What to Text During Avoidant Deactivation to Get a Response

0:00Avoidance deactivate. They pull away or

0:03become more distant and guarded. And

0:05when they do this, it's hard not to

0:07panic, especially if it's the first

0:10time. Or worse yet, if they broke up

0:13with you in the past and it started

0:16exactly this way. Hi guys, I'm Karolina.

0:20I used to date an avoidant who

0:21deactivated every other week. At first,

0:25it was just a bit annoying, but I didn't

0:28think too much of it. But then the

0:30distance escalated. Instead of just

0:33needing space, my then avoidant partner

0:36started becoming unsure about our

0:38relationship. Over the years, I've

0:40learned and perfected my ways of dealing

0:43with avoidant deactivation until it just

0:46stopped being a problem in our

0:48relationship. My formerly avoidant

0:50partner is now my husband and he doesn't

0:53deactivate at all. He just talks to me.

0:56Now we run this YouTube channel together

0:59helping you guys replicate our results.

1:02In this video, I'll teach you what to

1:04text and avoidant during the activation

1:07to get a response and also how to get

1:10them to snap out of this detached

1:12distant mode and open up about whatever

1:16is going on for them. So, what is

1:19avoidant deactivation? It's a

1:22self-protective emotional shutdown that

1:24people with an avoidant attachment style

1:27unconsciously employ when they feel

1:30their independence is threatened or when

1:34emotional intimacy becomes too intense.

1:37What does this look like in real life?

1:40When they deactivate, avoidants tend to

1:42take longer to reply to your texts.

1:45Their text gets shorter, less emotional,

1:48more distant, and detached. They might

1:50ask for space or reject all your

1:53attempts at connection. But why am I

1:56explaining this to you guys? Because

1:58before we get into discussing solutions,

2:00we first have to talk about what not to

2:03do. You see, chances are you already

2:06tried snapping your avoidant out of

2:08their deactivation.

2:10I know from my personal experience how

2:13anxietyinducing it can be when your

2:15avoidant partner gets distant or

2:18non-communicative.

2:19You might feel like they're suddenly

2:21slipping away or abandoning you.

2:24Initially, you'll try to keep your panic

2:27in check and remain grounded. However,

2:30you'll also seek some reassurance and

2:33likely text them something like this. Is

2:35everything okay? Are we good? I'm

2:39worried about you. You might also try to

2:42get them to open up by getting chatty.

2:45Here's an example of what I mean. Hey, I

2:48haven't heard from you all day today.

2:50You wouldn't believe what just happened.

2:52My sister scratched her new car in the

2:55parking lot. I was with her when she did

2:57it, and she's blaming me for distracting

3:00her.

3:02We had this crazy fight. Now she's on

3:04the phone with her insurance.

3:07Anyway, I hope you're killing it today.

3:10Kisses. And then their silence might

3:13trigger you even more. So, you try to be

3:16cute and vulnerable. You might text them

3:19something loving like this. Just sew the

3:22sun through the trees and it reminded me

3:24of the way you smile. Thinking of you

3:26and sending you a big hug. Hope your day

3:29is as wonderful as you are. Heart. Or

3:32you might start communicating your

3:34anxiety a little bit by texting a simple

3:37I miss you. And then when their silence,

3:40their distance or continuous request for

3:44more and more space get you even more

3:47riled up. You might become more direct

3:50and request. I've been feeling a bit

3:53anxious lately and I realize I'm craving

3:55a bit more connection. I know you value

3:58your space and I respect that

4:00completely. when you feel available, I'd

4:03really appreciate some quality time with

4:05you. So, if you already tried any of the

4:08approaches I listed here, you need to

4:11buckle up and accept that you're on your

4:14own for now. I know this is hard to

4:17hear. It was really tough for me back

4:19then, too, but understanding this was a

4:22complete game changer in our

4:24relationship. It's what allowed me to

4:26start approaching Gabriel in a way that

4:28would make him open up instead of

4:30pulling away. You see, avoidance are

4:34like puffer fish. They get spooked and

4:37they puff up. When they're deactivated,

4:40it's as though they are in this inflated

4:42state. And when they're like this, all

4:45puffed up, they can't see things

4:47properly. They also don't really know

4:50where they're going. They're kind of

4:52just floating around interpreting

4:55everything that touches them as a

4:58potential threat. I know this sounds

5:01silly, but it is a good metaphor to

5:03explain their illogical behavior. So,

5:06when you ask them, "How do you feel

5:08about me?" They'll say, "I'm not sure."

5:12Where do you see this going? I don't

5:14know. What do you want? I don't know.

