Full transcript
0:00Martina and I just got back from India
0:03yeah so let me tell you I started
0:07posting on Facebook and Twitter that we
0:09were gonna go out there to do these
0:10shows and then people started sending me
0:12messages questioning what I was gonna do
0:14first of all are they gonna understand
0:17you in India will they understand
0:19English okay will they be able to follow
0:21along with your stories once we got
0:24there I come to find out that more
0:26people speak English in India than in
0:29all of the u.s. and Canada put together
0:32might as well throw Mexico in there for
0:34extra credit because there's that many
0:38people and yes they have the internet
0:40they got the Internet they got Bollywood
0:42they got Hollywood they understand
0:43American culture so much more than we
0:46understand theirs second thing people
0:49tried to warn me about going over there
0:51Gabriel be careful India is a
0:54third-world country don't drink the
0:56water in India
0:57it contains parasites that'll make you
0:59really sick don't eat the food from the
1:02street people especially the street meat
1:04it contains a parasite that'll make you
1:06really sick and most importantly there's
1:09a lot of crime over there don't stay out
1:11late when the Sun Goes Down
1:16I'm like is it that bad
1:21so I'm like let me get this straight
1:22there's a lot of crime don't stay out
1:24late don't eat any of the food from the
1:26street vendors and don't drink the water
1:29why does that sound familiar that's
1:36Mexico
1:46when Martina and I got over there we
1:49found out that Indian people and Mexican
1:52people have so much in common you guys
1:54I'm telling you it's insane how similar
1:57we are especially the food the food is
2:00so similar for example Mexicans love
2:03tortillas Indian people love naan bread
2:06which is a fluffier form of a tortilla
2:09Mexicans love chicken Indians love
2:12chicken Mexicans love hot and spicy
2:14Indians invented hot and spicy most
2:17popular drink in Mexico is Fanta most
2:20popular drink in India is Fanta Indian
2:24people worship cows Mexicans love
2:26barbecues a lot of similarities most of
2:32the people that I met over there were
2:34very hard-working and humble and I got
2:37to tell you every time I talk to someone
2:38I was always greeted the same way they
2:40look at me they put their hands together
2:42they do a little bow and they say
2:44namaste which is an endearing hello it's
2:49really nice and sweet and then I noticed
2:51that Indian people when you're talking
2:53to them do this thing with their head or
2:55it will begin to move side to side as
2:59they're speaking now first when you
3:01notice that you think oh he slept wrong
3:03he just got a kink in his neck get a
3:06tempur-pedic
3:06[Music]
3:08now when they they start speaking their
3:10head starts moving and I noticed this
3:12the guy is checking us into the hotel
3:13and he's really cool he's like listen if
3:16you have any problems at all okay you
3:17call the front is to press zero we will
3:19send somebody to your room to help you
3:21by ever you need you we got it for you
3:23right here okay very good
3:24now one thing I notice is the more they
3:26talked and the more excited Indian
3:29people get the more the head starts to
3:31move around somebody at the hotel yelled
3:34out to the clerk that's fluffy and the
3:36guy was like oh my god I don't believe
3:37it I can do it I thought it was so crazy
3:41I work on fluffy love you love it even
3:45crazier than that is that the mouth is
3:47actually connected to the neck when the
3:51mouth stops moving the head stops
3:53wherever the mouth left off and when you
3:55see Indian people talking to each other
3:57you can see it okay let me tell you son
3:59okay put it okay hold up wait wait wait
4:01wait wait wait okay
4:02like if you're Indian and you stutter
4:04you are so screwed
4:07i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i
4:10somebody stop it
4:16I'm not gonna lie you guys when I first
4:19saw this happen I thought it was
4:21hysterical I thought it was funny but
4:25then I started thinking about it head
4:27movement is just a form of expression no
4:30matter where you live in this world
4:32people express themselves in their own
4:34unique way whether through facial
4:37expressions hand gestures body movement
4:40extra words everywhere you go things are
4:44different and that's just how they
4:45express themselves in India now back to
4:48the whole Indians Mexican thing that is
4:50something else that we share in common
4:52with Indian people head movement now
4:55some of you in the building tonight are
