Full transcript
The Recruit
0:00Level one, the recruit.
0:02You sign the papers at an office in a
0:04strip mall. The recruiter shakes your
0:06hand. He smiles like you just won
0:08something.
0:09You don't know what you won yet.
0:11You're 19 years old. You played football
0:13in high school. You lifted weights in
0:15your garage. You watched every military
0:18movie ever made.
0:20You think you know what you're signing
0:21up for.
0:22You don't.
0:23You fly to Fort Benning for basic
0:25training. They shave your head in the
0:27first hour. They take your clothes and
0:29give you a uniform that doesn't fit.
0:31They scream at you from the moment you
0:32step off the bus. A drill sergeant is 3
0:35in from your face telling you that you
0:37are nothing.
0:38You believe him.
0:40For 10 weeks you do nothing but run,
0:42shoot, march, and suffer.
0:45You learn how to hold a rifle. You learn
0:47how to throw a grenade. You learn how to
0:49survive in a chemical attack.
0:51You graduate.
0:52Your mother cries at the ceremony. You
0:55feel proud for about an hour.
0:57Then you report to Airborne School.
0:59Three weeks of jumping out of airplanes.
1:02Your first jump you are so scared you
1:04almost can't breathe. The jump master
1:06shoves you out the door.
1:08You fall through 1,250
1:10ft of empty air before your parachute
1:13opens. You land hard and you survive.
1:16You do it four more times. You earn your
1:19wings.
1:20You're still not a Green Beret. Not even
1:22close. You're just a paratrooper now. An
1:25infantryman with silver wings on your
1:27chest.
1:28You report to Fort Bragg, North
1:30Carolina. You look at the men with the
1:32Green Berets walking around the base.
1:34They don't look at you. You don't exist
1:36to them yet. You have to earn the right
1:38to exist.
1:40You spend your first year in a regular
1:42infantry unit. You clean rifles you'll
1:44never fire in combat. You stand in
1:46formation in the rain. You save every
1:49dollar of your paycheck. You want to
1:51wear the Green Beret.
1:53You write the request for Special Forces
1:55selection 11 months into your
1:56enlistment.
1:58Your platoon sergeant tells you 90% of
2:00guys like you wash out in the first
2:01week. He tells you to prove him wrong.
2:04You intend to.
The Candidate
2:06Level two, the candidate.
2:08You volunteer for Special Forces
2:10Assessment and Selection. They call it
2:12SFAS. Most people call it Selection.
2:16It's a 3-week course designed to break
2:18you in ways you didn't know you could be
2:20broken.
2:21400 men show up on day one and 150 will
2:25still be there at the end. You will
2:27either be one of them or you won't.
2:30You spend the first week doing physical
2:32fitness tests.
2:33Push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups, timed runs,
2:37a 12-mile ruck march with 45 lb of gear.
2:40They don't tell you the standards and
2:42they don't tell you if you passed. They
2:44just tell you to show up the next
2:45morning.
2:46You spend the second week navigating
2:48through the pine forests of Camp McCall.
2:50You have a map and a compass. You have a
2:52rucksack that weighs 65 lb. You have a
2:55list of points you must reach before a
2:57deadline. The deadline is never
3:00announced.
3:01You walk 20 miles through swamps and
3:03hills with no food breaks and no sleep.
3:05You fall and get up. You fall again and
3:08get up again.
3:10The instructors don't help you. They
3:11don't even look at you. They just write
3:13on clipboards.
3:15Men quit every day. They walk up to the
3:17cadre and say the words,
3:19"I quit." The cadre nods and a truck
3:22appears.
3:23The man who quit climbs in and the truck
3:25drives away.
3:26Nobody says anything.
3:28You keep walking.
3:30Week three is team week. They divide you
3:32into small groups and give you
3:34impossible tasks.
3:35Move a telephone pole across a field.
3:38Carry a dummy patient through a swamp.
3:40Build a raft from barrels and rope. The
3:42tasks don't matter. The cadre are
3:45watching how you work with strangers. Do
3:47you lead or do you follow? Do you
3:49complain or do you quit?
