Your Anxious Secrets Are Pushing Your Avoidant Away

0:00Can you trust an anxious person? Are

0:03their love confessions even real? Do

0:05they mean the things they say? I used to

0:08be anxiously attached myself. I also

0:11talk to countless anxiously attached

0:13coaching clients every day. And in this

0:16video, I'm going to spill all our

0:18secrets, including the secrets we're

0:21keeping from ourselves. If you're an

0:23avoidant watching this, know that you're

0:26right to be suspicious. Anxious people

0:29are hiding things from you. What's more,

0:32the things they choose to hide will

0:35actually make all your worst fears come

0:38true in the long run. My husband used to

0:40be an avoidant. I also talked to a lot

0:43of avoidance in coaching calls, too, so

0:46I know what your guys' worst case

0:48scenario is. That you're afraid of

0:52getting blindsided, betrayed, or even

0:54backstabbed. The things that anxious

0:57people choose to keep to themselves will

1:00create this very experience for you.

1:03Anxious avoidant trap works both ways.

1:06It doesn't just hurt the anxious people.

1:08It hurts avoidance, too. So, if you want

1:12to not get burnt and not get let down

1:15this way again, you'll really want to

1:18listen to what I have to say here.

1:20Understanding this can protect you from

1:23major heartbreak. And if you're an

1:26anxious person who clicked on this

1:29outrageous thumbnail and title and you

1:32feel like that's not true, I'm not

1:34hiding anything, buckle up because you

1:37are. And even though you might not

1:39realize it, in hiding these things from

1:42your avoidant partner and from yourself,

1:44you're actually robbing them of a chance

1:47of doing something about it. you're

1:49robbing them of a chance of giving you

1:52what you want in your relationship. So,

1:56you'll want to listen to this, too.

2:01Hi guys, I'm Karolina and together with

2:05my formerly avoidant husband, we run

2:07this YouTube channel where we talk about

2:09attachment styles and breakups. We used

2:11to be stuck deep in the anxious avoidant

2:14trap. He was the avoidant. I was the

2:16anxious partner. He was pulling away. I

2:19was chasing. We kept on breaking up and

2:22getting back together over and over

2:24again. And that happened until I

2:28discovered the very first thing that

2:31anxious people are hiding from

2:32avoidance, which is their boundaries.

2:36That's right. Anxious people are blind

2:39to boundaries in general. I know, right?

2:43Crazy. It was mind-blowing for me to

2:45realize this at the time, but if you're

2:48an avoidant listening to this and you

2:50hear anxious people are blind to

2:52boundaries, you're probably like,

2:53"What?" And if you're an anxious person

2:56listening to this, you're probably

2:58realizing, okay, there is a kernel of

3:01truth here. So, the thing about anxious

3:04people is that we want to be endlessly

3:07giving. It's how we've been conditioned

3:10often in childhood by being given too

3:13much responsibility or by being punished

3:15for having boundaries. So, we have this

3:19blind spot. And a lot of anxious people

3:22even think that having boundaries is

3:24bad, that you're not supposed to have

3:27any limits, that love should just be

3:29endless and unconditional, and that when

3:32you have limits, when you have

3:34conditions, that that's a bad thing. So,

3:36the thing about this problem is that

3:39anxious people because they're blind to

3:41boundaries, they don't realize it when

3:44you're overriding them. And and that's

3:46also why they overwrite avoidance

3:48boundaries. It's a blind spot. It's a

3:51conditioning. They overwrite your

3:53boundaries. They override their own

3:54boundaries. It's a bit of an equivalent

3:56to avoidant deactivation actually. Much

3:59like avoidance have this urge to pull

4:02away whenever things get uncomfortable.

