Avoidant Pulls Away After Vulnerability or Intimacy

0:00avoidance who pull away after a moment

0:02of deeply shared vulnerability or

0:05intimacy. Hey guys, I'd like to talk to

0:07you about something a bit more difficult

0:09today. Lately, I've worked with a lot of

0:11clients that have had devastating

0:12experiences of building a really strong

0:15connection with a partner who then

0:18suddenly pulled away. And when I say

0:20intimacy, I don't strictly mean

0:22physical. It can also just be a really

0:25deep emotional intimacy. And so I'm

0:27going to help you guys make sense of

0:29these moments, both by drawing from my

0:32own experiences as a relationship coach

0:34with hundreds of clients stories, but

0:37also as a former avoidant myself. Hi,

0:39I'm Gabriel. I run the website simplyto

0:41together.co with my wife Karolina. And

0:44we're here to help you guys mend your

0:46relationships. So first off, what do I

0:48mean when I talk about your avoided

0:50pulling away suddenly after a moment of

0:53vulnerability or intimacy? I'm talking

0:55about moments similar to what my wife

0:57and I had almost 13 years ago where at

1:00the beginning of our relationship, I was

1:02a lot more unsure of my feelings towards

1:04her and was overcome by the doubts

1:07avoidance have around commitment. But

1:10more specifically, whenever we had a

1:12more intense time together that could be

1:14in duration or just in intensity, it

1:17wasn't uncommon for me to become less

1:19responsive and unavailable afterwards.

1:22For example, shortly after our two-week

1:24road trip across Europe in 2014,

1:27where we shared many very special

1:29moments and adventures together,

1:32including a broken spring 30 minutes

1:34into our journey, and we passed through

1:37the Austrian Alps, Switzerland, Italy,

1:40and Croatia. After all that, I distanced

1:43myself and became less responsive for a

1:46week or two. So this and other

1:48experiences where I would pull away

1:51after so much special time together with

1:54Karolina left her feeling like the

1:56moments we shared were inconsequential

1:58that they couldn't be relied upon as

2:00proof of our relationship be stable.

2:02Though she handled these moments very

2:04well, I would still say this example of

2:06ours was not a severe case compared to

2:10some of my coaching client stories that

2:12I want to share with you guys. They are

2:14of course entirely anonymized. So, I

2:16want to get to some more concrete

2:18examples about avoidance pulling away

2:21after deep connection or intimacy,

2:23ranging from the more mild to the very

2:26severe and explore why they do this so

2:29that you are in a better position to

2:31deal with it and don't need to overthink

2:33or worry should it happen to you. So,

2:36the first case is where an avoidant will

2:38develop feelings that they didn't plan

2:40for. In this example, I want to talk

2:42about Amelia's and Thomas's case. So,

2:45they met on a dating app. He said he

2:47wasn't looking for anything serious from

2:49the get-go. But when they met, there was

2:52really great chemistry, a deep

2:54connection, a shared passion for music

2:56and art, and they spent hours upon hours

3:00talking together. They had infrequent

3:02contact and met every other week over

3:04the course of about 3 months. But after

3:07one long get together, it was clear that

3:09there was a lot more going on. Because

3:12Thomas opened up about many of his

3:14struggles in life, fears he had, what

3:17was weighing on him, and actually

3:19confided some vulnerable secrets. And

3:22you know, Amelia was really supportive.

