You're (Probably) Not As Ugly As You Think You Are (Mentalization)

0:00So, I'm now officially becoming

0:0240-year-old male virgin. Your now

0:0441-year-old virgin is back with

0:05astonishing results. I love this post.

0:08Here is the astonishing result. Nothing.

0:11Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing.

0:13I'm sorry to let you guys down since

0:15there's always this BS talk about once

0:17you focus on your mission, your job,

0:19don't think about getting a

0:20relationship, just letting go, not

0:21caring, things will fall into place. No,

0:23they don't. Nothing happens. The women

0:25at work ignore me like I'm used to be.

0:28They talk about work-related stuff, but

0:29they don't tell me the time of day. They

0:31don't look at me and they couldn't care

0:32less. Love this. Not because this person

0:34is suffering, but I think this person

0:36captures a huge problem that people

0:39face, which is that there's a lot of

0:41advice out there, right? People say do

0:42this, do this, do this. And this is

0:44great. I like this because this person

0:46like actually like measured, right?

0:48They're like, "Okay, I'm a 40-year-old

0:49virgin. I'm going to try to do a bunch

0:51of stuff." And 1 year later, I like this

0:53because it has the bones of a scientific

0:54study. And a year later, I tried all

0:56this stuff. Actually, nothing happens.

0:59None of it works. Here's the problem.

1:01You know, I can already read the

1:02comments. Oh, there's so much

1:03frustration in your post. No wonder no

1:05one wants to be with you. See, you're

1:07all attached to the outcome. Otherwise,

1:09you wouldn't write like this, etc., etc.

1:10Well, you don't know me in person. I do

1:12so many things right, way more than a

1:14lot of other people. I'm not cynical.

1:16I'm not an [ __ ] I care for people.

1:17I'm funny. I help. I listen. I have

1:18great skills. I care for myself. I have

1:20stuff to do. I'm busy. No addictions. I

1:21write good music. Right, they're also,

1:24by the way, 6'7". So, he gets flirted

1:26with by ladies over 60 who have

1:28diabetes. No other girl woman has ever

1:30flirted with me except old ladies. I

1:31think this is a great post. I appreciate

1:33when people post their problems. So,

1:35here's what really struck to me. That is

1:37the reason I decided to post again to

1:39make stuff clear that gets ignored by

1:40Dr. K and HealthyGamer team. You can do

1:42everything right. You can work your ass

1:44off. You can have all the skills in the

1:45world, but a lot of us are still going

1:47to lose, right? I noticed a trend with a

1:50lot of HG content recently. Everything

1:51isn't working in your life is in some

1:53way or another your fault. You don't

1:55have a boyfriend/girlfriend, it's

1:57because you don't do this or that. Your

1:58mind tells you this or that. You are not

1:59moving forward in life. So, this is kind

2:01of a challenging This is a conflicting

2:02situation. This person says, "Look, I'm

2:04posting because I've watched content for

2:06a year. I've done everything." And this

2:08person has invested a lot and things

2:09like emotional regulation, social skills

2:12building, maybe working out, going to

2:13the gym. They do They do a lot of stuff

2:15and they're here to tell us, "Look, at

2:17HE, you guys are like, 'Hey, do this, do

2:18this, do this.'" So, now I'm sort of

2:20conflicted because

2:23of this. So, when I read this post, I

2:25think that this person isn't doing

2:27everything right. And in fact, I think

2:28they're doing a couple of things very,

2:31very, very wrong. But, on the flip side,

2:33that's what I always say, right? I

2:35always blame the person. Hey, you're

2:37doing something wrong. So, let me Let's

2:39start with that before we get to what to

2:42do. So, first thing that I want to say

2:43is I've worked with a lot of people. I'm

2:45a psychiatrist, work with people who are

2:46depressed, hopeless, people who did

2:48everything right. Top of the list of

2:49people who did everything right and life

2:52still [ __ ] them. Mothers with

2:53borderline personality disorder. If

2:55you've ever talked to a mother with

2:57borderline personality disorder, 55

2:59years old, 58 years old, 62 years old,

3:02estranged from all of their kids, they

3:03did everything right. They tried

3:05everything. They listened to all of the

3:07advice. They've been in therapy for

3:08years. Their kids or Sometimes you just

3:10fail. I've also worked with people with

3:12major depressive disorder, bipolar

3:13disorder, who tried everything. They've

3:15been in therapy for years. Nothing

3:16works. So, now I have a challenge. So,

3:18on the one hand, I don't want to be

3:19punching down, right? This person has

3:23the balls, pretty sure it's a dude, to

3:25show up and say, "Hey, here's my

3:26experience." Shares their authentic

3:28experience. And they even point out this

3:30pattern that Dr. K says, "It's always

3:32your fault, always your fault." On the

3:33flip side, so on the one hand, it feels

3:35like bad to punch down and say, "Hey,

3:38yeah, you're right. You are doing

3:39something wrong." On the flip side,

3:40like, what's my job? My job is precisely

3:43to help people like this. That's why I

3:44got into this. And one of the scariest

3:46things is that this person isn't wrong.

3:49Sometimes there is nothing that you can

3:52do. 9-year-old diagnosed with myeloma

3:56spreading through their body. There is

3:58nothing you can do. I've had

4:00treatment-refractory depression

4:02patients, nothing we could do. I've had

4:04people who are 40-year-old virgins,

4:0650-year-old virgins, 65-year-old

4:08virgins, feels like nothing you can do.

4:11And maybe there is nothing you can do.

4:12Here's the first thing that really

4:14scares me. When you conclude that there

4:17is nothing that can be done, there is a

4:20chance that you're right and there's a

4:21chance that you're wrong. But the thing

4:23that you can do to really doom yourself

4:26is to incorrectly conclude that there is

4:29nothing you can do. The most damning

4:31thing. So, our job is first to get

4:35people to question their conclusions,

4:37right? And I And this is where like I

4:38say this because there are so many

4:43people that have tried it all. This is

4:45not like a small part of the population.

4:47This part of the population is growing.

4:49Or just [ __ ] stuck as wage slaves,

4:52lonely, isolated incels, right? There's

4:55so many people out there who have looked

4:58at advice on the internet, but nothing

5:00seems to work. And this is where, how

5:02can I say this? This presumes that

5:04advice fixes the problem. The problem

5:06though is that if something is not

5:09functioning properly in the way that you

5:12approach the advice, in the way that you

5:15move through the world, if there's

5:16something more fundamental so that

5:18advice doesn't work, then that needs to

5:21be fixed. And I I want to go back. So,

5:23mentalization, I'm not I don't know that

5:24this person has a personality I'm not

5:26diagnosing him with anything, okay? But

5:27it illustrates a point. So, when I read

5:29this post, I turned cuz I've been

5:30reading this text for a year, okay? So,

5:32mentalization-based treatment is a

5:34treatment for personality disorders. And

5:36the cool thing about it is it's very

5:38similar to like yogic practice and

5:40meditative practice. Yogis in India

5:42teach the same stuff that mentalization

5:44people do. The difference is that

5:46mentalization is designed for a group

5:48with a particular pathology. So these

5:50are people with borderline personality

5:51disorder for example, right? So the 58

5:54year old mother like I said whose

5:56children have alienated them and and

5:58they will say literally the same thing.

