Full transcript
0:00Healing isn't about fixing what's wrong
0:01with you. It's about unlearning whatever
0:03beliefs made you feel like you were
0:04broken in the first place. And if I'm
0:06honest with you, my entire dating life
0:08and half of my marriage was a disaster
0:10because I didn't understand that I had
0:12anxious attachment. And all anxious
0:14attachment is is it simply a term that
0:16describes patterns of behavior that come
0:19from not fully trusting the connection
0:21that you have in a relationship that
0:23it's going to last. So, instead of
0:25feeling secure and grounded in love, we
0:28feel unsteady. Our minds default
0:30everything we can to not be abandoned,
0:33but instead we abandon ourselves. Now, I
0:35know what you might be thinking. Okay,
0:36but I have good reasons not to fully
0:38trust love or connection because of how
0:40badly I've been hurt in the past. And
0:42you're absolutely right. I don't know
0:44your story, but I do know that somewhere
0:47along the line your brain was
0:48conditioned to believe that love needed
0:51to be earned, right? And that connection
0:53required you to put other people above
0:56yourself, and that it wasn't safe to
0:58show up as your authentic self, right?
1:01And today my goal is simply to help you
1:02understand a little bit more about
1:04yourself and why you might have a
1:06tendency in your relationships towards
1:08overthinking or overgiving or putting
1:10someone else above yourself. If you're
1:12anything like me, you're trying to
1:13figure out why you feel like too much
1:16and not enough at the same time, right?
1:19You're the main one that tries to repair
1:20conflicts, or maybe you just avoid them
1:22like the plague like I do. You might
1:24even get a little jealous at times, and
1:26you need a little bit more reassurance.
1:28You feel clingy even though you don't
1:30want to. And the truth is it can be
1:32exhausting and embarrassing, but it's
1:34important to remember that none of these
1:36behaviors are bad or random. They are a
1:39product of your nervous system trying to
1:42keep you safe from losing connection.
1:45You can almost think of it like
1:46programming. At some point your brain
1:47learned love isn't stable. Connection is
1:50unreliable. So, naturally as a child or
1:53young adult, your brain came up with
1:55with
1:55If I over-accommodate to avoid conflict,
1:58we can stay connected to the people that
1:59matter most to us. If we become really
2:02good at reading people's moods,
2:04we can stay safe. If we over-analyze and
2:06question ourselves enough, we can make
2:08sure we don't do anything to jeopardize
2:09love. If we put their needs above our
2:12own, surely they're going to love us
2:13back, right? But the trick in all this
2:15is not to feel shame about these
2:17behaviors. Your body is responding
2:19exactly how it should. Your nervous
2:21system is simply trying to prevent
2:23abandonment. The problem is, and this is
2:26extremely important to understand, the
2:27very strategies we often use to protect
2:30love can be the same strategies that
2:32push people away or just increase our
2:34anxiety in general. We have to change
2:36the programming because it's not
2:38actually doing us any favors anymore.
2:40The good news is, if anxious attachment
2:43is simply learned patterns of behavior
2:46that came from past experiences, then
2:48healing isn't about fixing ourselves.
2:50You're not broken, but we do need to
2:52learn new patterns of behavior that
2:55actually serve us in our adult
2:57relationships instead of operating from
2:59a place of fear. And I know what you're
3:01going to say because I would have said
3:02the same thing. Okay, but I wouldn't be
3:03so anxious if they weren't so avoidant
3:05or inconsistent. I wouldn't
3:06over-function in the relationship if
3:08they would just step up. That's what's
3:10so frustrating.
3:11And you're absolutely right.
3:13And it's still true that out of everyone
3:16you could have partnered up with,
3:18your nervous system gravitated towards
3:20them. And not just that, but that's a
3:22pattern in your life where you choose
3:24people who don't really reciprocate the
3:26effort you're putting in.
3:28Right? And I'm certainly not here to
3:29blame you. I was right there with you. I
3:31know that they didn't used to be so
3:34avoidant. You feel a little tricked,
3:35don't you? Me, too. I know that feeling.
3:38We're angry because we put the bar on
3:41the floor and they still tripped over
3:43it, right? And yet we have to wrestle
3:46with the question,
3:48why is our bar on the ground? Because
3:49for me, I didn't know how to pick it up.
3:51I didn't know what I was allowed to
3:53need. I didn't know what I should and
3:55shouldn't tolerate. Anyone else there? I
3:58didn't know how to advocate for myself.
4:00I didn't know why it felt so scary to be
4:01vulnerable and honest with them when I
4:04was hurt. I didn't know why it felt so
4:06selfish to talk about my needs and
4:08desires. And the bar just kept getting
4:10lower
4:11and lower and lower. The first step in
4:14healing is realizing you aren't broken.
4:16We can't go into this thinking we're
4:17broken and we need to be fixed. You're
4:19not messed up. You're not damaged goods.
4:21You're not flawed. It's not some future
4:23version of you that's worthy of love.
