The Ghost in Your Relationship: How Avoidants Project Past Pain Onto You

0:00Why are avoidants so hesitant to be in a

0:03relationship? Is it just because they

0:05all got burned in the past?

0:08Pretty much. Most people with an

0:10avoidant attachment style feel like

0:13they're not ready for commitment or are

0:15afraid of love because they have a

0:18completely false image of what love is

0:21and what it entails. Hi guys, I'm

0:23Carolina and my relationship used to be

0:26stuck. My then avoidant boyfriend who,

0:30by the way, is now my husband and runs

0:32this YouTube channel with me. Well, back

0:35then he remained undecided and even

0:38seemed scared of us getting closer at

0:40times. You see, he came out of a toxic

0:44relationship a year prior to us meeting.

0:47In a way, it felt like it was really

0:49unfair because I was paying the price

0:52for all the prejudice his ex created.

0:55So, no, you're not just imagining it.

0:58Your avoidant partner is projecting

1:00their ex or their mother or father onto

1:04you and pulling away from you not

1:06because of something you did, but

1:08because of how he or she has been

1:11treated in the past. In this video, I'll

1:13help you understand the avoidant

1:15attachment wound and show you what you

1:18can do to help heal it

1:21so that you don't have to continue

1:22suffering because of it.

1:25And for all you guys who are already

1:27typing a comment, "Oh, avoidants are so

1:30broken. They deserve to die alone."

1:33That's the problem with you avoidants.

1:35You claim you're being logical when in

1:37reality you're just scared. So, you

1:40rationalize your reactions by believing

1:43that running away from problems fixes

1:45them. It doesn't. If it did, you

1:48wouldn't be still obsessing over the one

1:50person who left you. And yes, avoidants

1:53are extremely frustrating. They keep on

1:56claiming that they'll leave but don't.

1:58They'll say your relationship is over

2:01but hold onto your stuff or keep on

2:03reaching out. Or they make all these

2:05future plans with you and then do a

2:08massive U-turn and start saying they're

2:10not ready for commitment. If you've been

2:12wondering, "Am I reading too much into

2:15this?" No, you're not. Avoidants love

2:18contradicting themselves and sending you

2:21lots of mixed messages.

2:23But why do they do this? Let's uncover

2:26the avoidant attachment wound. If you

2:28put all avoidants together in one giant

2:32room, you could divide them into two

2:34groups. The ones who had a needy or a

2:36controlling ex and the ones who had a

2:39needy or a controlling parent. There

2:41are, of course, also the ones who have

2:44both, a needy or a controlling parent

2:47and a needy or a controlling ex. So, I

2:49guess you'll end up with three groups.

2:51Point being, they all have an attachment

2:54wound. They all had an experience where

2:57loving someone and trusting this person

3:00hurt them. Sometimes even physically,

3:03mostly just emotionally. So, they view

3:06love through the lens of this negative

3:08experience and fear things that

3:10shouldn't be scary. They also under

3:13communicate or over react because of

3:16this bad experience from their past.

3:18Let's go back to Gabriel and me for a

3:20second. When we met, he was still very

3:23angry at his ex. It used to scare me

3:25because I could sense he wasn't fully

3:28over her. But at the same time, he

3:32didn't seem to have any warm feelings

3:33towards her, so that was reassuring.

3:37Apparently, she was one of those people

3:39who picked fights over nothing. She once

3:42even started a serious fight over a

3:44comma placement in a text message. So,

3:47Gabriel developed lots of preemptive

3:49measures to try to predict when a fight

3:52was about to break out. Because of these

3:55preemptive measures, he often got

3:57defensive over nothing. He would look at

4:00me, conclude something, and would become

4:03irritated or unavailable without an

4:06explanation. And if I pushed for an

4:09explanation, he'd just get even more

4:11defensive or unavailable. This example I

4:15brought up, an ex who keeps on picking

4:18fights, is a relatively harmless one.

4:21Some avoidants have a history of being

4:23with a narcissist or getting cheated on.

