Full transcript
0:00Second only to Anne Frank's Diary, Dale
0:02Carnegy's How to Win Friends and
0:04Influence People is easily the most
0:07famous non-fiction book of all time. And
0:10it's influenced countless political
0:12leaders and celebrities.
0:14>> How to win friends and influence people.
0:16>> Start off the closet. [music]
0:21>> Also, Johnny Cash, Oprah Winfrey, Tony
0:24Robbins, Ronald Reagan, and Lynden
0:25Johnson credit their success partly to
0:28this book. However, there's something
0:30darker that's been erased from history.
0:32Check it out in any library or Barnes &
0:34Noble and you'll see it's divided into
0:36four parts. But that's really strange
0:38because Carnegie wrote five, but you
0:41won't be able to find this fifth part
0:43anywhere. In fact, there's not even any
0:45YouTube videos or Tik Toks talking about
0:48it. What happened to the whole fifth
0:51section of the second most famous
0:53non-fiction book of all time? What was
0:55so scandalous or threatening about an
0:58entire fifth of this book that it not
1:00only had to be erased but scrubbed from
1:02history and never printed again? On this
1:05channel, I discuss the decline in
1:06education. So, I think it's incumbent
1:08upon me when I see a gaping hole in our
1:10general knowledge to fill it. That's why
1:12I try to make videos on forgotten parts
1:14of European and American and Civil War
1:16history. In university, I was trained as
1:17a researcher. So, if there's a major
1:19part of history that's being banned that
1:20people aren't allowed to talk about, I
1:22want to expose it. And so the story
1:24about why part five of how to win
1:26friends and influence people has been
1:28suppressed from all records and
1:30libraries and almost every corner of the
1:32internet turned out much darker than
1:34even I expected. But the most shocking
1:37part for me was what Dale actually wrote
1:39in the fifth part because it makes you
1:41rethink how you read the entire rest of
1:44the book. If somehow you haven't heard
1:46of How to Win Friends and Influence
1:47People, it's one of the bestselling
1:49books ever, translated into dozens of
1:51languages, and it's designed to show you
1:53how to get people to like you. Some of
1:54its memorable lessons include to be a
1:56good conversationalist, speak way less
1:59than you listen, and make the other
2:00person feel important by saying the
2:02sweetest sound in the English language,
2:04which is their name. And this book is so
2:07famous that even those lessons from the
2:08book have gotten their own parodies.
2:10>> What's your name? David. I like that
2:13name, David. How are you enjoying the
2:16networking event, David? Hey, David, I
2:18want to hear about you, David. I feel
2:19like I'm talking so much. I'm like, what
2:21about David? I want to hear more about
2:22David.
2:23>> So, why don't you tell me about
2:24yourself?
2:24>> Why don't you tell me about yourself?
2:26>> I asked first. I asked first. Tell me
2:28about yourself
2:28>> after you.
2:29>> I'm interested. As am I.
2:31>> No, no. I I'm genuinely interested.
2:33>> Yeah, but I want to hear about your
2:34life.
2:34>> Tell me Tell ME ABOUT YOURSELF RIGHT
2:35[ __ ] NOW. What about when you're in a
2:37conversation with someone and they use
2:39your name and you can tell that they
2:42read that how to win friends and
2:43influence people and link when you're in
2:46that situation and somebody says your
2:48name. How does it make you feel?
2:49>> Rhett, tell me more about yourself and
2:51and your hair care routine. Rhett.
2:53>> Well, Link, one of the things I like to
2:54do is I like learning about other
2:56people. So, tell me more about yourself,
2:58Link.
2:58>> But Rhett, you're keeping me in suspense
3:00about your your hair care routine. I
3:03wake up like this, but your hair,
3:05there's no way that's natural. I'd love
3:07to hear more about that, Link.
3:11We're at a still. [laughter] And a lot
3:13of people say they've gained friends and
3:15even marriages because of this book.
3:18Charles Manson was a big fan of the book
3:20and used its techniques to convince
3:22people to murder for him. So yeah, these
3:25techniques work. Warren Buffett took a
3:28seminar based on the book and it gave
3:30him so much confidence that he proposed
3:32to his girlfriend at the seminar who
3:35became his wife of 50 years until she
3:37died. But here's where something goes
3:38wrong. The book was released in 1936 and
3:41Dale Carnegie died in 1955. But his
3:44wife, much like Eliza Hamilton, I live
3:46another 50 years.
3:48>> Except instead of Eliza building her
3:50husband's legacy, Mrs. Carnegie seems to
3:53have tried to erase Dales. In 1981, his
3:57wife rewrote substantial sections of his
3:59masterpiece and cut out his advice on
4:02marriage entirely, which was officially
4:05because Carneg's views on marriage had
4:07become outdated. But I think another
4:09motivation might be some of the shocking
4:11revelations contained within this band
4:13chapter. And his wife's retelling of
4:15history has been so successful that it's
4:17inordinately difficult to find Dale
4:20Carnegy's fifth section anywhere. It's
4:22only even mentioned in these obscure
4:24internet forums where people say, "Help
4:26me." I remember reading a fifth section
4:28of How to Win Friends and Influence
4:29People, but I can't find it anywhere. Am
4:31I hallucinating? Just a few days ago,
4:33someone posted, "I was shocked to
4:36discover that the book was heavily
4:37rewritten by his wife after his death. I
4:40had two copies, and sure enough, the
4:42newer version omitted so much of the
4:44original, and the newer version was so
4:45much worse." So, I scoured the internet
4:47until I finally found a copy of the 1936
4:51original, and I found all the secrets
4:53that Mrs. Carnegie tried to erase from
4:56history, and I had two reactions. The
4:58first is some of the gender norms are
5:00definitely outdated. In the 1930s, most
5:02women were homemakers. But second, the
5:05advice goes deeper than any other part
5:06of the book. And if you allow some of
5:08his advice to cross gender lines, it's a
5:10treasure trove of wisdom. And I'm so
5:12angry for the tens of millions of people
5:14who don't get some of Dale's finest
5:16writing, who don't get this most
5:18important section of his book just
5:20because his wife thinks we can't handle
5:22it. She thinks we CAN'T HANDLE THE
5:24TRUTH.
5:24>> I WANT THE TRUTH. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE
5:26TRUTH.
5:27>> WHICH I THINK IS very much against the
5:28spirit of his book. The whole book is
5:30saying, "Treat other people with
5:31dignity. Don't hide things from them."
5:33Did you even read this book, Dorothy
5:35Carnegie? So now that Dorothy is no
5:37longer around to try and stop me, for
5:39the first time since 1981, I will be
5:42making public the final chapter in How
5:45to Win Friends and Influence People.
5:47Immediately, Dale starts exposing some
5:49of your favorite historical figures. And
5:52you can see the controversy that made
5:53his wife want to erase this from
5:55history. It's honestly what I love so
5:56much about Dale is that he uses real
5:58people's stories. Since all his lessons
6:00are from real life, you can use it in
6:02your real life. He says, "The great
6:04tragedy of Abraham Lincoln's life was
6:07not his assassination, but his marriage.
