Full transcript
0:00I
0:02This is what changed my life. This is
0:04what changed my [laughter] life.
0:08>> Were these like human figures or were
0:10they
0:11were they entities?
0:12>> I felt this presence right here.
0:16And it was angry. Like it was pissed.
0:23>> Welcome to Ayahuasca Stories by Plant
0:25Medicine Global, a podcast about real
0:27journeys
0:28with one of the most powerful plant
0:30medicines on Earth.
0:32Each episode we hear the story of one
0:33ceremony that changed somebody's life.
0:36I'm your host John, and today we're
0:37going to be speaking to Charlotte, who's
0:38going to talk about one ceremony that
0:40had a profound impact on her life.
0:42Welcome, Charlotte.
0:43>> Thanks, John.
0:45>> Now, before we go into the ceremony, can
0:47you tell us a little bit of what your
0:48life was like before Ayahuasca?
0:51>> Yeah, what was it before Ayahuasca?
0:56I was stuck in loops, to be honest with
1:00you, and I didn't realize that until I
1:03had sat with Ayahuasca.
1:05Um
1:08I grew up
1:10kind of
1:12an absent father, a mother that was
1:14quite stressed, big household as such,
1:16small house that we lived in,
1:18lots of people,
1:20my brothers and sisters and things like
1:21that.
1:22Um
1:24and I left when I was quite early. I I
1:26left when I was 17 years old.
1:29And um
1:31I went through college, uni, things like
1:33that.
1:34Um
1:35but mentally I'd been suffering with
1:38depression quite a lot. Um I managed to
1:40battle it twice.
1:42Um
1:44I wouldn't say I I don't want to sit
1:47here and say a sob story that I was
1:49addictive addicted to alcohol or
1:50anything like that.
1:52I used to go out partying uh Thursday,
1:55Friday, Saturday night, any night a week
1:57that someone would say, "Do you fancy
1:59going out?" and I went out. [laughter]
2:01Um reckless,
2:04drugs, sex with whoever, that type of
2:07thing, just stuck in this loop.
2:10Um
2:12and then I got to about 27 years old and
2:18I pulled away from it a little bit. I
2:21suffered with depression for the second
2:23time again.
2:25And
2:28I managed I was on
2:30pills through NHS. I went to the doctor,
2:32things like that.
2:34And
2:35I then
2:37came across Ayahuasca.
2:40So,
2:41I was stuck in loops. I was stuck in
2:44I didn't really know where to place
2:46myself. I wasn't really close with my
2:47family.
2:49Um
2:50I was going to work,
2:52going home, doing the same thing week
2:55in, week out.
2:57And I just didn't really
2:59know what I was doing.
3:01I didn't really fit in anywhere. I
3:02didn't feel like I wanted to have a
3:04family with anyone. I didn't feel
3:05maternal or I wanted children.
3:08Um never had a steady boyfriend.
3:13That was my life really. Nothing crazy
3:16and traumatic, but
3:18just reck- I was very reckless. I was
3:21very reckless. That's that's where I
3:23was.
3:23>> Okay, and how did you first hear about
3:26Ayahuasca?
3:27>> I heard about Ayahuasca when I was about
3:2927 years old.
3:31Ayahuasca has a way of finding you
3:35rather than you go out finding it.
3:37Um
3:40I never
3:42went out searching for answers of
3:44depression because I always thought I
3:46could handle it.
3:48I went to the doctors, just the pills,
3:50and then the second time I was then off
3:52them. So, I was like, "Yeah,
3:53everything's great."
3:54Um
3:56and I just kind of came across it online
3:59and then
4:01met a new person who used to go to the
4:05retreats
4:06and said, "Would you like to Would you
4:08like the details?"
4:09And I said, "Yes."
4:10>> Okay, when you say you seen it online,
4:11was this like on social media or were
4:13you searching for it or
4:16>> normal social media.
4:18So, it was kind of
4:20I don't even know. I can't even tell
4:22you. I don't I wish I could give you a
4:24definitive answer, but I just don't
4:26know. It was so long ago and it kind of
4:28I suppose it's just drip-fed into me
4:31seeing it online and hearing about it,
4:33but then a friend came who went to
4:37regular
4:38um retreats.
4:40>> Okay, so you seen it online. Um
4:43then you had your your friend who went
4:44to regular retreats. Um
4:47what made you take that step and decide,
4:49"Okay, I'm going to do it for myself."
4:51>> It's just pure curiosity.
4:53Pure curiosity.
4:55Um
4:58she'd mentioned
5:00what happens in the retreats.
5:03The curiosity with the medicine,
5:06but also being a part of something.
5:11So, she said that there's group
5:13activities.
5:15You meet other people. And it was kind
5:17of like
5:20I wanted to be part of something with
5:22some people. I wanted to I wanted to be
5:24accepted again.
5:25>> Okay.
5:26>> Um
5:28and I felt like
5:30>> Are you referring to like the community
5:32of
5:32>> Yeah, the community of of medicine
5:35because you do there is a community of
5:37medicine or a community of spiritual
5:38people.
5:40Um and I didn't want to
5:43be in a community of people that were
5:45drinking all the time. Although I was in
5:47it
5:48and I was probably the ringleader.
5:50>> [laughter]
5:50>> Um
5:52I didn't want to be like that anymore. I
5:53wanted to slow down. And when I came
5:56across this, it just felt that this was
5:59like home for me. And I'll use that a
6:01lot because a lot of this does feel like
6:03home.
6:04>> And you you spoke a little bit then
6:05about um you know, past the issues with
6:08with depression. What was going on
6:09exactly in your life at the time you
6:11decided to try ayahuasca? Were you Were
6:13you still in that phase of of feeling
6:15depressed?
6:16>> No, so I was out of that phase then. So,
6:19uh
6:20it was stupid. It's really stupid. But
6:23again, I was younger at this time.
6:25It was a New Year's resolution and I
6:26said, "Right, for New Year's, I'm going
6:28to get myself off depression." And I
6:29did. Um No, I thought.
6:33But it was just a coping mechanism. It's
6:35just a cover-up. You're still going home
6:37and you're trying to fill that void with
6:41recklessness and buying things to fill
6:44that little bit, but you're not really
6:48you're not really going in deep. You're
6:49not
6:52What's the word I don't want to use?
