Full transcript
0:00Okay, okay, from the top.
0:05I take you not
0:07That's not right. I hate that take.
0:10Sounds like a receipt. Hold on.
0:15I choose you. There.
0:18I choose you.
0:20In the dark and in the light. Mostly in
0:24the dark, obviously.
0:27I promise to keep the candle lit.
0:30I promise to be exactly as difficult as
0:33I've always been.
0:35Because if I got easy, then you wouldn't
0:37recognize me.
0:39And
0:40I'd rather be hated correctly than loved
0:42by mistake.
0:46I promise that when I bind my hand to
0:49yours,
0:50I'm going to mean it.
0:51Every knot.
0:53And when they ask me if I'm sure,
0:56I'm not going to laugh first.
0:59I always laugh first.
1:01I laugh first so that if it goes wrong,
1:04I can say I wasn't ever serious.
1:07I've done it my whole life. Very good at
1:09it.
1:10And I'm not going to do it to you.
1:13Not that time.
1:15That time I'm just going to say yes.
1:19I promise to argue with you until one of
1:21us is dead.
1:23Not because I want to win.
1:25Everybody lets me win.
1:27Every class, every seminar, every single
1:29time I open my mouth in a room, people
1:31get about 90 seconds in and then they go
1:34quiet and they let me have it. And they
1:36think that's kindness.
1:39It isn't kindness. It's a door closing.
1:43It means this isn't worth my afternoon.
1:46It means they've decided I'm worthier.
1:50They've never done that.
1:52Not once.
1:53Not in 3 years.
1:56You take me on in front of the entire
1:57room and you go the whole distance
2:00and make me earn every inch of it.
2:03You don't hand me anything.
2:05And then when I finally get you, you say
2:07it
2:09out loud
2:10in front of everybody.
2:13That's fair.
2:15You're the only person who's ever told
2:17me I won.
2:19Everybody else just leaves.
2:21You're the only one who's ever stayed
2:23long enough to lose.
2:28So,
2:30fight with me
2:32forever.
2:37That's the vow. That's the whole vow.
2:38That's
2:41>> [sighs]
2:43>> I promise to wait 3 seconds every time.
2:47The way you do it in class when a
2:48professor asks a question cuz you know
2:50it.
2:52You always know it.
2:55You know it immediately. I can see it
2:56happen on your face and you wait anyway.
3:00You sit there and you count it out to
3:02see if anybody else wants it first.
3:05Like you're holding a door open
3:09for a room full of people who can never
3:10want to do it.
3:20How long have you been standing there?
3:23No. No.
3:25Don't
3:27How long?
3:30Long enough. Long enough is not an
3:32amount of time. That's not
3:34That's not a unit. You can't just
3:39Get out.
3:41I said get out. This room is booked. I
3:44booked it until 5:00. It is reserved.
3:47There's a sign. There's a sign right
3:48there on the glass.
3:50Is reading not something you That's not
3:52a thing that you do?
3:55What What are you
3:57Stop pointing. What are you pointing at?
4:01The number?
4:04That's a four.
4:07No No, that's I I
4:09I booked seven. I booked seven. I have
4:12the confirmation right here. It's
4:16Seven's
4:18Seven's on the third floor.
4:22Okay, well, the room number was buried
4:24in the email. It's on the librarian, not
4:27me.
4:30I'm sorry, what did you just say?
4:33That was about me. Is that Is that what
4:35you got?
4:37Oh my god.
4:39Do you You walk in on somebody's graded
4:42coursework, and your first thought is,
4:44"At last, someone's discussing me."?
4:47I want you to hear how that sounds.
4:49I want you to sit there with the
4:50sentence you just said out loud.
4:53It's an assignment. Public speaking 200
4:55Halloran's ceremonial address, toasts,
4:57eulogies, vows.
4:59Picked vows cuz the other options were
5:01worse.
5:02It's fiction.
5:04Do you think everybody who writes a
5:05murder mystery has killed someone?
5:09I invented a guy. Halloran said
5:11specificity separates a speech from a
5:13greeting card, so I got specific.
5:15That's called craft. It's called an A.
5:19Why are you still
5:21Fine.
5:23You want to do this?
5:25There's only one thing in here that was
5:26about you. One.
5:28Go.
5:32The pause? That's your evidence? The
5:34pause? People pause. That's not
5:36personality. That's conversation. That's
5:38how talking works. If a human being on
5:41this earth takes a second before they
5:45No, I didn't say second. I said three.
5:48I'm aware of what I said.
5:52Even when you already know what are you
5:55How would I have any idea where the
6:01It's a composite character. Writers do
6:03that.
6:04I took the pulse from you because
6:07it was narratively useful.
6:10The audience needed one detail that
6:11seemed insufferably deliberate and you
6:13were the nearest example.
6:15Congratulations, your research.
6:19Who else? I don't know. One of them's
6:21from a movie.
6:23Which movie? It doesn't matter. Stop
6:24looking at me. This is a very hostile
6:27interrogation over homework.
6:32Uh
6:32Argue with you until one of us is dead
6:34is a joke. You put it on lifeline before
6:36the sincere part. Couples argue. This is
6:39That's not about you. That's about
6:40marriage.
6:43Don't
6:46Don't you
6:48Don't
6:49Did you say that's fair to me right now
6:52in this room?
6:55So you you memorized it.
6:58So you memorized it?
7:00You stood in a doorway and eavesdropped
7:02on a private rehearsal and you memorized
7:04it and now you're reciting it back at me
7:06like some kind of
7:07That's insane. Do you know that's
7:08insane?
7:10Normal people announce themselves.