4:56like stupid
4:58we don't have head movement yes we do
5:00it's a little different see with Indian
5:03people the head movement is side to side
5:06Mexicans are head movement is front to
5:09back the difference between that is that
5:14with Mexicans we have to be very very
5:16upset in order for you to see the head
5:19movement otherwise you can't tell with
5:21Indians it's all the time or today is
5:24such a nice day it is such a beautiful
5:27day today I am so happy it's very nice
5:29very good for my god I can't believe it
5:31so nice is that a Brit Mexicans when
5:33we're mad that's when it comes out for
5:36non-latinos it trust me you cut off a
5:38Mexican in traffic see what happens
5:40[Music]
5:53that's funny I don't know why the black
5:56people are laughing you guys take it all
5:57I don't know you did it oh hell no I
6:00know you're talking about me I made
6:11myself dizzy so let me tell you guys if
6:18you ever get the opportunity to travel
6:23to India I encourage you to check it out
6:27you are gonna see some beautiful things
6:29you are gonna see some amazing things
6:32you're gonna see some sad depressing
6:35things and some real horrible things
6:37overall it's a well-balanced trip but
6:42when you get back home here to the
6:44United States you will have a whole
6:46different appreciation for your life
6:49believe that I guarantee this you guys
6:54there's a lot of people in India and
6:56what a lot of people comes a lot of
6:58traffic
6:59first things first American traffic and
7:02Indian traffic very different here
7:05whatever happens on the freeway will
7:07stop the whole freeway in India there's
7:1010 times the traffic but it moves
7:14see the problem is Americans were
7:16fascinated by accidents we're fascinated
7:18by the idea of seeing potential death
7:20that's why we slow down on the freeways
7:23we say we don't want to see it but what
7:25happens in traffic there doesn't even
7:33have to be a collision you could be on
7:35the 101 freeway and a car has a tire
7:37blowout and it's spins doesn't hit
7:41anything it's now facing oncoming
7:43traffic you know what happens to the
7:45rest of the freeway even on the other
7:50freeway where there's no accident
7:58somebody might be dead sorry
8:01[Applause]
8:03in India if there's an accident in the
8:06middle of the street you know what they
8:08do they drive right around it they don't
8:11stop and it's not that they're not
8:12sensitive to the situation they are it's
8:15just that there's so much chaos that
8:17happens on a regular basis they just
8:19need to get to work they do see what's
8:21happening and believe me their heartfelt
8:23you know they'll drive around I'm so
8:25sorry for you nothing stops the flow of
8:31traffic in India they need to get from
8:33point A to point B and so they go they
8:37go if there's an accident they drive
8:38around if there's something blocking the
8:39street they get on the sidewalk to go
8:41around it's amazing the way they drive
8:44and here's something else no one uses
8:46turn signals over there no one uses turn
8:49signals they use a horn now if you go to
8:53India tomorrow from the time you get
8:54there to the time you leave you're
8:56constantly gonna hear a horn it's an
8:58actual language when people are driving
9:00I'll show you
9:01you're driving a car on your right
9:04current car on your left
9:06quicker light up ahead they talk to each
9:08other while they're driving and they
9:09barely miss each other every single time
9:13also you'll be on the 101 freeway here
9:15and there'll be six lanes in India
9:18you'll see six lanes but guess what
9:19you'll see twelve cars across
9:22yes they have lines but they're
9:24basically there to let you know more or
9:25less the direction you might want to go
9:27in they're this close to each other and
9:30even at the light that communicating you
9:34see everything cars trucks vans
9:36motorcycles pedestrians cows children
9:39all waiting for the light and they talk
9:44at the light with the horn current very
9:46good you can go you can go turn welcome
9:49you're welcome go go nothing stops the
9:53flow of traffic over there Indian people
9:55drive think of ants you know how ants
9:59travel in a straight line and if there's
10:01something in the way like a rock ants
10:03will split up go around the Rock and
10:06reunite or climb over the rock worst
10:08case scenario they dig a whole angle
10:10under the rock that's the mentality of
10:13driving in India a man can get shot in
10:16the middle of the street people just
10:20look at each other somebody pick him up
10:23and they'll drag his ass onto the
