work things

10:07through, and there's a suspicion or some

10:11kind of gut feeling that once they

10:13finally cross that finish line, they're

10:15not going to go and embrace them.

10:17They're going to go embrace somebody

10:19else.

10:20Right, that they just take everything

10:22that they needed from you, everything

10:24that you were providing, all the

10:26patience and love and understanding,

10:28and then just jump ship.

10:30So, if you have a suspicion that your

10:34avoidant partner

10:36has that tendency, has that potential,

10:39that you've seen other orange flags

10:41somewhere along the line that indicate

10:43that might be in their character, it's

10:46important to be careful here, right? You

10:48don't want to just

10:50Don't don't fall into the trap of

10:52thinking that

10:54being endlessly patient and giving fixes

10:57everything. It does not. You must

10:59certainly also need to know when to draw

11:02a boundary, when to draw a line,

11:05so that you aren't being used, and also

11:07so that your avoidant understands the

11:10value what you are providing.

11:12It's a bit of a balance you need to

11:14find. Going to either extreme isn't

11:16healthy. You don't want to be over

11:18giving, and you don't want to be

11:19abandoning or rejecting, either. Right,

11:21there's this middle ground. Now, another

11:23sign you want to be limiting your

11:25patience

11:27is if this has been going on for months

11:30or even years.

11:32I've seen cases where it may just be,

11:35let's say, two to a four-month period

11:39where there's just a lot of maybe

11:41external pressure, a career, family,

11:44something that's just really making the

11:47relationship difficult right now, and an

11:50avoidant partner just needs a lot of

11:53patience, a lot of additional support.

11:55That's okay. If that

11:58is just a temporary state, right? It's

12:01an emergency situation, if you will. But

12:04if that drags on, and there's just this

12:06pattern of them doing push-pull, of

12:08going hot and cold, of being there and

12:11suddenly withdrawing, and if that goes

12:13on for not just months, but even years,

12:16that is too much. You are giving too

12:19much of your love and patience. That's

12:22where knowing your own worth and

12:23boundaries need to take the priority

12:26over the patience. So, remember, if you

12:28feel like you're being used, that

12:30they're going to jump ship, or if this

12:32is dragging out for months or years, or

12:36if it's a combination of the two,

12:38that's where the patience is not going

12:40to fix anything anymore, and you need to

12:42resort to other measures.

12:44You can find out more about how to

12:45handle that in our attachment avoidant

12:48program, which I'll link in the

12:50description. You can check it out there.

12:52Now, I've talked about this transition,

12:54right? From avoidant to a more

12:58wholesome, loving, attached person.

13:02And this transition from avoidant to

13:05secure is something my wife and I

13:07actually talked about in a lot of depth

13:09in one of our podcast episodes. We

13:11called it from avoidant to secure, how I

13:14stopped running from love. So, if you're

13:16curious to check that out, you can watch

13:18that right here. I'll link it.