4:26Some had extremely strict upbringing or

4:28had to take care of a parent from an

4:30early age onwards. Avoidant attachment

4:33wounds vary in depth and often have

4:36multiple sources, but this is what all

4:39avoidants have in common. They all had a

4:41negative experience of serious love or

4:43commitment in the past. It could be in a

4:46romantic context but also in relation

4:49with their parents or caregivers. Just

4:52that, and this is the crucial point,

4:54most of them don't fully realize that

4:57the treatment they experienced was

4:59unfair.

5:00They often still believe that it was

5:02somehow either justified or inevitable

5:05and that committing to someone will only

5:08make this bad experience from their past

5:11repeat again. But enough about

5:13avoidants. Let's talk about you guys for

5:15a bit because I know firsthand how hard

5:19it is to be the one paying the price for

5:21someone else's mistakes. How does their

5:24attachment wound make you feel? There

5:27were times when I'd fight and try to

5:29defend myself from these unfair

5:31allegations Gabriel threw in my

5:33direction. I'd say things like, "That's

5:35not what I mean." or "I'm not this kind

5:38of a person."

5:39But he'd just keep on insisting on his

5:41narrative. So much so, at some point I'd

5:44say to myself, "Fine, be this way. Stick

5:48to your prejudice. I'm not going to

5:50fight you on this anymore." Not fighting

5:52Gabriel about his unfair judgments did

5:55prevent our conflicts from escalating.

5:58Sadly, it didn't make these judgments go

6:00away. His attachment wound kept on

6:03getting in the way of our connection. It

6:05still leave me feeling hurt and rejected

6:07over and over again.

6:09So, this is how the avoidant attachment

6:13wound makes you, their partner, feel. It

6:16leaves you feeling misjudged, rejected,

6:19or worse yet, abandoned over nothing.

6:22So, what can you do about it? Before we

6:25go into solutions, let's first talk

6:27about typical reactions to the avoidant

6:30attachment wound. There are two big

6:32mistakes I and everybody else makes when

6:36it comes to responding

6:38to avoidant behaviors triggered by their

6:40attachment wound. Number one, we take it

6:43personally and justify or defend

6:45ourselves. Or, number two, we put on a

6:49brave face and try to be the bigger

6:51person. We usually start with the number

6:53one followed by mistake number two when

6:56the number one backfires. Let me give

6:59you guys an example. Once upon a time, a

7:02coaching client of mine checked her

7:04boyfriend's location and saw that he was

7:06at a beach house and texted him, "Wow,

7:09where are you at?" She didn't mean it as

7:12an accusation and she wasn't in the

7:14habit of obsessively checking his

7:16location either.

7:18She just happened to look it up and it

7:20seemed like a really nice neighborhood.

7:23But he flipped out. "I'm talking to a

7:25client. You're interrupting my meeting

7:28to accuse me of things. This is not

7:30okay." She took it personally and

7:32started justifying herself. She said,

7:35"I didn't mean it this way. It looked

7:38like a nice neighborhood and I was

7:39simply curious." But this guy's

7:42attachment wound was activated and he

7:45couldn't drop it. He had a history of

7:47being cheated on by a very possessive

7:49and suspicious woman. So, when my

7:52coaching client tried explaining

7:54herself, her boyfriend responded with,

7:57"Now you're just trying to gaslight me.

7:59I'm not buying it."

8:01I knew location sharing was a bad idea.

8:03To which she reacted by putting on a

8:06brave face and trying to brush off the

8:08silly fight. But her avoidant partner

8:10was still triggered. He got distant and

8:13stopped sharing his location a few days

8:15later. So, if explaining yourself

8:18doesn't help and dropping things doesn't

8:20make this problem go away either, what

8:23can you do?

8:25How to heal the avoidant attachment

8:27wound. In order to be able to help your

8:30partner overcome their past traumas, you

8:32have to accept one simple truth. You

8:35cannot fix something for another person.

8:38You can only lead by example. You can't

8:41help an avoidant heal their attachment

8:43wound. You can only heal yours and let

8:46it inspire or push them towards healing

8:49change, too.

8:51This is what happened for Gabriel and

8:52me. So, his avoidant attachment wound

8:55was partially about being with someone

8:58who kept on looking for conflict.

