Everything That's Wrong With You (Explained In 2.5 Hours)

0:00- Why not be excited all the time?

0:01- It's like I'm the quiet person.

0:03- What if this isn't you? And if so, I'm sorry.

0:05Every single one of you as a child,

0:07you were born in a prison.

0:09That is how you actually boost your confidence.

0:12You want to be free? It's. What about you?

0:16Were you born this way? A frowny baby? You? Yes.

0:21I think so. Ooh, I'm sorry. What excites you in life?

0:25- Animals. - Are you excited now?

0:32No. You weren't looking forward to this event?

0:35I was looking forward to You're like, "Fuck,

0:36I wish a goat was speaking on stage."

0:39Then that would excite me.

0:41A smile. Yes. You don't like being excited?

0:46- Yes. - So why not be excited all the time?

0:49- It doesn't feel

0:50- Right.

0:51Says who? I like being excited all the time.

0:54You like that rule for yourself?

0:57Who says it doesn't feel right?

0:58Who are you trying to obey by not being excited?

1:02- It feels like I'm the quiet person.

1:05- Do you like it? - I think so.

1:11- I'm sorry. If you truly like it, then respect.

1:16But if you truly liked it,

1:17you probably wouldn't be at this event.

1:20For all of you, if you truly liked the way you show up in

1:23life, again, there are exceptions to everything.

1:26I'm sure some of you, yes, you love who you are

1:28and you're here because you're curious or you resonate

1:30and you're like, "Yes, that's like me, more

1:33of that." But that's the exception.

1:36And if that were you, then you'd be speaking up

1:38from the start like her.

1:40But if you're like Quiet when put on the spot,

1:45then something's off.

1:47And here's the thing, what if

1:48who you think you are is not you?

1:52What if this isn't you? And if so, I'm sorry.

1:55And if so, I question if there was a God

1:57because who would make you like this?

2:01Who would say no? No excitement, only a little bit.

2:05Why wouldn't you want to feel excited all the time?

2:08Why wouldn't you want to feel confident all the time?

2:13I personally want to feel confident all the time.

2:14You want to know why I don't care about approval,

2:16validation, looks, money, et cetera,

2:19because I want to feel confident all the time.

2:23People who are hooked on money or looks, they don't.

2:27They only want to feel confident when

2:29they have the money or looks.

2:31They only want to feel confident when they meet

2:33certain requirements.

2:35Well, what requirements do you have for yourself?

2:38I only feel confident when it's allowed in the environment.

2:42I only feel confident when people give me

2:44permission to be confident.

2:47Why not all the time? You don't?

2:48Why don't you want to feel excited all the time? You don't?

2:52There's this awesome thing that doesn't even hurt you.

2:56Excitement. And you're like, "Just a little. It feels wrong.

3:00I deserve to be punished from excitement."

3:02Well then shadow question, why?

3:05Why are you unworthy of feeling excited

3:07and alive all the time?

3:10Now, before things start getting intense here,

3:13if you're looking to go through a similar process yourself

3:16and receive direct feedback from me personally, no matter

3:19where you find yourself in the world, then click the link

3:22below this video right now and apply for online coaching.

3:25This is my signature program,

3:27so click the link and I'll see you in there.

3:30- Because when I was excited, others didn't understand me.

3:34- I - Was more excited than others, so what are you doing?

3:38- Well then the follow-up, was it worth bullying excitement

3:44to fit in and please them?

3:46Because you know who excitement is? This little baby.

3:53Do you have children? Imagine you did,

3:58or imagine you were the coach, you're up on stage

4:00and I'm your client and I show up

4:02with my child called excitement.

4:05What advice would you give me if I

4:07told you what you just told me?

4:09"Hey, you know what? When we were young

4:12and excitement was born, we got along, I was so happy

4:16and excited, but one day I took excitement out to the park,

4:20to the playground with the other kids and parents

4:23and they didn't like it.

4:25So what I did is I smashed him

4:29and I stomped his head

4:31and I'm still stomping it to this day.

4:33Look at it. Do you see his eye popping out?

4:38What do you think? Do you like seeing this?

4:40Because that's what I see when I look at you.

4:45And I mean it. I see your eye popping out inside.

4:48I see excitement squealing. Help.

4:53I'm still stopping it. I feel it under my shoe.

5:01- Well, it's not that bad for me because

5:03- It's - So just keep doing it?

5:04That's not that bad. Are you not like in horror?

5:09Are all of you not shocked? I hope you're shocked.

5:10Are you not shocked by this? Well, it's Austria.

5:13We've done worse.

5:16- We don't have that much feelings in any direction.

5:20- What if this was a goat? Would you feel

5:23worse than if it was a human?

5:25Yes. Okay. Anyone have a goat or a toy animal?

5:31Now I have a lesson for my future seminars. Some. Yes?

5:35- We have - An animal.

5:40- You are saving the event.

5:42I appreciate both of you so much.

5:44And don't worry, I will not stomp it.

5:45But what if I'm going to punch?

5:53- I have excitement.

5:55- Can I punch it? No. Why? - I didn't deserve

5:59- It.

6:00But the baby did?

6:06Well, this is what you're doing.

6:07There's an animal inside, an innocent little

6:10- Mama.

6:11- And you're just like.

6:17- Please don't. - I'm going

6:18to keep doing it as long as you do.

6:21It's crying. Oh, that hurt.

6:26Do you see the sad look?

6:30How do you feel seeing this?

6:33- That's not good. - But hey, here's the problem

6:36that I have, and I hope you can help me.

6:39When I was nice to this little animal, I got rejected.

6:44But when I beat it, the rejection stopped.

6:50Are you saying I should be nice,

6:51but then they're going to reject me?

6:52They won't like me as much.

6:57They're all animal beaters.

6:58If I want to fit in with the animal beaters,

7:00I got to beat the animal, right?

7:02If you want to fit in with the excitement beaters,

7:04you got to beat excitement, right?

7:10- You should rather be excited.

7:15- That's hypocritical. Can you show us excitement then?

7:17Because I'll follow your lead.

7:22I don't know how. I'm about to.

7:28- How do people show -

7:29- Value your inner animal over strangers.

7:36Same here. Imagine this whole crowd paid

7:39to see me beat this animal

7:43and they're all going to reject me and hate me and refund

7:46and post horrible comments online about

7:48how I didn't beat the animal.

7:51I have a choice. The easy route, which is what you did,

7:55is you ganged up against excitement.

7:59That's the route. And by the way,

8:00it doesn't matter if it's excitement, it could be anything.

8:03Who did you gang up against within yourself

8:07to fit in out there because it was easier?

8:10No different than showing up to school

8:12where imagine you have a friend

8:14and for some reason the school thinks your

8:16friend is not okay.

8:17"Ha, you're friends with a nerd.

8:19Is that your friend?" Well, then you have a choice.

8:22"Yeah, that's my friend. "And then you get bullied too.

8:25Or," Oh, I don't know that person. Get him.

8:29I don't know excitement. Get him.

8:35"And you've been doing it and doing it

8:37and you're still doing it.

8:38Why? Is it worth it? For who? Who says.

8:43And then it's even think too of what you want for yourself.

8:46Who says excitement is bad? A younger version of you.

8:53So challenge that belief.

8:56Show us you the most excited ever.

8:59Are you not excited that I. Here's the thing.

9:04If you show excitement, I'm not going

9:06to beat this poor animal.

9:07Are you not excited that I'm not going

9:09to beat this poor animal or else I am?

9:14Three. Two. Do you care more about your ego?

9:18Even there, they care more about like,

9:19please save it, save it.

9:21Three, two, one.

9:30Oh, look at its eye.

9:38- What can I do to show excitement? I don't know.

9:40I physically don't know. Dream.

9:43- Try anything. There's a life at stake.

9:48It's like an action movie.

9:49Someone's hanging from a cliff, "Help." And you're like,

9:52"Well, what's the coolest way to run?" You're like,

9:56wait, would you try anything?

9:58Like what about like anything. Do it wrong. Do it cringey.

10:01Do it weird. Anything is better than.

10:06Unless you tell me the exact perfect way.

10:14- Woo-hoo. - More? More.

10:22- I did it.

10:28- I don't believe you care about animals at all. Do you?

10:33But not this one? Why is this one inferior?

10:37- It isn't. - You're acting like it is.

10:44What did it do to you? Do you care more

10:45about your ego than this?

10:47- I would rather just go there and save

10:49- It.

10:50Well, you save it by dropping this front.

10:52You save it by saving the animal within.

10:56And it's weird I'm saying animal.

10:57I mean inner child within,

10:58but you care more about animals than children.

11:01So the inner animal inside of you, that's the thing.

11:05This is a metaphor to what's going on inside.

11:08Right now you're stuffing things down

11:09and this here is not you.

11:13You're used to being this, so you probably think it is,

11:16but if you act fake long enough, what happens?

11:18You confuse fake with authenticity.

11:24What would child you do? Do you think

11:26as a kid you'd easily be able

11:27to just be like. Like show excitement?

11:30- I don't remember, but I did nothing.

11:32- What happened then? Must have

11:37been something really fucked up.

11:40- No, not really.

11:42- Well then how did you turn into this? I'm curious.

11:45You disown so much empathy and emotion

11:48and you saved it all for animals

11:49because you despise humans so much.

11:51What happened? What did humans do to you?

11:56- I don't remember. There was nothing like a

11:58point where something happened and then.

12:01- So even as a kid, you'd see another kid hurt

12:03and you're like, "It's not an animal."

12:07- That never happened.

12:09I never saw something bad happen.

12:12I was just like, "Okay, I'm a good child.

12:16I'm not loud.

12:18My parents didn't want me to be loud, so I wasn't loud."

12:22- What would they do if you were loud?

12:23- Nothing. Just they told

12:28me, "Don't be loud.

12:29I don't like it."

12:33- You never challenged them?

12:34You were an obedient prisoner? Well, challenge them now.

12:39Be so loud that you can send them this

12:40video and they'll be shocked.

12:42We didn't know our daughter can make those sounds.

12:47Scream as loud as you can or else.

12:59- Scream. No, it doesn't sound like you mean it.

13:08- More, more. That is such a calculated scream.

13:12I want passion. I'm destroying this animal.

13:19I know it's yours in the back.

13:21They care more about it than you

13:23and I'm going to stomp it in three, and I don't want to

13:25because then I have to apologize

13:26and probably buy them a new one.

13:28It's on you. Please.

13:35Better. Almost done. What no?

13:39- I can't do louder. - Why are you talking yourself down?

13:42You are the worst like supporter of you. They can't win.

13:48Why don't you believe in you? That was a lot better.

13:51That was awesome. That was better than many screams up

13:53here, but I think you can do more.

13:55You can't? You're like,

13:57"That's the maximum I can do." You don't believe in you?

14:02Fuck. Do you see, by the way,

14:04the toxic programming? Please say yes.

14:06- Yes. Yes. - Good.

14:09What's your plan to break free from this?

14:11And I'm going to save this animal

14:13because I don't trust your ego.

14:18Thank you. I did not stomp on it. It saved the day.

14:22Usually most people care more about a baby.

14:25- Fuck you.

14:30- I know, I know. So nothing excites you in life?

14:39- Animals? - Do you like AI?

14:46- It's okay. I was going

14:48- To say, you seem like the perfect evolution of man

14:51that will fit into AI.

14:53Just half robotic, not too excited, take your emotions out

14:57of it, cyborgy.

15:00Do you like cyborgs?

15:05Do you not find that funny? Do you ever look at yourself

15:08and laugh at yourself like, "What the fuck?

15:10How did I become this?" No. Why?

15:14Do you not think it's weird? No. Uh-oh. It is.

15:19Do you really think this is it? The peak for you?

15:22And by the way, I'm not saying this in a mean way.

15:24I'm just like, "How would you act if you saw me right now

15:26licking the floor?" And I'm like, "It's normal,

15:29right?" Ditto.

15:37Would you stop me from licking the floor?

15:40And let's just say she took a shit on the floor

15:42and I was about to eat it like.

15:44Maybe

15:45- Then I would stop it.

15:47- Okay. Would you say, "Is it pathetic to eat the shit?"

15:52And then I ate the throw up.

15:55- Please stop. It's not good.

15:57- Please stop. This is not good either.

16:01But I'm saying it graphically because this is how,

16:04and it's not just you, it's most people here.

16:07This is not you.

16:09Wake

16:16up.

16:19Saved by the bell. You.

16:25I see you.

16:29Now, last question.

16:32Step one to break out of this is you have

16:34to be willing to break out of it.

16:36And this applies to all of you. This doesn't mean that.

16:38Are you not good enough? Of course you're good enough.

16:42Are you not awesome? Of course you're awesome.

16:44But you have been conditioned to not show up as you are.

16:49You've been conditioned to disown parts of who you are.

16:52Everyone here has been conditioned

16:54to disown parts of who they are.

16:56I have been conditioned to disown parts of who I am.

17:00Welcome to being human. Welcome to social conditioning.

17:03Welcome to you being a young kid with a limited perspective

17:06and welcome to trauma.

17:09No one is above it. Everyone does it.

17:12But you want to know the first step to break free from it?

17:15Realize that who you think you are is not you.

17:19If you confuse the front with you, you'll keep being this.

17:24So why am I using extreme examples?

17:26Because the average person would have realized it sooner,

17:29but for you it takes animal torture

17:31to hopefully make you question like,

17:32"Maybe I'm more than this." You're so much more than this.

17:37And this doesn't mean that this version is bad.

17:39It means you are this and keep this, but you're more.

17:43You're this plus excitement. You're this plus this scream.

17:46You are this plus believing in yourself.

17:49And if you aren't happy with the external results in your

17:52life, sure, it could be

17:54that you are surrounded by toxic people.

17:56Sure, it could be that every single person you disagree with

17:58and every single person who betrayed you as a narcissist,

18:01that's today's world.

18:02Everyone is a narcissist.

18:04Or it could simply be that you are showing up a certain way

18:10and people are not responding to you,

18:12they're responding to the front.

18:15No different than me rewind to the beginning

18:18of this speech if I showed up here on stage.

18:20Hey everyone. So I want to share

18:23with you something very important, okay?

18:27Are you all. Oh, I'm sorry. Are you all ready?

18:42So when everyone's born.

18:47Oh, sorry.

18:50You're born a whole,

18:52but we all create what I call an inner split.

18:56And I wasn't trying to be funny,

19:00but thank you for the laughter.

19:04And there's the acceptable you and the unacceptable you,

19:07and these are the parts that you disown within.

19:11Let me check my notes.

19:16Like with you, excitement is probably an aspect of you

19:20that you put in the unacceptable you.

19:23Here's excitement. I can't be that.

19:26And we put many things in there

19:28and that's why we don't feel whole. Do you like the event?

19:32- We're still excited even like

19:34that. You're doing great.

19:38- No. No,

19:41but how would you respond?