6:11After all, when Booth fired, Lincoln
6:13never realized he had been shot. But he
6:15reaped almost daily for 23 years what
6:18his law partner described as the bitter
6:21harvest of conjugal infallicity."
6:23Conjugal infallicity. That's putting it
6:25mildly. For almost a quarter century,
6:28Mrs. Lincoln nagged and harassed all the
6:31joy out of Abraham. Oh my god, Mrs.
6:34Lincoln's getting exposed. She
6:36complained that his ears were too big
6:38and his feet were too large and she just
6:41did not respect him at all. Once Mr. and
6:44Mrs. Lincoln were having breakfast with
6:45friends when Lincoln said something that
6:47aroused his wife's fury. So, in a rage,
6:50Mrs. Lincoln threw a cup of hot coffee
6:53into her husband's face in front of
6:55their friends. Saying nothing, Lincoln
6:58sat there humiliated until their friend
7:01got a wet towel and wiped off his face.
7:03As many of you probably know, Mary Todd
7:05Lincoln was eventually involuntarily
7:07committed to an insane asylum. And Dale
7:09Carnegie pulls no punches when he says
7:12the most charitable thing one can say
7:14about her is that her disposition was
7:16probably always affected by incipient
7:19insanity. Damn, Dale. Like imagine being
7:22in that deliberation room. You're like,
7:23"Jur one, does she seem crazy to you?"
7:25Yeah, three. She seems insane. All
7:28right,
7:29>> it's official.
7:30>> But here's why this story is so useful.
7:32Carnegie explains that even though Mary
7:33Todd Lincoln constantly nagged her
7:35husband to change, to be more appealing
7:37to her, it had the opposite effect. Not
7:40only did Lincoln never listen to her,
7:42but he avoided her at all costs. Lincoln
7:45was the only lawyer of Springfield,
7:46Illinois's 11 traveling attorneys to
7:49refuse to come home to his family on
7:52weekends. He literally decided to stay
7:53in these like rural ass sheds just to be
7:57away from his wife. And this is a lesson
7:58I need to learn. There are family
8:00members in my life that I think are
8:01doing something so foolish and I nag
8:04them over and over again. But all I'm
8:06doing is making them resentful towards
8:08me because they're not going to change
8:09and I need to accept that. I've been on
8:11short films where I thought the director
8:12was making a really poor artistic
8:14choice, but it's his short film. if
8:16every time I deliver a line I say I
8:18think my character should really be
8:19doing it this way I'll just disrupt the
8:20production and not get my way anyway but
8:22in my opinion Dale's next chapter is
8:24even more useful and this might have
8:25been the one that his wife really wanted
8:27to hide Carnegie says a good marriage is
8:29fundamentally built on good people that
8:31mutual attraction and shared interests
8:34are really not important a marriage is
8:36sinquon is admiration is feeling that
8:39you are lucky to be with the other
8:41person I know this engaged couple and
8:42literally every time one of them says
8:44anything the other one goes Uh, that
8:46didn't happen.
8:47>> Can you knock it off?
8:48>> And everyone's just like, you're not
8:50even married and you're about to
8:51divorce. According to Carnegie and like
8:53people who knew her, British Prime
8:54Minister Benjamin Draeli's wife was old,
8:58ugly, and dumb. Jeez, tell us how you
9:00really feel. But she lived for her
9:02husband. And every time Carnegie came
9:03home, she couldn't wait to hear his
9:05stories from work. Carnegie said the
9:07hours D Israeli spent at home talking
9:09with his wife were the happiest of his
9:12life. Despite him being arguably the
9:13most powerful person in the world and
9:15just the same, Maryanne was the most
9:17important thing in Benjamin's life. As a
9:20result, Maryanne would tell her friends,
9:22"My life has been simply one long scene
9:25of happiness." They were devoted to each
9:27other and never criticized the other for
9:29not having the same education level or
9:30interests as themselves. As Henry James
9:33put it, the first thing to learn in
9:35intercourse with others is non-inference
9:37with their own peculiar ways of being
9:39happy. As long as they do not interfere
9:41with our own. The TLDDR here is if your
9:43spouse isn't doing something that's
9:45actively ruining your life, let it go.
9:48Let them have their happiness. The next
9:49chapter deals with the contingency of
9:52marriage. Like I used to think that
9:53everybody who got divorced was always
9:56going to get divorced. Almost like it
9:57was written in the stars. But this
9:59chapter helped change my mind that no,
10:01what each spouse chooses to do or not do
10:04for the other will sink or buoy their
10:06marriage. A judge who reviewed 40,000
10:09marital disputes said trivialities are
10:11at the bottom of most marital
10:13unhappiness. Such a simple thing as a
10:15wife's waving goodbye to her husband
10:16when he goes to work in the morning
10:18would avert a great many divorces. When
10:20Elizabeth Barrett Browning was
10:22bedridden, her husband would always send
10:24her little flowers and chocolates
10:25throughout the day, just small signs of
10:27his affection because he knew how much
10:29she cared about that. She even wrote,
10:31"He makes me feel like I really am some
10:33sort of angel." And Carnegie explains
10:34that marriage in the long run is just a
10:37series of these trivial incidents added
10:39together. Because think about it, your
10:41spouse is the person you'll see every
10:42day. So doing one small thing for your
10:44spouse every day is not small at all.
10:46It's going to become what you spend a
10:48substantial portion of the rest of your
10:50life doing. And not only will your
10:52spouse feel so appreciated, but
10:53psychologically, when you do something
10:55for someone else, your brain tells you
10:56you like them more, so you'll even feel
10:58happier to be married to them. As Edna
11:00St. Vincent Malay wrote, "It's not
11:02love's going away that hurts my days,
11:04but that it went away in little ways."
11:07In Reno, courts grant a divorce every 10
11:10minutes. How many of those marriages do
11:12you suppose were wrecked upon the reef
11:14of real tragedy? Mighty few, I'll
11:16warrant. If you could sit there day in
11:18and day out listening to the testimony
11:20of those unhappy husbands and wives,
11:22you'd know Malay was right that love
11:24goes in little ways. Then the
11:27penultimate chapter is something that I
11:28think about a lot, which is never treat
11:31your spouse with less respect than a
11:34stranger. We wouldn't dream of
11:35interrupting a stranger to say, "Good
11:38heavens, are you going to tell that old
11:39story again?" We would never open our
11:41friend's mail without permission or go
11:43through their phone when they're not
11:44looking. No, it's only the members of
11:46our own family, the people dearest to us
11:48that we dare insult for their trivial
11:51faults because we know they'll stick
11:52around. We know we can get away with
11:54insulting someone that we never could to
11:56a stranger. It is an amazing but true
11:58thing that practically the only people
12:00who ever say mean, insulting, and
12:01wounding things to us are those of our
12:04own households. Who do you talk about in
12:05therapy? It's likely the people you're
12:07closest to, your mom or your husband or
12:09your friend who betrayed you. Our
12:11closest relationships are who hurt us
12:13the most. Every marriage needs courtesy.
12:15The quality of heart that overlooks a
12:18broken gate and calls attention to the
12:20flowers in the yard beyond the gate.