5:59They say I've looked at all this advice.

6:01I've read all these things about

6:02relationships and stuff like that. I've

6:04tried giving gifts. I've tried listening

6:06to them. I've tried doing this. I've

6:08tried doing this. I've tried doing this.

6:09I've tried doing this. Nothing works.

6:11And that's because it's not the action

6:13that is creating the problem. It is the

6:15underlying way that this person relates

6:19to the things around them. That's why we

6:21call it a personality disorder. Now I've

6:23no idea if this person has a personality

6:24disorder or not. I don't really I can't

6:26evaluate that based on the information.

6:28It's not my job. My point though is that

6:31this thing that works for BPD can be

6:34applied in some way sort of like in the

6:35yogic system. We can use it for

6:37everybody. So if you are someone that

6:40tries a lot of advice and none of it

6:43works, you have to look deeper. And this

6:45may not work for you, but I am still

6:48going to try. Right? So if I meet you

6:50where you're at and you're like, yeah,

6:51[ __ ]

6:54I'm not willing to do that. I could be

6:56wrong, could be arrogant, could be an

6:58[ __ ] But for those of y'all who have

7:00given up on anything working, that's why

7:02I [ __ ] started this is to help y'all.

7:04And I want to make a case. I want to

7:06show you guys what the actual problem

7:09is, okay? It could be could be

7:10hypothetically. So this is a problem of

7:12mentalization. And let's understand what

7:14mentalization is. It's kind of like such

7:16a weird thing. So mentalization is

7:19understanding that actions and behaviors

7:23in the outside world are connected and

7:26driven by things in the inside world.

7:29That's it. Now it seems like common

7:31sense and it sort of is, but there are a

7:33lot of things about mentalization that

7:35like are really hard to understand. Once

7:37we show you guys what's in the book,

7:40it'll become more clear. So the first

7:41thing is that everyone is going to say,

7:43"Yeah, I do that. Everybody does that."

7:45And you're kind of right. Everyone does

7:47it to some degree, but some people do it

7:50more poorly than others. And the better

7:52that you get at it, the less likely you

7:55will end up with nothing works. It's the

7:57fundamental thing. So, if nothing works,

8:00but it works for other people, I don't

8:01know if this makes sense. There's like a

8:02piece of the equation that's missing,

8:04right? And this person says that they're

8:06ugly. It's hard to work to accept that

8:08I'm ugly. And maybe the person is ugly,

8:10we don't know. But here's the thing. Uh

8:11I don't know. I sort of had a brain fart

8:13there. Forgot what I was saying, but

8:15let's go back to the core of

8:16mentalization, okay? I had some point.

8:18So, mentalization is like understanding

8:20that behaviors are driven by internal

8:22things. Now, here's the key thing about

8:24mentalization. This also means an

8:26understanding of other people's

8:29behaviors being driven by internal

8:32things, okay? This person kind of

8:33concludes that no one has ever flirted

8:36with him. And then if you kind of dig

8:38down into it, he talks more about like

8:40this means that I'm ugly. So, what he

8:41kind of says is like, "Since no one

8:44flirts with me, that means that I am

8:46ugly." So, there's a couple of things

8:47about mentalization that we have to

8:49understand that are kind of weird, okay?

8:50The first is that mentalization is

8:52something called preconscious. This is a

8:54bit hard. You all You all got to bear

8:56with me because it's Just bear with me,

8:58it'll make sense, okay? Mentalization is

8:59preconscious. What does that mean? It's

9:01kind of weird. It means a bunch of

9:02calculations about why things happen are

9:06made before you were consciously aware

9:08of them. And they get served up to you

9:10with a silver platter. And a prime

9:12example is no woman over 60 has ever

9:14flirted with me, therefore I am ugly,

9:17okay? Do you see how that thought is

9:19logical, but it gets served up to you?

9:22So, one feature of people who I don't

9:24know if this person doesn't mentalize

9:26well, but if you look at the spectrum of

9:27people who mentalize well versus people

9:29who don't mentalize well, some people

9:31who mentalize well are able to consider

9:34lots of hypotheses. So, is the reason

9:38that they don't flirt with me because I

9:41can't detect flirting accurately, which

9:43by the way, fascinating study. There's a

9:46study where they had people flirting and

9:48they videotaped the interaction. Two

9:50people flirting or one person is

9:52flirting with the other person. Then

9:53they had this videotape is watched by a

9:56neutral observer. So, I'm going to show

9:58you a videotape of person A flirting

10:01with person B. 64%

10:04of people who are neutral observers

10:06watching a tape from flirting could not

10:09detect flirting. Loneliness is at an

10:10all-time high, sexlessness is at an

10:12all-time high, relationships are

10:14probably in the worst state they've ever

10:16been [music] in the history of humanity.

10:18And that's why I made Dr. K's Guide to

10:20Love, Sex, and Relationships. Let's talk

10:22about who you should actually date.

10:24Falling in love is sometimes one of the

10:26biggest mistakes [music] that you can

10:27make. You know, I started to do a lot of

10:29research about how to have like really

10:31[music] good sex. Visit

10:33healthygamer.gg/guide

10:35to learn more. Good luck out there,

10:36[ __ ] Y'all are going to need

10:38it.

10:39So, here's what mentalizing is, okay?

10:41So, here's me and here's you. So, the

10:43first thing is that there is a self and

10:46there is an other. And then there are

10:47actions on both sides and then there are

10:50internal, external. This is the core

10:53thing of mentalizing. The more that you

10:55are able to separate these things out

10:57and simultaneously consider them, the

11:00better you are at mentalizing. I should

11:02have started with this. When you fail to

11:03separate these things, you become weaker

11:05at mentalizing. So, the core thing, if

11:08we remember mentalizing is psychic

11:11equivalence. What is in my mind, there

11:13is no separation between the outside

11:16world and my internal mind. So, if I

11:18were to ask you, so here's a really

11:19clear test to see how good or bad you

11:23are at mentalizing. If I were to ask

11:25you, "Tell me about yourself." And then

11:27I were to ask you, "What would other

11:30people say about you?" The closer those

11:33answers are, the more bad you are at

11:35mentalizing. Right? So, in BPD, this

11:38kind of makes sense. When When someone

11:40treats me poorly, that means I'm a bad

11:43person. When someone doesn't flirt with

11:45me, that means I'm ugly. And it's not

11:48that it isn't true. You may be ugly, but

11:51there is a differential diagnosis for an

11:54absence of flirting. Maybe the reason

11:56that they aren't flirting with you is

11:57because they're going through a breakup.

