Comment arrêter de penser à quelqu'un ?

0:01Hello everyone . Today , I’m changing

0:03the scenery a little bit . It’s easier

0:05for me . I can sit on a pouf . So ,

0:07we’re trying it this way . And today ,

0:10I want to talk about how to stop

0:12thinking about someone when that person

0:15is on your mind all day long . Often ,

0:19this happens with people who don't have

0:22the exact same level of interest as we

0:24do . In any case , that’s been my

0:28experience , and I find that it’s

0:29usually in those cases that we get a

0:31bit obsessive . Because , in fact ,

0:34intrusive thoughts like that often come

0:36when we have questions and there’s

0:39some uncertainty , and a bit of

0:41underlying anxiety . Or , it’s a void

0:45we’re trying to fill with our

0:47thoughts because the person isn't

0:50necessarily present , or there isn't as

0:52much communication as we'd like . and so

0:56on . So , we’re going to look at three

0:59direct techniques for when you're in

1:01the middle of these intrusive thoughts ,

1:03how to stop them and manage to do other

1:05things with your day . And afterward ,

1:09we’ll also look at three deeper

1:12reflections that you can take away from

1:15this video to start thinking about why

1:17these intrusive thoughts about someone

1:20happen . So , first exercise , a direct

1:26one to stop the thoughts . Actually , in

1:29those moments , it’s quite hard to

1:31completely stop the thoughts in the

1:33sense that if it were easy , well ,

1:34we’d already be doing it and wouldn't

1:36need to watch a video like this . So

1:40what’s helpful in those moments is to

1:42set aside a time when you allow

1:44yourself to think about it all . It’s

1:47up to everyone to decide how much time

1:49they give themselves . Do you set a time

1:50once a day ? Do you set a time each time

1:53the thoughts come ? I think at the

1:57beginning , you can give yourself plenty

1:59of time , and by doing this exercise of

2:01telling yourself , " Once this time is up

2:03, I stop thinking about it . " You start

2:06training your brain to think about

2:08something else . And by doing it a

2:10little every day , you manage to

2:12decrease the time you give to these

2:14thoughts and the person , while

2:16increasing what you redirect your

2:18thoughts toward instead . So it could be

2:21telling yourself , for example , if you

2:23decide to take time every time you

2:25think about the person , you could tell

2:27yourself each time , I'll give myself 15

2:29minutes . For 15 minutes , I can close my

2:32eyes and daydream about the person ,

2:35about everything I'm actually thinking

2:37regarding this person , in one way or

2:39another , positive or negative , and so

2:41on . You allow yourself this space so

2:44that your thoughts have this abyss to

2:46go into . And you tell yourself , however

2:49, once the 15 minutes are up , stop , I

2:51must redirect my thoughts to something

2:53else , but I really take advantage of

2:55these 15 minutes to think about them .

2:57And you can do that , uh , several times

3:00a day . You can do that before falling

3:02asleep if you tend to think a lot about

3:03the person before going to sleep . Or

3:06you can tell yourself , I give myself ,

3:08it could be 15 minutes a day or 1 hour

3:10a day . Tell yourself , okay , for 1 hour

3:13I'm going to sit on my sofa , I'm going

3:14to think about the person as much as ,

3:16as much as , as much as possible .

3:17However , the rest of the time , I'm not

3:19allowed to think about it anymore . So ,

3:20I must , by one means or another , stop

3:22thinking about it . And that actually

3:24helps you not to be in this constant

3:26frustration of not being able to think

3:29about this person because I know how

3:31much you want to think about them . Uh ,

3:34but at the same time , it starts to set

3:36a bit of a form of discipline and

3:38trains your brain to also think about

3:40other things and to have to disconnect

3:42from that thought . But you do it , well ,

3:45when you can ; it's up to each person to

3:47decide their own rule regarding this .