12:23Many men who wouldn't dream of rebuking
12:25a customer or even a business partner
12:27will go home and yell at their wives.
12:29And this is counterproductive for the
12:31men as well because for their personal
12:33happiness, marriage is far more
12:35important to them than their business
12:36success. The average man who is happily
12:38married is happier by far than the
12:41genius who lives in solitude. Turgenev,
12:43the great Russian novelist, was
12:45acclaimed all over the world. Yet, he
12:47said, "I would give up all my genius and
12:50all my books if there were only some
12:52woman somewhere who cared whether or not
12:55I came home late for dinner." Although
12:57having a peaceful and happy home means
12:59more to a man than to make a million
13:01dollars, not one man in a hundred gives
13:04any real serious thought or makes any
13:06honest effort to make his marriage a
13:08success. He leaves the most important
13:10thing in his life to chance and he wins
13:12out or loses according to whether
13:14fortune is with him. And Carnegie
13:16advises us that if we praise our spouse,
13:18they'll become so much more likely to do
13:20what we want. If you say your wife is
13:23such a good money manager, she'll try to
13:25live up to that expectation and save
13:27every nickel. If there's a certain
13:28tuxedo you love that your husband wears,
13:29say how handsome he looks and he'll want
13:31to wear it more. there's something you
13:32really want your spouse to do. If you
13:34proactively compliment them and say, "I
13:36love it so much when you make this kind
13:38of dinner or buy me this kind of
13:39flowers, you'll save so much strife than
13:41if you buy flowers or cook a dinner to
13:43make up for a fight." And now we reach
13:45the final redacted chapter, which is
13:48probably the most scandalous because it
13:51asserts that the leading cause of
13:53marital unhappiness and divorce is an
13:56unhappy sex life. An appalling number of
13:58husbands and wives are not really
13:59married, but simply undivorced. What a
14:03good phrase. Happy marriages are seldom
14:05the product of chance. They are
14:06architectural in that they are
14:08intelligently and deliberately planned.
14:11And then Carnegie says, "Here are some
14:13sex books that you can read so you can
14:15have better sex." And this was in 1936.
14:18Apparently, it was too scandalous for
14:191981. And the forbidden section ends
14:22with 10 questions every wife and husband
14:25needs to ask themselves to see if
14:27they're being a good spouse. Here are
14:29three of the husband's questions. Are
14:31you careful to never criticize your wife
14:34in front of others? Do you give your
14:35wife money to spend entirely as she
14:38chooses above the household expenses?
14:40And do you share at least half of your
14:42recreational hours with your wife? Now,
14:45here are three of the wife's questions.
14:46Do you refrain from criticizing your
14:48husband's business decisions such as his
14:50choice of secretary or the hours he
14:52works? Can you meet financial setbacks
14:54bravely without comparing your husband
14:56to more successful men? And can you
14:57compromise small differences of opinion
15:00in the interest of harmony? I think
15:01honestly this forbidden chapter gives
15:03such great advice that can be used by
15:05both sexes. But probably the most
15:07important piece is do not marry Mary
15:09Todd Lincoln. And many of you probably
15:11don't know this, but I actually briefly
15:12worked for the YouTube channel Charisma
15:14on Command. So, I want to share the
15:16three important mindsets that I've
15:17learned that help you become a confident
15:19person. And as a consequence of that,
15:21win more friends and might I say
15:24influence more people. The first is
15:25whenever you're in a social interaction,
15:27you should always play to win instead of
15:30playing not to lose. When we're at a
15:31party with people we don't know, we can
15:33often try to avoid making a bad
15:35impression instead of actively trying to
15:37make a good one. But when we try to
15:39avoid making a bad impression, we
15:41usually avoid making any impression. and
15:43your potential friends have no reason to
15:44hang out with you instead of every other
15:46person at that party. The second mindset
15:48that you need to internalize is that no
15:50matter what happens in a social
15:52interaction, you'll be okay. Even if
15:54everybody hates you, even if everybody
15:56points and laughs and cancels you, even
15:58if no one ever wants to be your friend
16:00again, it does not reflect who you are
16:02as a person at a fundamental level.
16:04Maybe you have some bad habits or maybe
16:05you met a really bad group of people,
16:07but your value does not increase or
16:09decrease whether the guests at your
16:11cousin's wedding think you're funny. And
16:12the third mindset, and maybe the most
16:14urgent, is you need to act before you
16:17feel confident. If you wait to feel
16:19confident before you can act confident,
16:21you'll never be confident. You think,
16:23"If I was confident, I wouldn't feel so
16:25afraid." And when you think of a
16:27confident person, you probably imagine
16:28someone like Chris [music] Evans. He
16:30looks like he's relaxed in any
16:31environment, whether he's presenting an
16:33award, arriving at a premiere, or being
16:35interviewed on a talk show. And because
16:37he looks confident, we assume that he
16:39must feel confident. But Chris Evans has
16:42admitted that he's actually a very shy
16:44person. He dreads those press chunkets
16:46and talk shows and finds the red carpet
16:48overwhelming.
16:48>> Takes me a while before I need human
16:50contact. I like being alone.
16:52>> So, how does he look so confident when
16:53he's feeling so nervous? Well, confident
16:55people have fears and doubts, but they
16:58do not wait for the nervousness to
16:59vanish. They act despite their fear.
17:02Confidence comes from taking bold
17:04decisions because if you take risks,
17:06you're telling yourself one of two
17:07things. Number one, that you think
17:09you're going to succeed, so you should
17:10be confident. Or number two, that even
17:12if you fail, you know you'll be okay,
17:14which is also very confident. Here's an
17:16example of that from Charisma on Command
17:18in the character of Don Draper from
17:20Madmen. The deepest layer of confidence
17:22is the belief that no matter what, you
17:25will be okay. When you've internalized
17:27this, confidence comes easy. But how do
17:29you develop this belief so that you feel
17:31it in any situation? One of the fastest
17:33ways to build any belief is to live it.
17:36So you show yourself that you're going
17:37to be okay by doing exactly the things
17:40that you think you wouldn't be okay if
17:42you did. Don's real name is Dick
17:44Whitman. He stole his lieutenant's
17:45identity when he was in the Korean War
17:47in order to escape his old life and get
17:49out of the war. and he's lived with that
17:51fake name and even somewhat of a fake
17:53persona ever since. He displays the
17:55outer veneer of stoicism and confidence
17:58while behind closed doors, his family
18:00and even sometimes his career and
18:02emotions are crumbling. But in the final
18:04seasons of Madmen, Don tells the truth
18:06at great personal cost. First, he tells
18:09Hershey's, his client, the truth about
18:11his orphaned childhood, which loses him
18:13the account and [music] gets himself
18:14fired.
18:15>> I was an orphan.
18:19I grew up in Pennsylvania
18:23in a wh house.
18:24>> Do you want to advertise that?
18:26>> Later, he confesses his moral failings
18:28to Peggy while at a retreat in
18:30California.
18:31>> I broke all my vows,
18:36scandalized my child,
18:41took another man's name. And finally,
18:43after he's been honest out loud, he has
18:45the courage to reveal the emotions that
18:47made him abandon his old life. And it's
18:49all set into motion when a man at the
18:51retreat confesses to feeling unseen and
18:53unlovable.