4:04The same way when things get

4:06uncomfortable for an anxious person, our

4:08urge is to like push harder to to try

4:11harder to uh be more giving or to be

4:15more pushy. We don't realize it and we

4:18don't realize what it's doing to you and

4:20we also don't realize what you might be

4:22doing to us. And the reason why it's so

4:25dangerous is because everybody has

4:28limits. Everybody has boundaries. And

4:30I'm sure you know this. What happens

4:32when someone continues overriding your

4:34boundaries is a wall of resentment that

4:38starts building and it's no different

4:42for anxious people and avoidance do

4:44override anxious people's boundaries

4:46too. To you, it might feel like a little

4:49push or like you can get away with it or

4:52or you're kind of used to it that every

4:54time you ignore them, every time you're

4:56not there for them when they need you or

4:59every time you're dismissive that like

5:02they're still loving, they're still

5:04caring, they forgive you. So, you're

5:07kept in this false sense of security in

5:10a way. when in reality, every time you

5:14do something that hurts an anxious

5:16partner, it causes their resentment to

5:18grow. It's just that they don't see it.

5:22They don't see it themselves and then

5:24they don't show it to you. But there is

5:27this invisible wall that starts forming.

5:30And this brings me to the second thing

5:33anxious people are hiding from

5:35avoidance, which is that anxious people

5:39are afraid of confrontation. They're

5:41people pleasers. They're always going to

5:44put on a happy face and tone things down

5:48to not hurt your feelings. This puppy

5:50eyed laughbombing thing that they resort

5:54to after you've hurt them is their way

5:57to try to get you to be a bit more like

6:00them, try to get you to be a bit more

6:02loving. That's literally the only

6:05method, the only uh tool they have to

6:09try to show you, hey, something's not

6:12right. And and in general, anxious

6:15people have a hard time standing their

6:16ground. They get shot down very easily.

6:19If you're dismissive, if you're um

6:23harsh, or if you accuse them of things,

6:26they're going to take it on board and

6:27blame themselves or just think, "Okay,

6:31maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am

6:33being unfair. They're basically quick to

6:36doubt themselves. They can't stand their

6:38ground. They can't hold their truth.

6:41They're going to go with your truth. But

6:45again, that is not really a good thing

6:48because it might feel like a win to you

6:51in a moment, but in the long run, it

6:55just means that there are all these

6:57things, all these feelings, all these

6:59thoughts that they never get to express.

7:02And these things will come up eventually

7:06and when they do it will be a shock to

7:08you that might create this very

7:10experience of feeling completely

7:13blindsided. Anxiously attached partners

7:16are generally people pleasers. They're

7:19afraid of confrontation because they get

7:21shot down so easily. But there's more to

7:25it. It's not just that they get shot

7:28down. It's also that they're afraid of

7:31your reaction. They're afraid that if

7:34they stand their ground or if they say

7:36something, first off, you're going to

7:37pull away, which avoidance always do,

7:39right? So, they intentionally hide

7:42things from you because they know that

7:44if they speak them, you're not going to

7:47want to have a conversation about it.

7:49You're just going to pull away. That's

7:51not productive either, by the way, this

7:54kind of attitude. So um yeah, don't

7:58blame anxious people for being this way.

8:00Blame yourself for for pulling away.

8:03Almost more painful than pulling away is

8:07as an anxious person when you

8:09communicate something to an avoidant

8:11when they act like they don't care.

8:14Especially when it comes to breakups and

8:18seeing other people. So when an anxious

8:21and avoidant couple breaks up, different

8:24people go about it differently, but they

8:27generally people continue interacting.

8:30Some people go on dates, other people

8:32don't. But but avoidance generally tend

8:35to think that things are okay when

8:40anxious people are already kind of

8:42moving on. And this is one of these

8:45things that they keep to to themselves.

