What Avoidants Wish You Knew (But Can't Say): The Real Reason They Pull Away

0:00If you're dating an avoidant, you've

0:01probably spent countless hours asking

0:04yourself, "Why am I not enough? Why did

0:07he or she change their mind about me? Is

0:10this it? Are they going to abandon me

0:12for good this time?" But here's the

0:15thing. These questions are besides the

0:18point. They're just manifestations of

0:20your own insecurities and fears rooted

0:23in your own attachment style. The real

0:26question you should be asking yourself

0:29isn't "Why don't they love me anymore?"

0:32It's "What are they so afraid of?"

0:35Hi guys. I'm Carolina and my formerly

0:38avoidant partner used to pull away all

0:40the time. It took us years to figure out

0:43why he kept on doing it. It turned out

0:46it was all a huge misunderstanding. In

0:49this video, I'll explain what all

0:51avoidants wish you knew but can't say.

0:55I'll reveal the real underlying cause

0:58why they keep on pulling away and what

1:00they need you to do to snap them out of

1:03this damaging push and pull dynamic.

1:06Let's start at the very beginning. And I

1:08mean the moment before the pull away.

1:11Here's [snorts] something that's going

1:13to shift everything. The pull away isn't

1:16the beginning of the problem. It's the

1:18end of a much earlier one. Days or even

1:22weeks before they disappear, your

1:24avoidant partner had a need, a

1:27preference, a boundary. Something they

1:29wanted or didn't want. And here is the

1:32crucial part. They tried to tell you.

1:35Maybe it was clumsy. Maybe they said

1:38something like, "I think I need some

1:41space this weekend." Or "Actually, I'd

1:44rather not talk about that right now."

1:47Or even just "I'm not really feeling up

1:50to it." If it was in response to

1:52something you suggested doing. They said

1:55the thing. They expressed the need. And

1:58then you reacted. Maybe you got visibly

2:01disappointed. Maybe you got frustrated.

2:04Maybe you just went quiet. This is what

2:07I used to do, by the way. Something

2:09Gabriel always interpreted as silent

2:12disapproval. Even if I was quiet simply

2:15because I was thinking about what he

2:17just said. You see, avoidants are

2:21hyper-sensitive to your reactions. They

2:23just don't show it to you. But they'll

2:26scan your face for micro-expressions of

2:28disappointment or misinterpret your

2:31messages in a way that makes all their

2:33worst fears come true. And here's what

2:36happens inside them. In about 3 seconds

2:39flat, when you two disagree about

2:42something, they registered, "I expressed

2:45a need. That caused them pain. I am the

2:48cause of their pain. I am bad.

2:51Expressing needs is dangerous. Never do

2:54that again."

2:55The withdrawal doesn't start when they

2:58go cold. It starts right there. The

3:01moment they learn that their needs hurt

3:04you. What they wish you knew. "When I

3:07finally work up the courage to tell you

3:09what I need and you react with

3:11disappointment, I don't get mad at you.

3:14I get mad at myself for even saying

3:17anything and I learn, 'Don't do that

3:20again.'"

3:23Now, you might be thinking, "Okay, but

3:26why can't they just talk to me about it?

3:29Why can't they come back and say, 'Hey,

3:32that reaction hurt me.' Or 'Can we talk

3:34about what I said?'"

3:36Great question. Here's why. Avoidants

3:39often have something I call a

3:41hyperactive guilt response.

3:44When they see they've upset you, their

3:46brain doesn't go to "We can work through

3:49this." It goes straight to "I caused

3:52harm. This will never work. The kindest

3:55thing I can do is remove myself." In

3:57other words, they start feeling bad or

4:00even guilty for having and expressing a

4:03need. Let me walk you through this

4:05spiral. Step one. They discover they

4:09have a need or a boundary. Step two.

4:12They try expressing it and monitor your

4:15reaction very closely. Step three. They

4:19overreact and start feeling like they

4:22can never get their needs met without

4:24disappointing you. They start feeling

4:26bad. Step four. They don't know how to

4:29fix it. They're unable to stand their

4:32ground and have a productive

4:33conversation. Your reaction already

4:36triggered them too much. They start

4:39feeling guilty for needing something

4:41from you. They also judge themselves for

4:43becoming dependent on you.