18:53>> I had a dream. I was on a on a shelf in
18:57the refrigerator. Someone closes the
18:59door and the light goes off. And I know
19:01everybody's out there eating. And then
19:04they open the door and you see them
19:06smiling and they're happy to see you,
19:09but maybe they don't look right at you
19:11and maybe they don't pick you. Then the
19:13door closes again. The light goes off.
19:18[laughter]
19:19Don is sitting there shell shocked from
19:20his conversation with Peggy. But as he
19:22listens, he goes from completely
19:24ignoring him to totally understanding
19:26where he's coming from. Despite the
19:28validation from business success and
19:29affairs with many beautiful women, Don
19:31still feels unlovable. And when he
19:33finally recognizes that same feeling of
19:36being unseen and unlovable, he can
19:38authentically connect with his man.
19:42[laughter]
19:44[gasps]
19:47[laughter]
19:51This is the deepest layer of confidence.
19:53It's not about always looking cool or
19:55always saying the right thing. And it's
19:57not even about getting other people to
19:59respond to you in a favorable way. It's
20:01living your life, at least socially,
20:03like you will be okay no matter what.
20:05And that means that you can tell the
20:07truth even if it loses you a client. You
20:09can tell the truth even if it makes you
20:10feel weak. Because when you live the
20:12truth, believing that you're going to be
20:14okay no matter what, you won't stay
20:16feeling weak for [music] long. Instead,
20:18you'll stop feeling like you always need
20:20to say the right thing and you'll stop
20:21worrying that someone else might reject
20:23you because you know that you will never
20:25reject yourself. And Don Draper also
20:27demonstrates this in being non-reactive.
20:29If you think you'll be okay no matter
20:31what, you're not going to get jumpy or
20:33upset the moment someone insults you
20:34because you know the value you hold as a
20:36person is in no way threatened. When you
20:38can remain non-reactive, it shows that
20:40you're not pressured by what's happening
20:42around you and that makes you come
20:44across as more powerful. For instance,
20:46watch how Don reacts when two men hit on
20:48his wife in Rome and how he calmly
20:49roleplays that he doesn't even know her.
20:51Contrast that with their insecure
20:52overreactions to him.
20:54>> May I join you?
20:55>> Yankee. Hey, go home.
21:01>> Brut,
21:02>> are they making fun of me?
21:04>> A little bit.
21:07>> I'm only in Rome for one night.
21:10The sense of comfort and power that Don
21:12conveyed simply by not reacting is
21:14surely part of what drew Betty to him in
21:15the first place. As a general rule, we
21:17are more demanding of fast responses
21:19from ourselves than we are from others.
21:21People give themselves only 30% as much
21:23time to respond as they would give
21:25someone else, which is why so many of us
21:27find it hard to pause when doing a
21:28public speech, even though we know it's
21:30a powerful tool. So, when you are in a
21:32stressful situation and it feels like
21:34you need to do something right now,
21:36pause. You're almost always better
21:38served from a presentation perspective
21:40and a decision-making perspective to
21:42take a deep breath and slow down.
21:44Otherwise, you're going to look frantic
21:46and out of control. I think this is why
21:47a lot of people are scared to post on
21:49social media because we care so much
21:51about what our friends from work will
21:52say or that people will think we're
21:53cringe. But if you internalize that you
21:56can have that happen and be okay, you'll
21:58be able to pursue your dreams. It's
21:59always cringe until you make it. [music]
22:07>> [music]
22:10>> People are probably going to think
22:11you're cringe. People are probably going
22:13to think you're a wannabe until it works
22:14and then they can't tell you [ __ ] A
22:17couple of months ago, I was at a dinner
22:18with some buddies and at one point in
22:19the night, one of the waiters stopped by
22:22my seat and said, "Hey man, I don't want
22:23to bother you. I just want you to know
22:24I'm a big fan. I really appreciate what
22:25you do." It was very complimentary and
22:27we had some dialogue for a few minutes
22:28and then I sat down and immediately one
22:30of my friends said that was crazy. He
22:34had never my friends had never seen me
22:35get recognized. That was like the first
22:36time it had really happened and
22:38solidified to them that it was real that
22:40people did watch my stuff. And he said
22:42to me something I'll never really
22:43forget. He said, "I'll be honest. When
22:45you started, a few of us were like,
22:46"What the [ __ ] is Smoke doing? Is he
22:47trying to be some wannabe influencer?"
22:49And I remember that and not getting mad,
22:51but I was surprised to hear that some
22:53people in my circle, people that I knew
22:54well, were talking amongst themselves
22:56negatively about me and what I was
22:58trying to build. People are going to
22:59talk [ __ ] You are wrong to accept it
23:01and let it dictate your actions or
23:03decisions that you make in regards to
23:05pursuing a dream. At the end of the day,
23:07you will never be talked down upon by
23:09anybody doing better than you.
23:11>> But there are things you can do to make
23:12people like you. This girl goes even
23:14further and shows how to make people
23:15fall in love with you.
23:17>> In 1977, Dr. Arthur Aaron conducted a
23:20study where he took a man and a woman,
23:22two complete strangers, and had them
23:24answer 36 questions back and forth to
23:26each other. They got married 6 months
23:28later. And I'm going to provide you the
23:29questions, but use them wisely. [music]
23:37[music]
23:42I actually love these questions. I
23:44remember I had a sleepover with this
23:46other Nickelodeon actress once and we
23:48asked these questions and she was almost
23:49my first kiss. Maybe that's too much
23:51information.
23:51>> If you want someone to like you more,
23:54there are some really specific
23:56psychological things that you can do
23:57that can actually make a world of
23:59difference. The first thing you're going
24:00to do is you're going to take advantage
24:02of the reciprocal liking concept. So the
24:04next time you see them in person, you
24:06are going to act so genuinely excited to
24:08see them. You're probably thinking, but
24:09Kimberly, like shouldn't I be playing it
24:11cool? Like, shouldn't I be waiting for
24:12them to come up and talk to me?
24:14Absolutely not. You're going to treat
24:15them like you have a very special
24:17connection. And this is because our
24:19brains are psychologically primed to
24:20like people more when we know that they
24:22like us and see us as a good person.
24:24>> Yeah. What's one of the biggest reasons
24:25people love their dog? Their dog is
24:27always excited to see them.
24:28>> The next thing you're going to do in
24:29your conversation, you are going to
24:30point out something that is similar
24:32about the two of you. The human brain
24:34unconsciously prefers people who we view
24:36as similar to us. When people,
24:38especially men, see bare skin, they get
24:41aroused. I hate to admit this, but the
24:44sundress phenomenon is a real thing.
24:46There is a reason why guys like these so
24:48much. Noted. I'll start wearing a
24:50sundress. Small habits that can make
24:52people like you. Part three. Get them to
24:54talk about things they love. Hey, bro.
24:56How was your weekend? Pretty good.
25:01I heard you started doing standup comedy
25:03over the weekend. [sighs and gasps]
25:05Why? Yes. Yes, I did. Interesting. Tell
25:10me more about that.
