The One Social Skill That Beats All The Others

0:00If I had to pick just social skill to

0:02have it at 10 out of 10, it'd be the one

0:04in this video. It can make you rich and

0:07famous all on its own and it's also the

0:09one that lets you connect on a date or

0:11stand out in an interview or hold the

0:13attention of an entire room. And it's

0:15actually something that I did for 24% of

0:18my speaking time in my Diary of a CEO

0:20interview, which sounds great until you

0:23realize that the highly charismatic

0:25Matthew McConaughey did it for 47% of

0:27the time in his interview, which is

0:29twice as much as me. So, what is this

0:32skill? Well, it's storytelling.

0:35>> My dad was at a ranch one time with his

0:36friend. It's late at night. They're

0:37sitting out in the bar and drinking and

0:39stuff and all of a sudden the subject

0:40comes up of how high everybody can pee.

0:43>> Little Mr. Texas.

0:44>> Six years ago, but I said, "Well, let me

0:46just zoom in on this picture." I look at

0:47the trophy and it says runner-up.

0:51>> I have three things to my account that I

0:53need each day.

0:54>> You considered becoming a monk.

0:56>> I talked to a good friend of mine,

0:58Brother Christian at Monastery Christ in

0:59the Desert. His opinion was, "No, no,

1:01no. That is not what you're here to do.

1:03You're a communicator. You're a

1:04storyteller."

1:05>> Now, I've said this before and I am sure

1:06that I will say it again. Storytelling

1:09is inception. It allows you to

1:11communicate with a person's unconscious

1:13mind. You're actually bypassing the

1:15rational part that evaluates facts and

1:18figures and you're speaking directly to

1:19the part that actually makes big

1:22decisions. For instance, the intro story

1:24of the 4-Hour Work Week, which is Tim

1:26Ferriss in a tango competition. I

1:27remember it to this day, made me quit my

1:30job as a consultant and become an

1:32entrepreneur. That story and the others

1:34in the 4-Hour Work Week completely

1:36altered the course of my life and made

1:37me start this channel. So, storytelling

1:39is a superpower for creating

1:41transformation, not to mention just

1:43being a great way to captivate people.

1:45And that's why I want to take you

1:46through an example of an incredibly

1:48well-told story from Matthew

1:50McConaughey. I'm going to explain the

1:52key things that he's doing so that you

1:53can use them to shine on your next date,

1:55interview, friend hangout, or business

1:57presentation.

1:58>> [music]

1:58>> And I know that most of you don't need

2:00to hear this, but just a caveat. Do not

2:02tell stories that pretend to be true,

2:04but aren't. Stories really do move

2:06people, and moving them towards a lie

2:08can be truly damaging. So, let's begin

2:11with the thing that kills many stories

2:13before they even start, the hook.

2:16>> Let me Let me Let me tell you one uh

2:18in in in Africa. [clears throat]

2:20>> The hook is what gathers attention at

2:21the onset. And to be fair, this isn't

2:23Matthew's best, but he's an hour and 10

2:25minutes into this podcast, so he's

2:27already got the audience's attention.

2:29When you tell stories though, you need a

2:31first line that grabs the group's

2:33attention, something like this.

2:35>> But I had that 4:00 a.m. in my solitude

2:37on my own truth that hit me lands like a

2:40butterfly and strikes like a lightning

2:41bolt at the same time.

2:42>> The good news is that you don't need

2:43anything complicated for your hook, and

2:45there's actually one that works in any

2:47situation. And that is, "Oh, you're

2:49going to love this." You say that at the

2:51beginning of the story, you will

2:52immediately notice the other person perk

2:54up. But you need to follow that with the

2:56rest of these tips, so make sure that

2:57you're actually delivering on your

2:59promise. And that brings us back to

3:01Matthew. This next piece is why you need

3:03a good hook, cuz it's often the least

3:05interesting part of the story, but you

3:07have to set the scene. Watch Matthew do

3:10it.

3:10>> Me and my guide, who's a buddy now,

3:12Issa, were hiking from village to

3:13village in the Banjagara. Each village

3:15is 10 to 15 mi away. I went over there

3:18needing my anonymity under the name of

3:20David. I said I was a writer and a

3:21boxer. Well, they called me Daouda. They

3:23didn't give a damn about the writing

3:24part, but they were very interested in

3:25the wrestling part.

3:26So, each village I would go to started

3:28to catch up to me, that like strong

3:29white men named Daouda, and they loved

3:31to wrestle over there. They loved to

3:32wrestle. It's kind of a form of

3:33entertainment. The boys just walk up and

3:36start wrestling. When I get to this one

3:38village one night, Binji Amadou.

