The #1 MINDSET That Makes You INSTANTLY More Attractive

0:00Welcome to the calm method. I'm

0:04delighted to see all of you here. I have

0:08your comments right in front of me here

0:10where I can see you all and interact

0:12with you all. I'm really I'm really

0:15grateful for this. I I have to say

0:17before we went live, I was reading

0:21just all the different parts of the

0:23world that you're in right now. And I'm

0:26doing this from our home here in LA, but

0:31I see we have people from literally

0:33every every corner of the earth. And I'm

0:37I have to say I'm I'm really humbled.

0:39I'm really humbled by how many people

0:41are here. We had 15,000 people sign up

0:46to be part of this. And that is a an

0:50extraordinary number. Um, we didn't run

0:52any advertising to this. This is just

0:55people who have discovered it through my

0:58social media and people who are on my

0:59mailing list. And the fact that there

1:01are so many of you who are here and you

1:03know, I'm I I see these comments from

1:06people saying, uh, you know, I I've just

1:09been so excited about this. I've been so

1:11looking forward to this. And it always

1:12means so much to me to sit here and read

1:15comments from people saying, I'm so I've

1:18been looking forward to this. I I'm

1:20humbled after doing this for 18 now 19

1:26years. Uh I'm humbled by how many people

1:30care about what I do and feel connected

1:33to what I do and my message and put

1:36their trust and their faith in me. So

1:38I'm I'm so happy you're here. I feel

1:41really grateful. I I want to just state

1:44an intention as we go into this because

1:48I firstly I truly believe that what is

1:51going on up here in our mind determines

1:55our quality of life. Period. Whatever is

1:58going on in our lives right now,

2:00whatever hardship you're in, whatever

2:02difficulty, whatever breakup, whatever

2:05loneliness, whatever difficult dating

2:08experience you're having right now,

2:09whatever uncertainty you're experiencing

2:11in your life, I truly believe that our

2:14experience of life is more than anything

2:17else determined by what is happening in

2:20our mind, the quality of our thoughts,

2:23the quality of our emotions

2:26And over the course of these three days

2:29and starting with today, we're going to

2:30learn why it is we feel stuck in the

2:35same emotional patterns that for many of

2:38us have haunted us for our entire lives.

2:41What's going on when we get triggered by

2:43people or events? Um, and how can we put

2:47ourselves back in the driver's seat of

2:48our own emotions, both in our love life

2:51and everywhere else in our life, too.

2:54But I want to set an intention, which is

2:57to say, this isn't a YouTube video.

3:03This is something I've painstakingly

3:05designed over the previous weeks as a

3:08free experience. I wanted everyone to be

3:10able to do this. I did not want this to

3:12be exclusive.

3:14And I when I put on a free experience, I

3:17don't think how little can I give. I

3:20think what can I give that's genuinely

3:23going to help people that I can possibly

3:25give with my own time constraints and my

3:28life and I have a 10-month-old son next

3:30door who I hope won't scream his way

3:32through this and my wonderful wife

3:35Audrey and you know we have so many

3:37things going on we have a retreat next

3:38month but I I really try to engineer

3:42these experiences to be something that

3:44actually is valuable I think we live in

3:46a world today where we feel like if it's

3:47free it's worthless if it's free there's

3:49a catch. I really designed these, which

3:52is why, by the way, I can't do many of

3:54these. I did one, shout out to anyone

3:56who was there for 5 days to mend back in

3:58July, I think it was. When I design

4:01something like this, it's rare because I

4:04genuinely design it with being helpful

4:07in mind. That if you never do another

4:10journey with me, if you don't ever buy

4:11one of my programs or come to my retreat

4:14or anything else, you can still say that

4:173 days, I can't believe I didn't pay

4:20$1,000 for that. I can't believe that

4:22this was free. That's my intention for

4:24this. I want this to genuinely be

4:26helpful for you. And look, I will my

4:29promise to you is I won't hold back

4:32these three days. I'll give you as much

4:34as I possibly can in the time that we

4:36have. And if you find it helpful, come

4:39do a bigger journey with me. Stay with

4:40me on the process. Not for me, but

4:42because it's working for you. That's the

4:45deal. Okay? And I over the next 3 days,

4:49my intention is for us to genuinely be

4:51present with each other because an

4:53enormous part of presence is uh or an

4:57enormous part of calm is presence. And

5:01we live in a world today where we're

5:02really struggling to be present. I don't

5:04know about you, I find it harder to

5:07focus than ever. There are so many

5:09things distracting us. There are so many

5:10ways to doom scroll. There are so many

5:12ways to get lost in our phone or our

5:15laptop. You know, most of us that the

5:17the digital equivalent of when we go to

5:21a room in our house looking for

5:22something and then we get to that room

5:23and we can't remember why we walked into

5:25that room. That's what we're

5:27experiencing online on our laptops, on

5:29our phones all the time. You know, we we

5:31open an app or we go to our phone and

5:33then before we know it, we spent 30

5:35minutes on some social media nonsense

5:39and we forget why we picked up our phone

5:41in the first place. the this is the

5:43opposite of calm and I YouTube has

5:48become a place where it's very

5:51fragmented information and listen I'm

5:54very grateful that YouTube exists it's

5:56allowed me to reach so many of you but

5:58YouTube is not a great home for a a

6:03genuine journey something that truly

6:05changes us it's a great introduction but

6:08what YouTube's algorithm rewards and

6:09what every social media algorithm

6:11rewards is entertaining fragments.

6:15And entertaining fragments don't change

6:17our lives.

6:19What that's why, by the way, we can

6:21repost a thousand inspirational quotes

6:23and they can do nothing to move the

6:25needle in our lives, our happiness, the

6:27results we're getting in life. What

6:29changes our life are journeys, genuine

6:32processes.

6:34So given that it's this is happening

6:37live, given that this is happening over

6:413 days and this is a very very rare

6:44opportunity for us to do something like

6:46this together, especially if the content

6:49of this is something you desperately

6:51need.

6:54Give me your full attention for these

6:56three days. Don't dip in and dip out.

6:59Like eliminate the distractions. Just be

7:01here with me for this time. I promise

7:04you, you'll get the rewards for this by

7:06actually showing up and being present.

7:08Treat this like you just paid $1,000 for

7:11it. Treat it like you paid $4,000 for it

7:14and you just showed up to a 3-day course

7:16and you're like, I'm going to get my

7:17money's worth from this. Treat it like

7:20that. I promise you, you're going to get

7:22so much out of this. I want to just do a

7:25shout out to the calm community. Um, for

7:29everyone who's already in there, I

7:30really appreciate your comments and the

7:32love you've shown me. By the way, the

7:34chat function is now open so you can

7:36chat to each other. Um, if you haven't

7:38yet joined the calm community that's

7:40going to be an essential piece of this

7:423-day process. Not only are we having a

7:44community to go through this experience

7:46together with, um, we're also going to

7:49do the Q&A after each session on YouTube

7:52inside that community. So, I will be

7:55answering questions of you. You might

7:57even get to ask me a your personal

7:59question. I'm going to be doing that at

8:01the end of each session, but that's

8:03going to happen in the community because

8:04that's the only place I can actually

8:06bring people on live with me and do some

8:09live demos. So, um, that will be in

8:12there. Uh, the Q&A will be once we're

8:15done here, which will probably be in

8:18about 90 minutes. It might be an hour,

8:21but if I run over a little, it might be

8:2390 minutes. Clear the space in your

8:25diary. Now, I promise you it's going to

8:27be worth it. Um, now look, I know that

8:32on a deeper level, we're looking at

8:35what's going on in our minds. Why are we

8:37as reactive as we are? How can we change

8:40it? How can we get control of our

8:43emotions so we don't get hijacked? But

8:45if we forget all of that deeper stuff

8:48for a moment, who here

8:53just really really wants to find love?

8:56Like more than anything else? I just I

8:58want to get that out in the open because

9:00I know so many of you know me through

9:02love advice, dating advice, relationship

9:04advice. Um, who here wants to learn

9:08everything we're learning over these

9:10three days, but like your biggest goal

9:12in life is to find love.

9:16So, there's a lot of you in here right

9:19now. I can't even keep up with the

9:20names. Um, Patricia,

9:25Lauren, Laura, Justine.

9:30Who here

9:32would not just like to find love, but

9:36would like to make having a relationship

9:41enjoyable instead of a relationship

9:44being something in itself that makes you

9:46spiral? How many people here have some

9:50kind of a relationship? Maybe you're

9:52dating someone. Maybe you're seeing

9:54someone more seriously. Maybe you're in

9:56a long-term relationship, but you can't

9:59enjoy it. Like, you cannot find enough

10:02calm within yourself to actually make

10:04the most of that relationship, to be

10:06your most attractive, to be your most

10:09impactful, to just enjoy it. Like,

10:12forget having an impact on them when

10:14they're around. When they're not around,

10:15you'd like to not be suffering because

10:18you're scared that they don't love you

10:19or they don't feel the same way about

10:21you as you feel about them or you're

10:23worried that them not texting you for a

10:24few hours means that they're changing

10:26their mind or that they don't love you

10:28as much as they did yesterday.

10:31So many of us can't and I've listen I've

10:35been there. The reason I can talk so

10:36fluently on these subjects is not just

10:38because I've studied them for many many

10:40years of my life. It's because I am you.

10:43I am you. You know, I joked I joked

10:46yesterday or this morning in a in a post

10:48about like, you know, having I I would

10:51lovingly refer to myself sometimes as

10:53having like broken brain, you know, in

10:55my in my moments where I'd like

10:57playfully be defeated. I'd be like, I

10:59just got I have a broken brain. My brain

11:02just is I have broken brain syndrome,

11:05you know? And then and I know you know

11:08some of us have that feeling in life

11:09like I have just ex I've been through

11:13too much. I've experienced too much.

11:15Life has life has beaten me knocked me

11:19around so much that maybe it it just too

11:23much has happened for me to operate like

11:26I see normal people operating. People

11:30who don't struggle with all of this. I I

11:33just maybe I will never be that. Maybe

11:36I'll never be able to be that simple.

11:38Maybe I'll never be able to feel that

11:41calm or that happy or that peaceful or

11:43that confident because too much has

11:45happened in life. Who here who here

11:47feels that like I just like there's

11:50almost there is an embedded belief that

11:52maybe I'm I'm just too broken

11:55like I'm not in a place where I can I

11:58can be like that. You see other people

12:01and the reason I refer to normal people

12:03is not because I mean normal people

12:05obviously it's because I that's how we

12:07feel on an emotional level. I'm [ __ ]

12:10up. Everyone else is normal.

12:14Right.

12:15So there's so many of you. Yeah.

12:20So

12:23I'm here to tell you that

12:25no piece of advice I have ever given

12:30or will ever give about how to

12:33communicate, what to say, what to text,

12:35what to do on a date, how to have the

12:38commitment conversation, how to have

12:39exclusivity conversations with someone,

12:42all of that. that there is no single

12:44thing that will transform your life,

12:46your love life, your relationships, your

12:50abilities in attraction to be your most

12:52attractive self like what I am about to

12:55share with you in the next 3 days.

12:59Nothing even comes close to having such

13:03a seismic effect on the opportunities

13:05that will come to you and how

13:07confidently and and joyfully you can

13:10grasp those opportunities

13:13with the tools that you will have by the

13:15time we get to Thursday of this week. By

13:18the time you wake up on Friday with the

13:21tools that you'll have.