3:24She was there for him. She listened and

3:27was that shoulder he could really lean

3:29on. The next week, however, he didn't

3:31respond to her texts and eventually just

3:34reiterated he wasn't looking for a

3:37relationship. So, what happened? Why

3:39throw away this kind of amazing

3:41connection? It's because he caught

3:43himself becoming more attached and

3:45invested than he initially expected or

3:48planned to. Avoidance can be in denial

3:51of their own feelings and believe they

3:53have to be in control. And they're

3:55unsure and totally unprepared of those

3:57moments where they are suddenly not in

4:00control and attachment develops. So,

4:03when they're not expecting these

4:04feelings and they do eventually come up,

4:07to them it's sudden and out of the blue

4:10and they're afraid that your connection

4:12that you share could lead to something

4:14more serious that they don't feel ready

4:16for. So, they pull away to slow things

4:19down or in some cases to stop them

4:21entirely. So, this is one of the reasons

4:23why avoidance pull away after deep

4:26vulnerability or intimacy. Now, another

4:28reason can be that they have other

4:30priorities in life. So Laura was 32, Ben

4:34about 35. They met on Hinge. He was

4:37working at a startup, going to the gym

4:39almost every day, always working really

4:42hard, grinding. Meanwhile, she was

4:44training as a nurse and was actually

4:46pretty busy, too. Now, they two

4:48connected really well. They had deep,

4:50meaningful conversations, and a very

4:53strong emotional connection. They shared

4:55interests, astronomy, documentaries.

4:58They had a similar worldview and they

5:00met about every 10 days over the course

5:02of 5 months and did actually text

5:05frequently. That one weekend when they

5:07spent two full days together where there

5:10was a lot of fun time. They cuddled,

5:12cooked, talked about their childhood,

5:16past relationships, and also future

5:18dreams and aspirations. Then actually

5:20opened up about pressure and afraid of

5:23failing and burnout. And at one point he

5:26even said, "Sometimes I feel like if I

5:28slow down, everything will just fall

5:31apart." Now Laura reassured him and

5:33said, "You don't have to carry

5:35everything alone. I'm here. We can do

5:37together, etc." But after that weekend,

5:40things changed. His replies became a lot

5:42slower. He had more excuses about being

5:45really busy. Work was crazy. He was

5:48exhausted. And two weeks later, he told

5:50her, "I really like you, but my job has

5:54to come first. I can't give this

5:56relationship the space it deserves." The

5:58deep weekend made him realize the

6:01relationship was no longer casual. In

6:03his mind, it started competing with his

6:06career. He must have began thinking, "If

6:09I commit to this, I'll lose focus of

6:11what's important to me. I won't pursue

6:14my career the way I really need to and

6:17put my full attention to it. So, he

6:19interpreted his feelings as a

6:21distraction and attachment to her felt

6:25like increasingly a loss of control,

6:27almost like a threat to his

6:29independence. So, he chose the safe

6:31option of work goals and more emotional

6:35distance. Now, I'm not saying that

6:37having ambition is bad, per se. It's

6:39just when you're using work as an

6:41excuse, as a form of emotional armor

6:44that they're hiding behind, avoidance

6:46can then sabotage an otherwise good

6:48relationship where they could have

6:50pursued their career and the

6:52relationship together. And in fact, the

6:54relationship could have informed and

6:56supported his ambition and pursuit of

6:59that career. But when avoidance hind

7:02behind productivity, they do it so that

7:04they don't have to feel vulnerable. So

7:06when it became clear there was more

7:08going on here with Laura, he just

7:11experienced it as pressure, which is of

7:13course a pity. Also, for those of you

7:16that are willing to share, I'm always

7:18curious. Let me know what happened in

7:20your situation before your avoidance

7:22started pulling away. Did you share a

7:25very special evening together? Did you

7:27have some connection or did they maybe

7:29open up more than they ever had before?

7:32Let me know in the comments if you're

7:33willing. So another reason they might

7:35pull away after connecting very deeply

7:38is that they feel too seen and

7:40emotionally exposed. Let's take the

7:42example of Margaret who was in her

7:44late60s, Daniel early7s. They met at a

7:48community book club and both of them had

7:50actually lost their long-term partners

7:53many years ago. So neither of them was

7:55actually looking for a serious

7:57relationship at the time. They just

7:59wanted companionship, a friend, someone

8:02to talk to, someone to go on walks with.

8:04And they started really slowly. Coffee

8:07after meetings, walks in the park, some

8:10weekend lunches here and there, but over

8:13time it became a real relationship. Now,

8:15on the surface, Daniel was kind and

8:18steady, but he had never actually

8:20explored emotional depth very much. It

8:23wasn't something he was particularly

8:24familiar with. Margaret, on the other

8:26hand, was very emotionally intuitive.

8:29She asked thoughtful questions. She

8:31noticed patterns. She reflected things

8:34back to him. And one day, she said, "You

8:36know, I think you spent a whole life

8:39being strong for everybody else." But

8:42nobody ever really took care of you.