3:39>> A well-set scene gives the audience

3:41enough to imagine what's happening in

3:43their mind's eye, and importantly, it

3:45gets them guessing what's coming next.

3:47So, if Matthew did his job, you should

3:49be thinking, "Okay, I feel like this

3:51wrestling thing is going to be

3:52important. Now, the audience doesn't

3:53have to guess correctly, but it is a

3:56huge issue if you set them up to guess

3:57totally wrong. I saw this at a party

4:00recently where everyone was asked to

4:01tell a story. So, one person is telling

4:03a story about a bad date. And the setup

4:05focuses on this guy who says that he's

4:07from one country in the Middle East, but

4:09is actually speaking in a full New York

4:11accent. And I could see that everyone

4:13around was hooked guessing, "Is this guy

4:14a CIA agent? Is he got some sort of like

4:16secret double life that we're going to

4:18find out about?" No. The story is that

4:20he was just rude on the date. And I

4:22could see everyone was deflated when the

4:24story finished because they'd been set

4:26up to see something irrelevant. So, a

4:28rule of thumb if you're struggling here,

4:30you want to set up your story in less

4:32than 30 seconds and only include details

4:35that will pay off later. So, let's watch

4:38the payoff of the wrestling mentions in

4:40Matthew's story.

4:41>> I'm laying there 42 miles high to get

4:42there. I'm laying on the ground

4:43stretching. Village is all kind of come

4:45up around. They're talking and

4:46chattering and all of a sudden I hear

4:48the chattering that's sort of at me. I

4:50could just hear it. And I look up and it

4:51sees two boys that are about 18 and

4:53they're boom boom boom popping at me.

4:54And I can be like, "And I know enough in

4:56the tone." I don't know what they're

4:57saying cuz they're speaking in Bombada.

4:59I'm like, "Are they talking to me?"

5:00And he says, "Yes, they say that they

5:02are the best wrestlers in the village

5:04and they are challenging you to wrestle

5:06a match." I was like, "Oh, they are?"

5:08>> So, we now arrive at the most important

5:10part of any story, and that is the

5:13emotional roller coaster. Good stories

5:17need that high emotional contrast.

5:19You've got good to bad to good again, or

5:21terrible day to incredible turnaround.

5:24To be clear, this is not about how good

5:26or bad things are objectively. It's

5:29about how intensely the audience feels

5:31that roller coaster. I have seen stories

5:33with amazing content land horribly

5:36because people don't know how to make

5:37the audience feel the intensity of that

5:39coaster. And I've seen stories with

5:41totally mid content absolutely crush.

5:43And Matthew has some really neat tricks

5:45for making us feel this ride even more

5:47intensely, the most important of which

5:49is embodiment. Watch how Matthew goes

5:51into the characters that he plays. He

5:53adopts their accent, and he gesticulates

5:55to increase the tension. He also speaks

5:58in the present tense. I'm going to mark

6:00all of these examples on the side of the

6:01screen, but try not to get too

6:03distracted because I really just want

6:04you to feel the effect here.

6:06>> Well, they sure are talking a lot. I go

6:09I don't know if they mean it. Do y'all

6:10have this thing over here? We have a

6:11thing in America where someone talks too

6:13much, they really don't mean it. He

6:14goes, "Yes, we have this. We have this."

6:16And just as that happens, YOU HEAR THE

6:17CROWD

6:19"WOAH!" SCREAM. And I look up and the

6:20two boys bam run off.

6:23Why? Because the real champion wrestler

6:25of the village, Michelle, 5 ft 9 tree

6:28trunk legs, about 220, burlap bag

6:31wrapped with a rope around his waist, he

6:33showed up. He doesn't say a word. He

6:35just stands over me, points to me,

6:37points to himself, and points to over

6:39here. I look over where he's pointing,

6:41and there's a big dirt pit. My heart

6:43starts racing. There's the challenge.

6:45>> So, every detail that Matthew shared

6:47emphasizes that emotional turn from

6:49cocky dude about to show these kids

6:51who's boss all the way to oh That

6:54is the emotional roller coaster, high to

6:56low, and it's a great start. Now, as he

6:58continues, pay attention to the

7:00direction the coaster continues to go,

7:02and also listen to how sharing his

7:04internal monologue creates stakes that

7:06make the ride feel more intense. Again,

7:08this is a great thing to do in your own

7:10story, so pausing to say things like,

7:12"So, I'm thinking, oh this is

7:13bad." work really well. Watch it here.

7:16>> As my heart's beating going, "Oh, no."

7:19I start to get up.

7:21Because as this ear's saying, "Oh, no."

