Fixing This One Mistake Transformed My Anxious-Avoidant Relationship

0:00There is this one mistake I see every

0:02single one of my coaching clients make

0:05and then the more they manage to fix it,

0:08the better the results they get.

0:10Addressing this one particular problem

0:12is what gets your relationship unstuck.

0:15The mistake I and almost everybody else

0:18made was I was waiting for my avoidant

0:21partner to lead. I was waiting for him

0:24to make up his mind about us, to

0:27initiate, to make plans, to bring up

0:30important topics, or to make important

0:33decisions such as commitment. It was

0:35almost as though he was my boss and I

0:39was a secretary waiting on him all the

0:42time. Hi guys, I'm Karolina and I used

0:45to be stuck deep in the anxious avoidant

0:48trap. My then avoidant boyfriend was

0:52unsure about everything about our

0:53relationship, kept on breaking up with

0:56me, but then we figured things out. Now

0:59we're married, and we run this YouTube

1:01channel together where we talk about

1:02attachment styles and breakups. So, why

1:05do we do this? Why do anxious people

1:08allow for such an unequal power dynamic

1:11when we're dating an avoidant? Usually

1:14relationships start on a more equal note

1:17where the power between the two of you

1:20is more balanced and you're both equal

1:24partners and decision makers in your

1:27relationship. However, I know for a lot

1:31of you guys, and this was the case for

1:34me too, this dynamic, this looking up to

1:39the avoidant as the leader was actually

1:42the initial appeal of this person to me.

1:46Maybe you're someone who takes on a lot

1:49of responsibility in your life. That was

1:52certainly the case for me. I'm a big

1:54sister. So, I would take on the big

1:57sister role everywhere I went. I'd take

2:00it on at work. I'd take it on in any

2:02group project in my family, too. So,

2:06when Gabriel and I first started dating,

2:10he was like a breath of fresh air. He

2:12wanted to lead. He wanted to take

2:14control. And I was happy to give it up.

2:18It was something new to me. this

2:21employee boss dynamic that a lot of us

2:25tend to develop with our avoidant

2:27partners. You might think this is

2:29something typical to women, but it's

2:31not. I actually coach a lot of very

2:34successful men who have control over

2:39everything in their life or manage a lot

2:41of people yet with their partner. this

2:45dynamic flips and suddenly they want to

2:48be in this follower role. Everybody

2:50needs an area in their life where they

2:52can be weak, where they can be

2:54vulnerable, where they can just follow

2:56and trust someone else and and kind of

2:59surrender to this other person. I think

3:02that's why a lot of us do this. That's

3:04why we end up looking up to the avoidant

3:07and waiting for them to lead. So for

3:10Gabriel and me, that's how things

3:12started out. It worked out great. And

3:15that's the thing with this dynamic that

3:17it can work incredibly well as long as

3:21the person who's leading and you have

3:24the same goals and the same

3:26expectations, when you want the same

3:28things, when you're happy with the

3:29leadership they're providing.

3:32But the problems will start piling up

3:36when your needs and expectations

3:39diverge. When they want something else

3:42than you do, and you're in this employee

3:45role, waiting on the avoidant, the

3:49leader, to do what you want them to do,

3:52and you feel powerless, and you get

3:54anxious, which only reinforces this

3:57unhealthy dynamic between the two of

3:59you. But it's not all because of you.

4:02It's not all because you want to put

4:04your avoidant on a pedestal and give up

4:07power and control and let them lead.

4:09Avoidance often do want to have control.

4:13They want to be the leader. This is why

4:16anxious avoidant dynamics can work so

4:19well in the beginning because you want

4:22to give up control. They want to have

4:24control. It's a win-win. It feels like

4:28it's a great combination that you're an

4:30amazing match that you just click. And

4:34here I want to talk a little bit more

4:37about why avoidance have this need for

4:39control. Much like you as the anxious

4:42person have your preference that might

4:45come from the circumstances you're in or

4:48your upbringing. The same is true for

4:50the avoidant. Avoidant attachment

4:53develops because of a person's past. So

4:56avoidants have had bad experiences in

5:00their previous relationships. Maybe they

5:03had a controlling partner or maybe they

5:06have a controlling parent and this is

5:09where their need for control comes from.