10:26sidewalk and if there's an accident and
10:28they need to get around guess what's
10:29gonna happen to that guy on the sidewalk
10:34nothing stops the flow of traffic in
10:37India except a cow now I know we've
10:42always heard the stories and the jokes
10:44about all Indian people don't eat
10:45hamburgers I asked the question and I
10:47found out it's believed that cows are
10:51people who have died and they've been
10:53reincarnated and their new life is now
10:55the cow which is why they don't eat them
10:58and why they give them all the love and
10:59respect in the world over there I saw
11:02this firsthand there's a cow crossing
11:04the street while we're driving and the
11:06cows know they're cocky they know that
11:08they can cross
11:19[Music]
11:23no one honks at the cows no one yells at
11:27the cows no one touches the cows they
11:29wait for the cows to finish crossing the
11:31cow that we had laid down the driver
11:36just shut off the car started tweeting
11:39there is a cow in the middle of the
11:44street hashtag Moo Moo
11:52I asked the driver what's going on
11:57Saturday there is a count I see that
12:01there's a cow are you gonna honk at it
12:03go around what's what's gonna happen we
12:05cannot we cannot honk at a cow we must
12:08wait for the cow to move you're caring I
12:11am not kidding we must wait for the cow
12:15we drove past a dead body 15 minutes ago
12:21that is probably him
12:33like seriously the driving situation
12:36over there is so intense you guys one
12:39morning one morning while we're there I
12:40needed to get to the airport fast
12:42because I overslept and so I get in the
12:44cab and I hand the driver a fifty dollar
12:47bill and I go sir I am running very late
12:49I need to get to the airport as soon as
12:52possible whatever side street you have
12:54to take or back road I'm all for it
12:56whatever you have to do let's do it and
12:58I handle the money and it goes very good
13:00let's go and we take off the guy is
13:04hitting anywhere from fifty to seventy
13:06miles an hour on the street we are
13:09making incredible time I notice that
13:15we're heading in the direction of a red
13:17light you ever been in a car with
13:20someone and you're paying attention to
13:23what's going on and you notice that
13:25you're about to hit a red light and you
13:27you know how you start to mentally and
13:29physically prepare yourself for the
13:32deceleration of the car and you start
13:34anticipating the pressure from the brake
13:37and if you don't get the sensation of
13:39slowing down by a certain point all
13:41alarms go off in your head and you sock
13:43the driver in the chest not only did I
13:49not get the sensation of slowing down I
13:51got the opposite he gunned it towards
13:54the light and it caught me off guard I
13:57couldn't even scream I was like and then
14:03I got air he didn't even know what he
14:10did he looks at me he goes what is wrong
14:14what do you mean what is wrong dude
14:17didn't you see the red light as calm as
14:20can be
14:21didn't you see there was no one there
14:27you told me whatever you have to do okay
14:30but ever you have to do oh you do do you
14:35want to yell or do you want to make
14:36plain he made a good point I sounded
14:40like a third-grader I want to make clean
14:43like seriously that's a video game I
14:45want to see I want to see Grand Theft
14:47Auto India it was so crazy you guys and
14:52this is just us being there I haven't
14:54even gotten to the part of us performing
14:56we were in Mumbai Bangalore and Delhi
15:00okay these three places is where we went
15:02to perform Mumbai and Bangalore the
15:04shows went over very very well okay
15:06there were about 1,500 to 2,000 people
15:08which is amazing for a few going over
15:09there I was like excited yes and then we
15:12get to Delhi and when we got to tell you
15:14guys it got a little crazy
15:16Martina walks out on stage and the crowd
15:19recognized him and they started chanting
15:24any time I hear that I'm like they know
15:27him it's gonna be a good show
15:29so my Athene starts cracking jokes the
15:32crowd starts laughing he's cracking more
15:34jokes the crowd keeps laughing all of a
15:37sudden I hear this mother theme doesn't
15:46say a word to them he gets off stage
15:48next comedian comes out and then mother
15:50theme comes over to me and he says bro I
15:52don't know what's going on man
15:54I don't know what's going on out there
15:55there's these three guys in the front
15:57row they're laughing like Klingons from
15:59Star Trek
16:00I'm not gonna address him I'm gonna save
16:03him for you I was like oh thank you so