13:23So, like I said, set aside the

13:26distractions. Your phone, put it on

13:28site, put it on do not disturb, turn the

13:31TV in the background off. It'll all be

13:33there later. It'll all be there when

13:35you're done here. And if you're

13:37struggling, by the way, if you're like,

13:38"Oh, but I need I'm itchy. I I need

13:41other things to do. I need to

13:42multitask."

13:44You're already that's already signaling

13:46one of the ways that you're moving away

13:49from calm because so much of calm is

13:52presence. And if we can't bring our

13:54focus to bear on something important,

13:58then how are we going to do it when

14:00someone texts us something that is

14:03confusing and we need to focus on

14:06something more productive than analyzing

14:08their message for the 53rd time? How are

14:11we going to do it when someone doesn't

14:13text us at all or shows us mixed

14:15signals? And we need to be able to

14:19connect back to what's truly important,

14:22our value or what's important in our

14:24lives and not get hung up and obsessed

14:26and hijacked by this person. How are we

14:28going to do it there if we can't do it

14:30here? This is training. The training

14:33begins now.

14:35So,

14:39and and by the way, the kind of

14:40confidence that this is going to build

14:42has nothing to do with how good-looking

14:44you are, how successful you are. the

14:46shape of your body, your age, none of

14:49those things that people get insecure

14:51about and use as a reason not to be

14:54confident. This is a kind of confidence

14:58that is available to every single one of

15:01us and you're going to have access to

15:03it. It can give you a level of

15:06attraction you have never experienced in

15:08the past.

15:09And more importantly, you'll actually

15:12feel in control. You won't feel at the

15:15mercy of everybody else in your life,

15:17whether it's the person you're dating.

15:20How many people right now feel like your

15:21emotions are subject to the behaviors of

15:24the person you're dating? How many

15:26people feel that?

15:29How many people feel like your emotions

15:31are subject to a particular family

15:35member who triggers you or makes you

15:38lose your mind or sends your nervous

15:41system into a state of uh hypervigilance

15:45or panic or that sick feeling you get in

15:48your stomach that someone has that

15:50unique ability to send you there.

15:56Or it could even be people, strangers or

15:59people at work, situations socially that

16:03make you feel like you're not enough or

16:06make you feel scared. Situations where

16:09confrontation happens in life and you

16:12feel like it happens and you can't calm

16:14down afterwards. It just takes you over.

16:18Or maybe there's situations where you

16:20fear seeing someone. Who here in their

16:22life has someone you fear seeing? Maybe

16:24an ex, maybe a certain narcissist in

16:28your life, someone who has been a toxic

16:32presence, and you fear seeing this

16:35person. Even just the thought of an

16:38interaction with that person hijacks

16:41your body. You can feel it in your body

16:44on a visceral level.

16:46We all have these scenarios that come up

16:48for us over and over again.

16:51And let me tell you you there is no

16:54shame in feeling any of these things.

16:57I am the per I can show you just from

17:00the last week alone

17:03many many many emails and DMs that I

17:06have received from psychologists of all

17:10different levels and all different

17:12backgrounds. psychiatrists,

17:15healers who themselves

17:18struggle with these things, who have

17:20told me, "I'm so looking forward to

17:22this, Matthew. I'm someone who helps

17:24other people with this stuff, and I

17:26still struggle with it myself." I've got

17:29people who have emailed me to say, "I'm

17:31ashamed because in every other part of

17:32my life, this doesn't happen to me, but

17:35in my dating life, I am uniquely able to

17:38be hijacked." And in some cases, so much

17:41so that you know I I have to go to

17:44medication for it because the

17:46uncertainty of dating is so intolerable

17:50to me.

17:55If any of this relates to you, you are

17:57in the right place.

18:00And I want to start by actually getting

18:04a sense of who is in the room and what

18:06you're going through. What are your

18:08common emotional

18:11patterns?

18:12What are maybe let's start with what are

18:15some emotions that you struggle with

18:19and repeat over and over and over again?

18:22Do you have a favorite? And I don't mean

18:24literally a favorite, but do you have

18:26like an emotion that for you is like

18:28this this emotion is just it's the same

18:31emotion that captures me over and over

18:33and over again in my life? What is the

18:36default negative emotion that you go to?

18:39So self judgment, anxiety,

18:44stress,

18:46fear, some people saying fear of

18:48abandonment,

18:50irritation,

18:53fear of rejection,

18:57needing approval.

19:01There's a lot of self judgment. I see

19:03that those words coming up a lot.

19:05worthiness or feeling of unworthiness.

19:12Yeah.

19:16Okay. So, let me ask you this.

19:19What is a

19:22common

19:24and maybe even the most common

19:27trigger for you for that emotion?

19:31And if you can't think of a common one,

19:33maybe you can even just think of the

19:35most recent one. What's a recent way

19:38that that emotion got triggered for you?

19:41Let's just see what people say. So

19:46being ignored,

19:50what's a situation like give me a

19:51scenario like what's something that's

19:53just happened maybe as recently as this

19:55week or even in the last 24 hours that

19:58has done this. So someone said silence

20:00when people go a lot of people saying

20:02when people go silent not being seen

20:08anticipatory grief

20:11uh tone of voice

20:14seeing my ex

20:18disrespect.

20:21I want you to think about for a moment

20:25it a a moment this week because this

20:27stuff is really really important and

20:28powerful. The the best training ground

20:31are the things that are real to us now.

20:33It's not something that was real to you

20:355 years ago that you remember was a hard

20:38time. Like what's real to you today?

20:40What's been real to you in the last

20:42week? And how much did it impact you?

20:45How much did it impact your life? How

20:48much did it impact your ability to enjoy

20:51life?

20:57Now, for some of you, we've got like

20:59some of the common themes here are

21:01uncertainty in dating. Un for how many

21:04people it's like uncertainty in dating

21:05is the big one for me. It is

21:08intolerable. I can't I'm okay if I'm not

21:11dating although I'm have a different

21:13trigger which is my loneliness when I'm

21:15not dating or maybe my anxiety that I'm

21:17never going to meet anyone anxiety about

21:19the future anxiet or or maybe even

21:22self-loathing that I'm not doing

21:24anything about this part of my life but

21:26the moment I try to alleviate those

21:29anxieties and I step into dating oh my

21:32god it whatever peace I have found as a

21:36single person is immediately taken from

21:39me. I there is no peace for me when I'm

21:42dating cuz as soon as I start liking

21:45someone, as soon as I feel my my heart

21:47is on the line again, as soon as I feel

21:49I can get rejected, as soon as I get

21:51intimate with somebody and I can feel

21:53used, as soon as someone can start

21:56giving me mixed signals and create

21:58uncertainty that I can't solve on my

22:00own, my peace is gone. Which by the way

22:03explains why many people for like they

22:06oscillate between the what they feel is

22:11untenability of being single. It's

22:14unbearable to be single for too long.

22:17But then it's unbearable to try and

22:19date. So I'm going to stop dating and be

22:22single again and just be happy with

22:23that. But then that slowly starts to

22:24become unbearable and I go and date

22:26again. And now I date again and it's

22:27unbearable. I can't do this. How many

22:29people go through that cycle? You're

22:32like, whichever way you go, you feel

22:35you're you feel triggered. You feel

22:36activated.

22:38For some people, the trigger is my life

22:41isn't where I want it to be. So, I'm

22:44single. I want a relationship. Maybe I

22:46want kids. I want marriage. I want a

22:48family. And I feel miserable

22:53like that every time I see someone who

22:55has that. I every time I see a new

22:57Instagram post of a friend of mine or

23:00someone I know, someone in my network

23:01who just has a new who's just had a new

23:03baby, who just got married, who just got

23:06engaged, it just floods me with anxiety

23:11or resentment about my own life or a

23:15feeling of being left behind, a feeling

23:17of not being good enough, uh depression.

23:21How many people feel like they've got

23:23themselves into this incessant cycle of

23:26comparison that almost now feels

23:29compulsive? Like I have no control over

23:31it. And it doesn't I'm not saying you

23:33see a friend getting married and you

23:34wish the worst for them. Although

23:36somewhere in the back of our mind it

23:38like we're human beings pe even people

23:40who are not bad people have thoughts

23:43like why does why do deep down I I I'm

23:47not rooting for their success? What's

23:49going on with me? And we can even be

23:50ashamed of that. What is it about me

23:52that's not rooting for their success?

23:55Right? And it's of course it's not it

23:57doesn't come from a place of we're

23:58horrible sadists who want the worst for

24:01everyone. It can come from a place of

24:02such dire unhappiness on a deeper level

24:05or such fear on a deeper level, such

24:07resentment on a deeper level that it

24:09actually makes us have thoughts that

24:11that really aren't us. Right? But it

24:15doesn't mean we wish anyone harm. It can

24:17just mean I'm I'm just this signals

24:19something to me that terrifies me about

24:21my own life. I feel yes, I feel jealous.

24:26Yes, I'm truly envious when I see. Yes,

24:28I feel sad when I see this. Right? For

24:32some of us, it's it's our mistakes. Our

24:35triggers are our own mistakes. We look

24:37back on a life where we wish we had done

24:39things differently, where we wish we had

24:41approached things differently,

24:43where we wish we had made a different

24:45decision along the way. And and we learn

24:48to hate ourselves for those mistakes. We

24:51feel like they've cost us so much. And

24:53we hear all of this stuff about self-

24:55loveve and it's like, "How can I love

24:56the person who got me into this

24:58position? I hate myself for getting me

25:00into this position." And we end up, if

25:02we're not careful, we hate ourselves

25:04more than we hate anyone in the world.

25:07Because we we have this feeling of I did

25:09this to me or I'm not this all happened

25:11because I'm not good enough.

25:15For some people, the trigger and tell me

25:16if you relate to this one, the trigger

25:18is hope.

25:20Hope is the trigger. How could hope be

25:22the trigger? Well, because as long as I

25:25think maybe one day it will get better,

25:27I'm constantly waiting for that day. And

25:29when that day doesn't come, I used to

25:32have this with a chronic physical pain.

25:35I I for many years I had terrible

25:37chronic physical pain and every time I

25:39would find a new doctor or a new

25:41possible cure, a new treatment, a new

25:44something that might take away this

25:46pain, I momentarily got my hopes up that

25:48finally I was going to feel better.

25:50Finally, it was going to change. And

25:52then, you know, I kind of got elated and

25:54I got this kind of high, even though my

25:57physical condition hadn't changed, I had

25:59this high that it was going to get

26:00better. And then when the treatment

26:02didn't work, I would go into an even

26:05deeper low. I'd go into an even deeper

26:07depression.

26:09So for many of us, hope is the trigger.

26:11Isn't how messed up is that? That we get

26:14told hope is a good thing, but hope

26:15itself can be the thing that makes us

26:17miserable.

26:20For some of us, the trigger is an ex.

26:24There's someone in our life that, you

26:25know, we can't we cannot stop thinking

26:28about. I cannot get over this person. I

26:31can't seem to move forward through this

26:33heartbreak.

26:34I can't get them off my mind. I think of

26:37them compulsively.

26:42And then we get scared that, you know,

26:44it's like we don't just get scared

26:47because we get triggered. We get scared

26:49because we're like, how am I still

26:51getting triggered?

26:53How am I how is this person still

26:55impacting me emotionally? And then that

26:58thought becomes the secondary scary

26:59thought.

