Full transcript
0:01When life becomes painful, the mind
0:03makes one mistake almost immediately.
0:06It assumes the pain has come to stay.
0:09You lose something, something breaks, a
0:13door closes, and within days, the mind
0:16begins speaking as if it already knows
0:18the rest of your life.
0:21This is how things are now. This is who
0:23I am now. I will never recover from
0:26this. But look at everything around you.
0:29Night comes and then it leaves. Winter
0:33arrives and then it gives way to spring.
0:36A song begins, fills the room and
0:39reaches its final note. A film can pull
0:42you into an entire world and suddenly
0:45the credits appear.
0:47Everything is passing, including you,
0:50including what you are feeling right
0:52now.
0:54There is an old metaphor from the
0:55philosopher Al-Kindi.
0:58Imagine a group of travelers crossing
1:00the sea by ship. The ship stops at an
1:03island along the way. The passengers are
1:06allowed to go ashore and collect what
1:08they need before continuing their
1:10journey. Some gather what is useful and
1:13return quickly. Others wander farther
1:16inland.
1:18They become fascinated by [music] the
1:19trees, the stones, the beautiful objects
1:22they find there. They begin collecting
1:25more than they can carry.
1:27Some become so distracted [music] by the
1:29island that they almost forget the ship
1:32entirely.
1:33But the island was never their
1:35destination.
1:37They were only guests.
1:39This is a consolation worth remembering
1:41when sorrow becomes heavy.
1:44You are a [music] guest in this moment.
1:47You may have been here for weeks,
1:49perhaps years.
1:52But do not turn a temporary room into
1:54your permanent address.
1:56There is an enormous difference between
1:58saying I am going through failure and
2:01saying I am a failure.
2:04One describes an experience. The other
2:07turns the experience into an identity.
2:11You may be in the middle of grief but
2:13grief is not everything you are. You may
2:16be lost but being lost does not mean
2:19there is no road. You may have fallen
2:23but the place where you fell is not
2:25necessarily the place where your story
2:28ends. You are passing through. That is
2:31the [music] first consolation.
2:34The second is more difficult.
2:36You may not yet understand what has
2:38happened to you. The Quran tells the
2:41story of Musa traveling with Kedar.
2:45During their journey, they board a boat
2:47belonging to poor people who depend on
2:49it for their livelihood.
2:51Critter damages the boat. Musa is
2:54shocked. These people are poor. This
2:58boat helps them survive. Why damage the
3:01little they have? From where Musa is
3:04standing, the situation seems obvious.
3:07A bad thing has happened.
3:10But later, Keer explains something Musa
3:12could not see.
3:14There was a king ahead of them who was
3:16seizing [music] every soundboat by
3:18force.
3:20The damage would cause this particular
3:22boat to be overlooked. The hole was the
3:25reason the boat survived.
3:28Musa saw the damage.
3:31Kidd knew about the king. And there are
3:34things ahead of you that you cannot see.
3:36That does not mean every painful event
3:38is secretly pleasant. It does not mean
3:42injustice [music] should be called
3:43goodness. It does not mean you should
3:46stop trying to repair what can be
3:48repaired. It means something much
3:50simpler.
3:52Be careful about declaring the final
3:54meaning of an event while you are still
3:56inside it. We do this constantly.
4:00A relationship ends and we say, "I lost
4:04the person I was supposed to spend my
4:06life with." How do you know? A business
4:09fails and we say, "I destroyed my
4:13future."
4:14How do you know? You are rejected from
4:17an opportunity and you say that was my
4:21one chance. How do you know?
4:24You know what happened. You do not
4:27necessarily know what it means yet.
4:30Think back through your own life. There
4:33are probably things you once begged for
4:36that you are now grateful you never
4:37received.
4:39People you wanted desperately to keep.
4:42Places you wanted desperately to stay.
4:45doors you wanted desperately to open.
4:49At the time, the rejection looked cruel.
4:52Years later, with more of the story
4:54visible, you understood something you
4:57could not understand then. Perhaps you
5:00even thanked God. But notice the
5:02distance between those two moments.
5:05When the door closed, you did not know.
5:10Later, you knew more.
5:13This is where Iben Arabi becomes useful.
5:17Again and again his thought reminds us
5:20that reality is greater than the limited
5:22form through which we encounter it. The
5:25human being sees from one position, one
5:28moment, one set of experiences, one very
5:32small window. Then we confuse [music]
5:34the window with the whole sky. We see
5:37the hole in the boat. We do not see the
5:40king. Sometimes the most honest prayer
5:43is not God I understand why this
5:46happened. Perhaps it is God I do not
5:50understand what you understand. That is
5:53not weakness. That is humility. And
5:57humility leaves room for meanings that
5:59have not revealed themselves yet.