4:45Meanwhile, they also still have that

4:48original need. The one they tried to

4:51express. It didn't go away. They still

4:53want space, autonomy, or whatever it

4:57was. So, now they're trapped. If they

5:00honor her need, they hurt you again. If

5:03they abandon their need, they resent

5:06you. It's a lose-lose situation. This is

5:09where step five, withdrawal, becomes

5:12their only escape. They disappear

5:15because they feel helpless and afraid

5:17that talking about it would only make

5:19things worse. Let me run you guys

5:22through a concrete example from our own

5:25relationship. There was a time when

5:27Gabriel said to me, "There is a special

5:30event at my archery club at the end of

5:32the month." That was him expressing a

5:34need. He was hoping I'd get excited

5:36about the event he was telling me about.

5:39But I only said, "Okay."

5:42And he detected a note of disappointment

5:44in my voice. I was a little bummed out

5:47because I was hoping he would invite me.

5:50He noticed I was a bit upset but thought

5:53it's because I was disapproving of his

5:55hobby. He was distant all week after the

5:58exchange. And I became anxious which

6:01made Gabriel defensive. So, in this

6:04example, we already have two instances

6:08of the guilt spiral. First, when he told

6:11me about the archery event

6:13and noticed I was upset. And then when

6:17he got anxious when he pulled away. And

6:20it was all purely a misunderstanding.

6:22Both of us wanted to go to the archery

6:25event together but neither of us could

6:28communicate our needs in a way that

6:30wouldn't trigger the other. What they

6:33wish you knew, number two. Pulling away

6:35is an act of helplessness. "I'm not

6:38pulling away because I don't want you.

6:41I'm pulling away because I wanted

6:43something. Asking for it hurt you and

6:46now I don't know what else to do." So,

6:49if they're not pulling away because they

6:50don't want you, what do they actually

6:53want?

6:56This is the part that might break your

6:58heart a little. They want there to be a

7:00room. Room for what they want and for

7:03what you want. Room for both of you to

7:06exist as separate people. Room for them

7:09to need something different without it

7:11becoming a crisis.

7:13They also want you to be okay even when

7:17they have different needs. They want you

7:19to hear their no without it sending you

7:22into an anxious spiral. They want to

7:24say, "I need a night alone." And have

7:27you say, "Okay, enjoy." Not "What's

7:30wrong?" Or "Did I do something?"

7:33Unconsciously, every time they express a

7:35need, they're testing one thing. "If I

7:38say I need space, will you be okay? Or

7:42will I have to take care of your

7:44feelings about my feelings?" They don't

7:46want you to disappear. They just want

7:49you to be less anxious and more secure.

7:52Just like you want them to be less

7:54avoidant and more secure. What they wish

7:57you part three.

7:59"I too sometimes struggle with

8:01separating my needs from your needs. I

8:04pull away because I don't want our

8:06conflict to escalate into a hurtful

8:08fight. Also, because I worry that you'll

8:12just talk me into things I don't want to

8:14do."

8:19Okay.

8:20So, let's talk about the withdrawal

8:22itself because I know what it feels like

8:25on your end. It feels like punishment,

8:27like rejection, like they're trying to

8:30hurt you. But that's not what's

8:32happening. They don't want to make you

8:34feel bad. They want to create safety for

8:36themselves. Safety from the guilt spiral

8:39I mentioned before. Think about it from

8:42their perspective. Distance means they

8:44can't accidentally hurt you again.

8:47Distance also means they can't be

8:49overwhelmed by your needs. Here is the

8:52cruel irony. Their withdrawal is often

8:55an attempt to preserve the relationship.

8:57They think they're either buying

9:00themselves time or even that the space

9:03is necessary for you guys to figure

9:06things out. They think, "If I stay right

9:09now, I'll say the wrong thing. I'll do

9:11the wrong thing. I'll make it worse.

9:14Better to disappear than to destroy

9:16everything." Most avoidants don't know

9:19how else to set boundaries. They think

9:21space is a magical cure that makes

9:24problems vanish by themselves. That it

9:26is needed. Or even that you two breaking

9:30up could be a good thing. That it's the

9:33only way to make room for both of your

9:35needs and preserve your relationship.