5:18That's what you're dealing with here. an

5:21inflated panicked puffer fish. So, you

5:24either need to engage with them in a

5:26very particular way or you simply need

5:29to give them time to deflate. If you

5:32sent any of the above mentioned

5:34messages, anxious inquiries, chatty

5:37texts, loving messages, or direct

5:39requests for more closeness and

5:41connection, you just irritated the

5:43puffed up avoidant more. Even though

5:46these were completely harmless gestures,

5:48the puffer fish avoidant thinks you are

5:51harpoon or a shark. Now they're even

5:55more freaked out and they'll need longer

5:57to deflate. For now, all you can do is

6:00accept that they're all puffed up,

6:02helplessly floating around, unable to

6:05see or choose the direction they're

6:07going. They can't help you. You are on

6:10your own. When I finally understood this

6:13about my avoidant partner, his

6:15deactivation became a whole lot less

6:18anxietyinducing because I knew he was

6:20overreacting and that I didn't need to

6:23take the things he said so seriously.

6:25This is avoidant nature. They get

6:28spooked this way and there's nothing you

6:30can do about it. You need to accept that

6:33when they deactivate, they're not in a

6:36state to give you what you need. That

6:38you are on your own. They're not there

6:40for you, but it doesn't mean they'll be

6:42gone forever. How long does the puffed

6:45up state last? Avoidant deactivation

6:48lasts on average 3 to 7 days. So, it's

6:52really not the end of the world. This is

6:54something I started telling myself and

6:57it really helped me calm down. I'm not

6:59losing him. He didn't change his mind

7:01about me. He's just overreacting for

7:04now, but he'll snap out of it. So, I

7:07need to stop pushing for more because it

7:10will only make this whole ordeal longer.

7:13If you already tried getting your

7:15avoidant partner to engage more in any

7:17of the ways I described in the

7:19beginning, you need to pause this video,

7:22save it for later, subscribe to not miss

7:24any of our future videos, and switch

7:26gears for the next 3 to seven days.

7:29Seriously, one of you needs to remain

7:32levelheaded and it's not going to be

7:34your avoidant since they're currently

7:36aimlessly floating around terrified of

7:39everything that comes close. Let them

7:41deflate in peace. Now, for all of you

7:44guys who haven't tried anything yet, or

7:46for those who already gave your avoidant

7:49at least three days of space, here are

7:51the text messages you can send to get a

7:54response from a deactivated avoidant and

7:58make them communicative. Again, I'll

8:00give you three options, three different

8:02approaches you can try out depending on

8:05your circumstances. Option number one is

8:08to approach the avoidant playfully to

8:11deescalate their overreaction. You can

8:14start with, "So, what is up with you?"

8:17Charlotte Colm's emoji. And wait,

8:21deactivation makes avoidance extra slow.

8:24They might need a full day to respond.

8:26Finally, they might answer by opening up

8:29about whatever it was that kept them

8:31silent. It's also possible you'll be

8:34able to just restart the conversation as

8:37though the deactivation never happened.

8:39In the ideal case scenario, this text

8:42should be enough to get your partner to

8:44start talking to you. But there's also a

8:46possibility that they'll still remain

8:48silent. If you don't get a response for

8:51a day, it shows your avoidant is sulking

8:54about something. That's when you can

8:56simply ask, "Okay, what did I do?" and

9:00wait another hour. And if you still

9:02don't get an answer, follow up by, "Tell

9:04me, I can handle it." And then don't get

9:08defensive when they open up. Acknowledge

9:10their point of view. For example, if

9:13they respond, "I repeatedly asked you

9:16for space, yet you kept on texting me.

9:19You keep on saying you get me, but then

9:21you act as though you don't. I told you

9:24I simply needed time." You reply, "I

9:27panicked. I'm sorry I kept on texting

9:29you." to which they might already say,

9:32"I'm sorry, too." This way, you can have

9:35a healing conversation to help both of

9:37you get over this deactivation. You can

9:40win the avoidance trust, and they can

9:42learn that you are willing to listen and

9:44come their way. It's how you teach an

9:46avoidant you're not their enemy, you're

9:49not the shark, you're not the harpoon,

9:51and that you are willing to adapt to

9:53what they need. But maybe you already

9:56apologize for overloading them multiple

9:58times. Maybe you don't feel like it'd be

10:01fair for them to blame you again. If

10:03this is the case, here is option number

10:06two. Make the avoidant feel like they're

10:08missing out. Think of an activity your

10:12partner enjoys and then go do it on your

10:15own. Take a picture of it and send it to

10:17them. One of my coaching clients went to

10:20a drag race by herself. She texted her

10:22avoidant ex the photo from it and it got

10:25him chatting with her right away. He

10:28felt left out, but also he felt like she

10:31was taking an interest in the things

10:33that interested him. It made him

10:35excited. He kept the conversation going,

10:38and he even made plans to see her. They

10:40were a long-distance couple. So, think

10:42of something your avoidant likes. Go do

10:45it and send them a snapshot. It's much

10:48more likely to generate a response than

10:50any heartfelt, loving message because

10:53actions speak louder than words. But

10:56what if you're getting impatient with

10:57your avoidant partner's deactivations?