5:12That's why they might seek to be in this

5:15role of a leader and want to make all

5:18the decisions in your relationship. So,

5:20this mistake most anxious people make in

5:23their relationship when they're waiting

5:25for their avoidant partner to lead is

5:27two-sided. On one hand, you as the

5:30anxious person want to give up power and

5:33control, and on the other hand, your

5:36avoidant partner might seek power and

5:39control over you so that they can feel

5:42safe in your relationship. This dynamic

5:45where they're leading and you're

5:47following works great as long as you

5:50both want the same things. As long as

5:53you're both happy with the pace that the

5:55relationship is going or with the

5:57direction that they're taking you.

5:59That's why honeymoon phase for anxious

6:02avoidant couples is always perfect and

6:06everything seems effortless and

6:09everything just works because it does

6:12because you both want the same things.

6:15So the employee boss relationship

6:18is fine because you as the employee, you

6:21as the anxious follower are happy with

6:24where the boss, the avoidant is taking

6:26you. But that can never last forever.

6:30Problems always start when the avoidance

6:34wants and preferences become different

6:37than what you want. And that's also when

6:40this boss employee like relationship

6:44becomes extremely problematic. As long

6:46as you're in this employee role, you're

6:49going to feel powerless. You're going to

6:51feel anxious. You're going to have the

6:54urge to chase and desperately cling and

6:57do things that may be out of your

7:00character to try to influence your

7:02avoidant partner. And they will keep on

7:05dismissing you because much like a boss,

7:09they'll feel like they have the power

7:12and control, so you can't do anything

7:14about it. And they'll continue insisting

7:16on what they want, and they'll continue

7:18doing what suits them. I imagine most of

7:22you guys who are watching this video are

7:25already stuck in this dynamic. You're

7:28already wondering when is my avoidant

7:30partner going to reach out? What can I

7:33do to get my avoidant to choose me, to

7:36make up his or her mind about me? How do

7:39I get them in touch with their feelings

7:41for me? This way of relating to your

7:44avoidant partner is this big mistake.

7:47You're waiting on them. You're

7:49reinforcing this dynamic. You're giving

7:53them complete decision making power over

7:56you and your relationship. You're

7:58obsessing over them. You're reinforcing

8:02their leadership position. I did this

8:04and that's what kept me stuck in the

8:07breakup makeup cycle for a year and a

8:10half. I kept on fluctuating between

8:12being like a love struck puppy and doing

8:16no contact, hoping that Gabriel will

8:20magically change his mind or grow up.

8:23Our relationship started moving

8:26backwards in many ways. Things were only

8:28getting worse and worse. And I know it's

8:31the same for you guys. And that's

8:33because avoidance can't be trusted to

8:36lead. They can't be given all the power.

8:40They have flaws. They have issues. They

8:43procrastinate. They will keep your

8:46relationship stuck or they'll drive you

8:48away with their dismissive behavior. If

8:51they're leaning, fearful avoidant, they

8:54will keep your relationship stuck

8:56forever. And if they're dismissive

8:59avoidant, they'll drive you away by

9:02dismissing you, ignoring you, and

9:03rejecting you. Much like democracies

9:06tend to produce better results than

9:08dictatorships. The same way

9:11relationships work better when the power

9:14is split between two partners. When it's

9:16not one person leading and the other one

9:18following, but when it's a partnership,

9:21when you're both having a say, an equal

9:24decision making input over what will

9:27happen. So, how do you fix it? How do

9:30you fix this mistake of endlessly

9:32waiting for an avoidant to lead? First

9:35off, you need to stop blaming the

9:38avoidant for being a bad leader and

9:41start blaming yourself for putting them

9:43in that position to begin with. Yes,

9:46avoidants do play power games. Yes, they

9:49can be dismissive, rejecting, and

9:52um threaten to walk away to get you to

9:56accept certain things that you normally

9:58wouldn't put up with. However, you need

10:01to keep in mind you're both consenting

10:04adults here and your partner has no real

10:08power over you other than the power that

10:11you choose to give him or her. You're

10:14the one putting them on the pedestal.