25:11>> Someone said, "Now I have to pretend to
25:13care about people's interests." Sigh.
25:15>> This is how to make people like you.
25:19>> This party is so much fun. You're an
25:21amazing host.
25:22>> Thank you.
25:24>> Always start with a compliment. Then you
25:26can do or say something to show your
25:27personality. I want to show you guys
25:29something funny I learned. Would it
25:31actually be okay if I touch your face
25:32for a moment?
25:33>> I'm intrigued.
25:35>> Sure.
25:35>> Okay.
25:39Okay, I'm going to print this out.
25:41>> There's actually a print over there.
25:46>> It's impossible to make everyone like
25:48you, but if you show your personality,
25:50the right people will.
25:54[laughter]
25:55>> That is so funny.
25:56>> Where'd you learn to do that? Uh,
25:58>> I actually saw it on Instagram. What's
26:00something you guys are passionate about?
26:02>> I love acting and dancing. I actually
26:05studied dancing.
26:06>> We shall go dancing sometime.
26:09>> I'm not much of a dancer myself, but I'd
26:11join.
26:14>> That was the most uncomfortable video
26:16I've ever seen. And I've seen
26:17>> Dan Schneider after midnight.
26:19>> This commenter is so right. This feels
26:21like the scenarios from a company
26:23compliance training video. Hey, what do
26:25you do if there isn't a giant printer in
26:27the middle of the living room? So,
26:28here's some actual advice. So, you want
26:30to trick someone into making them like
26:33you just a little bit more. Like, this
26:35psychology trick is known to make
26:36anyone, even your mom, your boss, your
26:39boyfriend, your crush, anyone, like you
26:41just a little bit more.
26:43>> Tell me your secrets.
26:44>> Okay. The next time that you are with
26:46this person, I need you to ask them to
26:48do you a favor that is so small. A favor
26:51that they will say yes to. Something
26:53like, "Can you grab me a cup of water?"
26:55or "Can you pick up that pen off the
26:56floor for me?" Something small. And once
26:59they've done that favor for you, just
27:01simply thank them and say their name at
27:03the end of that. Something like, "Thank
27:04you, Jake." What this does is
27:06subconsciously they will believe that
27:08because they did you a small favor that
27:11they liked you because otherwise they
27:13wouldn't be doing that thing for you.
27:15>> Ah, the old Ben Franklin rule.
27:17>> Let's talk about how to become more well
27:18spoken and more publicly likable. So
27:20with strangers, you need a question with
27:23context. For example, a question is,
27:26"What drink did you order?" But if you
27:27go up to a stranger publicly like that,
27:29that can be a little bit off-putting. So
27:31instead, add context. Try saying, "Hi, I
27:34saw you from across the room and your
27:35drink looks great. What did you order?"
27:37The stranger you have approached will
27:38feel instantly more comfortable. In
27:40educational settings, refrain from
27:42filler words. So for example, if you're
27:44in class and you get asked a question,
27:45instead of going, "Well, like um try
27:49pausing for a second and thinking of
27:51something thoughtful to say. It is much
27:53more pleasant to hear a little bit of
27:54silence followed by something
27:55sophisticated instead of just random
27:57rambling. And then finally for interview
27:59or boss interaction scenarios, my top
28:02two recommendations are adding and and
28:04real curiosity. So if you're getting
28:06interviewed and your interviewer asks,
28:08"How was this previous experience for
28:09you?" Say, "It was good and and then say
28:13something thoughtful."
28:13>> Someone commented, "Thank you, Al
28:15Woods."
28:15>> Three magic phrases for likability. One,
28:17I was just thinking of you. Okay, so
28:19here's how you use this authentically,
28:21right? You think of a lot of people in
28:22your life all the time. Yeah. If you are
28:24thinking of someone and you can text
28:26them, text them, I was just thinking of
28:27you. How are you? I was just thinking of
28:28you. How'd that project go? I was just
28:30thinking of you. It has been a while
28:31since we talked. Or and better, you see
28:33a movie, you see a documentary, you see
28:35a matcha latte, you see a mug, you see a
28:38ceramic candle, and you're like, "This
28:40made me think of you." So, my text
28:41messages, my conversations are full of
28:43actual moments where I was triggered to
28:45think of that person. If you don't think
28:47of someone, they're not a person you
28:48need to have in your life. Second one is
28:50you're always so so if you're with
28:52someone and you're impressed by them or
28:54they're interesting or they're funny
28:55saying you always make me laugh. You're
28:57always so interesting. You're always so
28:59great to interview. You're always so
29:01great at interviews. Giving them a label
29:03that is a positive label is the best
29:05gift you can give someone. And the last
29:06one is last time we talked you mentioned
29:09we are so honored when we get brain
29:11space that you remembered and you're
29:12going to bring it up and you
29:13specifically bring up something that
29:15they lit up with.
29:16>> Someone said I naturally do all of
29:17these. I am a psychopath. Instead of
29:19responding immediately after someone
29:21says something to you, wait a couple of
29:23seconds. This will make them feel like
29:25you're really thinking about what you're
29:27going to say to them, and it makes you
29:28seem like a better listener.
29:30>> Okay, that one seems like a lot. Hey,
29:32Casey, you coming to the beach later? H,
29:35>> what the [ __ ]
29:36>> You're probably bad at talking to
29:38strangers and you need to get better at
29:39it because it will make you more
29:41successful in every single aspect of
29:44your life. You will make more money. You
29:46will be happier. You will have more
29:48friends. you will have a better
29:50dayto-day life. And a lot of people
29:52think that this is something that you're
29:53either good at or you're not. And I'm
29:55here to tell you, you can get better at
29:57it. And this is something that I'm very
29:59good at. So, let me help you. The first
30:01tip is to break the expectation. And
30:04what I mean by this is that don't do
30:06what someone expects in a certain
30:07situation. People don't really like
30:09being surprised, but when they're
30:11surprised, it takes their guard down.
30:13When someone's guard is down, it's way
30:14easier to have a connection. Someone
30:16asks, "How are you?" And you know, the
30:19expected answer is, "Oh, good, good.
30:20Hard to live the dream." You see
30:22something that doesn't actually reveal
30:23anything at all. You can say, you know,
30:25I'm actually having quite a good day.
30:28Easy [music] as that. It's not actually
30:31anything else different other than the
30:33fact that it could let someone ask the
30:35next question. If you have a co-orker
30:37that you like and you want to like move
30:38them from co-orker status to friend
30:40status, invite them to go get drinks
30:42with you. or you know if you're
30:44concerned that they're going to think
30:44it's a date then be like hey I'm
30:47inviting four people to go get drinks
30:48after work you should come. This last
30:50situation is more for like close
30:52acquaintances that you are trying to
30:53move from the acquaintance to the friend
30:54phase [music] and so this is like
30:56perfect for the friend of a friend
30:57situation and that's asking for their
30:59advice. People really like when they
31:03feel valued [music] or or perceived as
31:06like intelligent or or have something to
31:08bring to the table. It makes them feel
31:09good.
31:09>> Yes. And mindset is so important here.