9:38They're not always wrong, by the way.

9:40Sometimes having some time apart truly

9:43is all is needed for both of you to cool

9:45off so that you can communicate. Just

9:48that avoidants tend to exaggerate the

9:50amount of space and time they take for

9:53themselves. They also tend to get lost

9:56in it. especially since in their mind

9:59they're just pressing the pause button.

10:01In particular when they break up with

10:03you,

10:04they don't think of it as final at all.

10:07They believe they can reverse it

10:10anytime. How do I know this?

10:12I talked to a lot of avoidants. I'm also

10:15married to a former avoidant, and they

10:17all say the same things. That space is a

10:20good thing, that breakups are a good

10:22thing, that it's often what was needed,

10:25and that they should probably wait a

10:27while longer, another month or half a

10:30year. They are also always shocked when

10:33their anxious ex refuses to take them

10:35back. They don't realize that the

10:37withdrawal itself is what actually

10:40damages things. They're so focused on

10:42themselves and their own triggers that

10:45they can't see the hurt their absence

10:47creates. You see,

10:49anxious people and avoidants are not so

10:52different. They both let their

10:54attachment issues sabotage

10:56relationships. Just that anxiously

10:59attached partners are more likely to

11:01chase, convince, love bomb, and override

11:04boundaries when they get dysregulated.

11:06Meanwhile, avoidants are more likely to

11:09be unavailable, dismissive, and pull

11:11away. It's just an opposite reaction to

11:15the same trigger. And what trigger is

11:17that?

11:18Feeling like your partner doesn't care

11:20about your needs. Actually, to be even

11:23more precise, it's your partner putting

11:26their own needs above yours. When an

11:29avoidant says, "I need space."

11:32You feel anxious and might need

11:34closeness and reassurance, but they need

11:37space. So, by pulling away, they're

11:40putting their need above yours.

11:43Their need for space is more important

11:45to them than your need for closeness.

11:48But you're no different. You keep on

11:50asking for reassurance, seeking contact,

11:53trying to find a way in because your

11:56need for closeness is more urgent to you

11:59than their need for space.

12:01You both get triggered, just that when

12:04avoidants get triggered, they pull away.

12:06Meanwhile, when anxiously attached

12:08people get triggered, they chase. The

12:11solution. How to fix this?

12:14There's a very simple solution to this

12:16problem, one that doesn't even require

12:19you to put your needs aside. It's

12:21something I discovered one evening, and

12:24it works like a charm even until today.

12:27One time, Gabriel came to me complaining

12:29that he felt pressured, like I was

12:32putting him in a box and had all these

12:34unspoken expectations. He felt pressured

12:37to send me good morning messages, he

12:39felt pressured to initiate and make

12:42plans.

12:43Whenever I was upset about something, he

12:45felt pressured to give in and give me

12:47what I wanted. When he said all this to

12:50me, I realized I was at a crossroads. I

12:53could have gotten defensive and said,

12:55"I'm not pressuring you to do any of

12:57these things. I wish you'd do them

12:59because you wanted to do them." I could

13:02have gotten anxious and answered,

13:05"So, you just don't care about me?" and

13:07started crying. But I chose to do

13:09something else. I decided not to get

13:12triggered and try to find common ground

13:15instead. I considered what he complained

13:17about and thought to myself, "How do I

13:20feel in this relationship? Can I relate?

13:23Do I feel pressured sometimes, too?"

13:26Thinking this way made my anxiety

13:28evaporate in an instant. I immediately

13:31concluded, "Yes, there are areas where I

13:34do feel pressured by lots of unspoken

13:37expectations."

13:38So, I responded,

13:40"It's funny you should say this because

13:42I feel exactly the same way."

13:45Gabriel looked puzzled, but also

13:47relieved. He didn't expect this

13:49reaction. We both proceeded to talk

13:51about all the unspoken expectations that

13:54made us feel pressured.

13:56They were in different areas. I felt

13:58pressured when it came to physical

13:59closeness and intimacy. Meanwhile,

14:02Gabriel felt pressured when it came to

14:04making plans and long-term commitment.