6:03The third consolation asks an
6:05uncomfortable question.
6:08What if some of the things you never
6:09wanted are involved in creating
6:12qualities you desperately need?
6:15Roomie speaks of Ibraim and the fire of
6:17Nimrod.
6:19Nobody would ask for the fire. Nobody
6:22would pray for an enemy. Nobody would
6:24request hardship for the pleasure of
6:26hardship.
6:28But what happens to trust when there is
6:31no fire? What happens to courage if
6:34nothing frightens you?
6:36What happens to patience if nothing
6:38tests you?
6:40What happens to forgiveness if nobody
6:42ever wounds you? There are qualities
6:45within a human being that comfort never
6:48calls upon. You can talk about trust in
6:51God for 20 years. Then suddenly the
6:55thing you relied upon disappears.
6:58Now the conversation changes.
7:01You can say you [music] are patient.
7:03Then life refuses to move according to
7:05your timetable.
7:08Now patience is no longer an idea. You
7:11can say money does not define you. Then
7:14you lose money.
7:16Now you discover whether that was
7:18actually true. You can say people's
7:20opinions do not matter. Then someone
7:24humiliates you.
7:26Now something hidden inside you becomes
7:28visible.
7:30This does not [music] mean suffering
7:31automatically makes people better. It
7:34does not.
7:36Suffering can make a person bitter. It
7:39can make a person cruel. It can make
7:42someone close his heart.
7:44Pain is not a guarantee of wisdom. But
7:47pain reveals.
7:50Pressure reveals.
7:52Difficulty exposes what comfort allowed
7:54to remain hidden.
7:57Perhaps before the betrayal, you did not
7:59know how much you depended on another
8:01human being to tell you that you were
8:03worthy.
8:05Perhaps before the failure, you did not
8:08know that your identity had become
8:09inseparable from your success.
8:12Perhaps before losing control, you did
8:15not know how terrified you were of
8:17surrender.
8:19Perhaps before everything became quiet,
8:22you did not know how much noise you
8:24needed in order to avoid yourself.
8:27So there are moments when the question
8:29changes instead of only asking, "How do
8:33I escape this?" You also ask, "What is
8:37this revealing?"
8:39That brings us [music] to Roomie's
8:40carpet. Imagine a carpet hanging
8:43outside.
8:44Someone takes a stick and begins beating
8:46it again and again. If the carpet could
8:49speak, it might ask, "Why are you
8:52hitting me? What did I do? Why are you
8:57hurting me?"
8:59But the person holding the stick is not
9:01angry with the carpet. He is removing
9:04the dust. The blows reveal what has
9:07settled [music] deep inside the fibers.
9:10This is one of Roomie's most powerful
9:12images of purification.
9:14And it gives us a difficult question to
9:16ask during hardship. What dust is coming
9:19out of me? Not every blow is
9:22purification.
9:24Not every person who hurts you is
9:26secretly doing something noble. That is
9:29not the point. The point is what
9:32hardship can show you about yourself.
9:35Maybe you discovered anger, maybe envy,
9:39maybe pride.
9:41Maybe you discovered that your gratitude
9:43was stronger when everything was going
9:45your way.
9:48Maybe you discovered that your faith was
9:50quietly dependent on God agreeing with
9:52your plans.
9:54Maybe you discovered [music] that
9:55beneath your ambition was a desperate
9:57need to prove something.
10:00Maybe you discovered that you were
10:02building a successful life and slowly
10:04losing yourself inside it.
10:07These discoveries can be painful, but
10:10unseen dust cannot be cleaned.
10:14Sometimes the most important thing a
10:16crisis [music] gives you is an honest
10:18view of what has accumulated inside you.
10:21And once you can see it, you can begin
10:23working on it. You can repent. You can
10:27apologize.
10:29You can change how you treat people. You
10:32can rebuild your priorities. You can
10:34begin again differently.
10:37This is where the spiritual idea of
10:39purification becomes practical. It is
10:42not sitting quietly and calling every
10:44disaster a blessing. It is allowing the
10:47disaster to teach you something when
10:49there is something to learn.
10:52If your business failed because you
10:54ignored the numbers, learn the numbers.
10:57If pride prevented you from listening,
11:00learn to listen. If you trusted too
11:03easily, become discerning without
11:05becoming suspicious of everyone. If you
11:08neglected your family while chasing
11:10success, do not rebuild the same life
11:13and call it a comeback.
11:16A true comeback should contain evidence
11:18that the fall taught you something.
11:21Otherwise, you have only returned to the
11:24same road.
11:26The next consolation is about time and
11:29this one may be the most useful of all.
11:32You may have enough patience for today,
11:35but perhaps you are spending it on three
11:37different periods of your life.
11:40Something happened yesterday.