27:03How do these triggers affect you? This

27:06is my question. How do they affect you?

27:12Make write a a comment. You know, maybe

27:14it's they take me out of my life. Maybe

27:17it's I can't get my work done. Uh they

27:19impact my health.

27:23I someone said I can't sleep.

27:27Quiet Melody says, "I can't focus.

27:32Keeps me stuck," says Michelle. Someone

27:35said, "I feel like running away. I shut

27:37down. I can't start fresh.

27:41Losing faith. I put up walls. Can't eat.

27:45Irritable. Can't enjoy life. Mental

27:48fog."

27:51And I'm sure all of us here relate to

27:53one if not all of these things on some

27:56level.

28:00Now I want to approach this question

28:01from a different place for a moment.

28:07What would be possible

28:10if you were able to change how much

28:15these triggers impacted you? If you were

28:19able to change how much you were able to

28:23get emotionally hijacked,

28:25if these things didn't impact you in the

28:28same way, really think about that for a

28:31moment. What would improve in your life?

28:34What would be possible?

28:38How would it impact

28:41how people would see you?

28:45How would it impact how attractive you

28:48were when you were dating someone?

28:53How would it impact

28:55the balance? Not that relationships are

28:58a power struggle, but like your personal

29:01power in a relationship.

29:06Your ability to have your own personal

29:08power that's not impacted by somebody

29:10else. What would that do for the

29:12relationship?

29:18How would it impact how you show up to

29:19people in your life?

29:23Someone said, "I would be at peace and

29:24in control of me.

29:29I'd feel safe all the time.

29:32Make me more confident. It'd make me

29:35healthily detached. Not which is

29:37important to distinguish between

29:38unhealthily attached attach detached

29:42true independence

29:44be more grounded while I was dating.

29:46That's an interesting one. I'd be more

29:48proud of myself.

30:04I believe

30:07that one of the most painful things

30:09about the ways that we feel ourselves

30:12get hijacked in life

30:15is this feeling that it never changes.

30:21I actually think that that's the

30:23scariest thought of all because we think

30:26about all of the ways this impacts our

30:28lives, ways it might make us sabotage,

30:31ways it might push people away, ways it

30:33just makes us generally really unhappy

30:35and able to enjoy this life. But the

30:39scary thought is the idea that it will

30:41never change.

30:43I just I can't feel better. I I I will

30:48never get over this.

30:50I'm just stuck here. I have been

30:54triggered by this my whole life and I

30:56can't help it.

30:58I always struggle with this and I just I

31:00don't know why. What's wrong with me?

31:03I'm so affected by other people. I rely

31:07so much on other people thinking the

31:09right things about me. I am so scared

31:12all the time of uncertainty, of

31:15rejection. I'm so on edge. I I feel like

31:19my body is literally controlled by other

31:22people. My entire nervous system is

31:25controlled from the outside.

31:28And that scariness of I've tried

31:30everything

31:33is what makes us get catastrophic about

31:35it. That's when when I joke I'm half

31:37joking. That feeling of like I'm just

31:39I've got broken brain.

31:42Like I'm just broken.

31:45I am just broken.

31:50And like I said, I relate to this, you

31:52know, I I consider myself uh, you know,

31:55a part of that club of people who relate

31:58to the idea of of not being a simple

32:02person, of being, you know, a bit of a

32:04complicated little soul. And and it's

32:09easy to feel like that's never gonna

32:11change.

32:13I know that over the years people's

32:15perception of me has been very different

32:18to what is going on in my head so much

32:21of the time. I know that there have been

32:24times where I've been helping people in

32:26their love lives while I've been

32:27struggling in my own.

32:31And I know that feeling of watching

32:33somebody else who seems like they don't

32:35overanalyze everything.

32:38like people who

32:41you know just they they react to a

32:44situation completely differently and

32:46it's much more simple and you you you

32:48they you go how how do you do that and

32:50they go I I didn't really I don't know I

32:52just didn't really overthink it and you

32:53go

32:54how the [ __ ] did you do that

32:58what are you talking what do you mean

32:59you didn't overthink it like how did you

33:02not do that because for those of us who

33:06either have a certain makeup or we've

33:08been through certain things. Those of us

33:10who have not had it easy in life, who in

33:12some ways have had a a a rough go of it

33:14or a complicated go of it, um it's never

33:18that easy.

33:20It's never that easy. So, and and and it

33:22can literally be like trying to learn

33:26how to dunk from an NBA player who's

33:30seven feet tall

33:32and we're 5'11,

33:36you know? It's like I can't I I can't

33:38how what can I learn from you about how

33:40to dunk?

33:42We are different heights.

33:44So I really believe that we learn so

33:47much. Not that we can't learn from

33:49people who are naturals at things. We

33:51can, but we learn so much from people

33:54who have been through the same things we

33:55have, who understand what it is to feel

33:58sick with anxiety in a relationship

34:01because we sent the wrong text and now

34:03we're blaming ourselves that we've

34:04ruined everything.

34:07who feel like they made a mistake and

34:08it's cost them their person and

34:11literally can't can't think straight,

34:14can't eat, can't sleep, are

34:18spinning out internally in a way no one

34:20would even know the hell that is going

34:22on inside their mind

34:32and that that feeling of I I would do

34:35anything. Like you ever had that feeling

34:36in a relationship of I would just do

34:38anything to make this person love me the

34:40way I love them?

34:43You know, can I just go to a shop like

34:45the one in the film Obsession and just

34:48find one of those little sticks?

34:51The shopkeeper goes, "No, you just to

34:53just to be clear, if you break that

34:55stick, all sorts of hell's going to

34:57break loose. If they become obsessed

34:58with you on that, "Oh, you already broke

34:59it." Okay.

35:02Oh, you broke it five minutes ago. like

35:05that feeling of I just I I can't live in

35:09this state.

35:12And whenever anyone says like, "Oh, this

35:15this is these feelings are like you

35:18choose you choose whether you get

35:20triggered or not. You choose like we

35:23this is a choice." No, it [ __ ] isn't.

35:28It's anyone who has experienced any kind

35:30of trauma in their life knows

35:33that feeling of something happening that

35:37there's an instantaneous bodily

35:39reaction. Like for some of you have been

35:41through a lot in your lives to put it

35:43lightly. And if you hear

35:47someone at the door or if you hear a

35:49door slam too hard or you suddenly hear

35:52a siren in the background,

35:55you can feel it in your body.

35:58Some of you have been through enough

35:59that when someone calls you and says,

36:02"Um, I need to talk to you about

36:04something." Your immediate response is,

36:07"Who died?

36:10What happened?" Like, your brain goes to

36:13the worst possible thing. And they're

36:15like, "Oh, no. I I just wanted to let

36:18you know that I don't know if I can do

36:19this Friday for lunch, for dinner." And

36:22you're like, "Oh my god." And now you

36:25have to decompress from that state

36:27because of the language someone used.

36:30Don't you can't tell me that that's a

36:33response.

36:35It's a there's an instinctive

36:39it something happens and your nervous

36:41system lights up.

36:45It's like a switch got flipped in our

36:48body.

36:53But we do have the space

36:57if we take it

37:00to choose what happens next when that

37:05switch gets flipped.

37:10And our choices matter

37:13in that moment because those choices

37:15will shape our entire life.

37:18They shape how calm we are,

37:22how we come across to other people, how

37:24attractive we are, how powerful we are,

37:26how much respect we command.

37:29Ultimately,

37:30most importantly, they shape how happy

37:33we are.

37:37They shape what opportunities come to

37:39us. They shape what opportunities we're

37:41able to hold on to.

37:45That's what I mean by this is the most

37:47important work we could possibly be

37:49doing. And I'm going to move on to our

37:54first tool here today.

37:57But as I do, I want you to understand

37:59there's nothing that I'm going to give

38:02you over these three days that I don't

38:05use regularly in my life.

38:10I'm excited not just because this is the

38:13deepest work I do and it's going to show

38:15you what's possible.

38:17I'm excited because I'm sharing with you

38:20like my favorite toys. I'm sharing with

38:23you things that change my life. Not just

38:26it past tense every day.

38:31And I I want this for you because I know

38:33I've been doing this a long time. I know

38:35how m much more free you can be than you

38:38are right now.

38:42I know that most of you, maybe all of

38:44you, don't even realize yet what's

38:45possible for you. When you tap into a

38:49the kind of

38:52a a kind of power that's not even

38:54conscious to us right now, when we're

38:57trapped in our narrow cycles, our narrow

39:00groove of what we've always done. I

39:03mean, and I'm excited for you because

39:06you deserve better.

39:09You deserve to be happy.

39:13You deserve to experience life as more

39:16fun than you're experiencing it as right

39:18now. As more joyful than you're

39:21experiencing it as right now. A friend

39:23of mine once said to me, uh, we were we

39:27were working that many of you know him.

39:29His name's Jameson Jordan. He shot my

39:31videos for a long time, one of my best

39:33friends.

39:35And I remember years ago he looked at me

39:37and I was in my triggered state, which

39:39work puts me in a triggered state a lot

39:41and I've had to work very hard on that.

39:44And uh one day he looked at me with this

39:47strained look on my face and he said,

39:52"When's the fun going to start?"

39:56Isn't that like a kind of damning

39:59phrase?

40:01He looked at me and he said, "When's the

40:03fun going to start?" Like, in other

40:05words, what when are we going to start

40:08enjoying like when is this going to get

40:10when are we going to enjoy this? When

40:11are we going to allow ourselves

40:14to have a good time with this?

40:16Why does it all have to feel so

40:18difficult all the time? And I think so

40:20many of us relate to that on a life

40:22level. Like, when does the when's the

40:25[ __ ] fun going to start?

40:28When when do I get to feel at peace?

40:31When do I get to feel happy? You deserve

40:34that.

40:36I am

40:38in the tools that I'm going to give you.

40:40I'm not going to be dogmatic.

40:44I'm not someone who subscribes to any

40:47one technique or set of techniques. I

40:50borrow from everything. I have no qualms

40:55about if something works, if something's

40:58useful, I take it on. I I think of like

41:01my Bruce Lee uh his philosophy for

41:04martial arts, which is not subscribing

41:06to a dogmatic way of practicing martial

41:10arts, but just taking what's useful from

41:13everywhere. I apply to the world of

41:15self-development and healing. So you

41:18don't have to come here and think

41:20there's some agenda with a certain way

41:23of thinking. There's not. It's about

41:25finding what's useful from any modality,

41:28from any practice, and bringing it into

41:31one comprehensive place. And as I see

41:33it, I get paid to make things simple.

41:37I get paid to take complicated things

41:39and disperate things and things that

41:41people find overwhelming when they're

41:42trying to study them separately and

41:45bring them into one unifying and simple

41:48coherent set of ideas and strategies

41:50that you can actually practice.

41:53So let's just start with something

41:57that's an important foundational basic

42:00we need to have. Okay. Firstly,

42:05when we get triggered,

42:10at the point of being triggered, there

42:13is the pain

42:16of being triggered.

42:19Okay,

42:22there's the pain of being triggered

42:25and that hurts. It sucks. It's not a

42:28nice feeling.

42:31But

42:33what turns this pain into something

42:37unbearable,

42:41intolerable

42:45is how we relate

42:51to the pain of being triggered.

42:55How do we relate to the pain of being

42:57triggered?