6:53You're not
6:57You're not resolving that resolving that
6:59issue head-on.
7:00>> Yeah.
7:00>> Which is the way
7:02how to deal with depression or anxiety
7:05or any traumas like that.
7:08What we see
7:10is take a pill and everything will be
7:12okay.
7:13But it's doesn't work like that. It It
7:16does for so so long,
7:18but it just
7:24it just numbs you.
7:27Whereas with ayahuasca,
7:29you go into it, you bring it up to the
7:32surface and you deal with it.
7:35And that is so much better long-term. So
7:37much better long-term.
7:39>> You mentioned before that that were um
7:41you
7:42tried Ayahuasca mainly out of curiosity.
7:46Were you still searching for answers
7:48though? Were you looking to to heal or
7:49to you know to to develop yourself or to
7:52self-improve? I mean what what were you
7:54looking for exactly?
7:55Curiosity is very normal.
7:57Um you know a lot of people say the
7:58exact same thing that they're really
7:59really curious and it's one of the
8:01reasons that they try it but you know
8:03was there more of a purpose?
8:05>> There wasn't.
8:06>> Just purely purely curiosity.
8:08>> curiosity. The the main I mean the main
8:10thing was curiosity. The second was
8:12feeling like I was in a I I was in a
8:14friendship group, a community where I
8:16could speak to people. The curiosity is
8:18because you see online ooh you see funny
8:21shapes and stuff like that. Obviously
8:23you're going to you're going to hear
8:23that. You see the animals. You see the
8:25the stripes and the you know bits and
8:27pieces like that, the realms.
8:28>> [sighs]
8:29>> The things that you'd never learn about
8:31that you think oh I want to have a go on
8:32that.
8:33Um but then there's also the second part
8:36to it is where actually it was a little
8:38bit deeper. So actually maybe was I'm
8:40only I'm saying this out loud because
8:42this is genuinely the first time I've
8:45really sat here with someone and told
8:48someone this whole story. So actually
8:50while I'm speaking to you John I'm
8:52actually still integrating from
8:54>> [laughter]
8:54>> back then. So thank you. This is this is
8:58this is great. Um
9:00I think underlying I just wanted to be a
9:03part of something. I wanted to feel
9:05accepted.
9:07There was a small part that I'd heard
9:10with the depression but I thought big
9:13egotistical me I was got done that about
9:15it twice, got the t-shirt twice, all. So
9:17I never really came for that.
9:20But it did. It Ayahuasca will always
9:23give you what you need, not what you
9:25want.
9:26>> Agreed. Um
9:27So once you'd booked the ceremony and
9:29you'd committed, did you have any fears
9:31or doubts? Any second thoughts?
9:33>> No, I didn't and I'm glad I didn't. So I
9:36didn't. I was looking forward to it.
9:40Um
9:42but that wasn't to say that other
9:44ceremonies
9:45I have been nervous towards it because
9:49when you go to ayahuasca, when you sit
9:50with ayahuasca, you don't know what to
9:52expect. So, you're excited. You're
9:55you're you're looking forward to it.
9:57And that is the best way to be because
10:00when you do understand that bash your
10:03mama chew you up and spit you out for
10:04the best sometimes.
10:06I've sat in ceremonies where I've been
10:09blocked and I've needed a bit of happy.
10:11I needed to walk up and down because I
10:12know what's coming next. And again, that
10:14is a good thing because your body knows
10:16that something good is about to happen.
10:18It's trying to say, "No, no, no, you
10:19stay in the fear. Stay in the shit." And
10:21you're saying, "No, no, no, we're we're
10:23going to work through this. We're going
10:24to we're going to do this." So, it's a
10:26very long answer to the question, but
10:29the first ceremony I went there very
10:33open-minded
10:34and I didn't know what to expect. And I
10:36wish all of my ceremonies are like that.
10:38>> [gasps]
10:39>> Um but further down the line, I have
10:41been blocked and I've had to have a
10:44little bit of help to to to surrender.
10:47>> Okay.
10:48Um
10:50what preparation did you have to do um
10:52with regards to to diet or any other
10:53preparation that you did for the you
10:55know, for the ceremony?
10:56>> Yeah, so I think with
10:58it depend on which tribe that you work
11:00with. There's different preparations.
11:03There's different lineage. So, different
11:05different rules, let's say.
11:08Um
11:09it was to basically go on a very, very,
11:11very clean diet. So, um definitely no
11:14red meat in a few days coming up to it.
11:18Um as clean as possible. And when I say
11:20as clean as possible, fruits, veggies,
11:23rice.
11:25Um
11:26meditation.
11:28So, although we say eating clean, you've
11:31got to be thinking clean, as well. So,
11:33meditate at least 15 minutes a day.
11:37Um
11:39social detox, social sorry, social media
11:42detox. So, that's very difficult to do
11:44when you're working a 9-5 and I'm
11:46working with computers like I did every
11:48day.
11:49And I'm addicted to social media like I
11:51love Instagram, TikTok, things like
11:52that. So, that was difficult as well.
11:55And I went vegan and it was so
11:57difficult. It was really difficult, but
12:00now
12:01I love going vegan every so often.
12:04People say, "Oh, vegan is all is a way
12:06of life and things like that." For me,
12:08personally and me, I do like eating meat
12:11sometimes.
12:12I do like eating eggs sometimes. I do
12:14like eating cheese sometimes, but it's
12:16not when I go into ceremony or when I'm
12:18preparing myself for anything like that.
12:20So, I'll go up and down. I'll I'll
12:22sometimes eat a bag of Haribos and
12:25things like that, but then the month
12:26after for the month I'm eating clean.
12:29>> Yeah.
12:29>> Um I'm trying to find a balance with
12:32life as well and that's another that's
12:33another story to go through as well. Um
12:37but basically, yeah, you
12:40um
12:40interacting with other people as well.
12:42So, if you've got a partner, no sex, uh
12:46no self-gratification
12:48a few days or a week prior to ceremony.
12:50Um there's other certain things in
12:53details that you can't eat as well, but
12:56things I'd not heard of as well that
12:57things that
12:59were were quite local in the tribes and
13:01things like that, but I wasn't I'd never
13:02really came across those.
13:04>> And were you were you strict within your
13:05diet and preparation?