11:42Now you sit here replaying it. Why did I
11:46do that? Why did I trust them?
11:50Why did I not notice?
11:52Why did I say that?
11:54Why did I waste those years?
11:58So yesterday takes part of today's
11:59strength. Then your mind travels
12:02forward.
12:04What if it gets worse? What if I never
12:07recover?
12:08What if I lose everything?
12:11What if I am still dealing with these
12:13five years from now?
12:15Now tomorrow takes another part of
12:17today's strength.
12:19Then the actual difficulty [music] of
12:21today arrives and you say I cannot carry
12:25this. Of course you cannot. You are
12:28trying to carry yesterday, today and a
12:31future that has not even happened. The
12:34past is signed.
12:36You cannot enter it again. You can learn
12:39from it. You can repent for it. You can
12:42repair consequences that remain in the
12:44present. But the event itself has
12:47finished. The conversation happened. The
12:50decision was made. The money was spent.
12:54The opportunity passed. The person left.
12:58The page has been written.
13:00You can keep reading that page for the
13:02next 20 years. It will not change the
13:05ink.
13:06Regret is useful when it teaches.
13:09Regret becomes destructive when it
13:11demands that today somehow rewrite
13:14yesterday and then there is tomorrow.
13:18Tomorrow is not signed. You do not know
13:21what is written there.
13:23Anxiety [music] treats imagination like
13:25revelation.
13:27The mind imagines a disaster and the
13:29body begins suffering as though the
13:31disaster has already occurred.
13:34Your heart races over an event that
13:36exists nowhere except in thought.
13:39Of course, you should plan. Of course,
13:42you should prepare. Of course, you
13:44should protect your family. Save money,
13:47solve problems, visit the doctor, make
13:49the phone call, ask for help.
13:53But preparation and mental suffering are
13:55not the same thing.
13:57Preparation asks, "What can I do today?"
14:02Anxiety [music] asks, "How can I
14:04emotionally experience every possible
14:06disaster before it happens?"
14:09You do not need enough strength for the
14:11next 10 years tonight. You need enough
14:13strength for tonight.
14:16When tomorrow becomes today, meet
14:18tomorrow there.
14:21Maybe the circumstances will be
14:22different. Maybe you will be different.
14:26Maybe help will arrive from somewhere
14:28you cannot currently see. Maybe the
14:31thing you fear will never happen.
14:34Do not spend today's patience on a pain
14:37that has not arrived.
14:39There is another consolation told
14:41through Lukeman.
14:43Lukeman is given a watermelon by his
14:45master. He eats it piece after piece
14:50without complaining.
14:52Eventually, the person who offered it
14:54tastes the watermelon himself. It is
14:57terribly bitter.
14:59He is astonished.
15:02How could Lukeman eat something so
15:03bitter without saying anything?
15:06Lukeman's answer carries the
15:08consolation. He had received so much
15:11sweetness from those hands before.
15:14How could he complain so fiercely?
15:16Because something bitter came from the
15:18same hands once.
15:20Now turn that story toward your own
15:22life.
15:24One bitter thing can occupy the entire
15:26tongue. That is how pain works.
15:30Something goes wrong and suddenly
15:32everything good becomes invisible.
15:34You lose one thing and forget 50 things
15:37that remain.
15:39One person betrays you and the mind
15:42forgets everyone who stayed loyal. One
15:45financial disaster happens and you
15:47forget years when food appeared on the
15:49table without you thinking twice about
15:51it. One part of the body becomes sick
15:55and suddenly the hundreds of things
15:57still working perfectly disappear from
16:00attention.
16:02This does not mean the bitterness is not
16:04bitter. Lukeman does not claim the
16:06watermelon tastes sweet. That would be
16:09denial.
16:11The question is whether one bitter taste
16:14should erase every sweet thing that came
16:16before it.
16:18This is where gratitude becomes
16:20something much deeper than positive
16:22thinking.
16:24Gratitude is not saying nothing is
16:26wrong. Gratitude says this is wrong.
16:30This hurts. And it is still not the
16:32whole picture.
16:35Two things can be true. I can be
16:37grieving and grateful. I can be
16:40frightened and aware of what remains.
16:43I can hate what happened and still
16:45recognize that my entire [music]
16:47existence has not become empty.
16:50Look around carefully. What remains? Not
16:53what disappeared.
16:55What remains? Who still loves you? Who
16:59still answers your call? What still
17:01works? What can you still learn? What
17:04can you still build? What can you still
17:07repair? Can you walk? Can you breathe?
17:11Can you hold the hand of someone you
17:13love? Can you stand outside and feel the
17:16sun? Can you still make one sincere
17:19prayer?
17:21We overlook these things because
17:23repetition makes [music] blessings
17:24invisible.
17:26Then loss makes one absence enormous.
17:29The bitter piece fills the entire mouth.