43:02What story

43:04do I tell myself about this?

43:10Okay, so someone did something. It's

43:12making me anxious. But now because I'm

43:16anxious, I think, uh-oh, because I'm

43:19anxious, I'm going to sabotage this

43:22relationship. I'm going to do what I

43:24always do, which is ruin it. I'm never

43:26going to be And so now we have story,

43:29right? Because I've been triggered, I'm

43:31now going to ruin this relationship

43:39or because I'm triggered, they are now

43:42going to find me unattractive.

43:47They're going to see through

43:50my confident facade. They're going to

43:53see they're going to really see me and

43:55they're going to see the ugliest part of

43:58me and that's going to mean they're

43:59going to leave.

44:03Or I'm always going to be this way.

44:07I'm always going to be this way. Oh my

44:09god, I got triggered. Or some like it

44:11could be your ex, right? My ex. I

44:13thought about my ex again or I saw

44:15something about them on social media. It

44:18triggered me. It made me upset. It made

44:20me sad. It made me miss them. It made me

44:22grieve them all over again. And then I

44:25tell myself a story of I'll never be

44:27over them.

44:30I'll never be over them.

44:36And that story turns catastrophic.

44:44Okay. So it goes from being a fact

44:46something triggered me to a story. It

44:51became catastrophic. Now when some when

44:52when something becomes irrationally

44:55catastrophic

44:57which by definition with the information

44:59we have today cat being catastrophic is

45:01irrational.

45:03We call it a cognitive distortion.

45:08a cognitive distortion which by the way

45:11even that in itself is a calming thought

45:14ah

45:16this right now this what I'm feeling

45:20about the catastrophic feelings I'm

45:22having about this which are I got

45:24anxious they're going to see me as

45:26unattractive because I'm anxious they're

45:27going to leave me they're going to think

45:29I'm gross they're they've just seen the

45:31ugliest side of me they've seen the side

45:33of me that I tried to keep locked up

45:35when I was on the date and I was trying

45:37to say everything perfectly and be the

45:39right kind of person and be playful and

45:41be carefree and show that I don't care

45:43that much where it goes cuz I can just

45:44leave you any time. I don't care about

45:46you. [ __ ] you. I'm fine. I'm just going

45:48to have a good time on this day. You're

45:49not that good-looking. I mean, yeah, you

45:51of course you're stupidly hot, but

45:53you're not that good-looking. I'm fine.

45:54I'm fine. I'm just going to make another

45:56joke. I'm going to drink a little wine.

45:58I'm going to have fun. I'm going to

45:59leave. I'm not going to text you first.

46:00I'm just going to go to bed cuz I'm

46:02fine. I don't really care if you text

46:04me. I'm fine. What are you talking

46:06about? Why are you being so hysterical?

46:08I'm not being hysterical. And then of

46:11course they do something

46:13and we we maybe have an anxious moment

46:16where we leak a little of that fear and

46:20we go, "Oh, they've seen me. Oh, that's

46:22it. It's over because they've seen me.

46:25They've seen who I really am." So now,

46:29but when we see that, ah, that story,

46:31they're now going to not want me.

46:33They're now going to think I'm so ugly,

46:36so unappealing, so unattractive. They're

46:38never going to want me.

46:41That's I'm I've gone somewhere. Ah,

46:43that's useful. Cognitive distortion. Ah,

46:45I can That's actually a pressure valve

46:47in itself. Just bringing awareness. What

46:49did I say? Presence

46:51is an antidote to all of these the the

46:54feelings of anxiety and fear and uh uh

46:58all of these things that the opposite of

47:00calm. just bringing awareness to what's

47:03going on this process. Ah okay this is

47:06actually fine

47:08problem is this how I'm relating to this

47:13so I'll and then by the way if something

47:17does but let's say let's say this person

47:19doesn't respond to you after you have an

47:21anxious moment right so they did leave

47:24well firstly we don't even know if

47:26that's why we have no idea right so it's

47:28not we don't know that that's the reason

47:30they decided they might have been

47:31someone who wasn't serious in the first

47:32face.

47:35But now what we do is we say, "Here we

47:37go. Another one left.

47:40Another one left. I'll never find

47:43anybody because I'm this way. I'll be

47:47alone

47:49forever. I want to read you something.

47:56Someone sent this message

47:59and this was someone who was doing the

48:02heartbreak journey I did back earlier

48:04this year and they said uh I won't

48:08mention this person by name but they

48:09said in this heartbreak journey I've

48:11been reflecting a lot and redirecting my

48:13focus inward since that's within my

48:16control otherwise I get stuck in my

48:19victimhood or I keep the poison alive in

48:22me by rekindling my rage hurt,

48:24disappointment, resentment, maybe

48:26resentment, maybe even temporary hatred.

48:28Something that has come up for me is how

48:30I have participated in being harmful in

48:34my ways of relating to others.

48:37In addition to the heartbreak itself and

48:39the feelings of worthlessness,

48:42I'm also feeling less and less confident

48:44because of how behind I feel I am.

48:48Right? So now we have a story and I'm

48:50behind. Right? There's a very emotive

48:52tone to that story. I'm behind.

48:56Right. Even that is an interesting one,

48:58isn't it? Because uh uh uh that that

49:02concept of behind, people wouldn't say

49:04that if they met the love of their life

49:07and then tragically they lost the love

49:08of their life to an illness. They

49:11wouldn't then say, "I'm behind." They'd

49:14say, "I've just experienced a tragedy, a

49:17loss."

49:18But people who suddenly lose their

49:21partners to to tragedy or life

49:24circumstances don't tend to say, "Oh no,

49:27I'm so behind

49:30there." And the situation is exactly the

49:33same in one sense. These are two people

49:35who are now not partnered. One of them

49:38is not partnered because they didn't

49:40find a relationship or because

49:41relationships in the past haven't gone

49:43well. Another person is not partnered

49:45because they lost someone. same sit same

49:49situation today. Both of them happen to

49:52be single people

49:55but very different emotional stories

49:58behind them. One says I've experienced a

50:00tragedy. One says I'm behind. That's

50:03interesting.

50:05So she goes on to say my introspection

50:09has revealed to me a mountain of

50:11patterned behavior that I have had to

50:14that I have to work on. A lot of it

50:16rooted in childhood.

50:18It's almost to the point that I feel I

50:20may never be healed enough or good

50:22enough. Watch what's happening now. It's

50:24almost at the point where I feel I may

50:26never be healed enough or good enough to

50:28be ready for someone in the future, nor

50:30able to be a good partner to them. So

50:33now we're getting into the territory of

50:36that cognitive distortion, of that

50:38catastrophe.

50:40It leaves me feeling like maybe people

50:43are justified in not choosing me

50:46regardless of how not okay their methods

50:48of not choosing me were cheating, lying,

50:51disrespecting, discarding. So now it's

50:55no one's ever going to want me and it's

50:59all my fault. They are fully justified

51:02in not wanting me.

51:05Uh, I'm someone who's committed to

51:07therapy for decades at this point and

51:09rarely has shied away from change or

51:11self-growth. It is not for lack of

51:12effort that my progress seems so slow or

51:15insufficient. Right? So now, of course,

51:18we're building a case. And the case is

51:21I've done all of this stuff. It hasn't

51:23worked. Therefore,

51:26I'm justified in the catastrophic

51:29thinking that I'm now saying is factual

51:32thinking that maybe I'll just never

51:34maybe I will never be healed enough. She

51:36goes on to say, "What advice do you have

51:38for someone like me who feels who doubts

51:41that they will ever be healed or ready

51:45enough to attract or be good for the

51:48kind of partner we wish for?"

51:51Who here relates

51:53to this?

51:57So

52:01this idea of I get triggered.

52:07I then create a story about that

52:10trigger. I'm always going to be alone.

52:12It's never going to work out for me. We

52:14can call this a secondary trigger. So

52:17this is a primary trigger. This is the

52:19first trigger.

52:21But then this becomes the secondary

52:25trigger.

52:30And this is the part that we can

52:32intercept.

52:36And I'm going to show you how.

52:51And by the way, this concept that it's

52:53this is just me. This is just who I am

52:56is not true. You is a changing concept.

53:00So the first rule is we stop over

53:03identifying with the past. We see today

53:05as a chance to draw a line in the sand.

53:08Okay.

53:12The second rule is this.

53:15When I feel this trigger,

53:18I'm gonna start, and this is one access

53:21point for calm.

53:23I'm gonna start by allowing this trigger

53:28to trigger something other than what

53:31happens here. Because we have primary

53:33trigger, secondary trigger. What if we

53:35changed the secondary trigger?

53:39What if your trigger

53:41became an immediate invitation

53:45to self-compassion?

53:49And we do that by first asking

53:51ourselves,

53:53how old is this?

53:56How long have I had to suffer this

53:58trigger?

54:01How long has this been the case for in

54:04my life?

54:05And we don't need to know where it came

54:08from exactly. We may know. We have a we

54:10may have a good sense. We may have done

54:11a load of therapy that's helped us

54:12unpack that. That's not the point of

54:14this session. But the point is just the

54:18awareness of wow something just happened

54:23and my body went into this immediate

54:26fight or flight state

54:29or freeze or thorn

54:32that something happened like I some I've

54:36been through something I've experienced

54:39things that have made me this way

54:44just that realization is useful. And

54:47people may say, "Yeah, yeah, that's

54:49obvious. Of course, something made me

54:50this way." But I mean really connect to

54:53it

54:55that you are a person who in a different

54:57time in your life had something happen

55:00that wired you up in a certain way with

55:03a certain set of beliefs with a certain

55:05set of bodily responses

55:08that has meant that as when something

55:11happened you immediately

55:14got activated.

55:18That should be an immediate trigger for

55:21sympathy, for empathy, not pity,

55:25but genuine sympathy.

55:29I the someone said, "What is

55:32self-compassion?" Self-compassion is the

55:34moment where you say, "Wow, something

55:38like almost you see yourself as a

55:40different human and you see like someone

55:43has just been incredibly triggered or

55:46activated by something

55:48and you think, "Wow, something happened.

55:52Something happened to that person."

55:55I don't know what it is, but my god,

55:57that's what a hard way to live, right?

56:01We get to do that for ourselves. God,

56:03it's hard for for me to be the person

56:08who can't even like someone doesn't text

56:11them back for a few hours and it takes

56:13them over. It makes them feel like

56:17they're going to die. It makes them feel

56:19like the world's going to end. It makes

56:20them feel like all of a sudden their

56:22entire worth gets called into question.

56:25That's so messed up. I feel for the

56:27person who feels that. That's the

56:30beginning of this, right? Is that

56:34self-compassion. Someone just asked me

56:35about ghosting.

56:37You know, I see how can we implement

56:39this when we get triggered if someone

56:40ghosts us. Think about ghosting. When

56:43someone ghosts us, all our focus goes to

56:46one of two places. It either goes to

56:49them

56:51or it goes to and and you know how like

56:54how angry we are and how hurtful that

56:57you know how awful that person is and

57:00but it also goes to all of that analysis

57:03of why this happened and what did I do

57:06wrong and how did I mess it up so badly

57:09that someone didn't even give me the

57:10decency of of get a courtesy message on

57:14the way out. what I'm and then it goes

57:17inwards. I'm worthless. I'm not good

57:20enough. I'm not even worthy of uh

57:23someone sending me a text to let me down

57:25or giving me a call. I you know what's

57:28wrong with me? Or it goes to why do I

57:30keep picking these people? I'm broken.