13:07>> For the first time I went there, I tried
13:09as as much as possible, yes. And it was
13:11difficult because I'd never been vegan
13:13before. I'd never
13:15uh not eaten meat before and it it was
13:17difficult, but now it's very easy.
13:20>> Okay.
13:21Uh and what did you hope the ayahuasca
13:23would show you going into the ceremony?
13:26>> I never really like I said, I never
13:27really went into with any expectations,
13:30so I didn't know what it was.
13:33I didn't know.
13:35>> Okay, so um
13:37take us to the point where you're
13:39attending the um
13:41the ceremony. Um what do you remember
13:43about arriving at the ceremony?
13:45>> Um so when I arrived, I didn't know what
13:49to expect, but
13:51it felt like home. I really felt like
13:55I'd found the smells,
13:57the the art decor, the the
14:01I looked on this table and it was full
14:03of knick-knacks and stuff, shamanic
14:05tools. Um things that I took a picture
14:08of and I was like, I don't even
14:10understand what that means, but I want
14:11to know about it. I just felt thirsty
14:14that I wanted to understand what these
14:16things were.
14:17Um there was a familiar smell in the
14:19air, um and I understand that that that
14:21was now cleansers, mapacho.
14:24Um there was it's Oh, it's not as
14:26glamorous as what you think, either. Oh,
14:28[gasps] it's not. It's not like any
14:30five-star hotel or anything like that.
14:32It's it's not that kind of glamorous.
14:33It's
14:34it's raw. It's very, very, very raw.
14:38It's real, and it's
14:42it's just what everyone needs, but um a
14:45little bit daunting. A bit like
14:49you know, there's mats on the floors,
14:50there's buckets next to everyone. Um
14:54I brought pen and paper with me as well,
14:56so I was basically like I go in there, I
14:58look around the room. Um there's art on
15:01the walls of
15:03um
15:05Pachamama and
15:08um
15:09cactuses, and all sorts of different
15:11medicines, and all sorts of shamanic
15:13tools everywhere where you can see.
15:15Um
15:18Yeah.
15:19It's
15:21it's a real when you walk in there, it
15:24really feels and smells
15:27familiar.
15:28Really, really familiar. But, I can
15:31honestly say I've never been there
15:32before. Like, in the physical 3D realm,
15:36like in this world.
15:38There's nothing that you can find here
15:39that's remotely like it.
15:42The the the place where I've been that's
15:45that's the closest
15:47to an Ayahuasca ceremony
15:49is I went to uh Thailand.
15:53Uh Christmas just gone.
15:55And I'd never been into a temple before,
15:57and I went into the Tiger Temple. And as
15:59I walked in there, it was the same ohm
16:02kind of feeling. And I was like,
16:06>> [laughter]
16:06>> That's the closest I've ever been able
16:09to
16:10see or feel anything. But, it's
16:14it's beautiful.
16:15It's a real nice home feeling. It's It's
16:19beautiful. It's nice. It's tough.
16:21It's real tough.
16:22But, the first when you walk in there
16:25>> Okay. Yeah, so take take us you know,
16:26take us back to that moment when you
16:27when you walk in. Were there other
16:29people doing the ceremony at the same
16:30time as you, or was it an individual
16:31ceremony?
16:32>> No, I think there was about nine or 10
16:34other people, I think. And then there
16:35was two shamans, male and female.
16:39>> Okay.
16:40And what were your first thoughts once
16:42the ceremony actually started?
16:46>> Oh, we're here.
16:47Nerves.
16:49>> [laughter]
16:49>> It's kind of like with everything that I
16:51do. I say yes to everything, and then
16:53when I'm standing there, I'm like, "Oh,
16:55we're here."
16:56Um last year, I walked on glass, and I
16:59walked on hot coals, and I said yes
17:02weeks coming up to it, no problem at
17:03all. And when I finally got there, I was
17:05like, "Oh, okay, I'm here." It was the
17:07same thing. But, that's just me
17:08personally. Um
17:11I drank. So,
17:14So, how how the the ceremony went is
17:17that
17:20they
17:22cleanse the room with mapacho
17:24uh which is basically 100% tobacco.
17:27Um
17:29so they kind of like ingest it, burp it
17:31up
17:32uh cleanse the space uh bless the space,
17:36open up the space.
17:38They cleanse themselves uh each other
17:40and then they go around the room
17:42cleansing you.
17:44Um
17:46I was dressed in
17:48a jumper and just a pair of trousers,
17:50just something easy like a not jogging
17:52bottoms but just like a pair of material
17:54trousers.
17:55Everyone else was the same, shorts and
17:56t-shirt or something like that.
17:58Um
18:00so he came around and it was just about
18:02to get dark at this point.
18:05And
18:07you could still see the light you could
18:08you could kind of still see the the sun
18:11going down slightly but it was very very
18:14um deep dusk, let's say.
18:17And yeah, so they cleansed the room,
18:19they cleansed us, they cleansed each
18:21other. Um and then they served the
18:23ayahuasca.
18:24And it was pretty much in darkness.
18:27There was a tiny bit of light so you can
18:28see yourself shuffling around the room
18:31but other than that it was complete
18:32silence, complete darkness.
18:35And
18:39I just felt
18:41no, I felt nervous. It was like okay,
18:43reality's kicked in.
18:45Um I wasn't scared but it was
18:49like okay
18:50there's no turning back now.
18:52>> [laughter]
18:53>> Um
18:55so they went around the room.
18:57I was opposite them. So they were in a
18:59circle here, I was complete opposite
19:01them. Uh they had like
19:03the shaman sat there and then they did
19:05the music here um and then the table and
19:09all the all the bits around the room.
19:11And it came up to my go and I went up
19:15and um you say your intention or you
19:19think it into the cup. So I held the cup
19:21here like this.
19:22And I couldn't see what color it was cuz
19:25it was it was dark at that point.
19:27Um couldn't smell it, nothing like that
19:30and I just said my intention. And my
19:32intention at the time
19:34was enlightenment.
19:37Just enlightenment.
19:42And
19:44lifted the cup up
19:46and I drank it.
19:50I drank it all in one go.
19:51>> How did it taste?
19:57>> I want to say I was very grateful for
19:59the taste.
20:00But it
20:02it doesn't taste the greatest.
20:04>> [laughter]
20:05>> Yeah, it's not great.
