Full transcript
Intro
0:00Maybe your partner has been pulling away
0:02lately. They're less present, less warm,
0:05plans fall through, messages take
0:07longer. And when you ask, "What's going
0:10on?" they don't really have an answer.
0:14So, you try harder, you research, you
0:16bring things up, you say, "I think you
0:19might have an avoidant attachment
0:20style."
0:21Or you try to help whichever way you
0:24can.
0:25But it doesn't really do anything. Your
0:27partner continues to be distant, checked
0:30out, or even starts getting defensive.
0:33And then one day they say it. Maybe it's
0:37"I need to work on myself." or "I'm too
0:41broken to be in a relationship." And it
0:43hits you like a door slamming shut. What
0:46does that even mean? Are they ending
0:49things? Are they asking for space?
0:52Are they just giving up?
0:54The first one especially can be
0:56confusing. "I need to work on myself."
0:59sounds almost reasonable, almost
1:02healthy, like something a therapist
1:04would recommend. But when it's coming
1:06from someone who has been pulling away
1:08from you, it feels like an exit dressed
1:11up as self-awareness. In this video, I
1:13want to talk about what's really
1:15happening when an avoidant says this,
1:18why the way most people respond actually
1:20makes things worse,
1:22and what to do instead. This is actually
1:25the first video in a two-part series.
1:27The second one is called I Can't Give
1:29You What You Need, and it covers what
1:32happens when this dynamic goes even
1:34further. It will come out next week, so
1:37subscribe if you want to see it in your
1:39feed. Hi guys, I'm Carolina.
1:42I'm an attachment coach, and I run this
1:44channel together with my formally
1:46avoidant husband, Gabriel. And yes, I've
1:49been exactly where you are right now.
1:51More on that in the moment. Let's first
Avoidant Pull Away
1:54address the dreaded avoidant pull away.
1:57It usually doesn't start with a dramatic
1:59moment. It happens quietly and
2:01gradually. Your partner becomes a little
2:04harder to reach, a little less
2:06enthusiastic. Where they used to
2:09initiate, now you're the one always
2:11reaching out more. Things that used to
2:14feel easy start causing some strange
2:17tension between the two of you.
2:19And you notice. Of course, you notice.
2:22So, you ask, gently at first, "Is
2:24everything okay? You seem a bit off
2:27lately."
2:28And they say something like, "I'm fine,
2:30just stressed." Or they don't say much
2:32at all. Here's what's important to
2:35understand about this stage. Your
2:37partner is not pulling away because they
2:40don't care. Most likely, they're
2:42overwhelmed, they're stressed, confused,
2:45and not yet able to put words to what
2:48they're feeling. They're still showing
2:50up to conversations with you. They
2:52haven't left. That matters. This is what
2:54I'd call the ambivalent stage. They're
2:57halfway there and halfway not. And this
Caretaker Role
3:00is where us anxious leaning people mess
3:03things up by assuming the caretaker
3:06role.
3:07When the person you love starts
3:09struggling, it's natural to want to
3:11help. And if you have anxious
3:14attachment, it goes even further than
3:16that. For a lot of anxious people,
3:19myself included, helping isn't just an
3:22impulse, it's almost an identity. You're
3:25the one who sees people clearly. You're
3:28the one who holds things together.
3:30You're good at reading people, at
3:32understanding what's going on beneath
3:34the surface. And so, when your partner
3:37starts pulling away, you do what you do.
3:40You focus on them. You research their
3:42patterns. You notice the avoidant
3:44behavior, and you name it. You send them
3:47articles, or you say things like, "I'm
3:50there for you. You can always talk to
3:52me." You push, gently but persistently,
3:55for them to understand themselves
3:57better.
3:58And this comes from a real place of
4:00love. I know it does, because I've done
4:03all of it.
4:05But here is what I didn't see at the
4:07time.
4:08While I was completely focused on
4:10Gabriel, on what was going on with him,
4:13on what he needed to work on, I wasn't
4:16looking at myself at all. The caretaker
4:19role felt like love, but it was also a
4:22hiding place. As long as I was busy
4:25trying to fix him, I didn't have to sit
4:28with my own fears, my own questions
4:31about whether I was lovable, whether I
4:33was enough, whether I was the problem,
4:36too.
4:37So, the pushing continues. And every
4:39time you name a pattern, every time you
4:41check in with them, every time you say,
4:44"Are you okay?" something happens on the
4:47other side. Your partner hears one thing
4:50over and over. You are the problem in
4:53this relationship. Maybe you don't mean
4:56it that way. You almost certainly don't.
4:58But that's how it feels, so they start
5:01defending themselves, either by going
5:03quiet or by agreeing with you on the
5:06surface, but retreating further inside.
5:09The more you push, the more they shrink.
5:12And the more they shrink, the more
5:14anxious you get. And the more anxious
5:17you get, the more you push.
5:19And then it comes. Most likely, they'll
5:22say, "I need to work on myself." or "I
5:25need some space to figure things out."
5:27And if things have gone on long enough,
5:30something even harder to hear. "I'm too
5:33broken to be in a relationship." I want
5:36you to hear what's actually happening in
5:38these moments.
5:39This is not self-awareness. This is not
5:42an exit strategy, either.
5:44This is someone who has been treated
5:46like a problem to be solved for long
5:48enough that they've started to believe
5:50it.
