Full transcript
0:00<b>Okay, let's get started, because God</b>
0:01<b>forbid our morals and</b>
0:02<b>integrity are state dependent.</b>
0:05<b>Okay, so, not gonna lie, we outward</b>
0:08<b>fearful avoidance love</b>
0:09<b>to act like we have morals</b>
0:11<b>and integrity.</b>
0:12<b>And I don't think you'll understand</b>
0:14<b>exactly at what level.</b>
0:16<b>Like, in our head, we are good people.</b>
0:18<b>We are honest.</b>
0:19<b>We are fair.</b>
0:20<b>We are loving.</b>
0:22<b>We are loyal.</b>
0:23<b>We have a lot of empathy.</b>
0:26<b>We don't play games.</b>
0:27<b>You're hearing that?</b>
0:30<b>Yeah, but damn, chill.</b>
0:32<b>I didn't say 24-7, because that stuff is</b>
0:36<b>only true when we are not activated.</b>
0:39<b>Also known as we don't have</b>
0:41<b>real morals and integrity.</b>
0:43<b>And ahh, I also lied.</b>
0:46<b>I'm not a fearful avoidance.</b>
0:48<b>I'm only playing one for this video.</b>
0:52<b>Also, we really do think we</b>
0:54<b>are all those loving things.</b>
0:56<b>We do think we are all that 24-7.</b>
0:59<b>But the truth is that at the moment we</b>
1:03<b>feel pressure, that whole</b>
1:05<b>integrity things becomes</b>
1:07<b>very very flexible for us really quick.</b>
1:11<b>And the f-stop part?</b>
1:13<b>We don't experience it as "damn, I'm</b>
1:16<b>being fake right now.</b>
1:18<b>Damn, I'm a double standard asshole.</b>
1:20<b>Hell no."</b>
1:21<b>We experience it as "yep,</b>
1:24<b>this makes sense for me."</b>
1:26<b>So, what's happening inside us?</b>
1:29<b>Well, the second we feel pressure, our</b>
1:32<b>amygdala flexes as a threat.</b>
1:35<b>But not "oh, this is uncomfortable."</b>
1:39<b>More like "we are about to lose control."</b>
1:42<b>That type of threat.</b>
1:43<b>Like you just stopped your pinky toe on</b>
1:46<b>that annoying square</b>
1:48<b>metal leg of the couch.</b>
1:50<b>That split second where your whole body</b>
1:53<b>tenses, heart races,</b>
1:55<b>because you know pain is coming.</b>
1:58<b>Also known as the body is now activated.</b>
2:02<b>Heart rate up.</b>
2:03<b>Chest tight.</b>
2:04<b>That restless "I need</b>
2:06<b>to fix this now" feeling.</b>
2:08<b>And it is strong.</b>
2:11<b>It feels like our body is going to</b>
2:13<b>explode if we do not act immediately.</b>
2:16<b>Immediately.</b>
2:17<b>And when that hits, our prefrontal cortex</b>
2:21<b>doesn't give a single</b>
2:22<b>flying F about morals</b>
2:23<b>anymore.</b>
2:24<b>It switches to "reduce this</b>
2:27<b>feeling as fast as possible."</b>
2:29<b>Now honestly, that feels like exposure.</b>
2:32<b>Accountability feels</b>
2:34<b>like losing position.</b>
2:35<b>Telling the truth feels like putting our</b>
2:38<b>head on a hot stove.</b>
2:39<b>Or more, like putting ourselves on fire.</b>
2:42<b>Why would we?</b>
2:43<b>So, what do we do?</b>
2:46<b>We think our way out of it.</b>
2:47<b>We twist it.</b>
2:49<b>We justify it.</b>
2:50<b>We reframe it.</b>
2:52<b>We know how to do that.</b>
2:54<b>It's a familiar path.</b>
2:55<b>Literally anything that gives us back</b>
2:57<b>control and lowers that</b>
2:59<b>internal pressure and discomfort.</b>
3:02<b>Like if you have OCD or binge eating.</b>
3:04<b>You know the feeling when</b>
3:06<b>you try not to act on the urge.</b>
3:09<b>When you try not, it's the exact same</b>
3:11<b>feeling we get if we don't act.</b>
3:14<b>And the craziest part,</b>
3:16<b>when we do this, it works.</b>
3:18<b>Because we actually feel better after.</b>
3:21<b>At least in the moment.</b>
