“JE VOULAIS T*ER MA FILLE” : ELLE N’A AUCUN AMOUR POUR SA FILLE (DÉPRESSION POST-PARTUM)

0:00For my son , it was the last straw right

0:01away . I can see myself buying it for my

0:03daughter from the balcony . I wasn't

0:04particularly looking forward to meeting

0:06her . I heard her first cry . Normally ,

0:08you think , " She's fine , but actually ,

0:10uh , it's like I'm hoping she won't cry .

0:12" Actually ,

0:13a baby is really cute .

0:14A baby is really cute , but at that

0:15moment , not mine . I didn't find her

0:17particularly pretty . I was more

0:19interested in my friends ' children than

0:21in my own . When she cried , I wanted to

0:24smother her . In fact , for me , she

0:26wasn't my daughter . I could even see

0:28myself getting into car accidents with

0:29her . I was so unhappy that I didn't

0:32even realize that what I was thinking

0:33was serious . At that moment , I even

0:36understood why some women act out .

0:39And was there a time when you thought I

0:41was capable of killing her ?

0:43Yes , of course . Hello , my name is

0:46Charline , I am 28 years old , I am a

0:47mother of two children and for my

0:49second child , I wanted to hurt her ,

0:51abandon her , make her suffer . It was

0:52postpartum depression . Today ,

0:53everything is better . We are a united

0:55family . I tell you all about people .

1:01Hello everyone . Today , a program on

1:03postpartum depression . We welcome

1:05Charline , who sadly suffered a severe

1:06case of it . She could no longer love

1:08her daughter or recognize her . She

1:10didn't like her smell . She even wanted

1:12to kill her , to get rid of her . When we

1:13talk about postpartum depression , it is

1:15not just a feeling of sadness or tears

1:17like you might experience with the baby

1:18blues , which lasts for a few days or a

1:20few weeks on average . Postpartum

1:21depression lasts longer . So , from 3

1:23weeks onwards , we can talk about

1:25postpartum depression . It should be

1:27noted that it affects 16.7 % of women

1:29after giving birth . So it's not a

1:30marginal phenomenon . However , please , I

1:32ask you to be indulgent with Charline .

1:33Today , she's a good mother , and

1:34fortunately she's come out of it all .

1:36If she has the strength to talk about

1:37it and why she wants to get people

1:38talking , it's because when it happened

1:40to her at the time , she felt very alone

1:41and in fact , she didn't recognize

1:42herself in any of the testimonies . I

1:44hope her story will help you if you

1:45ever go through this . I'll leave you

1:47with the rest of the show . I'm going

1:48back behind the camera . Hello Charline .

1:50Hello Lola .

1:50Today , we're going to talk about

1:51postpartum depression . You're the

1:53mother of two children . Your first son

1:54went very well . And then the second

1:56time , you had severe postpartum

1:58depression , even with thoughts of

2:00murdering your daughter . Personally , I

2:02didn't know that postpartum depression

2:03could go so far . First of all , why did

2:05you want to tell your story ? It is

2:06courageous of you to come here and

2:07explain all this .

2:08I wanted to talk about it to help all

2:10the women who are going through it ,

2:14women who don't know they have

2:15postpartum depression and women who are

2:17in the thick of it and who are ashamed

2:19to talk about it and get help . It's

2:21important . I think that there are many

2:23people who are listening to us who

2:24won't understand what you've been

2:26through . You might get criticized . Had

2:28you ever experienced depression before ?

2:30One , after my father's death . I never

2:33really had any thoughts about it , I

2:36wasn't depressed either , but this time

2:38it was really a descent into hell .

2:42Was everything okay with your first son

2:43? Did you feel that maternal instinct

2:44right away with him ? Yes . Even though

2:47it was an emergency C-section , so it

2:49was quite a complicated delivery . But

2:51right away , right away .

2:52I think that as soon as you found out

2:54about your daughter's pregnancy , you

2:55felt that it wasn't like the first one .

2:57Yeah . At first , I thought maybe it was

3:00a change because I wouldn't be alone

3:02with my son anymore , with my partner .

3:04It's a new life for four . So at first ,

3:07I put that down to that , but in the end

3:09, not at all because it continued

3:11throughout the pregnancy .

3:13It was a pregnancy that was wanted .

3:15Yes , totally wanted . When we had it , we

3:18said to ourselves , why not have a

3:21second child fairly soon because we

3:23like it when they grow up together and

3:26have a real bond . And when we saw him

3:28playing in the park , we said to

3:30ourselves , I need a little brother , a

3:31little sister . And from there , we said

3:33to ourselves , let's start trying . And I

3:35got pregnant pretty quickly .

3:36When you hear the news , are you happy ?

3:38Are you scared ?