16:08then my thing goes back out there on
16:10stage and he introduces me
16:12ladies and gentlemen gabrielle Iglesias
16:14and then I run out on stage and the
16:16crowd started chanting and I was like
16:20what's up Danny and I start cracking
16:25jokes start getting laughs start
16:27cracking more jokes start getting more
16:29laughs and then it happened now see me I
16:37can't avoid things especially when it's
16:40front-row Center
16:42so I addressed it I came right on I said
16:45well hello I said what do we have here I
16:49said so where are you guys from and the
16:51guy in the middle looks at me and he
16:53goes they are from Germany I said cool
16:56we have Germans in the house and the
16:59whole crowd got really weird you could
17:01hear them they freaked out because they
17:07thought I was gonna start making fun of
17:09the German people and one guy even stood
17:11up don't do it don't do it go on do it
17:15I go relax bro heaven's sake don't do it
17:18I'm not gonna make fun of the German
17:20people that's the last thing I want to
17:22do is offend them I don't want to end up
17:24outside in an alley somewhere freaking
17:26in two hours oh this is the last time
17:29they are going to tell you do not make
17:32fun of German people as I'm doing this
17:35joke about a German kicking me on the
17:38floor with the accent here's where it
17:41gets crazy I get hit in the side of the
17:45head by a bat
17:48listen to what I just told you barrier I
17:50get hit in the side of the head by a bat
17:52not Major League Baseball I'm talking
17:55about Ivana soccer black
17:59in India there are millions and millions
18:03and millions of fruit bats and one of
18:07them actually six of them made it inside
18:09of the building and they're flying
18:10around and they're hanging out in the
18:11rafters and one of them decides to fly
18:13down and basically when I was doing the
18:15kicks I stepped into the line of flight
18:18of the bat and he caught me right here
18:21and I look up and you see it and you can
18:23hear it the Indian people saw that and
18:29they freaked out they were yelling they
18:32did it they did it they told you don't
18:36do it they told you don't do it yeah
18:38even like dude I don't care how evil you
18:42think the Germans are they don't have
18:43control over bats it wasn't like the guy
18:46got offended and said oh really owns
18:50release the bat so now the crowd is
18:56weird
18:57these guys are laughing and there's
19:01freaking bats flying around the theatre
19:03first two minutes of my show
19:06I got a do an hour and now I've already
19:10lost the crowd they're freaking out
19:11these guys are laughing weird I'm
19:13nervous it's my first time there I don't
19:15know how to get out of this so I
19:17literally walked over to the other side
19:20of the stage and I started just
19:21performing for this side of the room
19:23trying to redirect the focus right here
19:26and I'm so nervous I'm stuttering I
19:29don't even have a Segway I'm like I mean
19:30you know it's crazy in America everybody
19:35in America likes drinking you know it's
19:36real crazy like like for example
19:37Mexicans most Mexicans will I drink at
19:40the Keela most black people like
19:43Hennessy most white people like Jager
19:46here in India you guys like Fanta and
19:50when I said Fanta the crowd went crazy
19:54because it was such a local reference
19:57they freaked out they were like
19:58screaming oh my god he knows he knows
20:00they started singing up on tag on
20:03Yvonne up on top
20:05haha the roar was so big it allowed me
20:12to restart my show
20:14so I started cracking new jokes and more
20:15jokes and these jokes and those jokes
20:17five minutes go by five minutes go by
20:20all of a sudden the Germans got offended
20:24at the fact that I left them out of my
20:27drink a joke the one in the middle
20:30stands up and he approaches a stage now
20:32this stage has got to be about five feet
20:34tall the guy's head was about this high
20:36he's like six four he looks at me and he
20:39starts pointing and he's yelling hey but
20:41no man
20:44what about ass haha but there are the
20:46Germans but to be drink dude that was
20:49like five minutes ago they were giving
20:52you a chance what do they drink I'm like
20:54first of all sir I apologize I'm really
20:56nervous right now
20:58I had no idea that was gonna be Germans
21:00here tonight yeah felt like Poland
21:06I don't care if you laugh or not that's
21:08a smartass joke as how smartass joke
21:12it's not my fault some of you Pentacles
21:14failed history you better cool that and
21:17find out why it's so damn funny