5:51And there's more to it. Most likely,
5:54you're not the only person relating to
5:56them this way. They might have a
5:58predisposition to think of themselves
6:00this way because of treatment they
6:03experienced in their past. Nevertheless,
6:06by now, they fully absorbed this
6:09message. They've started to see
6:11themselves through your eyes, or what
6:14they imagine your eyes to see. A person
6:17with issues, a person who keeps getting
6:19it wrong, a person who maybe needs to
6:22work on themselves before they can be
6:24with anyone at all. They're still saying
6:27it to you. They haven't disappeared.
6:29They haven't blocked your number. That
6:31sentence, as painful as it is to hear,
6:35is still a bid for connection. It's a
6:37cry for help, not a conclusion.
6:40There is a story we tell ourselves in
6:42conscious, emotionally aware
6:44relationships. And it goes like this.
6:47The loving thing to do is to push your
6:49partner toward growth, to gently guide
6:52them, and not let them off the hook. It
6:55sounds right. It sounds mature, like
6:58exactly what a healthy relationship
7:00should look like.
7:01But it has a cost that nobody talks
7:03about. The moment you start consistently
7:06analyzing your partner, pointing out
7:09their patterns, positioning yourself as
7:11the one who understands what's really
7:13going on, you stop being their partner,
7:16you become their therapist. And nobody
7:19feels safe being loved by their
7:21therapist. Every observation, however
7:24accurate, sends the same signal. I am
7:28above you in this. I can see you, but
7:31you cannot see yourself. It creates
7:33distance and hierarchy. And then there's
7:36the harder thing to admit, the thing I
7:39had to admit about myself. The analyzing
7:42wasn't only about Gabriel, it was also
7:45about me. Because as long as I was
7:47focused entirely on his avoidant
7:49patterns,
7:51I didn't have to look at my own anxious
7:53ones. I didn't have to ask myself why I
7:56needed to fix people to feel valuable,
7:58why I couldn't just sit with discomfort,
8:01why I was so afraid of the relationship
8:03failing that I'd rather turn it into a
8:06project than risk just being in it.
8:09The therapizing was as much about my
8:12attachment wound as it was about his.
8:15And it wasn't helpful at all. It only
8:17made things worse for both of us. So,
Solution
8:20what do you actually do when your
8:21partner says they need to work on
8:24themselves, or that they're too broken
8:26to be in a relationship? You stop
8:28obsessing over all the ways in which
8:31they are broken. Stop overanalyzing
8:33every move they make, every message they
8:36send or not send, and start looking in
8:39the mirror. Because in order to be able
8:42to help them, you need to admit
8:44something about yourself. That you are
8:46broken, too. You have issues. You
8:49overthink. You overreact. You can't let
8:52things go. You can be needy at times,
8:55dismissive other times. Everybody is
8:57this way. We're all human. We have
9:00flaws. If you want your avoidant partner
9:02to stop pulling away, you need to stop
9:05making them feel more and more broken,
9:07and start making them feel less broken
9:10instead. How do you make someone feel
9:12less broken?
9:14You do it by relating to their problems
9:16and complaints. When an avoidant says,
9:19"I need to work on myself." you say, "I
9:21know what you mean. I feel that way,
9:23too, sometimes. There are parts of me I
9:26haven't figured out at all, and I'm not
9:28sure I ever will." When they say, "I'm
9:31too broken to be in a relationship." you
9:33say, "I feel this way, too. I know I can
9:36be a handful at times. I'm working on
9:39it, but sometimes I worry it's not
9:41something I'll ever be able to fix."
9:44Admitting to having flaws is scary. It's
9:46vulnerable. But your partner knows all
9:49these things about you, anyway. They
9:51sense your insecurity. They know when
9:53you panic. They also know you're not
9:55perfect. You might think you're being so
9:57sneaky, but they can see right through
10:00you. Coming clean about these things is
10:03not going to make them love you less. On
10:05the contrary, it's going to make them
10:07love you more. When I eventually stopped
10:10analyzing Gabriel and started being
10:12honest about my own fears, about how
10:15scared I was, about how I also didn't
10:18always know what I was doing,
10:20about the ways I was also avoiding
10:23things, something shifted. Instead of
10:26growing apart, we started growing closer
10:29because I stepped off the therapist
10:31chair and sat down next to him. That's
10:34the move. Not fixing them, not backing
10:36off entirely, just changing your
10:38position from the person who has clarity
10:41about what they need to work on to the
10:44person who's equally lost and scared.
10:47This mindset shift is the beginning, not
10:49the solution. Changing a long-standing
10:52dynamic in a relationship, especially an
10:55anxious-avoidant one, takes time and
10:57consistency. If you want a step-by-step
11:00process for actually doing this, for
11:02learning how to shift out of the
11:04caretaker pattern, rebuild safety with
11:07an avoidant partner, and create the
11:09closeness you've been looking for,
11:11that's exactly what we cover in our
11:13Attached and Avoidant Program. The link
11:15to find out more is in the description.
11:17And if you want to understand what
11:19happens when this pattern doesn't get
11:21addressed, when the pushing continues
11:23and the avoidant goes from ambivalent to
11:26cold to completely shut down, that's the
11:29second video in this series. I'll be
11:31honest with you. I know that story from
11:34the inside. I was the one doing the
11:36pushing, and I watched Gabriel go from
11:38halfway there to completely gone. Not
11:41because he didn't care, because I kept
11:43making him feel like he was the problem.
11:46The second video is called I Can't Give
11:48You What You Need, Why Avoidants Say
11:50This, and What to Do About It. Here I
11:53give you a very hands-on, almost instant
11:55fix to this problem that's fairly easy
11:58to implement, but very hard to accept.
12:01It's coming out in a week. Once it's
12:03ready, I'll link it right here.