Full transcript
0:01Uh, no way. Are you serious right now?
0:06Please don't tell me you're here for a
0:07blind date?
0:10You're my blind date?
0:12God,
0:14when I see Nicole, I'm going to bend her
0:16into a freaking pretzel. What did I do
0:19to deserve this?
0:22Hey, no. Sit down. I'm not going to
0:26entirely waste my night.
0:28What do I mean? I mean, buy me a drink.
0:32>> Yes, with your money. Haven't you ever
0:35been on a date before? You're supposed
0:37to treat me like a queen.
0:41Yo, Barky, give me two beers.
0:44Something German. Oh, and something for
0:47him, too, I guess.
0:51I can't freaking believe this. God, I
0:54wish I charged my phone before I got
0:56here. I'm down to like 18%.
1:00Huh?
1:02Yeah, I know. I look cute.
1:06You, on the other hand, could have made
1:07more of an effort. You're not even
1:09wearing a tie.
1:11You're wearing a freaking polo. Oh, so
1:15sad.
1:18Yay. Alcohol. About time. I'm ready to
1:23order, but come back every few minutes.
1:24I know I'm going to need a few more of
1:26these.
1:29Yeah, start a tab.
1:32You're good for it, aren't you, nerd? It
1:35was rhetorical.
1:37I'll take a medium rare porter house,
1:39two orders of onion rings, an appetizer
1:41platter, ketchup, ranch, original,
1:43buttermilk, bacon, parmesan, and garlic.
1:46Oh, and whatever he wants. I guess
1:54that's all you're going to eat.
1:56You got to get some meat in you, Nimrod.
2:00He wants a steak and a basket of fried
2:02shrimp. Bloody as hell. It has to look
2:05like a Friday the 13th movie.
2:08Good man. Now run along.
2:13What? I'm trying to help you. you
2:17sample.
2:21Yes, this is me helping you.
2:25Look at this. They brought me a glass.
2:29[laughter] Talk about glass. Am I right?
2:32Glass in a glass.
2:36My ass.
2:39God, I can't believe Nicole.
2:42Did you know that she would do this? Set
2:43the two of us up. I mean,
2:47she and I are going to have to exchange
2:48words. And by words, I mean punches.
2:53Yeah, she's my friend, but she knows
2:55better than to mess with me like this.
2:57I'll be on anyone. My friends, enemies.
2:59You.
3:02Oh, I don't know how to pronounce this
3:04brand of beer, but it's pretty darn
3:06tasty.
3:09Don't make me drink alone, nerd. Get
3:11some booze in you.
3:15>> [laughter]
3:16>> Although you're so skinny, you'll
3:18probably pass out after one sip. More
3:21for me.
3:28What's this music? I didn't know they
3:30sold me crap like this. [laughter]
3:33Of course, there's a dance floor. Who
3:35would dance to this?
3:39Ew. No, not me. It's too freaking slow.
3:45Can you imagine dancing like that?
3:47Darling, may I have this dance?
3:52Well, it's not so much dancing as it is
3:54occasionally lifting one foot at a time
3:56while standing in place. Hold my clammy
4:00hand and stare into my crooked face.
4:04This is a move I like to gall. I don't
4:06want to stop dancing, but I really got
4:08to go to the bathroom.
4:11It's just
4:15pathetic.
4:20Why am I here?
4:26Uh, actually, it is that bad. Every date
4:29I've been on in the last year has been
4:31one massive fail after another. You know
4:34how many dates I've been on this year?
4:3627
4:37dates. 27. All losers, junkies,
4:41freeloaders, and criminals.
4:45And now, thanks to you, I can add nerds
4:48to the list. Big old smelly nerd.
4:56Uh, any day now, waiter. Wait, did he
5:01Where did he go? Did he leave? Are you
5:04absolutely joshing my melons right now?
5:06Don't tell me to calm down. I'm buzzed,
5:08hungry, and pissed off.
5:11I am not making a scene.
5:15Oh, there you are.
5:18Yeah. Yep. Everything is fine. H looks
5:22like everything is here. Hey. Hey.
5:25Where's my poppy ranch?
5:27I never asked for any.
5:30Really?
5:32You win this round, waiter.