31:11That's why someone commented, "I need to
31:13stop assuming that I'm annoying
31:15everybody I talk to." Yes. And if you
31:17can let go of that, you'll become much
31:18more confident. And in turn, you'll
31:20become less annoying. Actually, if you
31:22want the power to influence people, to
31:24get them on your side, to get them to do
31:27things that you want, you have to first
31:29think of this fact that they require
31:31validation. And if you make them feel
31:33insecure about their intellect, about
31:36their morals, about their willpower,
31:39you're going to create an enemy. you're
31:40going to create the opposite of
31:42validation. So, knowing the power in it,
31:44knowing the deep deep human need we all
31:47have for this to be treated as an
31:49individual and to be respected and
31:51appreciated for some quality that we
31:53have. Look at those things where they
31:55need to feel validated, where other
31:57people aren't giving it to them, where
31:58there's a quality that they feel is
32:00underappreciated.
32:01>> Yeah, people love talking about
32:03themselves.
32:03>> Stop immediately smiling at people when
32:05you meet them. This one hack I just
32:06learned recently will change the game
32:07for you. will make anyone respect you
32:09more and like you more automatically. So
32:10here's the technique. So the average
32:12person when they go and meet someone,
32:13they usually smile at them immediately
32:14when they greet them. Obviously, this
32:16comes as a natural instinct. However, it
32:17can make you appear unserious. So this
32:19is what you're going to start doing
32:20instead. So as soon as you first greet
32:21someone, don't immediately smile at
32:22them. Instead, what you need to do is
32:24look at the other person's face for a
32:25second. Let there be a 1 second pause
32:27and then smile slowly. The book How to
32:29Talk to Anyone says, "Apparently, that
32:30one split-second delay is enough to
32:32convince people that your smile is
32:33genuine and it's only for them."
32:34>> Oh no, I smile all the time. But I don't
32:36even buy that advice. Don't like
32:38calculate whether you're smiling or not.
32:40That's a little too far.
32:41>> Not going to lie, like that advice is
32:42kind of crazy. Like you see someone and
32:44you go,
32:46>> you either live in a fantasy in your
32:48head. I'm lonely. I have no friends. It
32:50sucks. Why did I move here? Or you
32:53actually get out of this echo [music]
32:56chamber and you start taking the actions
33:00that align with what you value and what
33:02you want. And so take me for example. I
33:04know what I'm supposed to do. I know
33:05that I'm not going to meet anybody
33:06sitting alone on a mountain in my house.
33:09I know I have to put myself out there,
33:11but I am basically an eight-year-old in
33:14a big body and I'm emotionally immature
33:16and I want somebody else to [music] fix
33:18this and I'm lonely and I'm pissed. I
33:19did that to myself for almost a year.
33:22And then I did a very simple thing.
33:24[music] If I want a social life, I need
33:25to get my ass out of this house and I
33:28need to stop talking to myself and
33:30[music] I need to do the little things
33:31that I know work. And so this is an idea
33:34I want everybody to steal. You literally
33:38go into your favorite coffee shop. You
33:40introduce yourself to the cashier, to
33:42the barista, you open up your notes app
33:44on your phone, and you make like
33:46literally the dude with the beanie and
33:48the beard. His name is Kevin. You know,
33:50Jen has the long brown curly hair. She
33:52makes great coffee. And here's why you
33:54want to do this. You want to do this
33:56because [music] it's not on them to make
33:59you feel welcome. It's on you to create
34:03this network of relationships so [music]
34:05you feel welcome. So then tomorrow when
34:08you go in, you know what I would do?
34:09Like some loser, I would be sitting
34:11alone in my car. I hate living here. I
34:13open up my notes app. Okay, Kevin is the
34:15guy with the beard and Jen's [music] the
34:17one. And then I would walk in and Kevin
34:18would be there. Oh, thank God. And I
34:20reminded myself, hey Kevin, how you
34:21doing? Oh, no. It's a new bar. It's a
34:23new person at the cash reg. Hi, what's
34:24your name? Oh, hi Lucy. It's nice to
34:26meet you. Okay, Lucy's got the long
34:27blonde hair.
34:29One name at a time. I [music] met
34:32people. I learned their names. I would
34:34rehearse them in the car as I looked in
34:36my notes app. [music] And what was I
34:37doing? I was building this foundation
34:40that researchers call warm relationships
34:42that [music] do what? It makes me feel
34:44like I'm actually part of a community.
34:47That's all that it takes.
34:49>> And then once you've warmed up to that
34:50and you're sort [music] of opened arm,
34:52guess what happens? You turn and talk to
34:54the person next to you. Next thing you
34:56know, you're going, you are capable of
34:59so much more. [music] But if you're
35:00sitting around like I used to and you're
35:02blaming other people or you're upset
35:04that somebody doesn't treat you the
35:05[music] way or there, I'm here to tell
35:07you, stop giving your power to the other
35:10person. Figure out what you want and
35:12then remind yourself, let me take the
35:15[music] actions and let me think in a
35:16way and let me do what I need to do to
35:18create what I want because I'm capable
35:20of it. Someone said, "I reach out to my
35:22friends to plan things and we have a
35:23good time. But as soon as I stopped
35:25reaching out, no one reaches out to me."
35:27Yeah, I remember freshman year in
35:28college. I was friends with so many
35:30people from so many different groups and
35:31as a metric for that, I looked at how
35:32many text messages I'd get in a day. And
35:34I messaged like a couple dozen people in
35:36a day. Fast forward a few years and I
35:37only hang out with a small group of
35:39people that I really, really like. And I
35:40felt insecure like I'm only texting like
35:42eight people in a day. Am I unpopular?
35:44But once I got over that, it was so much
35:46better having those close relationships
35:48than 20 shallow ones. Your ability to
35:50influence other people is actually
35:52determined by one characteristic. It's
35:55not how confident you are. It's not how
35:56attractive you are. You know those
35:58people that are just so contagious to be
35:59around. It feels like everybody likes
36:01them. They can do no wrong. You can
36:03actually like hack your way into being
36:06that person with just minor changes to
36:08the way that you talk to other people.
36:10So this characteristic that Princeton
36:11research founds accounts for 82% of how
36:14other people perceive you is called
36:16charisma. And what sets charisma apart
36:19from other personality traits is that
36:21you're not born with it. It's actually
36:23something that you can practice and grow
36:25and develop over time. And charisma is
36:28so important because it affects your
36:29ability to influence people. So think
36:31negotiating your salary, interviewing
36:33for a job, going on a date, like making
36:35new friends. Your ability to influence
36:38people to adjust and and have control
36:41over the way they perceive you and the
36:43decisions that they make surrounding you
36:46is a really [ __ ] important skill to
36:48have in life. And building charisma is
36:50actually quite simple because it really
36:51is just a combination of two things.
36:53It's made up of your warmth and your
36:56competence. And the problem that most
36:58people have is that they overindex one
37:01direction or another. Maybe they're
37:02really warm and bubbly and affusive, but
37:04they don't really command respect. Or,
37:07you know, they're very matterof fact.
