I Lost Myself in Every Relationship Until I Learned This..

0:00I've seen so many good people who are excited

0:03desperate or impatient make bad decisions in love

0:08here's how not to be one of them

0:10see falling in love can be one of the most

0:12beautiful experiences in the world

0:15but it can also be the place where people disappear

0:19not physically

0:20but emotionally mentally

0:23identity wise

0:24we've all seen it right

0:25someone meets a person they're excited about

0:28and slowly their world becomes smaller

0:30their friends see them less

0:32their goals get blurry

0:33their routines fall apart

0:35their sense of self starts to

0:37merge into the other person

0:39until they can't recognize where they

0:41end and where the relationship begins

0:44so many of us dissolve into our relationships

0:48one of the most shocking things

0:50is how many people will push away

0:53when we think we found our person

0:56your person won't let you push them away

0:59and you won't

1:01because you won't leave your life for someone else

1:04because love was never meant to erase you

1:07love was meant to reveal you

1:10so today I wanna show you how to fall in love or

1:14deepen love without losing the most

1:16important relationship you'll ever have

1:20the one with yourself

1:21this episode is for people who

1:23want a relationship this year

1:25or want to strengthen the one they're in

1:27without losing their independence

1:30or their identity

1:31or their inner compass

1:34by the end of these 30 minutes

1:36you'll understand how to build a

1:38relationship that feels like support

1:41not sacrifice alignment

1:43not abandonment growth

1:46not disappearance

1:47let's get into it

1:49so why do we lose ourselves in love

1:51psychologists call it self expansion theory

1:55the idea that we merge with someone we

1:58love to grow and expand our identity

2:01now that's healthy

2:03what's not healthy is when expansion becomes erasure

2:08here's what often happens

2:10the biggest mistake we make in love is we

2:14confuse being chosen with being safe

2:181 we confuse intensity with intimacy

2:22we confuse butterflies with compatibility

2:26we confuse staying together with growing together

2:30we confuse someone needing us with someone valuing us

2:35let me give you a real life example

2:37I once coached someone who whenever she

2:39entered a relationship would slowly give up

2:42the parts of her life that made her her

2:46she stopped her hobbies first

2:48then she stopped seeing friends

2:50she adjusted her goals

2:52then her schedule

2:53then her standards

2:55when I asked why she said

2:57I didn't want to lose them

3:00but the irony was heartbreaking

3:03she was losing herself to keep someone else

3:07and the research is clear

3:09people who lose their identity in

3:11relationships experience more anxiety

3:14more conflict

3:15and more insecurity

3:17you know why

3:18because when you collapse your

3:20identity into someone else

3:22you no longer know what keeps you

3:25steady when they pull away

3:27you know it's time to leave when

3:30dependency replaces partnership

3:33when fear replaces love

3:36when hope replaces habits

3:39so here's our first principle

3:42love should bring more joy in

3:46rather than take more joy out

3:49love should give you the opportunity to be more of you

3:53not less of you

3:55love should be the doorway to express yourself fully

4:00not hide parts of yourself

4:03if you find yourself losing yourself

4:06it's you doing it to yourself

4:09we often say you made me do that

4:11but if you're aware

4:13if someone is manipulating you

4:15is shifting you in that direction

4:18don't just let go

4:19it feels good at the start to give up

4:20everything you love for what they love

4:23only to realize that

4:25if they loved you

4:26why would you do that

4:28so it's so important to know our priorities

4:32before we get into a relationship

4:35if you're in a relationship

4:36make sure you know what those priorities are too

4:39so remember keep your life big

4:42one of the biggest predictors of long

4:44term relationship success is how full

4:47your life is outside the relationship

4:50that's so counterintuitive right

4:52one of the biggest reasons you'll stay together with

4:55someone for a long time is if your life is good

4:58individually and their life is good individually why

5:01because you bring greatness to each other

5:03you inspire each other

5:06science actually backs this up

5:08studies on relationship satisfaction show

5:10that people who maintain friendships

5:13people who maintain hobbies

5:15people who maintain passions

5:17people who maintain personal goals routines

5:19all of that experience stronger healthier

5:23more secure relationships

5:25because your partner fell in love with the whole person

5:30not a person who made them their whole world

5:34imagine love like a beautiful new room in your house

5:38it expands your life

5:40but it doesn't replace the entire structure

5:44here's a quick exercise

5:46list 5 things you love doing alone

5:49now list 5 people who love you

5:52outside the relationship

5:54now list five goals that have nothing to do with love

5:58these aren't extras or fillers

6:01they're anchors

6:03and anchors are what keep you

6:05steady when the waves come

6:07one of my favorite quotes that I've heard is don't

6:10become less so someone else can feel like more

6:15don't become smaller just to fit inside a

6:18relationship that refuses to grow with you

6:22don't become who they prefer

6:24if it means forgetting who you are

6:27don't become responsible for

6:29someone else's insecurities

6:32at the cost of your own confidence

6:34don't fall in love too fast

6:37it's when we fall fast that we ignore the mistakes

6:41it's when we fall fast that we don't see clearly

6:46when we slow down

6:47when we're patient

6:49everything becomes visible

6:51we can make better judgments

6:53better choices

6:55know our options better

6:56and ultimately fall in love at a

6:59pace where love can always exist

7:03when you fall in love fast

7:06you usually fall out of it as quick

7:09when you fall in love slow

7:11it has the ability to outlast any

7:14relationship you've ever had

7:16it brings me so much joy to share this with you

7:19and to give something back in the process

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8:01I can't wait for you to try it cheers