4:25You are lovable and deserving of
4:27kindness and respect and consideration
4:29right now just as you are. And we can
4:32still hold ourselves accountable to
4:34behaviors that aren't serving us
4:36anymore. Both are true. But how we view
4:38ourselves is extremely important to
4:41healing because sometimes we attract the
4:43love we think we deserve. Sometimes
4:46we teach other people how to treat us
4:48based on
4:49our self-esteem and our self-worth and
4:52our fears, right, about relationships or
4:55being abandoned. And if you want to
4:57heal, I really need you to start at
4:59least trying to see yourself in a
5:01positive light. You don't have to like
5:03where you are in life right now. You
5:05don't have to like some of the bad
5:06habits that you've created. But I need
5:08you to try to like yourself.
5:10Cuz you're so important here on Earth.
5:12You are perfectly positioned right now
5:14to help other people
5:16with the same things that you might have
5:18struggled with in the past or you're
5:19currently struggling with. You haven't
5:21wasted any time. We're all learning the
5:23same life lessons. And a common theme
5:25that will be throughout this entire
5:26video that I need you to keep thinking
5:28about is how would you think about your
5:29best friend? If deep down your best
5:32friend didn't really feel like they
5:33deserve to be prioritized or cherished
5:35in a relationship, what would you say?
5:37If your best friend made a mistake, what
5:39would you say? How much would we remind
5:41them that they deserve someone who
5:43considers them just as much as they
5:44consider others. That they deserve
5:46someone who respects them and puts in
5:48the effort. And when they make a
5:50mistake, they can hold themselves
5:51accountable and also give themselves
5:54grace and forgiveness. That's exactly
5:57what you would say to them. So, why
5:59can't we say that to ourselves?
6:02Because we need to. So, the first step
6:03in healing is replacing self-criticism
6:06with self-reflection, replacing shame
6:08with self-compassion. We need to name it
6:11to tame it. We need to be honest with
6:13ourselves. What behaviors can we hold
6:15ourselves accountable to because they're
6:17simply not serving us anymore. That's
6:19what we need before we actually change
6:21anything. Okay, so what does that look
6:22like? It looks like noticing these
6:24patterns in real time and then being
6:26compassionate with ourselves. I'm
6:28noticing I'm overthinking. I'm noticing
6:30a tension here. I feel like I need to go
6:32and fix this. Even though I don't think
6:34I did anything wrong, I'm noticing that
6:37I'm ruminating about this. I keep
6:39analyzing it in my head, making sure
6:40that I didn't somehow mess up. For me,
6:42it meant pausing, taking a break, going
6:45on a walk, journaling, because I
6:46desperately wanted to do something to
6:48fix these awful feelings inside of me.
6:51But, healing starts when I simply notice
6:53those feelings. And instead of trying to
6:54immediately get rid of them, we do the
6:56opposite. We hold space for them. We ask
6:59our body, "What are you trying to tell
7:01me? I'm right here. I'm listening." Now,
7:03what it was trying to tell you is
7:04probably, "If you don't do something
7:06right now, then something bad's going to
7:07happen, right?" It's trying to tell me,
7:09"I need to fix this, or I'm going to
7:11lose something that's important to me."
7:13And those are good signals. It's
7:14important that our body can tell us
7:16stuff like that. And we also know that
7:19our bodies are extremely fine-tuned to
7:21that. And sometimes rushing in to fix
7:24things or doing something right now,
7:26like drive to their work to make sure
7:27that they're still there because they
7:28haven't answered our our texts. I did
7:31that. Is not actually the best thing to
7:33do. Okay, then what are we supposed to
7:34do instead? We acknowledge the feeling.
7:36We tell it, "Thank you for trying to
7:38protect me." Because that's what it's
7:39trying to do, right? It's trying to help
7:41you stay safe and connected. And we
7:45remind ourselves that we aren't going to
7:47lose anything by pausing and making a
7:50wise decision in this moment. For me,
7:52it's almost helpful to picture another
7:54version of me. You can call it your
7:55inner child, you can call it your
7:56anxious self, whatever helps you
7:58visualize. But for me, my anxious self
8:00was trying to tell me, "We're going to
8:01lose them if you don't do something."
8:04And I would say to my anxious self,
8:05"You're scared of losing something
8:07that's important to you. That makes
8:08sense."
8:09That's holding space. And we can also
8:12say, "Hey, when we're worked up like
8:13this, I don't think it's always the wise
8:15decision that we go and do something
8:17immediately. So, let's pause. Let's go
8:19for a run. Let's journal. Let's talk to
8:21someone that we trust." The point I'm
8:23trying to make is that healing required
8:25me to learn to sit in the discomfort. It
8:28doesn't mean I never acted on those
8:29feelings. It just meant I didn't act
8:31just because the alarm bells were going
8:33off in my body saying that I needed to
8:35act right now or something bad was going
8:36to happen. That's a huge step in our
8:39healing journey. Just learning to sit in
8:41the discomfort. Pausing and taking a
8:43breather when you're in that stressed,
8:46anxious, activated sympathetic nervous
8:48system response is always the wise
8:51choice. It makes sense that you're
8:52afraid. It makes sense that you want to
8:54fix things. I know those feelings, but
8:56please hear me when I tell you this, you
8:58are never going to lose a healthy, safe,
9:01connected relationship because you tried
9:04to pause and ground yourself and collect
9:07your thoughts and not act out of fear.