20:06>> It tastes like if you licked the jungle
20:07floor.
20:09>> I see. I see it tastes like the earth.
20:11>> Yeah, it is very earthy, very ground
20:15taste.
20:15>> Do you find and this is this is
20:17something that I find personally, but do
20:18you find that it tastes really familiar
20:20the first time that you drank ayahuasca
20:22or was it completely something, you
20:24know, brand new to you?
20:25>> No, not the taste of ayahuasca but the
20:28smell of ayahuasca is familiar and
20:33uh the smell of
20:35uh changa is very familiar as well.
20:38But no, not the taste but the smell,
20:39yes. Yes, I do understand that.
20:42>> Okay, so you you drank the ayahuasca.
20:45How did you feel in the moments, you
20:46know, after you after you drank it? Were
20:48you nervous, excited, anxious?
20:52>> Um
20:57I felt ready.
20:59I felt kind of ready. It was a bit like
21:02I was I was nervous.
21:04I drank the cup, I sat back in my seat
21:07and I was ready. I was like, let's go.
21:09Let's
21:10Again, there's no turning back now.
21:11Let's go.
21:12Um so, we went round, and I watched
21:14other people come up, mixtures of girls
21:17and boys.
21:19Um all there for completely different
21:20reasons. Some people were the same as
21:22me, just curious. Other people were
21:24there because they had deep emotional
21:26trauma.
21:27Um
21:29some people had
21:31were criminals as well, had just come
21:32out of jail.
21:34Um There was people from all different
21:36walks of life there for all completely
21:38different reasons.
21:40Um but, we all were there at one point.
21:43We're all there for a reason, and we're
21:45all there
21:46>> Just to just to help paint a picture for
21:47people, you say that you were all uh
21:49drinking the medicine individually
21:51served by the the shaman, and this was
21:53in darkness. Was there any music
21:54playing, or was this in complete
21:55silence?
21:56>> This was still in silence at this point.
21:58Yeah, we're still in silence.
22:00>> And so, you drink the medicine. Um do
22:02you drink it at your bed or the mat or
22:04whatever it is that you're on, or did
22:06you have to go up to the to the shaman
22:07to to take the medicine?
22:09>> You go up to the shaman to take the
22:10medicine. So, you walk up to the shaman,
22:13they hand you the cup, you say your
22:15intention,
22:17give gratitude and thanks, and then you
22:19drink.
22:21>> How long did it take for the effects to
22:23kick in? Because we know that this is
22:25very individual. For some people, it's
22:27much sooner than others. So, for you,
22:29how long did it take?
22:30>> 20 minutes, half an hour, I think. We
22:33hadn't eaten, so we were on a very
22:36strict diet um that day as well. So, I
22:40think we had lunch about 3 or 4 hours
22:43before, and it was only fruits, berries,
22:47like the very bare minimum as such. Um
22:50so, it was to
22:52it it it kicked in quite quickly.
22:56>> Okay. And how did that make you feel
22:57once it first once it first kicked in?
23:00>> Beautiful.
23:01It always is. It gives you a beautiful
23:04feeling. It makes you feel whole. It
23:06makes you feel
23:09pure, earthly, happy.
23:13Um
23:18I also do it with a blindfold on. Um So,
23:22again, someone in the ceremony said, a
23:25question being said, you do it with a
23:26blindfold on?
23:27I said, you don't? So, everyone's kind
23:30of different, I sit with a blindfold on.
23:33So, I very much go into myself. Um But
23:37also always at the that start, you
23:39always feel beautiful, you always feel
23:41happy, light, airy. Um
23:46Beautiful colors as well. All things
23:48like that.
23:50Um
23:52And then it got interesting.
23:57>> So, if you could now
23:59take us through the the peak experience
24:01you know, itself. So, the effects have
24:03kicked in, the the visions have started.
24:05Um I'll take us through exactly what
24:07happened throughout your you know, your
24:08journey.
24:10>> So, yeah, then it got very interesting.
24:13Um
24:15I was in what I now know is called an
24:19altered state. So, an altered state is
24:22basically when your body just completely
24:24relaxes.
24:26I thought I was channeling something at
24:28this point like I didn't know the right
24:31words. I didn't know what it meant or
24:33anything like that. I was just guessing
24:34from things I'd seen off TV.
24:37But I was sitting cross-legged and I was
24:40doing these things. So, I was completely
24:42blindfolded and I was just going like
24:43this.
24:46Kind of like ballerina movements as
24:47such.
24:49And um
24:50>> I see this a lot in in ceremonies. Um
24:53>> Yeah, well, because I've always been
24:54blindfolded and I didn't know it was a
24:56thing.
24:57>> Yeah.
24:58>> But what I felt was
25:02I felt like everyone had come off their
25:05beds to sit around me and watch me. Now,
25:08I couldn't see this, but this is what I
25:10felt at the time.
25:13So, I was thinking, why is everyone come
25:14to watch me? I must be doing something
25:16very interesting.
25:18I went to I just went back into it, and
25:19that was the only kind of thought that
25:21came into my head.
25:23Now I know what it was is it was just
25:27energy. It was just spirits sitting
25:29around me, my guides protecting me, and
25:31it was a big ring of them around me. No
25:34one had come off their beds to watch me.
25:35Everyone was doing their own thing.
25:37Oh, that was another thing actually as
25:39well. I was a little bit self-conscious
25:41that other people would be listening to
25:45me, but that is not the case.
25:47When you're When you are sitting with
25:50ayahuasca, you are in yourself. It
25:52doesn't matter what he, she, they are
25:54doing, and they don't care about what
25:55you're doing either. You are in your own
25:58bubble. You're in your own world.
26:00So, I was a little So, actually at the
26:02beginning of the ceremony, I was a
26:03little bit self-conscious, but that soon
26:05went. That soon went very quickly.
26:08But yeah, all of these kind of
26:12guardian spirits,
26:15guides,
26:16ancestors.
26:18I don't know who or what they were, but
26:21they were a protector around me.
26:23Um and I didn't know that until quite
26:26some time down the road when I'd done my
26:29shamanic seeding course, which I can
26:30talk about later.
26:32Um but that's what happened that time. I
26:35felt
26:38just
26:40happiness, protected warmth. It was
26:42beautiful.
26:43It was
26:44I'd also felt that for a second time as
26:46well
26:47through through um
26:49the ceremony later on.