3:51Second direct exercise to stop the

3:53thoughts . So it's once you reach , let's

3:56say , this time limit you've set for

3:58yourself and it's the moment to switch

4:00and say , well , now I have to think

4:02about something else . What I sometimes

4:06do are simple things , but actually you

4:08need to try to trigger them like that

4:11in the brain . For me , it's simply the

4:14words " no " or " stop . " And actually , I

4:18say it to myself when I feel that I'm

4:20continuing to think about the person ,

4:22or by the way , it could work in other

4:24areas with other thoughts , but here we

4:26are of course on the sentimental

4:28subject . Uh , I tell myself " no , " I stop

4:31thinking about it . " No , " I don't want

4:33to think about the person . And actually

4:35, I repeat " no " like that , either out

4:37loud or in my head , several times . As

4:39long as I feel my thoughts drifting

4:40back toward that person , I say no . And

4:42every time I say no , I redirect and I

4:44try , and sometimes it takes several

4:46attempts because it keeps coming back ,

4:47and actually , whenever it does , if it's

4:49not during the time slot I've set aside

4:51, I have to say no . It’s a no , I am

4:53not thinking about it . Stop , stop , it

4:56stops here . Stop , I'm cutting off the

4:57thought . Actually , it’s about

4:59signaling to the brain that , well , we

5:01can’t control the fact that thoughts

5:03come to us . However , we can control the

5:06moment we realize it by saying , " No ,

5:08stop , " and redirecting . We move on to

5:10something else . Another thing I tell

5:13myself in those moments is that every

5:15time we think about this person , it’s

5:18as if we are taking our time and energy

5:20and giving it to them . Yet , if we’re

5:24stuck in these obsessive thoughts where

5:26we're constantly thinking about the

5:28person , if we spend our day thinking

5:29about them , we’re giving more time

5:31and energy to someone else than to

5:33ourselves . Instead of giving it to

5:36ourselves . And what's more , there's a

5:38good chance that this person isn't

5:39doing the same , that they don't have

5:41the same level of interest in us . So ,

5:43in those moments , what I tell myself is

5:45that I don’t want to send any energy

5:47to this person . I don’t want to give

5:49them that time and energy which belong

5:51to me because this person doesn’t

5:53deserve it . Not because the person is

5:56bad or anything , but because I deserve

5:58someone who wants to communicate with

6:00me , who wants to see me , who doesn't

6:02leave me in doubt , who doesn't leave me

6:04there having to imagine things and ask

6:06myself questions . Is it possible that

6:09something might happen ? Is the person

6:11interested ? If I’m asking myself the

6:13question , it means the person probably

6:15isn’t as interested as I am , or at

6:17least not to the level I need . So in

6:20those moments , I tell myself no , I

6:22decide that I don’t want to grant my

6:25thoughts , my time , and my energy to

6:27that person . I need and I want that

6:31energy , that time , and those thoughts

6:32to go toward me , toward what makes me

6:34feel good , or toward the people who

6:36make me feel good . Along the same lines

6:42, one last thing that can work is to

6:43wear a — I should have worn it , but an

6:45elastic band around the wrist , a rubber

6:47band or a hair tie . And in fact , when

6:50you have the thoughts , pull the rubber

6:52band and snap it against your wrist

6:53like this , it's like a " No , stop . "

6:56Actually , it creates a signal , it hurts

6:58just a tiny bit against the wrist , and

7:00it’s as if it breaks the momentum and

7:02you tell yourself , " Okay , redirect my

7:04thoughts . " So the goal is really to

7:09resist , in a way , to fight against all

7:11that , and it's a bit like meditation ;

7:13well , actually , it's a form of

7:15meditation in the sense that meditation

7:17is accepting that thoughts come , but

7:19letting them go . And in fact , when you

7:22have these somewhat obsessive thoughts ,

7:23it's because you have trouble letting

7:24them go . You want to be thinking about

7:27it . So it's OK to create this time slot

7:29at the beginning to think about it

7:31because , honestly , you need it . At

7:32first , it's difficult to quit cold

7:34turkey because it's a form of

7:35withdrawal having to change that , since

7:37these thoughts are a form of addiction .

7:41So you try little by little , and it's

7:43actually like exercising , doing , uh ,

7:45brain training , and building its

7:46muscles so that , when you decide at the

7:48end of the time slot that it's no

7:50longer the time to think about it , you

7:52train it , you say : " No , stop , the

7:54rubber band , no , " and it's time to move

7:56on to something else . No , and you do it

7:59as many times as needed . And after that

8:02, we need — so that’s the third point

8:04— we need something to redirect our

8:06attention toward . Because if we stay in

8:09a void , we can't just say no and be

8:11there , in fact , if we aren't thinking

8:12about anything else , well , inevitably

8:14we'll think about it again . So there

8:16are several things we can think about

8:19or do to avoid having this void that

8:21will let the thoughts rush back in . We

8:23need the brain to be occupied with

8:25thinking about something else . Uh , and

8:27for that , we need it to be as simple as

8:30possible . So it can be , uh , when I ,

8:33after having said " no " and " stop , "