19:43You'd be like, "What?" You wouldn't be responding to me,

19:47you'd be responding to this front.

19:48But that's the thing. What if you are showing up like that?

19:51And I do it in an exaggerated way.

19:52What if you're showing like that in your life?

19:56- But does it have to be loud, excitement?

19:58- No, but you should be able to. So that's the thing.

20:03It's like when I do this scream as loud as you can example,

20:06that doesn't mean scream all the time.

20:07If you were to call me, do you think

20:09I'm going to answer screaming?

20:10"This is Julian. Hello." No.

20:14But if I wanted to, I could.

20:16And that's the test you should all run on yourselves.

20:19Are you able to embody all of you?

20:22If you think of yourself, your body is an instrument.

20:24Can you play all the notes or only certain notes, right?

20:28Say here is the piano that is

20:33you, right?

20:36So most people, what do they do?

20:39They play within the most safe, flat, people pleasing,

20:44boring, this.

20:47Anything in this range is safe.

20:50Anything below that or above that, too risky.

20:54I've seen this myself at kids' birthday parties.

20:57Do you want to know how everyone sings happy birthday?

21:00Or how do you say it in German? Something?

21:04What is it?. Sing it

21:07- In - English.

21:08Oh, you say. So happy birthday to you.

21:13No, but how does everyone sing it? It's talk singing.

21:16You'll see all these parents, like you did,

21:19"Happy birthday to you.

21:21Happy birthday." It's like talk. Why? Because it's safe.

21:25The same with how much emotion you can show.

21:27Just a little bit. So you're stuck here with the screen.

21:31What am I asking? Can you play this note?

21:34That doesn't mean play that note all the time, but can you?

21:37And you'll see the blockage activate.

21:41So it's not about being loud all the time,

21:42but it's having the choice.

21:44The biggest difference between people who are, say, quiet

21:47and not charismatic and quiet

21:49and charismatic is that

21:54the people who are quiet

21:58and charismatic, they're quiet by choice.

22:03The people who are quiet and not charismatic, it's out of

22:08- Obligation.

22:09It's because they can't be loud.

22:11It's the only way they can be

22:15- Quiet and charismatic.

22:16It's a choice, meaning if you want to be quiet, you can.

22:20If you want to be loud, you also can.

22:25See, playing different notes.

22:27Well, how many notes can you play?

22:28You have disowned the notes of excitement. Excitement, no.

22:34Well, then something's fucked inside

22:36and you know what that's going to communicate to people?

22:39Issues, issues, issues. It's unhealthy.

22:44And everyone is pinging for that.

22:47Everyone can ping like, wait, you can't be loud?

22:50That doesn't mean be loud all the time, but you can't?

22:52Then there's some blockage inside. Issues, issues, issues.

22:57Wait, you can only act a certain way,

23:00playing a certain role, even though.

23:03And here's where it gets subtle, you'll like this.

23:09Even though it's subtle, you could play. Here's the catch.

23:13Let's just say this note here is external confidence.

23:17You could play that role

23:19and you could get stuck in that role.

23:21I'm going to be confident. Hey, everyone.

23:26Welcome to the event. How's it going? Same.

23:31Whoa, don't fall out of your chair. It's a Trump handshake.

23:33Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. You like this event?

23:36- Yes. - What about you? Hey, how's it going?

23:38Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't fall.

23:40Whoa, don't, don't react. You like this?

23:42This is how I walk and how I talk.

23:48- Oh.

23:54- No, for real, for real. Trust me, trust me. Trust me.

24:03We're like a Mexican standoff.

24:08Yeah. I give her a hand.

24:13And to be clear too, I use you as an example,

24:17but just to let your ego know, it's not just you.

24:20You are the people and the animals.

24:26Well, not the animals. They're free. Be more like an animal.

24:29You love animals, you're being too human.

24:32You're disowning too much.You're playing a role too much.

24:34But here's the thing. Say I'm playing just

24:35that confident role, you'll also sense something is off.

24:38Meaning, wait, this guy can't chill. What if I'm.

24:43I always have to be confident.

24:44Say where it says like, "Do you want to sit, have dinner?"

24:48Well, your back better be against the door

24:50because I'm the confident one.

24:53You'd be like, "What?" Like everything all the time.

24:57I'm obsessed about it. It'd be super weird. No?

25:02Well, people ping that in you.

25:04And it goes back to what we were talking about before.

25:06What role are you playing? What are you trapped in?

25:09And can you break it? Now, you could take a external layer

25:13to this, and this would be the first baby steps I would try

25:17just on the physical, meaning everyone is trapped externally

25:21in a certain appearance, right?

25:26Like, "Here's how I dress,

25:28and this is the ceiling of how I can dress

25:30and the floor of how I can dress." Well,

25:33why not tomorrow dress completely out

25:36of left field, right?

25:39Who here dresses more casually?

25:41Like you go out, it's more like shirts,

25:43sweatpants, just kind of.

25:45Raise your hand. Okay. That's like your comfort zone. Yeah.

25:50Well, what about tomorrow dressing up in a suit?

25:53Full on suit, even a tie or a little bow tie,

25:56and just walk down the street.

25:57You have nothing to do. Go to the grocery store like that.

26:00- "Hey, I'd like to buy some eggs

26:02- Full on.

26:03Notice what gets triggered. What about

26:05those of you who like dressing up?

26:07What about dressing like them? See what gets triggered.

26:10If you're like doing your hair a certain way, do it down.

26:13Just you like showering and makeup. No makeup.

26:16Can you still be you or do you feel yourself get triggered

26:21and diminish or get stifled?

26:24Well, then it shows you, and that doesn't mean you have

26:26to wear a tie all the time or dress down

26:28or no makeup all the time.

26:29No. Self-expression is to each their own, but is it a choice

26:34or out of obligation?

26:37That's the key. The same with being excited.

26:39You don't have to be excited all the time,

26:41but you should be able to and there

26:42should be things that excite you.

26:44And it doesn't just apply to excitement.

26:46It also applies to sadness.

26:47Like for any of you who haven't cried in a long time,

26:51red light, no different than that.

26:53Who are you beating? Sadness. Nope, cannot be sad.

27:00That's what runs us. Now, I'm going

27:03to tie this all together.

27:05This links back to social conditioning, meaning,

27:07like I said, when you're born,

27:09you're born whole, right?

27:14As a child, were you excited for your mother's milk?

27:17I can guarantee yes. You're like, "Well, I don't know."

27:21Maybe you're the only baby who's like, "No,

27:22goat milk

27:23only."

27:28It's like half animal just.

27:31No. Yes, you were. Were you anxious about crying

27:34or screaming for your mom's milk?

27:36- Maybe not.

27:38- Were you raised by a mother? Okay.

27:43Then 100%. You were like, "Wham, mish,

27:46mish!" You'd suck on it.

27:48You don't care if you're in public,

27:50you'd suck on it in front of everyone, like let it drool

27:53and drip, and you'd bite and nibble,

27:55and she'd be like, "Ah, ah, that's every baby." But at

28:01a certain age, what happened,

28:03you started becoming more self-aware,

28:05and suddenly you noticed, "Hey, we're out in public.

28:09Hey, people are staring.

28:11I wonder what they're thinking of me.

28:14Maybe they're not approving of this." And what happens?

28:19You start filtering who you are.

28:22Now, who's filtering who you are, a younger,

28:25immature version of you?

28:28You grow up, you're a kid,

28:31and perhaps you're in a household where for some reason,

28:33being excited is not okay.

28:38Perhaps your parents said, "Hey,

28:40what are you so excited about?

28:42Can you see what we're going through?

28:45Can you see the tough times?" And you're like, "Ah." Now,

28:48what happens as a kid, you have a very

28:50limited perspective on the world.

28:52You don't understand much.

28:53You can't see much beyond yourself,

28:56and you depend on whoever is raising you to survive.

29:01Now, just that is extremely traumatic,

29:04and it's important to really reflect on,

29:05meaning every single one of you as a child,

29:08you were born in a prison.

29:10Do you realize that? Yes. Yes.

29:13Your parents, whoever is raising you,

29:15they are the prison guards.

29:17What happens if you don't want to go to bed at night?

29:20Your parents say, "It's bedtime.

29:23Can you stay up as late as you want?"

29:25- You can punish.

29:26- Bingo. There are rules to the prison.

29:31And what happens if you don't listen?

29:32There's always the deep rooted fear, "Well,

29:34if I don't listen and they're angry with me,

29:37or they disapprove of me, that means they don't love me.

29:42And if they don't love me, they could kick me out.

29:44And if they kick me out, I'm a kid.

29:46I can't survive on my own, so I die."

29:49So suddenly something like, "Hey, don't be too excited,"

29:53isn't just a comment like, "Don't be too excited." It's,

29:56"Don't be too excited or else.

30:00And it's traumatic. Now, as a child,

30:02you have a choice, just like we talked about.

30:05You can say, "Fuck you, mom

30:07and dad, I'm going to be excited," and risk your life.

30:11And it's not just parents, it could be at school.

30:14As a child, do you think about life beyond the classroom?

30:19No. All you care about is the classroom.

30:22Where do I stand in the classroom?

30:24Am I approved of in the classroom?

30:26What if all the classroom laughs at you?

30:28Say you're excited and you speak up and everyone's like.

30:33It feels like you're being canceled by the world.

30:36And then you have a choice. I'm about

30:38to be kicked out of the classroom.

30:39There's a lot of social proof, a lot of authority.

30:42And by the way, as children, the three areas to look for is

30:46parents, teachers, classroom.

30:49Authority, authority, authority. Classroom. Classroom. Yeah.

30:56And again, you don't know any better, but that's your life.

31:00So you have a choice. And all of us will pick the path

31:04that leads us to survive, the safest path.

31:07So we will disown and get rid of all parts

31:10of ourselves in order to mold ourself to fit in and survive.

31:15Now, does that mean you're going

31:16to die if you get kicked out of the classroom?

31:18Of course not. I mean, maybe, depending where you grow up,

31:22but in most cases, no.

31:24But for a limited perspective as a kid, yes.

31:28For a limited perspective as a kid, that's not rejection.

31:30That's survival instinct kicking in.

31:33And when your survival instinct kicks in,

31:35that is when you create that split.

31:37And anything could be in the unacceptable part.

31:40Excitement could be there.

31:41You know what else could be there? Being smart.

31:44What happens if you're smart and everyone makes fun of you?

31:47Oh, smarty pants.

31:50You have no friends because you're too smart.

31:53People are jealous of you

31:54because you're too smart, your grades are too good.

31:57Well, what are you going to do? Uh-oh.

32:00Smart is threatening my survival.

32:03Something is wrong within me.

32:06Showing emotions, being loud,

32:11being creative, right?

32:13Perhaps you grew up in a household

32:14where you're being creative and everyone's

32:15like, "What are you doing?

32:17That's children stuff. Grow up. Be serious. Be logical.

32:23Uh-oh. Well, to fit into this household, creativity, out."

32:27Or on the flip side, you could also disown being logical.

32:30Maybe you grew up in a household where they're like, "Hey,

32:33let your soul shine.

32:34Why are you so logical? Why are you so serious?

32:37Ugh, come on. You're so boring.

32:41Uh-oh, logical there." And a big one we all put there,

32:46which is why I bring it up in the exercise, scream as loud

32:49as you can, is self-expression.

32:52You're loud. You're loud in class. Teacher, quiet.

32:57People in class, that's what they sound like. Never be loud.

33:04So there are many aspects that we disowned. Now guess what?

33:08You want to know why you don't feel good enough, everyone?

33:12That. You are not embodying

33:16all that is you.

33:19Not just that, but you want

33:21to know why you can't relax within you.

33:24Hey, what you see is what you get.

33:26I can be me, because relaxing within you means

33:29you could embody this.

33:31You want to know why you have social anxiety

33:34because you're afraid people will see through the good stuff

33:37and see all the defects within.

33:40Now, are these defects?

33:44They are unacceptable aspects that a younger

33:48traumatized version of you labeled as such.

33:52Now, you grow up.

33:54What happens is you grow up, people go

33:56the compensating route.

33:58So when you are being this part,

34:01you're getting external approval.

34:03The kids in your class like you, your parents like you,

34:06the teachers give you good grades or whatnot.

34:09You survive. When you're being these, bad.

34:14So you try to amplify this.

34:18"Hey, let's throw some approval at this.

34:20Let's throw some success at this.

34:23Let's throw some money at this. Let's go.

34:26Yes, more and more and more.

34:28"And you compensate and you compensate.

34:30But it doesn't matter how much you compensate,

34:32you're still compensating.

34:35People spend their entire lives doing this.

34:37I mean, I spent many years myself, you throw all the money,

34:40everything, all the success in the world

34:42and you think it'll make up for this, but it doesn't.

34:48And then there's always the fear.

34:49What if someone sees through me?

34:52What if they see of all these things within?

34:55And then this is also where your anxiety activates, where

35:00what are a lot of the different exercises

35:02that I have you do here on stage

35:04during this event is I'm asking you

35:06to embody something that you disowned.

35:10Now, here's where it gets very nuanced.

35:14Let's just say being loud is something you disowned,

35:17meaning a younger traumatized version of you

35:21said," Being loud right now threatens our survival.

35:24Being expressive, being charismatic threatens our survival.

35:29Get rid of it. "Which by the way, also another one,

35:32and this is one that I had for many years,

35:34is showing interest in someone.

35:37When I was eight, nine years old, I had a crush on a girl

35:41in school and the word got out.

35:44Do you think all the kids were happy for me?

35:47- Of course. Yeah.

35:49- It was like Julian and Sally sitting in a tree.

35:52Do you know he likes her? I'm like," No, I don't.

35:55No, I don't. Don't reject me.

35:57"So what happened in my mind, it's like," Hey, the part

36:00of me that is attracted to someone threatens my survival.

36:03I'm about to get canceled, get rid of it.

36:07"And then as an adult,

36:08and this is how fucked up it gets, do you want to know how?

36:12This is when I was like 18.

36:13I was like," I really want a girlfriend.

36:15You want to know my strategy and

36:16what I would even look up online?

36:18"It's like how to get someone attracted to you

36:21without letting them know that you like them.

36:27Why? Because I was looking for every way around

36:31embodying it again.

36:33Get it? Now,

36:37let's just take the simple example of being loud.

36:39Say I were to ask all of you once more,

36:41scream as loud as you can.

36:43Well, guess what? I'm asking you to embody this.

36:47You rejected it to survive, meaning a part of you, a

36:50younger traumatized version of you that still exists

36:53inside thinks embodying that will kill you.

36:56And that is the exact force you

36:57feel when you're asked to do so.

37:00Scream. Like you feel it. I can't.

37:05Well, who is pulling you back?

37:07Who is literally internally like, no.

37:11The younger version of you that though you would die,

37:15that's your anxiety.

37:17That is who is running the show.

37:19And it's not just around self-expression.

37:21It could also be around being successful.