3:52At the end of 3 weeks, they read names
3:54off a list. Your name is on it. You've
3:57been selected, but the hard part hasn't
3:59started yet.
The Qualification Student
4:00Level three, the qualification student.
4:04The Q course is the real thing.
4:0618 months of training designed to turn a
4:08soldier into a Green Beret.
4:10You start with small unit tactics.
4:12You learn how to move through terrain
4:13without being seen.
4:15You learn how to communicate with hand
4:17signals.
4:18You learn how to set up an ambush and
4:19how to survive one.
4:21You live in the field for weeks at a
4:23time.
4:24You eat cold rations and sleep in the
4:26dirt. You never shower.
4:29Then comes your MOS specific training.
4:32You're assigned a specialty.
4:34Weapon sergeant, engineer sergeant,
4:36medical sergeant, or communications
4:38sergeant.
4:39Each specialty has its own school.
4:42Each school is months long and has its
4:44own way of destroying you.
4:46You become a weapon sergeant.
4:49You learn every firearm made in the last
4:51100 years. American rifles, Russian
4:54rifles, Chinese rifles, Belgian rifles.
4:57You learn to operate them, disassemble
4:59them, repair them, teach others to use
5:02them.
5:03You fire thousands of rounds.
5:05Your shoulder bruises black and blue.
5:08Your ears ring constantly.
5:10Then comes language school.
5:12Every Green Beret learns a foreign
5:14language.
5:15You're assigned Arabic.
5:17Six months of intensive study, 8 hours a
5:20day in a classroom. Then 8 more hours of
5:22homework.
5:24You memorize 5,000 vocabulary words. You
5:27learn a new alphabet. You learn to read,
5:29write, and speak well enough to operate
5:32in the Middle East.
5:34Most candidates fail language school and
5:35get recycled.
5:37But you pass.
5:38Then comes Robin Sage, the final
5:41exercise.
5:42A month in the woods of North Carolina.
5:45You're dropped into a simulated country
5:47called Pineland.
5:48Your mission is to train and lead a
5:50guerrilla force of locals against an
5:52oppressive government.
5:54The locals are civilian volunteers
5:56who've been doing this for years. They
5:58test you. They argue with you. They try
6:01to get you to make mistakes.
6:03You eat what they eat and sleep where
6:05they sleep. You teach them tactics and
6:08fight simulated battles with opposing
6:10soldiers playing the enemy.
6:13At the end, you pass or you don't.
6:16You pass.
6:18You return to Fort Bragg. They put a
6:21green beret on your head in a small
6:22ceremony.
6:24Your family is there and your mother
6:25cries again.
6:27This time, you cry, too.
6:30But the beret is just a piece of wool.
6:32What it represents is what matters.
6:35You swore oath when they handed it to
6:37you.
6:38De Oppresso Liber.
6:40To free the oppressed.
6:42The motto is Latin and the mission is
6:44global.
6:46You will go places most Americans will
6:47never hear about.
6:49You will fight wars they will never be
6:51told about.
6:53You will do it all with a team of 11
6:55other men.
6:56Just you, your team, and whatever you
6:59can carry on your back.
The Junior Engineer Sergeant
7:01Level four, the junior engineer
7:03sergeant. You're assigned to an
7:05operational detachment alpha, an ODA. A
7:0812-man team.
7:10This is the basic building block of
7:12special forces.
7:13Two officers, 10 non-commissioned
7:15officers.
7:16Every man is a specialist.
7:18Every man can do every other man's job
7:21in an emergency.
7:22You're the junior engineer sergeant, 18
7:25Charlie.
7:26You build things and blow things up.
7:28Your team deploys to Iraq.
7:30Your first mission is to train a platoon
7:32of Iraqi soldiers.
7:34The Iraqis are supposed to eventually
7:36take over security for their own
7:38country.
7:39That's the theory. The reality is
7:41complicated.
7:42You spend your days at a training camp
7:44outside Baghdad. You teach marksmanship,
7:47room clearing, first aid, and basic
7:49tactics.
7:51The Iraqis are a mix of everything. Some
7:53are eager young men who want to serve
7:55their country.
7:56Some are older veterans who survived
7:58three wars.