10:17You're the one giving up control. You're

10:20also the one who needs to start setting

10:23up standards in your relationship and

10:25deciding what kind of behaviors you're

10:27going to put up with and what is

10:30unacceptable for you. I know a lot of

10:33married people keep on looking for

10:36someone to influence their partner

10:39without realizing they are the ones who

10:42have most influence over their spouse.

10:45As long as your avoidant partner

10:48actually cares about you, you do have

10:51power over them, you just need to dare

10:54to see it and also learn to wield it.

10:57But let's address the elephant in the

10:59room. So the reason why us anxious

11:02people don't insist on things or are

11:05afraid of taking charge in a

11:07relationship is because avoidance often

11:10threaten with abandonment when you're

11:13not giving them what they want. So,

11:14let's say you want to see your partner

11:17more than once in a week and they don't

11:22want to prioritize you quite as much or

11:25they don't want to commit to a set

11:28amount of time spent with you. If you

11:31keep on insisting, if you keep on

11:34saying, "This is a hard limit for me,"

11:37your avoidant partner will inevitably

11:41pull their ultimate power move. They'll

11:43say, "I can't give you what you need.

11:45This cannot work out. We're not good for

11:49each other. We want different things."

11:52When this happens, you need to be the

11:54one who insists on a certain standard in

11:58your relationship. And if your partner

12:02is willing to walk away from you over

12:05something seemingly small, you have to

12:08let them. You need to recognize that as

12:12long as you're waiting on your avoidant

12:15partner to lead all the time, they'll

12:17never going to change. They'll never

12:20give you what you want because they

12:22won't have to. It is in these conflicts.

12:25It is in you insisting on a certain

12:28standard or on certain things in your

12:31relationship and then letting the

12:33avoidant walk away if they refuse to

12:36accept

12:38what you're asking for that you can have

12:41the kind of confrontation that might

12:44result in actually something changing in

12:46your relationship. There is no way

12:49around it. You need to take charge. You

12:52need to become your own leader. make

12:55your own decisions. But in order to be

12:59able to do this, in order to be able to

13:02step into this more empowered role, you

13:05first need to ask yourself a very

13:07vulnerable question, which is why am I

13:10putting up with this? So this is what I

13:13did. This was part of my journey. When

13:16Gabriel and I were stuck in this

13:17anxious, avoidant breakup makeup cycle,

13:21at some point I asked myself, why do I

13:24allow him to do this? Why do I keep on

13:28letting him break up with me and then

13:30taking him back? What is wrong with me?

13:33I did some therapy at the time. I also

13:35journaled a lot about it. And I came to

13:39conclude that I believe drama is a sign

13:44of true love. My parents' marriage was

13:47quite traumatic. So I guess that's where

13:51I learned it. And that's why the fact

13:54that Gabriel didn't keep on rejecting me

13:57but then kept on coming back was

14:01something in some ways I sought after.