3:23<b>So our brain goes, "See?</b>
3:25<b>That was the right move."</b>
3:27<b>But listen, okay?</b>
3:29<b>No matter what the mechanism is behind</b>
3:31<b>anything we do, it is no excuse.</b>
3:34<b>Play the simple.</b>
3:35<b>It is only explanation, that's all of it.</b>
3:39<b>We can stop this if we really want to.</b>
3:43<b>We can.</b>
3:44<b>Is it easy?</b>
3:45<b>No.</b>
3:46<b>Do we see the impact?</b>
3:47<b>Hell yeah.</b>
3:49<b>But are we possessed and</b>
3:50<b>powerless over our own choices?</b>
3:52<b>Absolutely not.</b>
3:54<b>So how it plays out in real time?</b>
3:56<b>So anyway, the truth is</b>
3:58<b>that we will switch up.</b>
4:00<b>Withhold things, twist the situation, say</b>
4:02<b>something that lands sharp AF.</b>
4:04<b>And we know it.</b>
4:06<b>And in our head it's like, "But what else</b>
4:08<b>am I supposed to do?"</b>
4:10<b>Meanwhile, from the outside it's like,</b>
4:14<b>"Bro, you're that ass.</b>
4:15<b>You just said the opposite yesterday and</b>
4:17<b>did the opposite this morning."</b>
4:20<b>And if you call us out on that, you're</b>
4:22<b>the one that's going to</b>
4:23<b>feel like you are losing</b>
4:26<b>your mind.</b>
4:27<b>Because we sure as hell are going to give</b>
4:28<b>you a reaction that makes you question if</b>
4:31<b>you were delusional or not.</b>
4:34<b>The answer is yes in our...</b>
4:36<b>So we will literally go, "What?</b>
4:39<b>What do you mean I'm not like that?"</b>
4:41<b>No, that's not me.</b>
4:42<b>And if you put "documented stand proof"</b>
4:46<b>right in front of our face, that does not</b>
4:50<b>change anything.</b>
4:51<b>It just makes us deny it stronger.</b>
4:54<b>To stay in my role as fearful avoidant, I</b>
4:56<b>want to ask you this.</b>
4:57<b>Please subscribe or I'll feel abandoned</b>
5:00<b>and I might read into that a lot.</b>
5:02<b>Just kidding.</b>
5:03<b>But please do subscribe.</b>
5:05<b>So we deny your</b>
5:07<b>documented proof even stronger.</b>
5:09<b>But sometimes, sometimes, only sometimes,</b>
5:13<b>when you call us out we might go, "Oh,</b>
5:17<b>gosh, you're right.</b>
5:18<b>I've never seen it like that before."</b>
5:20<b>And we act terrified of ourselves.</b>
5:24<b>But then the next morning we act like</b>
5:26<b>that realization never happened.</b>
5:30<b>Because well, it never did happen.</b>
5:33<b>If you ask us.</b>
5:35<b>And sure, we don't sit there thinking,</b>
5:38<b>"I'm going to manipulate this person."</b>
5:41<b>But we do know when a</b>
5:43<b>certain move gives us control.</b>
5:45<b>Oh, yes, we do.</b>
5:47<b>We do feel when we have shifted the</b>
5:49<b>dynamic back in our favor</b>
5:52<b>and we do lean into that.</b>
5:54<b>And then we wrap it in some pretty</b>
5:56<b>explanation so it still</b>
5:58<b>fits the image we have of our</b>
6:00<b>self.</b>
6:01<b>You know that image, our holy image.</b>
6:04<b>And if you don't agree,</b>
6:05<b>the door is right there.</b>
6:07<b>Welcome to justification.</b>
6:10<b>Let's take a walk</b>
6:11<b>through the excuse garden.</b>
6:14<b>We don't say, "I avoided accountability."</b>
6:19<b>We say, "I just needed space.</b>
6:21<b>It was suffocating."</b>
6:23<b>We don't say, "I said</b>
6:26<b>something to hurt them."</b>
6:28<b>We say, "I was just being honest.</b>
6:30<b>Can't I be honest?"</b>
6:32<b>And we will stand on</b>
6:33<b>that until the ego drops.</b>
6:36<b>So with that said, from the outside it</b>
6:39<b>looks like they have no morals.</b>