3:39When I hear the news , I'm devastated , I

3:42just cry . I want to have an abortion

3:45right away . I look at my son and I

3:47think to myself , " Why am I putting him

3:48through this ? Why am I doing this ? Why

3:51did we do this ? " So , it all went really

3:54badly right away .

3:54How is your boyfriend with you ? Does he

3:56reassure you ? Have you been together

3:57for a long time ? Are things going well ?

3:59Things are

3:59going really well . We've been together

4:01for 4 years . He also wanted this second

4:02child and at the beginning , he

4:04reassured me a lot . So he told me it'll

4:07be fine , we'll make it , he'll be happy .

4:10But I was already feeling so bad at

4:13that point that I didn't want to hear

4:16anything . I didn't want this child at

4:18that point .

4:19How will the rest of the pregnancy go ?

4:21So when I learned I was pregnant , I

4:23wasn't well . Like I just said , I wanted

4:25to have an abortion . It was during the

4:27dating ultrasound where I could hear

4:29the heartbeat that I said to myself , uh

4:30, no , I can't , I can't do this . It was

4:33a wanted child , I can't abort a wanted

4:35child , it makes no sense . And from

4:38there , the pregnancy went badly again .

4:41In fact , all I could do was cry . Uh , as

4:44soon as I had symptoms , I actually

4:46blamed this baby growing inside me . I

4:48didn't take care of my pregnancy . I

4:50meant to carry heavy things on purpose .

4:52I deliberately did things that weren't

4:54really necessary for a pregnancy . And

4:56all along , in fact , I was hoping to

4:58have a miscarriage . I was hoping to get

5:01the diseases that you can get during

5:04pregnancy so that it would go away

5:06naturally . Didn't you have that at all

5:10for your first ?

5:11Not at all . It was a great pregnancy . I

5:15had a great time . I was very happy , and

5:17now for a second pregnancy , I was at

5:19the end of my tether .

5:20What do you feel in your head when you

5:22have those thoughts of carrying heavy

5:23things and wanting to hurt the baby ?

5:25At that moment , there was really

5:27nothing going on in my head . I think I

5:29was already in this bubble of

5:31depression because when you're pregnant

5:34, you can have prenatal depression . It

5:37is a depression you experience while

5:39pregnant . So I was already in that

5:41state of mind , sorry .

5:43How are you going to go in the days

5:45leading up to the birth ?

5:47I have the stress of giving birth that

5:49every woman has when it comes to

5:51contractions . Is the birth going to go

5:53well ? My first birth was a code red , so

5:55there was a bit of pressure . What is a

5:57code red ? It's

5:58the child who could die . So it's an

6:01emergency C-section . So a few days

6:04before the birth , everything was fine .

6:05A little stressed but fine .

6:07And were you looking forward to meeting

6:09your daughter ?

6:10Not particularly . No , not particularly .

6:13I think that throughout my pregnancy , I

6:15was in denial . For me , I wasn't

6:17pregnant . Even when she moved , when I

6:20felt the kicks , I didn't get the

6:22pleasure that we usually get from

6:24feeling our baby , talking to our baby .

6:27I was emotionless . Can

6:29you tell me about the day of the birth ?

6:30So , I gave birth on August 3 , 2025. The

6:33contractions started during the night .

6:35We arrived at the maternity ward . I was

6:38barely open at 2. So they asked me to

6:41walk around the hospital for 1 to 2

6:43hours . But the contractions were

6:45extremely painful , I couldn't stand it .

