Dismissive Avoidants Don't Actually Miss You (Here's Why)

0:00<b>Today we're opening up the dismissive</b>

0:01<b>avoided operating system real quick.</b>

0:04<b>Because let's be honest, we often think</b>

0:06<b>about dismissive</b>

0:07<b>avoidance as if there are some</b>

0:08<b>mysterious creatures that hatched in a</b>

0:10<b>cave somewhere and came</b>

0:12<b>out allergic to laugh.</b>

0:14<b>But the truth is, a dismissive avoid is</b>

0:16<b>like running a very</b>

0:17<b>advanced internal smoke alarm.</b>

0:20<b>Except, instead of detecting actual</b>

0:22<b>smoke, it detects emotional closeness.</b>

0:26<b>When that alarm goes off, the</b>

0:28<b>bicrosaccent</b>

0:29<b>closeness walks into the room.</b>

0:31<b>At the funniest part, half the time the</b>

0:34<b>dismissive avoider</b>

0:35<b>doesn't even realize that their</b>

0:36<b>own alarm ran off.</b>

0:39<b>So let's quickly recap where this</b>

0:42<b>operating system actually comes from.</b>

0:47<b>Dismissive avoidance kiddos didn't grow</b>

0:49<b>up in homes where</b>

0:50<b>emotions were openly welcomed.</b>

0:53<b>The baseline environment was subtle, but</b>

0:56<b>it taught them a crystal clear lesson.</b>

0:59<b>Feelings are inconvenient, meaning</b>

1:02<b>comfort and dramatic,</b>

1:05<b>crying if unnecessary.</b>

1:09<b>Dependency weakness.</b>

1:11<b>Being human, ah, annoying.</b>

1:14<b>So the kiddos nervous system starts</b>

1:16<b>running an early survival experiment.</b>

1:20<b>And that consists of a couple of steps.</b>

1:23<b>Step 1.</b>

1:24<b>The body sends out distress signals.</b>

1:28<b>This comes straight from the limbic</b>

1:29<b>system, specifically the</b>

1:31<b>amygdala, the brain's threat</b>

1:34<b>detector.</b>

1:35<b>The amygdala fires when a child feels</b>

1:37<b>scared, lonely or overwhelmed.</b>

1:41<b>Step 2.</b>

1:43<b>The child looks for co-regulation.</b>

1:46<b>And the nervous system naturally tries to</b>

1:48<b>use an other human</b>

1:49<b>body to calm down, looking</b>

1:51<b>for things like heart rate sinking,</b>

1:54<b>oxytocin release and</b>

1:56<b>vagus nerve regulation.</b>

1:58<b>But the environment the dismissive</b>

2:00<b>avoidant grew up in that</b>

2:02<b>responded with "Oh, you're</b>

2:04<b>fine.</b>

2:05<b>Stop crying.</b>

2:07<b>Go play."</b>

2:08<b>Well, that's not a big deal.</b>

2:11<b>So the kiddos body's</b>

2:14<b>wiring locks the data.</b>

2:16<b>Remember, these are body</b>

2:18<b>responses, not conscious thoughts.</b>

2:22<b>They are little body learned.</b>

2:24<b>Connection attempts do not work.</b>

2:27<b>And the system goes, alright Beth, if</b>

2:31<b>connection won't regulate me, we will</b>

2:34<b>build a self-regulation</b>

2:36<b>fortress.</b>

2:37<b>And right there, Beth,</b>

2:40<b>dismissive avoidance is born.</b>

2:42<b>So what does the dismissive avoidant</b>

2:46<b>nervous system do next?</b>

2:48<b>It reroutes the entire attachment system,</b>

2:53<b>also known as, instead</b>

2:55<b>of moving toward people</b>

2:56<b>with distress hits, the body learns to</b>

3:00<b>move away from dependency.</b>

3:04<b>This is called attachment deactivation.</b>

3:08<b>It is literally the nervous system</b>

3:10<b>pulling your emotions on airplane mode.</b>

3:14<b>Here's where the</b>

3:15<b>neuroscience gets really interesting.</b>

3:18<b>When attachment distracts activates,</b>

3:21<b>signals rise in the</b>

3:23<b>amygdala and the insula.</b>