8:36redirecting my attention toward my

8:38immediate environment . And here too , if

8:40any of you practice meditation , this

8:42will remind you of that . It’s , for

8:44example , here around me , I’m just

8:45going to make some observations and

8:47I’m going to be focused on what my

8:49eyes see . I'll say , " Oh look , I see

8:52that my tablecloth is green with little

8:54designs on it . " I also see that it's

8:57crooked . I should probably straighten

8:59it out . Actually , if I weren't making

9:01this video , I could get up and

9:03straighten that tablecloth because ,

9:05right now , it's a mess . Oh look , I see

9:07I have two coffee tables that are

9:09yellow . Wait , I actually notice that

9:10one of them is a little bit dirty .

9:12Alright , I'm going to go get the sponge

9:13and clean it . Uh , well , I'm looking at

9:16my plants . I'm looking at all my plants

9:17. Oh , I see that some of them are

9:18thirsty . Okay , I'm going to go get

9:20something to water them with and water

9:22them . So actually , you see , it keeps

9:24the mind busy to notice other things

9:26that are right here in our environment .

9:29Taking action can help , too . It doesn't

9:31have to be just observation and being

9:33focused on what we see with our eyes .

9:36It can be our eyes , it can be what we

9:38hear . We can say , " I'm closing my eyes

9:40and listening to all the sounds around

9:41me . " " There have to be sounds to hear . "

9:44It can also be turning toward one's

9:46internal sensations . So likewise , we

9:48can close our eyes or not and ask

9:49ourselves , " How am I feeling ? " Am I hot

9:51? Am I cold ? Really , how do I feel in

9:54my body ? Not in my emotions , really ,

9:56but in my body . So , let's see , I feel

9:58my feet . My feet , how are they doing ?

9:59Are they tight in my shoes or not ? Can

10:01I feel the floor ? What if I move up to

10:04my ankles ? Do my ankles hurt ? Or are

10:06they okay ? What about doing a little

10:09body scan ? A body scan is the same

10:10thing . It's a way of focusing this time

10:13on a sensation in the body . And you are

10:16forced , in those moments , when you try

10:18to review the body , so you go from the

10:21foot , the ankle , the calf , the shin ,

10:22the knee , the thigh , the buttocks , the

10:25stomach , the lower abdomen , etcetera ,

10:27and you go back up like that . And the

10:30act of reviewing the body part by part ,

10:33or piece by piece , let's say , makes you

10:35focus your attention . You are forced to

10:38focus , or at the very least , you try .

10:40Actually , it's a mental workout because

10:42it’s not easy at first , especially

10:44when you have intrusive thoughts , but

10:45you do it over and over . And as soon as

10:47the thought starts up again , no , you

10:49redirect your attention . And actually ,

10:51by training it , you'll get better and

10:52better at it , and it's normal to

10:54struggle at the beginning . Uh , you can

10:56also , uh , keep busy in ways other than

10:59just redirecting your thoughts , just

11:02keep busy . So you see , I gave the

11:04example of cleaning , tidying things up ,

11:06watering your plants . For me , one thing

11:09that worked too was going to sing . Uh ,

11:12I like singing , I have a piano , a

11:14guitar , and so , uh , I open my app with

11:16my songs , well , the songs and the

11:18chords . I choose one and so I’m

11:21focused on reading the lyrics , uh ,

11:23playing the chords . That , you see ,

11:25gives my brain several pieces of

11:26information . So , it’s a little bit

11:28forced to , at least , even if I have

11:30some thoughts that might be in the

11:32background because songs can still make

11:34me think of people , especially if

11:36they’re emotional , melancholic songs

11:38and all ; or sometimes , if I’m angry ,

11:40I might sing the songs a bit more

11:42aggressively . But regardless , a part of

11:45my brain will still be occupied by

11:47those things . So that prevents me from

11:49being 100 % focused on thinking about the

11:51person , and that’s always a win . And

11:54another thing we can think about , and

11:57actually this is also positive for us ,

11:59is to really redirect attention from

12:02the other person back to ourselves .