8:03here's principle two

8:05don't outsource your emotional homework

8:09our generation has a quiet habit

8:11we want our partners to heal

8:13what we've never addressed

8:15we want them to heal our abandonment wounds

8:18we want them to heal our insecurities

8:21we want them to heal our loneliness

8:23we want them to heal our self worth

8:24we want them to heal our emotional history

8:27but that's not love

8:29that's outsourcing

8:31a partner can support your healing

8:33but they cannot be your healing

8:36a partner can support your growth

8:39but they can't do your growth

8:42a partner can hold your hand while you heal

8:47but they can't walk the path for you

8:50research shows that the healthiest

8:52relationships are built by people who

8:54bring self awareness into the relationship

8:58not self abandonment

9:00tell your partner how you feel

9:02if you're anxious name it

9:04if you're avoidant

9:06understand it

9:07if you're triggered explore it

9:09if you're overwhelmed

9:11communicate it

9:12love can flourish when two people are growing

9:16not when one person becomes the

9:18emotional life raft for the other person

9:21you can't expect someone to complete you

9:24when you haven't met yourself completely

9:27you can't expect someone to complete you

9:30when you're still looking for love to

9:32fill the gaps you refuse to face

9:35you can't expect someone to complete you when you're

9:38asking them to heal wounds they never caused

9:41you can't expect someone to complete you

9:44when you haven't met the version of

9:46yourself that's ready for real love principle 3

9:50don't ignore the signals

9:53people lose themselves in love overnight

9:57because they don't stay

9:58vigilant about the signs they see

10:01these are the signs you're losing

10:03yourself in a relationship

10:05you apologize for things that aren't your fault

10:09your partner's preferences always override yours

10:13your goals feel smaller and theirs feel more important

10:18your voice feels quieter and theirs feels louder

10:22your boundaries get blurry

10:25and they don't respect them

10:27your world gets narrower

10:29and you stop checking in with yourself

10:32hearing this from a friend broke my heart

10:36they said I love him

10:38but I don't love who I become around him

10:43that sentence says everything

10:45if love is costing you yourself

10:49it's not worth it

10:50healthy love won't ask you to shrink

10:53it won't punish your ambition

10:55it won't resent your independence

10:57it won't dim your light

11:00because healthy love says stay who you are

11:04grow alongside me

11:05not beneath me

11:07stop ignoring red flags just

11:09because you're attracted to them

11:12stop avoiding red flags just because

11:14you don't want to start over again

11:17stop avoiding red flags because the attention

11:20feels good after a long time without it

11:23stop avoiding red flags because you're

11:25scared this might be the best you'll get

11:29stop avoiding red flags because you're hoping their

11:32potential will one day become their reality

11:37whenever anyone breaks up

11:38and I ask them if they saw the signs

11:41they can name all of them

11:43they never turned up on time

11:45they never really messaged back

11:47they made me chase them a little

11:49they never fully gave me their

11:51attention when we were out together

11:53they never defended me in front of

11:55someone who was being harsh

11:57they never encouraged my independence

12:00when I told them what I wanted to do

12:02they didn't really have anything to say

12:04all of a sudden

12:05when someone breaks up with you

12:07you can see everything clearly

12:09but when you were with them

12:10you let go of it

12:11because you were attracted to how they sounded

12:13how they looked

12:14what they did for work

12:15what people thought about them

12:17so many of us

12:19don't listen carefully to these signals

12:22so many of us avoid these red flags

12:25that are staring us in the face

12:27and I get it

12:28it's exciting

12:29it's enthralling it's

12:31it's intoxicating right

12:32when you find that person and it feels good I get it

12:37I know you want to be held

12:38you want to feel safe

12:40but do you want to be held for a