3:24<b>That is the brain region that tracks</b>

3:26<b>internal threat and body discomfort.</b>

3:29<b>In a securely attached person, that</b>

3:31<b>signal moves toward co-regulation.</b>

3:35<b>They call someone safe, they talk about</b>

3:37<b>it and they seek closeness.</b>

3:40<b>Or they self-regulate.</b>

3:42<b>To be clear, seeking closeness isn't the</b>

3:45<b>same as dumping your trauma on them.</b>

3:47<b>There's a huge difference.</b>

3:49<b>But the dismissive avoidance nervous</b>

3:51<b>system learns a</b>

3:52<b>completely different move.</b>

3:55<b>Where prefrontal cortex steps in and goes</b>

3:57<b>absolutely the F not.</b>

4:01<b>Because the prefrontal cortex handles</b>

4:03<b>logic, cognitive control</b>

4:05<b>and emotional suppression.</b>

4:08<b>So instead of processing the emotional</b>

4:11<b>signal, it down</b>

4:13<b>regulates the limbic system.</b>

4:16<b>Translation, emotion tries to bubble up</b>

4:19<b>and the thinking brain</b>

4:20<b>puts a heavy lid on that</b>

4:22<b>Dutch oven.</b>

4:23<b>That is why dismissive avoidance</b>

4:25<b>genuinely says stuff like</b>

4:28<b>"I just don't think about</b>

4:30<b>it".</b>

4:32<b>I'm not really an</b>

4:33<b>emotional kind of person.</b>

4:35<b>I'm good on my own.</b>

4:37<b>From the outside it looks like coldness.</b>

4:40<b>Because well, it is.</b>

4:43<b>But from the inside it's more like a</b>

4:45<b>consistent emotional noise cancellation.</b>

4:49<b>Imagine you're putting</b>

4:49<b>your ANC headphones on.</b>

4:52<b>Activate the ANC versus</b>

4:54<b>not having it activated.</b>

4:57<b>Dismissive avoidance have ANC on 24-7.</b>

5:01<b>But yes, they do have attachment needs.</b>

5:04<b>I mean, every human</b>

5:05<b>with a nervous system does.</b>

5:08<b>Because the body literally runs on</b>

5:10<b>connection chemistry,</b>

5:12<b>oxytocin and dopamine, serotonin</b>

5:15<b>and vagus nerve regulation.</b>

5:17<b>So the need never disappears.</b>

5:20<b>The dismissive avoidance system just</b>

5:22<b>reroutes where that energy goes.</b>

5:25<b>Instead of pushing that energy into</b>

5:28<b>closeness, dependency or emotional</b>

5:30<b>reliance, their nervous</b>

5:33<b>system pushes energy into things like</b>

5:35<b>independence, competence, the CEO,</b>

5:39<b>self-sufficiency, achievements.</b>

5:42<b>They become the person who</b>

5:44<b>handles everything alone.</b>

5:46<b>A true lone wolf.</b>

5:48<b>They stay calm in a crisis, solve</b>

5:50<b>problems and manage life well.</b>

5:53<b>Don't need much.</b>

5:55<b>Which looks incredibly impressive until</b>

5:58<b>you realize the nervous</b>

6:00<b>system is operating out</b>

6:01<b>of fear, saying "I will do everything</b>

6:05<b>myself so I never have to</b>

6:07<b>depend on anyone ever again".</b>

6:11<b>There is an important distinction.</b>

6:13<b>Do not mistake for a fearful avoidance,</b>

6:15<b>outward, stubborn ego or</b>

6:17<b>inward fear of failure.</b>

6:19<b>This is pure psychological</b>

6:21<b>nervous system deactivation.</b>

6:24<b>So let's look at how dismissive avoidance</b>

6:26<b>moves in social spaces</b>

6:28<b>before I can dive into</b>

6:30<b>their secret world.</b>

6:32<b>Fun fact.</b>

6:33<b>A lot of dismissive avoidance are</b>

6:35<b>actually very very social.</b>

6:37<b>They can have tons of friends but those</b>

6:39<b>relationships sit in an emotionally</b>

6:42<b>climate controlled distance.</b>