12:06It’s instead of thinking about

12:07everything we could experience with the

12:09other person , uh , or everything that

12:11isn't happening with the other person ,

12:13because , you know , thoughts can be

12:14either positive or negative . Instead of

12:17being focused like that on the other ,

12:19the relationship with this potential

12:21person , ask yourself the question , tell

12:23yourself : " No , I'm not thinking about

12:25the other person , they don't deserve me

12:27spending so much energy and time and

12:29attention on them , because otherwise ,

12:32we would be having a real relationship .

12:34" " I redirect myself toward me , toward

12:35what nourishes me , toward my life . " And

12:38for me , the question I asked myself

12:40regularly was , what do I want in my

12:43life ? What kind of life do I want ? And

12:45not necessarily relationship-oriented ;

12:47it’s about stepping out of the realm

12:49of the relationship and just thinking

12:51about me , with myself . What makes me

12:53feel good in life ? What do I want to

12:55build ? What is not yet in my life that

12:58I want to nurture , that I want to

13:00enrich , and really be completely

13:02focused on my own happiness , my own

13:04fulfillment . And so here , the answers

13:08might be , well , I'm tired of not making

13:10enough money , so I want to do this ,

13:12that , and this to move in that

13:14direction . And maybe we'll set up a

13:17little routine where we're just present

13:18with that intention . And I have another

13:21example , it could be , well , I feel a

13:23little too lonely , I don't have enough

13:25of a social life . So how could I enrich

13:27my social life in a way that suits me ?

13:29Is there an activity I could do that

13:31interests me , which would allow me to

13:33meet people who are a good fit for me ?

13:35Maybe I like to go hiking , maybe I like

13:37to dance . So , how could I add that to

13:39my life ? Uh , maybe it's that I'm too

13:42much in my head and I don't do enough

13:44things involving my body , nature , or

13:46hands-on work . What creative hobby

13:48could I do a little bit of every

13:50evening ? Maybe for half an hour . Maybe

13:52it's writing in a notebook , maybe it's

13:54coloring , maybe it's knitting , maybe

13:56it's building a piece of furniture or

13:58sanding it . And so it's about trying to

14:01think : " What do I find is missing today

14:03in my life ? " Or not necessarily ,

14:04because well , that's framed a bit

14:06negatively , something is missing so

14:07I'll add it , but we can just ask

14:09ourselves : " What do I want ? " and feel

14:11it here , in my gut , " What do I want in

14:13my life ? " . And I've noticed , this is

14:16something I practiced a lot in a

14:18certain situation at one point , and I

14:20noticed that , after all the times I had

14:22to resist the urge to think about the

14:25other person and where I made the

14:27effort to , instead , say to myself : " No ,

14:29me , what do I want , me ? Me , really

14:33refocusing on me , me , how can I anchor

14:35myself , be with my own energy , what do

14:38I want in my life ? » and focusing on

14:41that , on my own life and not this

14:43person and this relationship , by doing

14:45it , I started to feel better , well , by

14:47thinking less about the person and

14:49because , in fact , when you think about

14:52yourself like that , you really start to

14:54take care of , you know , watering your

14:56own garden , growing your own flowers ,

14:58your inner garden , and you actually

15:00feel better . You feel good because it's

15:03self-love , you're thinking about

15:04yourself , you're giving yourself what

15:06you need . It changes things positively

15:09in your life . So , in fact , it's

15:11completely beneficial . Although , I also

15:13know that when you're really in the

15:16obsessive phase , that's the most

15:18difficult part . That's why I gave the

15:20rest first , because you need to go

15:22about it gradually , and it's not

15:23necessarily easy . But honestly , if you

15:26can at least manage to ask yourself

15:28that question and think about it for

15:30even 10 seconds , well , honestly , that's

15:32already a win . And you really have to

15:34see it as normal that it's hard at the

15:36beginning because it's like an

15:37addiction and it's not easy to wean

15:39yourself off . It's not easy because the

15:42brain actually creates neurons for the

15:46things we focus our attention on . So by

15:50constantly thinking about the person ,

15:52about what you want with them , either

15:55the positive or the negative , you've

15:57created neurons in that direction . And

15:59so the brain needs to be trained to

16:01create neurons in another direction .

16:04It's like doing sports and building

16:05muscle . It doesn't happen just like

16:07that overnight . It takes time and

16:09therefore you must have compassion for

16:10yourself . If you don't manage it well

16:12at the beginning , it's not a big deal .