8:00Some are infiltrators working for
8:02insurgent groups. You don't know which
8:04is which. You train them anyway.
8:07At night, you go on missions. Your team
8:10and your Iraqi counterparts raid houses
8:12where intelligence says insurgents are
8:14hiding.
8:15You kick in doors. You move through dark
8:18rooms with flashlights mounted on your
8:19rifles.
8:20You find weapons caches buried in
8:22courtyards and IED factories in
8:25abandoned warehouses.
8:27You find families who are terrified and
8:29innocent. And you apologize and leave.
8:32You also find bad men.
8:34You capture some of them.
8:36Others don't want to be captured, and
8:38you do what you have to do.
8:40Your first firefight lasts 30 seconds.
8:43It feels like 30 minutes.
8:45Your team leader takes a round through
8:47his shoulder. You drag him behind cover.
8:50You treat the wound with the training
8:51you got in the Q course.
8:53You call for a medevac helicopter.
8:56He survives. He's back on the team three
8:58months later.
9:00You've earned something you can't name
9:02yet. But the older guys look at you
9:04differently now.
9:05Your deployment extends to nine months.
9:08The platoon you trained turns out to be
9:10half loyal.
9:11Three of them disappeared one night with
9:13their American weapons.
9:15They showed up a week later fighting for
9:17the other side.
9:18Your team sergeant told you this would
9:20happen. You didn't want to believe him.
9:22Now you do.
9:24You spend Christmas in a plywood hut on
9:27a forward operating base.
9:29Your mother sent a package of cookies
9:31that arrived smashed.
9:33You eat the crumbs anyway.
9:35You call her on a satellite phone for 3
9:37minutes. She asks if you're safe. You
9:40tell her everything is fine.
9:42You hang up and listen to mortars
9:44landing 3 km away.
9:46Nothing is fine.
9:48You're learning that fine is a word that
9:50means something different now.
The Senior Weapons Sergeant
9:52Level five, the senior weapons sergeant.
9:55You're on your fourth deployment, two to
9:57Iraq and two to Afghanistan. You've been
9:59promoted. You're the senior weapons
10:01sergeant now, 18 Bravo.
10:04You're the team's expert on everything
10:05that shoots. You're 27 years old. You've
10:08seen more combat than most soldiers in
10:10history.
10:11Your team is deployed to a province in
10:13eastern Afghanistan. Your mission is
10:15village stability operations. You live
10:18among the locals in a small compound in
10:20a village at the end of a dirt road. The
10:22nearest American base is 40 miles away.
10:25Air support is 20 minutes out on a good
10:27day.
10:28You and your 11 teammates are completely
10:30alone.
10:31You drink tea with village elders every
10:33afternoon. You learn their names, their
10:36families, their grievances.
10:38The man on your left lost two sons to
10:40the Taliban. The man on your right lost
10:42his brother to an American airstrike.
10:45Both men are asking you for help. Both
10:47men might betray you tomorrow. You can't
10:50tell which.
10:51You build a relationship anyway. You
10:53train the local police force. You build
10:55a school. You bring in medical supplies.
10:57You pay for a new well.
10:59You do all of this while patrolling for
11:01Taliban fighters who own the mountains
11:03above the village. Every night you hear
11:05them talking on the radio. They know
11:07your names. They know your mothers'
11:09names. They threaten your families back
11:11home through intermediaries. You don't
11:13sleep well.
11:14One night a kid walks up to your gate.
11:17He's maybe 12 years old. He has a letter
11:19from his father. The letter says the
11:21Taliban are moving weapons through a
11:22wadi 3 miles north tomorrow. You verify
11:26the intelligence through other sources.
11:28You plan an ambush.
11:29Your team sets up before dawn. You wait
11:328 hours in 110° heat.
11:35The Taliban arrive.
11:36They have AK-47s and RPGs. The firefight
11:40lasts 4 minutes. You win.
11:43You don't feel anything about winning.
11:44You just call for the helicopter to pick
11:46up the bodies.
11:482 weeks later, your team takes its first
11:49casualty of the deployment. Your junior
11:52medic steps on a pressure plate on a
11:53routine patrol.