37:23What if as a kid you get really good grades

37:27and for some reason, one

37:29of your friends is a bit jealous and you lose a friend?

37:32Well, what core belief might you form?

37:35Succeeding equals being alone. Do you want to be alone?

37:40So let's never succeed.

37:43And now as an adult, succeed,

37:45and there's a younger traumatized version.

37:47No. Pulls you back. That's the dynamic.

37:52Everything blocking you in your life right now,

37:55it's on an emotional level.

37:57And I'm saying this because nowadays with the internet, all

37:59of the external how-to advice,

38:01the action advice is out there.

38:04Right now, if you were all robots,

38:06like take all the emotions out of you.

38:09Be more like her. Gone.

38:13The external steps towards your goals are

38:15so simple and so easy.

38:17No? And if so, go on YouTube. It's out there.

38:23The problem back in the day is that there wasn't

38:24that much advice out there.

38:26Now with the internet, all the advice is out there.

38:28Take this action, take that action, take that action.

38:32Well, then what's blocking you? It's not logical,

38:33it's emotional, right?

38:35You could think of it as there are two maps.

38:37Here's the logical one.

38:39Go from point A to point B, straight line.

38:43But there's a map under it, an emotional map.

38:47And in that map, there are all these emotional walls.

38:50Bang, what's happening? I'm trying to go straight.

38:54Why am I blocked there? Why does self-sabotage activate?

38:57Why is there a force that pulls me back?

39:00It's me that traumatized you.

39:03That's who's running you right now.

39:06Now here's the question to reflect on.

39:08Would you let a traumatized child take charge of your life,

39:12be the CEO of your life?

39:14Yes, no? Does that sound like a great idea? Business owners?

39:18Yeah. Business owners, no? Would you hire that? Hire me.

39:22I'm highly traumatized. Yet that's what we're all doing.

39:27The social anxiety you feel, traumatize you.

39:32Now here's the mistake, unfortunately, a lot of people make.

39:35So one is they either let it win, "Oh, you're right.

39:39It's too scary." And they just succumb to it.

39:41The other, which is also very toxic,

39:45is they turn it into the enemy, right?

39:48Hey, willpower, self-discipline,

39:53work ethic, beat anxiety.

39:56Anxiety is the enemy.

39:59Do you want some tips to beat anxiety?

40:02Do you want some tips to fight

40:04that force that pulls you back?

40:07And people rely on this.

40:08That was the first part of my whole self-help journey too,

40:11is I tried to fight it, desensitize myself to it,

40:14use every tip and trick from accountability to you name it,

40:18to beat this traumatized version of me that is activating.

40:21And I turned it into the enemy.

40:23And every time I sense it would pull me back,

40:25I would hate it.

40:26"Why do you keep doing this?

40:28Why do you keep self-sabotaging what I want?

40:31I want to go there. Why are you pulling me away from there?

40:34"Because I didn't understand this.

40:36And here's the thing, self-sabotage, anxiety, the part

40:40of you that is pulling you away from your goals,

40:43it is not against you.

40:45It is on your side. This traumatized kid

40:48inside, it's on your side.

40:50It cares just as much about you than you.

40:53The only problem is it's highly immature.

40:57It believes things that aren't true.

40:59It made the wrong conclusions,

41:02but it's still trying to help you.

41:06Right now, as an example, do you guys know each other?

41:11Yeah. Okay. Let's just say you truly believed at a core

41:16that if he were to scream as loud as he could,

41:20he would explode, blood and guts flying over everyone

41:24and you believe that you'd pass a lie detector,

41:26you're like," Oh my gosh, if he screams, he's going to die.

41:30"And what if we're at the event, I'm like," Hey everyone,

41:33hey, scream as loud as you can.

41:35"And you heard me say that, what would you do?

41:38- I'd say no. - But say he's about to, you see him like.

41:42- I feel like no.

41:43- Yeah. You would grab him.

41:44You'd put your hand over his mouth

41:45and be like," Shut up, motherfucker.

41:48"And even if he's about to, he's pulling the hand out,

41:50you'd probably punch him in the stomach,

41:52like do whatever it takes.

41:53Now, is it to be mean to him? Is it against him?

41:57No, it's to help him, but it's based on a false belief.

42:01That's your anxiety. It's not against you.

42:04It's trying to help you, but it's not aligned.

42:08If a kid believes that there's a monster in a closet,

42:12and now as an adult,

42:14you're like," That's where I need to

42:15go. "What's he going to do?

42:17- No. - Get out of there and open. No, there's a monster.

42:23Now, back to your question, is what I'm feeling valid?

42:27Are the inner child's emotions valid? Yeah.

42:30If you believed yourself as an adult

42:33that there was a monster in there, for

42:34sure, you would feel that.

42:37Now, what's the approach? Should I just be

42:38like," Get out of here.

42:39There's no monster, pussy. Man

42:42- Up.

42:43- "Yes or no? No. No.

42:46Should I do," Oh, you're scared to open that?

42:49- Yeah. Yeah, you're right. - Let's never open it.

42:52- "No. - No. What's the approach?

42:56Comfort, parent, and face fear is bluff.

43:01That's this work. "Hey, what your feeling is valid.

43:07I'm here with you. I know you're scared. I'm here.

43:10I know you're scared,

43:13but this is not a situation where you are in danger.

43:17Let's go together. Dad, I'm scared.

43:21Hey, I know you're scared. It's okay. Feel it.

43:24I'm here with you. Let's go.

43:26Trust me." In a slow, gentle, guiding towards.

43:31And as you get closer, what happens?

43:33"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my God. I'm here. I'm here.

43:36A little more. I got you. We're safe. You're safe.

43:43Shh. Take a few deep breaths. I'm here. I'm here. Shh.

43:48Trust me. Do you trust me?

43:51- Okay.

43:58- Trust me. I'm with you.

44:00- I got you. Huh, there was no monster.

44:07That's what holds all of you back, myself included.

44:10It's a bluff. It is valid for a younger part of you,

44:15and that's what really messes with us

44:17as adults is you can logically look at a situation from your

44:21grownup perspective and you're like," Why am I scared here?

44:25"Same here. It's like if you were all to scream as loud

44:27as you can, do you think you're going to die right now?

44:29Do you think someone's hiding with a gun like a sniper?

44:33- Who's doing it? - No. Nothing will happen.

44:37But why are you acting like you might?

44:43A younger traumatized version of you. That's it.

44:47"Hey, you want to get in a relationship?

44:50You see someone you're attracted to, go say hi."

44:53What's the worst that could happen?

44:54"No, thank you. "Are you going to die?

44:57Are you going to explode? No.

44:59But a younger version of you, that'll happen.

45:04But it's a bluff. And it wins by convincing you it's real.

45:08It wins by convincing you it's not a bluff.

45:09And here's the thing, it's not trying to manipulate you,

45:12it authentically believes it

45:13because from its limited perspective,

45:15in the past, it was true.

45:20So you either get sucked into trauma's frame

45:23or you out frame it and call out the bluff.

45:27The choice is yours. And do not turn it into the enemy.

45:32Self-sabotage, anxiety,

45:33everything holding you back is not the enemy.

45:35It's simply misalignment.

45:38So step one, and that's what I talked about

45:40before where I said, ask why, get to know it.

45:45Any blockage in your life instead of what do I do?

45:48What are the tips? There's this thing holding me back.

45:51Ugh, what do I do? How can I get rid of this?

45:55Well, if it's simply because we're not aligned,

45:57it thinks safety is there.

45:58I think safety is there. It wants to go there.

46:00I want to go here. It's ask it, "Hey, why do you want

46:04to go there?" If you feel yourself being pulled away from

46:07taking action, pulled away from success,

46:09it means there's a younger version of you inside

46:12that believes success is dangerous and threatening.

46:17Did you ever ask it why? And it might not make sense.

46:21And it's okay if it doesn't make sense.

46:23It's valid from that part of you.

46:25"Hey, why don't you want to succeed?

46:29"Like I said before, because then you'll be alone.

46:32Now as an adult mind, like that's not true,

46:36but from its perspective, it's very true.

46:41Where did that come from? Understand it. Right?

46:45So then you get into the four different

46:49methods of introspection.

46:52Number one, triggers.

47:00You want to feel this little traumatized child

47:03lean into your triggers.

47:05Do not avoid them. Scream as loud as you can. Right?

47:09Now, when are you triggered? It's

47:10whenever your response is disproportionate to reality

47:14where you feel like you're going to die,

47:16but your logical mind, if you took the emotions out of it,

47:18you're like," Of course I'm not going to die.

47:20"Now it could be disproportionate in terms of the intensity

47:24like," Hey, go say out that person.

47:28Why are you acting like you're about to jump off a cliff?

47:30I'm going to die. "So the intensity, right?

47:33It could also be disproportionate in terms of the duration.

47:38So for example, a breakup,

47:40many people get triggered by a breakup.

47:43Is it fun to go through a breakup? You sure? Obviously, no.

47:48Is there a grieving phase? Yeah.

47:51But what if that grieving phase lasts five, 10, 20 years?

47:59You've never met someone who's still

48:00grieving someone after 20 years?

48:02You've never met someone like remarried even.

48:05It's like," My first wife. Yeah.

48:10"And funny enough, that's most people.

48:11And here's the other thing with breakups.

48:13People then try to date new people,

48:15but in the back of their mind, they're dating someone new

48:17to get over their ex, and

48:19because their goal is always

48:20to get over their ex, what happens?

48:22It keeps the ex alive.

48:24Well, hey, that's not proportionate to reality.

48:27Does the breakup suck? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes.

48:29Is there a grieving phase? Yes. Should it run you for years?

48:31No. Triggers.

48:37The other one is when?

48:41Want to go deeper into this?

48:43Well, hey, the traumatized version of you, a kid inside,

48:48is holding you back from self-expression.

48:51It's not the first time it did it.

48:53Don't you want to know when it started believing

48:55that it was dangerous, when the first time was,

48:59when it created that split?

49:01Ask it. Now, it's okay if you don't remember exactly.

49:05Sometimes it takes time,

49:07but that is also part of introspection

49:09and it'll bring up a lot more in terms of the sensations.

49:12The other one is why?

49:20I'm scared of putting myself out there. What do I do?

49:23No more what now? Why? And then follow the trail of whys.

49:27And then here's the beauty, especially when you tie it

49:30to letting go, is you stop zoning in on the files

49:34and you focus on the folders.

49:36As an example, here is fear of rejection.

49:42"Hey everyone, I'm scared of rejection. What do I do?

49:46"Why are you scared of rejection?

49:48Well, if I get rejected,

49:52people might not like me.

49:55Now what happens? Now you go deeper.

49:58People might not like me. What do I do? No, no, no. Why?

50:04Why is that bad or scary?

50:05Well, if they don't like me, I could end

50:09up alone.

50:14If they don't like me, then maybe I'm not good enough.

50:17So now you go from the fear of rejection to the fear

50:19of being alone or the fear of not being good enough.

50:22Now here's the thing. This, the fear of rejection is a file.

50:26And I've seen this mistake play out

50:27so many times in letting go

50:29where people focus on every single

50:30situation that triggers them.

50:33So it's like," Oh, I'm scared of rejection.

50:35I'm scared of taking action here.

50:37I'm scared of self-expression.

50:38I'm scared of showing

50:39excitement, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

50:41Million and one files.

50:43But if you go deeper by following the trail of wise,

50:47let's just say you lead to the fear of being alone.

50:50Guess what? The fear of being alone is at the bottom

50:54of the trail of wise of many other fears.

50:57So instead of going one by one, by one, by one, right,

51:00files, folders,

51:04this is the folder, the fear of being alone.

51:07Zap that and every external situation that is run

51:11by it, gone.

51:15And the last one is shadow questions.

51:23And forgive my handwriting. A younger traumatized

51:28version of me decided

51:31that perfect handwriting is highly

51:33threatening to my survival.

51:37Shadow questions. Now this builds exactly on

51:40what I said here, meaning,

51:43and this is the premise, what if everything in your life

51:46right now, a part of you loved it?

51:49Take it in. Do all

51:51of you love, do you love the way you look?

51:55Do you love your health, your weight, et cetera?

51:58Anyone want to change it? Anyone not like it?

52:00Raise your hand. Bullshit.

52:04Do you all love the amount of money you make?

52:06Like if you take the past few years around

52:08where you stayed financially, do you love that?

52:12Bullshit, you do. Do you all love

52:15the pain you experience in your life?

52:18Yes? No? You do.

52:22Now, not all of you does,

52:24otherwise you wouldn't be here, but a part of you does.

52:29So let's do a thought experiment. What if, okay?

52:34What if everything you hate,

52:35the things you hate the most, a part of you loves it?

52:39That's why it's there. Now it doesn't mean loves it,

52:43like this is great,

52:44but what if loves it in terms of this is safe?

52:48Not great, safe. Pain is very safe.

52:54Being invisible is very safe. Being anxious is very safe.

52:59Closing up, playing a character that is so much less than

53:03who you are is very safe.

53:07Being unhealthy, what if that's very safe?

53:09So again, not great,

53:11but what if a part of you is getting something out of it?

53:13There's a hidden secret payoff.

53:16Well, if you want to change things, instead

53:18of saying, "I hate this.

53:20I hate this. Why do I keep doing this?" What if you took

53:23that thought experiment

53:24and said, "Well, if I keep going back to this,

53:27there's a pattern here.

53:29Obviously a part of me out of my awareness loves it, a.k.a.

53:33Your shadow or you're aware of what you're not aware of.

53:36Well, then how are you going to find the payoff?

53:39You got to talk to your shadow." Those are shadow questions.

53:44Now here's an example of a shadow question,

53:46and let me know your default reaction when you

53:48hear this, okay?

53:51Why do you, all of you,

53:55why do you deserve to suffer?

53:57Give me your reaction. You're probably thinking, "I don't.

54:01What the fuck?" Right?

54:03I hope, unless you're like, "Yeah." No.

54:06I hope the answer is, "Well, I don't.

54:07What are you talking about?" And I agree, you don't.

54:10That is the right answer.

54:11But we're not speaking English here.

54:13We're not speaking right answers.

54:15What I'm saying is ask that to you.

54:17Why do I deserve to suffer?

54:18And perhaps you might hear something scream an answer out

54:22because of what you did when you were five.

54:24The fuck? Because you're ugly. What?

54:28Why are you not good enough?

54:30Of course you are, but see what shoots up.

54:34Don't stuff that down. Whatever answer comes up is gold.

54:38That is your list of letting go.

54:40Why are you not good enough?

54:43Because of this, this, this, this, this. Take notes.

54:45Be like, "What else? Tell me more, please.

54:48Why am I not good enough?" There's your

54:50whole list of what's running you.

54:53Why are you unlovable? And resist the right answer.

54:57"I am lovable. "Yes, you are. Put that aside.

54:59Talk to your shadow. "Why do I deserve more pain?

55:04Why is success not for me?

