Full transcript
0:07[applause]
0:11[applause]
0:13>> Did you know that when we fall in love,
0:17we lose, on average, two close friends?
0:23Are we okay with that?
0:25Romantic love is treated like the finish
0:28line, right? We plan weddings like
0:30military operations, and then honor that
0:32commitment every year with anniversaries
0:35and Valentine's Day.
0:38But if I asked you what day your closest
0:40friendship began,
0:42or how you celebrate it,
0:45could you tell me?
0:48Friendship has been defined as a
0:49voluntary relationship based on mutual
0:52affection.
0:53It is commitment without contracts. It
0:56is pure choice.
0:59And yet, friendship is the one we cancel
1:01on.
1:02It's the one we assume will always just
1:04be there.
1:06But what if I told you that friendship
1:08might actually be better for your mental
1:10health than romance?
1:12A study examining over 20 years of data
1:15found that romantic relationships are
1:17sometimes correlated with more
1:19depressive symptoms.
1:21While friendship is correlated with less
1:24depressive symptoms more consistently.
1:27See?
1:28Friendships tend to have less conflict,
1:30and your best friend is unlikely to
1:32break up with you over how you load the
1:34dishwasher.
1:37And when times get tough, which they
1:39always do,
1:41friendship can be the difference between
1:43crumbling and coping.
1:46Dr. Rebecca Grayber found that strong
1:48best friendships are linked to greater
1:50resilience in crisis, from illness to
1:53heartbreak. And this isn't just true in
1:55adults, it starts early.
1:58Her research found that best friends
2:00equip adolescents with the skills to be
2:02resilient, teaching them to resolve
2:04stress by opening up rather than
2:07shutting down.
2:10And when my world fell apart, it wasn't
2:12a romantic partner who pulled me
2:13through, it was my friends.
2:17See, it was a warm Monday in May, 4 days
2:21before I was set to marry my college
2:23sweetheart of 9 years.
2:26My vows were ready, guests were en
2:28route, and I had just practiced my
2:30father-daughter dance the night before.
2:34I was genuinely over the moon excited.
2:38But that afternoon, I found out that my
2:42special someone was seeing someone else.
2:46I know I had the same reaction.
2:48>> [laughter]
2:49>> So, I called off the wedding, ended the
2:51relationship, and became the proud owner
2:54of two non-refundable tickets to my
2:56honeymoon in Italy.
3:00I was devastated.
3:02But within hours, 13 friends from all
3:06different chapters of my life dropped
3:08everything to be by my side.
3:11They rerouted flights, slept on my
3:13parents' floor,
3:14and began canceling my wedding with a
3:16speed that was both impressive and
3:18terrifying.
3:22Two even flew across the country on a
3:24red-eye to pack up my apartment for me.
3:27And on what would have been my wedding
3:29day, those 13 friends threw me a small
3:32backyard barbecue instead.
3:35We cried, we laughed, and at one point,
3:38I remember looking around and thinking,
3:42"How did I get so lucky?
3:45What had I done right all these years to
3:47have friends like these?"
3:51The day that I was supposed to get
3:52married is still actually one of the
3:53best days of my life.
3:55Not because of romantic love,
3:58but because of the kind of love that
3:59showed up in its place.
4:03We need to shake up the way that we
4:05think about friendship, because right
4:07now, it is dramatically
4:08under-researched.
4:10We've spent decades learning how to make
4:12marriage work, but we barely understand
4:14what makes a friendship last. We have
4:17wedding rings, honeymoons, even couples
4:19therapy,
4:20but almost nothing that celebrates or
4:23protects friendship.
4:26Meanwhile, Oxford anthropologist Robin
4:29Dunbar, who studied friendship for over
4:3130 years, believes that the number and
4:33quality of our friendships is one of the
4:36greatest drivers of our health and
4:38happiness.
4:40So powerful that it is on par with
4:42quitting smoking in its effect on how
4:45long we live.
4:49We say friendship matters, but we don't
4:51fund it, we don't study it, and we
4:52certainly don't prioritize it the way
4:54that we should.
4:56But if you want to truly thrive, you
5:00need to invest in friendship.
5:03Now,
5:04I use the word thrive intentionally.
5:06Resilience is about surviving a storm,
5:08returning to baseline.
5:10But to thrive is to exceed it.
5:14Now, in the months after calling off my
5:16wedding,
5:17I was grieving the life that I thought I
5:20was going to have,
5:21and literally just trying to make it
5:23through each day. I mean, I won't
5:26sugarcoat it for you guys. I was down
5:28bad.
5:31But my friends reminded me who I was
5:34when I just couldn't see it.
5:36And I can't say the healing happened
5:38overnight, but eventually, I was
5:41thriving.
5:44I didn't fully understand it at the
5:45time, but after some reflection and
5:47research, I learned that the most
5:49important investment that I can make is
5:52in the people who make me feel most like
5:54myself.
5:57So,
5:58how do we start investing in friendship?
6:01Well, the same way that we invest in
6:04love.
6:06Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "To have a
6:08friend, you have to be a friend." This
6:11meaning, of course, is timeless, right?
6:13Friendship is reciprocal, and the amount
6:15of effort that you put into being a good
6:17friend is what makes strong connections
6:20last.