12:41night or held for your life

12:44do you want to feel insecure when you're with

12:46them and still look for safety elsewhere

12:49do you want to say and hear I love

12:52you but not really believe it

12:57so many of us avoid red flags

13:01because we're moving too fast

13:05here's principle four

13:07the 3 love lines you must never cross

13:11these are three boundaries the

13:13healthiest couples never compromise

13:17No.1 autonomy

13:19you maintain your own thoughts

13:22interests and choices

13:23the right person is not trying to

13:26change your interests and your choices

13:29they may help you understand them more

13:32they may help you learn about them more

13:34they're not making you want more

13:37if your partner doesn't want to start a business

13:39and you convince them they should

13:41that doesn't mean you care about them

13:43you just projected your goals onto them

13:46if your partner feels you are not ambitious enough

13:50you get to ask yourself what ambition means to you

13:54you get to ask yourself what success means to you

13:58No.2 equity both people give

14:02both people receive

14:03not 90 10 not 80 20

14:07partnership means partnership

14:09and here's the thing

14:10in long term relationships

14:12there'll be times when one

14:14person does more than the other

14:17knowing that a few years later

14:18the other person could be doing more

14:21but the point is both people are willing to

14:23give and receive and show up for each other

14:26and the third is emotional honesty

14:29if you're in a healthy relationship

14:32you can express discomfort without fear

14:36you can say I need this without feeling judged

14:40you can say that hurt me without feeling weak

14:45you can say I'm scared without

14:48triggering the other person

14:50couples who maintain these boundaries report

14:52stronger long term satisfaction and lower conflict

14:57because the relationship becomes a place of truth

15:00not performance

15:03fall in love with someone who loves your life

15:07not just you

15:08one of the biggest mistakes people make

15:11is falling for someone who loves them

15:14but doesn't love their lifestyle

15:16their dreams

15:17their values

15:18their growth

15:19their relationships

15:20their independence

15:22if someone loves only the parts of you that serve them

15:26it's not love

15:28it's possession

15:30real love says

15:32I don't want to be your whole life

15:34I want to be a part of the life you're living

15:38the right partner isn't threatened by your dreams

15:42they're inspired by them

15:44the right partner doesn't shrink your world

15:47they expand it

15:49the right partner doesn't steal your identity

15:52they celebrate it

15:54if someone requires your disappearance in order to stay

15:58they're not your person

16:00they're a limitation

16:02so many of us get manipulated

15:01principle five

16:05we get limited by people who make us

16:08feel our dreams are too small

16:10I'm sure you've been with someone before

16:11and you said hey

16:12this is what I'm thinking of doing

16:13and they said well

16:14I don't know if you can really do that

16:16I don't know if that's really possible

16:17now they may be saying it from a good intention but

16:21you want someone to engages with that and goes how

16:23about tell me about it I want to know about it

16:25by the way I've made this mistake as well

16:27sometimes the realist in me can just be like hey yeah

16:29I don't think that's gonna work

16:31and I've had to learn that when

16:33someone sharing an idea with me

16:35I've got to engage with their excitement

16:37I've got to engage with their enthusiasm

16:40I've got to engage with their energy about this

16:43I actually have so many friends last year who

16:46broke up with their partners because their

16:48partners didn't like to see them shine

16:51and this has become a real challenge right now

16:53so many people are struggling with this

16:56where they're with someone who

16:58doesn't want to see them work hard

17:00who doesn't want to see them achieve

17:01who doesn't want to see them grow

17:03because they'd prefer they played small

17:06so that it makes them feel better

17:08if someone doesn't want you to win so