6:45<b>Let me show you.</b>

6:46<b>Hangouts?</b>

6:47<b>Great.</b>

6:48<b>Activities?</b>

6:49<b>Yes please.</b>

6:50<b>Talking about big ideas?</b>

6:52<b>Awesome.</b>

6:53<b>Super light vulnerability?</b>

6:56<b>Eh?</b>

6:57<b>Sometimes fine.</b>

6:58<b>But the moment someone expects the</b>

7:00<b>absolute tiniest amount of</b>

7:01<b>emotional dependency, the</b>

7:04<b>internal alarm system</b>

7:05<b>wakes up immediately.</b>

7:08<b>Their insulate tracks that social threat</b>

7:10<b>and spikes internal discomfort.</b>

7:13<b>And when I say tiny things,</b>

7:16<b>I mean microscopic things.</b>

7:19<b>Like that tiny diamond you bought on a</b>

7:21<b>payment plan that just</b>

7:22<b>got lost on the beach.</b>

7:24<b>Things that seem</b>

7:25<b>completely normal to everyone else.</b>

7:29<b>Some examples.</b>

7:32<b>Many texting for instance.</b>

7:34<b>Someone starts texting</b>

7:35<b>"good morning" every day.</b>

7:37<b>Normal, right?</b>

7:38<b>And I'm talking the most</b>

7:39<b>platonic shit you've ever seen.</b>

7:42<b>To most people that's sweet.</b>

7:44<b>To a dismissive avoidance nervous system,</b>

7:47<b>the intula, versus</b>

7:48<b>something like "this is</b>

7:50<b>becoming a routine expectation" which</b>

7:52<b>their body translates</b>

7:53<b>to dependency forming.</b>

7:57<b>Basic care.</b>

7:59<b>Example number two.</b>

8:01<b>Someone says "someone says something</b>

8:04<b>small, like hey, text</b>

8:05<b>me when you'll get home</b>

8:06<b>so I know that you're safe."</b>

8:08<b>Logically, that's care, right?</b>

8:11<b>Not.</b>

8:12<b>The dismissive avoidance system</b>

8:13<b>interprets it all as</b>

8:15<b>"someone is monitoring me now.</b>

8:19<b>Cue the autonomy alarm."</b>

8:23<b>Now for example.</b>

8:23<b>Simple affection.</b>

8:25<b>A partner casually says "I miss you."</b>

8:28<b>Not even deep, just simple.</b>

8:30<b>But their intula reads it as "this person</b>

8:33<b>is emotionally leaning</b>

8:34<b>on me and now the body</b>

8:36<b>feels a sort of pressure."</b>

8:40<b>Emotional check-ins.</b>

8:41<b>Someone asks "are you okay?</b>

8:44<b>You seem distant."</b>

8:45<b>This activates the threat system fast</b>

8:48<b>because now the nervous</b>

8:49<b>system feels emotionally seen.</b>

8:52<b>And historically</b>

8:53<b>emotional visibility was unsafe.</b>

8:58<b>Future plans.</b>

9:00<b>A partner says "should we</b>

9:02<b>plan a trip maybe next summer?"</b>

9:06<b>I'm not talking marriage</b>

9:07<b>or anything like that here.</b>

9:09<b>Their body detects long-term attachment</b>

9:12<b>formation and the threats circus fire.</b>

9:17<b>Example six.</b>

9:18<b>Consistent emotional availability.</b>

9:20<b>Maybe just wanting to</b>

9:22<b>talk after work every day.</b>

9:24<b>I think you're the Lulu really.</b>

9:27<b>Dream on.</b>

9:28<b>Because that little rhythm can trigger</b>

9:30<b>the internal signal big time.</b>

9:34<b>This person needs</b>

9:34<b>access to me regularly now.</b>

9:38<b>Last example.</b>

9:39<b>Physical proximity.</b>

9:42<b>Even tiny physical closeness changes.</b>

9:45<b>Like a partner starting to linger during</b>

9:47<b>hugs, wanting to cuddle</b>

9:48<b>longer or holding hands</b>

9:50<b>more often.</b>

9:51<b>And again, nothing objectively</b>

9:54<b>threatening is happening.</b>

9:56<b>But the insula is tracking body proximity</b>

9:59<b>and dependency cues.</b>

