Full transcript
0:00he's giving you time he's giving you
0:01energy he's giving you attention he's
0:04getting your attention he's getting your
0:05time he's getting your intimacy but he's
0:08not saying yes
0:10and and that's all you actually need to
0:12know
0:171200 people tuning in that's crazy
0:20all right so i've sent out a video
0:22request to jillian
0:24hey hey
0:26wait what was your name is it jillian or
0:28did i just mix you up with someone in
0:29the chat sabina sabina savina okay there
0:32you go sabine i don't know how many
0:33people you have on the video at the same
0:35time so i'm sorry no no just just you so
0:38hello good to have you here how are you
0:40i'm from new jersey
0:42but i watch your videos all the time um
0:45i do have some situation obviously i was
0:48involved with someone for about six
0:50months this person is going through a
0:51divorce
0:52and we constantly uh fighting
0:55uh because he has no time he's afraid to
0:59uh commit to something serious because
1:02he doesn't want his ex-wife to find out
1:04because she would cause him a lot of
1:06problems through the divorce
1:08um he trying here in the i see him like
1:11once a week we
1:12he's very consistently on the phone all
1:14the time
1:15but i'm very confused because
1:17he giving me everything like
1:20he wants a relationship and the question
1:22he's asking if i'm seeing or speaking
1:24with other people and the way he's very
1:26close with me and we already got
1:28intimate at some point
1:30that it seems like a relationship but he
1:32doesn't want to put a title on it he
1:34doesn't want a commitment yet
1:37and it causing us fight all the time and
1:40i just
1:41every time we tried to cut it off we we
1:43then missed each other that we start
1:44talking again
1:46and i just don't know if his situation
1:49is is he just playing game or if i
1:52should cut it off or
1:54how to approach him that i don't want to
1:56put pressure he feels pressured
1:58by me into relationship
2:01um
2:03i don't want to pressure him but i feel
2:04like we are six months
2:06and i kind of would like to know what i
2:08spent i don't want to waste my time i'm
2:1036 years old
2:11i i'm established i'm divorced myself
2:14after four years and i'm looking for
2:16something serious
2:18uh and she knew that from the beginning
2:20so i'd you know what would you
2:24what would you what would be your advice
2:26and and this so what's really what what
2:31a lot of people struggle with in
2:33situations like this
2:35is
2:37we get into the business of analyzing
2:40what somebody else is saying
2:42and whether it's fair or not
2:45and when we do that
2:48we can be spinning
2:50internally because
2:52we go is he right am i right should i be
2:55more understanding because he's still in
2:58a divorce or he's he's has he is he
3:00officially divorced
3:02no not yet and we don't know when that's
3:04going to happen so he's so he's saying
3:07to you that there could be more problems
3:10for me if she learns that i'm dating
3:12someone and then i have all the
3:13headaches of a much more acrimonious
3:17and so now you're looking at that going
3:19well that sounds rational and and
3:21reasonable do i have to be more
3:24understanding and so you're what you're
3:27going through
3:28is very common not just in divorces but
3:31also with anyone who is hearing a reason
3:35why somebody can't give them
3:38what they want right now right
3:41now
3:42he has his logic he has his reasons
3:45correct but there's two words reasons
3:48and reality i'm not saying his reality
3:51your reality
3:53your reality
3:55is that you said you're in your 30s you
3:58want a relationship
4:01and
4:02you have been dating someone for six
4:05months
4:06who still can't say that the two of you
4:08are an actual couple
4:11right
4:12that's your reality regardless
4:15of what he is telling you or the
4:18legitimacy of his reasons
4:21for now we don't actually have to worry
4:22about whether his reasons
4:24are real or not are they real is it does
4:28it have genuine cons consequences for
4:31him in his divorce if she learns that
4:33he's dating someone maybe is he using it
4:35just as a strategy to tell you that he's
4:38not he can't have a an official
4:41relationship right now because it will
4:42cause him problems and that's how he's
4:45justifying not getting into a commitment
4:47that actually he's not ready for
4:48independent of his ex
4:51maybe we don't know but it doesn't
4:53matter it's in a way it's not our
4:55business to know it's not your business
4:58to know it's your business to protect
5:00yourself
5:02so
5:04uh what i want you to do is
5:06the next time you talk to him
5:08say to him look
5:11i
5:12i can have compassion
5:14for your situation
5:16i can have compassion for the fact that
5:18you're going through a lot a divorce is
5:21a big deal
5:22you
5:23dealing with the fallout of that and
5:25dealing with all of the logistics of
5:27that is a is a lot for you right now i
5:29totally understand that
