Full transcript
0:00hello welcome to playful pathways my
0:02name is a Dean if you're a parent who
0:05struggles to set or follow-through on
0:07rules or limits with your kids then this
0:10is the video for you today I'm going to
0:12give you a step-by-step process for
0:14setting and keeping healthy boundaries
0:17in your home so many of the parents that
0:20I work with struggle with boundaries but
0:22I promise if you follow these steps it
0:25will get easier with practice by the
0:27time everyone has gotten into the swing
0:29of it you'll see that loads of those
0:31little daily battles have just
0:33disappeared leaving more room for
0:34playfulness and peace before I get into
0:37it though I just want to say a huge
0:39thank you to those people who've come on
0:41board as supporters on patreon your
0:44financial contributions are helping us
0:46to make more videos and other content
0:49for all of you to enjoy so thank you
0:51very very much
0:52if you think that you would like to
0:54support us and become part of the
0:55playful pathways community then please
0:57have a look at the patreon link below ok
1:00let's talk about boundaries
1:02the earliest boundaries that parents set
1:04are around physical safety
1:06your baby's crawling around and you stop
1:08them from doing a potentially dangerous
1:09thing like eating a coin you say uh-uh
1:12that's not for eating and you say it
1:14again and again and again and eventually
1:16baby learns not to do that thing we're
1:18usually able to follow through on these
1:20things because we can see how important
1:22they are the stakes are really high when
1:24you get in the car the rule is the
1:25seatbelts always have to go on and you
1:27might say we can't go anywhere until
1:29everyone is wearing their seatbelt we're
1:31very clear and consistent about these
1:33sorts of things and what the
1:35consequences will be for not obeying
1:37that rule and as a result children learn
1:39quickly to accept these rules and they
1:41don't become battlegrounds as your child
1:43moves into the toddler years and begins
1:45to learn about what's acceptable or
1:48what's appropriate behavior and what's
1:49not boundary setting can become more
1:52difficult children love to challenge the
1:56rules they are masters are finding
1:58loopholes and weaknesses and it is
2:01exhausting so this is why it's really
2:04important to get comfortable setting
2:06boundaries early on because things that
2:08may not seem like too much of a problem
2:10when your child is only 2 or 3 tantrums
2:13heading not listening these can grow
2:15into big problems by the time your child
2:17is 8 or 9 that being said if you have a
2:20challenging nine-year-old it is never
2:22too late to set boundaries it just might
2:24take you more time and more repetitions
2:26so how do we go about setting these
2:28healthy boundaries well it's all about
2:31clear expectations communicated to your
2:34child so they understand their choices
2:36and the consequences for those choices
2:39when you're setting a boundary with your
2:41child the first step is to get down to
2:44their eye level this really is one of
2:46the most significant things that you can
2:48do whenever you want to communicate
2:49something important to your child
2:50meeting them at their eye level helps
2:53you to connect with them and engage them
2:55and helps them to more easily take on
2:57board the information that you're giving
2:59them once you've met their eye you're
3:01going to clearly communicate the
3:03expectation rule or limit and if there
3:06are any consequences for not meeting
3:08that and you want to try and be as
3:10specific as possible using language that
3:13your child can understand so for example
3:15if they want to play with that toy that
3:17has a million pieces you might say
3:19something like ok you can play with that
3:22toy but when you finish you have to put
3:24all the pieces back into the box and if
3:27you don't we won't be able to go to the
3:29park this afternoon so there I've
3:31clearly communicated my expectation and
3:33the consequence for not meeting that and
3:36whenever I do this I try to be as calm
3:39and as unemotional as possible this is
3:42actually quite important because once
3:45you tip over into that frustration or
3:47that anger zone you're likely to trigger
3:49an emotional response in your child
3:51that's gonna make it harder for them to
3:53hear you and understand what you're
3:54saying
3:55now sometimes children will break a
3:57boundary before you've even had the
4:00chance to set it that's it's natural
4:02because children are led by their
4:04curiosity and playful exploration so
4:06it's inevitable that sometimes you're
4:08going to end up with mischief and mess
4:10so if this has happened and you're
4:11setting a boundary after they've already
4:13broken it then just try to bear in mind
4:16that they may not deliberately have done
4:18that thing that you didn't like your
4:20child might have just gotten carried
4:21away in the experience at the moment and
4:23may not
4:23realized that it wasn't appropriate or
4:25acceptable so if your child has broken a
4:28boundary unintentionally or you can see
4:31them edging towards breaking a boundary
4:33for instance you see them eyeing up your
4:35curtains to make a tent with then this
4:37is the time to give them a calm
4:39explanation or reminder of the rules ah
4:42the curtains aren't for playing with
4:44often that's enough but if they're
4:46really immersed in their play and
4:48they're finding it hard to stop then now
4:50is a good time to offer them something
4:52that they can do instead of what they're
4:54doing so you might say I can see that
4:57you really want to make attend but the
4:59curtains are not for playing with so why
5:02don't we go and get you a sheet that you
5:04can use instead another option would be
5:06to say something like the curtains
5:08aren't for playing with but can you
5:09think of something else that might work
5:11for your game if you can get them to
5:13come up with their own acceptable
5:15alternatives it's even better because
5:17what you're doing is encouraging
5:18problem-solving within the boundaries
5:20that you have said which means they're
