Full transcript
0:01Having sex before marriage messed with
0:03my head , and we need to talk about it .
0:06I always wanted to open up like this ,
0:08to share this perspective , because I
0:09wanted to be able to testify
0:11post-marriage , you know ? To talk about
0:14the fact that it's worth the wait and
0:16so on , but I needed to have the full
0:18testimony , and that's what we're going
0:20to discuss today . It’s a more
0:24intimate conversation , a girl-to-girl
0:26chat that I know will end up reaching
0:27many other people too . And if you don't
0:31know me , my name is Vitoria Doso , I’m
0:3329 , married , I've been on the internet
0:34for 10 years , and I'm a Christian . And
0:37I believe that having sex before
0:39marriage is a sin . And unfortunately , I
0:41lived through that before I was
0:43converted . And that created things in
0:46my heart and in the way I saw myself
0:49and others that were very complex and
0:52harmed me so much throughout my life ,
0:54and I could only enjoy complete healing
0:57now that I'm married . And I want to
1:00talk about that with you today . The
1:03fact that I didn't marry a virgin , I
1:05believe that's , it's no surprise , right
1:07? I've talked about it here before ; I
1:10was converted when I was already 22 ,
1:11and I had lived a life before Jesus ,
1:13you know ? After I converted and chose
1:17to change and no longer have sex
1:19without being married , the paths
1:21changed , right ? The journey was
1:23different . But before I knew Jesus , I
1:26had lived a life , I lived in the world ,
1:29I experienced various things , and not
1:31just the sexual part , but many others ,
1:34like drinking , drugs , anyway . And that
1:37part of my life was so long ago and
1:39it's so far back that when I talk about
1:41it , it doesn't even feel like it's me ,
1:43you know ? But even though time has
1:46passed and many things have changed ,
1:50some things leave marks on us . And they
1:54leave marks on us because there is a
1:56reason why God gives us direction , a
1:59yes or a no , in our lives . There is a
2:02reason why God designed sexuality and
2:04sexual intimacy for marriage . And now
2:08that I enjoy it within the covenant of
2:11marriage , I have much more clarity as
2:14to why . And I come with this video to
2:19give you hope , single woman . Let's get
2:22into it . After I converted , I had
2:24relationships where I didn't have
2:26intimacy anymore . Cassio and I didn't
2:28give in before we got married . But when
2:34you've already awakened that area , you
2:37have desire , you yearn for something .
2:41And when you love someone , it’s very
2:42hard to wait , right ? It’s very hard
2:44not to fall into that place . And I
2:48began to realize with maturity , as my
2:50Christian life progressed , that the
2:52marks of having lived through that
2:54before had left on my mind and my heart
2:56were much deeper than I imagined . And
3:00there are many things , not just in this
3:03area , but in countless areas that you
3:05can only truly enjoy and be sure of the
3:07healing when you are living in a
3:09relationship . So , in single life , you
3:13can heal from neediness and
3:15insecurities , but many things will be
3:17truly tested when you are inside a
3:20relationship . And I experienced some
3:23things like that . So , various
3:25insecurities that I had resolved while
3:27single returned in my relationship with
3:30Cássio because of my traumas and the
3:32things I had lived through . For example
3:35, any day that Cássio seemed a bit
3:37more distant while we were dating , I
3:39would get completely triggered ,
3:41thinking we were going to break up ,
3:43that I wasn't enough , that he didn't
3:45want me anymore , because that was what
3:47I had experienced in another
3:49relationship . And I needed to go
3:52through deeper healing while in a
3:54relationship to have that healed and
3:56resolved within me . And thank God , when
4:00you are being tested , right , the test
4:02happens while life is happening . Thank
4:06God , Cássio is a good man who loves me
4:08and loves the Lord and has always known
4:10how to help me in those moments , just
4:12as when he had his issues , I was also
4:14there to help . And this is an example ,
4:19because our past shapes our way of
4:21living and seeing the world in ways
4:23much deeper than we imagine . When I
4:28read a book called Purity is Power by
4:30Lisa Bevere , there is a chapter that I
4:32always mention , if you've ever seen me
4:34talking about sexuality , you've heard
4:37me talk about this chapter , where it
4:39speaks about not awakening love , not
4:41awakening this area before the right
4:43time . And I think that is the big point
4:47that ended up hindering my life so much
4:50for all those years . When you awaken
4:54your sexuality before the right time
4:56with the wrong person , the wrong way ,
4:59in the wrong place , without a covenant ,
5:01this will also generate insecurities
5:03and emotional dependencies in us that ,
5:06in the right time and under a covenant ,
5:08would never have been awakened .
5:12Perhaps one of the greatest
5:13difficulties we have when dealing with
5:15this subject is precisely that it is
5:17only from the perspective of the woman .