8:44This made Daniel feel very seen. He was

8:47quiet. And later actually admitted,

8:50"Nobody's ever told me that before.

8:52Nobody ever helped me see it from that

8:54perspective before. And so for the first

8:56time, he had this experience of feeling

8:58deeply seeing. And initially, it seemed

9:01that he really enjoyed it. But then it

9:03seemed that it actually seemed to

9:05terrify him, as though he felt

9:07emotionally naked, like all of his

9:10defensive walls suddenly evaporated. And

9:13that was just a situation he was not

9:15comfortable being in. And lo and behold,

9:18shortly after, he started saying things

9:20like, "I'm this tired lately. I need

9:23more time." And had varying excuses. And

9:26after a month of distancing himself, he

9:29just said, "I don't think I'm cut out

9:31for this, and I can't. I need space." So

9:34although they shared this very real and

9:37intimate moment, because he had never

9:39felt so emotionally visible before, it

9:41was totally uncharted territory for him

9:44and really freaked him out to a point

9:46where he would rather back out of the

9:48relationship than experience that kind

9:52of vulnerability again. Something about

9:54it just made him feel exposed and

9:57powerless. And in this example, the

9:59avoidant chose fear over love. As you've

10:02been listening to these stories and I'm

10:05thinking, hm, that sounds an awful lot

10:07like my situation actually with someone

10:09pulling away right after things felt

10:11more connected and special. There are

10:13many ways to go about this. If the

10:16situation doesn't resolve itself within

10:18a week, maybe two, then you're probably

10:22cycling on the spot. And in an effort to

10:24get unstuck, you might want to check out

10:25our attached to avoidant program, which

10:28is for people who are dealing with

10:30avoided partners or even exes who don't

10:33want to chase, beg, or lose themselves

10:36in trying to fix things. Instead, my

10:39wife and I teach you how to communicate

10:41in a way that makes avoidance feel safe

10:43with, how to lower their defenses, and

10:46how to rebuild connection gradually

10:48without triggering all those withdrawal

10:50responses. I'll drop a link in the video

10:53description for those of you that are

10:54curious. Now, another reason that

10:56avoidance might pull away after a deep

10:59connection or vulnerability is that they

11:01have unresolved trauma that gets

11:04triggered. Let's talk about Mark and

11:06Suzie for this. They had been together

11:08for over 2 years. They lived together,

11:11traveled, shared routines, built a real

11:14life, and from what Mark could tell,

11:16everything was going great. Susie was a

11:19reliable character, very calm, but

11:21emotionally guarded. She rarely talked

11:24about her past. Mark, on the other hand,

11:26was more warm, expressive, and

11:28emotionally open. And over time, he

11:31wanted more emotional and physical

11:33closeness. But there was something kind

11:36of nagging at him for a while. Though

11:38they were so close and they spent so

11:40much of their routine and time together,

11:43something was still missing. There was

11:45emotional closeness lacking even in the

11:49physical closeness moments. So one day

11:51he tried expressing this to her. I love

11:54you but sometimes I feel like you're

11:56physically here but emotionally

11:59somewhere else and I just want to feel

12:01closer. Like what's going on? Now Susie

12:04agreed and actually said you're right.

12:06You know I have my mind elsewhere. I'll

12:08try and I want us to be closer too. It

12:11also led to a deeper conversation where

12:13they figured out what Suz's roadblocks

12:16were and how they could go about making

12:20her feel safe enough to be more

12:22emotionally available. But the very next

12:24day, Suzie became a whole lot more

12:26irritable and avoided conversations. She

12:29stayed up late on her phone, worked

12:31longer hours, and became emotionally

12:33less available. But what Mark didn't

12:36know was that Susie had grown up in a

12:38chaotic home where emotional closeness

12:41had always led to conflict. When people

12:43got close, someone got hurt, someone

12:46exploded, and someone also left. So, she

12:48saw intimacy and emotional closeness as

12:51danger that it would lead to something

12:53bad. When Mark had asked for that deeper

12:56connection, it unfortunately unlocked

12:58some old wounds that Susie chose to not

13:02communicate or maybe was not even aware.

13:04And on some level, she must have

13:05believed she's just going to get hurt.