6:48So they took care of me , they put me in

6:50the delivery room . They gave me an

6:52epidural . Uh , an epidural takes 10-10

6:55minutes to work , but for me it works

6:57right away . So , it's already a huge

6:59relief . And , uh , my partner , when he

7:02sees that I'm in less pain , he starts

7:05to relax himself because he was very

7:07stressed and , uh , he's very present for

7:10me . He reassures me a lot . He gives

7:13news to our loved ones , he says little

7:15notes to me . Are you looking forward

7:16to meeting your daughter at that time

7:18or are you more on autopilot ? Since the

7:20pregnancy didn't go well , I was in

7:22denial the entire pregnancy for me , I

7:24wasn't pregnant . Even when I felt the

7:27kicks , when she moved , I didn't feel

7:29anything . So I wasn't particularly

7:32looking forward to meeting her . I

7:34didn't feel anything . Do

7:36you remember the first time you saw

7:37your daughter ? Yes . So , what you need

7:40to know is that I had asked the

7:42midwives and nursing assistants if I

7:45could put her on my body when her

7:47shoulders came out . So , that's what

7:51happened and I didn't feel anything ,

7:54nothing . Although it was a dream birth ,

7:58I didn't feel anything . I heard her

8:01first cry . Normally , we're moved , we

8:04think " She's fine , a baby crying is

8:06immediately OK , he's fine now , there's

8:09no problem . " But in fact , it's as if I

8:12was hoping she wouldn't create anything

8:14. Then , it's straight to the skin potty

8:18. So for women wanting to breastfeed in

8:22summer , midwives and assistants try to

8:24latch the baby , but again , I feel

8:26nothing at all . Afterwards , I'm still a

8:29bit in my bubble and still a bit under

8:31epidural , so I don't really realize

8:32what's happening . But when a baby is

8:37born , doctors do tests , they make it

8:40walk a little , they measure it and so

8:42on . And I wasn't interested in knowing

8:46all that . I wasn't interested . Luckily

8:49my partner took a video , took a photo

8:50because it gives us memories and now I

8:52can watch it and enjoy it . But at that

8:56time , I had no interest in seeing that .

8:59Do

9:00you recognize her ? Do you look at her

9:01eyes ? Do you see her expression ? A baby

9:04is cute . So for my son , it was a real

9:07shock right away , but for Kiara , for my

9:10daughter , I look at her and I don't

9:13feel anything . We always say , " Oh my

9:16baby , he's so beautiful , my love . " I

9:19didn't find her particularly beautiful .

9:24I found her useless . In fact , I didn't

9:28feel anything . And that's when I

9:31thought even more , " Why did I do that ?

9:34Talk to the doctor , the caregivers ,

9:36your boyfriend about how you felt that

9:38day or not ?

9:39Not right away because I thought maybe

9:41it's the emotions , maybe it's the drop

9:43in hormones that's keeping me from

9:45really realizing it . "

9:46So I talked about it the next day . The

9:48next day . And what did they tell you ?

9:51They told me it was normal because at

9:53the beginning when you're in a state of

9:55crying , questioning everything , it

9:57could be a drop in hormones or a little

9:59baby blues . So at the beginning , it was

10:02normal . So you talked to them about it ,

10:03do you think it's normal ? Uh , how long

10:05did you stay in the maternity ward ?

10:063 days . I had a really hard time with

10:08it . Uh , giving birth , being alone ,

10:11being without my partner , without my

10:13son , it was really hard . And on top of

10:17that , With this new nose that I don't

10:20know , that I don't recognize , I don't

10:22feel anything for her . I try to nurse

10:25her , but it's more of a burden than

10:27anything else . While breastfeeding is

10:29supposed to be a beautiful moment

10:30between mother and baby . Why is it a

10:32burden ?

10:32Because I didn't want her to touch me

10:35and I didn't want to touch her either .

10:38I could see myself leaving the

10:40maternity ward , leaving her in her

10:42little cradle and not turning around .

10:46How does it make you

10:47feel like that ? Do you feel guilty

10:48right away or

10:49not ? For me , she's not my child . For me

10:51, I didn't give birth . I'm so unhappy

10:55that I don't even realize how serious

10:57what I'm thinking is . I don't realize

11:01the extent of things at that moment .

11:04What do you think when you look at your

11:05daughter ?

11:06Nothing . Or maybe negative things . Why

11:10did I do that ? She's going to ruin my

11:12life Life . I was fine with my son and

11:16my partner . Why did we do this stupid

11:18thing ? Why did I ruin my life and my

11:21son's ? I think to myself that she is

11:23just going to ruin it . That's all I

11:26could see at that moment .

11:27What do you want to do to your daughter

11:29in maternity ?

11:31In the maternity ward , when she cries

11:33right away , I want to smother her ,

11:35actually . I want her to shut up . I want

11:39her to die . That way , I can leave the

11:41maternity ward and I'm at peace . I can

11:42get back to my life as it was . But I

11:46could see myself hurting her right from

11:48the maternity ward . My partner was

11:50taking care of her eyes . Yeah , he

11:52couldn't come all the time and her eyes

11:55were sick at that time , so we couldn't

11:58take a sick child to a new nose ward .

12:02So we used to talk on video a lot , but

12:04otherwise he didn't come much . You're

12:07afraid of really Acting out ? I'm

12:10not really afraid of acting out because

12:12when I see myself hurting her , when I

12:14see myself choking her or throwing her

12:17to the ground , it's called impulse

12:19phobias . So there are very few acts out

12:22with impulse phobias . And to explain a

12:24bit what it is , it's as if you leave

12:27your body and you're a spectator of the

12:30scene . So I saw myself throwing her to

12:34the ground , for example . But you

12:37quickly come to your senses anyway .

12:40There are few acts out with this type

12:42of impulse phobia .

12:44What does your partner say about all

12:45this ? At first , he tells me that it's

12:48going to be okay , that we'll manage .

12:50He's very present for me emotionally .

12:54He reassures me a lot , but since I'm in

12:56pain , I just cry , I don't believe him .

12:58For me , I was imposing another child on

13:01IO . For me , I would have more time for

13:04him , for myself , I would neglect him .