5:20We always talk about the woman who gave
5:23her purity to a man who never meant
5:26anything to her , never respected her ,
5:29but now she must be treated as if she
5:31were pure again . She must necessarily
5:36be treated as if nothing had happened ,
5:38because now God has made all her sins
5:40as pure , as white as snow . And we can't
5:44say anything else . And if you say
5:46something about her past , you must be
5:48socially destroyed . So , invariably , the
5:51debate on this always revolves around
5:54her perspectives on what she demands
5:57that people do now . But there is a part
6:02that nobody ever talks about , which is
6:05that one of the greatest male
6:07frustrations and disappointments is
6:09knowing that the lady he loves so
6:12deeply , the lady he fantasizes about
6:15giving his life for , that he is willing
6:17to open up to . Calm down , look , Daddy
6:25is working , okay ? You have to wait a
6:27little bit , all right ? Calm down , calm
6:29down . There you go , Mommy . I fixed it .
6:33One of the things that I'm , you know , I
6:36bought a little 120 projector , it's
6:39white , very small . It's an entry-level
6:43one , the image isn't full HD , it's HD ,
6:46but I bought this projector for them .
6:49And we have movie time here at home . I
6:51project the image really big on the
6:53wall , right ? Then I set them all up and
6:56we have a movie afternoon , a movie
6:59night , we make popcorn , those , those
7:02cinema buckets . I bought them , we fill
7:05them with popcorn and everyone stays
7:06there eating popcorn , having a movie
7:08afternoon or night here at home . It's
7:10really fun . I'm venting now . But let's
7:13go . Ah , nobody talks then about the
7:16biggest disappointment and the biggest
7:18frustration of a man , of a good man .
7:22It's knowing that the lady he loves so
7:24deeply , who he wants to give his name
7:26to , who he wants to live to honor , has
7:28already given her purity to another man
7:30. Men today . And he can't talk about it
7:35. No man can talk about it , because he
7:38finds no one who will listen . And those
7:42who listen are only there to criticize .
7:45Everyone talks about , no , this one here
7:47, she gave herself before , but now she
7:49is pure again . It's not even , it's not
7:52even as if it were her , it's someone
7:54else . But when a man tries to speak ,
7:57saying I have a pain in my heart
7:59because the lady I love has already
8:01given herself to another . He receives
8:04no understanding . All he receives is
8:06condemnation . They call him a servant
8:08of the devil , a weakling . And it leads
8:11to him being ostracized in society . And
8:16if he tries to say that , they'll say
8:17he's fragile , that he's prejudiced . No ,
8:20look , that should have been discarded
8:22there . But none of that . There are
8:26psychological processes happening that
8:28simply nobody pays attention to . No man
8:32wants to be seen as the man who saved a
8:35lady , who honored her . He wants to be
8:41seen as the guy who was ardently chosen
8:43by her , not as the second option . And
8:47the man feels this . When he gets
8:51involved with a lady who already gave
8:53herself to another in her past , he
8:54feels he will always be the second
8:56option . Oh , but not every man is like
9:00that , but most are . And most don't
9:02speak , because the guy can't speak .
9:05Most married men in the church today ,
9:07who married a lady who is not a virgin ,
9:09feel frustrated because they would like
9:11to be able to verbalize it and they
9:13carry this pain in silence for the rest
9:14of their lives . Nobody cares about him .
9:18So , we have these steps to talk about
9:19this here . So , I want to talk a little
9:22bit about the ruin of the primacy myth
9:24and I also want to talk about the
9:25foundation of desire . Let's go . In
9:28psychoanalysis , in the psychology of
9:31love , the act of loving , especially
9:33loving deeply , involves a narcissistic
9:35projection . The lover wishes to be the
9:39zero point of the affective history and
9:41the erotic history of the beloved . So ,
9:45the desire is the desire for
9:48palingenesis . What is that ? The man who
9:51loves deeply and fantasizes about a
9:54whole life with the person , is seeking
9:56on the unconscious level to be the
9:58founder of that lady's sensual world .