9:09That's just not the way relationships
9:11work. The right partner for you will
9:13always be glad that you chose to pause
9:15and reflect instead of simply reacting.
9:18It's also really important for those of
9:20us who struggle with anxious attachment
9:22to explore and acknowledge the stories
9:23and assumptions that we've created in
9:25our heads about what happened and then
9:28challenge those.
9:29Just because they haven't texted back
9:31doesn't mean they're losing interest,
9:33right? It can mean that. It can also
9:37mean they're busy at work. Just because
9:39we saw a picture of them from an event
9:42that we didn't know they went to,
9:44doesn't mean they lied to us.
9:45We can interrupt our brains from
9:47spiraling and remind ourselves, I'm
9:50creating that story. The feelings I'm
9:53having are valid and worth exploring and
9:54acknowledging. The stories or
9:56assumptions aren't necessarily true and
9:59need to be challenged. Now, that doesn't
10:01mean we never talk to them about it. It
10:03doesn't mean we just sweep things under
10:05the rug. It means don't sit there and
10:08let your mind ruminate. Tell it no. I'm
10:11not going to go down that rabbit hole.
10:13Is that hard? Of course it is. It's like
10:15a well-walked pathway in our mind. We're
10:18so used to doing it, we don't even
10:20notice it anymore. But healing says, I'm
10:22going to intentionally try to walk a new
10:25path. We have to admit that it's at
10:26least possible that sometimes we get the
10:28story wrong. Sometimes we could give
10:31them the benefit of the doubt. We can
10:32lead with the most generous
10:34interpretation of what happened until we
10:36get more details and we talk to them.
10:39That's a choice that we can make. That's
10:42another path that we can take. But what
10:44we can't do is just throw our hands up
10:46and say, I can't do that because it's
10:49hard, because you can do that and it's
10:52hard. Okay, so what's the most common
10:54way to get more emotionally regulated
10:56when we're activated and we're in that
10:58anxious response. And that's deep
11:00breathing. You're going to hear deep
11:02breathing from everybody. So,
11:03the reason that's important is because
11:05when our nervous system is in a
11:07sympathetic
11:09aroused state,
11:11deep breathing tells our body, hey, I'm
11:15actually safe here.
11:16You know what I mean? You can't run away
11:18like our body thinks we need to run away
11:20from a lion, but we're telling our body,
11:22hey, I'm slowing things down.
11:25Deep breath in, slow deep breath in,
11:27hold.
11:29Deep breath out. Slow, hold. Now, is
11:32that going to fix the problem? Are you
11:34going to feel so much better after those
11:36deep breaths? No. I mean, it doesn't
11:38help me in that way, but it does help
11:41our brain get out of the fear center and
11:44come back online to the rational logical
11:46part where we can think more clearly.
11:48All right, next I notice tensions that
11:50I'm carrying in my body. I relax my
11:52shoulders. I focus on certain areas and
11:54try to relax those fully. And it's
11:57amazing how many areas I find that are
11:59tense. You can also exercise, journal,
12:01talk to someone that you trust. All of
12:03these help ground us and center us and
12:06help us make the wise choice instead of
12:08simply acting out of fear. So, that when
12:10we bring it up, which sometimes we
12:13should, we're doing it from a healthy
12:15grounded space where we can take
12:18accountability for our own feelings.
12:21Right, we don't say, "You made me feel
12:23this way." Just "I'm feeling a certain
12:25way about this thing that happened." We
12:28talk about the stories that we've
12:29created, not necessarily to condemn
12:33them, just to inform them of our inner
12:34world. Hey, when this type of thing
12:36happens, my brain goes here. That's just
12:39It's not something I necessarily want to
12:40happen. I'm just informing you of that.
12:43But, we can have a much more vulnerable
12:45and honest conversation with them about
12:47it where we can ask for clarification,
12:49but we're doing it in a healthy way.
12:50What we don't want to do is gaslight
12:52ourselves into thinking that we
12:53shouldn't need or bring it up because
12:56that would just start another fight or
12:58we're making a big deal about nothing.
13:00Bringing it up in a calm way and asking
13:02for some reassurance and clarification
13:04is actually a huge step towards healing.
13:08All right, that transitions us perfectly
13:10to the second step of healing anxious
13:11attachment and that's learning about
13:13your needs. Once we start noticing our
13:15patterns with compassion, the next step
13:17is understanding what we actually need
13:19in relationships because you can't
13:21advocate for needs that you don't even
13:23believe you're allowed to have. And you
13:25can't have a successful relationship
13:28unless your legitimate healthy needs are
13:30being met. That's true on both sides.
13:33Now, I know what you might be thinking,
13:34"Jimmy, I don't have needs. My only job
13:37is to put everyone else's needs above my
13:39own. Having needs is selfish, right?" I
13:42used to think that way, and I can tell
13:44you from personal experience that only
13:46leads to exhaustion, burnout, and
13:48resentment, which spoiler alert doesn't
13:50feel great in a relationship, either.