7:23I'm hearing in this other ear, "If you

7:25don't, you will regret this for the rest

7:28of your life. You've got to go do it.

7:29This will at least be a great story to

7:31tell."

7:32So, I get up. Village goes crazy. Woah,

7:34woah, woah, about 80 people have

7:35gathered now. The chief comes out. I'm

7:37standing in the middle of the pit going,

7:38"I'm not sure how this is supposed to

7:39go. What are the rules?" Chief puts his

7:41hands on her head. Michelle grabs me by

7:43the waist, mimics to me, I grab him by

7:45the waist. Then he burrows his forehead

7:47down into my clavicle here, and I burrow

7:49mine into his. So, now we're like two

7:51bulls like this, and the chief puts his

7:53hands on our head, and then raises them

7:55and goes, "Da!" And the crowd goes wild.

7:57Ding ding is what da meant.

7:59So, we start going around, man. So, now

8:01we're in the thick of the story. The

8:02scene is set, stakes are established,

8:04and Matthew is about to play with

8:06pacing.

8:08Pacing is how steep that coaster is. And

8:11for some parts, you want that fast

8:13downward shoot to just rip people

8:15through. So, increase your pace when you

8:17want the audience to feel out of

8:18control, usually like the protagonist.

8:20And at other parts, though, you want

8:22that audience hanging in anticipation.

8:25It's like that first drop at the top of

8:27that first hill when that chain on the

8:28coaster stops, and you're looking down

8:30holding your breath. This is an advanced

8:32move, so just watch how Matthew does it.

8:34So, we start going around, man, and I'm

8:37thinking, okay, I want to get some

8:39leverage on this guy. His legs are like

8:41tree trunks. I'm like, oh, I ain't

8:42getting him down low. So, we're

8:44scrapping, grappling, boom, I get him

8:46over, bam, flip him on his back. He

8:47flips me back over. I backflip him off

8:50my back, I somersault him. He comes in,

8:52gets me in a freaking leg lock that I

8:53can barely breathe. I'm almost got to

8:55tap out from. I shimmy out of that

8:57thing. All of a sudden, Chief comes in

8:58separates us.

9:00I'm hyperventilating, man. Crowd's going

9:02crazy. He's got to split Michelle on

9:04this side, me on this side. I had these

9:06talons men that were in my beard. Like

9:08two of them got torn out during the rest

9:09of the match. Got blood running down me

9:11here. My knees are bleeding, my ankles

9:12are bleeding. I'm hyperventilating and

9:14covered in sweat. I look over at

9:15Michelle, who's staring at me going,

9:19barely a glisten on him. And that's when

9:21the chief goes, "Da!" And I go, "Oh,

9:23Here we go." Now, I want to pause

9:26here, because you just saw one of the

9:27best storytelling tactics and the most

9:29underused. I would legitimately put this

9:31at like the number two slot for things

9:33that you want to use regularly, and it

9:35is the false end. This is when you've

9:38told a story so well that it could be

9:41over and the audience would be

9:42satisfied, but it actually gets more

9:45intense. In video games, this is the

9:47boss fight with multiple phases. In

9:49keynote speeches, this is Steve Jobs

9:51saying, "And one more thing." And then

9:53the audience goes crazy. So, the way you

9:55set this up is that you spend all of

9:57your storytelling ammunition on the

9:59second most crazy part of the story.

10:02That's Matthew really slowing down to

10:04talk about how he's out of breath. He's

10:06from his chin. And it would be even

10:08better if he gave us this internal

10:09monologue of like, "Thank god. That was

10:11the hardest thing I ever did." And then

10:14the chief says, "Round two, go." People

10:17go wild for false endings. It can

10:20completely make a story if you hit this

10:21note right. Back to Matthew now. Watch

10:23how the emotional coaster starts its

10:25climb back up.

10:27>> I got my waist bob bob burro's his head.

10:29I broke my head. We're off. Goes around

10:31again.

10:32Pretty damn good match. Strong. I

10:35flipped him and pinned me. I could We

10:36got up, got moving. All of a sudden

10:37chief comes in and separates us. Raises

10:39both our hands. The crowd goes crazy.

10:42As soon as he lowers our hands, Michelle

10:43runs off. Everyone sees him go and they

10:46come in and grab me and put them on the

10:47shoulders. Dow dow dow dow dow dow. I go

10:51over. Now I'm a big man in the village.

10:54Which means they give me the best chair

10:56that has the least broken straw on the

10:58seat. Which means the village boy finds

11:00me the biggest chicken, plucks it, and

11:02they cook it for dinner for me. Which

11:03means they take me to the cleanest spot

11:05in the river.

11:06I come back that night. We eat. I get on

11:08the roof of the hut. What a magical day.