13:07Not at all . You just have to find your

13:09rhythm , find an organization . It's

13:12normal at the beginning to be very ,

13:13very present for a newborn . Eio is 2

13:16and a half now , so he's more

13:18independent . But yes , it's true that I

13:20was very afraid that he would take it

13:22badly . Are

13:22you going home ?

13:24Yeah .

13:24And then it's going to get worse .

13:26So , I go home after 3 days and when we

13:28give birth , a few days later , we have a

13:31visit from a midwife to see if the baby

13:33is okay , if the mother is okay . And in

13:37fact , I just cry . I just cry , it's not

13:39going well at all . And the midwife in

13:42question comes several times to check

13:45on my state of health . And she tells me

13:48at first that it's baby blues . So she

13:51tells me verbally that it's the baby

13:53blues , but that if it continues beyond

13:553 weeks to months , we're going to enter

13:58postpartum depression and that we'll

14:00potentially have to do something to get

14:02better .

14:04You tell the midwife everything . You

14:05tell her that you want your daughter to

14:06die and all that . Are you honest ?

14:08Yes , I am honest . You have to be honest

14:11with the medical profession because

14:12otherwise you can't get help . And the

14:16midwife is the best person to talk

14:18about this kind of thing because it's

14:20thanks to her that I was guided for

14:23what happened next .

14:25What do you feel when you look at her

14:26at home too ? Once she grows up .

14:29When I look at her at home , it's just

14:31like at the hospital . I don't feel

14:33anything . Even physically , her smell ,

14:37there's nothing that connects me to her

14:41actually . Even if it's your baby , you

14:43can't smell her and all that , you know

14:45skin . A baby is really cute .

14:47A baby is really cute , but at that time

14:49it wasn't mine . I was more interested

14:51in my friends ' children than in my own .

14:55Uh , I wasn't even paying attention to

14:57her . I mean , I was still going at that

14:59time . And at night , I forgot to put the

15:03safety barrier on her bed . In three

15:06weeks of life , she fell twice . I didn't

15:10even wake up because I didn't have the

15:12hypervigilance of

15:13a

15:14mother that we usually have . She fell

15:18twice and even then I said to myself , I

15:20hope she has after-effects . I hope

15:23there's something on her brain . We have

15:27tiles . So she could have , yes , she

15:29could have had very serious

15:31after-effects on her brain . She could

15:35have died , and at that exact moment , I

15:37did not fully realize what happened .

15:41There was an evening , more In

15:42particular , she just cries and screams

15:44for hours and all I think to myself is ,

15:47“ She’s going to wake up . ” She

15:49needs to be quiet . She’s going to

15:51wake up . Instead of asking myself , “

15:52What’s wrong with her ? ” Maybe she

15:53has a problem . So I go out on the

15:55balcony to get some fresh air with her .

15:59I try to breastfeed her , we try to give

16:01her a bottle . I see myself tossing her

16:05off . We live on the first floor . I see

16:09myself throwing her from the balcony

16:11and shutting the window . Do

16:13you think you would have been able to

16:15do it ?

16:15No. In hindsight , I would say no . But

16:20the day I was in that state of mind , I

16:23could really see myself doing it . I

16:26think that if I hadn’t gotten help ,

16:28something terrible would have happened ,

16:30either to her or to me . And what was

16:34happening was so serious , I didn’t

16:37realize it at the time . That is to say ,

16:42I couldn't even look at my daughter .

16:45She waxed me like a phobia , actually .

16:48She made me anxious . It was a source of

16:51anxiety .

16:52And your partner , he took over to give

16:54her love . He had the paternal instinct

16:56directly with her .

16:57Yes . And fortunately , when I saw him

16:59taking care of her , when I saw him

17:02giving her love , it reassured me a lot .

17:06And I thought , well maybe it will come

17:08over time , maybe it's just that things

17:11aren't going well emotionally . But

17:14fortunately , he was very present for

17:16her . Do you try to go online to see

17:18what's going on inside you ?

17:19I type on the internet on GPT chat , I

17:21look at testimonials , uh , I look at

17:23forums , but in fact , I have the

17:25impression that I have the impression

17:28at this point That was the moment when

17:30I didn't recognize myself . The women

17:33weren't as , uh , serious as mine . So ,

17:37maybe it wasn't the same level of

17:39postpartum depression . And I didn't

17:42find any help in those videos . Once

17:44again , it was my midwife who guided me .

17:47She said that they didn't have the

17:49connection with their baby , that they

17:50couldn't take care of them , but they

17:52still managed to cuddle their baby .

17:55They still managed to look at them .

17:57While I couldn't . So that made me feel

18:02guilty . At that moment , it was really

18:06her , it's like when you hate someone to

18:08the point where you want to hurt them ,

18:11it was the same for her . And again , I

18:14didn't realize it at the time .