13:52And part of the reason most of my dating
13:54relationships weren't healthy was
13:55because I refused to acknowledge or
13:57communicate my needs directly because I
14:00didn't know what they are, I was afraid
14:02to be labeled as too much, or I was
14:04afraid, "What if I don't actually need
14:05that? And I'm pushing them away with an
14:08unjustified need." So, as anxious
14:10attachers, oftentimes we don't even know
14:12what we're allowed to need, right? So,
14:14let's go over them. You are allowed to
14:16need consistent communication. That's
14:18someone who makes a plan if they're
14:20going to be busy. They don't just
14:22disappear for days with no explanation.
14:25They follow through. They text or they
14:27call regularly. This is not neediness.
14:30This is just called being a reliable
14:31human. Next up is the need for
14:33reassurance. This is a tricky one, but
14:35the truth is in every relationship,
14:37everyone needs some level of
14:38reassurance, right? Needing someone who
14:40verbally and nonverbally expresses that
14:43they still want to be with you. That's
14:45not being needy. That's just being
14:47human. Now, our job is to trust their
14:49efforts that they're actually making to
14:51reassure us. Their job is to make sure
14:53that they're intentionally communicating
14:55consideration and care and desire and
14:57love because most people don't need
14:59grand acts of reassurance. It's the
15:01small consistent stuff that goes a long
15:03way. Next up is the need for emotional
15:05responsiveness. Dr. Sue Johnson says
15:07that this is the glue that holds all
15:09relationships together. This is what
15:11makes or breaks everything.
15:13Are you both being emotionally
15:15responsive? That means stepping into
15:17each other's inner world and being a
15:18safe place for your partner to to
15:20vulnerable about the things that are
15:22most important to them. When they bring
15:24up a feeling in a respectful and
15:25vulnerable way, are you emotionally
15:27responsive? That means leading with
15:29curiosity and empathy and validation.
15:31Thank you for telling me that. Tell me
15:33more. I can totally see how that made
15:36you feel that way. Do you make it
15:37evident that you are attempting to
15:39understand them better or are you
15:41unintentionally creating an environment
15:43where they don't feel safe to share?
15:45Just because this stuff might not come
15:47naturally to you, doesn't mean it can't
15:48be learned. If I learned it, anyone can
15:51learn it. And it takes both of us
15:54putting in this work for a relationship
15:56to work. The trick is to get rid of our
15:58defensiveness and our dismissiveness and
16:01our invalidation. And both of us
16:04collectively working hard to create a
16:06safe space for us both to be vulnerable
16:09and honest without anyone feeling
16:11attacked or without having to find the
16:13perfect words so our partner doesn't get
16:16defensive. That does not mean that we
16:18get to express our hurts or concerns
16:20however we want. If we're all practicing
16:23emotional responsiveness, we also need
16:25to obviously be practicing maturity and
16:28respectfulness when we bring things up
16:30without blame or criticism or
16:32accusations, right? All right, next up
16:33is the valid need for repairing after
16:36conflict. Because of course we're all
16:38going to mess up and we're all going to
16:39fight sometimes. Surprisingly, it's not
16:41the fights that destroy connection. It's
16:43the inability to repair the
16:46disconnection that ends relationships.
16:49We both need to be able to revisit
16:50moments of disconnection and say, "I
16:53want to own my part in this. I need to
16:55apologize for the way I handled this.
16:57Here's what I'm going to do next time.
17:00What can I do to help repair this?" And
17:03then we go through the responsiveness
17:04formula again. Curiosity of how my words
17:07and actions affected you. Validation of
17:09your feelings and experience. Empathy
17:12for your perspective, right?
17:14Understanding you. Making a plan to
17:16change any hurtful behavior in the
17:18future and then following through.
17:20That's what repairs disconnection.
17:21That's what builds trust. Sweeping it
17:23under the rug
17:24never does. All right, the next valid
17:26need is simply effort. It's healthy to
17:28need someone to put effort in. It takes
17:30two people working on a relationship for
17:32it to work, right? Now, your definition
17:34of effort and their definition of effort
17:35are obviously going to be different.
17:37However,
17:38we can all agree that if there's too
17:40much of a chronic mismatch in
17:41definitions with no ability to
17:43compromise, then the relationship simply
17:45can't work. Because one of you is always
17:47going to feel neglected and the other is
17:49always going to feel smothered or
17:51attacked. I'm sure none of us have ever
17:53experienced that dynamic before, right?
17:55But the point I'm trying to make is it's
17:56not wrong for you to need affection and
17:59connection and consistency and
18:01appreciation and someone who follows
18:03through on what they said they were
18:04going to do,
18:05someone who values you and treats you
18:07with respect, someone who doesn't call
18:10you names or belittles you, and someone
18:12who can apologize
18:14when they mess up. These are normal
18:16needs in the context of an intimate
18:19long-term relationship. The wild thing
18:21is we feel selfish for advocating for
18:23those needs because we've believed the
18:25lie that we shouldn't have them.
18:27But let's just look at the opposite. Who
18:29in their right mind would think a
18:30relationship would work if someone
18:33wasn't respectful and they weren't
18:35consistent, who didn't care about
18:36connection, and they
18:38rarely if ever apologized? Who thinks
18:40that that relationship would ever work?
