5 Ways to Connect With an Avoidant to Bring Them Closer

0:00Human connection is a bit of a mystery.

0:03It's hard to know exactly what makes two

0:05people click, what makes them fall in

0:07love or fight for each other. Maybe

0:10you're at your wit's end. You've done so

0:12much research and tried so many things

0:15to bring your avoidant closer. Yet, he

0:17or she remains just out of reach. Hi

0:20guys, I'm Carolina. My husband used to

0:23be an avoidant and I too was breaking my

0:25head trying to figure out how to bring

0:28him closer. It took us many years and

0:31countless conversations to finally have

0:34the full picture. In this video, I'll

0:36share five simple ways to connect with

0:39an avoidant to bring them closer and

0:41make them remember why they fell in love

0:44with you in the first place. When it

0:45comes to connection, one of our first

0:48instincts when we're trying to get an

0:50avoidant to care more is by being

0:53loving. Sadly, it's often not what they

0:56really want or need. In our effort to

0:59show how much we care or how patient we

1:02are, we have the tendency to get ahead

1:04of ourselves and assume things. But, the

1:06fact that your avoidant partner keeps on

1:09pulling away or acting distant is proof

1:12that you don't fully get him or her. If

1:15you did, you'd understand why they are

1:17acting the way they are. For this very

1:20reason, the first and easiest way to

1:23bring an avoidant closer is by listening

1:25to them. What do I mean by listening? I

1:28mean asking them questions and trying to

1:31understand them instead of just jumping

1:33to fix their problems or them,

1:35especially if they're complaining about

1:37you or your relationship. When Gabriel

1:39would tell me he felt suffocated, my old

1:42instinct was to immediately jump into

1:45defense mode. I'd explain why I wasn't

1:48suffocating him, list all the space I'd

1:50already given him, and try to prove him

1:52wrong. But, that just made him feel more

1:55misunderstood. It turned a moment where

1:58he was being vulnerable about his fears

2:00into a trial where he was the defendant.

2:04When I finally shifted and started

2:06saying, "So, you're saying you feel

2:08suffocated by me." It changed

2:10everything.

2:11You see, most of us, especially

2:14avoidants, move through the world

2:16feeling fundamentally alone and

2:18misunderstood. They spend their lives

2:20bracing themselves against people who

2:22want to change them, fix them, or demand

2:25more from them than they can give. When

2:28you stop trying to correct their

2:30feelings and instead start listening to

2:33them, something incredible happens. You

2:36build a level of connection that is

2:38almost impossible to break. The more you

2:41two understand each other's inner

2:42worlds, the more connection you'll feel.

2:46But, there's a strategic side to this,

2:48too. It makes you irreplaceable. In a

2:51world full of people who will pressure

2:53them, guilt-trip them, or walk away when

2:56things get difficult, you become the one

2:58person who actually clicks with them.

3:01You become the one person who doesn't

3:03make them feel wrong for being who they

3:06are. Why would they ever truly leave

3:09that? The more connection you build

3:11through the simple act of understanding

3:13them, the harder it will be for anyone

3:16else to compete with you. An avoidant

3:19might find someone else to flirt or to

3:21grab dinner with, but they'll never find

3:24someone else who gets them the way you

3:26do. And for an avoidant, that deep

3:29judgement-free understanding is the

3:32rarest and most valuable resource in the

3:35world. Now, I want to be clear.

3:38Endlessly listening to someone else talk

3:40about themselves isn't healthy, nor does

3:43it actually build trust. It just makes

3:46you a sounding board, not a partner.

3:48That's why the second, equally important

3:51way to bring an avoidant closer is by

3:54opening up about yourself. You can

3:57connect with an avoidant by sharing your

3:59own vulnerable thoughts or feelings. You

4:02just have to go about it the right way.

4:05We often think opening up means telling

4:07them how much they've hurt us. We say

4:09things like, "When you don't text me

4:12back for 2 days, it makes me feel so

4:14anxious and unloved." Even though that's

4:16your truth, to an avoidant, that feels

4:19like an attack. They hear it as, "You're

4:22failing. You are a bad partner, and now

4:25you have to fix my feelings." Their

4:27natural response to this type of

4:29communication is to bolt. If you want to

4:32connect with an avoidant on a deeper

4:34level, share something vulnerable while

4:37taking full ownership of that feeling.