11:55The explosion throws him 15 ft. Both his
11:58legs are gone below the knee.
12:00You apply tourniquets that he brought
12:01for someone else.
12:03You ride in the helicopter with him
12:04holding his hand.
12:05He keeps asking about his wife. He keeps
12:08asking if his legs are still there.
12:10You keep telling him the doctors will
12:11fix it. He loses both legs permanently.
12:15He survives.
12:16You visit him at Walter Reed 6 months
12:18later. He thanks you for saving his
12:20life. You don't know what to say to
12:22that.
12:23You finish the deployment. You come
12:25home. Then you start training for the
12:27next one.
The Team Sergeant
12:28Level six, the team sergeant.
12:31You're 32 now. You've been doing this
12:33for 13 years. Your knees hurt every
12:36morning.
12:37Your shoulders pop when you reach for
12:39things. You have tinnitus from too many
12:41explosions.
12:43You've buried three teammates in
12:44national cemeteries across the country.
12:47You're the team sergeant now, 18 Zulu.
12:50The senior enlisted man on an ODA and
12:52the backbone of the team.
12:54The officers come and go. They rotate
12:56through command positions for their
12:57careers. You stay.
13:00You are the institutional knowledge. You
13:03are the father figure.
13:04You are the man who makes the team
13:06function.
13:08You have a team leader, a captain who
13:10outranks you on paper.
13:11But he's 26 years old and this is his
13:14first team.
13:15You've been on five teams before this
13:17one. He listens to you. The good ones
13:19always do.
13:21You plan missions together and make
13:22decisions together.
13:24But when things go wrong, you are the
13:26one the younger guys look at. You manage
13:28the men.
13:30Your weapon sergeant is going through a
13:31divorce. You drink with him at the team
13:33room and listen to him talk about his
13:35wife.
13:36Your medic's father just died of cancer.
13:38You help him arrange emergency leave.
13:41Your junior engineer is a new father.
13:43You give him the advice your own team
13:45sergeant gave you 10 years ago.
13:47The team is a family. You are the head
13:50of the family.
13:52You deploy to Syria.
13:53You work with Kurdish forces against
13:55ISIS.
13:56The conditions are worse than anything
13:58you've seen before.
13:59You live in bombed-out buildings. You
14:01move constantly.
14:03Enemy drones watch you from overhead.
14:06You call in air strikes on targets a
14:07thousand meters from your position.
14:10Buildings disappear in flashes of light.
14:13You direct artillery.
14:14You coordinate with aircraft from six
14:16different countries.
14:18You speak three languages in a single
14:20conversation.
14:21Your Kurdish counterparts call you
14:22brother.
14:23You hope they mean it.
14:25You're pretty sure most of them do.
14:27Some of them don't make it home.
14:29Neither do some of yours.
14:31You lose your weapon sergeant to a
14:32sniper round in Raqqa.
14:34He was 29 years old.
14:36He had a three-year-old daughter named
14:38Emma.
14:39You write the letter to his wife
14:40yourself.
14:41You fly home for the funeral.
14:43You stand next to his grave in a
14:44cemetery in Ohio.
14:46You hand his daughter a folded American
14:48flag.
14:49She doesn't understand what it means.
14:52She asks when Daddy is coming home.
14:54Her mother can't answer. You can't
14:56either.
14:57You sit in the team room with an empty
14:59locker staring at you. You pack his
15:01personal belongings into a box for
15:03shipment to his family.
15:04You find a photograph in his wallet. Him
15:07and Emma at the beach.
15:09You close the lid.
15:10You sit in the dark for a long time.
The Tier One Operator
15:13Level seven, the tier one operator.
15:15Someone taps you on the shoulder. A man
15:17in civilian clothes with a beard and no
15:19insignia.
15:20He asks if you'd like to try out for a
15:22unit he can't name.
15:24You know which unit. Everyone in special
15:26forces knows. Delta Force, the Combat
15:29Applications Group, the Army's Tier 1
15:31unit, the best of the best. The
15:34selection process lasts a month. It
15:36takes place somewhere in the mountains
15:37of West Virginia. It makes SFAS look
15:40like summer camp. 200 candidates start.