10:01The virgin , oh , I almost , I can't say
10:03the name , no problem . Purity , I have to
10:05substitute it . Purity symbolizes the
10:08absence of comparisons . The blank slate
10:11, which is the affective blank slate ,
10:15where he would write the history of
10:17their mutual desire . He doesn't want
10:21the mark of the predecessor in her life
10:24, in her soul . Because knowing that
10:26another man inaugurated the intimate
10:29life of the lady he loves breaks this
10:31fantasy of absolute exclusivity . So ,
10:34the male mind is forced at this moment
10:37to live with the ghostly presence . The
10:43human mind , the male mind is forced to
10:46live with the ghostly presence of the
10:49first one , the guy with whom she
10:51experienced the discovery , the novelty ,
10:54the initial vulnerability of that which
11:00should have been their first night , but
11:02now it doesn't exist anymore . The
11:06maximum sacrifice a man can make for a
11:10lady . He only does it once in his life ,
11:12which is giving his life . After that ,
11:15it's over , he gave his life . But a
11:19virtuous woman cannot make the ultimate
11:22sacrifice , which is giving her purity
11:24to him . Do you understand ? Since
11:27something will always be missing , no
11:29matter how wrong a life a woman had in
11:31the past , she can still find a man who
11:34makes the ultimate sacrifice for her .
11:39But on the other hand , no matter how
11:41right a life a man has led , he will
11:42hardly find a virtuous woman who makes
11:44the ultimate sacrifice for him , that is
11:46, giving her purity . We have studies
11:51today showing that among virtuous
11:53single women of marriageable age , only
11:571 % preserve their purity , while 99 % have
12:00already given themselves away . So , uh ,
12:04we can also talk about the issue of
12:06retroactive jealousy . Why ? We have some
12:10interesting studies showing that one of
12:12the protective factors against
12:14infidelity is purity . Virtuous women
12:19who marry pure tend to maintain a
12:22relationship of fidelity and loyalty to
12:25the man and rarely separate . A woman
12:29who has given herself away , even if it
12:32was just once to another guy , has much
12:35higher chances of infidelity , man . It's
12:39an absurd increase . And that is the
12:42problem . So , clinical psychology and
12:45psychiatry map this retrospective or
12:52retroactive jealousy as one of the most
12:55painful forms of anguish in a male's
12:58romantic relationship . Because there is
13:03a lack of control . The man has no
13:05control over this . Because unlike
13:08conventional jealousy that focuses on
13:10the present or the future , which can be
13:13fought with practical actions , jealousy
13:15of the past deals with a completed and
13:18immutable fact . This leads to torture
13:22of the imagination . Because a man's
13:25mind , when loving a woman intensely ,
13:27tends to create visual and conceptual
13:30representations of the act from which
13:33he was excluded . And the suffering
13:38stems from the contrast between the
13:40purity with which he fantasizes about
13:43the future with her and the fact that a
13:46stranger has already enjoyed all the
13:48mystery she once had , without the
13:50weight of the responsibility he , as a
13:53husband , carries today . We can talk
13:59about an evolutionary psychology
14:00perspective , about paternity distress ,
14:02and about the issue of exclusivity ,
14:07because from the perspective of
14:09anthropology and behavioral biology ,
14:11the male psyche has been calibrated
14:13over millennia by territorial
14:15imperatives and the certainty of
14:17paternity . So , the seal , the purity ,
14:22represents a sign of exclusive bonding .
14:26In evolutionary terms , giving away
14:29one's novelty — you know what I'm
14:31talking about , purity — has always been
14:33associated with the ultimate
14:35demonstration of trust and bonding to a
14:37single partner . A man desires , as I
14:44mentioned earlier from a psychoanalytic
14:46perspective , to be , uh , the one to
14:48initiate his lady . A lady initiated by
14:50his own hands , not by the hands of
14:52another . And all this leads to a
14:56feeling of devaluation of his sacrifice
14:58, because the man is willing to offer
15:00protection , provision , loyalty , and
15:02commitment for a lifetime , which
15:04carries high emotional and material
15:06costs . However , he feels a hierarchical
15:09blow upon realizing that another man
15:12obtained her first surrender without
15:14having to offer any of that long-term
15:16commitment . This generates a feeling of
15:20profound existential injustice . This
15:25leads us to the fall of idealization
15:27and the shattering of the fantasy .
15:30Because masculine romantic love is of
15:32high intensity and tends to operate
15:34through idealization . The man projects
15:38onto his beloved lady an aura of
15:40sanctity and distance from the profane .
15:44And when he realizes it , knows about it
15:47, when she tells him , it is a clash
15:49with reality , the discovery , right ? The
15:52awareness that the lady who loves him
15:54so deeply lived the fundamental
15:56experience of intimacy with another guy
15:58. This leads to the breaking of the
16:01figure of the muse that his mind had
16:03tucked away and created . So , his
16:07frustration is not just about the
16:09physical act itself , but about the loss
16:11of the perfect narrative he longed for
16:13his whole life . The realization that
16:17the love story he considered unique and
16:19sacred is , in fact , the continuation of
16:22a path that began with someone else .
16:25This hurts , it hurts a lot . And people
16:29in the church simply refuse to talk
16:31about it . They want to make you feel
16:36guilty for mentioning it . And that is
16:41the whole problem .