11:59Maybe the reason that you aren't

12:00flirting with you is because you are

12:01missing it. Maybe the reason that

12:03they're not flirting with you is because

12:05they're gay. Maybe the reason that

12:06they're not flirting with you is because

12:08they view you with you developed a

12:09platonic relationship with them. You

12:11missed the boat on the window of

12:14expressing romantic interest. And so,

12:16they have slotted you. They have

12:17friend-zoned with you. That doesn't mean

12:18you're ugly. You can friend-zone people

12:21who are physically attractive. Happens

12:22all the time. This really confuses

12:24people, right? They're like, "Oh my god,

12:26how can you possibly be friends with

12:29someone who is physically attractive?"

12:31Here's a prime example of the failure of

12:34mentalization, the failure of the gap

12:37between self and other. "I have

12:39difficulty making friends with people

12:41that I'm attracted to. Therefore, if you

12:45claim to be able to do it, it is false.

12:48You are lying. You are deluding

12:50yourself. It cannot be done. I cannot do

12:53it. Therefore, it cannot be done. How

12:56have you tried to do it? I don't know.

12:57Forget all those questions." It is

12:59preconscious.

13:01It just presents in your head. This is

13:03the failure of mentalizing, separation

13:06between self and other. It doesn't

13:08necessarily say anything about you if

13:12someone behaves in a particular way.

13:15We're not saying that there isn't a

13:16correlation. We're not saying that There

13:18absolutely studies that show that if you

13:20are more ugly, you will get less

13:22romantic interest. That is true. But do

13:25Do guys understand that there's a

13:26difference between that generalization,

13:29but it is also true that sometimes

13:32people who are below five on

13:34attractiveness end up having healthy

13:37relationships that are sexually

13:38fulfilling and have kids, right? Where

13:40do ugly people in the world come from?

13:42They have ugly parents. And I'm not

13:44saying that to be a dick, but like you

13:46guys get that, right? When two pretty

13:48people have kids, their kids are pretty.

13:50When two mediocre people have kids,

13:52their kids are mediocre. When two ugly

13:54people have kids, their kids are ugly.

13:55Where do ugly children come from? It's

13:57like I'm not trying to be a dick here.

13:59And of course there's variance.

14:00Sometimes you get two pretty people who

14:02have a mediocre kid. Sometimes you get

14:04two mediocre parents who have beautiful

14:06children. Sometimes you get two mediocre

14:07parents who have ugly children. There's

14:09a certain amount of beauty is in the eye

14:10of the beholder. There's a certain

14:11amount that's objective. My point is

14:13that it's once again preconscious. It

14:14just presents to you in this way. And

14:17the key thing about mentalization is you

14:19have to be able to separate out internal

14:22drives with external behaviors. That's

14:23the other thing. So first is separation

14:25of self and other. Second thing is when

14:27I act a certain way, it is because of

14:30certain things. So prime example of poor

14:33mentalization that is not personality

14:35disordered is avoidant attachment, fear

14:38of commitment. Why have you guys been

14:40dating for seven years and aren't

14:41getting married? And this is where y'all

14:43may say, "Ah, I see what you're saying,

14:44Dr. K. This is the internal driver that

14:47is leading to a lack of marriage."

14:49Incorrect. This is the preconscious

14:52mentalization response. Fear of

14:53commitment isn't actually the reason.

14:55Fear of commitment is what pops into

14:57your head originally, but there are

14:59thousand different things that go into

15:02this. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm not

15:04afraid of commitment. I want nothing

15:06more than to be married to this person,

15:07but I think they are better than I am.

15:09I'm afraid I'm going to screw it up. I

15:11have sexual thoughts about other people.

15:14I've got FOMO. Once I get married, it

15:16means marriage equals decrease in

15:20freedom. You guys see my point? This is

15:23rich. There's all kinds of stuff going

15:25on. It's not a fear of commitment, it is

15:27a thousand different things that we that

15:29our brain says, "Oh, yeah, it's fear of

15:31commitment." This is what people don't

15:32realize. Flirting is designed to be

15:34missed. The whole point of flirting is

15:36like safety, right? If I come on too

15:38hard, then it makes things awkward. So,

15:40the way that I'm safe about it is like I

15:42have plausible deniability, right? And

15:44so, the whole point of flirting is that

15:46we don't want to send a strong signal.

15:48We want to send a weak signal that is

15:50hopefully picked up and then

15:51reciprocated. That's how it works. And

15:53this is insane. These are neutral

15:55observers. They're not even people in

15:56the interaction. In the interaction,

15:58your likelihood of detecting it is even

16:01way lower. And you guys may have seen

16:02these posts on social media about like,

16:04"I don't understand why men don't

16:06approach me. Like, I'm sending signals.

16:08They're not picking them up." That gets

16:10into other stuff about, you know, like

16:12men being afraid to approach women and

16:13respecting boundaries and things like

16:14that. We're not going to go down that

16:15that road. My point here is that when

16:17you are good at mentalizing, anything

16:20that happens in your life, whether it is

16:21your behavior or somebody else's

16:23behavior, you are able to see lots of

16:26different reasons for it, okay? So,

16:28let's look at this text. Characteristics

16:31of mentalizing. Central concept that is

16:33that internal states are opaque.

16:35Remember we said it's preconscious. So,

16:37the first thing that mentalization

16:39researchers figured out is that the

16:41default state is for your emotions,

16:45motivations, desires, and thoughts to be

16:48hidden from you, right? Everyone thinks

16:50they know what's going on inside them.

16:52It's actually the opposite. Like, you

16:54just get floated if you really pay

16:55attention to this is so weird. You get

16:57floated a conclusion. My boss doesn't

16:59like me. And people can ask you about

17:01it, but it's not like you literally went

17:03through like a sequential pro- You think

17:06you did, but that's not actually what

17:07you did, okay? Inferences are prone to

17:09error, and so mentalizing easily goes

17:12awry. Inferences. No one is flirting

17:14with me, therefore {dot} {dot} {dot}.

17:16Unlike most aspects of the physical

17:18world are readily changeable. So,

17:20overarching principle of mentalizing is

17:21to take an inquisitive stance, okay? So,

17:23we're going to show you all when

17:25mentalizing is done incorrectly, what

17:28does it look like? Pre-mentalizing modes

17:30of subjectivity. Mind-world isomorphism,

17:33mental reality equals outer reality.