17:33Lukeman reminds us to remember the hands
17:35from which sweetness also came. And
17:38eventually this leads to perhaps the
17:41deepest consolation,
17:43ownership.
17:45Listen to the language we use. My body,
17:48my eyes, my hands, my heart, my
17:51children, my money, my house, my life,
17:56mine. But how much of any of this is
17:58actually ours in the absolute sense?
18:01Take your heart. You call it yours. Did
18:05you build it? Did you switch it on? Did
18:07you decide when it would beat for the
18:09first time? Can you command it to
18:12continue beating for another 40 years?
18:15Your lungs, they breathed all night
18:18while you were unconscious.
18:20You did not supervise them. Your body
18:23repairs wounds without asking you how.
18:26Your hair grows. Your cells divide.
18:30Your stomach digests food.
18:33An entire universe operates inside the
18:36thing you confidently call my body.
18:39While you understand almost none of what
18:42is happening.
18:44Perhaps mine never meant absolute
18:46ownership. Perhaps it meant entrusted to
18:49me.
18:50This changes the experience of life
18:54because possession says this belongs to
18:56me therefore it should remain according
18:59to my will. Trust says this was placed
19:03in my hands for a time.
19:05There is a tenderness in that idea but
19:08also pain. The people we love are
19:11entrusted to us. Our health is entrusted
19:14to us. Our money is entrusted to us. our
19:17abilities, our businesses, our homes,
19:22our time,
19:23even the next breath. And a trust is
19:26precious precisely because it is not
19:28permanent.
19:30This does not mean we stop loving. It
19:32means we love more honestly.
19:35We stop asking temporary things to
19:37behave as though they are eternal. We
19:40stop asking money to guarantee security
19:43forever. We stop asking another human
19:46being to guarantee that we will never
19:48feel alone.
19:50We stop asking success to tell us who we
19:52are. We stop asking youth to remain. We
19:57stop demanding that life promise not to
19:59change.
20:01Everything in creation changes.
20:04The mistake is not loving what changes.
20:07The mistake is forgetting that it
20:09changes.
20:11This is why Ibn Arab's understanding of
20:13the world can be so powerful here. The
20:17forms are constantly changing. Things
20:19appear, disappear, return in another
20:22form or never return at all.
20:25But we cling to one particular form and
20:28say it has to be this this person, this
20:32career, this plan, this house, this
20:36version of my future.
20:39And when that form disappears, we
20:41sometimes behave [music] as if God
20:43himself disappeared with it. But the
20:46gift was never the giver. The road was
20:49never the destination. The island was
20:52never home. The boat can be damaged and
20:55still be saved. The fire can reveal a
20:58trust that comfort never required.
21:02The carpet can be struck and release
21:04dust.
21:05Yesterday can be signed without
21:07destroying today. One bitter piece does
21:10not erase every sweetness. And what you
21:13call yours may have always been
21:15something placed gently in your hands
21:17for a while.
21:19Maybe this is what consolation really
21:21is. Not an explanation for every
21:24tragedy.
21:26Not a promise that everything you lost
21:28will come back. Not a guarantee that
21:31tomorrow will look the way you want it
21:33to look.
21:35Consolation is sometimes only a
21:37different place from which to look and
21:40from that different place something
21:42loosens.
21:44You stop saying my life is over and
21:47begin saying I cannot see [music] the
21:49rest yet. You stop saying nothing good
21:52can exist after this and begin saying I
21:56do not know what exists after this.
22:00You stop asking, "Why did God destroy
22:02everything?" And perhaps ask, "What am I
22:06not seeing yet?" You stop using all of
22:09today's strength to fight yesterday and
22:12fear tomorrow.
22:14You return to what is actually in front
22:16of you.
22:18One day, one prayer, one decision, one
22:22act of courage, one thing to repair, one
22:26thing to release.
22:28Maybe your sorrow does not disappear
22:30tonight. It does not have to. Perhaps
22:33tonight you simply remember that you are
22:35a guest in it. Perhaps you remember the
22:38damaged boat. Perhaps you ask what the
22:41fire is revealing.
22:43Perhaps you notice some dust leaving the
22:45carpet.
22:46Perhaps you stop reopening a page that
22:49has already been signed.
22:51Perhaps you remember all the sweetness
22:53that came before this bitter piece.
22:56Perhaps you look at your hands and
22:58understand that even they were never
23:00completely yours. And perhaps that is
23:03enough for one night.
23:05Because you do not always need enough
23:07light to see the entire road. Sometimes
23:10you only need enough light to see where
23:12to place your foot next.
23:15Then another step,
23:17then another.
23:19Until one day you turn around and
23:22realize something.
23:24The place you thought you would never
23:25leave is behind you. And you were only a
23:28guest there after all.