10:01<b>The key thing to understand is that the</b>

10:04<b>alarm isn't saying</b>

10:05<b>"this person is dangerous".</b>

10:08<b>The alarm is saying "my</b>

10:10<b>autonomy might shrink".</b>

10:13<b>Well, once the insula detects that</b>

10:16<b>discomfort, the prefrontal</b>

10:18<b>cortex jumps in with rational</b>

10:20<b>explanations to restore distance.</b>

10:23<b>I need space.</b>

10:25<b>I'm really busy right now.</b>

10:27<b>I really think we're moving too fast.</b>

10:30<b>Which from the outside is deeply</b>

10:32<b>confusing because the</b>

10:34<b>triggering event looked so extremely</b>

10:36<b>tiny.</b>

10:37<b>Like you just asked to hold their hands</b>

10:39<b>and their nervous system</b>

10:41<b>went alright but that's</b>

10:44<b>what people are dating.</b>

10:46<b>Dismissive avoidance feels like they</b>

10:48<b>stepped on an invisible</b>

10:50<b>landmine because nothing really</b>

10:53<b>happened in the real world.</b>

10:56<b>But inside of them something did happen.</b>

11:00<b>And a massive internal</b>

11:02<b>rebalancing act is just taking place.</b>

11:05<b>Back to independence.</b>

11:09<b>Now if you're listening to this with your</b>

11:10<b>fearful avoidance self and going "wait a</b>

11:13<b>minute am I a</b>

11:16<b>dismissive avoidance maybe?"</b>

11:18<b>Keep watching.</b>

11:19<b>And if you like this content consider a</b>

11:22<b>like or a subscribe.</b>

11:24<b>So back to the question.</b>

11:26<b>Are you a dismissive avoidance?</b>

11:29<b>No you're not.</b>

11:30<b>Relax.</b>

11:31<b>Sit back down.</b>

11:32<b>It's not the same thing</b>

11:33<b>as your fear of impact.</b>

11:35<b>Let me explain.</b>

11:37<b>For the inward fearful avoidance your</b>

11:39<b>body signal isn't about autonomy.</b>

11:41<b>It is about shame and a fear of impact.</b>

11:45<b>Your system whispers</b>

11:45<b>"what if I disappoint them?"</b>

11:48<b>What if I can't give them what I need?</b>

11:52<b>What if they realize "I'm not enough."</b>

11:56<b>Instead of distancing through</b>

11:58<b>independence your nervous</b>

11:59<b>system collapses inward.</b>

12:01<b>It looks like freezing, withdrawing</b>

12:05<b>silently, overthinking,</b>

12:07<b>shutting down emotionally and</b>

12:09<b>disappearing to avoid failure.</b>

12:12<b>The move is "I'm scared I</b>

12:15<b>might hurt or fill you."</b>

12:20<b>For the outward fearful avoidance their</b>

12:22<b>attachment system</b>

12:23<b>activates strongly first.</b>

12:27<b>When someone says something like "I miss</b>

12:29<b>you" their nervous</b>

12:31<b>system initially goes "oh you</b>

12:34<b>see me?</b>

12:35<b>More, more, more, more, more."</b>

12:37<b>But the second they actually start liking</b>

12:40<b>you the anxiety kicks in.</b>

12:43<b>This creates the push-pull pattern.</b>

12:45<b>Their body feels "I want this closeness"</b>

12:48<b>and simultaneously</b>

12:49<b>"this closeness is going</b>

12:51<b>to destroy me."</b>

12:53<b>So their outward reactions look like</b>

12:55<b>getting irritated,</b>

12:57<b>testing the partner, picking a</b>

12:58<b>fight or suddenly</b>

13:00<b>becoming quite critical.</b>

13:02<b>They push away not to regain total</b>

13:05<b>autonomy like a</b>

13:06<b>dismissive avoidance but to protect</b>

13:08<b>themselves against</b>

13:09<b>possible betrayal or abandonment.</b>

13:12<b>So let's simplify the engines.</b>

13:17<b>Dismissive avoidance, alarm,</b>