8:48When anxious avoidant couples break up,

8:50anxious people will hide every sign of

8:54them potentially moving on. And that

8:57might include things like seeing other

9:00people or just getting over the avoidant

9:04partner. They're going to continue being

9:06lovebombing and sweet while

9:10simultaneously potentially even seeing

9:12someone else who's already treating them

9:14better. and they're in this frame of

9:16mind like why am I even chasing this

9:18avoidant when I have this other option

9:21so much better like why should I care

9:25but they're not going to show it to you

9:27and the reason why they're not going to

9:30show it to you is because they're afraid

9:32of your reaction and they already know

9:34what your reaction will be because all

9:36avoidants react the same way when you

9:38tell them I'm seeing someone else and

9:40they do it by saying oh I'm happy for

9:45And that hurts, you know, that really

9:48hurts. It's like the worst thing you can

9:50possibly do to an anxious person because

9:53it just makes them feel like you never

9:55even cared to begin with. So, they want

9:58to spare themselves that pain. They know

10:00you're going to play cool. They know

10:02your reaction. Like, they can predict it

10:05and they don't want to get burned for

10:08the millionth time. So, they're going to

10:10protect themselves and hide crucial

10:12facts from you and blindside you and do

10:16all the things that make you feel

10:17betrayed and backstab. But in a way, it

10:20is the avoidance fault because I mean,

10:25it's not just the avoidance fault. But

10:27before you start judging anxious people

10:30for all the secrets they keep and all

10:33the things they're not being honest

10:34about you, you should be honest with

10:37yourself about all the secrets you keep

10:40and all the things you're not honest

10:42about. And and it's similar in a sense

10:45that avoidance are also not fully aware

10:48of their feelings. So that's why they

10:51play them down. The same way anxious

10:54people are not fully aware of their

10:56feelings either. So they play them down.

10:59Just that avoidance tend to play down

11:02positive feelings. Meanwhile, anxious

11:05people tend to play down negative

11:08feelings. And this brings me to the

11:10third big thing anxious people hide from

11:13avoidance, which is everything that's

11:16negative about the relationship. And

11:20this includes all your flaws. Again,

11:22this is something anxious people

11:24actually hide from themselves or want to

11:28disregard your opposite puzzle pieces.

11:30And avoidance can be very critical and

11:33and very scrutinizing and and analyze

11:37everything that might go wrong. And

11:39anxious people are the opposite. They're

11:41going to be hopeful. They're going to

11:44think of all the positives and focus on

11:46the positives and disregard the things

11:49that might go wrong or or the things

11:52that are not working for them for a

11:54while. But it's not something you can do

11:57indefinitely. Much like as an avoidant,

12:00you can't indefinitely deny your

12:01feelings. They will come up eventually

12:04and you will feel inclined to chase your

12:08anxious partner if you do actually care

12:10about them. The same way anxious people

12:13can't indefinitely deny all these

12:15negative things. And the reason why this

12:19is so dangerous is because and and I'm

12:23saying this as a formally anxious person

12:25like I was this way too. We idealize our

12:28avoidant partners. We do see them

12:30through rosecolored glasses. For an

12:33avoidant it's nice, right? It's

12:35validating. But the flip side of it is

12:38that when all this bad stuff

12:41accumulates, when you have this wall of

12:44resentment that has grown there because

12:47of all the times we felt dismissed or

12:49ignored or abandoned, and all our

12:52boundaries have been disregarded, all

12:54our needs have been disregarded. And

12:58then there were all these times when we

13:01tried bring it up, when we tried talking

13:02about it, but because we're so afraid of

13:04confrontation, we didn't manage to get

13:06the point across. Right? So, so there is

13:09this huge balloon of negativity that

13:14might just burst. And what I see happen

13:17with anxious avoidant couples time and

13:20time again is that anxious people are

13:22lovebombing and and they are love

13:24struck. They are like puppies. They see

13:27their avoidant as their ultimate hero.

13:30But then it kind of flips. If all these

13:33things just gather in the background

13:35from one moment onto the next, the

13:37avoidant can go from being their biggest

13:39hero to being their biggest enemy to

13:42being a complete villain to being like

13:44someone they hate and despise and judge

13:47and reject. And that is the thing I'm

13:51trying to warn you about. That is the

13:54very thing that makes avoidance feel

13:56like, well, this relationship must have

13:59been false from the get-go. They are not

14:02the person I thought they were or I feel

14:05so blindsided. And this mechanism, this

14:10sad outcome, that's the result of the

14:13anxious avoidant trap for the avoidance.

