Full transcript
0:00and now back to action news 5. our top
0:03story tonight when toys attack quite a
0:05situation we've got here Tom what a
0:07situation we've got here Tom indeed
0:08Diane it seems the happy-go-lucky toy
0:10company of Quahog Rhode Island has
0:12released several highly unsafe toy
0:14products into the retail Market come on
0:16Timmy throw the silly ball
0:19oh boy a pound poochie
0:22come on baby hindlick spit it out
0:27because of an accident today at the
0:28Quahog cable company all television
0:30transmission will be out for an
0:31undetermined amount of time of course no
0:34one can see this news program so it
0:35doesn't really matter what we say I'm
0:37the Lord Jesus Christ the think I'll go
0:39get drunk and beat up some midgets how
0:41about you Diane well Tom I just plain
0:43don't like black people you guys we're
0:46still on in Boston
0:49good morning Quahog well the heat wave
0:51has finally broken Tom it sure has Diane
0:54you know what they say if you don't like
0:55the weather in New England go back where
0:57you came from uh I don't think that's
0:59the expression yeah I guess I had one
1:01too many Bloody Marys this morning but
1:03anyway
1:04oh God I hope the boss isn't watching
1:08well Tom the city of Boston is examining
1:11its conscience tonight in preparation
1:12for a visit from the pope that's right
1:14Diane and I'll tell you what else will
1:16be examined this [ __ ] yes the Rhode
1:18Island [ __ ] Society will be sponsoring
1:20free checkups for this year's [ __ ]
1:22awareness week I don't know why they
1:23went with such a suggestive name they
1:25could have just as easily gone with
1:26rooster diet
1:27and now part two of our very own Asian
1:30correspondent Trisha takanawa's Special
1:32Report on sex Tom I'm standing in the
1:35bedroom of Judy and Glenn Isaacs 10
1:38years married and still in love what's
1:41their secret Judy has an inoperable
1:43brain tumor the size of my fist and that
1:46just happens to be Glenn's fetish
1:48and now part three of Asian
1:50correspondent Trisha takanau is Special
1:52Report on sex thank you Diane sex some
1:57people have it anonymously what kind of
2:00person would do that you might ask well
2:02I'm about to find out I just picked up a
2:06complete stranger in a hotel bar and
2:08he's in the bathroom right now possibly
2:11doing drugs watch as I have sex with
2:15this potentially dangerous man as we
2:17take you in depth and undercover I've
2:20never had a Spanish chick before
2:23good evening I'm Diane Simmons a
2:26stunning development tonight is O.J
2:27Simpson is proven innocent we have the
2:30identity of the real killer but first
2:32it's fall the time of year when the
2:34leaves turn that pretty purpley orange
2:36and Quahog prepares for its annual
2:37Harvest Festival Parade Asian reporter
2:40Trisha Takanawa joins us live from the
2:42ceremony where they're choosing this
2:43year's theme Trisha Diane behind me are
2:461 000 beautiful doves gently tied to
2:49each of their delicate legs as a parade
2:51theme suggested by ordinary citizens of
2:54Quahog and here to pick this year's
2:56winning theme is Ten Commandments star
2:58Charlton Heston let my pigeons go
3:04he nailed one we have our theme
3:08and the Harvest Festival Parade theme is
3:11the episode of who's The Boss where Tony
3:15sees Angela naked in the shower welcome
3:17to the 83rd annual Quahog Harvest
3:19Festival Parade are you as excited as I
3:22am Tom are you kidding Diane I've got
3:24wood and clipped onto this piece of wood
3:26is a list of this year's float entries
3:28remember the float that best captures
3:30this year's theme wins quahog's coveted
3:33golden clam our top story tonight the
3:35rules of death no longer apply that's
3:37right Tom our own Asian reporter Trisha
3:40Takanawa filed this report all by
3:42yourself I'm here with Peter Griffin the
3:45man who claims he withstood a barrage of
3:48bullets and did not die Peter are you
3:51saying that if I shoot you in the head
3:53with this Channel 5 pistol you'll be
3:56completely unharmed why don't you uh
3:58give it a shot
4:01okay here it goes
4:06what have I done
4:09oh you're awful
4:13fascinating story Tom it sure is Diane
4:16and since the laws of death no longer
4:18apply I can do this
4:22that's right Tom
4:25and that was time for sports
4:28this is an Action News 5 News break I'm
4:30Tom Tucker and I'm Diane Simmons Tom has
4:33dared me to do the news topless I've got
4:35the goods but have I got the guts find
4:37out at 11. and if you're settling in to
4:39watch Gumble to Gumble you're out of
4:41luck that show has been canceled the
4:43whole story at maybe Diane's boobs
4:44tonight at 11. our lead story tonight
4:47Pictoria a new foreign country which was
4:49founded this week right here in our own
4:51backyard and in a Quahog News 5
4:53exclusive we sent our own little
4:55Foreigner Asian correspondent Trisha
4:57Takanawa to Victoria where first lady
4:59Lois Griffin has graciously agreed to
5:02give us a tour of her country Trisha
5:04thank you Diane so Mrs Griffin what's it
5:07like being the woman behind the man well
5:10you know when Peter first said we were
5:12our own country that was a bit skeptical
5:14but then I thought hey I could be like
5:16Hillary Clinton only you know without
5:19the penis tell us a little bit about
5:21your country well we're a clean
5:24industrious people mostly white my son
5:27Chris is in charge of our space program
5:29we hope to get to the moon very shortly
5:32being outside the U.S putorian border as
5:34the sun rises on day one of Operation
5:36Desert clam
5:38good morning I'm Diane Simmons we now go
5:40to Tom Tucker live at the site of the US
5:42blockade Tom Diane I'm here at the
5:45Victorian front where the U.S has cut
5:47off electricity water and gas to the
5:49tiny four-bedroom Republic the situation
5:51is very tense and extremely dangerous
5:53it's only a matter of time before uh oh
5:56my God they've all been fire
5:58it looks like things are getting very
5:59heated here
6:01is not a safe place to be
6:08and now Sports Pawtucket pad has placed
6:11four silver squirrels and four random
6:13beers each lucky scroll winner and a
6:15guest of their choice will take a
6:17magical tour of the brewery and walk
6:18away with a lifetime supply of beer
6:22what don't complain this is actually
6:24making you look attractive we interrupt
6:27this program to bring you a special
6:28bulletin on the approach of hurricane
6:29Norman here with an update is Greg the
6:32weathermime
6:33okay it's going to be cold very cold and
6:37and there's going to be wind and
6:39people's parents will throw fecal matter
6:41down on them from the rooftops how awful
6:44oh no I'm sorry that's that's rain yes
6:48it'll rain well hurricane Norman is
6:51beginning to pound Quahog we now go live
6:53to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for a
6:56look at how locals are dealing with the
6:57imminent disaster Trisha Diane I'm
7:00hearing thank you Trisha stay tuned for
7:04further our top story The clamshead Pub
7:07has burned to the ground our own Trisha
7:09Takanawa is on the scene is Quahog in
7:12the grip of a serial arsonist police say
7:15no but our producer says yes here's an
7:18artist's depiction of what the arsonist
7:20might look like anyone with information
7:23regarding the suspect should contact
7:25Quahog police immediately one thing is
7:28certain the pain here is palpable for
7:32many this charred portrait of Elizabeth
7:34II gives poignant new meaning to the
7:37phrase hey check out that flaming Queen
7:40in a late-breaking development the
7:42police have a new suspect we now go live
7:44to Hispanic reporter Maria
7:47jimin Jimenez I Know What It Is Well Tom
7:50at this moment we're approaching the
7:52suspect's house