57:33What's so now what we have this is where

57:35self-compassion,

57:38you know, is nowhere to be seen because

57:41what we actually have is a person who

57:43has just been hurt, we have a person

57:47who's just been treated badly

57:50and instead of showing up for the person

57:52who's just been treated badly and saying

57:55that's wow, I'm like that really I'm so

57:59sorry that that happened to you.

58:02Like instead of being there for that

58:04person and acknowledging how much that

58:06hurts, we start shaming and blaming that

58:08person either for creating the ghosting

58:11or for picking the person who did the

58:12ghosting.

58:16So that

58:18we're going to talk more about this.

58:20Don't like I because I know this isn't

58:22this is easy to say, hard to do, but

58:24stay with me because I'm going to give

58:25you a very interesting example of this

58:27that happened to me in my life this

58:30week. in the last week. Um,

58:35but the key the key concept is this.

58:39What if my trigger

58:42can

58:44if trying not to say trigger too many

58:45times, but what if my trigger can be the

58:48the trigger for a different trigger,

58:51right? In the past, my trigger takes me

58:54straight to self-hatred, self-lame. It's

58:56all going to go wrong. I'm going to fail

58:59for the rest of my life. I'm always

59:01going to be alone. It takes me straight

59:02to that place. A very There's a

59:04secondary trigger there. But what if we

59:06changed the secondary trigger to

59:08something really positive?

59:11Someone treats us poorly in dating, it

59:12becomes an immediate trigger for

59:15self-compassion. Someone does or maybe

59:18they don't even treat us poorly. Let's

59:19step outside of the realm of ghosting.

59:21Someone does something

59:24that uh they didn't do anything wrong

59:27but it really activated us. This is the

59:31advanced level.

59:33We see this person. We see us

59:36through the lens of someone who's now

59:40instead of looking at us in that moment

59:41and going I'm so pathetic. What's wrong

59:44with me that that happened and it made

59:46this happen in me? It I've got such an

59:48extreme response to it. Instead, what we

59:50do is we see that we are a person who

59:54has had an outsized response to

59:58something that has happened

1:00:01and we widen our aperture. We widen the

1:00:04the holistic context in which we see

1:00:07ourselves.

1:00:09We extend the timeline and we go

1:00:13man

1:00:15this what happened with this person with

1:00:18me

1:00:20that that my body got wired up in this

1:00:22way. Isn't that sad?

1:00:25That's so sad. You know that whatever

1:00:28I've been through, it's like if it's

1:00:31easier,

1:00:34think of an animal.

1:00:37When you go to a dog shelter and there's

1:00:40a dog that when you go to pet the dog,

1:00:43it reels and it it, you know, backs into

1:00:47the corner and and squeals and is

1:00:50terrified of you. And you literally just

1:00:52went to give it a loving touch.

1:00:56Do you go, "What the [ __ ] is wrong with

1:00:57that dog?

1:00:59The [ __ ] is wrong with this dog?" Like,

1:01:01what is this dog's pathetic?

1:01:05No. Most of us would look at that dog

1:01:07and go, "Wow, what happened?"

1:01:11Like, what happened?

1:01:14This dog has been through it. I'm try

1:01:16I'm here trying to give this dog some

1:01:17love. And this dog

1:01:20instinctively recoils because they feel

1:01:23threatened.

1:01:24what happened.

1:01:28So self-compassion is is being able to

1:01:31take that and turn it inwards.

1:01:33Self-compassion has become a very uh

1:01:35overused buzzword in self-development

1:01:39therapy culture. It's lost a lot of its

1:01:42meaning and a lot of its potency, but it

1:01:45can be a highly practical

1:01:47thing once we know how.

1:01:56But we're going to go a step further

1:01:58than just recognizing that there's all

1:02:02of this self-t talk that happens as a

1:02:04secondary effect on the back of a

1:02:06trigger.

1:02:08We're going to start understanding that

1:02:10I can build a relationship

1:02:13with that part of myself that is scared.

1:02:16And this is we're going to have multiple

1:02:17tools for calm over the next three days,

1:02:19but this one's a big one.

1:02:26Every trigger

1:02:28is an opportunity

1:02:30to build an unbreakable bond with

1:02:33ourselves.

1:02:35Who here has you, you know, maybe you've

1:02:40tried selflove, maybe you haven't, maybe

1:02:42you've heard a lot about building a

1:02:44relationship with yourself, but you're

1:02:45like, "What does that even mean?" Blah,

1:02:46blah, blah. Like, how many people you

1:02:48know instinctively that you abandon

1:02:50yourself? You know instinctively that

1:02:52you treat yourself poorly or you speak

1:02:54to yourself badly or the inner voice,

1:02:56the inner critic is incredibly loud for

1:02:59you. But the concept of actually having

1:03:01any kind of a productive or positive

1:03:03relationship with yourself is it just

1:03:05feels so difficult. You're like, I'm so

1:03:09good at showing compassion to everybody

1:03:11else. I'm so bad at doing it with

1:03:12myself. I'm so great at giving other

1:03:14people grace. I'm so terrible at giving

1:03:17myself grace and leeway. How many people

1:03:19relate to that?

1:03:23So, this is this is the part where it

1:03:26gets practical.

1:03:31I want to tell you about something that

1:03:33happened for me this week. Cuz if we're

1:03:36going to get good at this, what we have

1:03:39to do, we have to learn how to talk to

1:03:41to this part of ourselves that's scared

1:03:43or reacting cuz there's a part of us

1:03:45that's like something's happened and

1:03:47that part of us is like an open wound

1:03:49that's just been touched, activated. It

1:03:52might have got angry, it might have got

1:03:54scared, it might have got anxious, it

1:03:56might have gotten depressed, it might

1:03:57have something happened, right? It had a

1:04:00reaction.

1:04:03How am I relating to that part of

1:04:05myself?

1:04:07And this is where we we develop a map of

1:04:10our mind of what's really going on for

1:04:12us in these moments. And I want to

1:04:14invite you as we talk about this to

1:04:17start to consider your own mind map,

1:04:20your the inside of your mind and how it

1:04:23operates in these moments.

1:04:27I posted something this week

1:04:32and for most of you it probably went

1:04:33over your heads. Um, but for the people

1:04:36you saw it who saw it, it got a really

1:04:40divided reaction.

1:04:44I we were in the middle of, you know, a

1:04:47week where we were posting a lot about

1:04:49this event and um talking about it and

1:04:53at one point I was like, you know, let's

1:04:56let's I just want to post something

1:04:59personal from my life today and from

1:05:02from our lives today. And it's always a

1:05:04risk when you do that. It's always scary

1:05:06to do something like that because now

1:05:08you're not talking about a project you

1:05:10have. You're not talking about an event

1:05:11you have. All of a sudden you're talking

1:05:14about yourself.

1:05:16How many people here have you know

1:05:18there's any kind of um work you do or

1:05:24you know service you provide or maybe

1:05:27you are your own service where you're

1:05:30now in the world of putting yourself out

1:05:32there online in any way. Who here has uh

1:05:35had you know has to do that in any way

1:05:38as part of their their work or by the

1:05:40way who here would like to be more

1:05:44present online as part of their work but

1:05:46holds themselves back.

1:05:49Um

1:05:52I've been doing that for 18 years and

1:05:54there are times when I've handled

1:05:56criticism well. There's times where I've

1:05:57really not handled criticism well. Um,

1:06:01and this week I had a moment where I got

1:06:04criticized and it triggered me. It it

1:06:08sent me into this little spiral.

1:06:14Um,

1:06:15and you know, I wouldn't even normally

1:06:18necessarily make I wouldn't have made

1:06:20another post talking about this. I would

1:06:23this would have just been a private

1:06:25moment to myself and you know, with me

1:06:27and my family. But because we're here

1:06:30and I I'm always conscious of being too

1:06:33indulgent with personal examples because

1:06:36it's it's not this isn't about me. But I

1:06:40think that I when I was thinking about

1:06:42do I talk about this? I thought you know

1:06:44what I think it might help some people.

1:06:45I think it might be illustrative. Um, so

1:06:50I basically I wrote a post that talked

1:06:52about I won't give you all the details

1:06:53because you go back and read it if you

1:06:55want, but I basically made a post about

1:06:58how I am so grateful to my wife Audrey

1:07:02because she overheard me talking to

1:07:04someone about how, you know, one of the

1:07:08things that's been challenging in the

1:07:09last 10 months of of being a new parent

1:07:12was my mornings having been just

1:07:14completely obliterated. And you know,

1:07:16I'm someone who enjoyed the mornings. I

1:07:18worked out. I got myself together. I got

1:07:20my minding gear for the working day.

1:07:22That used to be very sacred time to me.

1:07:24And and then it wasn't or or it still

1:07:27was, but I wasn't able to use it. Audrey

1:07:30overheard that conversation. And Audrey

1:07:32being the extraordinary person she is,

1:07:34came to me and said, "Hey, I I heard you

1:07:37talking about your mornings. I want to

1:07:39get you your mornings back. like I want

1:07:41to I want to you know I I I know that

1:07:44time is really important to you. I want

1:07:46to figure out how to get your mornings

1:07:47back into some kind of an order.

1:07:51And so I I went on to write about that.

1:07:53I used a certain phrase that f so

1:07:57firstly people were not happy with this

1:07:58or at least a significant portion of

1:08:00people were not happy with this because

1:08:02they were like what about Audrey's

1:08:03mornings? She's a new mom. you know,

1:08:05this is so typical, a selfish guy who's

1:08:08all about himself and she's thinking of

1:08:10you. When do you think about her? It was

1:08:12like a it was like immediate kind of um

1:08:17uh criticism.

1:08:20And then I used a line where I said, uh,

1:08:24and you know, my mornings are still,

1:08:26basically, I said, my mornings are still

1:08:27kind of a mess. you know, it's not like

1:08:29we I we can't just fix my mornings

1:08:32because we're both parents. And I said,

1:08:36I still need to, you know, I still want

1:08:37to get up and help with our son.

1:08:40And people heard that language and they

1:08:42went, "Help with your son." Suddenly, it

1:08:45was you're you're a parent, too. It's

1:08:48your son is your responsibility. And all

1:08:51of a sudden, it turned into a thing that

1:08:53way, too.

1:08:55So, I'm reading these comments. In fact,

1:08:57I woke up to these comments. In fact, I

1:08:59didn't wake up to these comments. Audrey

1:09:00woke me up to these comments. Audrey is

1:09:02sat right here. She woke me up and she

1:09:04was like, "Hey, that post um I it it got

1:09:09uh it got some negative comments and I

1:09:12like just want to let you know because

1:09:14and I was like, wait, what?" So, I like

1:09:17I was half asleep. I read these comments

1:09:19and immediately my body went into this

1:09:23like highly a highly triggered state.

1:09:27Um and in this triggered my initial

1:09:31trigger was there was this instinctive

1:09:34sense of fear of a kind of almost like a

1:09:38little panic

1:09:41and

1:09:42in that moment like something this is

1:09:46what we have to get used to when we get

1:09:48triggered.

1:09:50If something happens and we have this

1:09:52outsized reaction to it, something has

1:09:55been some part of us has been touched.