17:36Internal has the same power as external,

17:38thoughts are felt as real. Subjective

17:40experience of the mind can be

17:42terrifying. Intolerance of alternative

17:44perspectives links to concrete

17:46understanding. Self-related negative

17:48conditions may be felt to be too real.

17:50Reflects domination of self-affects

17:52state thinking with limited internal

17:54focus. Managed in therapy by clinician

17:56by avoiding being with well, okay. Here

17:57we Here it is. Cuz everything's in my

17:59book. What does non-mentalizing look

18:01like? Excessive detail to the exclusions

18:04of motivations, feelings, or thoughts.

18:07So, when we look at this, okay? There's

18:09nothing you can tell me I don't already

18:10know, but that is not the reason I'm

18:12writing this. The reason is to show you

18:13that even after doing all of it and

18:15more, some people are not going to make

18:16it, some will lose. I am a person who

18:19has individual appearance that no one

18:20seems to like. Well, I shouldn't say no

18:21one. The only group of men flirting with

18:24me are over 60 and have diabetes. This

18:26is no joke. It is funny, yes, because

18:28the pattern became so obvious, but it is

18:30true. No other girl has ever flirted

18:32with me except old ladies. And just for

18:33the record, I am 6'7", okay? So, let's

18:36look at exclusion of motivations,

18:39thoughts, or feelings. Do you guys

18:41detect in this any semblance of the

18:45women's motivations, thoughts, or

18:47feelings? Are these complex human beings

18:49that are driven by all kinds of stuff?

18:52Is the picture that we're seeing here

18:54more like this or more like this? How

18:57unidimensional is it? This, by the way,

18:59is a great paper. Highly recommended if

19:01you guys want a good summary on

19:02mentalization. Focus on social factors.

19:04Focus on physical or structural labels.

19:07Lazy, tired. Oh, yeah, the reason that

19:10things are this way in my life is

19:12because I'm lazy. Preoccupation with

19:14rules and responsibilities, denial of

19:17involvement in problem, this is more

19:18pathological, right? Or maybe it's not.

19:21This person tried everything, so they're

19:24sort of involved in the problem. This is

19:25what's tricky. We have to get to pseudo

19:27mentalizing later. Blaming or fault

19:29finding, this too is like kind of black

19:31and white. Expressions of certainty

19:33about thoughts and or feelings of

19:35others. This is my favorite. In this

19:37person's mind, how certain are they that

19:41other people find them ugly? Now, this

19:44is what's really confusing about

19:46mentalizing. Here's what's really

19:48confusing. So, if I were to just ask

19:49you, this is how you tell. I'm not

19:50interested in arguing about whether this

19:52person is ugly or not ugly. In the

19:54mentalization textbook, there's a

19:56beautiful passage about how they say,

19:58"The biggest mistake you can make as a

20:00therapist is actually in in engaging

20:03with this crap at all." If you try to

20:05prove to them or you inquire, "Are you

20:07ugly? Are you not ugly?" You've already

20:10lost the battle. Okay, so I'm going to

20:12explain how you fix mentalizing, okay?

20:14Because people say, "I am ugly. I am

20:16lazy. Here's all the evidence." Here is

20:18how you fix mentalization. Fear of

20:21attachment. And then I say, "No, bro.

20:23Like like let's get you like secure

20:24attachment, right?" When you engage with

20:27this and argue with someone about this,

20:29it doesn't work. That's not how you fix

20:32mentalization. It is not even trying to

20:34convince the person that they're ugly.

20:35If I tried to convince this person that

20:36they were not ugly, what would they do?

20:38Wouldn't work. The way you fix

20:40mentalization is by adding all of these

20:42arrows. The way you fix mentalization is

20:44not in dealing with any truth in your

20:48mind. It is understanding fundamentally

20:51on a more basic level that truth in your

20:54mind is not true. You'll get that? Like

20:56this is why I'm doing this. I know it's

20:58hard to understand. I know it's been a

21:00circuitous route, right? So, if I get it

21:02get into this say, "Oh, I should do

21:03something I I should go to the gym every

21:05day." And if I engage with them around

21:07that, lost. They say, "Oh yeah, I don't

21:09need to stop drinking." Yeah, you do.

21:11Try to convince them, lost. Game over,

21:13right? If they are blaming themselves,

21:15if I am working with an incel and they

21:17say, "All women are bitches." and I try

21:19to argue with them about that belief,

21:21lost. No way. "Oh yeah, I am this way

21:24because my neighbors are mean." That's

21:26the fault. The solution is actually in

21:28just adding more to the equation. What

21:31mentalization is is it is separating out

21:34self from other. We're moving this in

21:37this direction. I'm over here, you're

21:39over here. It is in separating out

21:41behaviors from motivations. This person

21:44did not flirt with me because of this,

21:46this, this, or this. So, now what we're

21:48going to do is look at forms of

21:50non-mentalizing. Number one, psychic

21:53equivalence.

21:54Okay? So, what is in my mind is tied to

21:59the outside world, basically. What this

22:01means is that if I believe something in

22:04here, internal, external. I believe I am

22:07ugly, therefore no one flirts with me.

22:09These two things are connected. Healthy

22:11mentalizing is doing this. Literally

22:14separating out. So, when I'm I'm working

22:16with people in this capacity, like if

22:18I'm working with someone with BPD, love

22:20working people with people with BPD. One

22:22of the most enriching and wonderful

22:24experiences I've had as a therapist.

22:26Which I know some people don't like

22:27people with BPD, but like they're just

22:28amazing human beings. And the reason I

22:30love it is because they're trying so

22:33hard, but they're missing something

22:35fundamental. And if you can help them

22:37realize that, you see such an amazing

22:41outcome change. Their life transforms.

22:44They have stable relationships. People

22:46invite them to things instead of trying

22:48to dodge. It's like night and day. So,

22:51if you connect internal feelings with

22:53external stuff, why don't women Why can

22:56I I feel ashamed? I feel alone. I feel

23:00rejected. I feel hopeless. All of this

23:04collapses into sexual marketplace value.

23:07You guys kind of see that? Another form

23:09of poor mentalizing, teleological mode,

23:12okay? A focus on understanding actions

23:15in terms of their physical as opposed to

23:17mental constraints. Over-reliance on

23:20what is physically observable.

23:21Understanding of self and others in

23:23terms of physical behaviors. Only a

23:25modification in the physical world is

23:27taken to be a true indicator of the

23:30intentions of others. Manifests itself

23:34as behaviors that generate observable

23:36outcomes. Extreme external focus.

23:40Momentary loss of controlled

23:42mentalizing. Misuse of mentalizing for

23:44teleological ends. Okay, this is where

23:47we get to the pathology. But this is

23:48what I want you guys to focus on.

