Full transcript
0:04hey there everybody and welcome to this video on how to admit when you were wrong
0:08i'm your host dr donnelly snipes
0:13why is it so hard to admit when we are wrong well admitting when we're wrong makes us feel
0:21vulnerable it says i'm not perfect psychologists have found that we often attach our sense of self
0:28to an idea so our values about what is right and wrong if i do something bad then i am bad if i
0:38make a mistake then i am stupid or or what have you so it's important to unhook from that and
0:47be more specific if i do something bad then i made a bad choice doesn't mean i am a bad person
0:58another reason it's so hard is because when we do something that goes against
1:02our concept of ourself as being kind or smart or whatever it creates cognitive dissonance
1:11so i believe i'm a smart person
1:16but i was wrong that doesn't that doesn't jive i can't be smart and be wrong at the same time
1:21you could argue that point but we'll use that for the example um or sam is dumb
1:28i believe sam is dumb and sam is right oh i can't in my mind i can't make all that work where
1:38somebody i think is dumb is right about something that i'm wrong about that doesn't work with me so
1:45we've talked in other videos about assimilation and accommodation when we get information that
1:51doesn't fit our expectations our brain has to do some mental gymnastics and when we're wrong
2:00that situation is occurring there are some mental gymnastics that have to
2:05uh have to occur because it just what happened does not compute other examples
2:12i'm a nice person but i was rude how can i be a nice person and be rude and and think about it
2:19i mean most nice people that we know occasionally do something that comes
2:24off as rude you know you don't you fail to hold the door for somebody or something
2:29sam is unpleasant and but he was nice today that doesn't jive so this must be an anomaly
2:37this is cognitive dissonance when something happens that we don't believe to be true we
2:43may hold on to our truth very doggedly and refuse to admit that you know what
2:50maybe sam's actually not that unpleasant maybe the last three times i interacted with him
2:57he just was having a bad day or maybe i brought it out in him who knows
3:03i'm intuitive you know i am really good at understanding what's going on oh but i didn't
3:10see that coming it's hard to admit when something catches us off guard i really want this to be
3:19true but it's not so and and some people will go to great lengths if there's something that they
3:28really passionately want to be true and it's not they may try to find every um scrap of evidence
3:38to support their theory and try to magnify that as much as possible because it's something that they
3:46really they have an emotional connection to and they don't want to be sad
3:53attribution reframing is something that we can do that can make it easier
3:58to admit when we're wrong a lot of times when people have difficulty admitting when
4:04they're wrong their attributions are global stable and internal so what i'm i'm wrong
4:13so that must mean i'm wrong about everything stable i'm wrong about everything all the time and
4:21internal it has to do with me i'm a dumb person or i'm not able to make good decisions and some
4:30people were told that when they were younger some people received a lot of criticism and that is the
4:38self-talk that they internalized what can help is if we evaluate the facts in the situation
4:46unhook from it put it out here and instead of being global i do this all the time i'm rude
4:54all the time recognize it's a specific incident i was rude to somebody today it's changeable
5:03i don't have to be rude to people again i could be more mindful of what's going on around me
5:09and it's external just because i did something that was rude doesn't mean i'm a rude person and
5:19reframing that can help us feel less attached and attacked when we admit that we are wrong
5:31people who have difficulty admitting when they're wrong often use cognitive distortions the first
5:37one and maybe the worst one is mind reading if i admit i'm wrong then this person is going to think
5:47fill in the blank so think about times when you have refused to admit you were wrong
5:55what were you assuming the other person would think if you admitted your your mistake and this
6:01is especially true if you refuse to admit you're wrong you know you're wrong but you refuse to
6:07admit it you're like no not going to go there so what are your assumptions what are you assuming is
6:13going to happen if you admit you're wrong another cognitive distortion is called catastrophizing
6:21if i admit i made a mistake i will get fired or severely punished for example and it's important
6:28to examine this from a fact-based point of view whatever the mistake was what are the facts
6:38about what is probable to happen i've worked in behavioral health community mental health centers
6:45for a long time and we have things called sentinel events and that's when a big mistake is made
6:51you know somebody's given the wrong medication or something happens this is a big big deal
6:58but the accrediting agencies and the powers that be recognized that if people were afraid to admit
7:07they were wrong then we couldn't learn from the mistakes to prevent them from happening again