14:05Realizing this was a gamecher and it was

14:10completely necessary for me to stop

14:12making this mistake of waiting for

14:15Gabriel to lead all the time. I saw I

14:18was on rails and I was just repeating

14:20something that felt somewhat familiar

14:23and it was dissecting it and going into

14:26it that allowed me to take a step back

14:28and re-evaluate whether I really wanted

14:31it or not. And after thinking about it,

14:34I concluded, yes, at some point I did

14:36think that drama was somehow proof of

14:39true love. However, I don't believe this

14:43anymore and I don't want it anymore. And

14:46because I don't want it, I need to take

14:48steps to prevent it from happening. I

14:53need to take steps to ensure that I can

14:57do something to protect myself from

15:00being hurt again. As long as I was

15:02clutching onto Gabriel like a love

15:04struck puppy, I was on this roller

15:07coaster with him and he could take me

15:09wherever he wanted to, wherever his and

15:11my trauma was making us go. But I had

15:14the power to get off the roller coaster.

15:17And that's what I did after a third

15:19breakup. I decided enough is enough. And

15:24that's when I did the soulsearching and

15:26that's when I did the therapy. One of

15:29the things that helped me take the power

15:31and control back was I concluded I

15:35needed something else. Something else I

15:37could commit to to distract me or to

15:41take me away from our anxious avoided

15:44drama. I joined a charity project and I

15:47was hoping that it will provide

15:51emotional fulfillment. it will give me

15:54something else I can dedicate my

15:56attention and my heart to so that I

15:59manage to deprioritize our relationship

16:02so that I'm not obsessing over Gabriel

16:03all the time. This was an active choice

16:06I made because I concluded it was

16:09necessary. And in some ways that's what

16:12changed everything because suddenly I

16:15was no longer just waiting for Gabriel

16:18to lead all the time. I was my own

16:20leader. I was making my own decisions. I

16:22didn't consult with him to do any of it.

16:24I committed to going to India for two

16:27months without discussing it with him.

16:29He only found out after the fact. So

16:32what I did was quite extreme. Most of

16:34you do not need to resort to anything

16:37nearly as extreme as this. It's often

16:41about subtle shifts, little ways in

16:44which you make your partner feel like

16:46they're no longer the boss of you. I'll

16:48now give you guys some typical examples.

16:51I help my coaching clients with areas in

16:54which they took the power back that

16:56totally transformed their relationship.

16:59The number one easiest thing you can do

17:01to stop just waiting on your avoidant

17:04partner to lead is by making your own

17:08plans and not consulting with them. I

17:10know a lot of you guys keep on waiting.

17:13I did too. And you keep your schedule

17:16open in case your avoidant reaches out.

17:19you put off things or you depprioritize

17:22other people because you hope that maybe

17:25they'll decide last minute to do

17:27something. You plan your life around

17:30your avoidant partner. That's the

17:32mistake. That's when they're your boss

17:35and you're like the secretary who needs

17:36to wait on them. And this is one of the

17:39simplest areas where you can change this

17:42dynamic, where you can step up and start

17:46treating your avoidant partner like an

17:48equal. So make your own plans. Don't

17:51consult with them. Don't ask their

17:54permission. Don't plan around them. Just

17:57decide what you want to do and

18:00[clears throat] then go and do it. And

18:01that might be about a vacation. It might

18:04be about

18:06starting a new hobby or changing jobs,

18:09moving. Avoidance want you to be

18:12independent. The second big way in which

18:15anxious people keep on waiting for

18:17avoidance to lead is communication. And

18:20this is also an easy fix. This is also

18:23something I teach my coaching clients to

18:27do. That's where no contact actually can

18:31be a bit damaging because people do no

18:36contact often as a means of just waiting

18:39for the avoidant to reach out. You

18:41should be the one with an equal say of

18:44the pace of your communication.

18:46Sometimes avoidance want to purposely

18:49keep things more and more distant and

18:52they'll keep you waiting and you'll feel

18:54like is this even a relationship or are

18:57we even still together or have they

19:00moved on completely? But by waiting and

19:03no contact you're kind of still keeping

19:06their way back in and letting them hold

19:09the reigns. Same thing. you're waiting

19:12for an avoidant to lead versus if you

19:14yourself decide, okay, we had this

19:17breakup, we had this argument, but now I

19:19feel like the dust is settled. Let me

19:21reach out and see if my avoidant partner

19:25is ready to talk or not. That's how you

19:28can take the power back. That's how you

19:30can stop relating to them as though

19:32they're your boss and start relating to

19:34them as though they're your partner.

