Full transcript
0:01[Applause]
0:05it was eight years ago I was living in
0:08the
0:09US and um my husband and my son and I
0:12traveled to China in order to adopt a
0:15little girl she was 18 months old and
0:19living in an
0:20orphanage when we first met her um she
0:24was an amazing little
0:26bundle she was calm quiet
0:30and very
0:31guarded we instantly fell in
0:35love and like all new parents who are um
0:39welcoming a child into their
0:42home uh we had some transition issues we
0:46had some sleepless
0:48nights
0:49okay a lot of sleepless
0:52nights but um we also had some
0:56developmental delays that we were
0:57dealing with and we had expected this
1:01because when children are living in
1:03institutional settings as sometimes
1:06happens um with the help of occupational
1:09therapy and speech therapy developmental
1:12interventions of various kinds uh her
1:15fine motor skills grew her ability to
1:18communicate improved and over time it
1:21seemed that whatever effects that came
1:24from living in an institution in her
1:26early years were
1:28decreasing but but there were some other
1:31behaviors that we were puzzled
1:34by there was screaming that happened in
1:37the night sometimes there were intense
1:40emotional
1:41tantrums and um there was running away
1:45from us that happened during fits of
1:48emotion and we started thinking well
1:50what what else is going
1:52on now our social worker had prepared us
1:56that it's a huge transition for children
1:59um in International Adoption so our
2:02hearts filled with empathy for what it
2:04must be like when a child is taken out
2:06from their only home that they know and
2:09brought to another country to be with
2:12people who are essentially
2:14strangers and are now supposed to be
2:16their parents and their
2:18brother but we also wondered is there
2:22more going
2:23on and here's an example of what
2:26happened um after my maternity Le I
2:30gradually went back to part-time work
2:33and we had uh decided that we were going
2:35to have her at our preschool that my son
2:39had been to was a great loving nurturing
2:42environment the first day that I left
2:44her there I dropped her off and
2:49um I it was hard but I was only going to
2:53be gone for a couple of hours so I
2:56figured it wouldn't be that bad but I
2:58was totally unprepared prepared for what
3:01happened when I came back it was a
3:03subtle thing but it was
3:05powerful see the look in her eyes told
3:08me
3:09everything it wasn't a look when I came
3:12back of happiness that I came
3:15back it wasn't a look of anger that I
3:19had left her there in fact it was this
3:23Eerie look that I can only describe as
3:27surprise she was surprised
3:30that I had come
3:32back and it was as if she had already
3:35determined that I was going to leave her
3:38and I had left her and in fact she was
3:40just moving on with the next part of her
3:43life and in that moment it occurred to
3:47me that it seemed that she had this
3:50unconscious set of survival skills that
3:53she had already learned and she was
3:56using
3:57them so then I started talking to other
4:00adoptive parents and I started finding
4:02out that actually many of them were
4:05dealing with similar kinds of emotional
4:08issues and then I started working with
4:10families of all kinds and parents of all
4:12walks of life and I started hearing
4:16similarities only their children had not
4:19been in
4:21orphanages there was a child whose
4:23parents were working long hours and
4:26their parents put this child with
4:28another family to live there for years
4:31while the parents worked and the child
4:33only saw that the his parents maybe once
4:37every couple of
4:38weeks there were children who were born
4:41in Hong Kong of Mainland mothers and
4:44their mothers had to travel back to the
4:46mainland for immigration reasons and so
4:49the child was left with her father in
4:51Hong Kong and a series of domestic
4:55helpers and they didn't see their
4:57mothers very often
5:01there were children who were victims of
5:02domestic
5:04violence and a parent who was
5:07incarcerated for horrendous domestic
5:10violence and then upon his release from
5:13prison the child was expected to reunite
5:17with the very person who had made their
5:19life so
5:22unsafe and all these children had
5:25similar themes they all had disruptions
5:28in their early
5:31attachment and then I started seeing
5:33patterns in the
5:35children you see there were children who
5:38would zone out because they couldn't
5:41handle the intense painful feelings they
5:43were dealing
5:44with there were children who would get
5:48close to anybody because they never
5:51really learned that there are people
5:53you're supposed to get close to and
5:55people that you're
5:57not and there were kids who were so
6:00emotionally out of control that they
6:02knew no other way to be except to be
6:07difficult and guess what those kids turn
6:11into adults
6:16right but many of them turn into
6:21adults who zone out with alcohol drugs
6:26the internet gambling porn because they
6:30don't know how to deal with the intense
6:32painful feelings they're dealing
6:35with adults who will let themselves get
6:37close to the wrong people because they
6:40never learn to distinguish between
6:42people who are safe and people who are
6:47not and adults who are so emotionally
6:50out of control that they know no other
6:53way to behave except to be
6:58difficult now know I have little
7:00judgment for the parents whose
7:03situations were the origins for these
7:07children they were dealing with
7:09difficult complicated circumstances and
7:11if you ask these parents they would
7:13likely say the reasons they made the
7:15arrangements and the plans that they did
7:18were for the children they would likely
7:20say I did it for her so she would have
7:23better opportunities I did it for him so
7:26he would have a more stable environment
7:30or they would say that they did it for
7:32their own
7:33Survival I had no other choice I did the
7:37best I
7:39could but for the children the questions
7:43they were left with were why was I not
7:49wanted why did they leave
7:52me what was wrong with
7:55me and worse yet were the questions that
7:59they
8:00the questions that they already answered
8:01for themselves and here's how they
8:03answered
8:04them I'm
8:06bad I'm
8:08unlovable I can't trust
8:11others I can't cope the world is not
8:15safe I must be in