55:06Why do my parents not love me

55:07and it's entirely my fault?" Is it?

55:10Of course not. Stop focusing on the

55:12validity of the question.

55:14You're not speaking English or German.

55:16You're speaking shadow. Play the devil's advocate.

55:19You want to get to know the devil, speak the language

55:21of the devil, and then

55:24realize once more, it's not the devil.

55:26It's a traumatized child that is not aligned.

55:29Speak its language, get to know it.

55:31Does this make sense so far? Yes. Okay.

55:35So with everything holding you back right now,

55:37what if a part of you does not want it?

55:39What if a part of you loves the fact

55:41that you are being held back?

55:44Use these tools and here's the next level,

55:48combine these tools.

55:51So Trail of Wise, you can do why, why,

55:53why, and then maybe you'll hit a wall.

55:56With the answer, throw in some shadow questions.

55:59Then you might go deeper.

56:00Then do why, trail of whys on the shadow questions.

56:03Then throw in a when, then throw in a trigger.

56:06And when you get this,

56:09you now understand the exact process I take

56:11everyone I bring up on stage through.

56:16Let it land. After this event, go on my YouTube, go

56:19through the videos where you see me coach people on stage

56:22and you will understand it at a whole deeper layer.

56:25Now, there are layers beyond this too,

56:27but this is a good one to start with.

56:29Meaning when I bring people up,

56:30I have no idea where it's going to go.

56:32And sure, there are some questions that are,

56:36you could say stock questions to kind

56:38of just get things going, right?

56:39Like what's going on with you? How do you feel right now?

56:44That kind of opens it. But then what do I say next?

56:47Well, that depends on what data they gave me.

56:49"Oh, I'm really anxious right now.

56:53"When am I most likely going to ask? Why. Why? Trailer wise.

56:57Why? Well, you know, I'm scared of what people think of me.

57:03What do I probably say there? Why? Follow the trailer wise.

57:06So go deeper into the folder. Then I might go like," When?

57:10When did that start? You weren't born that way, right?

57:13"Then I might throw in some shadow questions.

57:15Then I might lean into a trigger. Hey, get judged.

57:18Hey, get some people to reject you. Leans into the trigger.

57:20And I do this whole combo between these four tools.

57:25Do you see it? Yeah.

57:26It's not magic. What you see me do is not like

57:29- Summon the letting gods.

57:32- It's logical and practical. I'm a very logical person.

57:35So you go through all this

57:38and then the more people I coach, the more patterns I see,

57:40the more I can tie it back to it.

57:42If you understand this model, watch more

57:44and more videos of the breakdowns on stage on YouTube

57:46and don't just view them through entertainment

57:48or epiphany chasing or feeling good.

57:51Ask yourself, with everything that Julian is saying,

57:53there is a reason he's saying it.

57:55There is a reason he's asking it.

57:57- What is it? - And then of course,

57:59what is my version of that?

58:01And then you can apply these tools to you.

58:04Well, hey, what if I was doing the same thing to you?

58:06Next time you feel this blockage,

58:07next time you feel this fear, where am I going to go?

58:11Am I going to lean into the trigger, face the bluff?

58:14Am I going to go when? Am I going to go trail of wise?

58:17Am I going to go shadow questions? What is needed?

58:20How do I combine it? And all

58:22of this is the first step of letting go.

58:25It's awareness, awareness, awareness

58:27because right now there's what you

58:28know, there's what you don't know.

58:30This is classic self-help,

58:31and there's what you don't know, you don't know.

58:35But what this inner child knows,

58:37what this traumatized kid knows, that's the gold.

58:40You want to let go of what's running you, you got

58:42to bring this up first.

58:45Now, we'll go even deeper.

58:47Say you bring it up and the kid gives you all the answers.

58:50"Well, Julian, when you were five, this thing and this thing

58:53and that's why you created this inner split.

59:00"Okay, thanks for telling me that.

59:01I now understand where it all comes from.

59:05Now here is where it gets very nuanced.

59:07Who here knows where their trauma comes from?

59:09Raise your hand. A lot of you. Yeah.

59:13You all know where your problems come from.

59:15You probably know the situations.

59:17You've probably done some kind of introspection

59:20and you're like," Well, there's this

59:21and that's how it affected me and this is

59:22how it affects my life today and this and this

59:24and you understand it.

59:27Now - Yeah, yeah.

59:30Now that's great by the way, meaning everyone

59:32to raise their hand, you're one step ahead than most,

59:36but what's the trap at that level?

59:39You get stuck on understanding, right?

59:44Now you have to understand some for sure

59:47because most people will avoid that.

59:48They'll jump to action, like compensating action,

59:52the what now action.

59:54And although at the surface it might seem like you're making

59:57progress, like if I'm anxious

59:59and I just start saying, Get out I'm confident.

1:00:00Get out of here. I'm confident.

1:00:02You might think I win, say in the short term,

1:00:05but it never gets to the cause.

1:00:07And eventually you'll have to pay the bill.

1:00:09And the longer you delay it, the more it stacks up

1:00:12because now I don't just have to let go

1:00:15of the original trauma.

1:00:16I have to let go of all the times I stuffed it down

1:00:20and bullied it and

1:00:21willpowered against it and hustled through it.

1:00:23So screw this work ethic.

1:00:25Instead of work ethic, it's what I would say,

1:00:28develop a work magnet.

1:00:29Like why are you not pulled towards success?

1:00:32Why do you need to motivate

1:00:34yourself to have your own best interest at heart?

1:00:37The only reason is

1:00:38because a part of you is not aligned with that direction.

1:00:40But beating it, turning it into the enemy is turning

1:00:43you into the enemy.

1:00:44And then no wonder you don't love yourself.

1:00:46And you'll see people do that.

1:00:48They're lazy and it's not that they're lazy, it's

1:00:50that a part of them, for example, fear success.

1:00:53So I want to be successful. Hey,

1:00:55- Remember when you were young,

1:00:56successful threads are survival?

1:00:59- Shut up pussy. We're going. Don't, don't.

1:01:04We're going. Say I power through and do that.

1:01:08Discipline, work ethic, tons

1:01:10of David Goggins YouTube videos.

1:01:13Watch them. No excuses.

1:01:16- You hear that? - Say I do that.

1:01:20On the surface, sure,

1:01:21you might see me like accomplish certain things.

1:01:23Look everyone, I made it. How do I feel inside?

1:01:28- Shit. - Yep.

1:01:31And welcome to 99% of people who make it.

1:01:35Don't fall for the surface.

1:01:37When you look at success, it's not

1:01:39what did this person accomplish?

1:01:40What do they have? It's how do they feel about themselves?

1:01:45Would you trade lives with them?

1:01:48Which is interesting to think about too, right?

1:01:50For all of you, who wants way more money?

1:01:52Who says money equals success? Raise your hand. Okay.

1:01:56So if you say money equals success,

1:01:59the most successful person in the world is Elon Musk.

1:02:02He has the most money, objectively.

1:02:04Would you trade lives with him? Do you want his lifestyle?

1:02:08Not his personality, his lifestyle.

1:02:11It doesn't seem chill, relaxing? No.

1:02:14- Working 18 hours.

1:02:16- Yeah. Lawsuits, lawyers, craziness. You don't want it?

1:02:22So suddenly it redefines it. So it's not just money.

1:02:26It's money and more than that. Right?

1:02:30So the key of success is if you look at someone,

1:02:33it's would I trade lives with them?

1:02:36Because you can't just have one part of it.

1:02:38You can just be like, I just want the money

1:02:40part, not the rest.

1:02:41No, it's the whole package.

1:02:43And ideally you live your life so

1:02:45that there's no one you would trade lives

1:02:47with apart from yourself.

1:02:49But that's the true definition of success, right?

1:02:54So if you're not enjoying the results,

1:02:56as we also talked about before, and you're getting results,

1:02:59although other people might applaud, look at the money,

1:03:02look at all the accomplishments.

1:03:04Okay, but who are you in the process?

1:03:06Well, I hate myself in the process.

1:03:07I created an even bigger split.

1:03:10But look, I can throw money at my trauma.

1:03:15Well, if you're not enjoying the

1:03:16results, they're not results.

1:03:18Well, maybe if I throw more money at it, no, it's going

1:03:22to just feed the same problem.

1:03:25And you don't need to accomplish a lot to realize this.

1:03:27All of you now have accomplished things younger versions

1:03:30of you dreamt of.

1:03:33Younger versions of you thought

1:03:35that would change everything.

1:03:40Let's just go beyond the money. Let's go relationships.

1:03:42Anyone, have you ever been,

1:03:45assuming you're in a relationship now

1:03:47or you've had a relationship,

1:03:49did you ever get into this hole

1:03:50where you just though like if I just had a

1:03:52partner, my whole life would change?

1:03:54That's the missing piece? Yeah. I though that.

1:03:58I literally thought if I have a partner in my lowest days,

1:04:02that's the solution to all my problems.

1:04:05Somehow all my finances would be taken care of

1:04:08the rest of my life.

1:04:09I just need to find love. All right, did it work? Nope.

1:04:15No. Now of course it can fulfill certain parts, yes,

1:04:19but it's not this thing on a pedestal.

1:04:21And it's the thing, what are you putting on a pedestal?

1:04:24And that doesn't mean fuck having a partner

1:04:27because people will go the other route.

1:04:28They'll try chasing this like, let's throw money,

1:04:31let's throw money, let's throw relationships,

1:04:32let's throw validation, let's throw whatever it is.

1:04:35And the more it didn't work,

1:04:36eventually they're like, "You know what?

1:04:38Fuck it all. I don't want a partner.

1:04:39I want nothing." Okay, but that's not healthy either.

1:04:43And if there's one thing you remember,

1:04:46and this is the thing that really you could say breaks down

1:04:49the nuance, is it's never the thing,

1:04:51it's your relationship to that thing.

1:04:54It's the place it's coming from.

1:04:55Meaning, go and make tons of money by all means. Don't be.

1:05:01Because here you'll see one side.

1:05:02One side is the business, like money's all that matters.

1:05:06You are only as good as how much money you have.

1:05:09The other side is the more spiritual minimalist.

1:05:11Say, no, no, no. Give away possessions. No money.

1:05:16Now which one's better? In reality, none.

1:05:20It's ultimately what is your win? So it's not the thing.

1:05:23It's if you feel inspired

1:05:25to make money, by all means make money.

1:05:27If you feel inspired to make no money, then make no money.

1:05:30But what is the driver?

1:05:32It's not about money, it's your relationship to money.

1:05:35The same with success. If you take someone

1:05:37who like say Elon Musk, tons and tons of money

1:05:40and let's just say that's authentic to someone

1:05:42where they are authentically just driven by that.

1:05:45Like I want to build a business and this and this and this.

1:05:47Well then they are living their authentic life good for you.

1:05:50Is it fulfilling you? Yes, good. Say you take someone else.

1:05:53You know what? I just want to surf.

1:05:56And they're working at a bar in Australia on the

1:05:58beach and they surf every day.

1:06:00Who's more successful?

1:06:03- Both. - Both.

1:06:05It's not the thing, it's the place it's coming from.

1:06:08But if you're using it to complete you, toxic.

1:06:11The same with a relationship.

1:06:12It's not about being in a relationship or not,

1:06:14but are you using someone to complete you?

1:06:18Are you throwing another person where you can't be all

1:06:21that is you, but instead

1:06:24of confronting your own inner demons

1:06:26and re-owning all this, you're using another person.

1:06:31If I throw another person, it'll be my other half, right?

1:06:35That's the whole idea of other half.

1:06:37So in a way you're delegating self-love.

1:06:40It's artificial and that's also why it doesn't work.

1:06:43You can't use some. I know.

1:06:45It's so subtle once you get this, you're like, oh my God.

1:06:47And then you see it everywhere. It's like, yeah,

1:06:50only you can complete you.

1:06:52And it doesn't mean now, well,

1:06:53because I'm complete, no one wrong.

1:06:57You want to get in a relationship, get into it.

1:06:58But now it's from a solid foundation where you are whole,

1:07:01ideally find someone else who's whole

1:07:03and together there's a certain synergy called love.

1:07:06But unfortunately what you see is two halves

1:07:09and here is where it gets crazy.

1:07:13Say you take one person who's disowned, being expressive,

1:07:17who's disowned, putting themselves out there first, right?

1:07:22Threatens my survival as a kid.

1:07:24Guess who they are going to feel attraction for?

1:07:29Someone who embodies those things.

1:07:32And that is why the codependent and the narcissist.

1:07:38Do you get it? Now, they're not even attracted

1:07:41to the person, but they believe

1:07:43that they are with that person.

1:07:45They don't have to re-own it within themselves.

1:07:47They'll get it through the other person

1:07:49and vice versa, right?

1:07:52- It works to a certain degree.

1:07:57- No, I mean, I wish it did.

1:07:58It'd be so much easier, but unfortunately what it leads

1:08:01to is attachment, fear of loss

1:08:05and manipulation where you'll see the two parties come

1:08:09together and say a part, one part's like,

1:08:12"It worked." So say I'm super shy.

1:08:14Well, what am I going

1:08:16to place on a pedestal the things I disown?

1:08:18So when I see someone who say confident, expressive,

1:08:20I'm like, "Halo effect, pedestal.

1:08:23Come to me together.

1:08:24We will be one." But then here's the thing.

1:08:27So say we're together, what if he leaves me?

1:08:32Then I'm back to being a little half. Yeah, I'm fucked.

1:08:38Meaning you will never leave me. Movie obsession, ever.

1:08:44And it won't even be consciously,

1:08:46but unconsciously there will be all these subtle

1:08:48manipulation games and vice versa.

1:08:51Say he has disowned the part of him that's more emotional,

1:08:56the part of him that is more gentle and more shy,

1:08:58and he sees that in me.

1:08:59And that's again, narcissist codependent.

1:09:02The codependent doesn't see the

1:09:03narcissist as a toxic person.

1:09:05They see the narcissist as like

1:09:07a confident person who's into themselves

1:09:09and loves themselves and confident about who they are.

1:09:13And the narcissist doesn't see a codependent

1:09:15as like a needy little ugh.

1:09:16They're like, "Here's someone who will listen

1:09:18to everything I have to say

1:09:19and validate everything that I say

1:09:21and need me no matter what." Well, guess what?

1:09:25They don't want to lose each other. It's super toxic.

1:09:27The dynamic is toxic because it's not love.

1:09:29It's attachment and fear of loss. It's neediness.

1:09:32And that is unfortunately what most people, you could say,

1:09:36confuse with love, right?

1:09:37You think you've experienced love

1:09:40if you haven't completed yourself

1:09:41and no one's ever perfect at this either.

1:09:44So it's always nuanced, but if it's like I need

1:09:47or else, that's not love.

1:09:50It's attachment. And you're like, attachment is love.

1:09:53And then there's a fear of loss

1:09:54and then there's a subtle manipulation in the power plays

1:09:57and you're not there like confident

1:09:59with yourself connecting to someone.