5:32but i can't take that on myself
5:36i your reasons
5:38don't change my reality
5:41and my reality is that
5:44i've given this six months
5:46to see
5:48where it goes
5:49in the hopes that it would mater it
5:52would turn into something
5:54serious
5:55and committed
5:57and a relationship i'm not asking for
5:59the world
6:00i'm asking for
6:02a
6:03relationship
6:04and you're not able to give that to me
6:07regardless of why that is
6:10because again i want when you speak to
6:12him sabina i want you to have no
6:14aggression in your heart i want you to
6:16have no there's no anger there's no
6:19nothing it's
6:21just
6:22facts
6:24however legitimate those reasons are for
6:27you
6:28the reality for me doesn't change
6:32which is that i want to find something
6:34serious and meaningful
6:36with someone who values me and someone
6:38who's ready to say yes to me
6:41and
6:42regardless of your reason
6:45you can't say yes to me right now you've
6:47made that clear
6:48so
6:49i'm gonna i'm gonna move forward with my
6:52life
6:53and if something changes
6:56for you
6:57you let me know
6:59and if i happen to still be available at
7:02that time then we'll talk
7:04but in the meantime i have to keep
7:06moving forward with my life does that
7:08make sense
7:09absolutely and i think
7:11i'm trying to actually accept that and
7:14actually i think i have to make that
7:15decision because i had those
7:16conversations with him many times and
7:19actually i watch your videos
7:21and i try
7:22to say those things to him that i'm
7:24trying to be understanding but this is
7:25not working for me and it will
7:28cut it off and then few days two days
7:30later he will contact me he will show up
7:32he will bring me something like he has
7:34hard time also letting it go as well
7:37and i asked him why you keep
7:39dragging this you you you're not ready
7:43um why can't you just let me go and not
7:46waste my time if you're not ready for a
7:48relationship
7:49he has hard time with that as well
7:51right that's what's confusing too
7:53because it looks like he wants it but he
7:55just can't give it to me right now
7:57that's his uh response but you know what
8:00but here's the here's the thing
8:03right now
8:05he doesn't feel the consequences the
8:08true consequences of letting you go
8:10because you're not going
8:15that's true there's an analogy you use
8:17matt which is
8:19you never want to be
8:20the train just sitting on a platform
8:23saying doors are open we're ready when
8:25you are we'll just sit here and chill
8:27and
8:28when you're ready the train's just
8:29sitting here waiting you want to be the
8:31train that's like we're we're moving
8:33forward with or without you that's where
8:35we're going we've got a destination
8:37and that's the only way someone
8:40not to play games but that's the only
8:42way someone ever feels
8:44i've got to make a real decision here
8:46because
8:47they're not going to be here and can i
8:49can i
8:50that's absolutely right steve
8:52let me say one more thing sabina
8:54yes
8:55if someone is coming out of a
8:57relationship
8:59whether it's marriage or just a
9:01long-term relationship
9:06they need
9:09it already makes them a precarious
9:11person to be with
9:13right now it already makes them
9:16a potentially dangerous person to be
9:18with because of all of the complications
9:20that can come with that whether they're
9:22contractual complications and logistical
9:25or whether they are simply the
9:27complications of someone whose heart is
9:29still bound up with
9:31someone in the past
9:34so
9:35someone in that situation
9:37needs to actually
9:39work
9:40extra hard to make sure
9:42that you know they're ready
9:45right if
9:46in a sense even if he was saying to you
9:48i'm ready and let's do this
9:51there should still be a little part of
9:53you that says
9:55i am
9:57i'm i really care about this man in this
9:59relationship so i want to give this a
10:01shot but i am going to
10:04tread carefully here to make sure that
10:07this is real that this is consistent
10:10that this
10:12is everything that this person says it
10:14is so i'm going to go slowly here
10:18that's even in the case that he's
10:20working extra hard
10:23to reassure you and to give you
10:25consistent energy and investment and
10:28commitment
10:30but
10:31he's not even doing that
10:34um honestly you know i've been in very
10:37similar situation because i was married
10:38for 13 years and i got divorced three
10:41years ago it separated four
10:43so i'm trying to be understanding
10:45because his situation is very similar to
10:47mine and i met someone right before my
10:49divorce because i was separated from my
10:51ex-husband for almost a year before my
10:53divorce so in his situation is like a
10:56similar situation so
11:00i could see that this could be something
11:02i just feel like he's holding back
11:04but he wants it
11:06and he gives me everything like we have
11:08relationship we are constantly in
11:09contact all day