6:42<b>From the inside it feels like we are just</b>
6:45<b>responding to the situation.</b>
6:47<b>And it's valid.</b>
6:49<b>We will come up with 1 billion excuses</b>
6:52<b>and compare it with</b>
6:52<b>the most ridiculous stuff</b>
6:54<b>you're ever going to hear.</b>
6:57<b>Okay, roleplay time.</b>
6:59<b>Let's roleplay.</b>
7:00<b>I'm the fearful avoidance.</b>
7:02<b>You're my partner.</b>
7:03<b>You go, "Why do you say you're not a liar</b>
7:06<b>when you literally just lied?"</b>
7:09<b>Us?</b>
7:09<b>Oh, okay.</b>
7:10<b>So if a nurse doesn't tell the doctor's</b>
7:12<b>diagnosis to the patient, are</b>
7:15<b>they lying all of the sudden?</b>
7:17<b>And you go, "Bro, it's</b>
7:18<b>literally a policy in the hospital.</b>
7:21<b>You're doing the most."</b>
7:23<b>Us?</b>
7:23<b>What do you mean?</b>
7:25<b>They don't tell the</b>
7:25<b>patient to protect them, right?</b>
7:28<b>I did the same thing.</b>
7:29<b>I was just trying to protect you.</b>
7:31<b>You, please stop talking.</b>
7:34<b>Yeah, you all get the point.</b>
7:36<b>It is giving, "Oh, so I'm a cheater just</b>
7:39<b>because I cheated once?"</b>
7:41<b>Okay, okay.</b>
7:42<b>So does that mean if I use lip-ball, I'm</b>
7:46<b>a makeup artist now?</b>
7:48<b>That's the level.</b>
7:50<b>And still you all sit there asking</b>
7:52<b>yourself why you were second</b>
7:54<b>from going literally insane.</b>
7:56<b>These dynamics, you dated crazy.</b>
7:59<b>That's why you felt crazy.</b>
8:03<b>And this is exactly why it's dangerous.</b>
8:06<b>Because we are not acting out of our</b>
8:08<b>values in those moments whatsoever.</b>
8:11<b>We are acting out of whatever</b>
8:13<b>gives us relief and control.</b>
8:15<b>And then convincing ourselves it aligns</b>
8:19<b>with our values after.</b>
8:21<b>Are the values in the room with us?</b>
8:23<b>Hello?</b>
8:24<b>No, exactly.</b>
8:25<b>That's what I thought.</b>
8:27<b>So all this twisting and justifying where</b>
8:30<b>it can actually lead</b>
8:32<b>to betrayal without you</b>
8:33<b>even knowing, I explained in the video on</b>
8:36<b>the card right here.</b>
8:38<b>So real morals, what do real morals and</b>
8:41<b>integrity actually look like?</b>
8:44<b>Well, it's not what you say when</b>
8:46<b>everything feels good.</b>
8:48<b>It is what stays consistent even when</b>
8:51<b>your system is under pressure.</b>
8:53<b>Like obviously, it's easy as hell to be</b>
8:56<b>honest when telling the</b>
8:58<b>truth doesn't cost you anything.</b>
9:00<b>That's sit back and relax.</b>
9:02<b>It's easy to be loyal when you don't have</b>
9:04<b>a reason to regain control.</b>
9:07<b>It's easy to be kind</b>
9:09<b>when you're not triggered.</b>
9:11<b>But that's not integrity.</b>
9:12<b>That's comfort.</b>
9:14<b>Because integrity is when</b>
9:17<b>your system is screaming,</b>
9:19<b>"Get out! Flip this! Regain control now!"</b>
9:23<b>And you still don't switch up.</b>
9:26<b>And well, that is exactly</b>
9:28<b>where we fold, as you could tell.</b>
9:32<b>Let's look at what we actually do.</b>
9:35<b>We say we value honesty.</b>
9:37<b>But the second the truth might make us</b>
9:40<b>look bad, we start</b>
9:41<b>editing the story real quick.</b>
9:44<b>We say we value</b>
9:45<b>communication and openness.</b>
9:48<b>But the second we feel exposed, we shut</b>
9:51<b>down our dodges, like</b>
9:53<b>our life depends on it.</b>
9:55<b>We say we don't play games.</b>
9:57<b>But the second we feel</b>
9:58<b>like we are losing control,</b>
10:01<b>oh yes, now we're strategizing the whole</b>