23:50Over-reliance on what is physically

23:51observable. Understanding self and

23:53others in terms of physical behaviors.

23:55You guys heard of looksmaxing? You guys

23:57heard of sexual marketplace value? Have

23:59you heard of being an alpha? When these

24:01people talk, where is their focus?

24:03They're deterministic. If you look a

24:05certain way, if you make a certain

24:07amount of money, women will [ __ ] you.

24:09High-value woman, men will line up and

24:11they'll buy you bags and they'll buy you

24:12this and they'll pay for this and

24:13they'll pay for this. Focus on external

24:14things. If a man does not pay for your

24:17hair, pay for your nails, pay for your

24:19bag, he doesn't value you enough. The

24:22concept that someone could value you

24:25more than anything in the world, but

24:28they're [ __ ] broke today, does not

24:30even enter their minds. Do you guys see

24:32that? Like how insane that is? That a

24:35behavior that someone has does not

24:38correlate one to one with what goes on

24:41inside them. And I've seen this like all

24:43kinds of ways, right? So like when I'm

24:45working with someone who is suicidal and

24:47has major

24:48bipolar disorder is the person I'm

24:49thinking about right now. Severe bipolar

24:52depression. They want to kill

24:53themselves. Why? Because they love their

24:55family. And I've also worked with

24:57children of people who killed

24:58themselves. And they believe, "Oh my

25:00god, my dad, if he had loved me more, he

25:02would have stayed alive." Right? There's

25:04like a complete disconnect. Dad thinks,

25:06"You're better off without me." Child

25:08thinks, "If my dad loved me, then he

25:10would have survived. He would have kept

25:11going. He wouldn't have done this." They

25:13look at one action, and they end up in

25:15completely opposite poles. And once

25:17again, the solution here is not to

25:19convince someone that they did love them

25:21or didn't love them or anything like

25:22that. That's not the solution. This is

25:23where people so many people miss the

25:25boat. I'm going to say this like 10

25:27times during this lecture because I want

25:28it to sink in, and it's not clear to me

25:30that I have the capacity to explain this

25:33in the way that I want y'all to

25:34understand it, which is maybe a failure

25:36of my mentalization. Maybe I should look

25:38at what I'm saying and then realize,

25:39"Okay, I'm actually explaining it pretty

25:41well." The solution to mentalization is

25:42not meeting in the middle, it's adding

25:45additional arrows. And when we have this

25:47teleological framework, okay? Like,

25:50literally, you can look at stuff about

25:52manosphere, you can examine this post if

25:54you want to. And what you will find in

25:56this post is physical things that are

25:59hyper-focused on. Actually, this person

26:01does a really good job. They they talk

26:02about all kinds of other stuff. I think

26:03there's a lot of good stuff going on

26:05here. So, not to demonize. There's a

26:07There's a lot here. Okay, so let's the

26:08big difference between this person and

26:09like manosphere looks maxing kind of

26:11people. And And this once again is like,

26:13you know, it's not about whether

26:15improving your looks improves your

26:16chances of dating. There's no question

26:18about that. But it's like, what are the

26:20other variables? And people who are poor

26:22at mentalizing have few variables. Then

26:25we go to pre-mentalizing modes of

26:27subjectivity. Ideas do not form a bridge

26:29between inner and outer reality. The

26:32mental world is severed from outer

26:34reality. This gets a little bit more

26:35pathologic, okay? To the listeners, this

26:38is what's really cool. You can detect

26:40whether someone is bad at mentalizing

26:43based on your response. If you roll your

26:46eyes and stop paying attention to them,

26:48their reasoning is kind of circular. So,

26:50like, when you see like people start

26:52going on political when they start

26:54vomiting what they have ingested about

26:57politics. Does that make sense? I'm a

26:59swallow out of political stuff. It's

27:01going to be in here and I'm going to

27:02just vomit it back out without really

27:03thinking about it, without understanding

27:05the nuance, without understanding

27:06contradictory perspectives. The

27:08patient's discourse feels empty and

27:10meaningless unless you mentalize in the

27:12same way, in which case it feels like

27:14truth that no one else is willing to

27:16accept. Marked by simultaneously held

27:18contradictory beliefs. Okay? This is

27:21another big one. If sexual marketplace

27:22value is a thing, why are most of the

27:24human beings on the planet who are

27:25mating of average looks? If this is a

27:28thing, why is there so much evidence?

27:30Like I I think a good example of this,

27:32we did this pretty [ __ ] clickbait

27:34video. This is one of the clickbaits

27:35that I can actually get behind of why

27:37women prefer beta males. And there's a

27:39really cool study that shows that the

27:41drive for muscularity, how muscular you

27:44want to be, is inversely correlated with

27:47the length of your relationship. So, the

27:49more muscular you want to be, the less

27:51likely you are to be in a long-term

27:53relationship, right? And women are able

27:55to pick up on this. So, they actually

27:57prefer dudes that are like more in the

28:00median, towards the median, than people

28:02who are very extreme. But that's not

28:03what people would have you believe.

28:05They'd have you believe that if you get

28:07in shape and you make more money, if you

28:10What is it again? Do everything right.

28:13They want you to believe that you can do

28:14everything right. You can work your ass

28:16off. You can have all the skills. They

28:18want you to believe that you're going to

28:19win. That these external behaviors will

28:22mathematically lead to a particular

28:25solution. And that's what we see in this

28:27community, right? We see this sort of

28:28idea that if you do if you make more

28:30money and you do this with your hair and

28:32you do this and you do this, you get leg

28:33lifts, you break your shins apart,

28:35insert metal rods to get 2 in

28:37taller, that if you do these things that

28:39there is a there's just a really clear

28:42physically observable things, physical

28:44behaviors that you you do that'll it'll

28:45the problem. People's minds basically

28:47don't exist. People don't have choice.

28:49They don't have preferences. They don't

28:51have traumas. None of that stuff

28:52matters. Doesn't exist even. And this is

28:54the interesting thing, it's

28:55preconscious. Okay? Here's a basic

28:57problem. So, if I am saying this to you,

29:00this is a problem of mentalization. You

29:02may have various rejections of it,

29:03arguments against it, whatever. Either

29:05you'll reject what I say, which is fine

29:07cuz I could be wrong, right? So, that's

29:09like part of my attempt to mentalize is

29:11the acknowledgement that just because it

29:13feels true for me, it could be wrong for

29:15you. And just because it makes up sense

29:16up here doesn't mean that it's actually

29:18true in the external world. Fine. Second

29:20thing, this is what's actually like

29:22trickier. Okay? Hard to teach, but

29:24really important. Is a lot of y'all will

29:26say, "I already do this. You're right,

29:29Dr. K. Plebs, [ __ ] plebs on the

29:31internet, they don't do this, but I do."