1:10:01It's can't lose you, can't lose you, can't lose you.

1:10:04Don't you leave me. Don't you leave me.

1:10:06And vice versa, you're like, don't you leave me.

1:10:08Don't leave you leave me. Super toxic.

1:10:11And it's not just people.

1:10:14Your other half could be anything.

1:10:18Fame, money, all the above.

1:10:22Perfect health, perfect physique, validation.

1:10:26What is your other half?

1:10:27What are you delegating to the external?

1:10:30And it's the thing you're the most needy around

1:10:32and it's the thing you fear losing the most.

1:10:35And like I said, it doesn't mean give up on that thing.

1:10:38Go for it, but don't use it to complete you.

1:10:46So the only way, and by the way, here's the key.

1:10:50It's like people then try

1:10:54to flip it, like they'll form an alternate ego.

1:10:56It's like the only way is to dissolve this.

1:11:00Everything about you, what if there is nothing unacceptable?

1:11:08And by the way, you know what else is in here? Past trauma.

1:11:14Here are all. Now we go really deep

1:11:16and I hope this is clicking.

1:11:18I'm doing it in a fun presentation.

1:11:21It's a very simplified presentation,

1:11:23but it's such a complex topic that simplifying it like this,

1:11:26you're like, "Oh, now I get it." So I hope you're getting

1:11:29those epiphanies, but don't chase epiphanies.

1:11:32Epiphanies will complete me.

1:11:34But the deeper layer is the big X in here

1:11:40is all the past traumatic experiences you went through.

1:11:45For example, anyone gone through abuse? Raise your hand.

1:11:50Abuse. Yeah.

1:11:55Have you ever heard the word abuse before, sir?

1:11:58Like what is abuse? Rape?

1:12:01Have you heard of rape before, sir?

1:12:04Was it you who asked with the glasses? I

1:12:06- Asked.

1:12:07- Oh, you? Yeah. Have you heard of rape? Rape?

1:12:09- I mean, what type of abuse?

1:12:11- All abuse. The most fucked up shit.

1:12:13How do you have to like, "Well, what type does it get bad?

1:12:16It's all bad. What the fuck, dude?" Like what kind of abuse?

1:12:21Unless you're like, "Animal abuse is the

1:12:22word." All abuse.

1:12:27Well, hey, you know where that goes?

1:12:29Those experiences that are so traumatic and so fucked up

1:12:33and so horrible that even acknowledging that they happened,

1:12:37acknowledging that they happened to you, that you are part

1:12:40of those experiences, threatens your entire existence.

1:12:43Where do you think you're going to put them?

1:12:45In the same split. So re-owning

1:12:49and becoming whole isn't just

1:12:51the light stuff like self-expression.

1:12:53It also means re-owning those experiences.

1:12:58Now guess what? What if those experiences were too much

1:13:01for you to handle at the time?

1:13:02Even acknowledging that that happened,

1:13:05and this is why you'll even hear tales of people gone

1:13:08through insane fucked up shit where they almost zoom out

1:13:11and view themselves from a third person perspective.

1:13:13And I'm sorry to get dark here, right?

1:13:15There's trauma with a,

1:13:16you could say lowercase T and capital T.

1:13:18We're going capital T. Well, guess what?

1:13:22That, you will have to revisit it.

1:13:25It doesn't mean approving of it to be clear,

1:13:29but it means perhaps from a younger you when that happened,

1:13:33acknowledging it would destroy you.

1:13:35But you're now older and you must acknowledge it.

1:13:39Not approve, not say it's okay,

1:13:42but say, "Hey, that did happen to me

1:13:46and that is a part of me

1:13:49and it does not diminish me." If

1:13:54you're in denial to that, you will forever have that split.

1:13:59And if there's fear around it, and I'm getting emotional

1:14:03because I've coached so many people through this,

1:14:04is there's fear, disgust, shame around it,

1:14:08that's the stuff you have to process

1:14:09because until you do, nothing out there will change it

1:14:14and you are stronger now.

1:14:17The example I give,

1:14:19and it's again a gross simplification of this,

1:14:21but imagine you, like anyone go through a really

1:14:26intense time, hard time, stressful time,

1:14:30like a life crisis.

1:14:33You'll go through that life crisis

1:14:35and when it's happening, like when things are falling apart,

1:14:38you go into survival.

1:14:40So you go into survival

1:14:42and there's an acquaintance of mine, even right now,

1:14:45like he just lost his job, he has two kids

1:14:48and he's freaking out.

1:14:50He thinks his life is over and everyone

1:14:53and their mom is reaching out to this guy

1:14:55and they're like, "Hey, sorry to hear.

1:14:56How you doing? I heard you lost your job.

1:14:59I'm here if you need to talk, blah, blah,

1:15:01blah, saying all the right things.

1:15:03Do you think right now he's like," Let's talk.

1:15:06"No, he's like," Thank you,

1:15:09but right now I'm in panic survival mode.

1:15:12"But that's when everyone's checking in.

1:15:14So right now he's like at war.

1:15:15He's like," I don't have time to feel.

1:15:17I don't have time to feel sorry for myself.

1:15:18Solution, solution, solution. Go, go, go, go, go.

1:15:21Got to survive. "Now, my bet is two,

1:15:25three months from now, he'll be fine.

1:15:27He'll have a new job. He'll find his way back

1:15:30to his comfort zone as we all do.

1:15:32And that's when all the support fades away

1:15:35because like," Well, look, he got a new job.

1:15:36He's fine. "But guess what?

1:15:39That's going to be the worst time for him.

1:15:42And that's when everyone stops checking in on you

1:15:45because now he's out of survival

1:15:47and now all the things that he's stuffed down to survive

1:15:50finally surface.

1:15:53It's not when things are tough.

1:15:56When things are tough, you stuff it down to live.

1:15:59When things are chill,

1:16:00all the things you stuff down finally visit you.

1:16:05So that's the thing here.

1:16:07And sometimes, especially as a child

1:16:09or when you're very young and you have something

1:16:11so fucked up happen to you, you can't process it.

1:16:16But as an adult, now you can, you can revisit.

1:16:19But what happens when you revisit those instances?

1:16:22The younger version of you who actually went

1:16:26through it surfaces," Hey, this will destroy us.

1:16:30"And just like with anxiety, the anxiety is the easy level.

1:16:34Revisit your trauma that's master boss level.

1:16:40Don't, don't. And that's another bluff you have to face.

1:16:44Yeah, you couldn't feel it then, you can feel it now.

1:16:47You are stronger now and it is time.

1:16:49If you don't feel it, it'll run you.

1:16:51You'll be a victim to it and it will control you.

1:16:56And that's where you have to remind yourself the

1:16:58only way out is through.

1:17:00And it can take time

1:17:02because it is, like I said, the master boss level,

1:17:05meaning you'll probably do a little bit

1:17:07and then you'll be like," It's too intense.

1:17:08"And you'll run around and try other things.

1:17:11And eventually you'll reach a point

1:17:12where you realize there is no other way but through.

1:17:16Most likely a lot of you here,

1:17:18you've tried a million and one other ways.

1:17:21You've tried a positive affirmations,

1:17:23you tried the journaling, you've tried this, you've tried

1:17:25that, you tried the action,

1:17:26you tried the hustle, you tried the discipline.

1:17:30Here you are. And I'm not here

1:17:32to sell you on something else like," Hey,

1:17:33here's actually a secret passage.

1:17:35"There's no secret passage. There's no shortcut.

1:17:38You want to be free? It's through your pain.

1:17:42Real inner work is facing the scariest shit within.

1:17:47It's like opening Pandora's box.

1:17:49And what you think is fucked up within you is nothing.

1:17:53It's way worse than you think, to be clear.

1:17:56What you're scared of within,

1:17:57it's way scarier than you think.

1:18:01Any external action is so much easier than actually facing

1:18:05with what is within and it will destroy you to be clear.

1:18:09You will not be the same on the other side,

1:18:12but what it destroys is it you,

1:18:16it's who you think you are.

1:18:17It's the ego. Now here's another word of warning.

1:18:22It won't just destroy you who you think you are.

1:18:25It's going to fuck up your life externally too.

1:18:28Like you all think, hey, being authentic, being yourself.

1:18:32Yay, does it sound good?

1:18:34Do you think everyone's going to love it? Yeah?

1:18:38Do you think your life's going to get better and more chill?

1:18:41No. No.

1:18:44There is the destruction phase of transformation

1:18:48and that's the biggest price to pay.

1:18:51People who you might resonate with now

1:18:53who suddenly no longer resonate with you,

1:18:55who suddenly actually fucking hate you.

1:18:58Why? Nothing to do with you, but

1:19:00because you played a key part in their comfort zone.

1:19:03You're no longer that,

1:19:04you're messing with their comfort zone.

1:19:06Who do you think they're going to blame? You.

1:19:10People who also though you were real.

1:19:14Say we're friends. I'm like, "I like you, man.

1:19:17You like the color blue, right?" Yeah.

1:19:20I've known him for years. He's always liked the color blue.

1:19:23Say he does the inner work.

1:19:24"Hey, actually I like the color red.

1:19:26"I might be like," Oh, thanks for being authentic,

1:19:29"or," Were you lying to me this whole time?

1:19:34"What? Do you not respect me? "What the fuck, dude?

1:19:37How do I even trust you? I don't even know you anymore.

1:19:40You like the color blue.

1:19:41Now you're saying red?" Hey, if people are used

1:19:46to you being a certain way, you start acting different,

1:19:49they're going to be like, "Oh, finally you're authentic."

1:19:51They're going to be like, "I though you

1:19:52were authentic before.

1:19:54I don't know you." And this won't just be acquaintances.

1:19:58I've had clients who I coached through this.

1:20:00One lady comes to mind recently too, who's been married

1:20:03for 20 plus years, has like, I believe three kids,

1:20:07perhaps two, but I think three, and did massive changes.

1:20:11Very people pleased her in the past,

1:20:13would always shut down her emotions,

1:20:15just please everyone around her.

1:20:18She would talk about how was her birthday or Mother's Day

1:20:21and her family would do nothing, right?

1:20:23The husband would bury his head in work

1:20:26and she just felt undervalued

1:20:28and just didn't know who she was.

1:20:30Started doing this work,

1:20:32revisited the stuff going on within, started speaking up

1:20:35for herself, started feeling what's there,

1:20:37started actually having personal boundaries.

1:20:40Do you think everyone was like,

1:20:42"Finally." No.

1:20:45Guess what? The husband started getting really upset about

1:20:48it, not happy about it, getting really pissed too.

1:20:52It's like, "What is this? You're messing up

1:20:54with the dynamic." "Hey, but it was my birthday

1:20:57and no one even said happy birthday.

1:21:00What the fuck do you want? I'm busy. I'm working.

1:21:04Don't you care about the kids? Who's paying for all this?

1:21:08Go back to how you were before.

1:21:10Ever since you started this coaching shit, things changed.

1:21:13I don't like it. "Now guess what?

1:21:17She's not willing to back down,

1:21:18but she's also not like," Well, fuck you.

1:21:21"So she's like," Hey, let's talk about this.

1:21:23Let's have a crucial conversation.

1:21:24If they have trouble, hey, let's go

1:21:25talk to a marriage counselor.

1:21:27"Guess what the husband's doing now? Divorce.

1:21:31"Hey, authenticity, everyone." So the question for all

1:21:36of you is, are you willing to pay the price?

1:21:39- We'll see. - That's the thing. It's like, it's not free.

1:21:43I wish it was. It's not free

1:21:45and the journey there is not through feeling good

1:21:47and feeling better and better and better and better.

1:21:50It's up and down. It's chaos.

1:21:54But at a core though, what is the lesson there?

1:21:57Like it sucks. I feel really bad.

1:21:59I'm like, "Fuck, that really sucks." But what's the lesson?

1:22:02Who did the husband love? Her? The front.

1:22:08And the more you build your life around a front,

1:22:11whether it's a front that is appearing more confident

1:22:13or different than you are, or more stifled, less excited,

1:22:17more shy than you are, or the people pleaser,

1:22:20or the good kid, or the.

1:22:22Oh, excuse me. And that used to be me in Switzerland, right?

1:22:25Growing up, if I went to the restaurant with my family

1:22:27and I had to order, I want another glass of water, right?

1:22:31In Switzerland at the time was called in French.

1:22:35So I'd have to call the waitress like.

1:22:40I'd play a shy boyfriend

1:22:43and I would feel myself act into it.

1:22:45I'm going to be like, "Excuse me what?" I'd be like,

1:22:47"Excuse me.

1:22:49Thank you. Oh yeah, I know I asked. I drank the water.

1:22:52Can I have another glass, please? Thank you. Thank you.

1:22:55What the fuck is this?" Something would hijack me.

1:22:59But what if that is your life

1:23:03and everyone around you is built around that?

1:23:07Let go of that, your life fucking falls apart.

1:23:11Not all of it, but a lot of it.

1:23:14And that is where you're faced with the ultimate choice

1:23:17and it's why I keep asking all of you,

1:23:18do you really want to change?

1:23:20Because I also don't want you to lead you down this road

1:23:22where you're like, "Yeah, let's do it." And as soon

1:23:24as you start seeing the change, you're like, "Oh,

1:23:27actually things are kind of falling apart.

1:23:29I want to go back. I want

1:23:30to go back." Because that happens too.

1:23:32It's like you're swimming from here to here.

1:23:34You start swimming, it's exciting. You're like, "Let's go.

1:23:36Fuck this side of the river." As you start swimming,

1:23:41it's intense and you get challenged.

1:23:44And although, like I said, with this example

1:23:46of the married lady and all that, the external is intense.

1:23:50Internally, it's intense too

1:23:51because you have no more bearing or sense of who you are.

1:23:56And that's really, really scary.

1:23:58And it's not just no sense of who you are,

1:24:01but you will feel very raw and very vulnerable

1:24:05and there will be times

1:24:06where you'll just break down in tears for no reason

1:24:09and things will just poke at you

1:24:11and you're just like, "I'm falling apart." But the way

1:24:15there is to fall apart.

1:24:17What is falling apart? It's who you think you are, not you.

1:24:20And that's where you're faced with a crucial choice,

1:24:22which is you're either going to keep going

1:24:25and it's like having this absolute fate where it's like

1:24:28anything is better than that

1:24:30or you'll rationalize and go back.

1:24:33But I always tell my clients is if you go

1:24:35back, you know what happens?

1:24:37You know where that leads you?

1:24:39Back here because you were on that shore before

1:24:42and it's what led you to jump off.

1:24:44Go back, you'll want to jump off again.

1:24:47And the ultimate motivation in my experience is this.

1:24:53It doesn't matter how great things are out here

1:24:57or how shitty things are on the external, the thing

1:25:01that will color the external

1:25:03and that really dictates it all is

1:25:05how you feel about yourself within.