18:17And had you ever had violent desires

18:18like that towards other human beings

18:20before in your life ?

18:23No. And that's the most Seriously , I

18:25had these desires for an innocent

18:27little being .

18:29What didn't you like about her ?

18:31I think it was just the fact that she

18:33was there , just the fact that she was

18:35present , that she was at my place .

18:38For you , wasn't she your daughter ? She

18:40didn't belong .

18:41For me , she wasn't my daughter . And

18:43besides , the first few months , I never

18:45said my daughter . I said the little one

18:47. I didn't even say her name . I

18:49couldn't .

18:50How often did you want to do all that

18:52to her , everything you're describing ?

18:53I would say the first two months , it

18:55was all the time . As soon as she cried ,

18:58especially when she cried . When she

19:00slept , I would think , " Oh , she looks

19:02like a little angel asleep . " " But as

19:04soon as she cried , it was a disaster .

19:08It was really at those moments when I

19:10wanted to hurt her . And was there a

19:12moment when you said to yourself , I was

19:14capable of killing her ?

19:15Yes , of course . And I could even see

19:20myself doing it . And at that moment , I

19:24even understood some women who act out .

19:29I understood them .

19:30And did you feel guilty about feeling

19:32that way or was it normal for you ?

19:34No , I felt very guilty about thinking

19:36that because once again , she didn't ask

19:38for anything . We were the ones who made

19:41her . She was a wanted child . She was

19:45just asking for love and I wasn't

19:47giving her any . Were

19:48you aware that it wasn't normal ?

19:49Yes , I was aware of it right away .

19:52That's why I asked for help right away .

19:55I think you're even going to find out

19:57about abandoning her .

19:58Yes , I I asked Chat GPT whether it was

20:00legal to abandon a newborn baby . So you

20:03have to know that in France , no , it is

20:05not legal to abandon a baby in front of

20:07a fire station or something else . It is

20:09completely illegal . And I could see

20:11myself doing that . I could even see

20:13myself causing car accidents with her

20:17on purpose so that either she , or I , or

20:20both of us would leave . My boyfriend ,

20:24what was great was that right away , he

20:27tried to find solutions for Kiara's

20:30well-being , for my well-being . So Kiara

20:34was at my in-laws ' house for 3 months .

20:38Yes , because you're going to be taken

20:40care of , you spent a week in a

20:41psychiatric ward first . Initially , they

20:44refer you to psych . How does it work

20:46there ? It's

20:47very bad . Uh , in an adult psychiatric

20:50ward , there are all sorts of

20:52pathologies . So it could be bipolar ,

20:56schizophrenics , depression , but uh , I

20:59felt out of place because for me , I was

21:03just suffering from postpartum

21:06depression . I was with people who

21:09actually scared me , who were on pills

21:12all day , who were like zombies . And

21:16very quickly , I became anxious because

21:18no , when a woman is suffering from

21:21postpartum depression , it's not her

21:23place . Adult psychiatry . To show how

21:26out of place I felt there and the

21:28extent to which it can be a traumatic

21:30experience . There was uh , a man who was

21:33doing salunas in the hallways . uh , the

21:36same man told me uh , that I looked like

21:38a little girl and he whispered in my

21:40ear uh , that he uh , he wanted to kill

21:42me . So I lock my door every night . You

21:47can lock your door from the inside . The

21:49nurses have the keys from the ex for

21:51the outside . It's scary . It's not a

21:53place for us . I'm all alone in my room

21:57with a private bathroom , but it's not a

21:59bathroom like in a regular ward . I mean

22:02, the mirror is made of Plexiglas , it's

22:04a slightly distorted mirror . There's no

22:07shower head , it's just a button that

22:09you have to press to avoid getting

22:11caught in the hose . So just seeing that

22:16makes you realize where you are . Uh ,

22:23the room is all white , there's nothing ,

22:25there's just a clock ticking , there's

22:27no window , or that opens , I mean . So I

22:30feel completely out of place . And when

22:33I saw the other patients ' condition , I

22:35knew that the pills wouldn't do me any

22:37good either , and I didn't take them

22:40anyway .

22:41Oh , he gave you pills , you

22:42Yeah .

22:43You didn't take them ?

22:44Yeah . He gives out antidepressants and

22:47anti-anxiety meds to keep us sedated .

22:50so that we don't cry , so that we don't

22:52... But when I realized that he wasn't

22:55checking to see if we swallowed the

22:57pills , I spat them out in a tissue .

22:59How are you going to get out of this

23:01hospital ? During the week I was

23:03hospitalized , I saw the psychiatrist

23:05two or three times and in fact he was

23:07the one who told me , " Well , you're

23:09leaving on such and such a day because

23:12you have no business being here . You

23:14need a mother-baby unit . " "

23:16And so before you are transferred to

23:17the emergency mother and baby unit , we

23:19will talk about it later . Your daughter

23:21will be transferred to your in-laws .