11:00What if you're sick and tired of them

11:02pulling away all the time? You wish to

11:04be with someone you could rely on more.

11:07You wish your avoidant partner was more

11:09consistent. Suddenly, in my experience,

11:13setting boundaries with a deactivated

11:15avoidant is a bit pointless. It tends to

11:18make them defensive. They just puff up

11:20more. You can do it when they are more

11:22responsive. That is a much better time

11:25to communicate your needs. A more

11:27effective approach during avoidant

11:29deactivation is to employ option number

11:33three. Uno reverse the avoidant. Here is

11:36what to text. You needing space is

11:39somehow rubbing me up the wrong way. So

11:42I'm going to have to take a step back

11:44myself to figure this out. Just letting

11:47you know. If you think that avoidants

11:50are immune to the feeling of anxiety

11:52that arises after being rejected,

11:55definitely check out this episode of our

11:57podcast next. Here's where Gabriel, a

12:00former avoidance, spills all their

12:02secrets and opens up about their

12:04feelings. Avoidance do get anxious, and

12:07anxiety tends to get people to text

12:10more. You and your avoidant are not that

12:13different. So feel free to be just as

12:17vague about your needs and intentions as

12:19they are. If they want to know how much

12:22space exactly you'd need, they can just

12:25ask. Do you see what I'm doing here?

12:27Giving an avoidant a taste of their own

12:30medicine is often the most effective

12:32wakeup call. Avoidance are blind to

12:34their own behavior. They don't see it

12:36when they're being distant. They'll deny

12:39and tell you you're overreacting.

12:41But if you do the same to them, suddenly

12:45it's all clear as day. Still, keep in

12:48mind avoidance are slower. So if you

12:51don't get a response for a day, it just

12:53means they're still thinking about what

12:55to write. That's just their pace when

12:58they're deactivated. It's not because

13:00you're not enough, not because they

13:02changed their mind about you. It's

13:04because you're still talking to the

13:06inflated puffer fish, somewhat paranoid

13:09and panicked. This is what I started

13:12doing. Instead of taking Gabriel's

13:14deactivation personally and letting it

13:16rile me up, I just started accepting it

13:19as part of his character, something I

13:22didn't like, but was willing to put up

13:25with because I liked other things about

13:27him. So, it seemed worth it. Initially,

13:30I'd just start letting him be more, and

13:32it did stop our conflicts from

13:34escalating, but it also made us move

13:37slower than I'd like. That's when I

13:39started implementing that first approach

13:41of playful check-ins, testing if he'll

13:44bite. Sometimes he would, and we'd end

13:46up first chatting and then even spending

13:48time together. Other times, it would

13:50turn out he was upset about something I

13:53did. We talk about it. I'd listen to him

13:55and acknowledge his point of view. It

13:58also made him more chatty and trusting.

14:00And there were times when I'd actively

14:03make him feel like he was missing out.

14:05He always attempted to play it cool, but

14:08it almost always made him initiate a

14:11meetup. When it comes to this third

14:13approach, I did something like this

14:15after our third breakup. I asked for

14:17space, and I did genuinely use it to

14:19regain my own composure and make sense

14:22of what wasn't working for me. I also

14:25asked for timeouts during our fight.

14:27Sometimes the avoidant approach of

14:29needing space has its merits. There are

14:32moments when it is the most productive

14:34thing to do. It was a mix of all three

14:38approaches that allowed me to gradually

14:40learn how to respond to Gabriel's

14:42deactivation the right way. Once I was

14:45implementing them, I saw immediate

14:47results. He'd respond faster and faster.

14:51Sometimes he would even open up right

14:53away instead of deactivating. I also

14:56made sure to set boundaries with him

14:58when we were on good terms. and he'd

15:00make an effort to respect them, too. You

15:03guys can achieve these results. You can

15:06learn how to handle your avoidant puffer

15:08fish so that they deflate in your hands.

15:12Ultimately, that's what they want and

15:14what they're looking for. It's also

15:16something we can help you with in our

15:19attachment avoidant program. In here, we

15:22explain avoidance in great detail so

15:25that there are no more misunderstandings

15:28that could drive you two apart. We also

15:31give you actionable tips and scripts to

15:33use in your relationship to handle

15:36things differently. For those of you who

15:38are interested, you'll find a link to

15:40attach an avoidant in the description of

15:42this video. If you have any questions,

15:45leave me a comment. Subscribe for more

15:47attachment styles advice from a former

15:49anxious avoidant couple. And thank you

15:52for watching.

16:01>> [music]