4:40So, imagine saying this instead, "I

4:42realized recently that I have this

4:44deep-seated fear of being abandoned. I

4:47don't even know where it fully comes

4:50from, but it's crazy how often it pops

4:52up for me lately."

4:54Notice the difference? You aren't

4:56blaming them for the fear. You aren't

4:58asking them to fix it. You are simply

5:00revealing a part of your inner world.

5:03When you show this kind of emotional

5:05independence, you instantly win their

5:08trust. You're showing them that you're

5:10responsible for your own nervous system.

5:13Paradoxically, this makes them respect

5:15your needs more. They'll stop seeing you

5:18as needy or manipulative because you

5:21aren't using your feelings as a tool to

5:23request things. Avoidants deeply desire

5:26you to be independent, to take ownership

5:28of your needs, rather than just

5:30demanding things from them. The more you

5:33own your vulnerability without making it

5:36their problem to solve, the safer they

5:38feel. And the safer they feel, the more

5:41they'll actually want to take care of

5:43you.

5:44Yes, it's a paradox. The more

5:46responsibility you take for yourself,

5:49the more your avoidant partner will try

5:51to fix these things for you. Until this

5:54day, it still surprises me how this

5:56works. Try it and you'll find out for

5:59yourself. We often think that to get

6:01closer, we have to go deeper. But,

6:04honestly, having deep, vulnerable

6:06conversations all the time can be

6:08exhausting, especially for an avoidant.

6:11That's why it's so important to balance

6:14those moments with a healthy dose of

6:17pure fun. The third powerful way to

6:20connect with an avoidant and bring them

6:22closer is through low-stakes quality

6:25time.

6:26Gabriel and I originally got to know

6:28each other at a party. And interestingly

6:30enough,

6:32when we got back together after our

6:33first breakup, it was at a party, too.

6:37Now, I know what you might be thinking.

6:39People are often terrified to do this.

6:42You might worry that if you allow for

6:44careless activities without attaching

6:46strings or clarifying exactly where you

6:49stand, your avoidant partner will just

6:52take you for granted, or worse, that

6:54they'll put you in the friend zone. But,

6:56in reality, this could not be further

6:58from the truth. It's actually the

7:00constant pushing for seriousness and

7:02commitment that makes an avoidant

7:04believe you're hooked and super serious

7:07about them. When you pivot to just

7:10having fun, bumping into each other,

7:12grabbing a casual coffee, or going to a

7:15concert without making it a big deal, it

7:18shifts your dynamic. It makes the

7:20avoidant feel like you aren't as fixated

7:23on the relationship as they thought you

7:25were. On one hand, they feel an

7:28immediate sense of relief and

7:30reassurance. They think, "Okay, we're on

7:33the same page. He or she is cool with

7:36just playing things by ear and enjoying

7:38the moment." This lowers their defenses

7:41and allows them to actually feel the

7:43chemistry again. On the other hand, a

7:46tiny bit of healthy doubt starts to

7:48creep in. They start to worry, "Wait,

7:51are they really not as serious about me

7:53as I thought? Are they starting to move

7:56on?" This is the sweet spot. Fun quality

8:00time does two things at once. It brings

8:02an avoidant closer by removing the

8:05pressure, and it makes them worry about

8:08losing you at the same time. It's

8:11simple, it's powerful, and most

8:14importantly, it's fun.

8:16While we're on the subject of quality

8:18time, I have to address the elephant in

8:20the room. Something we all do, but are

8:23often not proud to admit.

8:26Most anxious avoidant couples end up

8:28hooking up after a breakup. Sometimes

8:31it's immediately after, other times it's

8:34after weeks or even months of healing

8:37and fixing. In many ways, intimacy is

8:40the final stepping stone to actually

8:43getting back together. This is the

8:45fourth powerful way to connect with an

8:47avoidant and bring them closer. It

8:49usually starts innocently, a lingering

8:52touch on the arm, a long hug, but when

8:55you have genuine chemistry with someone,

8:58it's hard to stop there.

8:59And the truth is, you don't necessarily

9:02need to.

