Full transcript
0:00There's a sentence that avoidants say
0:02when things have gone on too long, when
0:05they've tried and pulled back and tried
0:07again, and somewhere along the way
0:10quietly concluded that it's hopeless.
0:12And that sentence is, "I can't give you
0:15what you need." It lands differently
0:18than anything else they might have said
0:19before. When an avoidant says they need
0:22to work on themselves or that they're
0:24not ready, there's still something open
0:26in it, some possibility that things
0:29might change. But "I can't give you what
0:31you need" feels like a door being locked
0:34from the inside, like a conclusion that
0:36was reached without you.
0:38And the painful thing is, they usually
0:41mean it. They're not saying it to push
0:43you away, they genuinely believe it. In
0:46this video, I want to talk about why
0:48they believe it, what's actually driving
0:50it, and what you can do that changes
0:53things.
0:54And I'll be honest with you, part of
0:56this video is going to be hard to hear.
0:58It was hard for me to hear, too, but it
1:01was also liberating, and it allowed me
1:04to fix things almost overnight. I'm
1:06Carolina, I'm an attachment coach, and I
1:09run this channel together with my
1:10formally avoidant husband, Gabriel. This
1:13is the second video in a two-part
1:15series. The first one is about what
1:17happens when your avoidant says they
1:20need to work on themselves, and if you
1:22haven't watched it yet, I'd start there
1:25because a lot of what I'm going to say
1:27today builds on it. In the last video, I
1:30talked about what happens when anxious
1:32partners focus entirely on their
1:34avoidant, analyzing their patterns,
1:37obsessing over what they need to work
1:39on, trying to fix them directly or
1:41indirectly.
1:43And how, even though it comes from a
1:45real place of love, it ends up making
1:48the avoidant only feel more broken, like
1:50a problem to be solved rather than a
1:52person to be loved. The real turning
1:55point is when you stop only analyzing
1:58them and start admitting that you're
2:00struggling, too. And that's true, that
2:02moment matters enormously. Just
2:05implementing this new mindset will
2:07prevent your relationship problems from
2:09escalating, but it won't automatically
2:11fix everything because there's another
2:14pattern running underneath that also
2:17needs to be named. And when you name it,
2:20something surprising happens, something
2:23that can change the dynamic almost
2:25overnight.
2:26Let me explain. Anxious partners are
2:28caring and attentive. They check in,
2:31they stay close, they notice when
2:33something's off, and they show up for
2:35it. And that care is completely genuine,
2:38it's not an act, but it's also carrying
2:41something else at the same time,
2:44loneliness, fear, the need to know that
2:47everything's okay between you, the need
2:49for reassurance that you're loved. And
2:52all those things are tangled up in the
2:54same gesture, the same text, the same
2:57question, the same reaching out. Both
3:00things are true at once. The love is
3:02real, and the anxiety driving it is also
3:06real. The avoidant feels the full weight
3:09of it, not just the care, but the
3:12unspoken need underneath it, too. They
3:14can sense what isn't being said, even
3:17when they can't always name it. And that
3:20weight, that constant invisible burden
3:23of an unspoken need, is exhausting, even
3:26when the person putting it on them means
3:28nothing but good. So, the first step in
3:31fixing this "I can't give you what you
3:33want" problem is to admit that you
3:36yourself aren't perfect, either. I did
3:39this with Gabriel, and what happened
3:41next, I did not see coming. We were
3:44having one of those conversations about
3:46him, about his patterns, about what was
3:48going on between us. And somewhere in
3:51the middle of it, a memory surfaced, a
3:53very old one. I was in kindergarten, I
3:56had some extra music lessons, and I was
3:59so anxious during them. I kept walking
4:02out to check if my mom was waiting for
4:04me in the corridor, over and over again.
4:07I couldn't settle. I couldn't just trust
4:09that she was there. I told Gabriel the
4:12story. I wasn't sure why it came up, but
4:15it felt connected to who I was then and
4:18to who I still was in some ways. I
4:22admitted that I still carried a lot of
4:24anxiety, that it didn't just go away.