18:43Part of healing anxious attachment,
18:44especially in dating, is taking emotion
18:46out of it, which I know is impossible,
18:48but I can do it for you. I don't really
18:50care if you love this person. I don't
18:51care how long you've been together. I
18:53don't care what your vision for the
18:54relationship could be in the future. If
18:58they have no interest in meeting the
18:59needs that I just described because it's
19:01not important to them,
19:03this relationship isn't going to work. I
19:04mean, you already know no amount of
19:06explaining with the perfect words is
19:07ever going to change someone else's
19:09mind, right? And no amount of you trying
19:10to convince yourself that you shouldn't
19:12need those things is going to result in
19:15a fulfilling relationship for you. Part
19:17of healing anxious attachment is
19:19understanding I'm not too needy for
19:21needing certain things in a
19:22relationship. Connection and closeness
19:25will always require certain needs from
19:28both people. For too long we've let
19:30other people tell us that we're asking
19:32too much. When the truth is they just
19:34weren't willing to put in the effort.
19:36You have to get to the point where you
19:37know I'm not asking for too much here.
19:40And trust that if they end things
19:42because they simply don't want to be
19:44consistent in their communication,
19:45that's actually a good thing in the long
19:47run for your overall relationship
19:50success. Is that hard? Of course.
19:53But it's also necessary. All right,
19:55since we went over healthy needs, let's
19:57go over unhealthy needs. An unhealthy
19:59need would be expecting immediate
20:01responses and complete access to
20:03someone. Expecting them to read your
20:05mind instead of clearly communicating
20:07something. Making them responsible for
20:09your emotional state. Meaning, you make
20:12me so anxious. That's why you need to
20:13change so you don't trigger me anymore.
20:16Another unhealthy need is the need for
20:18closeness, but it's masked in control.
20:21So you need to do all these things. You
20:22need to let me see your phone even
20:24though you've never betrayed me before
20:26or I need to test your love by starting
20:28a fight with you making sure that you
20:30still care about me. Do you see the
20:32difference? Healthy needs stem from
20:34the pursuit of safety and self-love and
20:38emotional connection in the
20:40relationship. Unhealthy needs stem from
20:43fear and a need to control. Healthy
20:45needs say, "This is what I've noticed I
20:47need in a relationship to feel valued
20:49and safe. And it makes sense if that's
20:51not exactly the same for you. We're two
20:52different people. However, if I don't
20:55have these things consistently,
20:57I just don't think that this particular
20:59relationship could work for me. That
21:01doesn't make you a bad person. It just
21:03means you're not my person. Unhealthy
21:05needs say, "I'm going to shame you and
21:07belittle you if you don't act a certain
21:09way." All right, that brings us to our
21:11third step in healing anxious
21:12attachment, and that's that we need to
21:14change the way we're communicating.
21:17If we're all going to agree that
21:19relationships take two people putting in
21:21the work for them to work, if we're all
21:23going to agree that relationships should
21:25be a safe place for each other to show
21:27up as our authentic selves, right? We
21:29shouldn't be scared to actually show up
21:31as who we are.
21:32>> [snorts]
21:33>> We should be able to be honest and
21:34vulnerable with each other about the
21:36things that are important to us.
21:38If we truly believe that, then we have
21:40to start practicing it. And I don't know
21:42about you, but as an anxious attacher,
21:45that's really hard.
21:46I know this stuff logically, but
21:48actually doing it is a different story.
21:50But, as your big brother, I need you to
21:52know
21:53you aren't doing yourself any favors by
21:54staying silent to keep the peace. That
21:56only leads to resentment or you feeling
21:59neglected later on. And a big part of
22:01healing anxious attachment is learning
22:03how to practice being assertive and
22:06standing up for ourselves in the areas
22:08that matter most to us in the
22:10relationship. Not as a way to manipulate
22:13them, not in a rude way or critical way,
22:16just in a vulnerable and honest way.
22:18Because for me, dropping hints is always
22:21easier. Expecting them to read my mind
22:23is easier. Telling them once, but then
22:25getting resentful when they didn't
22:27actually do the thing that I asked them
22:29to do, and then shutting down, pulling
22:30away, and then when they ask what's
22:32wrong, just saying nothing, ignoring
22:34them, or blowing up over something small
22:36and getting into a fight was easier.
22:39What was so much harder was actually
22:40simply being honest and vulnerable and
22:42saying, "It really hurts that I
22:44communicated this to you earlier, and
22:46then the same thing happened today." Or
22:48hey, what I've noticed is I really need
22:50more X, Y, and Z to feel connected in
22:52this relationship. I'm not trying to
22:54attack you, I'm just trying to be honest
22:56with you. And I can say the same excuses
22:58that we all come up with. It wouldn't
23:00doesn't how I said it, Jimmy. They're
23:01not going to listen. And you might be
23:03right. But if that's true, you would
23:06also agree you're not protecting the
23:07connection by avoiding the topic, right?
23:10You're not helping the relationship by
23:12avoiding that discussion.