14:07We both said to each other, "It's not

14:09our intention to pressure the other into

14:12anything." and that it's strange that we

14:14both should feel this way. We concluded

14:17we'll both make an effort to help the

14:20other feel less pressured. What could

14:22have driven us apart ended up bringing

14:24us closer.

14:26Thanks to me not getting triggered, not

14:28focusing on our differences and

14:30panicking about them, but trying to find

14:33common ground. And thanks to Gabriel

14:36being willing to cooperate. I know some

14:38of you guys will say, "That's

14:40impossible. Avoidants never want to make

14:42up or listen to what the other person

14:45has to say." But that's a sign you might

14:47just be pushing the avoidant to see

14:49things your way.

14:51Finding common ground requires you to

14:53empathize, to put yourself in their

14:56shoes and consider their point of view.

14:59It also requires you to admit that some

15:01things in your relationship aren't

15:04working, that you two do have problems

15:07or differences that need to be

15:09addressed. Maybe you feel pressured to

15:11always give them space whenever they ask

15:13for it, or feel pressured to be okay

15:16with anything they say they want.

15:18Maybe, much like they're afraid to tell

15:21you things, the same way you're now

15:23afraid to express your feelings, too.

15:26Every conflict can go two ways. It can

15:29either bring you closer, or it can drive

15:32you two apart.

15:33So, when an avoidant puts their needs

15:35ahead of yours, don't just panic and

15:37overwhelm them.

15:39Don't suffer in silence, either. Focus

15:42on finding common ground because

15:45even though you might have different

15:46preferences or tastes in things, your

15:49emotional needs are all the same.

15:52Everybody craves to feel understood and

15:54taken care of, to be loved in a way they

15:57want to be loved. Instead of fighting

16:00for priority treatment that leaves you

16:02both feeling disappointed and rejected,

16:05you can broker peace by focusing on

16:08finding common ground. The amazing thing

16:11about this angle is that it also

16:13counteracts the avoidant tendency to

16:16take you for granted. Imagine your

16:18partner said to you, "I need space." and

16:21you answered, "Yes, me, too. We've been

16:24spending way too much time with each

16:26other."

16:27After an exchange like this, who is more

16:29likely to get insecure?

16:31Anxious avoidant trap is a dynamic you

16:35both allow to develop. You don't have to

16:37just let it escalate and drive you

16:39apart. If you're on a lookout for a

16:42step-by-step framework to transform your

16:45relationship, it's something we provide

16:47in our Attachment Avoidant program.

16:49Here, we give you plenty of reassurance

16:52to help you overcome your own anxiety

16:55and prevent it from sabotaging your

16:57relationship. We also give you scripts

17:00and actionable advice you can apply with

17:02an avoidant partner to bring them

17:04closer.

17:05You'll find a link to Attachment

17:07Avoidant in the description of this

17:08video.

17:09So, let's bring this all together. The

17:12pull away doesn't start when avoidants

17:15go cold. It starts when they try to

17:17express something and it doesn't go

17:19well.

17:20They get triggered, which then triggers

17:23you,

17:23which triggers them even more,

17:26so that they trigger you even more. So

17:29much so, a simple disagreement can

17:32escalate to a full-blown breakup without

17:35you knowing. But here's what's

17:37underneath it all.

17:39They just desperately want there to be

17:41room for their needs, as do you. You

17:44both get triggered when your partner

17:46puts their needs ahead of yours. There

17:49is a simple way out of the anxious

17:51avoidant trap. It requires you to admit

17:54that your avoidant and you are not so

17:56different after all.

17:58You might have different preferences,

18:00but deep down, you both just want to be

18:02loved, understood, and taken care of.

18:06Focusing on finding common ground allows

18:08you to overcome your own anxiety and

18:11counteracts the avoidant need for space

18:14at the same time. So, stop panicking

18:17about your differences. Realize you have

18:20the same triggers, you just have

18:22opposite coping mechanisms when they get

18:25activated. All right, guys. Let me know

18:28what you think about this approach in

18:30the comments section. Subscribe for more

18:32attachment style advice from a former

18:34anxious avoidant couple. Thank you for

18:36watching and see you in my next video.

18:47>> [music]