1:25:07Like even rejection,

1:25:09it doesn't hurt when you get rejected out there.

1:25:11It sucks, sure, but it doesn't hurt.

1:25:13What hurts is when you're rejecting yourself within

1:25:16and it doesn't matter how great things are out there,

1:25:18if you're rejecting yourself within,

1:25:20if you're not embodying all that is you,

1:25:23it is never worth it.

1:25:25I would rather sacrifice everything out there

1:25:27and say true me within.

1:25:29And that is the one thing personally I would die for.

1:25:34And if there's nothing you would die

1:25:36for, there's nothing you believe in.

1:25:37There's things you prefer, things you

1:25:39like but not believe in.

1:25:42Authenticity is all.

1:25:44And sure, things will melt away,

1:25:47but at the same time, it's audit.

1:25:50Do you love what is that much?

1:25:52And it doesn't mean love

1:25:53what is like screw it all, like we said.

1:25:56It's not the thing. It's your relationship to that thing.

1:25:58And a lot will improve too, but some will fade away.

1:26:04So nothing is free. And the question is,

1:26:06are you willing to pay the price?

1:26:08And it's not a financial price.

1:26:10It's a self concept, self-image price, relationship,

1:26:15friendship, price,

1:26:17but it is so fucking worth it on the other side.

1:26:22Little rant on that, but let's go even deeper.

1:26:25Does this make sense? Okay, good.

1:26:28And I hope you see it too when you hear me explain this,

1:26:30how it ties in where you'll see, again,

1:26:34the breakdowns I do on stage

1:26:36and I'll throw in, I mean, even in this speech here,

1:26:40I'll throw in the jokes and stuff.

1:26:41Why do I do that?

1:26:44- To make it relatable. To make it easier.

1:26:48- To make hard, intense,

1:26:51emotional work a little bit more fun.

1:26:54The way I talked about it here is how I feel about it.

1:26:56Like what I teach is not some, hey, fucking fun shit.

1:27:00It is so heavy, so intense

1:27:02that if you don't bring in some jokes, you're fucked.

1:27:07That's it. But the core of the matter is

1:27:09what I talked about here, for real.

1:27:12And everything that I talked about here, please view that

1:27:17through every single breakdown yourself

1:27:19and everything moving forward.

1:27:21Like yeah, there's fun jokes and examples

1:27:24and of course leading into the triggers, I'll try

1:27:26to make it funny, but at a core it links to this.

1:27:29And also realize that you will never dissolve

1:27:32that split 100%, ever, and do not aim for it either.

1:27:38Okay? You'll never let go of everything, for example,

1:27:42and you will never not be triggered.

1:27:45The key though is to let go of most of it.

1:27:49But at the same time, you don't have to let go of everything

1:27:52to live an amazing life or be authentic.

1:27:57It's like I always say, do I still get

1:27:59triggered at times, yes or no?

1:28:02- Never. - Never. Of course.

1:28:05Of course I still get triggered at times.

1:28:08Of course I still get stressed or angry at times,

1:28:10but now it's the exception as opposed to

1:28:13before, peace was the exception,

1:28:14confidence was the exception, now it's the majority.

1:28:18Shift it to that. And then here's the other thing too,

1:28:23how much, what is your life outside

1:28:27of personal development, outside of this work, outside

1:28:32of letting go, outside of the introspection?

1:28:36And if you have none, that's a trap too. Yeah.

1:28:41I've seen so many people, it's like all they do is

1:28:44they'll do the obligations to survive in the day

1:28:46and then in their free time, they're just like watching,

1:28:48studying, introspecting, letting go,

1:28:50meditation, this, this, this.

1:28:51I'm like, okay, well, what's your life outside of that?

1:28:53I have none. Well, then self-help became your life.

1:28:56Not good. Self-help is designed

1:28:59to enhance the quality of your life.

1:29:01And what's your life? The authentic expression of you,

1:29:03however you want to spend your time here alive

1:29:05before you die, but not become it.

1:29:09So two things to keep in mind.

1:29:12That being said, Noah, are you at the back? Yes.

1:29:16Can I have a bottle of water? Thank you, sir.

1:29:20Any questions before we go deeper? Yeah.

1:29:26- On the stage when you do the demonstrations, it seems that

1:29:31you advocate for powering

1:29:33through the wall we build for ourselves.

1:29:37Is it the approach or

1:29:39- Our - Steps are better than usual?

1:29:43- It's a good question. Do you have kids? No.

1:29:47So I would say imagine you had a kid

1:29:49and you're like, it's the monster in the closet example is

1:29:51my favorite one, meaning say you had a kid

1:29:54and your kid was convinced, "Dad, there's a monster in

1:29:57that closet." And you know the There's no monster.

1:30:01Are you going to tell your kid like, "You're right.

1:30:03No." Are you going to tell your kid like, "Don't be a pussy.

1:30:08Fucking open that closet, bitch." No.

1:30:11It's probably going to be a mix of the two.

1:30:13How would you coach your kid? Fuck it. Let's go.

1:30:16I'm your kid. Dad, there's a monster in the closet.

1:30:20- No, no. - Why are you scared of the open?

1:30:23- There's a monster. I saw it. I saw it, Papa. Can

1:30:26- You show me?

1:30:27- No. Don't make me go. Don't make me go. What

1:30:31- Could it do to you?

1:30:32- Kill me. - Kill you?

1:30:34- Kill me. - If I promise to save you.

1:30:38- No, no, no, no, no, no.

1:30:41- Can we take one step towards -

1:30:44- No, no, no, no, no.

1:30:45It's going to come me. It's going to kill

1:30:46me. It's going to kill me. It's going to kill me. Can

1:30:47- I go all over - There?

1:30:48No, no.

1:30:51- So let's kill me as well. - All of us. Don't say.

1:30:54Say, say, please, please say. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

1:30:56no, no, no, no, no, no, no,n please, please, please, please.

1:31:00Don't do it. Don't do it. No.

1:31:04Dad, dad, please, please, please. Please.

1:31:08No, it's in there. It's in there.

1:31:16- No, no, no, no, no, no. Dad, dad. No, no, no.

1:31:21- Why not? - That's how.

1:31:23By the way, I'm doing the chill

1:31:25version of what you're going to feel within.

1:31:29Which by the way, well, great job. Give him a hand.

1:31:31I'll break it down more. Now,

1:31:36so one is I love it.

1:31:38Meaning the goal is you have to open the closet,

1:31:43but there's a million and one ways you can. I'm

1:31:46- Sorry.

1:31:47Do I have to open it the first time I see you scared?

1:31:52- Not necessarily. So that's where it gets nuanced.

1:31:55And everyone's inner child is different.

1:31:58So as long as you remember, the goal is we must open it.

1:32:02We cannot not open it.

1:32:05Doesn't mean we have to open it right now.

1:32:07Yes, at times, I always tell my clients too, it's like

1:32:09on the inner, it's compassionate love,

1:32:13and sometimes you'll have to dip your toes in a

1:32:15bit and that's enough for today.

1:32:17That's enough. Too much can be way too intense,

1:32:20but never backtrack.

1:32:24Every day is a little bit more, a little bit more.

1:32:27Now, one thing I will say just with you

1:32:30is your approach was great, but it was very logical.

1:32:33So it might also be how you talk to your inner child,

1:32:34which is like, "Help me understand.

1:32:36Will it kill me too?" But realize

1:32:38that the response your inner child will have is emotional.

1:32:42My favorite approach is what I try

1:32:47to embody in the coaching on stage.

1:32:50Where, sounds super weird to say, but

1:32:53whenever I bring any of you up, there's times

1:32:55where you'll see me be intense on stage, times

1:32:58where you'll see me be very empathetic, times

1:33:01where you'll see me be funny, chill, the whole mix.

1:33:05That is how I parent my kids.

1:33:08The intention is always like, how would I do it to my kid?

1:33:10I'd be the same like, "Hey, it's okay.

1:33:12Let's do one step, one step." No, no,

1:33:14it's like maybe I'll throw in a joke, tension, another step.

1:33:17It's like this whole at times harsh,

1:33:21at times chill, but supportive, grounded,

1:33:27and gently leading.

1:33:31So it's that. And that's what I hope,

1:33:34and it's really hard to put into words,

1:33:36but I hope you differentiate from me, say, like I said

1:33:39before, you'll see the more intense coaches who are like,

1:33:44"Do it." And you're like,

1:33:45"That's too intense." But then you also see the extreme

1:33:48spiritual, which take your time, whatever you're like,

1:33:52"Can't they just have a baby?

1:33:54I try to be that baby. You should all try to be

1:33:56that baby." It's like, what if you took the best of both

1:33:59where it's like still from boundaries, but in a gentle way?

1:34:03Funny enough, it's the real definition of gentle parenting.

1:34:06Gentle parenting isn't having no boundaries.

1:34:08It is having boundaries. Your boundary is

1:34:10we're opening that closet.

1:34:12But the way you're going to open it

1:34:14and enforce that boundary is in the gentlest,

1:34:17most compassionate

1:34:18and empathetic way possible without

1:34:20compromising that boundary.

1:34:23Does that make sense? And then you also know yourselves

1:34:26better than anyone, but that's kind of the talk.

1:34:28So next time you feel your anxiety instead of, oh no,

1:34:31just be like, I got you.

1:34:35And then it also shifts your anxiety or self-sabotage

1:34:38or resistance from being this scary monster

1:34:41and then you're like, wow, you're actually just a hurt

1:34:44kid.That's who's holding you back.

1:34:45It's not a scary monster. It's not

1:34:46this thing you have to beat.

1:34:49It's a traumatized child.

1:34:53Just that takes so much of the power away.

1:34:56And then you're like, whoa.

1:34:57And when it activates, don't feel bad either.

1:35:00Because what if you had this traumatized child

1:35:02who just kept it to themselves?

1:35:04I can't tell you. I can't tell you papa.

1:35:07And suddenly you feel it, you're like, hey,

1:35:09you trust me enough to activate and talk to me.

1:35:11Thank you. I'm here for you. What do you need?

1:35:14What do you need? There's a monster boundary.

1:35:17We're going there. There's no monster.

1:35:19But were your feelings valid? It's okay you're scared.

1:35:23It's okay you're triggered. I got you. I'm with you.

1:35:26What do you need right now? That.

1:35:30And again, it's a bit different,

1:35:31but think of how I coach people on stage.

1:35:33How would you take that approach to that part of you? Yep.

1:35:40Yeah, that's the best explanation I got for you.

1:35:41- Thank you. - No, dude, it's a great question.

1:35:44And everyone has their own version of that,

1:35:45but literally just that

1:35:47and the same with celebrate when it gets triggered.

1:35:49Whenever you feel the thing, the same with general emotions,

1:35:52what is the emotion all of you, let's just say,

1:35:56do not want to feel at all.

1:35:57The worst one, scream it out. Anger. Anger.

1:36:02- Shame. - Okay.

1:36:05Whatever answer you shot out, whether it was anger, shame,

1:36:08fear, what if you change your response the

1:36:11next time it activates?

1:36:13- Yes. - I am so excited

1:36:18and you should all be for the next time you feel that.

1:36:22Your face says it all. Because here's the other thing.

1:36:26Let's take this model one step further, right?

1:36:29So here we did the general one, right?

1:36:32The traumatized inner child.

1:36:34But here's the thing with this idea of inner child.

1:36:35And by the way, also for context, old me,

1:36:38this is pre - 2014.

1:36:41I've been working on myself since 2006, coaching since 2010.

1:36:45So coaching for 16 years.

1:36:47The first four years, even a little bit more,

1:36:51you told me meditation, you told me inner child,

1:36:56I would have laughed in your face

1:36:57because I always thought it was an escape for people

1:36:59who were too scared to take action.

1:37:02Then again, what was the definition of meditation back then?

1:37:05It was escapism. It was like focus on the now,

1:37:09which is great.

1:37:10It's a great first step,

1:37:12but focusing on your problems is a lot better.

1:37:15Meditation that focuses on that split, that focuses on the

1:37:20inner trauma and releasing, game changer.

1:37:23The same with this idea of inner child.

1:37:24I'm like, inner child?

1:37:26But if you take this model with this idea of inner child,

1:37:30we were able to break down these extremely

1:37:33complex and advanced ideas.

1:37:35But to take it further, you don't just have one.

1:37:39What if, right?

1:37:41So we said there's a traumatized child

1:37:47who created this split, but what if, so again, bear

1:37:51with me here as a thought experiment.

1:37:54What if these parts of you were also your children?

1:37:58What if you are a house? What if

1:38:01those emotions you don't want to feel like anger, fear,

1:38:05shame, those are children within.

1:38:08Like

1:38:09- Inside Out?

1:38:10- Like Inside Out. Yes. Who said that? You? Yes.

1:38:13Yes, yes, yes. That is, by the way, if you haven't seen it,

1:38:16Inside Out One, but specifically Inside Out two,

1:38:20watch it in English.

1:38:23No, that is probably one of my top three

1:38:27or five favorite movies of all time.

1:38:29It's a kid movie, but it is the best.

1:38:33And it's what I tried to do here on stage too with the baby.

1:38:35It's a simplified, but simplified is not bad.

1:38:38It's so much better. Representation of shadow work

1:38:41and you see core beliefs and belief trees and disowning

1:38:45and it's like watch that movie.

1:38:50So just like Inside Out, I will go deeper on this,

1:38:53but while your hand is up,

1:38:55I don't want you to hurt your hand. Yes.

1:38:56- Listen, I get what you're saying.

1:38:59You should feeling bad, feeling you shouldn't disown

1:39:03- It. Yes.

1:39:04- But when you're going through hard times

1:39:07and first stage you have the support

1:39:10and then the support goes away, how do you first

1:39:15handle it or not falling in a hole?

1:39:19- Yeah. Well, one is

1:39:23although external support helps,

1:39:26at a core, you don't need it.

1:39:30- Of course, but how do you not fall in a hole?

1:39:35- Why would you fall in a hole if you don't need it? Would

1:39:36- You embrace it? You

1:39:38- Have to embrace it.

1:39:40- But it's so hard.

1:39:43- Yes. So I agree. And for all of you, it is hard.

1:39:47It's painful. It sucks.

1:39:49Don't try to make it not hard, not painful, not sucky.

1:39:53It is. You will go into a hole. That's true.

1:39:59But the way it wins is

1:40:01by convincing you it's stronger than you.

1:40:05That's the way, and kind of what I tried to embody,

1:40:08say with the example with you, right?

1:40:09So no time like over the top like, "No, no, no, no, no, no,

1:40:12no, no." And I'm sure part of you is like,

1:40:14"Whoa, what the fuck?" Yeah. It was like a lot.

1:40:16- Huge part of me. Yeah.

1:40:19- But that's how it keeps controlling us.

1:40:23And that's the bluff is that

1:40:25it's too strong for us to handle.

1:40:28The pain that say you're feeling like that hole or even,

1:40:32because here's where it's not just feeling,

1:40:34but it'll hijack your mind what you're thinking.