16:14The slightest effort you try to make in

16:16that direction is already a step

16:17forward . That's already a win . And it

16:19contributes to gradually shifting

16:21things the other way . And the main

16:24thing is really just to try from time

16:26to time . And if you've already tried

16:29three times in the day and for the rest

16:31of the day you're too tired , you can't

16:32fight against the thoughts , it's okay ,

16:34let yourself have the thoughts .

16:36Actually , you've already made the

16:38effort three times and that really is

16:39already a win . You just need to start

16:42again tomorrow . every time we manage to

16:44make the effort , just a little bit , a

16:46tiny bit , a tiny bit , eventually , we

16:48tip back to the other side and we

16:50decrease the time we spend thinking

16:52about the other person , and we increase

16:54the time we spend thinking about

16:56ourselves , and that can really change

16:58the balance . Now , let's talk about

17:02three , let's say , exercises and deeper

17:04reflections we can have around this . Up

17:06until now , we were really looking at

17:07what to do when I have these obsessive

17:09thoughts , I'm fed up , and I want to

17:10think about something else . What do I

17:12do ? That's what those three things were

17:13. Now , it's more about deeper

17:15reflections to understand why we have

17:18these obsessive thoughts and start to

17:21change how we see relationships and the

17:24person who is the object of those

17:26thoughts , so we can also deconstruct

17:29the origin of these thoughts . Because

17:32the origin of these thoughts isn't the

17:34person , that's what we're going to see

17:37actually . Uh , you have to understand

17:40that it's a this person is a fantasy ,

17:46because if we're forced to fill a void

17:48and think about them , it means we're

17:50not taking action or living something

17:52with that person . So , that is our brain

17:56deciding to that wants to think about

18:00this person . I call it a fantasy

18:03because , uh , it's all this imaginary

18:06stuff , really . In fact , we are

18:08imagining what we would like with this

18:10person . We are truly in our imagination

18:13, and we are either imagining why this

18:15person isn't interested in us , and what

18:17it means when they do this or say that ,

18:18and the fact that they aren't talking

18:20to us , or that they took so long to

18:22reply . It's imaginary . We are in our

18:24own thoughts . We aren't discussing or

18:26living something with the person . These

18:29thoughts that we call a fantasy , uh , we

18:36need to recognize this fantasy ; it

18:39provides us with something . Basically ,

18:42it's not for nothing that our brain

18:43wants to think about this even though

18:45it hurts us . But actually , it hurts us

18:50to a certain degree , but somehow it

18:53feels good . And the question we can ask

18:56ourselves is , in what way does this

18:59fantasy make me feel good ? And why is

19:02it that deep down , I prefer thinking

19:04about this fantasy than not thinking

19:06about it ? What does it bring me ?

19:08Because the brain , you know , is always

19:10in survival mode . It’s always there

19:13to warn us of danger , to uh keep us

19:15from dying and prevent bad things from

19:18happening to us . And so it has a reason

19:21, it has a logic . There is a logic

19:23behind it . And that is up to you to

19:26find . Ask yourself this question . How

19:29does it serve me to think about this

19:32fantasy ? How does it serve me to keep

19:36thinking about this person in that way ?

