TERRIFIED of Love: Why Fearful-Avoidants CAN'T Handle It

0:00Most people who fall in love with a

0:01fearful avoidant don't realize they're

0:04with an avoidant until it's too late

0:07because it's very likely that neither

0:09you nor them knew that loving your

0:12avoidant too much was going to make them

0:14pull away and sabotage your

0:16relationship. So in this video, I'm

0:18going to explain to you exactly why this

0:20happens and how you can prevent and even

0:23reverse it. Now, the first thing you

0:25need to know about fearful avoidants is

0:27that they have what I like to call a

0:30love limit. It's an unconscious maximum

0:33on how much closeness and intimacy they

0:35can handle before they become terrified

0:38of love and pull away or even quit your

0:40relationship. And they usually say

0:42things like, "You deserve better than

0:44me. I'm not ready for a relationship. I

0:46just can't give you what you want." So

0:48I'll show you how this love limit

0:50directly impacts all of the decisions

0:53your fearful avoidant makes. If you're

0:55unsure whether you're dealing with an

0:56avoidant, you can take our quiz in the

0:59video description to find out. Now, I'm

1:00going to explain to you why fearful

1:02avoidants are so terrified of love.

1:05Drawing from my own experiences as a

1:07former dismissive avoidant with some

1:09fearful avoidant tendencies, as well as

1:12hundreds of stories from my coaching

1:14clients and program students, so that

1:16you can understand how fearful avoidants

1:18tick and then can recognize the signs of

1:21them coming close to hitting that love

1:24limit before it happens. First, I'm

1:26going to explain what the love limit is

1:28so that you'll recognize it in your own

1:30fearful avoidant. So as mentioned, every

1:32fearful avoidant has an unconscious

1:34maximum on how much love and closeness

1:38they can handle before something inside

1:40them trips this wire.

1:43And we're calling it their love limit.

1:45And what makes this love limit so

1:46painful and confusing for everyone

1:48involved is that fearful avoidants don't

1:51choose it. You don't see it coming, but

1:53neither do they most of the time.

1:55Carolina, my now wife, then girlfriend,

1:58experienced this with me directly. And

2:01honestly, looking back, it's not a

2:02dynamic I'm particularly proud of.

2:05But early on, I had hesitations and

2:07doubts. I wasn't sure of what I wanted.

2:10And although I was honest about my

2:12uncertainty, I had phases of

2:14over-correcting in the other direction.

2:17I became intensely present, attentive,

2:19romantic, saying all the right things.

2:22And the more she responded to those, the

2:25more she opened up and became attached,

2:27the more I felt secure that she wasn't

2:30going to leave. However, something in me

2:32also started to panic in those moments.

2:35It's like I could handle the chase, the

2:37uncertainty, the early stage. That all

2:40felt pretty safe.

2:42But the moment she was genuinely, openly

2:44in love with me, that's when it became

2:46too real.

2:47Too much closeness, too much doubt. And

2:49without fully understanding why,

2:52I started pulling away. The same warmth

2:54I'd come to suddenly shown up with

2:56just slowly started to fade. My texts

2:59got shorter, I became harder to reach. I

3:02found reasons to create distance, where

3:04before I'd been finding reasons to get

3:06closer. And Carolina, who had just

3:08allowed herself to fully trust me, was a

3:11bit blindsided. She assumed she'd done

3:13something wrong, that she'd misread

3:15everything. But in truth, she hadn't.

3:18She had just loved me past my love

3:21limit. A limit I didn't even know I had.

3:24Now, I'm going to show you how that kind

3:26of love limit comes to be, so that you

3:29can see through your fearful avoidance

3:31behavior and know this likely has little

3:33to do with you. Mine wasn't built

3:35overnight. Growing up, my parents didn't

3:38want much to do with me. There were

3:39stretches most of the year, actually,

3:42where I was largely on my own. Neglected

3:44pragmatically and certainly in all

3:46matters of love, attachment, and

3:49emotion. No one caring about what I was

3:51feeling or going through. And when they

3:53were around, it wasn't the relief I

3:56would have hoped for. So, I did what any

3:58kid does when they don't have a choice.

4:00I adapted. I stopped needing so much. I

4:03learned to self-contain, to not reach

4:05out, to handle things alone. And I was

4:08also fed a story that justified it. I

4:11was told I was independent, that I was

4:13strong, above any needs and fine on my

4:16own.

4:17That I didn't really need anyone. And

4:19that is a lie. I most certainly needed

4:22someone. But what this resulted in is

4:25that somewhere along the way, I stopped

4:27trusting love itself, not just specific

4:30people. Love, intimacy, the whole thing

4:33had become tainted. It was something I

4:36deeply craved, but not something I

4:38trusted. So, by the time Carolina came

4:40around, someone who actually showed up

4:43consistently and loved me openly, I

4:46genuinely didn't know what to do with

4:48that. Real love felt more threatening

4:51than no love at all.

4:53Because it put my whole upbringing and

4:55what I was taught about love into

4:58question. So, your fearful avoidant will

5:00have their own version of this story. It

5:02won't look like mine. Maybe it was a

5:05different kind of neglect, a loss, an

5:07inconsistent parent, a relationship that

5:10broke them early.

5:11But the result is usually the same.