29:34So, we got to talk about pseudo

29:35mentalizing. So, intrusive pseudo

29:38mentalizing is characterized by

29:39opaqueness of minds is not respected.

29:42So, this is the first thing. There is a

29:44disrespect of If you say you do this,

29:47there may be some of it that you do, but

29:49there's a lot of it that you're not

29:51doing that you don't see. Does that kind

29:53of make sense? It's kind of a mindfuck

29:55where it's like you see the part that

29:57you do, but you don't respect that there

29:59are things going on in your mind that

30:01you're not aware of. Like that's the

30:03baseline, okay? Here's another example.

30:06Here I love this. Extends knowledge of

30:08thoughts and feelings beyond a specific

30:10context. So, if you believe you

30:12mentalize, but you instead of looking at

30:15individual scenarios, you are making

30:17generalizations, then you are not

30:19mentalizing properly. You're doing

30:21something called pseudo mentalizing.

30:22Presents knowledge of thoughts and

30:24feelings in an unqualified way. So, what

30:26does an unqualified way mean? I

30:28interpret this to be whatever [ __ ] your

30:31brain generates, are you able to look at

30:34the shortcomings in that thinking? Case

30:36in point, I did it when I said, "Oh,

30:39like maybe when When say mentalization

30:41is important, I must acknowledge that

30:43you guys may disagree. So, it's like

30:44looking at the shortcomings in your own

30:46thinking. And what mistake am I making?

30:48I am failing in recognizing the

30:51opaqueness of my own thoughts. So, I can

30:54point out, you see guys, I'm

30:55mentalizing. I pointed out the

30:57weaknesses in my thoughts. But, even I

31:00am unaware of lots of things in my

31:03thinking. Does that kind of make sense?

31:05So, even when I say I'm mentalizing

31:07well, I'm failing one of these

31:08requirements because I'm not recognizing

31:10the opaqueness of my thoughts. There are

31:12all kinds of other considerations which

31:13I might not might not be thinking about.

31:15Is this an ego battle between me and

31:17some [ __ ] Redditor where I'm using my

31:19platform to bludgeon them? That could be

31:21something that is opaque that I'm not

31:22aware of, right? Okay. This one's kind

31:25of scary, okay? Presents thoughts and

31:27feelings with a richness and complexity

31:29that is unlikely to be based on

31:30evidence. So, this one is kind of hard

31:33to manage, but I'll tell you what this

31:35looks like. When you see a wall of text

31:39that may not be supported by external

31:43things, that's when you're doing this.

31:45And if you guys pay attention to mental

31:46health subreddits or people, you know,

31:48just talking about stuff on the

31:49internet, really good example of this is

31:51like strong political discussions,

31:53they're walls of text all the time that

31:56people are very very very passionate

31:57about that and they just assume that if

32:00I'm really passionate about it and I

32:01write about it a lot about it that

32:02there's like a lot of evidence to

32:03support it. You guys kind of get what

32:04I'm saying? What I want y'all to do is

32:06judge with a critical eye. When someone

32:09presents a wall of text, what is the

32:10actual evidence and how strongly do they

32:12feel about it? Next thing. Here's a

32:14beautiful thing. When challenged,

32:17defaults to non-mentalizing

32:19accounts. Love this. When someone is

32:23challenged, they will become

32:25hyper-teleological.

32:26Everybody knows women only date men who

32:31have money, are this tall. So, when you

32:34challenge someone, they can even

32:36mentalize at the beginning. But their

32:38response isn't hyper teleological. Their

32:40response isn't psychic equivalence. I

32:43feel this way, therefore it is true.

32:45Right? So strongly held political

32:47beliefs, you will see this very clearly.

32:49When you challenge someone's political

32:51perspective, do they critically think

32:53about it or do they default to all

32:56liberals, all conservatives, all this,

32:58all that? We start to become black and

33:00white. Now, the problem is that this

33:01person will sort of do what what's

33:03called a pseudo mentalization, okay? So,

33:05intrusive pseudo mentalizing, let's talk

33:07about destructively inaccurate pseudo

33:09mentalizing. Denial of objective

33:11realities that undermine subjective

33:13experience. Huge. People who are in your

33:16demographic sometimes do better than you

33:20are capable of doing. They're like,

33:21"Nope, I'm doomed. There's nothing I can

33:23do." Sometimes, and this is more

33:25pathological, I think, denying someone's

33:27real feelings and replacing them with a

33:29false construction. This is when we get

33:30to like borderline personality disorder

33:32and antisocial personality disorder and

33:35and things like that. Another example of

33:37pseudo active pseudo mentalizing is

33:38thoughts about others felt by them as

33:40confusing and obscure. If you literally

33:42like ask people like when when someone

33:44says something that is contrary to your

33:46experience, "What is your experience of

33:49that?" They're like, "I just really

33:50don't understand it." They start with

33:52this person is wrong. And then they

33:54really, and I love this in our community

33:56because you guys will try. It's

33:58beautiful to see, right? And and the

33:59person who posted this, like I'm so

34:01grateful to you because we could not be

34:02having this discussion unless you had

34:04the balls to post this. And people will

34:06show up and they'll be like, "I really

34:08do not understand. I'm going down the

34:11incel pipeline. I do not understand I

34:13cannot fathom why someone would date

34:17anyone like me. I cannot understand it."

34:19People say this all the time. "I'm

34:21confused. Like it really just does not

34:22make sense." People say they want

34:24someone who's supportive, and I'm

34:25supportive, and I'm alone. It does not

34:27make any sense to me. And see what

34:30they're the mistake they're making, and

34:31now we kind of get to this. The mistake

34:33they're making is they're not respecting

34:36all of these other things. And this is

34:38the core thing about mentalizing, okay?

34:41And this is sort of a solution, but

34:43we're going to be pretty quick about it.

34:44The simplest thing The reason that I

34:46focused all of these things on the

34:48negative aspects of mentalizing is it's

34:50pretty simple, don't do that. Now,

34:52that's a bit more complex, which I

34:53agree. And And remember that mentalizing

34:55is something that, you know, this is a

34:57clinical manual designed designed for

35:00fully trained mental health

35:02professionals. And if you guys want to

35:03know what to do, this cannot be reduced

35:05to a 5-minute YouTube video. Let's look

35:07at one other negative thing. So, here's

35:09a list of things that the more you

35:11observe these, the less likely

35:12mentalization is happening in a healthy

35:14way. Lack of attention to thoughts,

35:16feelings, and wishes of others.