7:12so a lot of agencies have what i call a no-fault policy you know when something
7:20happens you need to report that it happened so we can fix it and look at the procedure
7:26to keep it from happening again and if it wasn't a willful thing then
7:35most of the time you won't get in trouble and i say most of the time because i can't speak for
7:40every agency but that was the case at the agencies that i worked at and it was made it a lot easier
7:50for me to admit when i was wrong and i had a great boss too and i remember many times
7:58many times over the course of 14 years walking into his office and going richard i screwed up
8:04and he he wouldn't get upset he wouldn't get flustered he'd just kind of shake his head and go
8:10okay how are you gonna fix it there was no yelling there was no screaming there was no
8:16well how can you be a supervisor if you did this he's just like okay how you gonna fix it
8:24and sometimes i know that he actually knew ahead of time
8:29because i would go in there and i'd say richard i screwed up and he'd go yeah i know
8:34so what are you gonna do about it so he wasn't coming to me he wasn't berating me
8:39he was giving me the opportunity to have the courage to come to him and go i made a mistake
8:46and that was really important for developing trust in our among our team so for catastrophizing yes
8:57when you make a mistake at work or whatever could you get fired possibly what are the facts in the
9:06situation and what are the probable consequences of what's going to happen all or none thinking
9:14is the third and last one we're going to talk about in terms of cognitive distortions for this
9:21people who have difficulty admitting they're wrong often think in all or none terms i'm either right
9:28or i'm wrong there's no in between there's no maybe i'm partially right
9:34or maybe we both can be right it's all or none there um
9:40thoughts that go along with this include i know i'm right and i will not consider others
9:45may also be right no not even going to consider that option so i would ask you to consider
9:53how could you both be right how could your opinion be correct and their opinion be correct
10:00as my son would say from a certain point of view and what does it mean to you if they are right
10:09some people have difficulty allowing others to be right because then they feel vulnerable they
10:16feel like people know things that they don't which makes them less powerful or vulnerable
10:25negative self-talk also triggers the fight-or-flight response which makes
10:28people double down on proving that they are right just to save face to save their power
10:35uh when we admit that we are wrong then sometimes we may be admitting uh that we failed at something
10:46i i made a mistake i failed to do something right i failed to know or provide correct information
10:53therefore i'm worried that people will think that i'm stupid you know so there it's i am again so
10:59it's that internal we need to unhook from it and people may think that you made a really
11:05unfortunate choice but they will be looking at the choice not the person
11:14some people fear that if they admit failure they will be rejected or abandoned
11:19they think things like people will not like trust or respect me if i make mistakes so i
11:24need to make sure that i look better than i really am i'm gonna put on this facade
11:29or people will ridicule me if i make a mistake they will
11:38basically try to take me down a peg so to speak or some people fear loss of control
11:45people will think i'm not competent if i can't control what other people think about me
11:49if i can't know that they're going to think i'm competent and worthy and all this stuff then
11:56that's terrifying to me this is especially true in people who have low self-esteem and they require
12:04other people to provide them validation if they fear rejection if they fear loss of the ability
12:12to control everybody around them that's terrifying because that means those people may not provide
12:18them the um validation that they need another common thought is if i apologize i'm giving my
12:29power to that other person and yeah you kind of are you're saying i'm not going to stand up here
12:36on my pedestal i'm going to step down off of it and acknowledge that you were right or that i was
12:44wrong or both so that is a changing the power dynamic where you acknowledge what's going on
12:58sometimes it isn't that it's difficult to admit you're wrong but you refuse to admit somebody else
13:04is right and i want you to think about times when you have had difficulty admitting you were wrong
13:11you knew you were you knew you were wrong but gosh darn it you were not
13:16going to let that other person have the win you were not going to admit
13:22that they knew something you didn't or they did something better than you did
13:28what feelings does it trigger in you when people say let's agree to disagree that's one that kind
13:36of makes my skin crawl somebody in my past used to say that and they said it went in a very passive
13:43aggressive manner a very condescending manner okay fine let's just agree to disagree
13:49the implied message was i'm right you're wrong but i'm not going to argue about it with you and that
14:00always triggered my fight-or-flight response more more likely the fight response because of
