Full transcript
0:02[Music]
0:19I have been thinking and writing about
0:21happiness for years and lately I've
0:24turned my focus to habits because I
0:26realized that habits are like the
0:29prequel to a happy life if you have
0:31habits that work for you you are much
0:34more likely to be happy healthy
0:36productive and creative and if you have
0:39habits that don't work for you then it's
0:41going to be more of a struggle and I
0:44began to think very hard about a certain
0:46aspect of habits about adopting habits
0:49because of two conversations that I had
0:51one was with an old friend who said it's
0:54funny when I was on the track team in
0:56high school I never missed a track
0:58practice but I can never myself go
1:00running on my own and then I was talking
1:03to a guy at South by Southwest who said
1:05you know I have my own business I have
1:07to have my own business I always want to
1:08do what I want to do and I said yeah but
1:11you've got your own business there's got
1:12to be a lot of stuff that you have to do
1:14that you don't want to do what do you do
1:15about that and he said actually it's a
1:17really big problem for me because I only
1:19want to do what I want to
1:22do and I know it limits my business and
1:26this got me started to thinking about
1:27how people respond to the ideas of rules
1:31and how they respond to habits now most
1:33of us have had the experience of trying
1:35to adopt a good habit or squelch a bad
1:39habit it turns out that it is very
1:43important to know yourself and your own
1:46nature when you're trying to do this
1:49people are very different from each
1:52other when you're trying to adopt a
1:54habit you're trying to impose a behavior
1:57on yourself you're trying to give
1:59yourself a rule and people respond very
2:03differently to the idea of rules and by
2:09rules I also mean habits demands
2:11expectations requests anything like that
2:14now I think that people fall into one of
2:16four categories which reminds me of that
2:19old joke that the world is made up of
2:21two kinds of people the kind of people
2:22who like to divide the world into two
2:24kinds of people and the kind of people
2:25who don't um and I am definitely in the
2:27former category and in this situation I
2:31believe that there are four categories
2:33of how people respond to the idea of
2:35rules so what I'm going to do is I'm
2:37going to go through briefly the four
2:39categories then I'm going to ask you to
2:42raise your hand and to identify what
2:44category you think best describes you
2:47and then I'm going to go through the
2:48four categories a little more deeply so
2:51that you can be thinking about yourself
2:54or the people that you work with or who
2:56are close to you and how uh you might
2:59think about the implications of their
3:00category when you're trying to work
3:03together but here is a note of caution
3:07whenever I talk about the
3:10categories I often get the sense that
3:12some people are deciding that one
3:14category is the best category or one
3:17category is the category that everybody
3:19ought to belong to and people are trying
3:22to cram themselves into that
3:24definition like anything having to do
3:26with self- knowledge this exercise will
3:29only only be successful if you are
3:32honest with yourself each of these
3:35categories has pros and cons each of
3:37these categories includes people who
3:39have been super successful and big big
3:41losers so be
3:44truthful now these categories have to do
3:47with how you respond to the idea of a
3:50rule and a rule can be an external rule
3:54which is something like
3:56deadlines doctor's orders a request from
4:01a
4:01sweetheart or it can be an inner rule
4:05your New Year's resolution your decision
4:09to write a novel in your free time so
4:12how do you respond to the idea of inner
4:14rules and outer
4:15rules first is the upholder the upholder
4:19responds very readily to Outer rules and
4:21inner rules alike they meet the deadline
4:24they keep the New Year's resolution next
4:27are the
4:28questioners questioners
4:30question all rules but if they think a
4:34rule makes sense they will follow it
4:38next
4:40Rebels the rebel resists all rules outer
4:45rules and inner rules
4:48alike and finally the obligers obligers
4:52respond readily to Outer rules but they
4:55struggle to impose rules on themselves
4:59so now let's go through the categories
5:01who here would say that they're an
5:04upholder I am an upholder 100% upholder
5:06how many
5:09upholders okay how many PE okay and
5:12about questioners let me say this
5:13questioners often come with a tendency
5:15towards upholding or a tendency towards
5:18rebelling so they questioners come in a
5:20couple different flavors who here would
5:21describe themselves as a
5:25questioner okay now the rubble
5:31and finally
5:34obligers
5:36heyy we'll get to that um this is very
5:39interesting because in my experience the
5:41two Rebel is the smallest category
5:43upholder is the second smallest category
5:45and questioners and obligers are the two
5:47largest categories and I can never
5:48really figure out which is the very
5:50largest category so this audience is
5:51pretty representative of that so now I
5:54want to go through and talk about each
5:57of the categories so you can think about
5:59well if you're in this category How
6:00Could You motivate yourself better how
6:02could you create structures that will
6:04allow you to succeed and when you're
6:05thinking about other people how can you
6:07motivate them and how can you create
6:09structures that are going to help them