1:10:00It might be some a vulnerable part of

1:10:02us. It might be an incredibly fearful

1:10:05part of us,

1:10:07but it's, you know, for me, there was

1:10:10this immediate instinctive like like a

1:10:14fear,

1:10:17and I could feel my body get hijacked in

1:10:20real time.

1:10:23When I started to think about it, you

1:10:25know, which I didn't do until a little

1:10:27bit later, I thought I'm I'm, you know,

1:10:33what what was that fear? I'm really That

1:10:35was a moment of like really being scared

1:10:38of being disliked. But was it just being

1:10:40disliked because I you know, I put

1:10:42myself out there all the time and

1:10:43there's people that don't like me. So

1:10:45that's that, you know, that's not new.

1:10:47What what was it? Well, in a way, people

1:10:50were calling me a bad husband and a and

1:10:53a bad parent all in the same post. Like,

1:10:57I wasn't showing up as a parent, which I

1:10:59really, not only did I resent, but I was

1:11:02also scared. It like touched a part of

1:11:04me that I'm someone in my life who guilt

1:11:07is an easy trigger for me. Um, so it,

1:11:12you know, every moment I'm working I'm

1:11:14always like I'm not spending enough time

1:11:16with my son or I'm not like I think

1:11:18about that. So that touched a nerve of

1:11:21guilt there and I was like ah this so

1:11:23there's that feeling. There's

1:11:27well what if and then and then on top of

1:11:30it it was and people would say there

1:11:32were literally comments from people

1:11:33saying what an emotionally unintelligent

1:11:36post from someone who professes to be a

1:11:38relationship expert.

1:11:41So now in my head I'm a fraud.

1:11:46Like people was what do you like? It's

1:11:48almost like whatever the most the the

1:11:51some really challenging moments are when

1:11:53people literally say a line that your

1:11:56inner critic that I I think of it as

1:11:59like a universal inner critic. Um Phil

1:12:03Stuts and and uh Barry Michaels would

1:12:05call it part X. There's different names

1:12:08for it, but if you just think about it

1:12:09as like the the the negative voice in

1:12:11our head that's just like telling us

1:12:14negative [ __ ] all the time,

1:12:17this is like was a chorus of people

1:12:20saying the things that the negative

1:12:23voice in my head would say on my worst

1:12:26day when it was trying to trip me up. So

1:12:28now I'm a fraud. Now I don't I'm not

1:12:30even good at my job. I couldn't I've

1:12:32spent the last 18 years of my life

1:12:34standing up for women and and being

1:12:36someone who's been on the side of women

1:12:38and I like now I'm this is internalized

1:12:42misogyny from me that I use the word

1:12:44help and but and now but of course I'm

1:12:47trying to also now protect myself in

1:12:48that. So now I'm getting angry right and

1:12:51I'm like these people don't [ __ ] know

1:12:52me. What are you talk? They like what?

1:12:54They they have no idea what they're

1:12:56talking. They have no idea how and I'm

1:12:57going into all of these debates in my

1:13:00mind about how wrong people are. And

1:13:05that gets me into what all of us get

1:13:08into when, you know, we're someone makes

1:13:10us feel shame or someone makes us feel

1:13:12scared. we we get into this like

1:13:15internal tribunal where we put ourselves

1:13:19on the stand and we're like battling it

1:13:21out within ourselves and I'm

1:13:24simultaneously terrified that what if

1:13:27someone said something that's true? What

1:13:28if I am a bad husband? What if I am a

1:13:30bad dad? What if I am a fraud? What if I

1:13:32don't know what I'm doing? What if I am

1:13:33emotionally intelligent? What if I am a

1:13:35deep down just a giant misogynist? What

1:13:37if like what if all these things are

1:13:39true?

1:13:41And then on the other side of it is [ __ ]

1:13:44everybody.

1:13:45Like I don't want to do if if people are

1:13:47going to turn on me that quickly after

1:13:49how like the years and years I've done

1:13:51this then screw it. I don't want to do

1:13:53this anymore. So then it goes to a very

1:13:54protective place. So you see these

1:13:58swings

1:13:59that can take you to some really

1:14:02unproductive places.

1:14:05I have I have my own coaching like I'm

1:14:09I'm not you know I I'm someone who

1:14:13regularly does coaching in my life. I

1:14:14have people that I trust, people who I

1:14:18respect, who I always have there to help

1:14:21me see any blind spots I have. And I

1:14:24happened to have a coaching session that

1:14:26weekend booked.

1:14:28And I sat in this coaching session and I

1:14:31said, "All right, this is what I want to

1:14:33work on cuz this happened this week and

1:14:37man, the timing is crazy because I'm

1:14:39doing this event on the calm method next

1:14:42week." And that morning I was not calm

1:14:46and I need to I I want to figure out

1:14:48what that was. like I got triggered and

1:14:51I went into a little spiral and I want

1:14:54to understand like what what's going on

1:14:56with me in that moment. And so we did an

1:15:00exercise and I I said, you know what, a

1:15:04part of me got touched. I want to meet

1:15:07that part of me and find out what's

1:15:08going on.

1:15:11And

1:15:14that part of me

1:15:16that was terrified of that rejection and

1:15:20it going, you know, like the, you know,

1:15:23all of all of these things. And by the

1:15:25way, was most the more I connected with

1:15:28that part of me, the more I realized

1:15:30what this part of me is most scared of

1:15:32is that they're going to be abandoned.

1:15:35Like that deep down, like the deepest

1:15:37fear is I'm bad. I'm bad.

1:15:42That like I'm Look, there it is. I'm

1:15:44bad. I'm a bad it's there. It is. It's

1:15:46decided I'm a bad person. That's where

1:15:49my That's what that part of me was

1:15:52deeply afraid of.

1:15:54And I

1:15:57I did part an exercise that's rooted by

1:16:00the way in different disciplines whether

1:16:02it's you know you could talk about it as

1:16:04being from Carl Jung you could talk

1:16:05about it as being from parts work IFS

1:16:07you could talk about it being from the

1:16:08tools there's all different disciplines

1:16:10that utilize this work in one way or

1:16:12another but what I did was I asked that

1:16:14part of me what what do you need like

1:16:17what I'm I'm here now what do you need

1:16:21and it said something really interesting

1:16:23to me. Uh it this is what it said.

1:16:29I and see if by the way maybe some part

1:16:32of you will relate to this.

1:16:36It said to me

1:16:39every day of every week of every year

1:16:43you

1:16:45drive me to create things like you

1:16:49expect me to make vlogs, you know,

1:16:51YouTube videos every week. You expect me

1:16:54to put out interesting and creative

1:16:56social media posts. You expect me to go

1:16:58and deliver speeches. You expect me to

1:17:01be in front of uh uh thousands of people

1:17:04in these live events. And every week you

1:17:08ex you demand so much of me. You demand

1:17:11me to keep being inspired in my approach

1:17:14and keep being creative and do more and

1:17:16do more and do more and do more and do

1:17:17more. And then the one time

1:17:22I say something, or not even the one

1:17:23time, just as soon as anything I produce

1:17:28doesn't get a perfect reaction,

1:17:31you [ __ ] turn on me.

1:17:34You immediately side with everybody

1:17:36else.

1:17:39What I want from you is to to to

1:17:42stick up for me, to side with me. like

1:17:46why I at the very least give me a

1:17:49generous interpretation

1:17:52of what I was trying to do but instead

1:17:57you didn't get the exact result you

1:17:59wanted from my work

1:18:02and people some people applied a really

1:18:05ungenerous interpretation of what you

1:18:07were saying and you immediately [ __ ]

1:18:10sided with them.

1:18:14What the [ __ ]

1:18:17Like, I'm tired. I'm tired of of of

1:18:20that. I'm tired of you not giving me a

1:18:23generous interpretation.

1:18:25Like, can you next time? And I So I So I

1:18:27asked I said, "Next time, what what can

1:18:29I do differently?" Like, I'm so sorry.

1:18:32You're right. You're right. I should

1:18:34have come I should have turned my back

1:18:37to all of that. Whether people were

1:18:39right or wrong is irrelevant.

1:18:41Whether they were right or wrong is not

1:18:42the point.

1:18:44I should have turned my back to those

1:18:46people in that moment and faced you and

1:18:49been there for you.

1:18:52And

1:18:56I said,

1:18:58"What what do you want me to do

1:19:01differently next time?" And he said,

1:19:02"Next time, just be with me in that

1:19:05moment. like just can you can you turn

1:19:07and face me and stand by my side

1:19:12and celebrate me in that moment

1:19:15and apply a generous lens to me. Here's

1:19:18the crazy part about this guys.

1:19:22Um, on Sunday I had a new video come out

1:19:27and it was a video about uh, it was a

1:19:31flirt. It was a video about flirting.

1:19:34And I, by the way, when I made this

1:19:36video, I didn't think it was that deep.

1:19:39I was like taking movie clips and

1:19:41putting them together and like pointing

1:19:43out what was interesting about these

1:19:44scenes from the point of view of

1:19:46flirting.

1:19:47But days after I put out this post that

1:19:50got some bad responses, this video got

1:19:54some mixed reviews, right? More than I'm

1:19:57used to. And it there was some negative

1:20:00comments. Like some people were like,

1:20:01"Uh, it's just a movie. For God's sakes,

1:20:04why are we taking our life lessons from

1:20:06movies?" There were people who said like

1:20:08there was just like there were people

1:20:09who were just telling me the point I was

1:20:10making was wrong. Whatever. There were

1:20:12just negative comments. Not all, but

1:20:14like enough.

1:20:16And it's funny because I don't normally

1:20:20do videos like that. That was a

1:20:21different video. It was a different kind

1:20:23of style of video. It was like a new

1:20:25thing. I was like, let's

1:20:28So, we put it out and it got like some

1:20:30different interesting divided reactions.

1:20:33And I felt for a moment that little

1:20:35feeling come up of

1:20:39like I I felt that hint of I was about

1:20:43to turn to that part of me

1:20:46and

1:20:47feel like almost angry at like why

1:20:50didn't we see that this wasn't going to

1:20:53go down well? Why didn't we see that

1:20:54this wasn't going to work or why didn't

1:20:56we and it instead

1:21:00I remembered that training. I remembered

1:21:03that new uh the trigger becomes a

1:21:05trigger for a new trigger. I need to

1:21:06find a better way of saying that

1:21:09that the trigger became an invitation

1:21:12to have my own back

1:21:15because I got I felt that little like

1:21:18negativity from other people and I felt

1:21:21almost like I was about to turn and

1:21:23start directing it towards myself. And I

1:21:26remembered,

1:21:28oh yeah, like this po this part of me

1:21:32does so much for me every single week.

1:21:35And in this moment, this part of me had

1:21:38tried to do something new with a video

1:21:40to take a risk to see if it could work.

1:21:43So then I turned I literally imagined

1:21:45turning to that part of me and I went,

1:21:47"Hey, thanks for trying something new.

1:21:52I I really appreciate it." Like, "Thank

1:21:54you for trying. We like some people

1:21:56might have liked it, some people didn't

1:21:57like it, whatever. I really appreciate

1:21:59you tried something new there. That was

1:22:01cool. I appreciate you trying something

1:22:03new. I appreciate you being bold.

1:22:07That's now all of a sudden I've got my

1:22:10back.

1:22:12And it doesn't matter what the chorus is

1:22:14saying on the outside. I'm not that I'm

1:22:17not externally validated because I I'm

1:22:20giving me what I need in that moment.

1:22:23I'm giving me what I need in that

1:22:24moment.

