Family Guy - Best of Quahog 5 News (Part 1)

0:00and now back to action news 5. our top

0:03story tonight when toys attack quite a

0:05situation we've got here Tom what a

0:07situation we've got here Tom indeed

0:08Diane it seems the happy-go-lucky toy

0:10company of Quahog Rhode Island has

0:12released several highly unsafe toy

0:14products into the retail Market come on

0:16Timmy throw the silly ball

0:19oh boy a pound poochie

0:22come on baby hindlick spit it out

0:27because of an accident today at the

0:28Quahog cable company all television

0:30transmission will be out for an

0:31undetermined amount of time of course no

0:34one can see this news program so it

0:35doesn't really matter what we say I'm

0:37the Lord Jesus Christ the think I'll go

0:39get drunk and beat up some midgets how

0:41about you Diane well Tom I just plain

0:43don't like black people you guys we're

0:46still on in Boston

0:49good morning Quahog well the heat wave

0:51has finally broken Tom it sure has Diane

0:54you know what they say if you don't like

0:55the weather in New England go back where

0:57you came from uh I don't think that's

0:59the expression yeah I guess I had one

1:01too many Bloody Marys this morning but

1:03anyway

1:04oh God I hope the boss isn't watching

1:08well Tom the city of Boston is examining

1:11its conscience tonight in preparation

1:12for a visit from the pope that's right

1:14Diane and I'll tell you what else will

1:16be examined this [ __ ] yes the Rhode

1:18Island [ __ ] Society will be sponsoring

1:20free checkups for this year's [ __ ]