6:11succeed because so much of what we do is
6:13dependent on other people so first is
6:15the upholder and again they respond out
6:18to Outer rules and inner rules so
6:21upholders are very motivated by
6:22fulfillment both the Fulfillment in the
6:25simple way like the store fulfilled the
6:27order check and also by f fillment in
6:30the sense of that warm feeling of
6:32accomplishment that you get from
6:33achieving something that's what
6:35upholders respond to they very much want
6:40to know the rules and what's expected of
6:41them they want to avoid making mistakes
6:45getting blamed or letting people down
6:49and
6:50significantly they or include themselves
6:53they do not want to let themselves down
6:56they have a very strong sense of
6:58obligation to their own rules so an
7:00upholder wakes up and thinks what's on
7:03the to-do list today what's on the
7:04schedule today let's start checking it
7:07off so what are the pros and cons of
7:09being an upholder or working with an
7:11upholder it's pretty clear compliance
7:15learning the rules sticking to the rules
7:18that's what upholders like to do and
7:20they are very good at self-starting if
7:24they say they're going to do something
7:25they're going to do it they don't need a
7:26lot of supervision they don't need a lot
7:28of accountability
7:30they also are very good sometimes at
7:33seeing the rules beyond the rules they
7:35are very interested in learning the
7:36rules but they're also thinking well
7:38what are the rules that no one's even
7:39seen yet so in something
7:42like like art or ethics they're looking
7:46for the rules beyond the
7:49rules what are the cons of being an
7:52upholder or working with an upholder
7:55well they're the dark side of the pros
7:57upholders can be very rigid they can be
7:59very constrained by the rules because
8:02they don't want to break those rules in
8:03fact they're sometimes paranoid they're
8:06so worried about breaking rules they may
8:07be being obedient to rules that don't
8:09even
8:11exist they can sometimes be overwhelmed
8:14and paralyzed if they're in an
8:15environment where the rules are
8:17ambiguous or where there are no rules
8:20now sometimes an upholder can be great
8:22in that situation because they'll help
8:23figure out what the rulle should be but
8:24sometimes they don't know what to
8:27do and there's a relentless quality to
8:30upholders that can be very draining for
8:33people around them upholders have a
8:36certain idea of how people should behave
8:37and how they should behave and they're
8:38going to do it and they really don't
8:40have a lot of sympathy for people who
8:42are not on that train and I think
8:45sometimes about my law school roommate
8:46an upholder who I think told me she had
8:49skipped going to the gym five times in
8:51the last three years that's an
8:55upholder the questioner and as I said
8:58questioners can be upholders tendency or
9:00a rebelling tendency they'll follow the
9:02rules if the rules make sense so
9:05questioners are motivated by sound
9:07reasons
9:08why they must decide for themselves that
9:12something makes sense and they will not
9:15follow rules with which they do not
9:18agree or which they think are
9:21arbitrary a questioner wakes up and
9:24thinks what needs to get done today so
9:28what are the pros and cons of questions
9:30well questioners are very intellectually
9:31engaged why why why why why they want to
9:34understand they can be very healthy for
9:36organizations because they're the ones
9:37who say why are we doing it this way why
9:39are we writing this at
9:41all and if they believe a rule makes
9:44sense they will follow
9:46it the
9:48cons if they don't think it makes sense
9:50they're not going to follow it and they
9:53may not bother to tell
9:55you you know you say hey I thought I
9:58told you that that was do on Friday they
9:59said well you didn't I I don't think you
10:00need that till Wednesday so you'll get
10:02it Tuesday
10:04night or they might say my doctor told
10:08me to take this her pressure medication
10:09but it's expensive and I don't feel any
10:11different so I'm not going to take
10:15it questioners can often sometimes be
10:18paralyzed if they feel like they see
10:21arguments on both sides or if they feel
10:23like they don't have perfect information
10:26so their need for information can
10:28sometimes trip them up
10:30anding questioners can be
10:33exhausting why why why why why just do
10:35it
10:37already and questioners themselves will
10:39say that they feel exhausted by their
10:43own need to constantly understand and to
10:46question and to prove that what they're
10:48doing is the right thing and also for
10:51questioners and this is true for all the
10:52categories the fit is very very
10:56important because if you have a certain
10:59tendency and you're in a job that's not
11:01right for that tendency it can be a big
11:03problem for instance I was talking about
11:06these categories with somebody and he
11:09said oh my God now I know why I hate my
11:14job I'm a questioner and I'm a tax
11:22accountant so being a tax accountant
11:25would be a great job for an upholder
11:27because it's all about the rules and
11:28following rules and that' be enormously
11:31fulfilling but for someone who's like
11:34why is it this way why is it that way
11:35why are we doing it this way why is the
11:37law written in this way drive him crazy
11:40so it was a bad
11:42fit next the
11:45rebel resist outer rules and inner rules
11:49alike Rebels are motivated by
11:53present
11:54desire they want to do what they want
11:59want to
12:01do and if you ask them or tell them to