1:40:37I call this your inner worm tongue,

1:40:39like Lord of the Rings, right?

1:40:41Worm tongue whispering in.

1:40:43And I'll break this down in a second.

1:40:45There's different themes. So you could go from

1:40:46grief, fear, anger.

1:40:49It'll start whispering in your ear

1:40:50and it's going to say, Hey, what's your name?

1:40:52Robin. Robin. Like Robin, you've been

1:40:55through hard times, right?

1:40:56Yes. That must really suck, man.

1:40:59I'm sorry to hear how it all fell apart.

1:41:04How does it make you feel? And look,

1:41:06no one's even here supporting you now.

1:41:08It's just you with yourself.

1:41:09I wonder why they're not supporting you. What do you think?

1:41:13Maybe they never cared. Maybe it's just you with yourself.

1:41:18Do you feel the pull? Yeah.

1:41:22How does it win? I'm stronger than you.

1:41:25- Yeah.

1:41:26- How do you regain your power?

1:41:28Doesn't mean that what it's feeling once more is not valid,

1:41:31but it's reminding yourself, I'm the parent.

1:41:35Any of you parents? Raise your hand. Okay.

1:41:37You all experience tantrums? Are they fun?

1:41:42Are they chill? No, it's super intense.

1:41:46You're having ultimately view it as like an inner tantrum.

1:41:49What is the best approach as a parent?

1:41:51Like you said you ha kids, but if I'm

1:41:52like, what's the best approach?

1:41:55Is it to be like, shut up? It's, come here.

1:42:00I'm here with you. Take as long as you need. I got you.

1:42:04Now it doesn't mean the kid's going to be like,

1:42:06hell and hug you.

1:42:08The kid might run up and be like,

1:42:10hit you or like, no, no, no.

1:42:12But you have to be like, I got you. I got you. I got you.

1:42:18That's the approach to that worm tone.

1:42:21It's also having boundaries though.

1:42:22If it's talking you down and be like, enough. I got you.

1:42:26I got you. Same here. It's like, dad, I'm scared.

1:42:28No, no, no, no. And you're like, I got you. I got you.

1:42:31And walk closer. And maybe I'll be like, no, no, no.

1:42:34And you're like, I got you.

1:42:37And it's also the intention is take as long as you need.

1:42:40What if the kid's like crying and you hug the kid

1:42:42and you're like, it's been a minute.

1:42:44Are you done yet? Oh boy. So that also links to letting go.

1:42:50But the big one is it'll hijack your focus, your RIS.

1:42:55It'll convince you it's stronger than you

1:42:58and you never need anyone else.

1:43:00You're stronger, but also don't be afraid

1:43:02of reaching out and asking for help.

1:43:04And when you reach out and ask for help, look for people

1:43:06who will take the charge out of it,

1:43:08not feed it because there will be both.

1:43:11Audit in your lives when you talk about your problems,

1:43:14there will be some people where you're like, hey,

1:43:16this thing happened.

1:43:17And they're like, tell me more. Oh, that happened?

1:43:21Well, did you consider this could happen too?

1:43:24And that could happen. It'd be so much worse.

1:43:27And they just get turned on by your misery. No, no, no.

1:43:31Find those who are like, it's not that bad.

1:43:33Not devalidating, but just can throw the joke in, fuck

1:43:37around or just bring some good vibes like, hey,

1:43:40it sucks you're going through this, but it's not all bad.

1:43:42Can you remember what this is like too? Find those people.

1:43:47And then the last one, which is cheesy,

1:43:50but I love reminding myself of this,

1:43:52is that nothing is permanent.

1:43:54You feel bad?

1:43:59I'm good. Thank you. Oh, Duncan.

1:44:05It doesn't matter. If you feel bad right now,

1:44:08it's not going to be permanent.

1:44:09No different than if you're great right

1:44:11now, it's not going to be permanent.

1:44:12Like for all of you, who here is in a

1:44:14really good spot in life?

1:44:15Raise your hand right now. Okay, great.

1:44:17That's not going to be permanent. You're

1:44:19about to go into bad times.

1:44:22Who here is in a bad spot in life? Raise your hand.

1:44:24That's not going to be permanent either.

1:44:26You're going to be in a great time. That's the roller

1:44:29coaster of life up down.

1:44:32Unless we die sooner, we're all going to go

1:44:34through terrible times and amazing times.

1:44:38Do you realize that? You're going to lose friends.

1:44:41They're going to die. You're going to go to their funerals.

1:44:44You're going to lose family members.

1:44:46It's going to be fucked unless you die sooner.

1:44:49That is literally what growing old means.

1:44:52It means you're going to watch people you love die.

1:44:55You're going to go through traumatic times.

1:44:57Are you equipped? Right? Great.

1:45:00Some are, some aren't, but hey, that's coming.

1:45:03But nothing's permanent. Everything changes. Same here.

1:45:07It's like there is a version of you. Well, here's the thing.

1:45:09Everything changes as long as you embrace it.

1:45:13Whatever you resist - Persists. Persists.

1:45:17So if you embrace your pain, that's the bluff.

1:45:19It's like, it's going to stay. No, no, no.

1:45:22Resisting it is how it stays

1:45:24and how it turns into a greater enemy.

1:45:26Embracing it, feeling it is the way out.

1:45:30But back to what I was saying before, right?

1:45:33So with this idea of inner child,

1:45:36what if there's many inner children?

1:45:38Well, let's take all your emotions.

1:45:41Do you love them all equally? No.

1:45:44Ooh, that's pretty toxic. Happiness?

1:45:51Favorite kid? Excitement? Oh yeah.

1:45:57Sadness? Anger.

1:46:03Anxiety. Right?

1:46:07Now, with this, again, thought experiment,

1:46:12if every emotion was a child

1:46:15and you are a house, based on your answers here,

1:46:18and it's not just you, it's everyone, it does make sense

1:46:22that you're like, "Well, why don't I feel super

1:46:24fulfilled and whole?

1:46:26Why is my family not happy?" Well,

1:46:29because you're abusing half your kids.

1:46:32And then how do we act when we meet others?

1:46:36It's like that scene in a movie, right? Like here's anxiety.

1:46:38It's like, shut up loser. Oh, anger, fear.

1:46:42Sadness, shut up.

1:46:44They're all tied up under a Harry Potter under the

1:46:47stairs closet room.

1:46:49And then the neighbors are coming over.

1:46:50It's like, everyone, put on your happy face.

1:46:54Hey guys, we're so happy.

1:46:58Smile. We're so happy. Everything's great.

1:47:04That's how most of us live. But back to what we said

1:47:07before, what if now you understand this

1:47:09and you're like, oh my God, I've been so cruel

1:47:11to these different parts of me.

1:47:13You know what? Anger, every time you came up

1:47:18to me, I put you in the Harry Potter closet,

1:47:21but I went to this jeweling event

1:47:23and now I'm ready to embrace you.

1:47:27Come sit on daddy's lap.

1:47:29Is it going to happily run up and be like, thanks daddy?

1:47:32Yes or no? No. It's probably going to be pissed.

1:47:36It's probably also not going to trust me.

1:47:38It'll take a step or two. It's a trap and hide. Come on.

1:47:44And eventually, once it gets past the trap, which for any

1:47:47of you practicing letting go, I don't feel anything.

1:47:51It's not working. Maybe it is.

1:47:53It just takes some time for those parts

1:47:55to trust you to come up.

1:47:57But then what happens when it comes on my lap?

1:47:59Is it going to be peaceful or is it going to be like,

1:48:01how dare you get it off?

1:48:06It's going to fucking vent out all the years

1:48:10that I've stuffed it in the Harry Potter closet.

1:48:12It's going to be pissed. It's going

1:48:14to scream out all the things that I didn't listen

1:48:17to for all those years.

1:48:19That's what you must go through. And that's

1:48:24where we're like, let's do this letting go.

1:48:26I embrace you. Back in the closet, back in the closet.

1:48:29Okay, then you're right back to where you were.

1:48:32And that's what I'm saying. You got to feel

1:48:33your way through.

1:48:34It's take it, surrender as long as it takes.

1:48:39If this aspect wants to lash out at me

1:48:41and vent out for the rest of my life, I'm here for you.

1:48:47Once you enter that and not, are you done yet?

1:48:50Are you done yet? But take as long as you need,

1:48:53that's when the charge starts fading away.

1:48:57Otherwise, it'll run you forever.

1:49:02I wish it didn't, but that's the way.

1:49:04That is also part of the price to pay.

1:49:08But then you're aligned. And anger is awesome.

1:49:10Sadness is awesome. Fear is awesome.

1:49:13You don't want to disown your emotional guidance system.

1:49:16If you got rid of anger,

1:49:18how do you know a boundary's been crossed?

1:49:19But then there's real anger and triggered anger.

1:49:25Get rid of the trigger, keep the real.

1:49:29How, feel, feel, feel, feel, feel.

1:49:31The exercise I would suggest you all do,

1:49:33however, is a cold shower.

1:49:38You guys like that? Cold shower.

1:49:39Anyone done a cold shower before? Nice. Do it every day.

1:49:44Now, yeah, for everybody like,

1:49:46- Oh my gosh.

1:49:47- Yes, but not the traditional

1:49:51self-help cold shower.

1:49:53So here are my letting go rules for cold shower.

1:49:58Number one, it doesn't matter how long the cold is.

1:50:01It could be five seconds. It could be 10 seconds of cold.

1:50:04It doesn't have to be super long.

1:50:06Number two, do not resist or fight the cold.

1:50:11Meaning, unfortunately, a lot of people see this

1:50:14where they'll see like, oh, this

1:50:15cold shower thing's really cool.

1:50:16So they go on, they turn on their shower, they go

1:50:18as cold as possible.

1:50:20And what do they do before going into the cold?

1:50:22They hype themselves up. Come on, let's go, let's go.

1:50:29They fight it. They toughen up and they come out

1:50:32and they're like, I did it.

1:50:34Do not do that.

1:50:37Go into the cold

1:50:38and your only goal is not how long you last.

1:50:41Your only goal is, can you relax in it?

1:50:45Meaning you go in, you're going

1:50:46to sense every part of your body.

1:50:49The water's going to hit your body

1:50:50and the reflexes tense up.

1:50:53Your job is relax.

1:50:57And you'll probably sense a back

1:50:58and forth like, oh, it's so cold.

1:51:00Oh, it's a cold. Okay, relax. Oh, no, no, no.

1:51:02Like a back and forth. Once you're able to relax

1:51:07and then turn it hot.

1:51:09Like I said, it doesn't have to be long,

1:51:10but if you add that every single day, it's one

1:51:14of the most powerful external exercises.

1:51:15Why? Because it shows you that reflex to tense up

1:51:19and resist.

1:51:21The same reflex

1:51:22that will activate when you are embodying things you

1:51:26disowned, whether it's an aspect, whether it's emotion,

1:51:30whether it's, again, leaning into your triggers, the reflex,

1:51:33just like the cold is, no, no, no, stuff it down.

1:51:38But what if you embrace and relax into it?

1:51:40What if triggers,

1:51:47if I can find it,

1:51:52are emotional cold showers?

1:51:58You don't like getting triggered? Scream as loud as you can.

1:52:00Ready? Do y'all feel it bubbling up? That's the cold.

1:52:05And you can choose, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

1:52:07Tense it or relax, move towards,

1:52:11because let's go even deeper.

1:52:15What is awesome about getting triggered?

1:52:18Well, if you think of that split, right?

1:52:22So the acceptable you, the unacceptable you,

1:52:25all the different aspects you disowned.

1:52:27These aspects you get rid of

1:52:29because a younger traumatized version of you though,

1:52:33they threatened my survival.

1:52:35Where do they go? Do they disappear?

1:52:37If say anger threatens your

1:52:39survival, can you get rid of anger?

1:52:42It's you. So where do they go?

1:52:44As far out of your awareness as possible.

1:52:47Now here is a, again, very gross,

1:52:50simplified illustration.

1:52:54If you think of your awareness

1:52:56or your mind, you could argue that here is your

1:52:59conscious mind, what you are aware of now.

1:53:03Here is your subconscious mind.

1:53:07You could say this might be 10% exactly,

1:53:12and this is 90% exactly.

1:53:14Simplification. Where does it all go?

1:53:20The depths, the far depths of your subconscious.

1:53:24This is where all those things that threatened you, parts

1:53:27of you, aspects, emotions, experiences, beliefs go.

1:53:33And you don't just stuff them down there, you put them

1:53:35behind layers and layers and layers of resistance.

1:53:42So, hey, what did you disown, everyone?

1:53:47What are you stuffing down? You have no idea.

1:53:50There might be a couple things you know, but not all.

1:53:55That's why I said before, there's what you know.

1:53:58There's what you know you don't know.

1:54:00There's what you don't know you don't know, that

1:54:03when you are triggered, it's when something that's down here

1:54:08shoots up closer into your awareness,

1:54:11past certain layers of resistance.

1:54:13And the more it shoots up, the more the panic

1:54:17and the stuff it down, stuff it down, stuff it activates.

1:54:21Just like the cold shower, do not stuff it

1:54:24down or you're back to where you started.

1:54:26Open up, relax and feel.

1:54:29And I love triggers

1:54:30because it's much easier to catch something up here

1:54:33than have to dig through and catch it down there.

1:54:37And a formula that I teach my clients is action,

1:54:45trigger,

1:54:50release, repeat.

1:54:57Action, trigger, release.

1:55:00So same as the cold shower, but to go deeper

1:55:04because then there's reservoirs of things we disowned.

1:55:07I personally do it through specific guided meditations

1:55:10and letting go and then repeat.

1:55:12What is that? It keeps poking at things you disowned

1:55:15and slowly dissolving the split, dissolving the split.

1:55:18And the bigger this split,

1:55:21the lower your level of self-esteem.

1:55:24That is how you actually

1:55:28"boost your confidence." It's not by throwing more money,

1:55:31more success, et cetera.

1:55:34It's dissolving the split where you can be more that is you.

1:55:38And everyone's upbringing is unique.

1:55:40Everyone's perspective as a child is unique.

1:55:43The things you label as unacceptable is unique

1:55:47and no one can tell you what is down there,

1:55:50but everyone does have a split.

1:55:52Dissolve, dissolve, dissolve, and it's a lifelong journey.

1:55:55So you dare self-attack

1:55:57or withhold self-love until you've dissolved it completely,

1:56:00but that is the direct correlation to core confidence.

1:56:04Not confidence that relies on anything external,

1:56:08which is also unfortunately

1:56:09what most people do is they ride the

1:56:11elevator of confidence, right?

1:56:12It's like I'm down here and if I have the

1:56:14looks, I go to floor number 10.

1:56:17Oh, someone pressed the low value. I got rejected.

1:56:20I go down here and they go up and down and up and down.

1:56:22Screw that. Another model is most

1:56:27people assume they're down here.