23:22Yes .

23:23Uh , with your partner then ? Uh , my

23:26partner stays with me at home with

23:28Kiara . She is 1 month old . When she

23:31leaves the adult psychiatric unit , she

23:33goes to my in-laws for 3 months . So

23:36from 1 month to 4 months ,

23:38and they take good care of her .

23:39Yes , they take good care of her . Well ,

23:41they are my daughter's attachment

23:43figure . As soon as my partner goes

23:46there , she recognizes him , but for her ,

23:48her parents are her grandparents . And

23:51at 4 months , that's when I decide to go

23:53to the hospital as a baby .

23:55So , you will be transferred to the

23:57emergency mother and baby unit . It's

23:59specifically for postpartum depression .

24:01Yes , it's specifically for depression .

24:03postpartum . What you need to know is

24:06that to enter the Mire Bébé

24:08hospitalization , you need to be

24:10referred by a doctor . You need a

24:12document from the doctor who contacts

24:15the hospital in question and then

24:17admissions are made . You'll

24:19stay there 5.5 months . Is it a full

24:22hospitalization or is it just for the

24:25day ?

24:26It is a full hospitalization . For me ,

24:28it was full time .

24:29You get out of your place , with mothers

24:31who are in your situation . Yes , in a

24:33mother-baby unit , mothers are

24:34automatically suffering from postpartum

24:37depression . It is a place specifically

24:39for postpartum depression . You have to

24:42know that there are several degrees of

24:45depression , there are several

24:47difficulties . We did not all have the

24:49same story . For me , it was a total

24:51rejection of my daughter . It was a bond

24:53that was not created . So I went there

24:55when Kiara was 4 months old . We see

24:58psychiatrists every day at the

25:00beginning . We have to talk about our

25:03lives , our childhood , our background ,

25:05our family problems , we have to tell

25:07everything . And , it depends on the

25:11mother , but for my part , I didn't take

25:13care of Kiara at all . The priority when

25:16we get there is the mother's rest

25:18because she suffers from postpartum

25:20depression , because she's tired ,

25:22because she's not feeling well . So ,

25:25we're not immediately put on medication

25:28, not at all . It's not the priority at

25:31the beginning , it's really rest . So I

25:33was in my room , locked in my room from

25:35morning to night at the beginning .

25:37And is it your partner who looks after

25:38your daughter ?

25:39No , my daughter is with me in the

25:41hospital for 5 and a half months . It's

25:44my partner who takes care of my son at

25:46home and I'm in the hospital with her .

25:48And you sleep with her ? How does it go ?

25:51The first few days , the baby is not

25:53with the mother in the room . There are

25:55nurseries . So the baby sleeps in his

25:57little room . And I didn't have Kiara in

26:00my room until she was 5 months old .

26:02They'll get

26:03you used to it , right ? Gradually

26:04reestablish a bond with her . That's it .

26:07How does it work ? What do you actually

26:09do ? It's very

26:12gentle . There's no pressure . There's no

26:16forcing . I mean , at the beginning , I

26:20was in total relay . So it's the nurses

26:22and the assistants who are busy from

26:24morning to night , even at night . And

26:27little by little , if I wanted to , I

26:29could be present during the care . So

26:31whether it's bathing , bottle feeding ,

26:33diapers . They offered me to be present

26:36during a bath and in fact , she was just

26:39urinating and it made me panic . So I

26:41had to leaving the bathroom . But at

26:44first , I didn't care at all . I couldn't

26:47even be there with her in the baby room

26:50.

26:50What state of mind were you in ? Because

26:52that's still the hospital . You are in

26:54the hospital , not at home , and not with

26:55your boyfriend . It's

26:56still the hospital , but it feels like a

26:58ward . It doesn't seem like it at all ,

27:01it remains a psych ward but feels

27:03nothing like psychiatry . So there are

27:06colors , there are nursery rhymes on the

27:08walls , there are drawings . So it really

27:12feels like a maternity ward , and the

27:14baby room is like a little nursery .

27:17Even the rooms didn't feel like a

27:18hospital , so I felt good .

27:20Do you see any change over time ?

27:22Not right away , because it takes time .

27:25But I know that I belong . I know that

27:28I'm understood by the medical staff ,

27:30and especially there are other mothers .

27:33So , uh We share our stories , our fears ,

27:35our anxieties and being surrounded by

27:38women who are going through the same

27:40thing with different difficulties . It

27:44feels good . It feels good . It comforts

27:48us . We support each other a lot .

27:50They are at the same stage as you . They

27:51too , are completely rejecting .