14:07the tone of condescension not because they had a different opinion but the tone of condescension so
14:16for some people it's hard to agree to disagree because they hear somebody in their past saying
14:25that in a condescending tone but again what does it mean to you if you respect someone
14:36and that's part of assertiveness assertiveness means my values opinions thoughts etc are valid
14:42just as valid as your thoughts opinions needs wants etc we are our stuff is equally valid
14:52so why can't we agree to disagree why if i have an opinion about something and you have
14:58an opinion about something i acknowledge that yours is valid from your point of view mine's
15:03valid from my point of view and you know we don't necessarily need to change one another's mind
15:15why do you think you need to be right good or perfect
15:19you know why is it so hard to admit when you're wrong why is it so scary why do you need to be
15:27right all the time and it's different for every person
15:34so what to do well think about how were mistakes handled when you were growing up
15:40so let's first start with your mistakes when you made a mistake as a child what was
15:46how was it handled were you punished for making mistakes were you punished for doing things wrong
15:52did your parents treat it as an opportunity for growth you know you came to me you told me your
15:57mistake so let's figure out how to fix it or were you taught never admit just blame and reframe
16:04never admit mistakes um lie manipulate do whatever you have to do you know so what
16:11messages did you receive growing up from your caregivers um and sometimes the caregiver i
16:17mean the caregivers are not gonna say you know blame your sister for it but
16:24the way your parents responded to you when you admitted mistakes shaped how you handle mistakes
16:34henceforth so if they punished you severely or they told you how disappointed they were and
16:42continued to bring it up six months a year later the mistake that you made well then you might
16:48learn from that never admit mistakes because it's just gonna keep coming back and biting you
16:53in the butt um however if they acknowledged your mistakes like my old boss did and said all right
17:03you're screwed up you're human what are you going to do to fix it
17:06then you may have a whole different outlook and approach at handling mistakes
17:15now let's talk about your parents mistakes because we learn based on our personal experiences but we
17:21also learn by observation so when your parents made mistakes your caregivers made mistakes
17:28how did they handle it did they lie about it did they blame and reframe in order to
17:36avoid having to admit their mistake or did they admit it and use it as an opportunity for growth
17:45or i guess the third option did they admit it
17:49make them say they were sorry for it and then do it again 17 more times
17:53you know it's important to recognize that if we admit a mistake we need to learn from it
18:00when you were growing up how were your differences of opinion handled if you thought that
18:08it was appropriate to go to bed at nine and your parents thought it was
18:11appropriate for you to go to bed at seven you know it was a difference of opinion
18:16and you made your case for why you should get to stay up till nine how was that handled if you
18:22had a difference of opinion from your parents if you had a difference of opinion as you got older
18:28and when you're going through your teenage years and you're individuating as erickson would say
18:35you will have differences of opinion from your parents about you know a whole host
18:42of things and how how is that handled if you have a difference of opinion
18:49i'll use the example of my daughter went through a period where she wanted to try
18:54out different hairstyles and different hair colors and did i like it not so much however
19:05it was important for her to be able to experience that would i dye my hair blue no
19:12but she wanted to do it so you know she experienced that
19:19so it's important to examine you know how did your parents react how did your caregivers react
19:26if you admitted dissension which in their opinion meant you were admitting you were wrong
19:36when you were growing up did your family warn you to keep secrets even though you knew things were
19:41not right for example if your house had substance abuse in it a lot of times there's a mantra don't
19:49talk don't trust don't feel in the addicted family because the whole goal is to paint this facade
19:57of perfection we can't admit anything's wrong everything's good here thank you very much same
20:04thing if there's domestic violence or maybe there was drug dealing or something else nefarious going
20:10on and you knew it was wrong and you were warned to keep it a secret um you felt it was wrong and
20:20but you couldn't tell anybody you couldn't admit that something wrong was going on in your family
20:29think of a time when you were or might have been wrong what are you afraid of if you admit you're
20:36wrong you know just think about it real quick what's the first thing that pops into your head
20:42when you think about a time when you you were wrong and and i ask you what are you afraid of if
20:50you admit you're wrong what's the first thing that pops into your head okay that gives you an idea