1:56:29I'm not confident. Where do you want to be? Up here.

1:56:33What's the most toxic way to feel confident?

1:56:35And I assume none of you do this, I hope, is

1:56:39what if I bring people down below me?

1:56:43Yeah. And you'll see, even on social media, tons of advice

1:56:48for this, where suddenly in contrast, I'm above them.

1:56:52So it's things like, how can I give some

1:56:54backhanded compliments?

1:56:55How can I say some things to make people doubt themselves?

1:56:59Is that what you decided to wear?

1:57:02Now he's in his head and in comparison, I'm confident.

1:57:07Toxic, toxic. Love what you're wearing.

1:57:11Do not do this. Now,

1:57:14if you don't do this, what's the alternative?

1:57:16Well, I better bring myself up, right?

1:57:18I better try to be confident. And that is the endless chase.

1:57:23I want to be up here.

1:57:25So you try to improve yourself, success, books,

1:57:29YouTube videos, courses, coaching, et cetera, trying

1:57:33to prove your worth, trying

1:57:34to justify your existence, but it never works.

1:57:37Why? Because only someone

1:57:39who is not confident is trying to be confident.

1:57:43You can't be confident and try

1:57:44to be confident at the same time.

1:57:46It's endless. So instead it's, remember,

1:57:50let's rewind it back to the beginning of the speech.

1:57:53Remember I said, screw what now? Instead, ask yourself why.

1:57:58Do you remember this? Okay. I'm not confident.

1:58:03I want to be confident. What is this? What now?

1:58:08Why? Why am I starting down here?

1:58:14We never zoom out and see the macro.

1:58:17What if I'm not down here?

1:58:20What has convinced me that I'm down here?

1:58:25And that is letting go. It's what if I'm already up here?

1:58:30What are all the lies, all the conditioning,

1:58:33the past trauma, the experiences, the core beliefs,

1:58:36the rejection, all the things

1:58:38that are telling me unconsciously, I am down here.

1:58:44Identify that. Let go, let go, let go.

1:58:48You're up here and you realize you were always up there.

1:58:53Does that make sense? Yes. Okay.

1:58:57And it's okay if it takes time

1:58:58for this to click, by the way.

1:59:00This took me years to get

1:59:03and even more years to even explain in such a way.

1:59:06And as of now, this is the most relatable

1:59:09way I can explain it.

1:59:10Maybe five years from now, I'll find

1:59:11a better way to explain it.

1:59:13But as long as you get this

1:59:14and you filter all the rest of the content

1:59:17through this, your life will change.

1:59:21But if you don't

1:59:22and you do the what now, like I said,

1:59:24it's counting until infinity.

1:59:28Do y'all want to count till infinity?

1:59:29You think we can make it? Should we do it now?.

1:59:37Please

1:59:37- Clarify what you just shared on the point.

1:59:42- Yes. What part about it?

1:59:46- I don't know.

1:59:53The

1:59:53- Most important part. Ooh.

1:59:55- And then I just heard, and this is the

1:59:57best part of it all.

2:00:03- I'll explain again. No, no worries at all.

2:00:06Especially perfectionist, right?

2:00:07So the gist of it is

2:00:10how confident do you feel right now on a scale of one to 10?

2:00:13- You ask me?. - Four. Four. Okay.

2:00:19So you're four out of 10, you want to go to 10 out of 10.

2:00:21What is your plan to go to 10 out of 10?

2:00:24- To become more vulnerable, open,

2:00:27- Authentic.

2:00:28Okay. Fuck all that. Why?

2:00:33So that's what now, right? And here's where it gets settled.

2:00:36Even letting go can become a requirement.

2:00:43Why do you believe you're four out of 10

2:00:45and not 10 out of 10 right now?

2:00:48- Because I have fake confidence.

2:00:50- Explain. And that makes you four out of 10?

2:00:54- Yeah, because I can perform in confidence,

2:00:58but inside myself I feel anxious.

2:01:03- Why? - Because I feel not good enough.

2:01:06- Why? - Because I feel

2:01:12like I'm a fraud.

2:01:14- Why? You're saying the same thing using different words,

2:01:17which is also a great example.

2:01:19Trail of whys, remember I said why, why, go to the folders,

2:01:22not the files, is you can get stuck at the same level,

2:01:26just using different words.

2:01:29Low self-worth, not confident myself. Fraud. Okay.

2:01:33All those are different words to describe the same thing.

2:01:36Why? How do you know?

2:01:41- I check on validation

2:01:45and I get into my head and I analyze what I said.

2:01:48- Why?

2:01:53- Because I'm unsecure.

2:01:55Insecure. Why?

2:01:59- It's great, you're trying it.

2:02:00And that's where you can see the resistance surface,

2:02:02which is most likely the same resistance the guy

2:02:04you just zone out of the part.

2:02:05It's like, don't listen to this part. Let's say the same.

2:02:08- Because I feel unsafe. Why?

2:02:20Why am I feeling not confident?

2:02:23Because I feel like I'm freezing.

2:02:27- Okay. So one, give her a hand everybody.

2:02:37So for you it's if there's a certain belief,

2:02:42there's a reason for it.

2:02:44This is also classic personal development.

2:02:46I think Tony Robbins talks about it where it's the table

2:02:49and the legs of the table.

2:02:51So here's a table

2:02:57with four legs.

2:02:59The top could be, I'm not good enough. And what do we do?

2:03:04We try to bash the table. I am good enough.

2:03:08I am good enough. What now?

2:03:11So you it's, I'm not worthy. I'm not enough.

2:03:16I'm this, this, this is this. What I'm asking you is why.

2:03:19The why is what are the legs keeping this alive?

2:03:24What are the experiences? What are the core beliefs?

2:03:29What is holding this up?

2:03:32Identify the legs, let go, let go, let go,

2:03:36let go, gone.

2:03:40Oh yeah, I know. And to link to your point,

2:03:44the whole idea is stop trying to,

2:03:51if I find it, I'll redraw it, is that most people go from

2:03:56I'm not enough to I want to be enough.

2:04:00But if you do that, you'll forever

2:04:01reinforce, I'm not enough.

2:04:03I'm not enough so I got to do this.

2:04:05I'm not enough so I'm going to the julian event.

2:04:07Well, now what is the julian event doing?

2:04:09It's reinforcing you're not enough

2:04:11because it's coming from that foundation.

2:04:13And that's where anything can help you or hurt you.

2:04:18Anything. I've seen people get stuck into personal

2:04:22development and all it does is it just keeps reinforcing

2:04:25they're broken, they're broken, they're broken.

2:04:33I mean, don't quote me, but I agree. Yeah.

2:04:39So the question for you is what if, just like I told her,

2:04:43who you think you are is not you.

2:04:45What if your worth is actually a fucking lie?

2:04:48What if you were gaslit?

2:04:49What if you're not down there,

2:04:50but there have been experiences in your life?

2:04:54What if you've always been up here? But there's been things

2:04:56that conditioned you and gaslit you

2:04:59and manipulated you, especially at a young age,

2:05:01a vulnerable age going

2:05:02through trauma that you are not enough.

2:05:05Well, who formed and here's the last question.

2:05:07Who formed that assumption?

2:05:10A younger, traumatized, immature child.

2:05:14Why are you letting a child run your life?

2:05:17Why have you never stopped

2:05:19and analyzed the map of the world that you are operating in?

2:05:25What if it's BS? And my advice to you

2:05:27or anyone who falls into this is watch the

2:05:29movie Brigsby Bear.

2:05:32Anyone see that movie? Good.

2:05:36Brigsby Bear.

2:05:41So you have two movies to watch,

2:05:43Inside Out two and Brigsby Bear.

2:05:45Okay?

2:05:51Brigsby Bear. And you can put the phone down, by the way.

2:05:55I know I see the whole time. It'll come out on YouTube.

2:05:57Don't worry, you'll watch it. Brigsby Bear,

2:06:01Brigsby Bear, Brigsby Bear.

2:06:03It's a weird title. You'll look it up.

2:06:06It'll look like a weird movie.

2:06:07The poster will be like a stuffed teddy bear

2:06:10and I'm going to spoil the first five minutes.

2:06:13Okay? So here's the plot line of Brigsby Bear.

2:06:16Number one, Mark Hamill is in it.

2:06:19If you like Star Wars, he's in the movie.

2:06:22And he and his wife, at the very start of the movie,

2:06:26kidnap a child, like a five-year-old kid.

2:06:29They snatch him and steal him from his parents

2:06:32and drag this child into their bunker.

2:06:35It's the very start. It's fucked up.

2:06:37And they raise this child in a bunker up

2:06:41until the child turns 29 years old

2:06:45and they gaslit this child.

2:06:47And they tell this child that.

2:06:49So they're living in this bunker in the desert

2:06:50and they tell the kid every human is dead.

2:06:55Humanity is wiped from the face of the earth.

2:06:58Everyone's dead, but there is a magical bear

2:07:03called Brigsby Bear who's flying around space

2:07:07and is going to save the day.

2:07:09And the dad, Mark Hamill,

2:07:10records like homemade videos holding the stuffed bear

2:07:13saying, "I'm Brigsby Bear and I'm flying

2:07:16and I'm saving." And he shows the kid this from a young age.

2:07:19So the kid from five years old

2:07:20to 29 years old every single day watches these videos

2:07:23of this stuffed bear and believes in Briggsby Bear.

2:07:26And that's the first five minutes.

2:07:27And then it cuts to police cars pulling up,

2:07:30arresting the parents.

2:07:32And now this kid who's 29 has to reenter society

2:07:35and it's like, "Wait, there's no bear?

2:07:37What? People are alive? What the fuck?"

2:07:40So it's like unplugging from the cult.

2:07:43Watch that movie. And the question for you is,

2:07:46what is your version of Brigsby Bear?

2:07:49What if you grew up in a cult where just like this kid,

2:07:52there's a little stuffed bear, it's you're not enough,

2:07:57you're not worthy, and you believed it.

2:08:01And what does, and that's why I keep saying changing isn't

2:08:04just like, I am enough.

2:08:06Just like in that movie, it's also like, well then

2:08:08how do I reintegrate into society being enough?

2:08:14I know how to live here and be not enough.

2:08:17I don't know how to be here being enough.

2:08:19So it's a cute movie, it's a fucked up movie,

2:08:21it's an emotional movie, but what is my version of this?

2:08:25It just really gets you thinking.

2:08:26And then it also gets you thinking on this idea of like,

2:08:28what if you were all raised in a cult?

2:08:31And I believe you all were. On a macro level, it's all

2:08:35of us were raised in the cult of not being good enough.

2:08:38Anyone who are not raised in that, bullshit.

2:08:41You're born and everyone's like, "We're not enough."

2:08:44Maybe like you said what, you didn't like anger?

2:08:47So you were raised in the cult of no anger.

2:08:51Anyone not like being sad?

2:08:52You were raised in the cult of not being sad.

2:08:54Can't be sad in this cult.

2:08:56Well, hey, deprogramming from the cult isn't that easy.

2:09:01It's going to challenge, you're going

2:09:02to lose part of your identity.

2:09:03And that's also this work. It's the destruction phase.

2:09:06Who you think you are, you have to say bye to that version.

2:09:08So let's just say this is you and you want to be this.

2:09:13You're not going to gradually grow into this.

2:09:18The same with your comfort zone.

2:09:20You want to go from this to this, you have to destroy it,

2:09:27meaning you can't take this version of you with you.

2:09:32And this version of you helped you survive

2:09:36and get through hard times.

2:09:38And that's where you have to reflect on the saying,

2:09:40"What got you here won't get you there."

2:09:45So this version got you through trauma.

2:09:48This version got you through the worst times of your life.

2:09:52And hey, you're safe, but there's a limit.

2:09:57You want to go beyond it, you can't take it with you.

2:09:59And then it can feel really weird

2:10:01because then you're like, "Well, it feels like

2:10:02I'm betraying a part of me.

2:10:03I can't let this version go. I want it to take this with me

2:10:06to success." You can't.

2:10:08And it doesn't mean, as we said, it's not black and white.

2:10:11It's always in the middle. It's not turn this version into

2:10:14the enemy, but it's what if I'm like, "Hey, thanks

2:10:16for taking me this far.

2:10:18Thank you, but I don't need you

2:10:19anymore." And you have to let go of it.

2:10:22The same with your comfort zone.

2:10:24You can't take this comfort zone with you.

2:10:26And that's where it's really sitting down

2:10:28and saying, "How serious am I about this?

2:10:32What's coming

2:10:32up?"

2:10:43- I feel like the cult thing really resonate.

2:10:46I did not grow up in a cult, but it felt like that.

2:10:50I grew up in Russia and then in Sweden

2:10:53and I always felt it was so closed down emotionally

2:10:58and I was taught not to cry at home

2:11:01and not to express my emotions and I'm super emotional

2:11:05and it came really hard for me to be myself.

2:11:11And

2:11:16I felt I was too sensitive

2:11:18and I didn't know how to get love other than

2:11:23by academia or studying or doing good for my parents

2:11:28and being quiet and not be too much.

2:11:30So it's like this sense of this is who I need to be

2:11:34and it's so fucking weird.

2:11:37- It's not weird. - And it's so tiring.

2:11:42- Well, be emotional. Challenge the cult.

2:11:46It explains your pattern.

2:11:47Yo said though perfectionist, that's how you survived.

2:11:52That was, again, the "cult" is academia,

2:11:57perfection, get the grades, step it up, no emotion.

2:12:01And you could argue that on one level, hey, it pushes her

2:12:05to succeed in certain areas,

2:12:07but at what cost, what part

2:12:08of you did you have to leave behind?

2:12:10And your work now is go back for that part of you.

2:12:13So emotion it up.

2:12:15Be the most sensitive, emotional person

2:12:18and fuck what anyone thinks.

2:12:21Re-own that part of you. That's how you escape the cult,

2:12:24how you grow out of the cult.

2:12:27And I'm so happy you're doing it now.

2:12:29More of this, this, this, this, and it's not pleasant.

2:12:32This is your cold shower. You can stuff it back down

2:12:34and go back to the perfection

2:12:38or fall apart.

2:12:42Massive respect. Yeah. Give her a hand everyone. Yes.

2:12:50Yeah. And

2:12:55like I said, I'm smiling seeing this,

2:12:57but I also, I feel you.

2:12:58It sucks. It's not pleasant, but I'm so happy seeing this

2:13:02because this is your path there.

2:13:04Like for all of you, and again, you could cut this out

2:13:07of context, but falling apart is the way.

2:13:11Stop trying to keep yourself together.

2:13:12Now again, everyone's like fall apart.

2:13:14I'm like, well, not really.

2:13:16I'm saying who you think you are, your ego,

2:13:18whatever you're like, got to be like this or else.

2:13:24What's the or else? Find the or else.

2:13:29And we think it'll destroy us and that is the bluff.

2:13:32And that's the idea of letting go,