Full transcript
0:00[Music]
0:03i think of romance as more of something
0:06this doesn't sound romantic as i say it
0:09but you can almost think of it as a
0:10habit
0:11that you can cultivate like not
0:14something you just
0:15are like you are just born this
0:17chivalrous night
0:19and i think this with a lot of traits
0:21really
0:22like flirtation or romance do you think
0:25they're
0:26they're just kind of practices we can
0:28learn
0:29yeah well yeah it's just romance is
0:32really
0:33good it's listening isn't it it's
0:36listening
0:37to what people like
0:40or want to experience or or
0:44enjoy in life and then creating a world
0:47where they get more of that
0:50and romance is just going out of your
0:52way to to create a moment or an
0:54experience
0:55for someone you know the reason why in
0:58that last video
0:59the first one and this was jameson's
1:01suggestion i should say
1:02was surprise dessert delivery and the
1:05reason i said
1:06hey don't just do that on like a friday
1:09night like do it
1:10on a night where they wouldn't normally
1:11expect something like that do it on a
1:13monday night where you're both cooked
1:15you're tired from work and then dessert
1:18shows up at the door because you
1:20post mates uber east door dashed
1:24seamless what's the english one
1:28deliveroo deliveroo you know you
1:31you did that you got it delivered to the
1:33door and
1:34it's a moment you're creating a moment
1:37so much of life is about creating a
1:39moment
1:41always ask yourself like what could make
1:43this a moment
1:44because we don't remember the we're not
1:47remembering at the average hour in the
1:49day
1:49i mean honestly ask most people what
1:51they did last weekend they can't tell
1:54you very quickly
1:56they're like oh i mean i'm not sure so
1:58and that doesn't mean you have to live
1:59your life trying to create moments every
2:01hour
2:02but ask yourself like have i created a
2:05moment with someone this week whether
2:07it's a partner a family member a friend
2:09just make a moment because those are the
2:11things you actually remember you don't
2:12remember the majority of every day
2:15and romance to me is good listening
2:18because the kind of moments you create
2:19for someone
2:21are born out of listening to the kinds
2:23of things they really love
2:24or the things that they want to
2:25experience more of and
2:29it's making a decision a conscious
2:31decision
2:33that i'm going to create more moments
2:35that part
2:36isn't always spontaneous spontaneity is
2:40born out of a decision
2:41to create more moments it looks
2:44spontaneous to the other person but
2:45you've consciously decided
2:47i'm going to create more moments for us
2:49yeah it makes me think of that study
2:52that
2:52that came out a while ago that talked
2:54about
2:55how so many great relationships were a
2:58result of
2:59frequency of positive to negative
3:02interactions and that you could great
3:04relationships had some frequency of
3:06something like
3:07five or six positive interactions to
3:09every one
3:10negative one like complaining or a
3:13disagreement and
3:15you know you can almost boil it down to
3:18it's not how we think of things it's
3:19almost like
3:21you know we there are there are peak
3:23moments that get a lot of attention in
3:24life the big success
3:26the big win the time you got the job
3:30the romantic trip but a relationship has
3:33a lot of moments and a lot of time in it
3:36and it is almost really really you want
3:39the chart to have these
3:40constant little spikes throughout you
3:43know throughout the day
3:45throughout the weeks and that kind of
3:46builds the
3:48connection the feeling of affection and
3:50kind of keeps it
3:51constant i agree i feel like most people
3:55in some
3:56cases they go like let it trail off and
3:59off and off and down and then hope for a
4:01massive spike with some big gesture
4:03at some point you can't rely on the
4:05spikes
4:06because it may not be enough to overcome
4:09whatever damage you do the rest of the
4:11time or
4:12whatever however the relationship slowly
4:15meanders into mediocrity
4:19for the rest of the year and then you
4:21think you're going to suddenly dwarf
4:22that by some grandiose moment
4:24but it's not i don't see it like that
4:27great relationships are an accumulation
4:29of little efforts
4:31over time and the more you do it the
4:34more you don't have to do the big grant
4:36you the big grand things are a nice
4:37bonus but you don't have to do them
4:38because your partner or your friend or
4:40your
4:41lover or whatever it is of is aware of
4:44what a lovely
4:45kind considerate interesting person you
4:48are the rest of the time
4:50it's the same as going to the gym you
4:52know it's like how you think you're
4:53like are we going to get a great body
4:55because one day we do a really hard gym
4:57session
4:58no it's just every day do the reps do
5:01the reps in your relationship
5:03why is it that that is seen as a weird
5:06thing like anything to do with practice
5:08in your love life
5:10instantly has a connotation of that's
5:12something weird that's
5:14too optimizing that's too analytical but
5:18but people don't think about that about
5:19nearly anything else i'll tell you why