20:56what automatic beliefs do you have that tell you to fight instead of compromise or admit
21:04you're wrong write each of those beliefs down and then dispute them so for example you may
21:10have this automatic belief i'm not going to let them have the satisfaction of knowing they were
21:15right then you can dispute that you know what is the benefit to that and why is it that i refuse to
21:25let to acknowledge their correctness apologizing is a sign of weakness and i will not be weak
21:35people who've experienced trauma as well as people who have been told this in their family of origin
21:43may have difficulty admitting weakness because they equate weakness with lack
21:48of control and being victimized so some people may doggedly hold on to their beliefs because
21:58it helps them feel in control another thought could be they will use it against me
22:05and that without evidence is mind-reading if you assume somebody's going to use it against you now
22:12if you've got evidence that they're going to use it against you that's a whole different ball game
22:17but in general when we admit our mistakes people feel respected they feel grateful that
22:27you were willing to acknowledge your mistake and had the courage to actually you know take that
22:36step to admit it or you could be in a position where you're in power you're you're the parent
22:44you're the adult you're the smart one of the group uh therefore i cannot be wrong oh gosh
22:51well what what does it mean if you're wrong what does it mean if somebody else in the group who
22:57you don't think is as smart as you are or uh is right what does it mean if you're a parent
23:05and you make a mistake and your kid calls you out on it um been there done that um
23:13what does it mean as a parent if you admit to your child you know what you're right i i
23:18screwed up what does that mean to you what does that feel like even thinking about saying that
23:26think of a time when you were right and somebody else was wrong now this
23:30one's easy to think about because you like thinking about when you're right
23:34what thoughts did you have about the person that was wrong
23:39there are their beliefs and then there's the person you may have thought their beliefs were
23:43wrong and ill-advised to use a nice phrase but what did you think about the person did you think
23:51that they were um ill-advised how did you respond to them they were wrong so did you berate them
24:02did you um use socratic questioning to try to help them understand your point of view or
24:09what did you do the way you respond to others when they're wrong
24:15is often how you expect them to respond in turn so if when other people are wrong you berate them
24:22and you think ill of them then you probably assume they're going to do the same back to you
24:30how do you want them to respond to you so if somebody else is wrong
24:35how do you want them to respond to you when you point out their when you provide them constructive
24:44feedback we'll call it that um you know a lot of times we want peop we don't want people to
24:51get angry we want people to hear it from the place of nurturance that it comes how did the
25:01person respond to you so remember you were right they were wrong how did you handle it
25:07and how did they respond to you what did you learn about admitting mistakes from that interaction
25:17reimagine your relationship with being wrong being wrong adds knowledge
25:24scientists doctors you know we see this all the time i think it was benjamin franklin but
25:30i could be wrong who said every failure just teaches me one more way not to do something
25:37so we can make mistakes we can be wrong a scientist may say i think that xyz causes cancer
25:45scientists does the experiment and finds out that they're wrong the null hypothesis was proven
25:51correct they were wrong okay well we know that this in this condition this doesn't cause cancer
25:59i was wrong now does that mean the person is stupid no does it mean that the
26:07premise was flawed possibly but it doesn't mean that the the scientist is a bad person or stupid
26:16i remember the show house that was on many many years ago
26:20and house was a very curious diagnostician but he usually got the diagnosis wrong three or four
26:28times before he found the right um right diagnosis but people like fawned all over him and said how
26:37brilliant he was and you're thinking you know what but he made like four misdiagnoses first
26:46it helps us understand that it's okay to be wrong especially if we if we learn from it
26:54making a mistake or being wrong is situation specific just because i make a mistake today
27:01doesn't mean i have to make it tomorrow just because i make a mistake today doesn't mean
27:06it doesn't change who i am as a person it means i made a bad choice it doesn't mean i'm a bad person
27:15how might it improve your relationships to admit mistakes remember i said a lot
27:21of times people feel respected and um cared about when you admit your mistakes
27:28when you admit you're wrong they're like thank you part of that is because you are
27:37again stepping down off that pedestal so the power dynamic is a little bit more equal
27:42but part of that also is because they may feel less of a need to try to fight against you to
27:54try to defend against you because you're not attacking them anymore you're working with them