13:20<b>that's the autonomy threat.</b>

13:22<b>An inward fearful avoidance alarm is</b>

13:24<b>shame, fear of impact.</b>

13:27<b>An outward fearful avoidance alarm is</b>

13:29<b>betrayal or a loss</b>

13:31<b>threat, abandonment threat.</b>

13:33<b>Anyway, back to the dismissive avoidance.</b>

13:36<b>Their nervous system interprets these</b>

13:39<b>signals as "this is getting too close."</b>

13:42<b>Not consciously but psychologically.</b>

13:45<b>So the dismissive avoidance starts doing</b>

13:47<b>classic dismissive avoided things.</b>

13:50<b>They get busy, they need space, they</b>

13:53<b>focus on work, they feel</b>

13:55<b>irritated, they feel numb.</b>

13:58<b>They lose attraction.</b>

14:01<b>And that's actually their nervous system</b>

14:04<b>regulation because</b>

14:06<b>distance restores safety.</b>

14:10<b>Now let's get on with</b>

14:11<b>what happens under the hood.</b>

14:14<b>The beginning of a relationship is</b>

14:17<b>actually perfect for a dismissive</b>

14:19<b>avoidance nervous system.</b>

14:22<b>Early attraction runs heavily on dopamine</b>

14:25<b>and novelty circuits in the brain.</b>

14:28<b>Especially in areas like what is called</b>

14:30<b>the "vental-tech-mental</b>

14:31<b>area" and the "nucleus</b>

14:34<b>accumbens".</b>

14:35<b>They love excitement,</b>

14:37<b>newness and mystery.</b>

14:39<b>Most importantly, early relationships,</b>

14:43<b>something extremely important for</b>

14:45<b>dismissive avoidance</b>

14:46<b>nervous system is distance.</b>

14:49<b>That's what early relationships give, you</b>

14:51<b>aren't fully merged</b>

14:52<b>yet, so they have autonomy</b>

14:54<b>and the system feels perfectly safe.</b>

14:57<b>So a dismissive avoidance can look</b>

14:59<b>incredibly affectionate</b>

15:00<b>and intense in the beginning.</b>

15:03<b>That is just them enjoying that phase</b>

15:05<b>where there is no threat.</b>

15:08<b>But the second the relationship crosses</b>

15:10<b>that invisible line and</b>

15:12<b>the body senses dependency</b>

15:13<b>risk the internal</b>

15:15<b>software hits, abort mission.</b>

15:19<b>Their brain focuses on distance</b>

15:21<b>strategies like they start</b>

15:24<b>focusing on flaws, losing</b>

15:25<b>attraction, wanting more freedom, feeling</b>

15:29<b>trapped and suddenly</b>

15:30<b>prioritizing independence.</b>

15:33<b>And the wildest part?</b>

15:35<b>Many dismissive avoidance genuinely don't</b>

15:37<b>know why this happens.</b>

15:39<b>They just feel like something is off.</b>

15:42<b>They don't analyze it like an inward</b>

15:44<b>fearful avoidance does.</b>

15:46<b>They just believe their feelings are</b>

15:47<b>absolute truths like</b>

15:49<b>believing they have two arms,</b>

15:51<b>no question right?</b>

15:53<b>Ok, so do the dismissive avoidance get</b>

15:56<b>married and have kids?</b>

15:58<b>Yes, all the time actually.</b>

16:01<b>Their nervous system simply finds</b>

16:04<b>structural ways to manage</b>

16:05<b>closeness, choosing highly</b>

16:07<b>independent partners, maintaining lots of</b>

16:10<b>separate space,</b>

16:12<b>focusing heavily on work or</b>

16:14<b>expressing love for practical actions</b>

16:17<b>instead of emotional talk.</b>

16:20<b>And this is not some</b>

16:21<b>romance you are picturing, ok?</b>

16:24<b>This is a woe for</b>

16:25<b>other people, but for them?</b>

16:28<b>Dreamy.</b>

16:29<b>And while many dismissive avoidance</b>