37:09They're competent, but they kind of come
37:11off like a jackass. And what I find so
37:14cool about this, and I love psychology
37:16if you can't already tell, but you can
37:18make very minor tweaks to your behavior,
37:20the way that you talk to somebody, the
37:22way that you have express your body
37:24language in conversation. And these
37:26minor tweaks can actually help you
37:29optimize to come across more
37:31charismatic. So you could signal warmth
37:33by like nodding your head or tilting to
37:35show that you're listening. Or you could
37:37signal competence by speaking more
37:39slowly and confidently and on down tones
37:42rather than an inflection. Someone
37:43commented, "Read how to win friends and
37:45influence people." Hey, jokes's on them.
37:47They're only going to read the redacted
37:49version.
37:49>> Turns out that the kindergarten method
37:50for making friends is unfreaking patch.
37:53I just graduated high, bro. Moved to a
37:55new city, bro. Guess what? Going out to
37:56people and saying,
37:57>> "Do you have friends?
37:59>> Do you want to be friends?" It works,
38:01bro. You'd be surprised what people are
38:02willing to say and do. When you just ask
38:04them, like, just ask, "You want to be my
38:05friend?" They'll probably say yes, bro.
38:06People need friends. People like
38:07friends. What would you do if someone
38:09came up to you and said, "Hey,
38:11>> do you want to be friends?" Then you'd
38:12say yes.
38:14>> I wouldn't say yes if you barked at me.
38:16Someone said, "I've been doing this
38:17since kindergarten, and the only time it
38:19doesn't work is middle school." Hey,
38:21middle school can be crazy. Not that I
38:23would know. People love their names. One
38:26tip, say their name three times in the
38:28first 3 minutes.
38:29>> Three times seems a little excessive.
38:31Hey Dave.
38:32>> Yeah, that's right.
38:32>> Dave, what did you say Dave?
38:34>> My name is Ryan. This all seems a little
38:36autistic, I know, but it works.
38:38>> So, it turns out the trick to making
38:39friends in your 20s is you do an
38:41activity, you meet people at activity,
38:44and then you invite them to do things
38:45other than that activity. Took years off
38:48my life.
38:48>> Someone said the toughest part is taking
38:49the friendship outside of your shared
38:51activity.
38:52>> Hi, nice to meet you. Hi. Hi. Oh my
38:54gosh, I love your outfit. Thanks. How
38:56are you? I'm good. What about you? I'm
38:58so good because I finally returned 10
39:00packages that were sitting in my closet
39:02last month. What about you, girl? I have
39:04the same problem. When you give more
39:06information about yourself, it creates
39:07space for other people to bounce off of
39:09you. If you want to create better
39:11conversations, you can compliment
39:12people. That will lift them up. And you
39:14can also share more about yourself. That
39:15will create space in the conversation
39:17for both of you to be more honest and
39:19real with each other.
39:20>> Yeah. And conversations die when you
39:21don't give people enough to talk about.
39:23Think of everything you say as
39:24conversational velcro. The more topics
39:26you bring up, the more likely it is the
39:28person can attach on something that they
39:30care about, too. People who are really
39:31magnetic and just overall a joy to be
39:33around always seem to have these three
39:35characteristics in common. Number one,
39:36they're confident within themselves.
39:38They are not looking at other people for
39:40validation, criticism. They're not even
39:42thinking about what other people think
39:43about them. They're just worried about
39:45being themselves. Number two, they're
39:46always making everything fun. situation
39:48literally doesn't matter. They're making
39:50the most of it and they're going to have
39:52a good time because they're making it a
39:54good time. And number three, they're
39:55really good at giving compliments, but
39:57not just superficial compliments. They
39:59give compliments in a way that makes you
40:00feel like, "Wow, they see me. They see
40:03me deeply."
40:03>> Someone said, "The kids call it Riz,"
40:05which is of course short for charisma.
40:08>> Another one of my favorite persuasion
40:09techniques to get people to say yes to
40:10you is let people think things are their
40:12idea. Especially men, this works so well
40:15for some reason. Instead of saying
40:16something like, "We should go on a
40:18trip." You could say something like, "I
40:19feel like we need some one-on-one time
40:21doing something really fun and like
40:23special together, but something that we
40:25don't normally do, like something out of
40:26our comfort zone." And then he gets to
40:28go, "What if we went on a trip?" And
40:30then you go, "Oh my god, that's such a
40:31great idea." Boom. Done. It's not about
40:34playing dumb. And this doesn't just go
40:36for men. It's about allowing things to
40:38come from them and let them find a
40:40solution. Like if you can present people
40:41with a one and a one instead of giving
40:43them a two, like instead of going,
40:45"Here's exactly why we should move." And
40:47this is like sales 101. Instead, you
40:48could say, "What do you think our days
40:50would look like if we lived near the
40:51water?" Let them answer for you. It's
40:53like the sell me this pen. You wouldn't
40:55You don't go into, "Well, here's all the
40:57reasons why this pen is so amazing, and
40:58let me tell you why this is the best pen
40:59in the whole world, and blah blah blah
41:00blah." You go, "Well, why do you need
41:02this pen?" Get over your ego, cuz you
41:03will get what you want so much faster
41:05that way.
41:06>> Yeah, that's straight out of How to Win
41:07Friends and Influence People, Redacted
41:09Edition. If you let other people take
41:11the credit, they will do exactly what
41:13you want.
41:13>> Talk to strangers. It will change your
41:16life. I think the number one way I have
41:18found so many different fulfilling
41:19communities, built up my
41:21self-confidence, and made so many
41:22long-lasting friendships is because I go
41:25to so many different events by myself,
41:27and push myself to talk to as many
41:28people as possible. And I know you might
41:30be thinking, "Well, how do I even find
41:32these events? I'm an introvert. I don't
41:33know how to talk to other people."
41:34You're wrong. It is extremely easy to
41:37scroll on any event platform these days
41:39[music] and find the hobby that you're
41:41interested in and just go to an event,
41:43put yourself out there, but putting
41:45yourself out there exposes you to so
41:47many different diverse [music]
41:48perspectives that you would have never
41:49had access to if you were in your
41:52comfortable little bubble.
41:53>> Someone said, "I was the initiator of
41:54all my friendships. I decided to stop
41:56contacting my friends to see what would
41:58happen. I literally did not hear from
42:01any of them. These were people I've been
42:03friends with for 10 to 15 years. It was
42:05really disappointing, but I realized
42:07they were never my friends.
42:08>> Only way to have friends is to initiate.
42:10All the initiators say, "Well, I do it
42:12all the time and nobody does it back."
42:13Yep, that's how it goes. That's the
42:15world we live in. It's really sad and
42:16I'm sorry, but at least you've got step
42:18one down and you're more likely to have
42:20friends. Number two, you awkwardly say
42:23that you need a friend. I have done this
42:25multiple times. It is never easy. I
42:27never feel like at home in saying
42:29something like that. I say to people, "I
42:32need a friend." and they laugh every
42:34time. What do you mean you need a
42:36friend? And I'm like, I mean that a lot
42:38of people are in my life, but very few
42:41people know what's going on. Number
42:43three, make it regular. Once a week, get
42:45coffee so that half of the work is
42:47getting to the coffee date. Half of the
42:49work is getting it in your calendar. So,
42:50just set it with the people you trust.