11:11he's very consistent
11:13the time he doesn't have enough time for
11:16me
11:16well so wait is the problem that he
11:18doesn't want to say yes to a
11:19relationship or he doesn't have enough
11:20time
11:22enough time and he's afraid to commit
11:24yet like he's not right so one of by the
11:27way one of those
11:29can be more legitimate than the other
11:33because
11:34if you're
11:35if he's saying to you hey it's you and
11:37me
11:38it's you and me
11:40we're gonna do this together i want to
11:42be with you you want to be with me
11:44you and i are in a relationship i i you
11:47know and he's executing on his divorce
11:49he's making all of that happen everyone
11:51who says never date someone who's going
11:53through a divorce or whatever life's not
11:54black and white so i i can't stand
11:58when when people are so defiant about
12:01you know
12:02it has to be this way or whatever people
12:03can be separated for a long time and
12:05it's a matter of dealing with paperwork
12:07at this stage so at the end of the day
12:11and by the way you have to know that
12:12he's finalizing that you have to know
12:14that it's actually happening but life
12:16isn't binary
12:18but what is binary
12:20what is really simple is is he saying
12:23yes to you
12:25and he's not saying yes to you
12:27if he said yes to you
12:30and then said by the way this is a
12:32really tricky period time wise i'm in a
12:35chapter of my life where i am slammed
12:39with the amount of things i have to do
12:41i'm looking forward to being able to
12:43dedicate more time but right now i need
12:46you to bear with me through this chapter
12:47because it is a really crazy time then
12:51you can communicate you can work with
12:52someone like that that's what was
12:54happening actually it's just that
12:57i guess you feel more pressure because
12:58i'm asking for a little bit more i'm
13:01asking for more validation because we
13:03are six months
13:08but you're saying can we call ourselves
13:11a couple and he's saying no
13:13right
13:14that's all you need to know
13:15after six months that's all you need to
13:18know nothing else matters
13:20yeah he's not saying yes he's giving you
13:22his he's giving you time he's giving you
13:25energy he's giving you attention he's
13:27getting your attention he's getting your
13:29time he's getting your intimacy but he's
13:31not saying yes
13:33and and that's all you actually need to
13:36know
13:37that's it
13:39so when it comes to no contact rule
13:42if he reaches out should i ignore him
13:45because he did message me
13:47should i ignore him should i
13:50here's what you do something in polite
13:52way to just you know for him to leave me
13:54alone because i need to obviously take
13:56some time and and you know think this
13:58through
14:00um i don't know what the right approach
14:01is because you know sometimes when you
14:04emotional
14:05you might you know take the wrong
14:07way
14:08here's what you well firstly here's what
14:10you know going back to him
14:13because he reaches out to you
14:15doesn't change anything
14:18you have evidence for that now right
14:21so the next time you tell yourself after
14:23you've had one of these conversations
14:25with him and you move on when he then
14:27reaches out to you
14:30remind yourself
14:31the last time he reached out and the
14:33last time he went back
14:35it didn't make any difference
14:37so why do i think it's going to make a
14:38difference this time
14:41the only here do you want to know
14:44something about the no contact rule
14:47the no contact rule people take way too
14:50literally
14:52the no contact rule people take to mean
14:54that for x amount of time after a
14:57breakup
14:58you must
14:59have
15:00zero contact with a person whatsoever if
15:03they reach out to you ignore them okay
15:06the no contact rule is a little bit
15:08different than that in my opinion my
15:10version of it okay
15:14the rule is
15:16if someone reaches out to you
15:24you have to set a bar for what's
15:27interesting
15:30and the only thing that's interesting
15:32enough
15:33to engage with
15:35is a different decision
15:38from his side
15:40anything less than a different decision
15:45is boring
15:47and is not worth your time
15:49so what that means is if he comes back
15:51to you and says i miss you
15:54boring
15:56if he comes back to you and says
15:59i
16:00am
16:00[Music]
16:02thinking of you
16:04boring
16:05pointless
16:06wasting my time
16:09if he comes back to you and says i'm so
16:12confused
16:14poor boring
16:16pointless stop wasting my time
16:20my com your confusion is not my problem
16:24if he comes back to you and says
16:27i've rethought this whole thing can we
16:29talk
16:31we can talk
16:35if that's the case if you've rethought
16:36this whole thing and there's a different
16:38decision here
16:39let's talk
16:41even then i would tread carefully
16:44how do i know that you mean this let's
16:46talk about that
16:48how do you know that you mean this and