15:43A dozen finish.
15:44You're one of them. Then comes the
15:46Operator Training Course. Six months of
15:49the most advanced close-quarters combat
15:51training on the planet. You shoot
15:53thousands of rounds a day. You clear
15:55rooms until you can do it in your sleep.
15:57You practice on shoot houses built
15:58inside airplanes, inside buses, inside
16:01embassy replicas. You learn to shoot
16:03from moving vehicles. You learn to shoot
16:05while hanging from a rope. You learn to
16:07shoot in total darkness using night
16:10vision goggles that cost $60,000 a pair.
16:13You learn things that civilians don't
16:14know can be taught. Your first mission
16:16with the unit is classified. It will be
16:18classified for the rest of your life.
16:20You fly somewhere, you do something, and
16:23you come back. You can't tell your wife
16:25where you went or what you did. She
16:27stopped asking years ago. Your missions
16:29are the ones that other special
16:30operations units can't or won't do.
16:33Hostage rescue deep inside hostile
16:35territory. Snatch and grab operations
16:37against high-value targets.
16:39Counter-terrorism raids in capital
16:41cities of countries that don't
16:42officially have American troops. You
16:45kick in doors at 3:00 a.m. in
16:46neighborhoods where the enemy is
16:47waiting. You don't always know who the
16:49enemy is until you see them. Sometimes
16:52they shoot first, and sometimes you do.
16:54Either way, the mission ends with you
16:56walking out of a building while local
16:58authorities arrive to handle whatever is
17:00left. Your name never appears in any
17:02report that the public will ever see.
17:04You are a ghost in a world of ghosts.
17:07You operate in countries most Americans
17:08can't locate on a map. Yemen, Somalia,
17:12Niger, Mali. Small teams, big
17:15consequences, zero footprint. You fly in
17:18on military transports painted to look
17:20civilian. You land at airfields that
17:22don't appear on commercial charts. You
17:24rendezvous with CIA officers who give
17:26you intelligence packages. You study the
17:28targets for days, then you execute. You
17:31take down a bomb maker in a villa
17:32outside Mogadishu. The operation lasts 6
17:35minutes from breach to exfil. The target
17:37is killed in the first 30 seconds. His
17:39lieutenants are captured and loaded into
17:41the helicopters. By the time the sun
17:43comes up, you're 400 miles away. 3 weeks
17:46later, 40 planned terrorist attacks fail
17:49to happen. You never find out about most
17:51of them. That's how the job works. You
17:53succeed in ways no one will ever
17:55acknowledge. You fail in ways that end
17:57up on the front page. You learn not to
17:59read the news. You learn to trust the
18:01intelligence. You learn that the
18:03intelligence is sometimes wrong.
The Squadron Commander
18:05Level eight, the squadron commander.
18:08You've been in special operations for 20
18:10years. Your body is held together by
18:12cortisone shots and willpower. You've
18:15lost count of your deployments. You stop
18:17counting when you hit 15.
18:19Your wife has stopped asking when you'll
18:21be home.
18:22You are home for about 4 months a year.
18:25The rest of the time you are somewhere
18:26classified doing something classified.
18:29You're a squadron commander now. You run
18:32a unit of 100 operators. You don't kick
18:34down doors anymore. You plan the
18:37operations that other men execute. You
18:39sit in a joint operations center
18:41watching live drone feeds. You make
18:43decisions that determine whether men
18:45live or die. You authorize a strike on a
18:48building. You pray the intelligence is
18:50right. Sometimes it is and sometimes it
18:53isn't. You carry both outcomes with you.
18:56You brief generals and admirals.
18:59Sometimes you brief people even more
19:01senior than that in rooms where you
19:03can't carry your phone.
19:04You explain operations that are
19:06happening or about to happen. You
19:08explain them in terms the leadership can
19:10understand. You tell them what you need.
19:13Sometimes they give it to you and
19:14sometimes they don't. You've stopped
19:16being angry about the ones they don't
19:18give you. Anger doesn't help.
