Avoidant Shutdown: Why Your Logic Feels Like An Attack to Them

0:00So, you're sitting there and you try to

0:02broach the subject of your avoidant's

0:04recent behavior.

0:06As gentle as you try to be, you can

0:09immediately see their body language

0:11shifts to being more defensive. But, you

0:14know that you're being reasonable and

0:16logical. You're only stating the facts,

0:19and you trust that your avoidant partner

0:21will eventually understand what you're

0:23trying to communicate. But, you and I

0:25both know that that's not how this went

0:28down.

0:29Things only got worse, in fact. And with

0:32every additional attempt at trying to

0:34explain yourself, they only became more

0:37defensive and frustrated with you.

0:40And eventually, you either dropped it or

0:43things escalated. Sometimes, these

0:45situations can even lead to a full-on

0:48breakup. But, today I'm going to help

0:50you understand why your logic feels like

0:54an attack to your avoidant sometimes,

0:56and what you need to do instead to get

0:58through to them. Hi, I'm Gabriel, and I

1:01run simplytogether.co with my wife,

1:03Carolyn.

1:04By the end of this video, you'll

1:06understand exactly why your calm,

1:09reasonable explanations are likely to

1:12backfire. And you'll walk away with a

1:14completely different approach to these

1:17kinds of conversations, so they can

1:19finally hear you instead of just

1:21shutting down right away. Now, I want to

1:23tell you about a person I coached, let's

1:27call her Casey, who was anxiously

1:30attached and was dating an avoidant

1:32named Finn.

1:34And she kept trying to talk to him about

1:37his emotional unavailability.

1:39The way he'd sometimes just disappear

1:41for a while with no explanation

1:43whatsoever, and then he'd come back and

1:45act like nothing even happened. At one

1:47point, she just had enough. And when

1:51they finally saw each other again, she

1:54mustered the courage and calmly tried

1:56walking him through why his disappearing

1:59act hurt her so much. "I just need you

2:01to understand where I'm coming from,"

2:03she said, laying out her points one by

2:07one, staying composed, choosing her

2:09words carefully, so nothing would come

2:12across as an accusation.

2:14But Finn didn't hear someone trying to

2:16connect with him. Instead, he heard a

2:18case being built against him. And every

2:21calm, logical point made made him feel

2:25smaller. And in the case of dismissive

2:27avoidance, they might have just said,

2:30"I can't do this right now," and walked

2:32out. But Finn leaned more fearful

2:34avoidant, and he actually agreed with

2:37most of what Casey said.

2:39Nonetheless, after all that transpired,

2:43and Casey felt like it was a positive

2:45conversation,

2:46Finn reverted right back to his typical

2:48behavior, shut down, and pulled a

2:51disappearing act. Now, your version of

2:54this may look completely different in

2:56the details, the specific behavior, the

2:58words, and so forth. But the underlying

3:00pattern tends to be the same across

3:02almost every person we work with. You

3:05try to explain something logically, your

3:07avoidant feels attacked, and they shut

3:09down. So, I want to talk about a couple

3:11of reasons why your avoidant behaves

3:14this way. So, check which ones fit for

3:16you in your case, and then we'll get

3:19into what you can do about it. Now, one

3:21of the first reasons they might react

3:23this way to your logic,

3:25and reasonable logic at that, is that

3:28this might remind them of an ex or a

3:30parent. This might be the first time

3:32you've personally had this exact

3:34conversation with them, but for your

3:36avoidant, the moment doesn't feel new at

3:39all. For Finn, Casey's calm, methodical

3:42explanations reminded him of something

3:45older than their relationship, his

3:47mother, who used to sit him down as a

3:50child and rationally list everything

3:52he'd done wrong, speaking in the same

3:55reasonable, calm tone similar to what

3:58Casey used.