16:31<b>partners deeply love their</b>

16:32<b>children, they really suck</b>

16:36<b>big time at showing it to them.</b>

16:39<b>They provide stability, solve problems</b>

16:42<b>and teach independence,</b>

16:43<b>but the child hears "you</b>

16:45<b>will figure it out yourself" instead of</b>

16:48<b>"I'm here with you".</b>

16:52<b>Now let's expose the part nobody talks</b>

16:55<b>about, the hidden loneliness.</b>

16:57<b>It's not a dramatic crying loneliness,</b>

17:00<b>it's a quiet background hum.</b>

17:04<b>Remember, the human nervous system</b>

17:07<b>evolved around co-regulation.</b>

17:09<b>When two safe people sit together, heart</b>

17:12<b>rates sink, cortisol drops</b>

17:14<b>and the vagus nerve signals</b>

17:16<b>safety.</b>

17:19<b>Dismissive avoidance spent decades</b>

17:20<b>regulating entirely alone,</b>

17:23<b>so while their system adapts</b>

17:25<b>it also leaves a side effect behind,</b>

17:28<b>emotional numbness, difficulty</b>

17:30<b>identifying feelings.</b>

17:33<b>Detachments from life and a</b>

17:34<b>subtle sense of emptiness.</b>

17:37<b>Their nervous system has been running on</b>

17:39<b>reduced emotional volume</b>

17:41<b>for so long that the flat</b>

17:43<b>baseline feels entirely normal to them.</b>

17:47<b>They live life at a</b>

17:48<b>constant neutral emoji phase.</b>

17:52<b>And the weird part?</b>

17:54<b>Many dismissive avoidance don't even</b>

17:56<b>realize what that feeling</b>

17:58<b>is, because the operating</b>

18:00<b>rule running the system</b>

18:02<b>still says "I'm fine on my own".</b>

18:05<b>But every once in a while the attachment</b>

18:08<b>system leaks through</b>

18:10<b>those cracks for a maximum of</b>

18:12<b>30 seconds and usually in moments like</b>

18:15<b>late night loneliness,</b>

18:17<b>unexpected jealousy and</b>

18:18<b>then the nervous system feels something</b>

18:20<b>it spent years</b>

18:21<b>suppressing, which is attachment.</b>

18:26<b>If you have ever wondered what it</b>

18:28<b>actually feels like to live inside a</b>

18:30<b>dismissive avoidance</b>

18:32<b>nervous system, well, imagine having a</b>

18:36<b>fully functioning human</b>

18:38<b>attachment system like oxytocin</b>

18:42<b>circuits, dopamine bonding, pathways,</b>

18:45<b>vagus nerve regulation,</b>

18:47<b>but running on an operating</b>

18:49<b>rule that says "connection is optional</b>

18:52<b>and independence is</b>

18:54<b>survival" and then trying</b>

18:57<b>to build a life in the species that</b>

19:00<b>literally evolved to</b>

19:01<b>regulate through closeness.</b>

19:04<b>It's basically like being born a social</b>

19:06<b>animal while your entire</b>

19:08<b>internal operating system</b>

19:10<b>keeps whispering "you will be safer if</b>

19:13<b>you do everything alone".</b>

19:17<b>It's like making a tiger vegan.</b>

19:21<b>So I feel like throwing in some dark</b>

19:24<b>dismissive avoidance</b>

19:25<b>secrets, so let's go.</b>

19:28<b>Secret number one.</b>

19:30<b>Dismissive avoidance literally never</b>

19:32<b>think about their</b>

19:33<b>partner unless they're in their</b>

19:36<b>face because their brain prioritizes</b>

19:38<b>things like work,</b>

19:40<b>projects, ideas, their own world.</b>

19:43<b>Their partner basically becomes a</b>

19:45<b>painting hanging in the</b>

19:46<b>background in the living room</b>

19:48<b>for them.</b>

19:51<b>Secret two.</b>