13:08So she pulled away. And when confronted,

13:10she just said, "I don't know what's

13:12wrong with me. I just feel overwhelmed.

13:15I need space." So her vulnerability

13:17triggered some unresolved emotional

13:20trauma. And the emotional closeness just

13:22felt really unsafe to her to a point

13:24where she just defaulted to her

13:26childhood survival coping mechanisms in

13:28this instance. In cases like this, the

13:31voyants are not afraid of love in and of

13:33itself. They're afraid of what the love

13:36means about their past because it sheds

13:39a light on things that have been buried.

13:41And intimacy then activates those

13:43memories and they shut down. This is

13:45another way in which avoidance pull away

13:48after vulnerability or intimacy. Now,

13:50the last example I want to talk about is

13:52external pressure from family. Let's go

13:55over Avery and Chance story. They were

13:57together for 4 years. Both lived in the

14:00US, worked in IT and actually had a

14:03strong emotional and intellectual

14:05connection. Though they didn't live

14:07together, they had very intense long

14:10weekends and also longer vacations at

14:12time. Now, Chan had really strong family

14:14ties in Hong Kong and there was a lot of

14:16responsibility there towards his family

14:19and the family business. and his family

14:21actually openly stated they would prefer

14:23if he married someone from their culture

14:26that it would be better that would make

14:28things easier. Despite this, he and

14:30Avery were actually very close. And he

14:33told her things like, "If I stay in the

14:35US, we're getting married. You know,

14:38you're my future and I've never loved

14:40someone like this before." So, there was

14:41a lot of reassurance and words of

14:44affirmations that he gave Aver. Then he

14:46had to go to Hong Kong and after that

14:49trip everything changed. He became

14:51hesitant and distant. He started saying

14:54things like, "You wouldn't understand

14:57the pressure. My family would never

14:59accept this. We have too many cultural

15:02differences." And just utterly avoided

15:04the topic of the future. So in this

15:06case, his family exerted a lot of

15:08pressure to a point where he was

15:11doubting his own feelings towards Avery

15:13that were very clear to him when it was

15:16just the two of them. But when the

15:18external factor came into play with

15:20family expectations and pressure, their

15:22special connection was essentially

15:24sabotaged. Now Avery had actually also

15:27applied pressure of her own to say, "Why

15:29aren't we doing this? Why does it have

15:31to be either or?" But Chan experienced

15:34this as pressure from both sides now to

15:37make a choice to a point where he didn't

15:39know what he wanted anymore. And instead

15:41of confronting this directly, he just

15:44emotionally withdrew. So for avoidance,

15:46external pressure like this in

15:48combination with emotional intimacy can

15:51feel like a trap of sorts or an

15:53obligation at some point. They're so

15:55afraid of disappointing either side that

15:58they just choose neutrality and leave

16:00the whole relationship sometimes on both

16:02ends as in the romantic relationship and

16:04the family relationship in total limbo.

16:07They're just looking for an escape and

16:09don't want to face anything. So this is

16:11the final way in which avoidance pull

16:13away after vulnerability or intimacy.

16:15Now I know all of this can sound really

16:17heartbreaking and I've only highlighted

16:20the concept point within each one of

16:22these cases here. Not all of them ended

16:24here. Some of them actually have a very

16:27happy end where these very conflicts

16:29were resolved. But I at least wanted to

16:31give you guys this piece of

16:33acknowledgement that you see that if you

16:35are going through something similar, it

16:37is not uncommon. It is attached to

16:39avoidant behaviors and patterns. But

16:41there is a lot you can do about it. So

16:44don't feel despair or hopeless here. In

16:46fact, for those of you that are in a

16:48similar situation like this, I'm sure

16:50you'd be curious to watch my other video

16:52where I talk about what makes avoidance

16:54choose you. Specifically, why I chose my

16:56wife. And here I go over the key

16:58qualities that make avoidance go from

17:00pulling away to finally committing to

17:02and choosing you. And of course, if this

17:04video helped you understand your

17:05situation a bit better, please give it a

17:08like. And if you know someone who's

17:10stuck, loving an emotionally unavailable

17:12partner, send this to them. It might

17:15just save them months of confusion. All

17:17right, guys. I'll see you in the next

17:18one. Take care.