26:52But it wasn't such a
26:54happy feeling.
26:56Um so later on, I actually felt another
27:00presence like that. Still with my
27:02blindfold on, still sitting on my bed.
27:03Um some other things had happened from
27:06now until then.
27:08But
27:09with ayahuasca again, I can sit here and
27:12say, "Oh, hearts and rainbows and
27:14everything was beautiful and pure love
27:16and light." But
27:17let's get past that. Let's go to the to
27:20the real core in what happens.
27:23And that is when you deep dive into it.
27:25And I felt this presence right here.
27:30And it was angry. Like it was pissed.
27:34And it scared me. So I took my blindfold
27:37off and I was like,
27:39"Okay. Okay." I thought some something
27:42was there.
27:43I spoke to the shaman about it. Um it
27:46was basically a shadow.
27:47So when I was a little girl,
27:51um now I know, again, in the ceremony,
27:54it was scary. It was scary. Um it's
27:58it was awful.
28:00>> [gasps]
28:00>> But now I understand what it was. It was
28:03basically my feelings of when I was a
28:05little girl and how I felt how
28:08it was it was my feelings of when I was
28:10a little girl and what I thought my dad
28:13was. My dad was really scary and it was
28:16him.
28:17But it was just something that I hadn't
28:19as um
28:23it was something that I hadn't conquered
28:25just yet.
28:26And last year I've managed to to bring
28:29my shadow up and to
28:31love it.
28:33But yeah, you certainly get some scary
28:37energies as well.
28:40But also scary can
28:42be good.
28:44Because that also means that something
28:46is there
28:48that they want you to deal with or that
28:49you should be dealing with. And it will
28:51be a a pressed a trauma. It will be
28:54something that's gone to the back of
28:55your mind. Uh
28:57parents have told you shut up and put up
28:59from when you're a kid.
29:01And I didn't think that any of those
29:03things mattered, but they do matter.
29:04They follow you around until you deal
29:07with it.
29:08So, the scary things, let's say, they're
29:11not so scary because they're actually
29:13good shadows that want to just be loved
29:16just as anyone else wants to be loved.
29:19>> Okay. Take us back to
29:21you know the you're in the ceremony.
29:23The medicine's kicked in. You've said
29:25that you felt this presence around you
29:27that was there to protect you and this
29:29was kind of like a joyful, happy,
29:31positive feeling.
29:33How did it progress from there? What
29:34happened next?
29:35>> Okay. So,
29:37that I kind of just left it as it was.
29:41I don't really remember much. So, what
29:44I'm going to be speaking about today is
29:45is probably about 15, 20% of the
29:48ceremony.
29:50There's a lot of it that I don't
29:51remember, but I just know that things
29:55I've learned from it.
29:57Um
29:59I remember
30:00then laying down. So, I can't remember
30:03what happened between then and then.
30:05But,
30:06I remember laying down still my
30:07blindfold on.
30:09And I was going through something. I
30:13don't know. I can't describe patterns. I
30:15can't describe anything cuz I was very,
30:16very, very deep.
30:19But, what I remember
30:21is trying to get up. So, I was laying
30:25like this and I put my leg over here and
30:28I was trying to get up.
30:30>> You mean physically?
30:32>> Physically.
30:32>> Okay. Okay.
30:33>> Uh yeah. So, physically I was trying to
30:35physically get up.
30:37But, I can't remember what I was seeing.
30:40So, I was obviously in a different
30:42dimension or whatever it is, wherever I
30:45was.
30:47But, physically I was trying to get up.
30:49So, I remember I was halfway up, and I
30:52clocked physically that I was trying to
30:54get up.
30:56So, I just let it carry on. I didn't
30:58know what was going on.
31:00But, I got up. And again, remember I'm
31:03blindfolded at this time.
31:06And I remember looking round, and there
31:08was walls
31:10here and here.
31:12But, physically there was people
31:16other people who had been in the
31:17ceremony here and here.
31:19But, I could just see a wall.
31:22And at the end of this corridor wall was
31:25a door.
31:27And I physically walked over,
31:30stood up,
31:31I went up a step,
31:33and went over to this door.
31:35>> Was this with your blindfold still on,
31:37or are you
31:38>> Yeah. Okay. So, my blindfold My
31:40blindfold was on all the time. So, my
31:42blindfold was on.
31:44Um and I'd
31:46seen what I thought was a door.
31:50It was a door.
31:51But, physically in this it was a pair of
31:54curtains.
31:56So, if you were that standing there in
31:58the corner of the room, you'd think,
31:59"Where's she going? Why is she walking
32:00towards the wall?"
32:02But, to me, it was a corridor, and it
32:04was a big door.
32:07So, I walked towards this door,
32:10and uh the shaman came and and and said,
32:14"Where you going?"
32:15And I said,
32:17"I'm trying to get through this door."
32:19And he said, "Why?"
32:21I said, "I don't know."
32:23And I looked back at it.
32:26And I remember
32:28>> So, just to be clear, there was no
32:29actual door in the real world. This was
32:31Okay.
32:32>> There was no door there.
32:34No door in the real world, but what I
32:36was seeing with my blindfold on, there
32:37was a door there.
32:39And the shaman was real. And what I
32:41could see him was asking me was
32:44physically real as well. So, he was in
32:47this physical world and
32:50whatever world I was looking in.
32:52Um cuz we spoke about it the next day.
32:54So, he was definitely real.
32:55Um and also I wasn't astral projecting
32:57either because I checked and he also
33:01said that I was walking.
33:03Um cuz that also came into my head as
33:05well. Um anyway, I came to this door.
33:08And by that time
33:11I was realizing
33:14what was going on. I was being more
33:15aware of what was going on around me.
33:18So,
33:19the door then turned into just a green
33:24um like a green space.
33:29And
33:30what happened after that is I then
33:33stared at this green space. So, he was
33:35just standing there. He was just there.
33:38Probably observing me like, "Why is this
33:39girl walking around?
33:41You're supposed to be laying down, but
33:42you're walking around." But he was just
33:44like observing.
33:46And what I could see
33:48is that
33:50this door this balcony door just opened.
33:55And it was like circular.
33:59And there was like green glass buildings
34:02either side.
34:04And there was people just cheering me
34:06on.