1:22awareness week I don't know why they

1:23went with such a suggestive name they

1:25could have just as easily gone with

1:26rooster diet

1:27and now part two of our very own Asian

1:30correspondent Trisha takanawa's Special

1:32Report on sex Tom I'm standing in the

1:35bedroom of Judy and Glenn Isaacs 10

1:38years married and still in love what's

1:41their secret Judy has an inoperable

1:43brain tumor the size of my fist and that

1:46just happens to be Glenn's fetish

1:48and now part three of Asian

1:50correspondent Trisha takanau is Special

1:52Report on sex thank you Diane sex some

1:57people have it anonymously what kind of

2:00person would do that you might ask well

2:02I'm about to find out I just picked up a

2:06complete stranger in a hotel bar and

2:08he's in the bathroom right now possibly

2:11doing drugs watch as I have sex with

2:15this potentially dangerous man as we

2:17take you in depth and undercover I've

2:20never had a Spanish chick before

2:23good evening I'm Diane Simmons a

2:26stunning development tonight is O.J

2:27Simpson is proven innocent we have the

2:30identity of the real killer but first

2:32it's fall the time of year when the

2:34leaves turn that pretty purpley orange

2:36and Quahog prepares for its annual

2:37Harvest Festival Parade Asian reporter

2:40Trisha Takanawa joins us live from the

2:42ceremony where they're choosing this

2:43year's theme Trisha Diane behind me are

2:461 000 beautiful doves gently tied to

2:49each of their delicate legs as a parade

2:51theme suggested by ordinary citizens of

2:54Quahog and here to pick this year's

2:56winning theme is Ten Commandments star

2:58Charlton Heston let my pigeons go

3:04he nailed one we have our theme

3:08and the Harvest Festival Parade theme is

3:11the episode of who's The Boss where Tony

3:15sees Angela naked in the shower welcome

3:17to the 83rd annual Quahog Harvest

3:19Festival Parade are you as excited as I

3:22am Tom are you kidding Diane I've got

3:24wood and clipped onto this piece of wood

3:26is a list of this year's float entries

3:28remember the float that best captures

3:30this year's theme wins quahog's coveted

3:33golden clam our top story tonight the

3:35rules of death no longer apply that's

3:37right Tom our own Asian reporter Trisha

3:40Takanawa filed this report all by

3:42yourself I'm here with Peter Griffin the

3:45man who claims he withstood a barrage of

3:48bullets and did not die Peter are you

3:51saying that if I shoot you in the head

3:53with this Channel 5 pistol you'll be

3:56completely unharmed why don't you uh

3:58give it a shot

4:01okay here it goes

4:06what have I done

4:09oh you're awful

4:13fascinating story Tom it sure is Diane

4:16and since the laws of death no longer

4:18apply I can do this

4:22that's right Tom

4:25and that was time for sports

4:28this is an Action News 5 News break I'm

4:30Tom Tucker and I'm Diane Simmons Tom has

4:33dared me to do the news topless I've got

4:35the goods but have I got the guts find

4:37out at 11. and if you're settling in to

4:39watch Gumble to Gumble you're out of

4:41luck that show has been canceled the

4:43whole story at maybe Diane's boobs

4:44tonight at 11. our lead story tonight

4:47Pictoria a new foreign country which was

4:49founded this week right here in our own

4:51backyard and in a Quahog News 5

4:53exclusive we sent our own little

4:55Foreigner Asian correspondent Trisha

4:57Takanawa to Victoria where first lady

4:59Lois Griffin has graciously agreed to

5:02give us a tour of her country Trisha

5:04thank you Diane so Mrs Griffin what's it

5:07like being the woman behind the man well

5:10you know when Peter first said we were

5:12our own country that was a bit skeptical

5:14but then I thought hey I could be like

5:16Hillary Clinton only you know without

5:19the penis tell us a little bit about

5:21your country well we're a clean

5:24industrious people mostly white my son

5:27Chris is in charge of our space program

5:29we hope to get to the moon very shortly

5:32being outside the U.S putorian border as

5:34the sun rises on day one of Operation

5:36Desert clam

5:38good morning I'm Diane Simmons we now go

5:40to Tom Tucker live at the site of the US

5:42blockade Tom Diane I'm here at the

5:45Victorian front where the U.S has cut

5:47off electricity water and gas to the

5:49tiny four-bedroom Republic the situation

5:51is very tense and extremely dangerous

5:53it's only a matter of time before uh oh

5:56my God they've all been fire

5:58it looks like things are getting very

5:59heated here

6:01is not a safe place to be

6:08and now Sports Pawtucket pad has placed

6:11four silver squirrels and four random

6:13beers each lucky scroll winner and a

6:15guest of their choice will take a

6:17magical tour of the brewery and walk

6:18away with a lifetime supply of beer

6:22what don't complain this is actually

6:24making you look attractive we interrupt

6:27this program to bring you a special

6:28bulletin on the approach of hurricane

6:29Norman here with an update is Greg the

6:32weathermime

6:33okay it's going to be cold very cold and

6:37and there's going to be wind and

6:39people's parents will throw fecal matter

6:41down on them from the rooftops how awful

6:44oh no I'm sorry that's that's rain yes

6:48it'll rain well hurricane Norman is

6:51beginning to pound Quahog we now go live

6:53to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for a

6:56look at how locals are dealing with the

6:57imminent disaster Trisha Diane I'm

7:00hearing thank you Trisha stay tuned for

7:04further our top story The clamshead Pub

7:07has burned to the ground our own Trisha

7:09Takanawa is on the scene is Quahog in

7:12the grip of a serial arsonist police say

7:15no but our producer says yes here's an

7:18artist's depiction of what the arsonist

7:20might look like anyone with information

7:23regarding the suspect should contact

7:25Quahog police immediately one thing is

7:28certain the pain here is palpable for

7:32many this charred portrait of Elizabeth

7:34II gives poignant new meaning to the

7:37phrase hey check out that flaming Queen

7:40in a late-breaking development the

7:42police have a new suspect we now go live

7:44to Hispanic reporter Maria

7:47jimin Jimenez I Know What It Is Well Tom

7:50at this moment we're approaching the

7:52suspect's house