7:12Normal people knock.
7:15Don't
7:16Don't
7:17Don't you dare say it's my room. I can
7:19see it. I can see it sitting on your
7:20face. Don't
7:24The handfasting? That's a real
7:25tradition. It doesn't prove anything.
7:29Whose hand? The fictional guy's is
7:32obviously.
7:35Oh, the dress?
7:38I
7:39I wear black every day. Of course the
7:40dress is black. That's not evidence,
7:43that's basic pattern recognition.
7:46You want to catch me?
7:48Catch me on something I wouldn't have
7:49written anyway.
7:52>> [laughter]
7:54>> That's what I thought.
7:55So, we're done.
7:56You can have your room, I'll take my
7:57fiction up to the third floor, and you
7:59can go back to
8:02What do you mean, what else?
8:05What else have I
8:07observed? That Is that Is that what
8:09you're asking me right now?
8:13Oh, you want the file?
8:15Fine.
8:16Fine.
8:18Here's the file.
8:20You click a pen when you're thinking,
8:22and you stop the second you've got it,
8:24so I always know you've got it before
8:25you say it.
8:27You push your sleeves up before you
8:28argue every time, it's a tell.
8:30You telegraph. You'd be dreadful at
8:32poker.
8:34You carry coffee you never drink. You
8:37just want something to hold. You take
8:38notes by hand when you can, and on a
8:40laptop when you don't, which means I
8:42know exactly which lectures matter to
8:44you, and there were four.
8:47And you say my name,
8:49you my whole name.
8:51Everybody shortened it freshman year,
8:53everybody.
8:55I have been three letters to every
8:56person I've met since I was 18, and you
8:58have never once done it. Not one time.
9:01You say the entire thing every time like
9:03it isn't an inconvenience.
9:07And you stayed after Pittigrew.
9:10Last month.
9:11When he did the whole hour on the little
9:13drawings, the ones the scribes put on
9:16the corner of the manuscripts, the ones
9:18nobody was ever supposed to see.
9:21And he had been looking forward to it.
9:22He brought the slides in his own drive.
9:25He made the joke at the end, and nobody
9:27laughed. 18 people and not one sound.
9:31And he said, "Anyway," and started
9:32packing up, and I watched his whole face
9:34just fold, and everybody left,
9:36everybody.
9:38And you stayed.
9:39You asked him about it and you weren't
9:41performing. You didn't tell anyone else.
9:43You didn't post about it. There was
9:44nothing in that room to see except
9:50Do you have any idea how hard it is
9:54to write 200 words about a person you're
9:55supposed to be indifferent to?
9:58Do you?
10:00I sat down to write about a fictional
10:02man. I got four words in
10:05and it was you.
10:06Immediately.
10:11I could be sitting there the whole time
10:12waiting for someone to open the door.
10:15And I tried.
10:17>> [snorts]
10:18>> I made him taller. I made him quieter. I
10:20gave him a different major. And every
10:21single time I made him less like you, he
10:23got worse. He went flat. He stopped
10:26being a person.
10:27And I'd have to put another piece of you
10:29back just to make him stand up. Do you
10:31know what that's like? To build somebody
10:33who isn't you and find out your
10:34structural?
10:38So I stopped fighting it. Around 2:00 in
10:39the morning I just stopped.
10:42And I wrote about you and it took 11
10:44minutes.
10:47And it's the best thing I've ever
10:48written and I hate it.
10:50Because now it exists. Now it's
10:52evidence.
10:55I was going to read it Thursday
10:57to 22 strangers who have never met you.
11:01That was the plan. I was so safe.
11:04I was going to say the truest thing I've
11:06ever said aloud in public, full volume,
11:08and have it count as nothing cuz it's an
11:10assignment.
11:12Cuz it's fiction.
11:14I was going to get graded on being in
11:16love with you.
11:18File it under coursework.
11:20Never think about it again.
11:23And you walked into your own room.
11:29Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
11:32It's about you.
11:34All of it.
11:35There's no composite. There's no movie.
11:37There's no foreign film.
11:39The hand is yours.
11:43I know how long you wait, and I know you
11:45say my whole name, and I know you stayed
11:47for Pettigrew, and I've known it
11:50all for 3 years, and I've never told a
11:52single living person.
11:55So,
11:56now you know.
11:59And I'd rather you
12:01caught me doing almost anything else.
12:08Why are you still standing there?
12:11What Why you haven't You should have
12:13left. Anybody would have left. I've been
12:14screaming at you for 15 minutes.
12:17I called you a code red.
12:21Oh.
12:24You're doing it.
12:27You're
12:28You're doing a thing.
12:29Aren't you?
12:32You're staying.
12:37What?
12:40No. Don't
12:41Don't Don't
12:44Don't say you love choose me unless you
12:46mean it.
12:48Say it again.
12:52Ah, that's so much worse. Do you
12:54understand that's worse? Cuz now I have
12:56to live with it.
12:58Now it's a thing that's happening.
13:02Sit down. No.
13:04There. Don't say anything. Don't look at
13:06me. Look at the candle.
13:14I'm still reading at Thursday.
13:17I'm not going to lose the grade over
13:18this, but I'm not doing it cold in front
13:20of 20 strangers first, so
13:23you can be my audience.
13:26And you're going to sit there and take
13:27it, and if you make one single sound, I
13:29will put you in the ground.
13:32And you're
13:33going to wait 3 seconds before you say
13:34anything after.
13:36I'll know if you don't.
13:40From the top.
13:45I choose you.
13:49In the dark and in the light.
13:52Mostly the dark.
13:56>> Hello everyone. This is Spring ASMR. I
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