1:22:27And it's that when I give myself what I

1:22:32need, when I'm able to show up for

1:22:35myself, when I'm able to give myself

1:22:37what I wish the world was giving me, and

1:22:41the same is true for you in dating. when

1:22:42you're able on some level to provide

1:22:45yourself with something you're looking

1:22:47for from the outside or at least if you

1:22:50can't provide you can't provide yourself

1:22:52with a romantic relationship but you can

1:22:54certainly show yourself that you'll

1:22:56never disown yourself you can certainly

1:22:58you can't you can't you know make

1:23:01someone else accept you but you can

1:23:03certainly show yourself that I'm I'll

1:23:06never join other people in rejecting you

1:23:10right And it's funny, my my coach went

1:23:14as far went as far as to say that day.

1:23:16She was like, you know what the what's

1:23:19you know there's there's a uh like I

1:23:22want this part of you to feel like he

1:23:25can be more bold cuz you've got his

1:23:26[ __ ] back. I want him to feel like he

1:23:29can be more creative cuz you're standing

1:23:31beside him. Not you're going to join

1:23:34everybody else the moments people turn

1:23:36on him. Like that you're worried about

1:23:38having your pants pulled down. pull your

1:23:40own pants down.

1:23:42Be seen as a misogynist. What? That's

1:23:44the That's the big fear is you're going

1:23:46to be seen as a misogynist. [ __ ] it. Be

1:23:48seen as a misogynist. Like she was

1:23:50joking but not joking at the same time

1:23:53and saying what can you what's that fear

1:23:56that you can actually turn around and

1:23:58confront in that way.

1:24:01So, I want to I want to give you a

1:24:04little way to take this and apply it to

1:24:06yourself,

1:24:09which is I want you to think about a

1:24:12time this week where you were triggered,

1:24:15where you lost all sense of calm.

1:24:19And I want you to immediately see that

1:24:21as a moment

1:24:24that you get to engage with yourself

1:24:26differently where you get to notice that

1:24:29something happened. Some part of you was

1:24:32touched. Some scared or inadequate or uh

1:24:37uh anxious part of you was touched.

1:24:40Maybe afraid to be found out

1:24:45or afraid to be abandoned.

1:24:48And I want you to turn to that part of

1:24:51you and actually ask like what's

1:24:54hey what are you afraid

1:24:56is going to happen like let's take an

1:24:58example someone is

1:25:01you know there was a lot of examples

1:25:03when I looked in inside the love life

1:25:04app where we're going to be doing the

1:25:06Q&A there were a lot of examples from

1:25:08people saying you know when people are

1:25:12confusing me with their signals I go

1:25:15into this like

1:25:17you obsessive analysis of whether they

1:25:19like me or not and rereading messages

1:25:22and trying to, you know, like trying to

1:25:24like figure out what's happening. And

1:25:28all of it is this desire for certainty

1:25:30on the outside. But we can turn to that

1:25:33part of us that's scared and say, "What

1:25:37is it you're afraid is going to happen?"

1:25:40And it might be, "I'm afraid that this

1:25:43person's

1:25:45like not going to like us after all." Or

1:25:47maybe they already don't. Or maybe

1:25:48they've lost interest and they're going

1:25:50to hurt us. They're going to eventually

1:25:52reject us.

1:25:55And you can say, "Well, what are you

1:25:57afraid

1:26:01will happen as a result of that?" Like,

1:26:04"Well, maybe we'll be alone forever."

1:26:07Or you might say, "What are you afraid

1:26:08this means about us? If this person does

1:26:13eventually fade or doesn't like you,

1:26:15what are you afraid this means about us?

1:26:18Well, I'm I'm afraid that

1:26:21it just means we're fundamentally

1:26:24unlovable.

1:26:29That's hard. That must be really hard.

1:26:33What are you afraid I'm going to do to

1:26:35you if this goes badly?

1:26:38Well, I'm afraid that you're going to

1:26:39reject me, too. I'm afraid that you're

1:26:41going to think I'm not good enough.

1:26:44I'm afraid that you're going to you're

1:26:46going to join them in telling me how

1:26:47unattractive I am.

1:26:51You know, in the same way for me last

1:26:52week, I'm afraid what are you afraid of?

1:26:55I'm afraid that you're going to join me

1:26:56in that you're going to join everyone

1:26:59out there who's criticizing us and

1:27:00telling us we are these things and

1:27:02you're going to start telling us we are

1:27:03those things. That you're going to

1:27:05believe them and you're just going to

1:27:06decide that about us.

1:27:09H

1:27:14What do you need from me?

1:27:17What do you need from me?

1:27:22I need you to make this person text us

1:27:24back.

1:27:27Okay, I can't do that. I need you to

1:27:30make this person love us. Okay, I can't

1:27:33do that.

1:27:36I need you to show me that you're not

1:27:38going to abandon me along with everybody

1:27:42else.

1:27:44I can do that.

1:27:46I need you to show me that you don't

1:27:48agree with everyone that I'm just deeply

1:27:52unattractive or unlovable.

1:27:56Okay. Well, I don't think you're

1:27:57unlovable.

1:27:58In fact, I I here are all the reasons I

1:28:01think you're very lovable.

1:28:06And I'm not going anywhere.

1:28:10I'm not going anywhere. I can't promise

1:28:13you that you're going to find the love

1:28:16you want today, tomorrow, next week, or

1:28:196 months from now. I can promise you

1:28:23that I'm not going anywhere. And I can

1:28:25promise you

1:28:27that I'm not going to join everyone else

1:28:29in rejecting you. And I can promise you

1:28:31when somebody else treats you poorly,

1:28:33I'm not going to join them in treating

1:28:35you poorly.

1:28:37And I can also promise you I'm not going

1:28:39to let you go down the easy path of just

1:28:42playing it safe forever from now on

1:28:44because you're afraid. Cuz I owe you

1:28:46more than that.

1:28:49I owe you more than that.

1:28:52So what we're doing here is we're

1:28:54developing a dialogue with ourselves.

1:28:57For how many people be honest, is this

1:29:00kind of dialogue

1:29:02just alien? Be real. Like how for how

1:29:08many people is like the if you're really

1:29:11honest, this kind of like way of turning

1:29:14to yourself, this dialogue with yourself

1:29:16is is alien. It is a new concept.

1:29:29By the way, Zena says, "What if we don't

1:29:31believe this positive talk? I haven't

1:29:33said anything unbelievable."

1:29:36When this part of you asks you to to

1:29:38believe something that's unbelievable,

1:29:41you you don't have to you you're not

1:29:44giving false hope.

1:29:47And if what you mean by that is I don't

1:29:49find anything about myself lovable right

1:29:52now, that's the work. That's the

1:29:54relationship we need to start building.

1:29:59So

1:30:03this is what I want day. This is just

1:30:06day one, right? We got three days and

1:30:09shortly we'll move to some Q&A.

1:30:12But

1:30:17I want us all today to come alive to the

1:30:20idea that there is this living

1:30:23relationship

1:30:25that we have with ourselves.

1:30:27Most of us take these parts of ourselves

1:30:29we're afraid of and we bury them. Right?

1:30:32I'm terrified of these parts of me. I'm

1:30:35terrified of them being exposed. I'm

1:30:37terrified of being seen as that.

1:30:42But what we're going to do differently

1:30:43is we're going to invite them to the

1:30:45table. And we're going to start

1:30:47beginning a gentle and compassionate

1:30:49dialogue with these parts of ourselves.

1:30:53And I promise you, it's going to change

1:30:54the game. This isn't the only tool.

1:30:56We're going to have other tools. But

1:30:58once you can do this alone, it is a

1:31:01superpower.

1:31:02Because for me, I I can tell you right

1:31:05now that that tool of this happened, I

1:31:10learned how to talk to that part of

1:31:11myself. I found out what that part of

1:31:13myself needed and I all of a sudden had

1:31:16was able to develop a very compassionate

1:31:18lens towards that part of myself. You're

1:31:20right. I do I I I do put you through

1:31:24your paces every day. I demand so much

1:31:26of you. I I am so uh you know every day

1:31:31I give you new assignments and I give

1:31:33you new things you have to do and I

1:31:34don't even give you a choice in the

1:31:35matter and I work you to the bone and

1:31:37then as soon as anything goes wrong I

1:31:39turn on you. How [ __ ] dare I? How

1:31:43[ __ ] dare I?

1:31:46Right. So, it's that was an immediate

1:31:50level up for me. And it was so cool to

1:31:52have a video come out and then see some

1:31:54negativity and immediately for it to be

1:31:56not a trigger for self-hatred, but an

1:31:58immediate trigger for putting an arm

1:32:00around myself and being like, "You tried

1:32:02something. That was cool. That was cool.

1:32:04I appreciate you trying something new."

1:32:07Right? That's an immediate level up.

1:32:10This is so powerful once you're actually

1:32:12doing it for your situation.

1:32:15And what happens is you can like feel

1:32:18yourself starting to get triggered and

1:32:19immediately you have a you have a way of

1:32:22of diverting it or you have a way of

1:32:25recovering really. Even if you lose it

1:32:27and you get triggered, you have a way of

1:32:29your recovery time shortens

1:32:31dramatically. It's not 5 hours, it's 5

1:32:34minutes. It's not 5 minutes, it's 5

1:32:36seconds.

1:32:39So,

1:32:43I want to just do something with you

1:32:45real quick before we um go. And by the

1:32:49way, we have for those of you who are

1:32:52coming in through, you know, during in

1:32:54the middle of this, we have an entire

1:32:56community that we're doing this with

1:32:58this week. This isn't just happening on

1:33:00YouTube. We have our love life app where

1:33:04everyone who's doing the car method gets

1:33:06to go and join inside that app in a

1:33:09space we've created specifically for the

1:33:11car method completely free as an

1:33:14addition to this. And we're going to be

1:33:16doing Q&A at the end of each session. So

1:33:19once we're done here, I have one little

1:33:20exercise I want to do with you before we

1:33:22finish here today. And tomorrow, by the

1:33:24way, I'm going to show you a practical

1:33:26implementation of this stuff that's

1:33:29going to have like you're going to have

1:33:30it at your fingertips. And I'm also

1:33:31going to give you a tool that I use

1:33:34every single day of my life without

1:33:36fail. I've been teaching this on

1:33:38retreats for god 18 years, for as long

1:33:41as I've been doing retreats. It's

1:33:42evolved and adapted and become better

1:33:44and better over time, but it's something

1:33:46I use every single day. I couldn't live

1:33:50without this tool. So, tomorrow I'm

1:33:52going to be giving you that. Um, but

1:33:55we're going to finish today with a

1:33:56little exercise and then we're going to

1:33:58go to a Q&A. Um,

1:34:02for this part of it, and if by the way,

1:34:04if you're not in the community, there's

1:34:06a there should be a QR code that you can

1:34:08see on your screen. If you scan that QR

1:34:10code, it will take you through to that

1:34:12community so that you can join us in the

1:34:14conversation that's happening. There's a

1:34:16live chat in there. You can post, you

1:34:18can talk to each other, share what is

1:34:21making you vulnerable right now. Share

1:34:23what how you're approaching this right

1:34:24now. Um, but let's just let's just

1:34:28finish with a little exercise before we

1:34:29go to that Q&A. This you don't need your

1:34:31pens for.