5:35Am scray
5:39beer number two
5:44[laughter]
5:45number two.
5:50This here some [ __ ] better be me rare.
5:55Does that mean rare to you? Like is is
5:59there a nice pink center?
6:04No. No. It's nothing. Eat up.
6:11Hear that?
6:13It's still not alive. Look. Holy crap. I
6:16told him bloody, not raw.
6:20Yo, Gong Kong.
6:23Uh, my date steak seems to still be
6:26breathing. What do you say you toss in a
6:28pan for a few? [snorts]
6:32Add a boy. Add a boy. And bring me a few
6:35more of these.
6:39Don't worry, I got your back,
6:42Jack. [laughter]
6:46Oh, what? Nah, I didn't I didn't call
6:50you my date. You're You've been drinking
6:53too much.
6:56Whoa.
6:58This must be good stuff. I don't usually
7:01get this drunk after only two beers.
7:06Huh?
7:08Who? Where did all this food come from?
7:13They expect me to eat all this?
7:17Whoa. What the hell? They're bringing
7:19more.
7:23That's yours.
7:29Why did I order so much? I don't Hey,
7:32who bit into my steak?
7:35Huh?
7:37Oh, kind of. Right.
7:43Oh, look at that.
7:46The way they're staring into each
7:48other's eyes like there's no one else in
7:51the womb. Jerks.
7:54Why can't I ever have that?
8:00I just want
8:02I I just want someone to want to slow
8:06dance with me and and tell me how pretty
8:09I am and cook for me and cuddle and
8:13watch bad movies with me before bed.
8:18Damn it, I forgot how emotional I get
8:21when I drink.
8:24[laughter]
8:26Yeah, I guess I am nicer when I'm drunk.
8:31Drunk in the trunk.
8:35No, no, no, no, no. I'm honestly not
8:38that mean.
8:40No. See,
8:45I put up a defensive wall of nastiness
8:51to protect myself
8:54from getting hurt.
8:58In the end, it ends up biting me on the
9:01ass because
9:03I can never get close enough with
9:05someone and then I turn around and
9:08complain about not being able to meet
9:10anyone.
9:14Whoa, how introsptic.
9:22Why is this bear so thick and creamy?
9:27Oh, ranch. [laughter]
9:33I don't feel like eating.
9:36I'm sorry. I really am
9:40for wasting your time and your money and
9:46being so horrible to you.
9:49Truth is, I always thought you were cute
9:52and I was scared of getting close, so I
9:57pushed you away.
10:00You You're actually a really nice guy.
10:08Eh,
10:12really?
10:14I I'd like that.
10:17I would so slow dance with you
10:22on the dance floor.
10:25Cha cha.
10:31Whoop. I don't think dancing is an
10:34option right now.
10:37Look, I don't want to see was any more
10:41weird time. I'm going to get a booer.
10:45Boob.
10:47Boo boo. Yeah, an ooller.
10:51No, no, no, no, no. Please, I insist.
10:56No. You don't have to drive me home.
11:01I appreciate it. You looking out for me.
11:07Oh, why? Box it up, boxer.
11:15Your car is super queen.
11:21Zasta
11:23queen, if you will.
11:26[laughter]
11:27I sound like Elber
11:30hunting rabbits.
11:37You
11:39I can make it up to my apartment.
11:42I know where it is.
11:47Stupid keys. They think they can
11:49outspark me.
11:53Yeah. Yeah, it's okay. My couch is right
11:56there. I'm going to just sweep here. So,
11:59here's the thing. I'mma hug you now.
12:10Oh, right. You are, Ken.
12:14Uh, you give good hugs.
12:17Listen, you've been really great
12:20tonight. You're a real sweetheart. I'm
12:25I'm sorry I messed things up.
12:29That's nice of you to say, but
12:33Oh, this is so embarrassing.
12:36I'm so glad I'm not going to remember
12:38this.
12:41What do you mean next date?
12:44You'd actually want to date me after all
12:48this?
12:51No. No alcohol next time.
12:56All right, nerd. I'mma hit the old bean
13:00bag chair. [laughter]
13:03Don't let the door hit you where your
13:06ass is.
13:08Good night, nerd.
13:12Why is it super my face?