19:21You manage the older operators on your
19:22team. Some of them have been through
19:24things that broke them in ways that
19:26don't show on the outside. You make sure
19:28they get help. You make sure the help is
19:30discreet.
19:32The culture is slowly changing about
19:33mental health, but slowly.
19:36You know men who never asked for help
19:38and who put guns in their mouths years
19:40later.
19:41You know their widows and you know their
19:42children.
19:43You speak at their funerals and mean
19:45every word.
19:47You return from deployment. Your
19:48daughter is 14.
19:50You missed her entire middle school
19:52years. She's a stranger to you, polite
19:55but distant.
19:56You try to connect. You take her to
19:58dinner and ask her about her life. She
20:00answers in short sentences.
20:02You don't blame her. You blame yourself
20:05and then you blame the job and then you
20:07blame nothing because blaming doesn't
20:09help either.
20:10You lose a team in Niger. Four men
20:13killed in an ambush.
20:14They were escorting local forces on what
20:16was supposed to be a routine patrol.
20:18The intelligence was wrong. The enemy
20:21was waiting.
20:22The nearest reinforcements were 4 hours
20:24away.
20:25The team fought until they couldn't
20:26fight anymore.
20:28You fly to Dover Air Force Base to meet
20:30the caskets. You stand on the tarmac at
20:322:00 a.m. in the pouring rain.
20:34You salute as the flag-draped coffins
20:36are carried off the transport. You meet
20:38the families afterward. You tell them
20:40their husbands and sons died as heroes.
20:44You leave out the parts about the
20:45intelligence failures.
20:46Those details don't help widows sleep at
20:48night.
20:49A senator launches an investigation. You
20:52testify behind closed doors. You answer
20:54every question honestly.
20:56Some decisions get changed and some
20:58procedures get updated. Four men are
21:01still dead. Nothing brings them back.
21:04You write their names on a piece of
21:05paper in your office.
21:07You look at it every morning before you
21:08go to work.
The General Officer
21:10Level nine, the general officer.
21:13You're 48 years old.
21:15You've been promoted to Brigadier
21:16General.
21:17You command the Joint Special Operations
21:19Command, JSOC.
21:21The unit that coordinates all of
21:23America's most elite military forces.
21:25Delta Force, SEAL Team Six, the 24th
21:29Special Tactics Squadron, the
21:30Intelligence Support Activity.
21:32You run all of it.
21:344,000 operators spread across bases
21:37around the world.
21:39You have an office at Fort Bragg. You
21:41have a house on base.
21:43You have a security detail.
21:44You have a schedule that is planned
21:46weeks in advance by staff officers.
21:49You brief the Secretary of Defense.
21:51You brief the Chairman of the Joint
21:52Chiefs.
21:53You sometimes brief the President of the
21:55United States.
21:57You are one of the most powerful
21:58military officers in the world, and most
22:01Americans have never heard your name.
22:03That is by design.
22:05Your operations happen in 80 countries.
22:08Some of those countries are allies, and
22:10some are not.
22:11Some don't know you're there, and some
22:13know, but pretend not to.
22:16The operations you command prevent
22:17attacks that would have killed
22:19thousands.
22:20The operations you command also
22:22sometimes kill the wrong people.
22:24You make those decisions, too.
22:26You sign the papers.
22:28You take responsibility when things go
22:30wrong.
22:32You sit at the table with the National
22:33Security Council.
22:34The conversation turns to a specific
22:36problem. A terrorist leader in a
22:38specific country. A hostage held by a
22:41specific group.
22:42A weapons program developed by a
22:44specific regime.
22:46People turn to you.
22:48You present options.
22:50Some of the options are surgical. A
22:52small team, a specific target, a quick
22:54operation.
22:56Some are larger.
22:57A full-scale raid, multiple aircraft, a
23:01sustained presence.
23:03You recommend one.
23:04The National Security Advisor asks
23:06questions and the President asks
23:08questions.
23:10Decisions are made. Orders are issued.
23:1324 hours later, men on the other side of
23:16the world are moving toward targets
23:18because of words spoken in that room.
23:21You go home that night. You eat dinner
23:23with your wife.