1:34:33You can close your eyes for this. Um,

1:34:39as long as you're not driving, of

1:34:40course. Um, but we'll just close our

1:34:43eyes. This will take no more than a

1:34:45couple of minutes, but let's just finish

1:34:48with a framing that I think is going to

1:34:50be helpful to us all as we continue on

1:34:53this little journey together.

1:34:56I'm going to count down and when I get

1:34:58to zero, I want you to close your eyes.

1:35:025

1:35:044

1:35:063

1:35:082

1:35:11one

1:35:13and close your eyes.

1:35:31Let's start by acknowledging that

1:35:36these

1:35:38parts of us that we're afraid of, you

1:35:40know, the part of us that feels like

1:35:43when someone doesn't text us back,

1:35:46they've seen that we're not good enough

1:35:48or they're going to reject us. The part

1:35:50of us that feels scared and weak in the

1:35:53face of someone toxic

1:35:56or someone who's hurt us in the past.

1:36:00The part of us that gets anxious in our

1:36:04love lives or in a relationship.

1:36:06We get so terrified that these parts of

1:36:09us are

1:36:11just who we are. And that leads to that

1:36:13catastrophic thinking. This is just who

1:36:15I am. There's no escaping me.

1:36:20But a calming thought is just realizing

1:36:22that this is a part of you.

1:36:25It's not all of you

1:36:29because we're not one thing. We're also

1:36:32the other moments where we handle things

1:36:33well. We're also the other moments where

1:36:35we're

1:36:37quick thinking or competent or bold,

1:36:43where we don't feel anxious, where we

1:36:45feel peaceful.

1:36:49We're not one thing.

1:36:54So any of these negative feelings we

1:36:57have, they don't have to define us.

1:37:02In fact, what we can do is rather than

1:37:04running away from these parts of

1:37:05ourselves, we can put an arm around

1:37:07these parts of ourselves and say, "Look,

1:37:09I get it. You're a part of me.

1:37:13You're a part of me. I'm not going to

1:37:15shy away from you.

1:37:17you're there.

1:37:20I'm not going to reject you cuz I know

1:37:23your biggest fear is that you'll be

1:37:24rejected for being this way. That you'll

1:37:26be rejected for being

1:37:29anxious, scared,

1:37:31depressed.

1:37:37I'm not going to reject you for that.

1:37:43I'm responsible for you, so I'm not

1:37:45going anywhere.

1:37:52The truth is that especially in our love

1:37:54lives, there's always going to be a

1:37:56degree of uncertainty.

1:37:59We all in life exist in this condition

1:38:02of radical uncertainty

1:38:05inside a relationship. We don't have

1:38:07certainty. We don't know what's going to

1:38:09happen. We can't guarantee our partner

1:38:10won't fall out of love with us or leave

1:38:12us. We can't guarantee that we won't get

1:38:14sick or our partner won't get sick.

1:38:18We can't guarantee how long our own life

1:38:20is. We certainly can't guarantee what's

1:38:22going to happen in our relationships.

1:38:25And if we're dating, if we're brave

1:38:27enough to go out there and date, we

1:38:29exist in a radical state of uncertainty,

1:38:32not knowing if someone will like us as

1:38:33much as we like them, or whether they're

1:38:35going to communicate in ways that we

1:38:37need, or whether they're suddenly going

1:38:38to go back to an ex.

1:38:43And we have two choices with that. We

1:38:44can either avoid uncertainty altogether,

1:38:46or we can train ourselves to tolerate

1:38:49higher degrees of uncertainty.

1:38:55And part of that is recognizing

1:38:58that none of this stuff we're feeling is

1:39:01special.

1:39:07This feeling is so old. It doesn't even

1:39:10belong to us. It belongs to every human

1:39:12being who's ever lived.

1:39:18The feeling of uncertainty in

1:39:19relationships isn't ours. It's part and

1:39:22parcel of living.

1:39:28And when someone comes along and makes

1:39:30us anxious because they haven't given us

1:39:33quite the treatment we want or they're

1:39:35not showing us as much certainty as we

1:39:37would like or their signals are becoming

1:39:41mixed.

1:39:43In that moment,

1:39:45we feel triggered. We feel scared. We

1:39:47feel anxious. I can't eat. I can't

1:39:49sleep. I can't Oh my god. God, I can't

1:39:51get through the day. I want you to tell

1:39:53yourself, "This situation isn't

1:39:55special."

1:39:59In in this respect, this person isn't

1:40:01even special. I can feel just as anxious

1:40:04about somebody else.

1:40:06I have felt just as anxious about

1:40:09somebody else. Maybe many people in my

1:40:11past. If this is a pattern in my life,

1:40:16if this is something I'm scared never

1:40:18goes away, then I at least have one

1:40:20calming thought,

1:40:22which is that the situation that's

1:40:24producing this feeling is not special.

1:40:29It is not that important.

1:40:35I want you to imagine looking at that

1:40:37person or that thing that is making you

1:40:39feel nervous, anxious, triggered in

1:40:42whatever way,

1:40:45guilty,

1:40:48down on yourself, inadequate,

1:40:51questioning your worth.

1:40:54And I want you to look at this situation

1:40:55or this person

1:40:58and say,

1:41:00"You're not special.

1:41:03I've felt this [ __ ] many times.

1:41:08In fact, this only matters to the extent

1:41:11that you are an opportunity

1:41:13for me to practice this work. This work

1:41:16I came here to do.

1:41:21This work that will expand me every time

1:41:25I get to practice it.

1:41:29That's what's exciting.

1:41:32It gets really exciting when we get to a

1:41:34place where

1:41:38when we get triggered, we can actually

1:41:39get excited

1:41:41because our trigger becomes an

1:41:44invitation,

1:41:45an invitation into a deeper relationship

1:41:47with ourselves, an invitation into an

1:41:51expanded version of ourselves. That

1:41:54alone changes the emotional frequency of

1:41:57the things that trigger us.

1:42:04The next time you get triggered this

1:42:06week, I want you to go ah practice

1:42:12and remind yourself this situation, this

1:42:14person, this scenario I'm in is not

1:42:18special.

1:42:21This is not special, but it is an

1:42:23opportunity. This is exactly what I came

1:42:26here for. I get to do the work. This

1:42:29resistance is what's going to allow me

1:42:31to build this muscle. And that muscle

1:42:33I'm building is the relationship I'm

1:42:35building with myself. There is nothing

1:42:37more important to me in this life right

1:42:39now than building that relationship with

1:42:40myself.

1:42:43There is nothing more important cuz if I

1:42:46build that relationship, the world, this

1:42:48world, this this external authority, the

1:42:52the opinions of other people, it has

1:42:54none of the same power over me.

1:42:58Can I still piss people off? Sure. Can I

1:43:00still turn people off? Sure. Can I still

1:43:02make mistakes? Sure. Can I say the wrong

1:43:05thing? Can I do the wrong thing? Sure.

1:43:07Can I be unattractive? Sure.

1:43:11But I've got my own back.

1:43:16And I don't abandon myself. I just get

1:43:18better. I get better with my arm around

1:43:21myself. And that changes everything.

1:43:25So with that, I want you to count down

1:43:28from five. When you get to zero,

1:43:32open your eyes.

1:43:355

1:43:374

1:43:393

1:43:422

1:43:441. Open your eyes.

1:43:49This is just day one, my friends. It's

1:43:52just day one.

1:43:55We are going to go over to the community

1:43:58and I'm going to answer some questions.

1:43:59We'll do some live coaching. It's really

1:44:02special that we get to do this together.

1:44:06And um I'm really grateful that you're

1:44:08here with me. I know you could be many

1:44:10places right now. I know that there are

1:44:12many other things you could be doing. I

1:44:14know that presence and focus is the

1:44:16hardest thing in the world to ask people

1:44:17for today. But I'm with you. And as long

1:44:22as you keep showing up, I'm not going

1:44:24anywhere either. So, let's continue this

1:44:27journey. Come with me now to the app on

1:44:30the screen, there should be a QR code

1:44:33where you can come and join me in there.

1:44:36Um, and don't worry, by the way, if any

1:44:38of this is confusing and if you're like,

1:44:40how do I apply this? That's why we're

1:44:41here. It's not a, you know, this is a

1:44:44this is a practice. We're going to get

1:44:46better at it. ju you're just by being

1:44:48here and hearing this language and

1:44:50understanding that there's different

1:44:52ways of approaching this. I promise you

1:44:54that alone is expanding you that alone

1:44:57is opening up new pathways.

1:44:59Um we're going to have a great little

1:45:02Q&A inside the app right now. Go to the

1:45:05app now and I'll join you in there. Um

1:45:09team, is there anything else you need

1:45:11from me before we close out here?

1:45:14Okay, we're ready.

1:45:18Um, Little Big Nits, Kimberly, um,

1:45:23Dorothy,

1:45:25Suzanne, Sarah, all of you who are here

1:45:27right now. Thank you. Um, I I massively

1:45:31appreciate all the love you're giving me

1:45:32in the comments. Um,

1:45:36this is great that we get to do this

1:45:38together. So, we'll join you now in the

1:45:40app. You ready, guys?

1:45:43>> Yeah, we're ready.

1:45:44>> Yeah. Okay. All right. We're going to

1:45:46close out here, but we continue now for

1:45:48a little bit longer inside the app. Even

1:45:50if you want to come and just listen to a

1:45:52question, come listen to a question.

1:45:54This is where the rubber meets the road

1:45:56and we get to actually practice this

1:45:57stuff. So, come join me in there now and

1:45:59I will see you in just well 60 seconds

1:46:02or so. All right, I'll see you there.

1:46:05Thank you everyone. And by the way, just

1:46:07so you know, the the next live content

1:46:11session tomorrow will happen at the same

1:46:14time as today. And the same will be true

1:46:16on Thursday. We've got three days

1:46:18running. Stay for this whole thing. It

1:46:21it's going to be an incomplete process

1:46:23if you leave at the end of day one. I

1:46:25know you've still got questions. That's

1:46:26the whole point. So, keep joining us.

1:46:29Don't don't throw in the towel on day

1:46:30one. I promise you, you're on a path now

1:46:32that's going to help you. Um, very good.

1:46:36>> Asking about the app. If you just go to

1:46:38the QR code.

1:46:39>> Uh, yeah. For anyone asking about the

1:46:41app, just go to the QR code. Take your

1:46:43phone and scan the QR code that's on the

1:46:45screen right now and it will take you

1:46:47through to the app where we're going to

1:46:48go and do that Q&A. Okay? And we're

1:46:50going to start that any minute. Uh, yes.

1:46:53And, uh, anyone who's asking, by the

1:46:55way, this is free. Uh, there's no cost

1:46:58to getting inside the app. We've created

1:47:00this space just as a as a complement to

1:47:02this work that we're doing. So, um we

1:47:05wanted this to be available to

1:47:06everybody. Come join us for this. Um it

1:47:09ain't happening again next week, so make

1:47:11the most of it this week. All right.

1:47:13I'll see you shortly.

1:48:09Heat. Heat.

1:48:16Heat. Heat.

1:49:03Heat.

1:49:26Heat.

1:49:45Heat. Heat.

1:50:07Heat. Heat.

1:50:39Heat. Heat.

1:51:02Heat. Heat. N.

1:51:34Heat. Heat.

1:51:44Heat.

1:51:57Heat.

1:52:22Heat. Heat.

1:52:43Heat.

1:52:46Heat.