5:22steve
5:24none of us like to think that we
5:27are on the receiving end of an
5:30insincere and manipulative act
5:34that someone is doing something
5:38simply to get a result from us
5:41not from a place of sincerity that they
5:44are in some way
5:45programming our emotions or clinically
5:48designing our relationship with them
5:51it doesn't fit the fairy tale view of
5:54things are just amazing between
5:55us and it also makes us question
5:59someone's motives but if your motives
6:02are just to make something great and the
6:04reason that you're pouring attention
6:06into a relationship into how i please my
6:09partner
6:10into how i can be a more attractive
6:11person if the reason is because you want
6:14to be your best for someone
6:15that's about as romantic as it gets
6:18there's nothing insincere about that
6:20and when it comes to the word
6:21manipulation tell me what's not
6:23manipulation
6:26right now i know how to use my voice
6:29in a way to create energy in a room for
6:3214 years i've been public speaking so
6:34i know if at some point i want to change
6:37the energy of my public speaking to
6:39create an energy in the room
6:41i can do that is that a manipulation of
6:43course it is
6:45doesn't mean it's insincere it just
6:47means it's
6:48it's an understanding of how human
6:50dynamics work of how energy in a room
6:52works
6:53when someone puts on makeup before a
6:55date because they want to look their
6:56best is that manipulation
6:58when we get good at telling a story
7:01because we've told
7:02it many times and now the next time we
7:03tell it we're really good at telling it
7:04because we've told it a couple of times
7:06is that manipulation
7:08everything's whatever you want to call
7:10it it's all
7:11it's all improvement in the way we come
7:14across in the way we communicate
7:16in the way we do things so i get you
7:18know i get where people are coming from
7:20when they're worried
7:21about the loss of sincerity when you
7:23practice certain ways of being
7:25but if your intentions are good then why
7:27are you worried
7:29my intentions are always good when i'm
7:31coaching people
7:32when i'm on stage and my intention is to
7:35give as
7:36much knowledge as possible to the crowd
7:38that day and to make sure
7:39they go away having had an incr both a
7:42an incredible time they were entertained
7:44and b go away with a wealth of knowledge
7:47wisdom
7:47inside tools that they can use in their
7:49life
7:51the motive is all positive
7:55so what's someone going to say ah you
7:57know i wish you i wish you hadn't
7:59learned how to be an entertaining public
8:01speaker because i feel manipulated
8:04no the intention is to give you a great
8:06time and great knowledge
8:08the fact that i've become good at public
8:10speaking over time
8:11is only a good thing i remember once
8:14when i released that
8:15guide talking about what i perceived to
8:18be your secrets to communication
8:20there were some people who emailed in to
8:23say
8:24oh it seems weird to me now knowing that
8:26matt
8:28did all these things to learn these
8:30skills of being
8:31charismatic on stage i was like do you
8:33know how hard it is to speak on stage
8:35well
8:36oh and be really compelling on camera do
8:39you know how much effort that takes
8:41i'm just really annoyed that this wasn't
8:44the one speech matt had given in his
8:46lifetime
8:48and it and it wasn't gold on its own
8:50it's like go and watch matt's first
8:52youtube videos he's
8:54thankfully better now than he was then
8:57all right no i don't even think they're
8:59bad let me say that
9:01you still will but i'd say i'm saying if
9:04you hadn't moved anywhere in 10 years
9:05that would be more perplexing
9:08i just people people are funny i listen
9:10i actually truly understand both sides
9:12of the coin
9:13none of us want to be on the receiving
9:15end of someone we feel like is using a
9:17tactic on us
9:18right but that's just in all it is is
9:21intention
9:22that's all it is it's all intention
9:25and if your intentions are good and you
9:28get
9:28better with at your people skills over
9:31time
9:32then there's nothing wrong with that
9:34it's just about being more effective
9:36if your intentions are bad that's on you
9:39yeah
9:40i put down three just on this subject of
9:42romance i put down three things
9:44you know if i thought like three things
9:46that make you more romantic in general
9:48and i think it's like
9:49uninhibited is one like being being
9:53more willing to wear your heart on your
9:54sleeve and and say the thing you're
9:57feeling and like the moment you know
9:59make the moment like you say you're
10:00feeling something in the moment like
10:02put it out there and say it take take
10:04the risk
10:05i think second is like paying attention
10:08like you say a lot of your examples
10:10um are about just being really
10:13not just a good listener but then doing
10:15a bit of action based on that that shows
10:17that extra level
10:19of i listened and i've got you something
10:22really cool i've done something
10:23thoughtful
10:24and then the third is um like yeah
10:27spontaneous spontaneous giving like
10:30unexpected
10:30moments and not just waiting for the
10:44occasion
10:46[Music]
10:53you