9:00Because of this, he was on a constant

9:03lookout for any sign of me being upset

9:06because he expected it to then quickly

9:09escalate into a full-blown fight. That's

9:11what he learned from his previous

9:13relationship. Meanwhile, I felt like

9:15there was no room for me to express my

9:18feelings. My attachment was all about

9:21the fear of being abandoned. Whenever he

9:24got angry with me, I worried that he'd

9:26leave. So, I started talking about my

9:28attachment wound in therapy. I also

9:31journaled about it. I was asking myself,

9:34"Why am I so afraid of it? Where does

9:36this come from? And what is its purpose?

9:40Does worrying about being abandoned

9:42prepare me for it? Or does it just leave

9:44me an anxious mess?" After a few weeks

9:47of self-reflection, I had an epiphany. I

9:50realized, much like Gabriel would

9:52interpret my frown as a sign that a huge

9:55fight is about to explode, the same way

9:58I'd interpret his few hours of silence

10:00as a sign he was about to leave me

10:02forever.

10:04We were both projecting and

10:05overreacting.

10:07What happened next was completely

10:09unexpected.

10:11We were spending an afternoon together.

10:13I looked at my phone and sighed. He

10:15instantly got defensive and said,

10:18"What's wrong?" We just ordered food. I

10:20was hungry, so I was just looking at my

10:23phone checking when it would arrive. So,

10:25I answered, "Nothing. I'm just impatient

10:28because I'm hungry."

10:30Gabriel got defensive and said, "Well,

10:33just grab something from the kitchen."

10:35And in that moment, I suddenly realized

10:37his angry reaction didn't get to me. I

10:40had no urge to justify myself or to sulk

10:43in silence. I felt completely unbothered

10:46by his outburst and answered, "Geez,

10:49just let me be hungry in peace." But, he

10:52wouldn't drop it. He said to me, "It's

10:54not my fault you're hungry."

10:57Normally, I'd get defensive or upset at

10:59this point, but this time I felt amused.

11:02So, I said with a smile,

11:04"No, it's not. Why are you so bothered

11:06by me being hungry?" This question led

11:10Gabriel to share the story of that time

11:12his ex blew up his phone and verbally

11:14assaulted him over his comma placement

11:17in a text message.

11:18I listened to it with bewilderment. It

11:21made me forget about my hunger.

11:23The advantage of sharing a personal

11:25story like this with a close friend or a

11:28romantic partner over in therapy is that

11:30you can get emotional feedback. So, at

11:33the end of the story, I said to him,

11:35"It's really messed up. She was crazy."

11:38To which Gabriel said half jokingly,

11:41"No, it's not normal to verbally assault

11:43someone over grammar?"

11:45To which I responded decisively, "No,

11:48it's not." And we both laughed. And at

11:50that time, the bell rang. Our food just

11:52arrived and the atmosphere became

11:54lighter and more playful. I didn't

11:56continue the topic and neither did he.

11:59It wasn't necessary. We could just enjoy

12:01the evening together without anything

12:04getting in the way. It was the fact that

12:06I worked on my own attachment wound that

12:09allowed me to not get triggered when

12:11Gabriel got triggered. I led by example

12:14and it made me give him what he needed

12:17natural. It just unfolded on its own.

12:20That conversation brought us closer. It

12:23didn't fully remove the barrier. Gabriel

12:26remained hypervigilant,

12:28but it provided a base understanding of

12:30his attachment wound for both of us.

12:33Fully healing someone's attachment wound

12:35is more of a lifelong journey than the

12:38result of a single epiphany.

12:40But, understanding your own triggers and

12:43your own attachment style can get you

12:46further with an avoidant than anything

12:48else. You can't fix them, but you can

12:51either inspire them or challenge them.

12:54Working on healing your own attachment

12:56wound will empower you to be more

12:58assertive and set boundaries without all

13:01that much effort. We are all wired for

13:04connection. It comes to us natural as

13:06soon as we manage to remove the barriers

13:09that divide us. All relationships are

13:11haunted by the ghosts from the past. And

13:14it's your ghosts as well as your

13:16partner's ghosts. Accept that you can't

13:19heal their attachment wound and work on

13:21yours instead, and you'll start getting

13:24instant results.

13:26And if you want to talk to someone who

13:28overcame their own anxious attachment,

13:31you can book a coaching call with me.

13:33I'll link my availability in the

13:35description of this video.

13:37Thank you for watching.