17:11that they feel better about themselves

17:13they're not your person

17:15if someone doesn't want you to grow

17:17so that they don't feel small

17:19they're not your person

17:21if someone doesn't want you to achieve things

17:24so that they don't feel behind

17:26they're not your person

17:29your person will want you to

17:31be the best version of you

17:34and try to become the best version of them

17:37because it's not a competition

17:39it's connection

17:41I once met a couple who'd been together for 40 years

17:45they didn't talk about soulmates

17:47or destiny or perfect matches

17:49they said something far more profound

17:52we built two whole lives and then

17:55Learned how to walk side by side

17:59their secret they never stop becoming individuals

18:03they never stop tending to their friendships

18:06they never stopped learning about each other

18:09they never stopped growing together

18:11they never stopped growing individually

18:14they never stopped choosing themselves and

18:17they never stopped choosing each other

18:20they understood that the healthiest

18:22relationships are not two halves becoming one

18:26thetwopeople walking side by side staying connected

18:31that's what's so interesting

18:32we feel like we become one when you meet the one

18:35you merge it's you have one life now

18:38it's a mistake

18:40you have two minds two brains two hearts

18:44how can you have one life

18:47there's two lives that matter

18:48and then the life of your relationship

18:51so here's the truth that I want to leave you with

18:54you can fall in love this year without losing yourself

18:59you can be committed and still be independent

19:04you can give without disappearing

19:06you can love someone deeply and still

19:09honor the person you're becoming

19:12love is not meant to erase you

19:14love is meant to elevate you

19:17so remember this

19:19choosea love that expands your world

19:21not one that replaces it

19:24choose a love that helps you grow

19:26not one you have to shrink for

19:29choose a love that feels like partnership

19:31not self abandonment

19:33and most importantly

19:35choose a love where you don't lose yourself

19:38because the right person will never ask you to

19:42if you just went through a breakup

19:44I hope this episode helps you

19:46if you're in a relationship

19:48I hope this episode helps you

19:50and if you're looking for love

19:52I hope this episode helps you

19:54I made this episode because I think we cause

19:56ourselves so much pain when we fall in love fast

20:01ignore the red flags

20:03lose ourselves

20:04don't protect ourselves

20:06override our beliefs and values in

20:09order to desperately find love

20:12only to still be alone at the end of it

20:15here's the sad truth

20:17we change who we are so that they'll stay

20:21and then they leave because we changed

20:25it's so interesting

20:27we lose people not because we were inadequate

20:31but because we lost ourselves

20:34and that person wasn't our person

20:37I think we put so much pressure on

20:40finding the person that we think if we

20:42find someone who shows interest in us

20:44then that's enough

20:46not realizing that interest doesn't mean

20:50long term intimacy

20:51it doesn't mean long term connection

20:52it doesn't mean that

20:54so when I'm telling you do not lose

20:56yourself in a relationship

20:58it's so that you always have yourself

21:00so that you have the person you can rely on

21:03so that you have the person who protects you

21:06and then when you do find the right person

21:08you'll be able to build something together

21:10whereas hoping everyone's the right person

21:12and pretending someone's the right person

21:14how many times have you ever done that where you

21:16meet someone and you make them the perfect person

21:19you make them the right person

21:20because that's what you want

21:22you don't even get to know them

21:23because you're just projecting what you want onto them

21:26I hope this episode saves you time and from the pain

21:31of lessons that you don't need to learn yourself

21:35thank you for listening

21:37I hope you've subscribed

21:38remember I'm forever in your corner

21:40and I'm always rooting for you