3:59And to young Finn, that tone was a

4:03warning sign because he knew what was

4:05going to follow was criticism and shame

4:09for expressing his feelings. So, years

4:11later, anytime someone sat him down with

4:14the same composed, logical delivery,

4:17some part of him wasn't in the room with

4:20her anymore. He was back in that

4:22childhood bracing for being shut down

4:25all over again. So, something about your

4:28tone, your timing, or even the specific

4:30words you choose can trigger an old

4:33association buried decades deep.

4:37And they're right back to being 7 years

4:39old,

4:40being told off and just shutting down.

4:43Now, another reason why your logic might

4:45feel like an attack to your avoidant is

4:48that they have resentment from repeated

4:51attempts at addressing their behavior.

4:53This might not be the first time you've

4:55tried to have this conversation with

4:57them,

4:58and each additional attempt has quietly

5:01built up resentment on their end.

5:03This was true for Finn as well. So,

5:06every time Casey circled back with, "Let

5:08me just explain it properly."

5:11hoping this would finally be the attempt

5:13that landed, he just felt more cornered,

5:16and certainly did not understand what

5:18she was trying to communicate. And he'd

5:21respond with, "It's just never good

5:22enough. I can't make you happy."

5:25And that's where it kind of ended. So,

5:27if you've tried and tried again to have

5:29a reasonable conversation, then chances

5:32are to your avoidant, this no longer

5:34feels like communication, but like

5:37pressure. Now, the next reason is one I

5:39see being very common with people that I

5:42coach, and that is your point is valid,

5:45but it's a sensitive point. Sometimes

5:48the reason they're getting defensive has

5:51less to do with how you're delivering

5:53the message and more with how accurate

5:55it is. Disappearing for a while and

5:58being emotionally unavailable were

6:00patterns Finn already knew about himself

6:03because his exes had called him out on

6:06it. And he even privately judged himself

6:08for it, but didn't know what to do about

6:10it.

6:11And hearing them yet again, this time

6:14through Casey, hit an already sensitive

6:16nerve.

6:18So, the fact that your point, what

6:20you're upset about, what you're trying

6:21to communicate, is valid, can trigger

6:25even more defensiveness and make them

6:26shut down. Now, the final reason I want

6:29to mention is that they can feel

6:32defenseless, small, and patronized

6:35when you're taking this approach.

6:37So, underneath all the three reasons

6:39that we just covered, being talked to

6:42this way, reminding them of an ex or

6:45parent, having resentment from repeated

6:47attempts you have had in trying to get

6:50through to them,

6:52and your point being valid, but being a

6:54very sensitive point to them,

6:57are all the same core experience.

6:59Because when somebody repeatedly hears

7:01calm, logical explanations, even fair

7:04well-intentioned ones, they can end up

7:07feeling defenseless, small, and

7:09patronized.

7:11And Finn wasn't rejecting the substance

7:13of what Casey was saying. He was

7:15actually just reacting to being what he

7:18experienced as talked down to.

7:21And that feeling activated his deepest

7:23fear of being controlled or diminished

7:26by someone he believed he was safe with.

7:28And I know this from my own experience

7:30as a former avoider myself with my wife,

7:33Carolina.

7:34She could very well be right on all

7:37counts, but I would reject her point

7:40simply because I felt patronized and

7:42small. And once those feelings take

7:45over, the conversation stops being about

7:48the actual issue at hand that you're

7:50trying to raise, the disappearing, the

7:52silence, and emotional distance.

7:55And it's a power and safety struggle

7:58instead. So, think back, paying close

8:01attention to that moment where you were

8:04trying to communicate something and your

8:06avoidant became defensive. Didn't the

8:09air shift, becoming a bit more tense, a

8:13bit of a power struggle?

8:15Where they were almost rebelling against

8:17you.

8:18And if not in the moment, consider that

8:21their disappearing act can be an act of

8:23rebellion where they're trying to regain

8:26control and power that they perceive to

8:28have lost. And once the conversation

8:30becomes about power and safety, no

8:33amount of additional logic or evidence

8:37or perfectly chosen words is going to

8:40get through. Because you're no longer

8:42speaking the same language. So, please

8:44keep this in mind as we move forward

8:46because this is what it all boils down

8:49to. Again, it is no longer about the

8:51topic you started addressing. It is a

8:54power struggle at this point. The first

8:56thing that needs to happen is that you

8:58need to level the playing field.