42:52>> Yeah. And that's also why I keep my
42:53circle small because you want to know
42:55that the relationships you have are
42:56real. That both people really cares
42:58about the other. And it wouldn't go away
42:59if someone stopped putting in effort for
43:01a few weeks. Start exaggerating things
43:04and watch how much people do for you.
43:06I'm serious. Say something like, "I'm
43:08about to make your day the worst it's
43:10probably ever been." And then ask them
43:12to fill up your water bottle. They'll do
43:14it. They'll laugh at you, but they'll do
43:16it.
43:18Or go simpler. Say something like,
43:21"Would it be ridiculous if I asked you
43:22to do this thing?" And they're like, "Of
43:24course it's not ridiculous." And they go
43:25do the thing for you. Just try it. One
43:27of my favorites is, "Uh, are you going
43:30to yell at me if I ask you this?"
43:32They're like, "No, I'm not going to yell
43:33at you." And then they're doing the
43:35thing for you and they'll love you for
43:37it cuz it's funny.
43:38>> Someone said this is straight up
43:39manipulation.
43:40>> Here's how to become friends with
43:41anyone. I literally can choose someone
43:44like I swear I'm like a guy. I will
43:46choose a girl and be like, "She will be
43:48my friend and I will become friends with
43:50anyone. I will sneak my way into any
43:53friend group I want." Okay, here's how I
43:56do it. So, first you have to be cool.
43:57And cool as in confident in yourself.
44:00You have to be yourself and you have to
44:01be chill. You're not desperate trying to
44:03be their friend. Like, please. The honor
44:06is in your hands that I'm trying to be
44:08your friend. Next, you have to be
44:10patient. Just like a relationship, if a
44:12guy's trying to get after a girl, you
44:13got to like slowly make your way in. So,
44:15you got to be patient. For example, I'm
44:17going to be friends with this girl.
44:18[laughter]
44:19[screaming]
44:20And I have my plan ready. And part of
44:22the plan is I know it's going to take a
44:24few months. In the beginning, you have
44:26to like slowly like flick on their shell
44:30because, right, they have like this
44:32guarded shell, but especially if you're
44:33trying to get into a friend group where
44:34everyone already knows each other, you
44:36can't just be like, "Hey guys, want to
44:37hang out?" It's like, "No, it's
44:39circumstantial." But I'll give you an
44:40example. So, there's this girl I want to
44:42be friends with and she was famous and
44:44also had her guard up. I think people
44:45who have a following, like a real
44:48following, not just an influencer, like
44:50they have actually experienced fame,
44:51like they have their guard up. And I did
44:53not want to be her friend because she
44:54was famous. I wanted to be her friend
44:56because she was cool as hell. And so am
44:58I. [laughter]
44:59Now actually like cool is the last word
45:01to describe me, but I will act cool to
45:03become friends with whoever I want to be
45:05friends with. So with her, we were like
45:06texting and then I FaceTimed her once
45:09and then I kind of like kicked my feet
45:11up and waited for her to text me first.
45:13Like you have to play the game. If you
45:15don't act desperate to be friends with
45:16people, you can literally become friends
45:17with anyone you want. You also have to
45:19hold yourself with confidence and with
45:21worth. Like I know anyone would be
45:24blessed beyond belief to be my friend
45:26and they can feel that energy. So if you
45:28want to be friends with someone, you
45:29need to give off. I don't need you, but
45:32like I really want to be your friend,
45:33but like don't need you.
45:35>> Someone said, "Is it sad I had to look
45:37up how to make friends?"
45:38>> So when you're in a [music] room, read
45:40the room. Find out like the most
45:41uncalled for thing you could say
45:43[singing] like juxtaposed to the
45:44environment you're in [music] with still
45:46being appropriate. It's kind of hard,
45:47but So let's say you're in a group with
45:49like five people, right? and the mutual
45:51friend just dips, right? You [music]
45:53could then go when the mutual friend
45:55leaves. Me saying this isn't funny, but
45:58like if you were to genuinely say this
45:59in that setting, it would be funny
46:00people go like, "This chick's kind of
46:01she's kind of cool." I have facial
46:02expressions that differ from like the
46:04immediate reaction [music] you would
46:06get. For example, let's say someone
46:07super weird does something super weird.
46:09Instead of like looking at people like,
46:10"What the hell?" Like, do a different
46:13face. A face that like when people look
46:14at you, they're going to want to laugh
46:15even harder because they're like, "What
46:16the hell is this chick even [music] on?"
46:17Does that make sense? like calling
46:19someone by their full name just
46:20soundtimes funny unless it's like an
46:21adult but it's like what are you doing
46:23but like sometimes when I see like a
46:25main character I'm like oh if it isn't
46:26Ava Chavez just like in a general like
46:28rule of thumb like doing something
46:29unexpected that's still appropriate but
46:31like really riding the line of not being
46:32appropriate is going to it's going to
46:34[music] get you far. Now this isn't
46:35buying friends and it's going to save
46:37you money long term but when like who's
46:40going to get the Uber [music] who's
46:41going to order this this and this?
46:42You're going to be like, "It's on me,
46:44baby." And you're going to like make it
46:45seem like you're [ __ ] around. And
46:46then you're just going to you're going
46:47to buy it. [music] At that point, people
46:49are going to be like, "Oh, this chick's
46:50really nice and like funny." And then
46:52you're probably not going to have to buy
46:53as many things down the line cuz [music]
46:54they're going to be like, "Oh, like I I
46:56need to I owe her back." You know what I
46:57mean?
46:57>> Someone said, "Why is the music making
46:59this seem like an evil plan?"
47:01>> Something I've noticed about people who
47:02make friends easily is that they operate
47:04under a totally different set of social
47:05rules. Let me explain. I had a friend,
47:06Courtney, who had this way of talking to
47:08people that would literally make them
47:09ask, "Do I know you? Have we met
47:11before?" It's like the concept of a
47:12stranger didn't exist to her. This is
47:14the key. It's what I call the
47:16familiarity effect. Engaging with people
47:18as if they were already your friend or
47:20someone familiar or at least someone
47:22friendly. And the easiest way to do this
47:24is to invite people into your inner
47:25world. The other day I was buying
47:27cottage cheese at the dollar store and
47:28the cashier was like, "You know what the
47:30best combo is? Cottage cheese with
47:32Takis." And I'm like, "How high were you
47:34when you discovered that combo?" Notice
47:37how she didn't bother with the
47:38pleasantries of hi, how are you? She
47:39went right into the conversation as if I
47:41was already her bestie.
47:42>> Someone commented, "This is why I always
47:44be making friends when I'm drunk. I
47:45don't give a [ __ ] about all the social
47:46norms and have a pure belief that
47:48everyone is my friend. I make these
47:50videos about the loneliness epidemic and
47:51this is one of my solution videos." So,
47:54I hope you guys use this. Do you wish
47:55you had more friends or have you tried
47:57making friends recently? How did it go?
47:59I'll respond to as many comments as I
48:00can. And thank you to our newest
48:01patrons. Now, three of my newest
48:03friends, the wizard 150, the great Ella
48:07and Janet.