34:08Not in a way how it was
34:11I'm the ruler. But it was like, "Yes,
34:13Charlotte. Yes, we're with you 100%.
34:15We're with you 100%."
34:18It was incredible. It was the the most
34:20beautiful feeling that I'd ever I'd ever
34:21felt in my life.
34:22>> Were these like human figures or were
34:24they
34:25were they entities or could you not
34:27really
34:27>> You can't really make out of them
34:29because you you can't look at things
34:32individually like little bits and pieces
34:34like that.
34:36Looking back and now knowing what I know
34:38now, I think it was my ancestors just
34:41cheering me on. Saying, "Yes, we are
34:43with you 100%. Go for it. This is what
34:46you're supposed to do."
34:48Um it was beautiful. It was a beautiful
34:50feeling. I felt like I was
34:53an empress of a green glass city. I
34:55really did.
34:57Um but again, it wasn't like a new
35:00ruling I rule you. It was, "Yes, go."
35:02It's like, "Yeah, we're all together."
35:05Um
35:06and then after that,
35:10it was saying, "Walk through the door.
35:12Walk through the door."
35:14And again, because
35:18I was
35:20kind of coming back to reality a little
35:22bit. I don't know.
35:24I'm just going to
35:25make this up as a as an example. Maybe
35:27as I was on like 12 dimension and then I
35:30was going back to like 10 dimension or
35:31something. I was being more aware of
35:32people around me.
35:34I was then like, "What about my
35:36friends?" And the shaman said, "Don't
35:37worry about them. Just continue what
35:39you're doing."
35:40I turned back around
35:42and the door had turned into a grid.
35:44I was at ayahuasca.
35:48I
35:49This is what changed my life. This is
35:51what changed [laughter] my life.
35:58>> Okay.
36:01Just take take a moment if you need it.
36:09>> I'd got to ayahuasca.
36:12And there was this big grid.
36:15And I stood there in front of this door.
36:19In front of this door that had turned
36:20into a grid.
36:23And I was like, "I know exactly what to
36:25do."
36:26I had like this empowerment
36:28that just came over me like this noble
36:32woman like
36:33we've got this.
36:35And I just started moving things.
36:37I chucked this out. I moved that over
36:39there. I got a bit of that. I twisted it
36:41up, put that over there.
36:43I I had made the woman who I am today. I
36:46got rid of depression. I got rid of
36:48anxiety.
36:50>> [snorts]
36:51>> Or as much as I could.
36:53I
36:54I'm more patient.
36:56I I just this grid was just I just
36:59moved.
37:01Took things out what I needed.
37:03Put things in that I wanted to.
37:07And I made my personality as well.
37:10I made
37:12I can't remember properly what I did
37:14now, but it was like
37:16>> [snorts]
37:16>> it was like sassy but serious. And it
37:20was this but this and a bit of this but
37:24a bit of this. Like it was all this that
37:26I was trying to make. I can't I can't
37:27put it into words.
37:29You can never put this into words but
37:31>> So when you talk about this grid, you're
37:33saying that you were able to physically
37:35remove parts of you that no longer
37:37served you, that no longer served a
37:38purpose. As easy as that. Just just take
37:40them out and and get rid of them.
37:41>> Yeah.
37:42>> And also make changes to certain things
37:44that should stay there but they should
37:45be like this or they should be like
37:46this.
37:47>> Yeah, but I wasn't thinking about it.
37:49This is the thing and this is this is
37:51the thing that with the medicine you are
37:54the medicine.
37:56You can with with mushrooms, ayahuasca,
37:58San Pedro
38:00peanut blanco, anything like this.
38:03They're all tools
38:05but only you know what question to ask
38:08yourself to get the right answer or what
38:11you move on that grid. So it wasn't like
38:13hmm okay, [clears throat] so what shall
38:14I do now? I'm going to move this and it
38:16There was nothing like that. It was like
38:19>> It just happened.
38:20>> You just know what you're doing. You
38:21don't think about it, you just do it.
38:23Your body just does it. And that it it
38:25was it was huge. It was a full grid. It
38:27was a full 4 to not 4 to see them, but 4
38:30to how tall I am. I'm 5'5.
38:33And I was just moving these things
38:34around. Just moving, slotting things,
38:36moving around, getting that, moving out
38:38the way, moving that back up, putting
38:40that back in.
38:41Like a whole chemical
38:43I don't know.
38:46It was just It was
38:46>> It sounds amazing.
38:47>> It was the best thing that I ever did.
38:50Um
38:51that yeah
38:52to to go there, to physically go there
38:56um and to move
38:59the bad stuff out and put the good stuff
39:01in.
39:02>> So
39:04>> incredibly grateful for that.
39:05>> Take us Take us past the grid. Okay, so
39:08you've uh you've dealt with the grid.
39:09You've changed everything that you need
39:11to change. You've got rid of what you
39:12need to get rid of. What happened from
39:13there? Because assuming now you're still
39:15stood up at this at this door um or what
39:18was the what was the door? What happened
39:20from from here?
39:22>> So what happened after that is that the
39:24shaman um he basically stopped playing
39:27the music. So he was playing music and
39:29things like that. Because I was standing
39:31up, he played a specific music for me.
39:34Which was a very kind of like drumming
39:36empowering woman type
39:38warrior.
39:40I I kind of knew what he was doing.
39:43Um After he did that
39:45um
39:47he stopped. It went silent.
39:50And
39:51again, without me even knowing like,
39:53"Oh, okay. So this is finished. I'm
39:54going to go back to bed now." It wasn't
39:56like that. It's literally again, I've
39:57still got the mask on at this point. I'm
39:59not seeing anything.
40:00Um
40:02it finished. I'd finished. And I just
40:05went back I just went I literally just
40:07went back to my place.
40:10Put myself to bed.
40:11And that was it.
40:13>> Sounds like an amazing experience. A
40:14very very profound and life-changing.
40:16>> It was unbelievable. It was beautiful.
40:19It was really beautiful. It was It was
40:21like my ancestors were there. They were
40:23cheering me on.
40:25And they were like,
40:27"Come on then. Here it is."
40:29"Who do you want to be? What do you want
40:30to do?"
40:31>> So,
40:33>> I was setting my intention.
40:34>> the ayahuasca is is wearing off. Uh
40:37you're starting to come back to reality.