5:14Somewhere along the way, they stopped

5:16trusting that love was safe, and that's

5:19where their love limit was built. Not

5:22with you, but long before. Now, if

5:24you're realizing that your situation

5:26goes deeper than just these two points,

5:29and you want a clear structured path for

5:31actually getting through to your

5:32avoidant rather than just managing the

5:35moments, that's exactly what Carolina

5:38and I built our attachment avoidant

5:39program for. The link is in the

5:41description. But for now, let me show

5:44you what hitting that love limit

5:45actually looks like in your fearful

5:47avoidance. So, you can recognize it when

5:49it's happening. It's rarely dramatic at

5:51first. Carolina describes it as a light

5:54that slowly dims. I'd be less available

5:57for deeper conversations. My texts

6:00became shorter, more transactional.

6:03There was less warmth, and I was overall

6:05less present. And then, I would

6:06sometimes nitpick at things. Suddenly,

6:09small things that hadn't bothered me

6:10before were bothering me a lot. And

6:13that's a tell, by the way. When a

6:15fearful avoidant starts finding fault in

6:17everything,

6:18it's usually not actually about the

6:20faults. It's almost a decade ago now,

6:22but there was one moment where Carolina

6:24and I had just had one of the best

6:27weekends together. Mind-bending

6:29conversations, closeness, the kind of

6:31connection that felt out of this

6:33world-special. But in the morning, after

6:35she left, instead of feeling good about

6:37it and closer,

6:39I felt this overwhelming urge to create

6:41distance. I picked a fight over

6:44something ridiculous. She was confused

6:47and hurt, and I genuinely told myself

6:49that I just needed space. What was

6:51actually happening was that the weekend

6:54had pushed me right up to that love

6:56limit. And I did the only thing I knew

6:58to do. I pulled the emergency brake. So,

7:01if you notice your avoidant has suddenly

7:03gone quiet after a really connected

7:06moment, that's a sign that they've hit

7:08their love limit.

7:09If their texts have gone from warm and

7:12present to short and transactional,

7:15almost overnight,

7:16that's a sign.

7:18And if they're picking fights or finding

7:20fault in things that never seemed to

7:22bother them before, that's also a sign.

7:25And with all of these things, trust your

7:26gut. If something is telling you that

7:29they have shifted, even though nothing

7:31obvious happened, and they might even

7:33deny it, trust the feeling. Because

7:35usually something did happen. You just

7:37got close enough to hit their love

7:39limit.

7:40And what you do next matters a lot. Now,

7:43I'm going to give you three simple steps

7:45to handle the love limit that by the way

7:47Carolina and I used with me and we teach

7:50our students now so that you know what

7:52to do next time before things escalate.

7:55Step one is learning to read the signs

7:57early. Don't wait for the full

7:59withdrawal to kick in. The shorter

8:01texts, the slight irritability they

8:04might have, they're being a bit more

8:05cold and unavailable, those are the

8:08early warning signs. Carolina got good

8:10at noticing when I was closing in on my

8:12limits before I even knew myself and

8:15that awareness alone changed everything

8:18between us because she was prepared to

8:20preemptively respond and not have a

8:23knee-jerk reaction later down the line

8:25when I was already far past my love

8:27limit. Step two, take a step back and

8:30give breathing room. This is the hard

8:32one especially if you're anxiously

8:34attached like Carolina was because every

8:36instinct tells you to move closer, to

8:39fix it, to ask what's wrong. But in that

8:42moment, that's not going to help. When

8:44Carolina went about her life and gave me

8:47about a week for my love limit to calm

8:49down, the pressure lifted much quicker

8:51that way and I found my way back to her

8:53sooner. But had she chased too heavily,

8:56I most likely would have run. Step

8:58three, stop making their limit mean

9:01something about you. This one is for

9:03your own sanity and mental health. When

9:05I pulled away, Carolina sometimes

9:07wondered,

9:08what did I do?

9:10And the answer genuinely more often than

9:12not was nothing.

9:15My love limit was built long before she

9:17came into my life

9:18and the fact that she rarely took my

9:21withdrawal personally and started seeing

9:23it for what it actually was, me hitting

9:26my love limit, made me deactivate far

9:29fewer times and that paradoxically made

9:31it safer for me to come back to her much

9:34sooner over and over again. And if

9:36you're done just understanding the

9:38patterns and you're ready to actually

9:39change them with a step-by-step approach

9:42built around your specific situation,

9:45come check out Attached and Avoidant.

9:46Carolina and I walk you through the

9:48whole thing together, her perspective

9:50and mine. The link is in the

9:52description. Okay, so now I've shown you

9:54how to recognize when your fearful

9:56avoidant is closing in on their love

9:58limit and what to do in that moment to

10:00keep things from escalating. But

10:02preventing them from hitting the limit

10:04is really just managing the symptom

10:07because their core wound is still there

10:10and their love limit will keep

10:12resetting. They might still pull away

10:13because they still haven't fully chosen

10:15you.

10:16And deep down you probably know that. So

10:19the real question isn't how to stop them

10:21from running in the moment. It's what

10:23actually makes an avoidant commit to you

10:26without running at all. So watch this

10:28video next and I'll teach you what makes

10:30an avoidant fully choose you.