23:15So, when you really think about it, the
23:17only path to the relationship that you
23:19deserve is talking about it because
23:22silence isn't going to help anything.
23:24And of course, I'm only advocating that
23:26you do this in safe environments. We
23:28don't set boundaries with unsafe people.
23:30We don't get assertive about our needs
23:32with abusive people. We get safe from
23:34those types of people through distance,
23:37not through conversations. But even in
23:39safe environments, I can still admit I'm
23:42scared to be vulnerable.
23:44I'm scared to start a conversation that
23:45could turn into a conflict where they
23:48either push back or tell me that I'm
23:50being too needy.
23:52But if you want to heal,
23:53you have to practice doing it anyway.
23:55Cuz I have a habit of feeling
23:57responsible for someone else's emotions.
23:59I default to catastrophizing or staying
24:02silent or convincing myself I'm making a
24:03big deal about nothing.
24:05I default to thinking I need to come up
24:07with the perfect words so they don't
24:09take it as an attack or get defensive.
24:11Because at the root of it,
24:13I'm scared. But the truth is healthy
24:15safe relationships shouldn't operate
24:17from a place of fear. That doesn't mean
24:19you won't ever be afraid, but it does
24:21mean that your partner shouldn't want
24:23you to be.
24:24And when you are afraid, we should be
24:26able to communicate that and be met with
24:28empathy, and validation, and
24:30reassurance. And if that's not possible
24:33in your relationship, then of course it
24:35makes sense why you feel disconnected
24:37and potentially hopeless and frustrated
24:40because that's where that path leads,
24:42right? When honesty and vulnerability
24:44are punished, intimacy and connection
24:47always erode. And what's so hard is
24:49we'll build up the courage to share
24:51something vulnerably and honestly,
24:54and when they dismiss us or get
24:55defensive, I would backtrack or shut
24:58down or apologize or soften my need, try
25:00to fix any of the disconnection that I
25:02might have caused for my honesty.
25:04But healing comes when I realize I'm not
25:06responsible for their emotions. I'm
25:08responsible for expressing things
25:10respectfully.
25:12There's a big difference. And we can say
25:13to them when things are calm, "Hey, I
25:16need to be able to bring things up and
25:18feel heard and understood. And this is
25:20what that looks like for me exactly. I
25:22know conflict is hard for you, you feel
25:23attacked, feel like I'm calling you a
25:26failure, but that's not what I'm trying
25:27to communicate at all. I'm trying to
25:29communicate how we can feel closer
25:30together and feel more connected. And I
25:33need both of us to agree to a standard
25:35together of how to get this right and
25:37what we can both do differently as a
25:39team. Part of healing anxious attachment
25:42for me was simply learning to stand up
25:44for myself, and that just takes
25:46practice. It takes doing one small scary
25:49thing at a time, like bringing up
25:51disconnection even though it might cause
25:53a conflict, being assertive about some
25:55of your desires, right? Even if it's
25:57just one small thing.
26:00And then not backtracking when they
26:03when it's met with a little bit of
26:04resistance, even though that's scary,
26:06right? It's not your job to control
26:08their emotions, just sit in that
26:10discomfort. Because believe it or not,
26:12you will never find the perfect words to
26:14make someone understand you that doesn't
26:16actually have a desire to understand
26:18you.
26:19The right partner for you, you can
26:21communicate things in a respectful but
26:23clumsy way and they will lean in and try
26:26to see where you're coming from and try
26:27to empathize with you instead of punish
26:29you for sharing. Secure behavior is
26:32going to feel uncomfortable at first if
26:33you have anxious attachment. Standing up
26:35for yourself is going to feel selfish.
26:38Not over-functioning in the relationship
26:41and actually advocating for your
26:43boundaries and a healthy balance in the
26:45relationship is going to feel like
26:47you're risking the relationship ending,
26:49right? Pausing instead of immediately
26:51trying to fix something
26:54is going to feel like you're doing
26:55something wrong. But you're not. Your
26:57nervous system is used to anxiety being
26:59the signal to act. So, when you start
27:01doing something differently, calm can
27:04actually feel unsafe at first when
27:06you're used to chaos. But that doesn't
27:08mean you're doing anything wrong. It
27:09means you're rewiring pathways. So, give
27:12yourself grace not to get it perfect.
27:14All right, the fourth step to healing
27:16anxious attachment is really hard, but
27:18it's essential. You have to learn to be
27:19okay with some relationships ending.
27:22That doesn't mean it isn't hard, doesn't
27:24mean you don't feel it deeply.
27:26And of course, if they break up with
27:27you, you're still going to feel
27:28rejected. I get that. You're going to
27:30question yourself. You're going to
27:31wonder if you could have done something
27:33differently.
27:34But you have to remember that
27:36you're always the one asking those
27:38questions. They don't lay awake at night
27:41ruminating about how they could have
27:43showed up better in the relationship.
27:45Only you're doing that. Healing comes
27:47when we break out of that fantasy that
27:49things might get better if, right? I
27:51stayed in that fantasy for a long time.
27:53Things might get better when they're
27:54less busy or when they get therapy.