27:53Some mothers are finishing their

27:54hospitalization . There are others who

27:56are in the middle , but it's not

27:58necessarily rejection . There was , uh ,

28:01one mother , it was more anxiety . She

28:04couldn't let go of her baby . It was

28:07constant anxiety . She couldn't take

28:11care of him because she was so stressed

28:12. And her journey , on the other hand ,

28:15was more about teaching him to breathe .

28:19Yes . Because there are different types

28:21of depression . Postpartum in fact . You ,

28:23you had rejection , there are mothers

28:25who have enormous anxiety . There are

28:27There are actually several cases .

28:28Yes , there are lots of symptoms , lots

28:31of different difficulties . It's very

28:34broad . When she was 4 and a half months

28:36old , we started diversifying . So it was

28:39the baby who discovered vegetables . And

28:42I had no patience . I wasn't the one

28:46giving her the spoons , it was a nurse .

28:50But in fact , I had no interest in

28:53watching her . I didn't enjoy seeing my

28:56baby taste carrots for the first time ,

28:59for example . I was bored . I missed

29:02being next to her . When a baby is very

29:06small , you put them on the mat so that

29:08they learn to hold on and so on . I had

29:12no patience . So , I was never with her .

29:16Never . Where was your partner during

29:18those times ?

29:19Well , he continued to work . So when he

29:22wasn't working , he'd visit me at the

29:24hospital where he was . the house with

29:27whom my in-laws looked after him while

29:29he worked .

29:31And one day , you'll have a revelation .

29:33At 7 months old , it clicked for me . But

29:35it wasn't necessarily about her , it was

29:38more about my son because in fact my

29:40partner sent me videos of eyes that

29:43were talking more and more and doing

29:45more and more things . And when I

29:49actually saw this video , I told myself

29:51I have to get better , I have to go home

29:53because while I'm here , I'm missing out

29:55on a lot of things about eye

29:56development and it made a revelation

29:58for me . I don't know how to explain it

30:03but it unblocked me with her . Little by

30:07little , I was able to create a bond

30:09with my daughter , but it happened

30:10gradually . That is to say , the bond

30:13started to form when she was 7 months

30:15old . And in the meantime , the nurses

30:19were asking me to I took care of her

30:22here and there , with her diaper , her

30:24bottle , her bath . And at that moment ,

30:28when things started to unblock , I

30:30started to enjoy being with her . I

30:32started to find her beautiful . I

30:34started to caress her face . I had never

30:37kissed her before . One evening , as I

30:39was giving birth , I kissed her on the

30:41forehead . That's when I said to myself ,

30:45" This is my baby . " And that's when I

30:48was able to imagine a life as a family

30:50of four with her .

30:52Now , you've been out of that center for

30:543 months now . That's very recent .

30:56That's it , you have a happy family life

30:58and you've finally accepted your

31:00daughter . I've

31:01finally accepted my daughter . I can say

31:03that I love her . I can't see myself

31:05without her . I can't see myself without

31:07my son either , of course . But it's been

31:10a very tough journey , it's been very

31:12tiring , it's been very complicated

31:14emotionally and now the four of us have

31:16a good rhythm . We're well organized and

31:20seeing my two children play and laugh

31:22together is the best thing ever .

31:25Especially now that she's grown up ,

31:26she's almost 1 year old . Do

31:27you want to hurt her anymore ? It's

31:28unthinkable that I'd hurt her . Now ,

31:31when she cries , I have much more

31:33patience than I had before . Uh , I'm

31:37doing better because the Mè bébé

31:39unit has helped me a lot . I'm more

31:42tolerant too . I enjoy being with her .

31:46If she cries , I enjoy comforting her .

31:49Uh , everything is fun now . It's like

31:52sometimes in the case of Dine Grossesse

31:54, I know that we had Lisa on our

31:55channel , she had one and it took her

31:57more than 8 months to love her daughter

31:59, almost the time of the pregnancy .

32:00Well , pregnancy is a bit more

32:01complicated because you find out you're

32:06pregnant at the last minute . So it's

32:09really hard psychologically . But denial

32:11of pregnancy doesn't mean postpartum

32:13depression either . There are women who

32:15manage to accept their baby right away ,

32:17even though they find out they're

32:18pregnant on the day they give birth .

32:21Postpartum depression affects all women

32:23. In some cases , even men who suffer

32:26from depression . It shouldn't be

32:28ignored either . No type of postpartum

32:31depression is negligible . Whether it's

32:34a woman who cries because she's

32:36questioning everything or a woman who

32:38rejects her baby , postpartum depression

32:41needs to be addressed . We shouldn't be

32:44left alone . Above all , we shouldn't be

32:47ashamed . There are a lot of women in

32:48the world who suffer from postpartum

32:50depression for years without knowing it

32:52. There are women who are aware of it

32:54but are ashamed to talk about it

32:56because they're ashamed of being judged

32:58. They are ashamed that they are not

33:01understood . They need to talk to a

33:03psychologist . There are places where

33:06you can get guidance and help .