23:24She asks how your day was. You say it
23:27was fine.
23:29You mean it was normal.
23:31Normal for you now involves the lives of
23:34hundreds of men and the deaths of some
23:36number of enemies.
23:37You don't know how to explain that to
23:39anyone.
23:40You don't try.
23:41Level 10, the retired warrior.
The Retired Warrior
23:45You retired last year. The ceremony was
23:47quiet. A small group in a conference
23:49room on base.
23:50Your family was there. A few officers
23:53you served with for decades attended.
23:55The Secretary of Defense sent a letter.
23:57You put it in a drawer.
23:59You moved to a house in North Carolina.
24:01It has a porch.
24:03You sit on the porch in the mornings and
24:04drink coffee. The sun comes up. You
24:07watch it. You haven't watched a sunrise
24:09in peace in 30 years.
24:11You're 55 years old. Your hands shake a
24:14little. Your back hurts.
24:16You walk with a slight limp from an
24:17injury you got in Mosul in 2004.
24:20You never got it fixed. There's always
24:22another deployment. There was always
24:24another deployment. Now there isn't. You
24:27don't know what to do with yourself.
24:29Your wife suggested therapy. You went.
24:32The therapist is a good man, a former
24:34Marine. He understands what you've seen.
24:37You talk about some of it. Not all of
24:39it. Some things you will take to your
24:41grave. That's not stubbornness. That's
24:43the law.
24:44Signed agreements that follow you into
24:46retirement and beyond. Your daughter is
24:4929 now. She has her own daughter, a
24:51toddler.
24:52The little girl runs to you when you
24:54visit. She calls you granddad. You pick
24:56her up. You feel something unlock in
24:59your chest. You didn't know that feeling
25:01still existed. You get calls from your
25:03former teammates, the ones who are still
25:05alive. There are fewer of them every
25:07year. Heart attacks, cancer, suicide,
25:11car accidents. The operators age faster
25:14than civilians. The body keeps the
25:16score. The body sends you the bill
25:18decades later. You attend too many
25:20funerals. You sit in too many pews. You
25:23hand too many folded flags to too many
25:25widows. You buried your team sergeant
25:27from your first ODA last month. Lung
25:30cancer. He was 58. You gave the eulogy.
25:34You couldn't finish it. Someone else had
25:36to read the last paragraph. You look at
25:38your medals sometimes. They're in a
25:40shadow box in your closet. The Silver
25:42Star, the Bronze Stars with Vs, the
25:45Purple Hearts, the Distinguished Service
25:47Cross that not many people have.
25:49Civilians see medals and think of glory.
25:52You see them and remember specific days,
25:54specific men, specific mistakes,
25:57specific miracles. Each one is a story
26:00you can't tell. Each one is a weight you
26:02carry alone.
26:04You speak at a Green Beret graduation
26:05ceremony in the spring. They ask you to
26:08share wisdom with the new operators. You
26:10stand at the podium. You look at 150
26:13young men in Green Berets. They look
26:15impossibly young. They look exactly like
26:18you looked 35 years ago. You tell them
26:21the truth. You tell them the job will
26:23take more from them than they can
26:24imagine. You tell them the brotherhood
26:26is real and the cost is real. You tell
26:29them to hold on to their families. You
26:31tell them to find faith in something.
26:33You tell them to forgive themselves for
26:35the things they'll do.
26:36They listen politely. They don't believe
26:39you. You didn't believe your mentors,
26:40either. You shake their hands on the way
26:43out. Somewhere in a strip mall right
26:45now, a 19-year-old is signing papers.
26:48His recruiter is smiling. The kid thinks
26:50he knows what he's signing up for. He
26:52doesn't. He will spend the next three
26:54decades in places that don't exist on
26:56any map.
26:58He will lose friends he hasn't met yet.
27:00He will become a man his mother won't
27:02fully recognize. He will learn things
27:04that can't be unlearned. He will serve.
27:07He will fight. He will survive. Or he
27:10won't.
27:11And if he makes it to the other side, he
27:13will sit on a porch somewhere. He will
27:15watch the sunrise and try to understand
27:17what it all meant.
27:18The cycle continues.