27:58Things might get better if I could learn
28:00more about the root of narcissism or
28:02their pain and heal them with my love.
28:04And I don't know if this was your
28:05journey, but I wanted to save people. I
28:07wanted to be their savior and save them
28:09from their abandonment wounds, from
28:11their alcoholism, from their depression.
28:13I wanted to save them so they would love
28:15me and they would need me and always
28:18want to be with me. But it's not our job
28:20to save people who don't want to put in
28:21the work to heal. You can't do that work
28:23for them. And it's time that we see
28:25their behavior as consistent
28:27communication of their capacity and
28:29interest and desire for things to be
28:31healthy and safe and mutually fulfilling
28:34in a relationship. It's time we ask
28:36ourselves if nothing changed in 3 years
28:38from now,
28:39how would I feel? Because trust me when
28:42I say that hope is a powerful drug that
28:44can keep you stuck for a very long time.
28:46And I'm certainly not saying we
28:48shouldn't fight for certain
28:49relationships to succeed. I'm asking
28:51you,
28:52are they fighting alongside of you? Are
28:54you both fighting as a team for a safe,
28:57connected, intimate
28:59partnership together? Or are you trying
29:02to get strong enough so you can carry
29:04the weight of this relationship all by
29:06yourself? Because over-functioning is
29:08easier than facing the grief that they
29:10don't have the capacity or interest in
29:12loving you in the ways you deserve to be
29:13loved. I initiated. I forgave. I carried
29:16the emotional labor. I repaired all the
29:18conflicts. I helped hold the
29:20relationship together because it felt
29:21like if it falls apart, I'm going to
29:24fall apart.
29:25But healing helps us realize, if it
29:28falls apart,
29:29I will be okay. It's easier to do their
29:32work for them. What's harder is holding
29:34them accountable. What's harder is
29:36finding the courage to set a standard
29:38for how you know you deserve to be
29:40treated. What's harder is to pick your
29:43bar up off the floor because then you
29:45have to deal with the terrifying
29:47question,
29:48what if they leave? Now, if you're
29:50dating, we don't need to swing the
29:51pendulum in the opposite direction and
29:53just ghost them, not initiate anything,
29:55be rude to them. We just need to be
29:58honest with ourselves.
29:59I feel like I'm putting in more effort.
30:02Why?
30:03Because I'm afraid. That makes sense.
30:05But it's not always healthy for me. And
30:07I'm committed to showing up in a new way
30:09that ultimately honors and values my
30:12effort. So, I'm going to have a
30:13conversation with them about it. The
30:15truth is it's actually okay if we're not
30:16aligned on what we both want and need.
30:18And that hurts, but it's going to be
30:20okay. It has to be. That's what heals
30:23anxious attachment. It's growing and
30:25developing and nurturing our trust in
30:28ourselves again. The most important
30:31relationship we have is the one with
30:33ourselves, right? They aren't where our
30:36safety is supposed to be found. We
30:38aren't children anymore. When we were
30:40kids, our safety was found in our
30:41primary caregivers. But sometimes our
30:44brain is stuck in that old programming
30:46and we have to remind it, we will not be
30:49abandoned anymore. We don't need to
30:51them. We can want them in our lives, but
30:53we don't need them to feel safe anymore.
30:55But the only way to cultivate that
30:57self-trust and that feeling of safety in
31:00ourselves is by building it brick by
31:02brick. Spend more time with friends,
31:05right? Build a life that doesn't revolve
31:07around romantic partnerships. Go to the
31:09movies or dinner by yourself, journal.
31:11Remind yourself that you've got this.
31:13You don't need anyone else to feel whole
31:15or worthy of love.
31:17Remind yourself that you have value.
31:19Yes, it's nice when other people echo
31:21that,
31:22but we have to be doing that for
31:23ourselves first. That's what people mean
31:25when they say that we should meet our
31:28own needs. It doesn't mean that we
31:30should love being single. We can still
31:32want and need companionship. That's
31:34okay. What's not okay is using someone
31:36else to externally validate our worth
31:38and value. What's not okay is needing
31:41someone to choose us because when we
31:43need someone to choose us out of fear of
31:46being rejected, then the end justifies
31:48the means. Meaning whatever we do to get
31:50this person to stay with us is
31:52justified. But what that ends up being
31:54is us making ourselves small and not
31:56bringing things up and not being
31:58authentic and not holding them
31:59accountable. And it results in us
32:01staying in relationships where we don't
32:03even ask ourselves, is this relationship
32:05fulfilling for me?
32:07Because it doesn't matter as long as we
32:09feel safe that they want us, then
32:11everything's okay, right? Okay, then how
32:13do we stop that?
32:14By starving the unhealthy bond. By
32:16realizing that love addiction is real. I
32:20was addicted to the highs and lows of
32:23this relationship. I was addicted to the
32:25intermittent reinforcement. And that
32:29addiction had to die. And that wasn't
32:31easy. That was painful.
32:34But it was also necessary. We stop it by
32:36creating a standard within ourselves
32:38first about how we know we deserve to be
32:41treated in a relationship. By coming up
32:43with all that before we even meet
32:45someone, and then actually sticking to
32:47that standard as difficult as that is.
