The Secret That Made My Avoidant Finally Feel Safe With Me

0:00How do you win an avoidance trust and

0:03make them feel safe so that they don't

0:05need to pull away anymore? Much like a

0:08lot of you guys, I fell head over heels

0:11for someone with an avoidant attachment

0:13style. I'll be honest here. From the

0:15first moment we started dating, I knew

0:18this was going to be challenging, but I

0:20didn't realize just how challenging.

0:23Avoidance tests you and push you to your

0:26limit. They pull away only to come back.

0:29One moment you're happily in love, the

0:32next you end up feeling neglected or

0:34abandoned. I used to wonder, what do I

0:38have to do to make my avoidant boyfriend

0:40finally trust me? How can I make him

0:43feel safe so that he just opens up

0:46instead of needing space? Hi guys, I'm

0:49Karolina. together with my formerly

0:51avoided husband, Gabriel, who run this

0:54YouTube channel where we talk about

0:56attachment styles and breakups. In this

0:58video, I'll share a somewhat obvious

1:01secret that made my avoidant partner

1:04finally feel safe with me. If you know

1:07about attachment styles, chances are you

1:10already understand how important and

1:13frustrating the lack of trust is in an

1:16anxious avoidant relationship. Avoidants

1:19struggle with trust. They're protective

1:21of their freedom and quick to see

1:23threats where there are none. They can

1:26also be distant and guarded with their

1:28feelings. This was the case with my then

1:30avoidant boyfriend Gabriel. Deep down,

1:33he didn't trust me. There were many

1:35instances when I'd reassure him, tell

1:38him we're on the same page, that I'm

1:41okay with the pace at which we're going

1:43and that we want the same things. that I

1:46valued independence, too. And I didn't

1:49mind giving him space. But no matter

1:51what I said, he wouldn't believe me.

1:54He'd twist his story and make me feel

1:56insecure until I acted in ways that

1:59confirmed his fears. He'd paint me out

2:02as controlling when I wasn't, then push

2:04that narrative until I became who he was

2:07making me out to be. If you're dating an

2:10avoidant, you know how frustrating it is

2:12when you can see the potential for

2:14things to be good, yet your partner

2:17keeps throwing up roadblock after

2:19roadblock, diminishing your connection,

2:21painting you as needy, and making you

2:24anxious. So, how do you stop it? How do

2:27you make an avoidant finally feel safe

2:30and trust you? The funny thing is, I did

2:33it without realizing it. Shortly after

2:36our third breakup, our relationship

2:38changed. Instead of escalating, our

2:41problems started dying down. I felt more

2:44and more secure. I stopped worrying

2:46about being abandoned and started

2:48feeling relaxed about our future again.

2:51Here's how it happened. When I was stuck

2:53in the anxious mode, I believed Gabriel

2:56and I were meant to be together, and I

2:59had a hard time facing the possibility

3:02of us splitting up. But when he broke up

3:05with me for the third time, it wasn't

3:08this unexpected shock anymore. I saw it

3:10coming. It still broke my heart, but it

3:13also broke my blank trust. Suddenly, I

3:16needed Gabriel to prove himself. I

3:19stopped giving unconditional love and

3:22started setting boundaries. The thing

3:24about trust is that it's a two-way

3:26street. If you don't trust your avoidant

3:29partner, they won't trust you either.

3:32The same goes for safety. If you don't

3:34feel safe with them, they can't feel

3:37safe with you. Connection, love, all

3:40these feelings can only be experienced

3:42in their full extent when they are being

3:45shared. So, how did I turn things

3:48around? The obvious secret was this.

3:51Instead of trying to win his trust, I

3:54focused on building mutual trust between

3:56us. I made it a priority to feel safe

4:00with him. Once I felt relaxed, open and

4:04free to be myself, he followed. Carrying

4:07the whole relationship on your shoulders

4:09while neglecting yourself gets you

4:11nowhere. Love can be blinding and it

4:14blinded me. I became invested in whom I

4:17needed Gabriel to be instead of who he

4:21really was. You can't build trust with

4:23an idea of someone. You have to be

4:26willing to see and accept them the way

4:29they really are. Most avoidance can be

4:32selfish and inconsiderate. Endlessly

4:35forgiving them and letting them walk all

4:37over you doesn't motivate them to trust

4:39you or to change. But standing up for

4:42yourself and putting your needs first

4:45makes you more trustworthy. You're no

4:47longer pretending everything is spying

4:50when it's not. You're being honest. And

4:53honesty invites honesty. So what does

4:56this mean in practice? The first big

4:59shift I made was stopping the habit of

5:02hiding when I was upset. Anxious

5:04partners tend to get upset a lot, but

5:07they mostly do it in a bit of a helpless

5:09way. They can act like a scared toddler

5:12clinging and chasing rather than daring

5:15to be openly angry or disappointed with

5:19their avoidant partner. After our third

5:22breakup, I stopped doing that. I reached

5:24my limit. You see, that year, Gabriel

5:28surprised me for my birthday. He flew

5:31from Austria to Northern Greece, where I

5:33was doing an internship digitizing

5:36historical sites. I was staying in a

5:38small town far away from everything. He

5:41had to first fly, then take a bus, and

5:44then even walk the last stretch just to

5:46show up at my door. It was insanely

5:49romantic. And then a few weeks later, he

5:53broke up with me again. After he did

5:56this, I wasn't just heartbroken. I was

5:59angry and confused. I didn't know what

6:02to believe about him anymore. Normally,

6:04I would have swallowed these feelings.