10:03<b>world together all of a sudden.</b>
10:06<b>We say we care about the person.</b>
10:09<b>But the second we feel overwhelmed, we</b>
10:12<b>prioritize relief over</b>
10:14<b>them, every single time.</b>
10:17<b>So what we actually</b>
10:18<b>have is not integrity.</b>
10:20<b>We have conditional</b>
10:22<b>behavior based on how safe we feel.</b>
10:25<b>Also known as how much</b>
10:27<b>control we feel we have.</b>
10:29<b>In that moment, we are operating from</b>
10:32<b>survival and nothing else.</b>
10:34<b>And real integrity, it</b>
10:37<b>is boring as hell to us.</b>
10:39<b>Because if you look at</b>
10:40<b>it, it is consistent.</b>
10:42<b>It is predictable.</b>
10:44<b>It does not bend</b>
10:45<b>every time emotion spikes.</b>
10:47<b>And that is exactly</b>
10:48<b>why we struggle with it.</b>
10:50<b>So yeah, it disappears the second our</b>
10:54<b>system feels threatened.</b>
10:56<b>And we don't even clock</b>
10:57<b>it while it's happening.</b>
10:59<b>And if we outward fear for avoidance</b>
11:01<b>don't see that, we're</b>
11:04<b>going to keep thinking,</b>
11:06<b>this is just who I am.</b>
11:08<b>Instead of, this is what</b>
11:10<b>I do when I'm activated.</b>
11:13<b>And those two are very different things.</b>
11:18<b>Obviously, obviously.</b>
11:21<b>And by the way, let's get something</b>
11:24<b>straight real quick.</b>
11:26<b>We do have morals.</b>
11:28<b>Like we know what is right and wrong.</b>
11:30<b>That's not the issue.</b>
11:32<b>The issue is that access to those morals,</b>
11:36<b>it depends on how safe we feel.</b>
11:39<b>Because morals is what you believe.</b>
11:42<b>And integrity is what you</b>
11:44<b>do when it actually matters.</b>
11:48<b>And us?</b>
11:49<b>We got morals in theory.</b>
11:51<b>Yep, really good ones too.</b>
11:54<b>But okay, fine.</b>
11:56<b>The second our system feels threatened,</b>
11:59<b>we start negotiating with them real fast.</b>
12:02<b>Don't get fooled.</b>
12:05<b>And remember, survival for us, image.</b>
12:09<b>Also known as, as long as we don't emit</b>
12:13<b>the lie, we are not a liar.</b>
12:16<b>And let me give you one example.</b>
12:19<b>We care more about not looking like a</b>
12:22<b>cheater than actually not being one.</b>
12:25<b>Which means that if we cheat, oh, you're</b>
12:29<b>not going to hear about that.</b>
12:31<b>Because in our head, if it's</b>
12:33<b>not exposed, it doesn't count.</b>
12:37<b>Welcome to Fearful</b>
12:38<b>Avoidant, LordChing101.</b>
12:40<b>So listen, okay.</b>
12:43<b>I am still in my role</b>
12:44<b>as Fearful Avoidant here.</b>
12:46<b>Who has emotionally</b>
12:47<b>cheated a lie and God knows what.</b>
12:50<b>And would have rather cut her arm off</b>
12:52<b>than ever admitting that.</b>
12:55<b>If you have any type of suspicion about a</b>
12:58<b>lie, about any type of cheating,</b>
13:01<b>about something not adding up, you trust</b>
13:04<b>your body and not us.</b>
13:07<b>Not us.</b>
13:08<b>No matter what we tell</b>
13:09<b>you, especially then.</b>
13:12<b>Because us telling the truth, that's like</b>
13:15<b>putting your hand on a hot</b>
13:17<b>stove, it will not happen.</b>
13:19<b>So listen, okay.</b>
13:21<b>No love.</b>
13:22<b>No dynamic.</b>
13:23<b>Nothing you say or do, or what we said to</b>
13:27<b>you or whatever will ever change that.</b>
13:30<b>The only way that would change is if we</b>
13:33<b>ourselves choose healing.</b>
13:36<b>And with that, stop being an effing liar.</b>