9:00They need to feel equally in control and

9:03empowered as you are. Until that

9:06happens, they will not give you an inch

9:09and will find ways to try and take back

9:11control. So, how do you go about

9:14leveling the playing field then? Well,

9:16first, you need to relate to them as an

9:18equal who's on the same team and not

9:21someone who's broken or needs fixing.

9:24So, coming back to Casey and Finn, this

9:27was the first real shift she had to make

9:31and it wasn't easy. Because everything

9:33in her wanted to sit Finn down and walk

9:35him through his behavior and kind of

9:38coach or parent him. But, every time she

9:40approached him that way, even with love

9:43behind it and good intentions, it

9:45positioned her as the one who had it all

9:48figured out, and him as the problem

9:50child. So, working together as a team

9:53means you approach the conversation

9:55shoulder to shoulder. The two of you

9:57look at the problem together, rather

10:00than you looking at your avoidant as the

10:02problem. Instead of you need to stop

10:04disappearing on me, Casey eventually

10:06learned to say something closer to, "I

10:08think we just keep running into the same

10:10wall. Can we figure this out together?"

10:13And just that shift in her approach from

10:17trying to correct his behavior to

10:19partnering up with him changed the

10:21entire vibe to a positive and uplifting

10:24one

10:25before she'd even gotten to the actual

10:27issue. So, once you've started leveling

10:30out the playing field by relating to

10:32them as an equal, you need to start

10:34leading with I statements instead of

10:38potential accusations, or something they

10:40can interpret as an accusation. "Why do

10:42you disappear like that and pretend like

10:44nothing happened?" becomes "I felt

10:47really scared last week when you went

10:50quiet for 10 days." Notice the

10:52difference?

10:53"Why do you disappear like that and

10:55pretend like nothing happened later?" is

10:58you having power and control. Meanwhile,

11:01"I felt really scared last week when you

11:03went quiet for 10 days." is you not in

11:06control. And it equalizes the power

11:09dynamic between the two of you. And also

11:11notice that there's no accusation buried

11:14inside this statement. There's just a

11:15feeling being expressed, "I felt

11:18scared." and a moment being referred to,

11:20"when we didn't speak for 10 days." So,

11:23because of this, they are far more

11:25likely to receive what you're saying

11:28positively, and might even want to

11:30comfort you right away. And when Casey

11:32said this version to Finn, his whole

11:35posture softened in a way that she

11:37hadn't seen in months.

11:39And even said, "I didn't know you felt

11:40scared. I thought you were just mad at

11:42me. And honestly, you being mad is what

11:46I expected, so I was preempting that."

11:48So, leveling the playing field, working

11:51as a team, and speaking from

11:53vulnerability will get you much further

11:56in building that happy relationship with

11:58them that you know is possible. And that

12:00is exactly what we walk people through

12:03inside our Attached Avoidant program.

12:06Because Finn's specific struggle, going

12:08quiet, disappearing whenever things got

12:11emotionally heavy, is one of the most

12:13common patterns we see in avoidant

12:15partners.

12:16And knowing how to deal with those

12:18moments is a crucial relationship skill.

12:21You can learn more about our program by

12:23clicking the link in the video

12:24description below.

12:25Now, Casey learned to approach Finn as a

12:28partner instead of a problem. And that

12:31changed everything about how their

12:33conversation started and how they ended.

12:36But, there's a deeper question sitting

12:38underneath all of this that we haven't

12:40quite touched on yet.

12:42And that is how much patience does this

12:44actually take? And where is the line

12:47before patience turns into something

12:49that hurts you instead of helping them?

12:51If you can relate to this problem, you

12:53can watch Your Patience Is Our Greatest

12:55Hope Next, where I also discuss when you

12:58should stop being patient. You can click

13:00right here to watch that.