8:19control and I'm the worst person in the
8:22world this last one was added by my
8:25daughter who's now nine when she
8:26reviewed my PowerPoint she said mom that
8:29one has to be on there too it's a
8:319-year-old
8:35language now if these parents knew what
8:38kind of scars their children would be
8:40left with from these experiences would
8:43they have chosen the
8:45same I don't know it's not my place to
8:50judge but I can say that parents and
8:53caregivers absolutely need to understand
8:57that a child is not something something
9:00that you check in at the
9:02counter of a long hul flight that you
9:05call Early
9:06Childhood and then you happily hope to
9:09reunite later at a baggage carousel
9:12called harmonious
9:15family and you expect that baggage to
9:17arrive in some pristine condition called
9:21respect and Trust for
9:26parents now some of you are going to say
9:28well Children Are Young young and they
9:30don't remember
9:32anyways but actually that's
9:35incorrect see we know that children do
9:37remember they don't necessarily remember
9:40verbally they can't always tell you what
9:42they remember at a young age however
9:45their bodies do remember and when
9:48children experience these kinds of
9:50attach um attachment disruptions at a
9:53young age it's like their brains get
9:56wired very early on to expect that there
10:00is Threat all around
10:04them and if you intervene early enough
10:08with the right kind of intervention the
10:09good news is that in fact you can change
10:13that
10:15wiring but and and that term is a term
10:18called plasticity it's amazing that the
10:20brain can in fact actually change its
10:22neural wiring over time it's good news
10:25for all of us but wouldn't it be better
10:28if we never had to get there in the
10:30first
10:32place now others of you are going to say
10:34well I had those kind of situations that
10:38stuff happened to me and I'm not like
10:41that and if that's
10:43you then I congratulate you I celebrate
10:48your
10:50resilience it very likely means that you
10:53had a decent prenatal environment to
10:55support your early
10:57development it might mean mean that you
10:59were blessed with an easygoing
11:03temperament it very likely means that
11:06you had at least one safe nurturing
11:11caregiver who looked out for you and
11:14adored
11:15you it might have been a grandparent an
11:19aunt or an uncle a teacher a neighbor a
11:23family
11:25friend you see the research shows that
11:28the presence of at least one attuned
11:32caregiver one adult can make a profound
11:36difference in a child's ability to face
11:39adversity later on in
11:43life take a look at this painting this
11:46is by Mary
11:48cassad what is this mother
11:53doing she's helping this child see
11:57herself
11:59and that's what we need is more people
12:02helping children see themselves here's a
12:06beautiful modern version from
12:11China when I was in the fifth grade I
12:15won the school spelling be you know what
12:18a spelling bee is do they do those in
12:20Hong Kong it's like you get a word an
12:23English word of course and um and if you
12:26spell it correctly then you stay in and
12:29if you get it wrong you're out okay so
12:32the last person who's still standing up
12:34there spelling words correctly is the
12:38winner around that same time I had a
12:41Sunday school teacher named Mara she was
12:44pretty she was smart she was warm and
12:49kind-hearted she had no children and no
12:53parenting experience but she was amazing
12:57so I told Miss Marsha
12:59Miss Marsha I won the school spelling
13:02bee I get to go to the Regionals and she
13:05said oh my goodness I want to come see
13:08you now I didn't really take this
13:12seriously I kind of forgot about it but
13:15I'm up there on stage kind of like I am
13:18now freaked out having to go through
13:20words and the words are getting harder
13:23and harder and I'm managing but they're
13:26getting harder and then I get my next
13:29word and it's
13:33Resurgence okay I'm I'm a fifth grader I
13:36don't have any idea what that word means
13:39and
13:41so I start spelling r e s u
13:50r
13:52g and then I pause cuz I know there's a
13:56vowel but I don't know which vowel it is
14:00a or E A or E what do I
14:03do a nce
14:07e and then if you've ever been in a
14:09spelling be you might recognize this
14:13reply I'm sorry but that's
14:19incorrect my mind starts reeling I'm
14:22embarrassed I'm ashamed I start thinking
14:25about how I should have worked harder
14:27and how my parents are going to be
14:29disappointed in me and unbeknownst to me
14:32Miss Marsha had slipped into the room
14:35and watched the whole thing and she
14:37still got her coat on and she's running
14:40from the back of the room up to me and
14:43as I step off the stage and I'm looking
14:48blank I see her face and she has tears
14:53in her
14:55eyes and she pulls me over into this
14:58side room and she then did the strangest
15:04thing she pulled me in close to
15:08her and she
15:11cried and when she cried I cried
15:16too not because she made me
15:19cry but because she was so attuned to me
15:23that she knew what I was feeling before
15:26I could ever put it into words
15:30now sometimes people say well I can't
15:32read your
15:33mind but you know what at that point
15:37Miss Mara
15:39could and I don't remember anything else
15:42she said that day actually she probably
15:45said something to me like I'm proud of
15:47you you're smart it's going to be okay I
15:51don't remember and actually it doesn't
15:53matter because what she did for me that
15:57day I still feel it in my
16:02bones and so to
16:05conclude if you're one of those children
16:09whose early attachment relationships
16:11were less than
16:13fantastic find your way to healing and
16:15find it soon because the earlier you do
16:19it the more effective it is and if
16:22you're a parent or a caregiver please
16:25understand the vital importance of your
16:28caregiving role
16:29it matters your consistent presence
16:34matters and for all of us how can we be
16:39a Miss
16:43Mara I don't know where you are Miss
16:45Mara but I love you and I thank you
16:49because you gave me a gift of
16:52resilience so please let's all
16:55consider how to be a resilience Builder
16:59because ultimately we were designed to
17:03relate to be connected to one another
17:06and to love and to be
17:09loved thank you
17:19[Music]
17:21[Applause]
17:21[Music]