16:49that you're not wasting my time let's
16:51talk about that but that's a talk you
16:54can have that talk
16:55you don't have to if someone reaches out
16:57to you and says
16:58hey i have
17:00rethought this whole thing
17:02i'd really like to talk to you
17:04you don't have to go no contact rule i
17:06can't message back
17:08right you say okay if you've genuinely
17:11had a change of heart about your
17:13decision
17:15let's talk about it people are entitled
17:17to change their mind about things we've
17:18all been there
17:20but
17:21anything less than you have changed your
17:24mind
17:25is a message back from you that says hey
17:28i respect that you i i get that you miss
17:31me
17:32i get that you're confused i get that
17:34you miss what we have
17:36but unless the decision has changed
17:39um it's inappropriate for you to be
17:42reaching out to me right now
17:45and then you leave it and then you go
17:46back to no contact
17:48you see that
17:49yeah
17:50this is really really really important
17:53this is your this is your time we're
17:55talking about this is your energy we're
17:58talking about
17:59you have honestly we have this much time
18:03here on this earth i know that's why at
18:05this point i i felt like i gave in six
18:08months i think it's just enough time
18:10for him to kind of know
18:13you know where we are how he feels about
18:15it can we work no but let me change let
18:18me let me flip that for you sabina is
18:19enough time for you to know
18:22yes it's enough time for you to know
18:24stop putting the ball in his court it's
18:25enough time for you to know where you
18:27are
18:28that's enough time for you to know what
18:30this man is willing to give you
18:33right i do know what i want and what i
18:36want from it and i wanted it he's not
18:38willing or he claims it is not the best
18:41it's not a good timing he can't give me
18:43what i want right now but by the way he
18:46can't then i have to let it go correct
18:47if he says it's not good timing whether
18:50the reason it's not good timing is noble
18:52or not doesn't make it good timing for
18:54you it doesn't matter what his reason is
18:57for it being bad timing and this is a
18:59mistake that i see people make all the
19:01time
19:02they try to assess whether his reasons
19:04are valid or not it doesn't matter
19:06whether your reasons are valid or not
19:07the relate reality is still you don't
19:09want a relationship with me that's all i
19:11need to know right
19:13you're just you're not in a place where
19:14you can have a relationship and he was
19:16coming back and
19:17and treating me and saying all those
19:19things like he wants a relationship
19:21and he doesn't want me to see anybody
19:23else of course by himself but he doesn't
19:26want to commit of course
19:28but can you hear that can you is that is
19:31that really
19:33what you're worth is staying in your box
19:36waiting for someone to decide that
19:38they're ready to come play with you
19:39you're right
19:41think about that
19:42i love all the comments by the way that
19:44um
19:45everyone is writing
19:47i could see them yeah but you know
19:50ignore the comments because the truth is
19:53everyone has an opinion on your
19:55situation and no one knows how hard it
19:57is when unless they're in it we're all
19:59good at telling everyone else what they
20:01should do and leave right now and don't
20:03do this don't do that and then all of a
20:05sudden we find ourselves all [ __ ] up
20:07and in love and we start doing really
20:10different things than we tell everyone
20:11else to do so ignore the comments this
20:14is about you it's not easy doing this is
20:16not easy you're in it right now it's
20:18your life it's your feelings it's your
20:20emotions but
20:22that's
20:23it's it's your heart that we're
20:24protecting here and it's your time and
20:27your energy and you have to you have to
20:30love yourself and your time and your
20:32energy more than to allow someone to
20:35dictate to you that you should sit there
20:37and accept less until they decide
20:41that
20:42you're
20:43someone they want to have a relationship
20:45with that you that cannot ever be the
20:48deal you make with someone ever ever
20:50ever and if he
20:52um six months from now
20:54and at that point he wants to have a
20:56relationship with you
20:58if you're still on the market
21:00okay let's talk let's talk again no
21:03aggression no anger i'm not gonna say no
21:05to you because i'm angry at you from
21:06before that's ego no if you if finally
21:10you're in a place where you're ready and
21:11i'm ready and i haven't met someone then
21:14let's talk as long as you're going to
21:15give me something very different from
21:16last time
21:17but
21:18maybe you won't be available anymore and
21:21that unfortunately for him that's the
21:23risk he's taking right now
21:25but it's a risk he has to take you're
21:27not going to absorb that risk for him by
21:29hanging around
21:32you're right thank you
21:52you