19:39I’ll still give you a few — well , one

19:41or two examples , but the answer really

19:44has to come from you because we each

19:46have our own history with relationships

19:48and so we each have a slightly

19:50different reason . But for example ,

19:52maybe this fantasy’s role is to fuel

19:55a positive vision of your romantic

19:58future because it allows you to have

20:01hope . It lets you tell yourself there

20:03is someone in this world who interests

20:05me and there is someone with whom there

20:07is relationship potential . Whereas if

20:10you don't think about this person ,

20:12maybe it suddenly becomes hopeless and

20:14you’ll tell yourself , well , actually

20:17there's no one I like . I I’m going to

20:21end up all alone . I I’m afraid of

20:27that . I’m afraid that there's nothing

20:28, actually . I’m afraid of the void

20:30and of never meeting someone who is

20:31right for me . And so , we prefer to hold

20:33on to a person who is there , even if

20:34that person doesn't show as much

20:36interest . Another reason could be that

20:40it's reassuring to think about someone

20:43who exists , to think about someone at

20:45all . Uh , it’s perhaps comfortable ,

20:48it’s perhaps familiar too , even if

20:50the person doesn't bring us what we

20:52desire deep down . Perhaps it's what we

20:55are used to . We are used to finding

20:57ourselves in this type of situation

20:58where we are the one who is more

21:00interested than the other , or perhaps

21:01we are accustomed to this form of

21:03distance because of how our parents

21:04communicated . So it’s familiar to us ,

21:07even if it isn't pleasant and it isn't

21:08good for us , it’s familiar . And

21:10somewhere , it reassures us to be in

21:11this situation that we already know . If

21:15we had parents who struggled to show

21:17their emotions , to express their

21:18feelings , and with whom we actually had

21:20to guess a bit about what they were

21:22thinking or feeling , and just

21:24constantly observe them like that ...

21:25well , it creates , I mean , if they had a

21:27form of emotional distance , that

21:29becomes what's familiar to us . Our

21:32parents made the experience of having

21:34someone distant feel familiar . And

21:37that's why we cling to someone who

21:39isn't very present , who won't respond

21:42to the same degree we do , and who won't

21:44be as invested or interested as we are .

21:47Because , in fact , it’s familiar , and

21:49that doesn't mean it's what we should

21:50be moving toward , but that's a whole

21:52other subject . But it's normal , once

21:54again , to gravitate toward that , to

21:55move toward what is familiar . So ,

21:59I’ll let you sit with this question

22:03and try to find the answer . What

22:05positive thing does living out this

22:07fantasy and having these thoughts bring

22:09me ? And understanding that will help

22:12you grasp the mechanics behind the

22:14logic , behind why you think about it .

22:16And afterward , you can apply some

22:18rationality to it and tell yourself , "

22:20Well , actually , I can get that feeling

22:22somewhere else . " I can also understand

22:25that it's just a cognitive bias and

22:27that , in fact , I can decide to trust

22:30that in any case , I will meet someone ,

22:33and if it's not this person , it will be

22:36someone else . And try to regain that

22:39confidence in that future . The second

22:43deep reflection we can have is to

22:45realize that the person we’re

22:47thinking about is actually like a

22:49projection screen , you know , like at

22:51the cinema . Meaning that inside us , we

22:55have an imagination and a fantasy of —

22:58or not necessarily a fantasy , but an

23:00idea of the love we’d like to

23:02experience , of the relationship we’d

23:04like to live . And when we meet someone

23:09we like , a risk is projecting this idea

23:11we have onto that person because there

23:14was a little chemistry , or because the

23:16person showed a little bit of interest .

23:20So we set our own film onto that screen

23:23. And that is a bit of a mistake and a

23:27risk because , in fact , it’s the

23:29version — it’s the idealization side

23:32of the other person where we try to

23:34attach what we want to experience to

23:36them , and we might even try to force

23:38things , if only through our own

23:40imagination . All the time we spend

23:44thinking about the other person and

23:45what we’d like to experience with

23:47them , we aren't in reality , we’re

23:49just imagining something . And the

23:51problem is that if it doesn't happen

23:53that way , we get disappointed . We’re

23:56also a bit expectant because , since we

23:57imagined how things might go , if the

23:59other person doesn't respond to that

24:01and doesn't fit the image we have ,

24:03we’re disappointed , we ask ourselves

24:05questions , we wonder why . And so ,

24:07recognizing that this person is the

24:09object of this fantasy and is actually

24:12a projection screen . Uh , behind what we

24:15need to tell ourselves is to recognize ,

24:17to dissociate the two , dissociate what

24:19lives inside me , what I would like to

24:22experience , from what I’m actually

24:24experiencing with this person . Avoid

24:27sticking the two together because this

24:29person didn't ask for anything , and

24:31it's quite burdensome for someone to

24:33have to meet those expectations . And

24:37honestly , I’ve been a pro at that , at

24:39having expectations . So I really

24:42understand this situation , and I’m

24:44not here to give you a moral lesson .