11:10I lay back. I see the Southern Cross for

11:13the first time in the sky. Like it was a

11:15neon light on a black backdrop. It was

11:17You could not see it. It was so bright.

11:19Staring me right in the face.

11:21I laid there.

11:2230 minutes. I saw 29 shooting stars. I'm

11:25going, "I might have a direct line. I

11:27might be the chosen one."

11:29>> So, now we've got the full arc from good

11:31to bad to worse, to better, to amazing.

11:34And everything Matthew has done is in

11:36service of making that roller coaster

11:38ride feel more intense, higher highs,

11:40lower lows.

11:41But, you still want to end with a bang.

11:44And usually this means a laugh or a

11:46lesson. And Matthew hits both.

11:49>> Just as I'm about to shut my eyes, I got

11:51a little burn in my throat.

11:53>> [clears throat]

11:53>> So, I sit up.

11:56Go to spit it off off the top of the

11:57roof.

12:00Loogie plastered on my face. I forgot I

12:02had put my mosquito net on.

12:03>> [laughter]

12:05>> So, we get that last laugh and one more

12:07reversal. We've done tons of video on

12:08comedy, so I won't go too slow here. But

12:10then, Matthew also adds an epilogue that

12:12gives us the lesson, the moral. And this

12:14is what changes a story from pure

12:15entertainment to a tool for

12:17transformation. Here's Matthew's, and it

12:20happens the next day when he's talking

12:21to another villager.

12:23>> Accept the challenge. That is when you

12:24are a big man in this village. Cuz I was

12:26like, they put me on the shoulders, man.

12:27What was it? He was like, "Oh, you are a

12:29big man when you accept the challenge."

12:31He said, "Whole village think Michelle

12:32going to have strong white man named

12:33Dawa on back in 10 seconds. Over." But

12:36you handled it, Michelle. Not when I

12:37lose. Handled it. But you are a big man

12:39when you accept the challenge.

12:40>> So, we covered a lot. We covered hooks,

12:42scene, embodiment, pacing, endings, and

12:45of course, the emotional roller coaster

12:47ride that drives the entire story. But

12:49there's actually something that is more

12:50important than all of these. And it is

12:53the confidence to tell a story in the

12:55first place. Because almost never does

12:57someone say, "Hey, tell me a story."

12:59Instead, opportunities are going to look

13:01way more like this.

13:02>> If you had aimed for something to be

13:04perfect, and then it delivered itself as

13:06perfect, exactly how you had imagined,

13:09if if if at all possible, would that

13:10have made you happy?

13:11>> I don't know. [laughter]

13:14You're right. [clears throat] Um

13:15>> Would it have made you scared?

13:17>> Both, probably. Because Look, I've had

13:20moments. Let me Let me Let me tell you

13:22one uh

13:23in in in Africa.

13:24>> In charisma terms, this is where Matthew

13:27truly won. This is where he accepted the

13:30challenge. He took the type of question

13:32that could have easily been answered in

13:34a single sentence and turned it into a

13:369-minute story. That takes real

13:39confidence because a lot of us, myself

13:41included, feel like we constantly need

13:43to be maximally efficient in our

13:46communication. So, we'd say something

13:47like, "Oh, yeah, I went to Africa and

13:49wrestled a guy to a draw." Same core

13:51information, but we've built no

13:53connection to the audience. And that

13:55efficiency loses so much value because

13:58not only did Matthew entertain us, but

14:00he also communicated things about

14:01himself that would be really weird to

14:03say outright. He communicated that he's

14:06courageous. He communicated that he's

14:07strong. And he communicated that even

14:09though he's got an ego, he can still

14:11laugh at himself. And he did it all in a

14:13way that the audience is not going to

14:15reject. Even better, he communicated

14:17something to the audience that may

14:19change them. That you aren't a big man

14:21when you win and a small man when you

14:23lose. You are a big man when you accept

14:25the challenge. That's inception. So, my

14:28challenge to you today is to take one

14:30thing that you normally would just say

14:32in a sentence and put it into a story

14:34form. For instance, if someone at work

14:37normally asks you when you enter, "Hey,

14:38how you doing?" or "How was your

14:39weekend?" tell a short story instead of

14:41just saying it was good. Now, learning

14:43to do this more often will have a huge

14:45benefit in so many areas. Because

14:48whether you're on a first date or you're

14:49hanging out with new friends or you're

14:51in an interview, stories let you

14:53communicate the great things about you

14:55without coming across as grandiose and

14:57usually in a way that the other person

14:59accepts much more readily. And if you

15:02wanted to get some other challenges that

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15:06level of confidence in your personal

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