35:17Predisposition to massive

35:18generalizations and prejudice. Circular

35:21explanations. A concrete explanations

35:24are extended beyond the rain range

35:26within which they are could be

35:27appropriately used. Good example of this

35:29is the concept males and wolves and

35:31stuff like that. You can make whatever

35:32general observation about biology that

35:35you want to from an animal species, and

35:38some of that is going to translate over

35:40into humans. But, like, unless you are

35:42accounting for the complex nature of

35:45human conditioning, bonding, social

35:48norms, you know, I I I I've never heard

35:50of a wolf being pressured to be an

35:52investment banker. So, unless you're

35:54incorporating that possibility into your

35:56model, the model doesn't translate.

35:58Speaking in absolute terms, he always

36:01Style of blaming or fault-finding.

36:03Exaggerated characterizations and

36:05black-and-white thinking. Attributions

36:07in terms of unchangeable personal

36:09characteristics.

36:11I'm ugly. Inflexible and rigid, sticking

36:14to the first reasonable account of

36:16behavior. Assumptions and motives based

36:18on physical appearance. Y'all, this text

36:21was published in 2016, and it's like,

36:24"Wow, 10 years later, how many people

36:27does this describe? Arbitrarily

36:28established ideas accepted without

36:30question. Once again, alpha males.

36:32Overgeneralizing from single instances

36:33of expression on the part of others to a

36:35general and more extreme state. Just

36:37look at this. Like this is nuts, right?

36:39This is insane. Like this describes what

36:42is happening in our society right now at

36:47a huge level. Political conflict, wars,

36:50gender dynamics, the threat of AI. The

36:53people who say, "Oh yeah, AI is going to

36:55replace everybody's job." Are they

36:57mentalizing? Are they generalizing? Are

36:59they considering alternative

37:00perspectives? Are they looking at

37:02studies from MIT that suggest that

37:03actually it's not going to replace a

37:05whole lot, right? There was a study

37:06recently that sort of suggested that.

37:08Conversation for a different day. So,

37:09what's happening right now is we have

37:11this like information trash diet that is

37:13conditioning our thinking. And the more

37:16conditioned our thinking becomes, the

37:18more divorced from reality we become.

37:22Because basically there's this thing

37:25called science. And science has one, you

37:28know, it's got several, but it's got

37:29like one pretty consistent conclusion,

37:33which is that a worldly phenomenon is

37:35made up of multiple things, generally.

37:38So, if you look at economics, there is

37:40not like economics is not an on-off

37:41switch. There's lots of different

37:43factors. Even at the level of like cell

37:46membrane dynamics, there are complex

37:49equations that govern cell membranes.

37:51Are they reducible to chemical forces,

37:54biological forces, and physical forces?

37:56Absolutely. Can we predict a lot of that

37:57stuff? Absolutely. Neuronal firing is on

38:00the one hand really simple. Electrical

38:02charge passes across a membrane,

38:04depolarizes the membrane, fires a

38:06neuron. But as we add layers of

38:09complexity, a neuron firing does not

38:11mean no one wants to [ __ ] you, bluntly.

38:13The more complex the system becomes, the

38:16more complex our view needs to become.

38:19So, if we look at a human behavior and

38:20we want to ask, why is this true in my

38:24life? The more variables you add to the

38:27equation, the more likely you are to get

38:30to a good result. Now, there is a limit

38:33to the variables that you need to add,

38:34which is based on things like factor

38:35analysis. So, if we look at something

38:37like charisma, there are five to 12

38:40different components of charisma.

38:42Interestingly enough, physical

38:43appearance is number six. There are five

38:46more things that are more important to

38:47having charisma than your physical

38:50appearance. If you need evidence of

38:51that, just look at no shade on the dude,

38:54Winston Churchill. Incredibly

38:55charismatic. I don't know that his

38:57OnlyFans would be super successful,

38:59right? And maybe that's just my take on

39:01his physical appearance. Winston

39:02Churchill's known for a lot of things,

39:04being a sexy [ __ ] I don't know

39:05how true that is. Maybe he is known for

39:07that, okay? So, now the question

39:08becomes, okay, Dr. K, what do I do? And

39:11this is where it's one of those things

39:12where there are a lot of things to do,

39:14but telling you all of them doesn't

39:16help. You need to start with the first

39:18one and do it really well. And it's

39:19really simple. Okay, let's talk about

39:21what to do. I couldn't find what I was

39:23looking for, but I will find it. But

39:25we're going to go to this. So, the

39:26problem with mentalizing is that

39:28everything is one thing, psychic

39:30equivalence, right? Hyper-reliance on

39:32physical things. Like these are the

39:34problems. So, what we want to do, goal

39:36with mentalizing is add arrows and

39:38separate things out. So, there is

39:39internal and external. These are not the

39:41same. What do you feel and what does

39:43somebody else feel? So, my favorite

39:45example of this cuz I've asked this to

39:46people with BPD, how do you feel about

39:48yourself? How do other people feel about

39:49you? answers are the same, you're not

39:51mentalizing properly, period, right?

39:53There's a difference between how other

39:54people perceive you and how you perceive

39:56yourself. So, the more you add to that

39:59gap, the more you're mentalizing.

40:01Actually, this is self versus other. So,

40:03good examples of this are borderline

40:05personality disorder, which is when self

40:06and other are together, right? There's

40:09no difference. If someone is mad at me,

40:11that means that I'm a loser. Their

40:13feelings aren't separated from my

40:14feelings. Here's what's really

40:15interesting, mentalizing works really

40:17well for antisocial personality

40:19disorder. In the case of antisocial

40:20personality disorder, can y'all guess?

40:22Can y'all guess what the self-other

40:24dichotomy looks like in ASPD? Very good.

40:27Excellent. Excellent. Excellent. Man,

40:28you guys got there so fast. Self,

40:31other's empty. Narcissism is sort of

40:33over here, right? So, it works for NPD,

40:35too. But, great. There's no separation.

40:38So, still, the goal in in

40:39mentalization-based treatment for

40:40antisocial personality disorder I've

40:42never done mentalization-based protocols

40:45in antisocial personality disorder.

40:46That's a disclaimer. But, based on my

40:48understanding of it, right? Is first

40:50thing that we want to do is add someone

40:52over here, and then we want to separate

40:54them out. But, adding them is the big

40:55part. We want to separate out external

40:57from internal. So, are you hyperfocused

40:59on physical things? Then, focus on

41:01feelings. Focused on thoughts. Focused

41:04on motivations. If you are hyperfocused

41:06over here, then focus on actions. You

41:09guys see like why I love this stuff?

41:11Because this describes so many problems

41:13in our community. Some people are way

41:15too stuck in their own head, and they

41:17just don't physically represent. Like,

41:19this is what this looks like. I want to

41:21solve all the problems in here, and then

41:25I will act. They're so It's not even

41:27that that won't work, right? This This

41:30is what I mean about mentalization.

41:31We're just so like slippery about it.