6:21I've spoken with doctors and scholars at
6:24the forefront of relationship science.
6:26There are three things that you can
6:28start doing now to actively invest in
6:31friendship and begin reaping the
6:33powerful health benefits that it offers.
6:36Right, the first is to celebrate
6:39rituals.
6:40Rituals are incredibly powerful for
6:43social connection because they foster a
6:45sense of shared identity through
6:47synchronous action, which makes people
6:50feel closer.
6:52And when rituals require any meaningful
6:54investment, whether that be time or
6:56energy, they build loyalty and
6:58commitment among participants.
7:01Now, romance gets rituals baked in, but
7:04the best friendship traditions are built
7:06from scratch.
7:09One of my best friends and I have been
7:11re-gifting each other the same awful
7:14candy corn-scented candle for 11 years.
7:19It started when we were roommates, we
7:20would sneak into each other's bags or
7:23hide it in the shower.
7:25And now, we mail it to each other's
7:26houses and surprise the other with it on
7:29special occasions.
7:31It would have been so easy to let it
7:33fade, but we didn't, and now it's our
7:36thing.
7:38Rituals don't have to be elaborate, they
7:40just have to be consistent.
7:44The second way to invest in friendship
7:47is to go deep.
7:49And in one study, strangers were split
7:51into two groups.
7:53One asked each other 36 deep personal
7:56questions, like, "What is your most
7:59treasured memory?"
8:01While the other group engaged in small
8:02talk, such as describing their favorite
8:04television show.
8:07Now, the strangers who went deep felt
8:09significantly more connected even after
8:12just one conversation.
8:15So,
8:16next time you're catching up with a
8:18friend, go deep.
8:20Ask how they're really doing or what
8:22they're struggling with.
8:24Let them know that you really want to
8:26know what they have to say, and then
8:29just listen.
8:32Think about if a friend did that for
8:34you. How understood would you feel?
8:37And that feeling is the difference
8:38between just catching up and actually
8:41connecting.
8:44Okay, so far, I encourage you to
8:47celebrate rituals and go deep in
8:50conversation.
8:51Now, the third way to invest in
8:53friendship
8:55is to let your friends change.
8:59Now, this is one of the hardest things
9:00to do, because it asks us to loosen our
9:03grip on who we thought someone was.
9:07I mean, think about it. We often want
9:08people to stay exactly as they were when
9:11we first met them. Same opinions, same
9:13habits, same Friday night plans.
9:17Most friendships don't end in big
9:19blowout fights, they fade because one
9:22person changes
9:24and the other just doesn't make space
9:25for it.
9:27But research tells us that friendships
9:29that support identity exploration are
9:32more likely to stand the test of time.
9:35I mean, they're the ones that make space
9:37for the move across the country,
9:40the shift in faith,
9:42the divorce, or the new, demanding
9:46career.
9:48Now, I am guilty of this, too, and I
9:51mean, I am really guilty of this, but I
9:53want you to be honest with me.
9:56How many times have you told yourself,
9:58"Well, they seem busy. I don't want to
10:00bother them."
10:02Or, "Well, they never reach out, so I'm
10:05not going to."
10:08Only to let a relationship that once
10:10meant so much fade.
10:15When I was traveling last year, I met a
10:1734-year-old man who quietly excused
10:20himself from a group dinner to take a
10:22FaceTime call.
10:24And in the distance, I could hear him
10:26making cute coos and calls with a baby.
10:31And when he returned, he said that he
10:33was talking to his best friend's son.
10:36Him and his friend had known each other
10:38since college, and for 15 years they had
10:40the exact same life.
10:44Same bar nights, same tea times, same
10:46inside jokes.
10:48And then, one became a dad.
10:51And his baby was born with special
10:52needs.
10:54The other had just gone through a
10:56breakup and was living on the edge of
10:59spontaneity.
11:01At first, it felt like their worlds
11:03couldn't be more different.
11:06But,
11:07they made space.
11:09The single friend traded a few nights
11:11out for 7:00 a.m. stroller walks. He
11:13texted during doctor's appointments. He
11:15listened without fixing.
11:19And the new dad didn't envy his friend's
11:21freedom.
11:22He celebrated it.
11:26They didn't stay close because they
11:27stayed the same.
11:29They stayed close because they let each
11:31other change
11:33and made the effort to understand how to
11:36still show up for one another.
11:39They knew that to have a friend, you
11:42have to be a friend.
11:47Think about someone in your life who's
11:48evolving. Maybe in a way that feels
11:51unfamiliar or even uncomfortable.
11:54What would it look like to support that
11:56version of them
11:57instead of holding on to the old one?
12:01That kind of love, the flexible kind,
12:04is what makes friendships last.
12:07So,
12:09here is your invitation. If you want to
12:11invest more in friendship,
12:13celebrate rituals, go deep in
12:16conversation,
12:17and let your friends change.
12:23The day that I was supposed to get
12:24married looked nothing like I had
12:26imagined.
12:29But instead, it taught me the lifelong
12:31power of another kind of love.
12:34>> [snorts]
12:35>> The kind that doesn't just help you
12:36heal, but helps you thrive
12:40if you choose to invest in it.
12:46Thank you very, very much.
12:48>> [applause]