28:00you're synergizing how does doggedly holding on to something that is clearly wrong you know
28:07you even you can see that it's wrong but you're holding on to it you're like well i i already
28:12said this cat's already out of the bag i can't go back now how does that increase your stress
28:23when we are wrong it's an opportunity to learn and expand our field of view
28:28what else might be causing cancer remember i said we determined xyz doesn't cause it
28:34so what else might be causing cancer that encourages us to encourages us to get curious
28:40it encourages us to ask what did i miss if you did something and you were rude to somebody
28:48what vulnerabilities did you have preceding the episode get curious i'm not a rude person so
28:55why did i respond that way open up your field of view look backwards
29:00linehan calls it backwards chaining actually they call it backwards chaining and behavior analysis
29:07too but look back and see what vulnerabilities did you have leading up to that maybe you were
29:15your blood sugar was low maybe you didn't sleep well maybe you were too hyped up on caffeine
29:20what things might have contributed to you acting in a way that's not consistent with your values
29:30what vulnerabilities led to the mistake remember i said in in hospitals vulnerabilities
29:40in the process can lead to sentinel incidents so what things led to this mistake uh what processes
29:51might have led to this mistake how can you do better so you don't make the mistake again
29:58and if you're having a difference of opinion with people on something even if it involves facts
30:07is it possible that you both can be right in what way can you both be right
30:16other steps get support it's always helpful before even before you admit a mistake
30:22to call a friend and go i've got to go eat some crow right now
30:28swallow your pride that's whatever you want to call it but it can be helpful to get
30:33support ahead of time and support afterwards especially if the person doesn't respond well
30:39unhook the mistake from your core self i made a mistake or i'm wrong about this
30:46it doesn't mean that i'm dumb as a person or i'm a bad person it means in this particular instance
30:56i was wrong remember people's reactions to you are more about them than they're about you if
31:04they reject you because you made a mistake what does that say about them what might be
31:10prompting that or if they won't accept your apology what does that say about them and and
31:19i'll give you a hint it's their fight-or-flight response so they don't feel safe for some reason
31:26learn from your mistakes repeat offenses are harder to forgive
31:32we see this a lot for example in substance abuse counseling where people relapse and
31:41they admit they were they made a mistake they admit they were wrong
31:45what they thought they could do or what they thought they could handle
31:49and they learned from it but if they keep making that same mistake and keep relapsing for that
31:55same reason then eventually people will quit feeling like there's any authenticity to their
32:03admissions or apologies when you're wrong you often feel shame and guilt
32:10mindfully notice how it feels to admit mistakes instead of hiding them or keeping secrets
32:19so if you know you're wrong that can prompt feelings of shame and guilt so now not only do you
32:26have to keep the secret because you know you're wrong but you can't admit it but you've also got
32:30to deal with the shame and guilt associated with being wrong so how might it feel to
32:38admit you were wrong and be willing to learn from it admit you're human oh my gosh
32:47it is not easy for anyone to admit they're wrong mistakes provide an opportunity for growth and
32:53learning admitting mistakes allows others the opportunity to help you learn so that's
32:59another reframe that you can look at you know if i admit a mistake like when i used to admit
33:04mistakes to richard um he would say okay you know you're a new supervisor or you're a new
33:11clinician let's figure out how to prevent this from happening in the future and let me tell you
33:18from my years of experience what's worked for me and in substance abuse recovery we
33:23have a phrase take what's useful and leave the rest he didn't force me to adopt his opinions
33:30but he provided information that i was able to use to figure out how to solve the problem and
33:39prevent it from happening in the future in a way that most nearly corresponded with my self-concept
33:49and admitting mistakes demonstrates respect to others when you are willing to
33:56admit you are wrong and they are right that is showing that you are respecting their cognitive
34:05boundaries you're not going to go in there and try to change what they think because it doesn't jive
34:09with what you think you are willing to respect their boundaries and even admit that you are wrong
34:19this has been a brief video on admitting mistakes but hopefully it gives you some
34:24things to think about now obviously admitting mistakes again as i said is not easy but
34:32really examine really take some time to think about times when uh you've been wrong and
34:42what were you telling yourself what did you feel in your gut
34:47would happen or what did you fear would happen if you admitted you were wrong thank you for watching