19:37That's what you do with a friend, right?

19:39You wouldn't just endlessly wait on a

19:41friend to reach out to you. If you want

19:44to talk to someone, you just text them.

19:47And if you want to communicate

19:49something, if you feel like they did

19:52something unfair, you also just tell

19:54them. So that's the second aspect of

19:58communication where anxious people tend

20:00to give avoidance the reigns. They

20:03purposely hide things and pretend like

20:06everything's okay even when they are

20:08upset, even when they are hurting from

20:11something that the avoidant did. And

20:13again, yes, we do it because avoidants

20:16are dismissive or because they will

20:18threaten with abandonment if you express

20:20something you're hurt about. However,

20:23you staying quiet and not standing up

20:26and not speaking up for yourself is also

20:28your own choice. And it's also something

20:32you need to take responsibility for. And

20:35that's another one of these classic ways

20:37in which people can suddenly shift the

20:41power dynamic by calling your avoidant

20:44out by pointing out their toxic

20:47behaviors or by pointing out when they

20:49do something that's unfair. Will your

20:51avoidant like it? No. Of course not.

20:54Nobody likes to be told off. But just

20:58because they don't like it doesn't mean

21:01they don't need it. Just because

21:03avoidance want to have all the decision

21:06power and control in a relationship

21:09doesn't mean it's good for them. Much

21:11like I might want to have Nutella for

21:13dinner. If I actually do this, if I

21:16actually just sit with a tub of Nutella

21:19and eat it with a spoon, it will make me

21:22feel sick. The same way if you keep on

21:25waiting for your avoidant partner to

21:28lead, it will make them sick too. It

21:31will make them more avoidant. It will

21:32make them more dismissive or it will

21:34make them more fearful. They need your

21:36resistance. Everybody wants a

21:39partnership. They want someone they can

21:42rely on and someone they can lean on,

21:45not someone who will endlessly lean on

21:47them and wait on them. So this is what I

21:51did. I started taking charge and taking

21:55responsibility for my relationship. I

21:58started making an effort to communicate

22:01more and more and to stand my ground. I

22:04started making my own decisions. I made

22:07plans without asking Gabriel's

22:10permission without even checking in with

22:12him because we were broken up at the

22:14time. But then in the relationship once

22:17we got back together, I didn't revert to

22:20the old ways. And and sometimes I could

22:23see, okay, he's keeping me waiting on

22:26purpose. And then I'd purposely make

22:29other commitments so that when he does

22:32want to do something last minute, I'm

22:34not going to be available. If you want

22:37your anxious, avoidant relationship to

22:40work out, you need to step out. You need

22:43to play ball. You can't just endlessly

22:46let your avoidant partner walk all over

22:49you and then bombard them with love in

22:52the hopes that they'll finally be the

22:54person you need them to be so that you

22:57can feel secure and loved. You're both

23:00part of this dynamic. You're both

23:03responsible for changing and fixing it.

23:05Stepping up and taking responsibility in

23:08your relationship is a process. We can

23:11help you fix this very mistake with our

23:14attach and avoidant program. Here we

23:16provide a step-by-step guide on how you

23:19can take more and more control so that

23:22you're no longer just expecting your

23:24partner to lead, but instead you're

23:27gently leading them to a place you're

23:30both wanting to be in. For all of you

23:32guys who are interested, I'll link our

23:34program in the description of this

23:35video. If you found this helpful,

23:38definitely check out my husband's video

23:40on what made him choose me. That's where

23:43you can see the avoidant side of the

23:46story and how this mistake that us

23:48anxious people keep on making is making

23:51them feel. Thank you for watching.

23:59>> [music]