4:27Sharing it felt like handing him
4:29ammunition, like giving him something he
4:31could use against me.
4:33But he had been vulnerable with me, so
4:36it felt only fair. He was kind about it,
4:39a little amused, actually, not in a
4:41cruel way, just in the way you are when
4:43something's both a little funny and very
4:45human. There was no judgment. And the
4:47moment I said it out loud, it felt like
4:50putting down something I had been
4:52carrying for a very, very long time. A
4:55week later, we met up, and Gabriel was
4:58frustrated. He said, "I've been thinking
5:00about what you told me, and I realized
5:02something. You often hover around me and
5:05hint at things instead of just asking
5:07for what you want. You'll ask me how I'm
5:09doing, but it feels like you're needing
5:11something, needing constant contact,
5:13constant reassurance. It feels like I'm
5:16together with that anxious little girl
5:18you described to me, and it's
5:20frustrating, it's annoying. I want to
5:23give you what you want, I just wish
5:25you'd trust me that I do." I want to
5:27pause here for a second because the way
5:29he said this, it wasn't cold, it wasn't
5:32cruel. He was frustrated, yes, but
5:35underneath the frustration was something
5:37else. He was telling me he wanted to
5:39show up for me, he just needed me to let
5:42him. And hearing that made it possible
5:45to actually receive what he was saying
5:48because it was painful. I felt
5:50defensive. I wanted to explain myself,
5:52to justify it, to say that I was just
5:55being caring, but I also couldn't argue
5:58with it. I knew he was right, I had been
6:01caught, and there was no point
6:02pretending otherwise. I felt completely
6:05seen and completely called out at the
6:08same time. So, why do avoidants say, "I
6:10can't give you what you need"? It's not
6:12because they don't want to. Gabriel told
6:15me himself he wanted to give me what I
6:17needed, he just didn't know what it was
6:20because I was never actually telling
6:22him. I was hinting, I was hovering, I
6:25was asking how he was doing
6:27when what I actually needed was to hear
6:29that he loved me and that we were okay.
6:32If you're anything like me, this is the
6:34part where you want to argue back, where
6:36you want to say, "But I do ask, but I do
6:39communicate, but I'm not that bad." I
6:42felt all of that when Gabriel said it to
6:44me, too. The defensiveness came up
6:47immediately, and that reaction makes
6:49complete sense because hinting instead
6:51of asking directly isn't something you
6:53chose consciously, it's something you
6:56learned. At some point in your life,
6:58asking for what you needed directly felt
7:01too risky. Maybe it led to rejection,
7:04maybe it felt like too much to ask,
7:07maybe you learned early that it was
7:08safer to keep your needs small and hope
7:11someone would notice them anyway. Of
7:13course you learned to hint, of course
7:15you learned to hover. It was the most
7:17logical response to what you were
7:19working with all the time.
7:22But here's what it costs you in the
7:24present. The avoidant can feel the gap
7:26between what you're saying and what you
7:28actually mean. They can feel the need
7:31sitting underneath every question, every
7:33check in, every seemingly casual reach
7:36out. And no matter what they give, it
7:39never quite lands because you needed
7:41something specific that was never named,
7:44so nothing they offer fully satisfies
7:46it. They give and give and still feel
7:48like they're failing. First, they might
7:51say they need space, that they need to
7:54work on themselves, that they're not in
7:56the right place for a relationship. And
7:58if nothing changes, it'll become
8:00something more final, "I can't give you
8:03what you need." It's not a rejection,
8:05it's an avoidant running out of road.
8:08And here's what I want you to hold onto.
8:10Understanding this pattern is not about
8:13putting all the blame on you because
8:15that's not true. Avoidants are broken,
8:18they make relationships unnecessarily
8:20difficult, too.