41:33It's not even that won't work. It's that

41:35you're literally viewing things in an

41:37unhealthy way. So, if if you shift from

41:40internal, what I'm thinking this way,

41:41I'm thinking this way, I'm trying to

41:43figure out nihilism and the meaning of

41:45life and depression and logic, and I'm

41:47watching YouTube videos, and watching

41:48YouTube videos. You're watching YouTube

41:49videos. And instinctively, you know,

41:51like, I'm not doing anything. Unhealthy

41:53mentalizing. Separate out the external

41:55from the internal. Hyperfocus on the

41:57external in the case of all this like

41:59dating stuff. Hyperfocus on the internal

42:01in the case of nihilistic puer aeterni

42:04that are like paralyzed and never do

42:05anything. And the tricky thing there is

42:07that they want to find that silver

42:09bullet, right? And I'm not saying that

42:11even the silver bullet doesn't exist or

42:13how to find it. The problem is that they

42:14are looking for the one thing that will

42:17puncture this and fix it. The fact that

42:20you are looking for this in the first

42:22place is the problem. Find solutions

42:24that are insufficient. Don't find

42:26perfect solutions. But then I don't feel

42:28good about that. And then you're like,

42:30how do I get rid of those feelings? You

42:33see what I mean? It's like, how do I

42:35know I'm making the right choice? How do

42:36I do this without feeling anxious? Where

42:38are they looking? Their eyes are always

42:40over here. And no matter how many times

42:43we say, "Okay, don't do this." And then

42:45they're always just looking in the same

42:46place. That's the problem. And in the

42:48case of people who are focused on bags

42:50and looks maxing or whatever, we're not

42:52saying don't improve your appearance.

42:54We're not saying that this is wrong. It

42:56is woefully and damagingly incomplete,

42:58okay? Basic goal of mentalization is

43:00separation of self and other, separation

43:03of internal and external, and adding

43:06more things to any equation.

43:08Understanding that the avoiding the use

43:10of generalizations. So, if you

43:11generalize, try to add as many specific

43:14things. Because a general truth doesn't

43:17really is not usually actionable.

43:19Whereas if there are specific factors,

43:21those are actionable, okay? And those

43:23are the kinds of things that like

43:24coaches try to do. Mentalization

43:26dimensions, automatic versus controlled.

43:28So, key thing is Remember, it's

43:30preconscious, so pops up in your head.

43:31So, it's a rapid and reflexive process.

43:33Like it happens every day. Actually,

43:35this is a little bit different, but

43:36still illustrates the point. If you guys

43:39want to learn how to mentalize, slow it

43:41down, add words to it, reflect, add

43:43attention, and try. So, just pay

43:46attention to these two things. And move

43:48in whichever direction you need to,

43:49okay? So, if you are hyper mentalizing

43:51of your own state, limited interest or

43:53capacity to perceive other states, then

43:56we need to focus on other people. If

43:58you're hyper focused on other people,

44:00then you may have you may struggle with

44:01emotional contagion, okay? Here's the

44:04really fascinating thing. Sometimes

44:06there's a really cool thing that they

44:07observed here. This is an aside. So,

44:09some of these people are actually

44:11accurate in mind reading of others.

44:14Here's what's really interesting. They

44:15have no understanding of others, but

44:18they're good at prediction. So,

44:19sociopaths are good at this. People with

44:21BPD are good at this. So, when you're

44:22hyper-focused on other people, your

44:24ability to read them is actually pretty

44:26good. You can predict their actions, but

44:28you have no idea what's going on under

44:30the hood, which there's a whole

44:31fascinating section on. And then the

44:33other thing that we want to do to kind

44:34of illustrate this is ability to make

44:36mental state judgments on the basis of

44:38internal states, right? So, I am doing

44:40I'm taking this action because of a

44:43richness of internal stuff. And we can

44:46apply this to other people as well. This

44:47is what's kind of weird. It is other

44:49people's internal stuff, right? They're

44:51behaving this way because of something

44:54going on internally inside of them. The

44:56reason my BPD mom is sending me

44:58inflammatory text messages is because

45:01when they try to send you kind messages,

45:03they don't get a response. And so, when

45:05they're kind to you, you pull away. And

45:07when they're inflammatory towards you,

45:09they piss you off, and at least you're

45:11closer. An understanding of their

45:14internal environment, that they're

45:16looking for approval, that they're

45:17looking for love, will help you in

45:19dealing with them, okay? When someone

45:22starts inting down mid in one of your

45:24games, right? So, there's a really

45:26interesting observation, which is that

45:28the higher rank you go in a competitive

45:31video game, the more toxicity you

45:33encounter. People will say like you

45:35know, once you get to Challenger or like

45:37Immortal or whatever, right? Like that's

45:39where you find the most toxic people.

45:41Why is that? Let's practice a little bit

45:43of mentalizing. How much effort does it

45:46take to get there? And what is your

45:48reward for being there?

45:51You know, if you're a Twitch streamer

45:52making some money, maybe that's a decent

45:54reward, but for most of these people,

45:56right? We're talking like top 5,000

45:59players. Like it's really hard to be in

46:01the top 5,000, but if you're like number

46:034,882

46:04and you're playing said game for 10

46:06hours a day and you don't have [ __ ] to

46:08show for it, what do you think your life

46:10is like? You're making all the same

46:11sacrifices as a pro, but you've got

46:13nothing. And then no wonder you're more

46:15prone to get pissed off when things

46:17don't go your way. And so, people who

46:19are external have higher sensitivity to

46:21nonverbal communication, tend to make

46:23judgments on the basis of external

46:25features and perceptions, and can lead

46:26to rapid assumptions unless checked by

46:28internal scrutiny. Right? So, key thing

46:31here is balance whatever you're doing.

46:33That's the solution. Now, I'm noticing

46:35that there's probably a need for a more

46:37structured DIY mentalization thing, so

46:40I'm thinking about that now, but that's

46:42where we are so far. So, TLDR, I know

46:45it's not like advice doesn't work. Fine,

46:48so there isn't something really concrete

46:50to do because if I say, "Hey, do this,

46:52it'll work." What I'm saying is change

46:54the way the fundamental way that you

46:56interpret the world around you. And

46:59literally, when we take people with

47:01narcissistic personality disorder,

47:03antisocial personality disorder, and

47:04borderline personality disorder, and we

47:06teach them this skill, these illnesses

47:09get better. But if you're doing this

47:10stuff in some other dimension of your

47:12life, dating, politics, whatever, the

47:14more you do this, the better off you

47:16will be, okay? Your mileage may vary,

47:18but I think that there's a strong

47:20argument to be made for the learning of

47:22mentalization skills makes things

47:24better. And this is sort of what yoga

47:26does, too, right? Yoga focuses on

47:28observation and awareness of the

47:30internal environment. That's really all

47:32they care about.