6:07But not this time. I let him know

6:09exactly how upset I was, even if it hurt

6:12him. I laid it all out in an email to

6:16which he responded right away wanting to

6:19talk. I said no. I didn't trust him and

6:22I needed him to show me he was serious

6:25and he did. He waited. He followed up

6:28and he kept on trying to make peace

6:31until I was ready. Eventually, I agreed

6:34to meet him. I was back home from the

6:36internship at that point. We made up and

6:39got back together right away. I made him

6:41win my trust and by doing it, I also won

6:45his trust and his respect. It made us

6:47both feel safer with one another. The

6:50second big shift was making plans

6:53without him. I stopped waiting around or

6:57asking his opinion first. I booked a

7:00trip to Norway to see the northern

7:01lights with a friend without checking

7:04in. He was a little jealous, but also

7:07impressed. It forced him to plan with me

7:10instead of expecting me to orbit around

7:12him. I became this way in general, not

7:15just when it came to traveling. I'd make

7:18plans for myself without letting him

7:20know. He wanted us to be independent. I

7:23could roll with that. When he would then

7:25check in last minute or ask me what I

7:27was up to, he kept on being surprised.

7:30It forced him to need to plan ahead with

7:32me, which he then began doing again,

7:35which in turn won my trust. I gradually

7:38let my guard down. You can't expect to

7:41make someone feel safe when you yourself

7:43feel worried and safe around them.

7:46Building trust means to be mutual. After

7:49all, it's a feeling between the two of

7:51you. It's a connection, an understanding

7:54both of you need to share. If you're

7:57stuck in a one-sided relationship,

7:59you'll never be able to trust your

8:01partner, and they will never be able to

8:04fully trust you either. The reason

8:06things worked out between me and Gabriel

8:09was not just up to me. He was invested

8:12enough to put in the effort. He cared

8:14enough to be willing to change. This

8:17isn't always the case. Now, not every

8:21avoidant is capable of meeting you

8:24halfway. Some are too self-absorbed, too

8:27scared, or simply not ready for real

8:30intimacy. Not all relationships are

8:33meant to work out. But if there's

8:36potential, you have to risk finding out.

8:39You have to let them prove themselves.

8:41Trust is the only certainty you have in

8:44love. And trust is something you build

8:46over time. You have to let your avoidant

8:49win your trust, too. You also need to

8:52give them a chance to improve things by

8:54communicating it when you're upset about

8:57something. So many of my anxious

8:59coaching clients go from chasing an

9:01avoidant to giving them silent

9:04treatment. You're not dealing with some

9:07scheming, manipulative mastermind.

9:09Avoidance don't know any better. They

9:12don't get that they're hurting you or

9:14that they're gradually pushing you away.

9:17They need your feedback. They need you

9:20to let them win your trust. And that's

9:22how they learn to trust you, too.

9:25Sacrificing your needs and putting on a

9:28happy face will not fool your true love.

9:30If it's meant to be, your partner will

9:33not be able to let go either. Love is a

9:36strong bond. If you truly believe you

9:38met the one, you can take risks with

9:41them. Only once you feel safe with them,

9:44they'll also feel safe with you. This is

9:47the somewhat obvious secret that

9:49transformed my relationship. True love

9:52is mutual. So, what can you do if you're

9:56too scared to speak up or to rock the

9:59boat if you know that it will only make

10:02your avoidant partner pull away even

10:04more? You take it easy and start slowly.

10:07Let them win your trust in a small way.

10:10Transforming an anxious avoidant

10:12relationship is an emotional journey. It

10:15requires both of you to grow

10:17individually and together. You both need

10:20to become more secure in order to be

10:23able to feel safe in your relationship.

10:25If you want to find out how this process

10:27looks like in more detail, it's

10:29something we teach in our attach and

10:32avoid program. We took a deep dive into

10:35our own journey as well as that of our

10:38countless coaching clients and we

10:40developed a method to guide you through

10:42an anxious avoiding relationship

10:45transformation step by step. You start

10:48off by just working on yourself and

10:51building yourself up. Then you gently

10:54test your partner and push them to be

10:56better. We also give you plenty of

10:59reassurance and scripts on what to say

11:02and what to do to get results. If you

11:04want to know more, I'll link attaching

11:06avoidant in the description of this

11:08video. I hope you found this helpful.

11:11Let me know if you have any questions.

11:13And if you're on the lookout for more

11:15advice on attachment styles, subscribe

11:17to our channel. One last thing, you have

11:20more power over your partner than

11:23they're willing to admit. Everybody gets

11:25attached. avoidance do too. On this

11:28positive note, thank you for watching.

11:37[Music]