5:22going to be much much less likely to
5:23push back against them ok so you've set
5:26those boundaries really clearly now and
5:28perhaps you've even offered an
5:29acceptable alternative and your child
5:31has listened and you're going to live
5:33happily ever after
5:34the end I wish no of course your child
5:39is going to test you for example you may
5:41have asked your child to tidy up their
5:43toys only to return a few minutes later
5:45and they've completely ignored you or
5:47they're refusing this is the time to
5:49restate or remind them of the
5:51expectations and the consequences so in
5:54response you might say something like
5:56it's a tidy up time now remember we will
5:59not be able to go to the playground this
6:00afternoon until all these toys have been
6:02tidied away in doing that I have now
6:05made the child responsible for their
6:07actions what happens from here on in is
6:09dependent upon how they choose to act if
6:11they make a good choice and they do what
6:14you've asked then you should celebrate
6:15that you can say that's great I'm so
6:18glad you changed your mind and decided
6:20to tidy up I think we're gonna have a
6:21great time in the playground this
6:23afternoon but if they still refuse or
6:25they keep pushing that boundary then you
6:27have to follow through with the
6:28consequences and it's really important
6:31that you do this without negotiation and
6:33if your child becomes upset or begins to
6:35throw a tantrum at this
6:36which is quite highly possible then you
6:39have got to try not to be triggered by
6:41that yourself remember that Golden Rule
6:43try to be calm and unemotional as you
6:46tell them and remind them of the clear
6:49choice that they had you might say I can
6:52see that you're really upset about not
6:53being able to go to the park this
6:55afternoon but remember I told you that
6:58if you didn't tidy up all your toys we
6:59wouldn't be able to go and then you
7:02chose not to tidy them up so that means
7:03we can't go to the purpose afternoon
7:05notice how I'm not putting myself in the
7:08middle of it I'm not getting angry I'm
7:10not telling them off I'm just letting
7:11the boundaries and the consequences
7:13speak for themselves I'm also not using
7:16an underlying tone of i-told-you-so
7:18which is really easy to do now not
7:21getting angry or frustrated in these
7:23moments it's a lot easier said than done
7:25it certainly took me a lot of
7:27repetitions and practice to get the hang
7:29of it so don't give yourself a hard time
7:31if it takes a little while if this
7:33process of clear communication and
7:36choices and consequences is new for your
7:38family then it is probably going to take
7:40a little while for you and your child to
7:42get used to it now if in the past the
7:46pattern has been that you say no and
7:48your child responds by becoming louder
7:50or when gia or beginning to throw a
7:52tantrum and then you give in then it's
7:55likely that that's a pattern that will
7:56continue because your child has learned
7:59that it works if this happens and your
8:01child gets upset or they have an
8:03outburst then they might need your
8:05calmness to help them calm down and
8:08that's fine to comfort them and support
8:11them through their disappointment and
8:13frustration but you must not give in or
8:17change the boundary ultimately we all
8:19need to learn how to manage our own
8:21disappointment and frustration but we
8:24can't learn that if the boundaries shift
8:26every time we have a negative response
8:28no one wants their child to grow up to
8:31be that person in the office who has an
8:33adult baby tantrum because they never
8:35learned how to accept not getting their
8:37own way if you say no and stick to it
8:40then eventually your child will learn
8:42that you mean what you say and this is
8:45the most important point of this whole
8:48talk about
8:49trees be a parent who does what they say
8:53they're going to do boundaries are not
8:55just important for physical safety they
8:57are important for emotional safety as
8:59well any time you threaten a consequence
9:02and you don't follow through in it or
9:03you make a promise to your child and you
9:05don't keep it you undermine their trust
9:08in you ultimately this is going to lead
9:11to uncertainty and anxiety and it's
9:13going to mean that they'll test you and
9:15the boundaries that you set even more so
9:18once you've followed all of these steps
9:21and your child is doing the things that
9:24you ask them to the first time or
9:26they've responded really well when
9:28you've reminded them of a rule or
9:29they've accepted that alternative
9:31without battling you on it then it's
9:33really important that you acknowledge
9:35this be descriptive and specific so you
9:39might say thank you so much for tidying
9:42up straightaway when I asked you to you
9:44were really listening to me or you might
9:47say I can see that you were really upset
9:49when your sister drew on your picture
9:51but I love the way that you didn't get
9:53cross and you were very patient and kind
9:55with her really notice the behaviors and
9:58the qualities that you like and tell
10:00your child so that they can hear what
10:03they should be doing not just what they
10:05shouldn't be doing they need this as
10:07well because it'll help them to get a
10:09balanced picture of what it looks like
10:11to be a good person in as much as you
10:14try to be unemotional when you're
10:16setting boundaries when you are
10:18acknowledging good behaviors things that
10:20you like lavish your affection on to
10:23your child and they will be much more
10:25motivated to show you more of it so
10:27those are my top tips for setting and
10:30keeping healthy boundaries if you find
10:32them useful please do let me know in the
10:34comments below and don't forget to
10:35subscribe so you can be notified when
10:38new videos are released if you like what
10:40I'm doing here and you think you might
10:41like to become part of the playful
10:43pathways community then go to my patreon
10:45page where my patrons can download a
10:47handy guide for remembering these points
10:50that's it thanks for watching and I'll
10:52see you soon bye