32:50Because when we don't create a standard,
32:52someone else tries to create one for us,
32:54and it usually benefits them, not us. We
32:57stop self-abandoning by recognizing when
33:00we are over-functioning out of fear and
33:02not communicating our feelings and needs
33:04and desires, and remembering that those
33:06who stay silent start a war in
33:08themselves. We stop it by speaking up
33:11instead of just saying, "It's fine." By
33:13speaking up instead of just going along
33:15with the plans that you weren't excited
33:16about. By being honest when someone asks
33:19you to do something and we don't
33:21actually have the capacity, we say, "I
33:22really wish I could,
33:24but I can't." Because you want to know
33:25the wild part? Healthy people actually
33:28want you to tell them no. Just ask
33:30yourself, do you want your friends
33:32telling you yes when they really mean
33:33no? No, you wouldn't want them feeling
33:36pressured or overextended by you, right?
33:38The same is true for you. You deserve
33:40people in your life that don't want you
33:42to say yes when you really mean no. So,
33:44start saying no. The people that are the
33:46most upset by your boundaries are
33:48usually the people who benefited most
33:50from you not having any. And yes, of
33:52course it feels selfish at first because
33:54you're not used to having a safe space
33:56where you can actually be vulnerable.
33:58And that's what you have to change if
33:59you want to heal. Find safe people that
34:03actually want to know your boundaries
34:04and needs and desires and preferences.
34:07Find your people who actually want to
34:08know the real you,
34:10and you want to know the real them.
34:11Spend time with those people. Experience
34:13what safety and connection actually
34:15feels like, and then build a fulfilling
34:18life outside of your romantic
34:20partnerships. And then,
34:22when someone who you truly feel like
34:24would add value to your life comes into
34:26your life, go slow, and don't give up on
34:28that other those other partnerships,
34:30even if your nervous system wants to
34:32spend every minute with this new person,
34:34take things slow and don't jump into
34:36anything too quickly. That doesn't mean
34:38you have to be terrified of commitment,
34:40but for me, I know I would get too
34:42sexual too quickly, and that would only
34:44make me bond to them even quicker. When
34:47we really, in reality, we don't even
34:49know this person, right? We should not
34:51be bonding to anyone that we barely even
34:53know. Part of healing is taking things
34:55slow, even though that might risk the
34:57other person losing interest because
34:59they aren't getting exactly what they
35:00want out of this relationship as quickly
35:02as they hoped. Trust me, you are worth
35:05waiting for and putting in the work to
35:06get to know and building trust slowly
35:09with. Everyone's afraid of dating
35:10narcissists, right? Do you know the best
35:12prevention for dating a narcissist? Go
35:15slow.
35:16Their love bombing doesn't work on you
35:18because you're trying to build trust
35:19slowly. You're being direct and
35:21assertive with your communication.
35:23You're setting clear boundaries up front
35:25about what you have capacity for, right?
35:28They will see that as a threat to the
35:30control that they're trying to gain in
35:31the relationship, and they will most
35:33likely make fun of you or shame you or
35:35belittle you because of it. But since
35:37you've built a solid foundation of
35:38healthy love in your life, them shaming
35:40you or making a big deal about you
35:42communicating your needs will
35:45immediately be a turn-off. In the past,
35:47you might have backtracked or believed
35:49them that you were being too much or
35:51even tried to prove your worth or
35:53continue explaining yourself or arguing
35:55with someone who is clearly only
35:57interested in their own perspective, but
35:59not anymore. Once you know how safe,
36:02connected relationships feel, you stop
36:04arguing with people who aren't curious
36:05with you. You're not willing to waste
36:07your time or energy on someone who
36:09clearly doesn't have an interest in a
36:11mutually respectful relationship.
36:14There's no more time for games or power
36:15dynamics. They can take their ego and
36:18pride and superiority somewhere else.
36:20Healing anxious attachment doesn't mean
36:21caring less, and it doesn't mean loving
36:23less. It simply reframes things to
36:25include you in that equation as well.
36:28You deserve consideration and love as
36:29well. But the only way we can experience
36:32true connection is by advocating for it
36:35and being assertive about our values and
36:37needs. We're no longer abandoning
36:38ourselves just to prevent from being
36:40abandoned. We're no longer operating
36:43from a place of fear.
36:44We can still be afraid at times. We all
36:46are.
36:47But we're not going to make decisions
36:48solely from that place. And over time we
36:51build our trust in ourselves and with
36:53other safe people and we experience
36:55consistent connection and we give
36:56ourselves grace and compassion for our
36:59anxieties and fear and we will
37:00experience a deeper love not just with
37:02others
37:03but with ourselves that we haven't felt
37:05in a long time and we can be proud of
37:07the progress we made and we can know
37:09that we're setting ourselves up for not
37:12just the best relationships but the most
37:14fulfilling life for us because
37:16relationships are one of the best gifts
37:18we have on this earth. So let's make
37:20them count. Thank you so much for
37:21listening. I hope this was helpful in
37:23some way.
37:24Can't wait to see you in the next one.