40:39Um you're on your bed or your mat. You
40:40take your your eye mask off.
40:42>> Yeah.
40:43>> How do you feel? Like what are your
40:43thoughts?
40:45>> I
40:47inside me,
40:49I'm very
40:52happy,
40:54but I don't understand what's just
40:55happened.
40:57I'm also absolutely exhausted.
41:01Exhausted.
41:03So, something that
41:05that I'd done a lot as well was purge.
41:08So, purging means that you get rid of
41:11something that no longer serves you.
41:14You can purge in many different ways.
41:16The way I purged that evening was
41:18through throwing up,
41:20uh crying, and also I went really really
41:22really cold sweats, hot cold, hot cold,
41:25hot cold. I would had a jumper on, took
41:26it off, jumper off, took it off.
41:28Um
41:30So, there a few reasons uh
41:32a few different ways on how you can
41:34purge.
41:35So, at that point in my head,
41:38I'm thinking,
41:39"What's just happened?"
41:41But also I'm also thinking I've got the
41:44rest of my life to think about what's
41:45happened. I wrote all the things that
41:47happened in my head.
41:49My body was exhausted. I was just
41:53I just
41:55I just wrote as much as I could down
41:56from what I could remember.
41:58I had something to eat, and then I went
42:00to sleep.
42:02>> Did you find that you were able to sleep
42:03well that night?
42:05>> I slept well.
42:05>> hear we hear different, you know, things
42:06from different people. Some people say
42:07they struggle to to get to sleep because
42:09they can still feel the effects
42:11of the of the medicine, whereas some
42:13people an hour after a ceremony that you
42:15know they flat out. How did you find it?
42:17>> All I remember is just getting myself
42:20into my place
42:22and I was just exhausted and I was
42:24writing things down.
42:26I don't I don't really know.
42:29>> Okay, so you fell asleep and the next
42:31day you wake up. How do you feel?
42:34>> Too stunned to speak.
42:37I couldn't I couldn't I still couldn't
42:38understand what had happened.
42:41I felt
42:43noble, empowered, like something had
42:45happened but in my mind could I go no
42:47idea.
42:48But I just knew that something
42:51something wonderful had happened that
42:52evening.
42:54Um
42:56So that is when
42:58we then go into the integration.
43:01Um
43:02one of the guys said
43:04yeah, it's a bit weird you walking
43:05around with a blindfold last night. So
43:07that was [laughter] quite nice.
43:10And then you had
43:11um another one of the
43:14people who attended there Angie she was
43:16a a little bit nicer with that and she
43:18said are you okay? How are you feeling?
43:21I was like I'm just exhausted. I'm just
43:23exhausted. She said just take your time.
43:25Just take your time. When you come out
43:26of something like that you're so raw.
43:29Um so I'd love to sit here and say I
43:31figured it out but you you don't. The
43:33next day you're so raw.
43:35>> Did you do an integration session
43:36together with the other participants?
43:38>> Not until later on. So again everyone
43:40was really tired. You're kind of
43:43uh kind of thinking about what was going
43:46on. You didn't know yourself what had
43:47happened.
43:49You're physically so tired that you just
43:52want to kind of just
43:54give me a bit cuz I don't even know
43:56what's happened myself to then talk
43:58about what's happened after.
44:01Um
44:02So a little bit a little bit not. Um
44:08It's really only
44:10a good few weeks after that I understood
44:13what happened that night.
44:15And what I could describe that I saw
44:18because I only really said that I saw
44:19the door.
44:21It was only really after that I
44:23understood
44:24uh which was a couple days after that I
44:27understood it was a grid system.
44:30And then that's how I that's how I knew.
44:33>> If you can talk to us a little bit more
44:34about um integration um and what you did
44:37to integrate.
44:39>> Um so integration was talking to the
44:43shaman one-on-one about what I saw, what
44:46I felt,
44:47um
44:48and
44:50you what
44:52what I wanted to hear was ah that's what
44:54that meant and ah that's what that
44:55meant. But they don't like to give
44:57anything away. You have to do it all on
44:59yourself. So they'll ask you things like
45:01how did that make you feel or what color
45:04was that or s- little
45:08breadcrumbs, let's say.
45:10But I kind of wanted someone to say ah
45:12right okay, after your analysis, this is
45:14what's happened and this is what you'll
45:15get out of it. But then that doesn't
45:17happen.
45:17>> So they're more guiding you towards your
45:19own truth.
45:20>> Yeah. Yeah, they'll like I said they'll
45:22they'll ask you they'll ask you right
45:23questions and I like I said earlier, you
45:25ask yourself the right questions to get
45:27the right answers. But they are shamans
45:29at the end of the day. They know what to
45:30ask you to to poke you to get the right
45:33answers as such. Um so it was talking
45:37about the experience and we all spoke
45:38about the experience. Um he helped me
45:41with the shadow as well.
45:43So he um
45:45uh took me into a a little drumming
45:48ceremony with just me and him
45:51and banged on the drum a little bit and
45:53the the shadow came back and I stared it
45:56in the face and I held hands with it and
45:59loved it and everything was okay after
46:01that. Um
46:06Um
46:10Yeah, it was just listening to each
46:12other stories really about what happened
46:14and their experiences.
46:16Um
46:18It was just it it's too soon
46:21the day after or even after the day
46:24after for me and my experience. It was
46:27too soon for me to understand what
46:29happened with the integration. My
46:31integration
46:33my integration for me
46:36started happening when I went back into
46:38my everyday life.
46:40So, for example
46:43the way I would respond to someone.
46:46I would respond to someone with a bit
46:48more methodical rather than off emotion
46:51or something like that.
46:53Or I wasn't as
46:56I had more self-esteem. [laughter]
46:58>> [gasps]
46:59>> Um
47:00A few things like that, the way I'd
47:01handled things were completely different
47:04and I'd catch myself and think
47:07I wasn't like that before.
47:08>> So, this wasn't something you were doing
47:10consciously like thinking about it. It
47:11was more like
47:13just naturally like your brain had been
47:15rewired essentially.
47:16>> Exactly. That's the perfect way of
47:18putting it. It's that's that's spot on.
47:21It There was nothing that you think
47:23about. You just do naturally. The way
47:24that you and I having a conversation
47:26now, it's just natural. You don't think
47:29And then you say it you you just
47:31naturally do it.