8:21But seeing and admitting your own
8:23contribution is actually the thing that
8:26sets you free because once you can see
8:29it, you can change it. And changing it
8:31is far less scary than living in the
8:34constant fear of being abandoned. After
8:37that conversation with Gabriel,
8:38something shifted in our relationship,
8:41not because I had fixed anything, not
8:43because I had suddenly become a
8:45different person, but because he named
8:47the problem and I had actually heard it.
8:50And that moment of being seen, even
8:53painfully, even uncomfortably, became a
8:56foundation we could both stand on
8:59because now we had language for it. He
9:01could point to it when it happened
9:03again, and I could catch myself in it
9:05rather than defend it. But an even
9:08bigger change came from what I started
9:10doing differently. I started asking for
9:13things directly, not hinting, not
9:15hovering, not wrapping my need in a
9:17question about how he was doing, just
9:19saying, "I'm feeling disconnected, can
9:22we spend some time together tonight?" Or
9:24"I need some reassurance right now.
9:27Can you tell me we're okay?" And I gave
9:30him the option and space to say no. That
9:33part felt terrifying because for an
9:36anxious person, giving someone the
9:38option to say no feels like setting
9:40yourself up for rejection you've been
9:42trying to avoid your whole life. The
9:44hinting, the hovering, it exists
9:47precisely to avoid that moment. If you
9:49never ask directly, you never have to
9:52hear a direct no. But what I discovered
9:55surprised me completely. Giving Gabriel
9:58the option to say no made his yes mean
10:01something. A yes that wasn't pressured
10:04or guilt trip or painfully extracted
10:07through a fog of an unspoken need. It's
10:09kind of a yes that lands differently.
10:12You can feel it. And feeling it, really
10:15feeling it, it quiets your anxiety. And
10:17the other thing I discovered, asking
10:20directly is actually far more effective
10:22at getting you what you want than
10:24hinting ever was. Because people around
10:27you, your partner included, are not mind
10:29readers. They want to show up for you.
10:32Most of the time they genuinely do. They
10:34just need you to trust them enough to
10:37tell them how. When I started trusting
10:39Gabriel enough to ask directly, he
10:41started trusting me enough to open up
10:44more. The dynamic shifted. Not because
10:47one of us had fixed the other, but
10:49because I had finally stopped making him
10:51responsible for something only I could
10:54control and name. So, let's look at the
10:56full picture for a moment. When you are
10:59focused entirely on your partner,
11:01analyzing their patterns, pointing out
11:03what they needed to work on, trying to
11:06fix them, you are making them feel
11:08broken. And that's why your avoidant
11:11might have said that they needed to work
11:13on themselves, that they weren't ready,
11:16that they needed space to figure things
11:17out alone. And at the same time,
11:20underneath all that care and attention,
11:23you were carrying an unspoken need they
11:25could never quite reach. A need that was
11:28never clearly named. Only hovered
11:30around. And that's why avoidants
11:32eventually say, "I can't give you what
11:35you need." Not because they don't want
11:37to, but because they've exhausted
11:39themselves trying to fill something they
11:41could feel but never find. Both things
11:44were asking too much of them. And both
11:47things, it turns out, you can change.
11:50Now, understanding all of this is one
11:53thing. Actually changing these patterns
11:56in real time, when you're anxious, when
11:58you're in it, when every instinct is
12:01telling you to hover and hint and check
12:03in one more time, that's another thing
12:06entirely. In our Attached and Avoidant
12:08program, we'll help you work through
12:10your anxiety so that it stops running
12:13the show. And when it does, something
12:15changes on the other side, too. Your
12:17avoidant starts to believe that they
12:19actually can give you what you need.
12:22That they're not failing you. That there
12:24is a version of this relationship that
12:26works for both of you. That's what we're
12:28working toward together. The link is in
12:31the description. And if you want to
12:33understand everything we talked about
12:35today from the other side, from an
12:37avoidant's perspective, make sure to
12:39watch Gabriel's latest video, "What Your
12:41Fearful Avoidant Ex Is Thinking Right
12:44Now."