14:16You get burnt, you get disappointed, you

14:19get abandoned, you get dropped from one

14:22moment onto the next without much

14:25warning. So why didn't it happen for us?

14:28Why were we different? Why did we manage

14:32to find a way out of this mess? Gabriel

14:34and I kept on breaking up or he kept on

14:37breaking up with me and my resentment

14:39was growing. I was moving on. I was

14:43slowly letting go and for the longest

14:46time I didn't realize it myself. It was

14:49happening in the background. But I guess

14:51the difference between me and a lot of

14:55anxious people is that I'm actually not

14:58afraid of confrontation. So as long as I

15:00was blind to his treatment of me and saw

15:05it as somehow my fault and thought of

15:08the pulling away and and the breakups is

15:11like okay or or his right or something,

15:15the resentment kept on growing. But then

15:18he did this thing where where he did a

15:21very sweet loving gesture and then broke

15:23up with me shortly after. and and that

15:26made me realize it's a really shitty

15:30thing to do to a person. What's more, I

15:32I was on this internship abroad for 2

15:34months and and then Gabriel broke up

15:36with me a week before I was supposed to

15:39come back. That also felt like what the

15:42hell? We we were somewhat together for

15:44the whole duration of of that internship

15:47and now you want to end things now that

15:50we can actually be together. That made

15:52me realize this is not okay. you should

15:55not treat a person this way. And I did

15:58confront him about it and I was angry

16:01and and I did decide I can't let him

16:05continue doing this to me. And and he

16:08did initially try to shoot me down and

16:11try to be dismissive, but I had the

16:14ability to stand up to him and I didn't

16:16let him. What does this mean for you as

16:19an avoidant? First off, be weary. Every

16:23time you feel like acting dismissive and

16:27think of it as not that big of a deal,

16:29think twice because it is a big deal. It

16:33does actually create a lot of damage in

16:35a relationship. Whenever your anxious

16:38partner is trying to communicate

16:39something, try not to shoot them down.

16:42Try to listen for your own sake, for

16:45your own protection, so that you don't

16:48get this devastated betrayal at the end

16:50of this. And and if you're an anxious

16:53person watching this, know that you're

16:55setting the trap for your avoidant, too.

16:58And this means that you can actually not

17:02make them fall into it. that by standing

17:05your ground more and insisting on your

17:08boundaries and being confrontational,

17:11you can get them to change. That this

17:14mode of like being loving and and puppy

17:17eyes, as nice as it might feel in the

17:20moment, is how you're keeping yourself

17:23and your partner trapped. both anxious

17:26and the avoidant is setting the other

17:28person for the biggest disappointment of

17:31their life unknowingly. So these are the

17:34secrets that anxious people keep from

17:36avoidance. These are the lies that we

17:39tell you. These are the lies we tell

17:41ourselves. And and if you're ready to do

17:44something about this, if you don't want

17:46to fall into this trap yet again, if you

17:50do actually want to find love and be

17:53able to count on your partner and trust

17:55your partner, doesn't matter what your

17:57attachment style is, you don't have to

18:00figure it all out by yourself. We can

18:02help you. If you're anxious, I can

18:04reassure you and I can build you up and

18:07help you stand up to your avoidant

18:09partner. And if you're avoidant, I can

18:13reassure you too and give you the

18:15courage to be a bit more vulnerable, to

18:18lean out a little bit. And that alone

18:21can make all the difference. It can

18:23protect you from getting burnt in the

18:25long run. So, if you're interested, I'll

18:28link our coaching page in the

18:29description of this video. You can check

18:31out our availability. By the way,

18:33Gabriel can help you, too. You can also

18:36get the avoidance perspective. I hope

18:38you found this helpful. I hope I managed

18:41to protect some of you from getting

18:42burnt by telling you all these secrets

18:45that anxious people keep. If you're

18:47looking for more content on attachment

18:49styles, be sure to subscribe to our

18:51channel. Thank you for watching.