47:32I've learned that I observe a lot more
47:35now. Before I used to want to be in with
47:37the gossip and know about everything and
47:38da da da da and things like that. I just
47:40sit back and I observe now. I never used
47:42to do that before.
47:44I reserve my own energy. That I could
47:46sit here for hours and give you a list
47:48of loads of things, but it is you just
47:50naturally do things and but you do catch
47:53yourself and you're like Yay. Mini win.
47:57>> Okay. Um do you find that after the
47:59ceremony there was any changes in
48:01personal relationships or friendships
48:02that you have?
48:04>> In every way, shape, or form, yeah. So,
48:07with my family
48:09um
48:11I
48:14again, we've never been a close family
48:17um but I felt like I was quite
48:18stand-offish with my family.
48:21And then a little while afterwards, I
48:23came to realize that
48:26just
48:27let it go. And so, we're becoming closer
48:29now.
48:30>> Amazing.
48:31>> Um friendships
48:34I'll be honest with you, I don't I've
48:35got rid of all of my friends. [laughter]
48:38>> [gasps]
48:38>> And I speak to now people in the
48:40community really, who also do ayahuasca,
48:43who also sit with medicine.
48:45Um
48:46friendship-wise, so the friends who I
48:49used to go drinking with, I haven't
48:51spoken to them for a long time. They're
48:53still going out drinking every weekend
48:55sniffing whatever they need to sniff.
48:57Um
48:58relationship-wise, I had a partner
49:02um
49:04it turned out that I wasn't his type, he
49:07wasn't my type anymore.
49:10Um work
49:12um I was working for a comp- a corporate
49:15company.
49:17I don't work for a corporate company
49:18anymore. I work for a much smaller
49:20company.
49:22Um
49:23yeah, so a lot of things through
49:26relationships, it's turned but for the
49:29better.
49:30I have a lot more deeper deep and
49:32meaningful relationships now with my
49:33friends. I can rely on them a lot. I'm
49:36not just there because of convenience or
49:39because we want to drink together or a
49:40cocktail together or, you know, anything
49:42like that. We're there because we want
49:44to spend time together. We want to go
49:45camping or we're we're going to go climb
49:47Mount Snowdon in a couple of weeks'
49:48time.
49:49You know, meaningful friendships and
49:51relationships like that. So, yeah,
49:53everything has changed, but for the
49:55better, much for the better.
49:58>> You you spoke earlier about uh not
50:00really having much kind of purpose or or
50:02direction in your life uh prior to the
50:04uh to the medicine. Um a time in your
50:06life where you were feeling maybe a bit
50:08lost or confused.
50:09Do you feel like that's different now
50:11that you have purpose, that you have
50:12direction?
50:14>> Yeah, and again in every way, shape or
50:15form. So, with my friends, I know what
50:17hobbies I have now. I know that I'm a
50:19very outgo towards
50:21Um my direction with things that I'm
50:24doing spiritually as well. So, for
50:27example,
50:29um
50:30last year, I So, the medicine, rapé,
50:33hapé, however you'd like to pronounce it
50:35wherever you are in the world. Um I
50:37finished a course on how I can serve
50:40that, and I now help people with that as
50:41well. So, if anyone does have anxiety
50:44or, you know, wants mental clarity or
50:47focus,
50:48um I can help provide that for them.
50:51>> Uh for anybody that doesn't know what
50:52hapé is, can you just explain a little
50:54bit um about what what it is exactly?
50:56>> Yeah, so hapé is an indigenous snuff. It
50:59is made from a patchou and tree ash, and
51:02it helps with anxiety.
51:04Um if you want clarity, or if you've,
51:07you know, got a quite a cloudy head, and
51:09you just, like I said, you need that
51:11clarity, it just helps you with that.
51:13>> Uh would you say there's anything that
51:15people misunderstand about ayahuasca?
51:18>> Probably the horror stories that people
51:20hear about.
51:21Um
51:23the purging.
51:25The purging is a beautiful thing.
51:28You've got to remember with purging that
51:31although you're
51:32being sick, let's call it, you are
51:35getting out the worst of what's in your
51:38body. It has to happen.
51:40The sweating, or
51:43the maybe passing, it it's getting rid
51:46of the
51:47the the the pent-up trauma in you that
51:51no longer serves you.
51:53So, purging can come across as scary or
51:56horrible.
51:57But, it's the more you purge, the better
52:00you'll feel after.
52:01>> [laughter]
52:02>> I know it's terrible, but
52:03>> But, it's true.
52:04>> It's true. It is true.
52:06Um
52:07I'm probably doing it for the wrong
52:09intentions as well. I think with
52:10anything you can go there and do do
52:13anything for the wrong intentions, but
52:16you'll soon find out that you can do it
52:19for the right intentions.
52:22>> Would you personally recommend
52:23ayahuasca?
52:24>> Yes.
52:26I'd recommend it to everyone.
52:28Everyone. Every single person, yeah.
52:30Especially politicians.
52:32>> [laughter]
52:33>> I say the same. I I I personally believe
52:35that everybody at some stage in their
52:36life should try ayahuasca. Um but, it
52:39needs to be at a time right for them and
52:40when they feel called to the, you know,
52:42to the to the medicine.
52:43Um if you could summarize your
52:45experience in one sentence, what would
52:46that be?
52:47>> Every time I went to ayahuasca, I I
52:50always asked ayahuasca what I wanted,
52:53and she always gave me what I needed.
52:58>> Um what would you say to somebody that
53:00currently feels called um to sit with
53:02ayahuasca?
53:05>> I would say
53:08ayahuasca has obviously found them for a
53:10reason. Watching this video on YouTube
53:13for a reason. If it came up on their
53:15home page for a reason or whatever they
53:17tapped into it for a reason.
53:19But, to go on to plantmedicineglobal.org
53:22and find out a bit more information on
53:23there.
53:25>> Thank you so much for sharing your story
53:27today, Charlotte. It's been absolutely
53:28amazing to have you on.
53:29>> Thank you.
53:32>> Thank you so much for listening to
53:33Ayahuasca Stories. If you're curious and
53:35would like to learn more about
53:36ayahuasca, you can visit our website at
53:38plantmedicineglobal.org.
53:41Next week, we'll be back with another
53:43incredible journey. Thank you.