21:21all the older white people so anyway so
21:27I'm standing then I go listen sir you
21:29need to have a seat okay the people are
21:30getting nervous you need to have a seat
21:31so I can finish the show and the guys he
21:33refuses I will not sit down fat man and
21:35say yo tell us what we drink I go listen
21:37I don't know what you guys drink and the
21:39Indians are being so cute they're trying
21:42to help me they're yelling hey they like
21:44fun cool and the guy was like please
21:51have a seat if you tell us what we're
21:54drink
21:54tell us what man I go listen sir you
21:56need to sit out and you need to stop
21:58calling me fat man now it's starting to
22:00bother me it's like the sixth time he
22:01does it and I didn't just lose a hundred
22:03pounds - now get caught
22:07so I go serve you don't have a seat
22:09we're gonna have a problem especially if
22:11you call me fat man again and he freakin
22:13did what's he gonna do that bad
22:16luckily drink even might be who's behind
22:20the curtain knew he knows when I'm at
22:21that point where I've crossed over I
22:23could hear him in the back don't do it
22:26too late fluff is pissed
22:28so I said you want to know what you
22:30drink damn it
22:31don't ask me where this came from I got
22:33right in his face and I said blood of
22:35Jews
22:37[Applause]
22:48now see automatically you guys gave me a
22:51whole different reaction in Delhi that
22:55was probably the most shocking thing
22:58ever said on that stage so shocking that
23:022,000 people at the exact same time got
23:06so quiet you guys so quiet you could
23:08hear everyone's ass just
23:15and I'm still standing there my hands on
23:18have you ever said something that was so
23:21bad and I mean you knew it was bad as it
23:24was coming out of your mouth and you're
23:26trying to stop it but it's too late it's
23:28already out and you're like and it's too
23:32late blood of Jews is all over his face
23:34right I'm standing on my hands I'm
23:37looking at him he's looking at me and
23:38I'm like he says
23:41that's a good one yeah that's a good it
23:49doesn't end there I'm telling you guys
23:53this is so crazy
23:54so next morning might Athena and I are
23:55flying back home to Los Angeles from
23:58Delhi we're taking an airline called
23:59British Airways we go from Delhi to
24:02London England and we have a connecting
24:04flight over there once we get to England
24:06they cancelled our connect for whatever
24:08reason and so we got rebooked on another
24:11airline called Lufthansa it's a German
24:17airline now this is why I believe in
24:21karma
24:22seriously mother things like really
24:23bloody Jews I'm like I know I felt like
24:28they phoned ahead on stakeout a fluffy
24:32so I put down my credit card I made sure
24:36that my Athena and I got upgraded to at
24:37least their business class because it's
24:39like a long flight and so we're in there
24:42we're on the plane and the plane takes
24:43off about 20 minutes into the flight
24:46we're just sitting there were laughing
24:48and the flight attendant she starts
24:50coming down the aisle with the little
24:51cart yeah she's coming down the aisle
24:53and she sees me and she goes hello sir
24:55do you have a preferred drink of choice
24:57today Martine looks at me taps me in the
25:02chest and he goes a teller
25:08Tayler bro come on ask for if anybody
25:12has it do shut up and then she looks at
25:16martine said do you have a preferred
25:18drink of choice and other things like
25:20yeah you guys got blood up she's like
25:24Bloody Mary yes yes
25:26Bloody Mary her freakin machetes gonna
25:29get me banned from flying so we make it
25:33back home I'm trying to tell the story
25:35to my girlfriend and my son and my girl
25:37she's barely laughing she's like ha ha
25:39like she's jaded she doesn't laugh at my
25:41jokes anymore
25:42my son Frankie on the other hand he is
25:46dying and I'm like really he's 16 years
25:50like a really Frank he thought that was
25:51funny because you asked funny I go what
25:53was so funny about my story he goes
25:55those people you're talking about I go
25:57who the Indians he goes no the other
25:59ones I go the Germans goes yeah it's
26:02funny I go what's so funny about the
26:04Germans the way that they speak I go
26:06what's so funny about the way that they
26:08speak he goes they sound like the three
26:10little pigs from the movie Shrek
26:14I had to go on YouTube and freaking find
26:18it and sure enough all three little pigs
26:19oh yeah I was just waiting for one of
26:23the gold fat man
26:26[Applause]
26:29[Music]
26:33[Applause]
26:33[Music]
26:38[Music]