33:10Depression , whether it is postpartum or

33:12depression in general , cannot be cured .

33:15It can be treated but it is not cured .

33:18So just because I left the mother and

33:20baby unit doesn't mean I am better , I

33:22am better , that's a fact , but the

33:24depression is still there . So

33:26outpatient follow-up is very important .

33:29Are

33:30you still going to see a psychologist ?

33:32Yes , I have my psychologist and my

33:35psychiatrist . Yeah , can

33:36it come back

33:37then ? Yes , it can come back . That's why

33:40you need to have regular follow-ups .

33:42You mustn't miss appointments and you

33:44must tell the truth . Above all , you

33:46must tell the doctor everything you

33:48think and everything you feel . You

33:49mustn't hide anything . Because if you

33:51think , for example : " I'll make her

33:53believe I'm better so the sessions will

33:55end . " Well , that's the best way to fall

33:57back .

33:58You can talk to your daughter about it

33:59later .

33:59I wrote during this process , I wrote in

34:02a little notebook where I addressed her

34:05directly . And of course , when she's old

34:08enough to understand or old enough to

34:10be a mother or whatever , I'll explain

34:12this story to her because it's part of

34:14both of our stories . I was ashamed of

34:17it for a long time . I didn't talk about

34:20it much around me , but today that's no

34:22longer the case . That's why I'm here .

34:24And of course , I'll talk to her about

34:25it . I'll tell her the whole truth . It's

34:27brave of you to come and tell all this

34:29because not everyone would dare to say

34:30what you said . You felt very alone , in

34:33fact , and you couldn't find a testimony

34:34as powerful as yours . That's it .

34:36If I'm here today , it's really to show

34:38women who are going through this that

34:40they're not alone . There are different

34:42degrees of postpartum depression , but

34:44they're not alone .

34:46There has to be a reason .

34:48No , there's no specific reason . I mean ,

34:52you can have had depressive episodes

34:54before and not have postpartum

34:56depression . And conversely , you can be

35:00doing very well in your life and then

35:01when you give birth , you have

35:03postpartum depression . Also , having 1 ,

35:062 , or 3 children who are doing well

35:08doesn't mean you won't have issues with

35:11the 4th . It can happen with the first ,

35:13but it can happen with the 10th .

35:14And in your case , it's because you were

35:16actually afraid of abandoning your son .

35:19Yes , as I told my psychologist when I

35:22was with Kiara , I felt like I was being

35:25unfaithful to my son . I felt like I was

35:29betraying him . So I was actually afraid

35:32that he would feel less loved . I was

35:35afraid that our relationship would

35:37change and I was afraid that he would

35:39think that since he was still very

35:40young , I was afraid that he would think

35:43that it was because of her , because of

35:45Kira , that Mommy had a little less time

35:47for him . I was away for 5 and a half

35:49months . I was in the hospital but I had

35:53leave . So I would come home quite often

35:56to see my son , to see my partner . I

35:59would come home with Kiara . It was

36:01leave for 24 , 48 or 72 hours . So I

36:06still saw him , so of course , I wasn't

36:08there for almost 5 and a half months ,

36:10but now I am there for both . I love

36:13them both equally . And when they say

36:17that love multiplies , love multiplies .

36:21This whole year has been very hard for

36:22my partner and for me , and for the

36:24children too . We shouldn't neglect the

36:27children's feelings . But with my cousin

36:29, it has brought us closer than ever .

36:31He was extremely present for me . I

36:34think that if he hadn't been there , I

36:36wouldn't be here with you , Lola . I

36:38think that if I hadn't had my friends

36:40around me either . Today , at 2 and a

36:44half , he will soon start school . Kiara

36:48is almost 1 , she'll be walking soon . A

36:52few months ago , when I saw Kiara's

36:54development , I didn't find it very

36:56interesting . But now , she's just waving

37:00her hands . I'm going to be all gaga .

37:02You've

37:03become that loving , bouncy mother again

37:04. Yeah , they’re my two little babies ;

37:07they'll be my life forever . I don't

37:10regret my daughter or my son for

37:12anything in the world , and I don't

37:15regret what happened either because it

37:17wasn't my fault . Depression is an

37:20illness , you shouldn't blame yourself .

37:22You shouldn't feel guilty . That was the

37:25case for me , and the doctors who

37:26treated me told me over and over again

37:28that it's an illness . You shouldn't

37:31feel guilty about being sick . So when I

37:33think about all that , I just tell

37:36myself that it's part of our story ,

37:38hers and mine , and that we came out of

37:40it much stronger . And right now , uh ,

37:44it's my life , my children are my life .

37:47Thank you Charline .

37:48Thank you Lola .