24:47It’s really something I’ve done a

24:49lot , that I do much less now , but that

24:52perhaps in some way I still have so

24:54much to learn , but at least it's gone

24:57down a notch , let's say . So , uh moving

25:02toward a healthy relationship and

25:04healthy dating means recognizing that

25:06we have — that we actually have the

25:07right to have an idea of what we’d

25:09like to experience . But we must not

25:12impose it on the other person , and we

25:14must accept that the other has their

25:16own vision , their own life , their own

25:18idea of things , and will act according

25:20to who they are , uh , according to what

25:23they feel , and that we must accept that

25:25it might not match what we expected ,

25:27and decouple the two and say , well , try

25:29to be in the reality of the

25:31relationship . And the reality might be

25:34that the other person isn't as

25:36interested in us as the interest

25:38we’re showing them . And that hurts a

25:41little . By the way , that was my 3rd

25:42point . Uh , it hurts a little to think ,

25:46to think about that . But the fact of

25:48accepting that this is the case ,

25:49actually , it brings peace . Because as

25:53long as we are absolutely set on

25:54projecting our fantasy onto the other

25:56person , and that person , in reality ,

25:58doesn't match the idea we've made of

26:00them , we are stuck in disappointment ,

26:02intrusive thoughts , and we don't handle

26:04it well . And from the moment we accept

26:07that maybe the person just doesn't want

26:09to be with us , maybe they like us , they

26:11find us nice . Yes , we have chemistry ,

26:13but maybe they don't want anything more

26:14, maybe they don't want a relationship .

26:16And accepting that actually allows us

26:19to calm our thoughts and keep space

26:22available for other people who might

26:25show more interest . And you should know

26:28that another person's lack of interest

26:30says nothing about your worth . Because

26:32I think that's what's difficult in

26:35those moments : we believe that if

26:37someone isn't interested in us , it

26:39means we don't deserve interest , that

26:42maybe we aren't attractive enough ,

26:44interesting enough , or just not ...

26:46insert whichever adjective applies to

26:49you . But in fact , that's not it . It's

26:51just that we can't get along with

26:52everyone . We aren't all at the same

26:54point in our lives . We aren't all

26:56looking for the same thing , and just

26:58because there was attraction and

26:59chemistry with someone doesn't mean it

27:01can lead to a relationship . A

27:02relationship is more than that . And a

27:04relationship is rooted in reality , not

27:06in imagination and fantasy . A

27:08relationship is about what I am

27:09actually experiencing with the other

27:10person . What is it that we feel when we

27:13are together ? But also , what happens

27:15when we aren't together ? And if nothing

27:17happens , if the person doesn't write to

27:19us and isn't present , well , it's

27:21because they don't want to be . And it

27:23hurts when we've held onto the idea

27:25that we wanted something with that

27:27person . It's difficult to accept that .

27:30But when you do accept it , that's when

27:33you can finally redirect your energy

27:36toward yourself first , and secondly , be

27:38open to other encounters with someone

27:41who might be more present . Because as

27:45long as we remain hung up on this

27:47person who is distant , who doesn't give

27:49us what we want , we don't have the

27:51mental or emotional space for someone

27:54else who might bring us more . So you

27:57have to accept letting go and letting

27:58this person leave , even if you really

28:00wanted something to happen with them .

28:03But if it doesn't happen , it just means

28:05it's not a match . And maybe the person

28:08needs some time and . It doesn't

28:09necessarily mean we have to cut off

28:11contact , but you have to stay open to

28:16other people and above all refocus on

28:18yourself , rather than putting all your

28:20attention , energy , and time into this

28:22person , because that's unbalanced and

28:24it's not healthy for us . And what's

28:26more , there's a very , very good chance

28:28that the person on the other end will

28:30feel it , and even if they were a little

28:32interested at first , if they sense that

28:34weight and all this energy and

28:35attention and expectation being sent

28:37their way , it might actually make them

28:39cringe , make them uncomfortable , and

28:41lead them to think : " Yeah , it's a bit

28:43too heavy , a bit too complicated , I

28:44don't feel it , I don't really know what

28:46I want . " So , and sometimes that

28:48sabotages things . That's what I had to

28:51tell you on this subject . How to stop

28:53thinking about someone ? Don't hesitate

28:56to tell me what worked for you , or

28:58conversely , if it's not working and

29:01you're still stuck , don't hesitate to

29:03describe the situation in the comments

29:05so I can try to think of other ways to

29:08help you , other things that might work .

29:11Don't hesitate to share your own

29:13feedback . If you've realized that for

29:16you , this or that specific thing works

29:17better , don't hesitate to describe it

29:19in the comments so that it can help

29:21others too , to see what has worked for

29:23other people . I'll leave you for today

29:26and see you later in a future video .