12:06do
12:07something not only will they not do it
12:11they are very likely to want to do the
12:16opposite they resist all control
12:20importantly even
12:22self-control they do not give themselves
12:26rules they want to do what they want to
12:28do do they choose to act from a sense of
12:33freedom and they do love to Flat the
12:39rules but interestingly Rebels can
12:42sometimes be winkled into doing things
12:46with certain trains of thought certain
12:48Frameworks of doing something one of the
12:51most uh most frequent is I'll show
12:56you I don't think you could train for
12:59Marathon I'll show
13:02you um I don't think you can get into an
13:04IV League school I'll show you that's a
13:06friend of mine biggest Rebel in the
13:08world but she rebelled her way right
13:10into Harvard
13:14um
13:17or I'm not going to take out the trash
13:19every night because you want me to but I
13:23will choose to do it out of love for you
13:29so Rebels wake up and think what do I
13:31want to do
13:34today now what are the pros and cons of
13:36a rebel again it's pretty obvious once
13:38you see the category so Rebels are not
13:41constrained by the rules they're happy
13:43to break the rules they get a kick out
13:44of breaking the rules so they can think
13:46outside the box they can do things that
13:47other people don't feel comfortable
13:49doing or wouldn't even think of doing
13:51because they're these Rebels and they
13:53have they want to do what they want to
13:55do so they have a high level of
13:58Engagement because they're doing what
13:59they want to
14:01do what are the
14:03cons well it can be frustrating to work
14:07with somebody
14:09who doesn't want to do what you ask them
14:11to do or tell them to do and who very
14:14likely may want to do just the opposite
14:18you know and with some rbls it's to the
14:19point where you're like hey read this
14:21book you're going to love it you're like
14:23I I'm not going to take it I don't want
14:25it I hate it you know this is a rubble
14:27thing I'm not going to do it because you
14:29tell me to and even Rebels themselves
14:33will talk about the difficulty of
14:36managing this tendency in themselves
14:39because every time they try to give
14:41themselves a habit give themselves a
14:42rule they immediately resist it so
14:45unless they can get themselves in the
14:47frame of mind that I talked about
14:48earlier find a way to do it it's very
14:51hard for them to stick to it because
14:52they resist all control even
14:56self-control next the obliger
14:59they can do the outer rules they have
15:01trouble with the inner rules so obligers
15:04are very motivated by external
15:06accountability in a way this is the
15:08category where it's easiest to like
15:10account for it just you know
15:13structurally they find it very difficult
15:15to fulfill an obligation to themselves
15:17but they really hate letting other
15:19people down they're very very motivated
15:21to do what's expected of them and so as
15:24a consequence exactly as you would
15:25predict they respond very readily to
15:27external structures of accountability
15:30things like deadlines
15:32coaches Partners trainers late fees
15:36they're often very motivated by their
15:38own responsibility as a role model and
15:41even to just simply being monitored is a
15:43form of
15:44accountability so o blinders wake up and
15:47think what's expected of me
15:51today so what are the pros and cons pros
15:54it's great to work with an obliger
15:56they're going to do what they say
15:57they're going to do they're very Rel
15:59relable they're great for the team for
16:02the obliger really the cons fall most
16:05heavily on the obligers themselves and
16:08obligers know this they will often say
16:10things like I'm a people pleaser or why
16:13is it that I can do everything to meet
16:15other people's demands and expectations
16:17and needs and desires and yet I can
16:18never take time for myself they feel
16:21that they don't have a counterbalancing
16:23obligation to
16:25themselves and as a result they're very
16:28susceptible to burn out because they
16:31will push and try and say yes to other
16:33people but they won't pull back and take
16:35care of themselves and so they're very
16:37likely to burn
16:38out and also they're not good at
16:41self-starting um because let's say
16:44they're an AC in Academia there's no one
16:46saying like how about this week have you
16:48been working on your PhD thesis or have
16:50you been going to those lunches to
16:51network with your future colleagues no
16:53one's checking on them so it doesn't get
16:55done so they're not good at things that
16:56are self are that are have to do with
16:58self start
17:01so the last thing that I would say about
17:03these categories is that once you see
17:06how people fit together it's much easier
17:08to to figure out for yourself or for
17:11others how you might create
17:13circumstances that would help people
17:14succeed get done what they need to do
17:17and keep the habits that they want to
17:19keep and um and the circumstances in
17:22which they can Thrive because as with
17:25everything related to happiness and
17:27habits and just about everything else
17:29the secret is self- knowledge the better
17:33you know yourself your own nature your
17:35own interests your own value your own
17:37temperament the better able you are to
17:40bring these elements into your everyday
17:42life and therefore to be happier so
17:45thank you
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17:49[Applause]
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