19:54<b>They find human needs annoying as hell</b>

19:56<b>and really dramatic and</b>

19:59<b>unnecessary, like really</b>

20:02<b>grow up kind of energy.</b>

20:05<b>Secret three.</b>

20:07<b>If they date someone,</b>

20:09<b>they can move on fast.</b>

20:11<b>Fast, like they switch socks and they</b>

20:13<b>don't give a flying F and Y.</b>

20:17<b>Well, because their system suppresses</b>

20:19<b>attachment signals, they</b>

20:21<b>don't feel loss like others</b>

20:23<b>whatsoever.</b>

20:24<b>For them, they</b>

20:26<b>literally go "okay, I move on".</b>

20:30<b>That's what the numbness does.</b>

20:33<b>Secret four.</b>

20:35<b>Dismissive avoidance are not secretly</b>

20:37<b>suffering 24-7 like</b>

20:40<b>Hollywood likes to make you believe.</b>

20:43<b>Like outward fearful avoidance do behind</b>

20:45<b>their ego, they suffer.</b>

20:48<b>Because dismissive avoidance just run on</b>

20:51<b>a nervous system that</b>

20:52<b>prioritizes autonomy over</b>

20:55<b>emotional fusion.</b>

20:57<b>Secret five.</b>

21:00<b>They cheat to restore autonomy and they</b>

21:02<b>cheat out of boredom and</b>

21:04<b>they cheat to the novelty</b>

21:06<b>and dopamine seeking.</b>

21:07<b>And they are more prone to cheat</b>

21:09<b>physically because well, you</b>

21:12<b>come back to your ass, they're</b>

21:13<b>not going to do all that emotional stuff.</b>

21:18<b>Secret number six.</b>

21:21<b>They stay in relationships longer than</b>

21:23<b>expected, but not out of</b>

21:25<b>passion, but literally just</b>

21:28<b>out of inertia.</b>

21:31<b>Secret number seven.</b>

21:33<b>They locally live in an emotional</b>

21:35<b>numbness state most of</b>

21:37<b>the time, but they never got</b>

21:39<b>that memo.</b>

21:40<b>Like their nervous system has been</b>

21:42<b>running on reduced</b>

21:43<b>emotional volume for so long that</b>

21:46<b>to them that just feels normal.</b>

21:50<b>Like remember earlier when I talked about</b>

21:52<b>their prefrontal cortex</b>

21:54<b>constantly suppressing</b>

21:55<b>signals coming from</b>

21:57<b>the limbic system thing.</b>

22:00<b>Yeah.</b>

22:01<b>Well, if you do that long enough, the</b>

22:02<b>side effect is not just</b>

22:04<b>less distress because it's</b>

22:06<b>also less emotional intensity overall,</b>

22:10<b>like less highs, less</b>

22:11<b>deep lows, less emotional</b>

22:14<b>richness.</b>

22:15<b>So their emotional baseline feels more</b>

22:18<b>like numbers my mantra</b>

22:19<b>instead of living life to</b>

22:22<b>the max.</b>

22:23<b>And the weird part, a lot of dismissive</b>

22:26<b>avoidance genuinely think</b>

22:28<b>everyone experienced life</b>

22:30<b>in that exact same way.</b>

22:33<b>Like when people say, I miss you so much,</b>

22:36<b>or I feel so</b>

22:37<b>connected to you, their brain</b>

22:40<b>goes, bro, what are</b>

22:41<b>you even talking about?</b>

22:43<b>Okay.</b>

22:45<b>Now I'm done for their</b>

22:46<b>inner world for this video.</b>

22:49<b>And if you relate to any of these things</b>

22:51<b>in the video, remember</b>

22:53<b>this dismissive avoidance</b>

22:55<b>is I don't need you</b>

22:56<b>inward fearful avoidance.</b>

22:58<b>I might hurt you or fill</b>

22:59<b>you outward fearful avoidance.</b>

23:02<b>You might hurt me.</b>

23:04<b>It is a big difference what the engine is</b>

23:06<b>and what we do with the body signal, even</b>

23:10<b>though we can react on the same things.</b>