9:03Avoidants often find it much easier to

9:05connect through touch than through

9:07words. Words can be doubted, twisted, or

9:10felt as pressure, but physical closeness

9:13bypasses that defensive mind and goes

9:16straight to their heart. Now, it's vital

9:19that you feel safe before venturing into

9:21this territory, and that you're

9:23comfortable with the current state of

9:25things. Being strictly celibate doesn't

9:28bring an avoidant closer. Connecting

9:30through intimacy does, but a lot of

9:33people worry, "If I sleep with them,

9:35won't I just become a casual hookup?"

9:38The truth of the matter is, if you

9:41already shared a deep emotional bond

9:43with someone, they won't be able to

9:45relate to you as just a casual fling.

9:48The history is already there, whether

9:51they like it or not. That intimacy will

9:53always mean more to them because it's

9:56layered on top of connection you've

9:58already built. For an avoidant, that

10:00physical closeness often acts as the

10:02bridge that allows them to get in touch

10:05with their feelings. To some of you,

10:07hearing this will feel like the green

10:09light you've been waiting for.

10:11For others, the very thought of intimacy

10:14without labels might feel utterly

10:16uncomfortable. Checking in with yourself

10:18and enforcing your own limits is a very,

10:21very healthy thing to do.

10:23It's also the fifth and final effective

10:25way to connect with an avoidant and

10:28bring them closer. What I'm talking

10:30about here is setting boundaries. Often

10:33people try to give an avoidant space

10:36instead of actually communicating a

10:38boundary, hoping that the avoidant will

10:40just get the hint. No, they won't. The

10:44core problem in all relationships is

10:46trust. We all have trust issues.

10:49Avoidants do, and their partners do,

10:51too. When we're afraid to truly trust

10:54our significant other,

10:56we try to influence them indirectly. We

10:59use space as a weapon or a test.

11:03And that is exactly why boundaries often

11:06backfire.

11:07If you want to set a boundary that

11:09actually brings an avoidant closer, it's

11:12important to formulate it as an honest

11:15request. You have to be open,

11:17transparent, and talk about your own

11:19limits. For example, instead of playing

11:22a silent game, you say, "I'm not okay

11:25with the current amount of distance in

11:27our relationship." I see this all the

11:29time with my coaching clients. They set

11:32boundaries not because they've actually

11:34reached a limit, but because they're

11:36trying to provoke a specific response.

11:39For example, after a breakup, you might

11:41say, "I need my things back."

11:44You aren't actually saying it because

11:46you want your sweater. You're saying it

11:48because you want your avoidant ex to

11:50object and say, "No, I'm not ready to

11:53let go."

11:54But they don't know that. They think you

11:56genuinely just want your stuff, so they

11:59say, "Okay."

12:01And that inevitably leaves you feeling

12:03even more hurt and abandoned.

12:06So, how do you set a boundary that

12:08brings an avoidant closer?

12:10You do it the same way we talked about

12:12sharing your feelings. You take full

12:14ownership and simply communicate where

12:17you're at. Try saying, "I feel burnt out

12:20by always having to be the one to

12:22initiate. I really wish you would take

12:25the lead sometimes." Or, "I wish you

12:28were more considerate of my needs and

12:30feelings."

12:31And then,

12:32this is the key, you leave them room to

12:35object, expecting that they will.

12:38Avoidants can be like spoiled children.

12:41They might throw a tantrum or push back

12:43at first, but ultimately, they will

12:45respect and trust you more if you stand

12:48your ground. When they see that you have

12:50a bottom line, they realize you aren't

12:53someone they can just walk over, and

12:55paradoxically, that makes them feel much

12:58safer being close to you.

13:00Connecting with an avoidant isn't about

13:03one grand gesture. It's a multitude of

13:06small, consistent shifts in how you two

13:08interact.

13:10It's a process that takes time, but can

13:13bring back that effortless spark you had

13:15in the very beginning.

13:17I know when you're in the thick of it,

13:19staying calm and emotionally independent

13:22it's easier said than done. It requires

13:24a real transformation in how you view

13:27yourself and your partner. This is

13:30exactly what we help you with in our

13:32Attachment Avoidant program.

13:34We give you step-by-step tools to stop

13:37the cycle of distance and finally build

13:40a secure, loving bond.

13:42If you're ready to stop guessing and

13:44start connecting, click the link in the

13:46description below. And if you want to

13:48know more about what goes on inside an

13:51avoidant's mind, you'll want to watch my

13:53husband's video next.