Full transcript
0:00How do you quickly spot someone's number
0:02one insecurity?
0:03>> I don't know about quickly. Well, you
0:04can do it very quickly. To teach you it
0:06would take a few minutes. Let's Let's go
0:07into it if you want to do it. So,
0:08there's The first thing is you need to
0:10spot what they need from other people.
0:12So, typically if I if I know what you
0:14need to be seen as from other people, I
0:17know what was probably missing in your
0:19childhood, right away.
0:22And there's six social needs that we
0:24teach at NCI University. And these are
0:26significance, approval, acceptance,
0:29intelligence, pity, and power. And I
0:33need It's not that I need to be
0:34powerful. I
0:36It's not that I need to be significant
0:38or accepted. It's I need people to see
0:40that I am those things. So, if you're
0:42just in a casual conversation and you
0:44hear somebody say, "Oh, yeah, I've been
0:45working there for 20 years and it's
0:47still everybody calls me up even after I
0:49retired. They still call me and ask for
0:51my advice." That's significance. You're
0:53hearing significance right away. If you
0:55hear, let's just make it a company they
0:57used to work for. Somebody says, "Yeah,
0:59I actually worked there for 20 years. It
1:00was the greatest group of people.
1:01Everybody takes care of each other."
1:03Boom, acceptance. You're hearing it
1:04right away. Or if you hear somebody say,
1:06"Yeah, I mean, I worked at that company
1:08for 20 years, but that doesn't mean I'm
1:09going to be good at this speech
1:10tomorrow. I always mess these things
1:12up." Just so you'll say, "Oh, no, Jack,
1:14you're going to do great. You're going
1:15to be really good. You did You did great
1:17last time. You know your stuff." That's
1:19approval. Or you hear somebody say, "I
1:20worked at that company 20 years and it
1:22was right after I got my master's degree
1:24in blank and I wrote my paper on this,
1:26which led me to a managerial position
1:28over there." Intelligence. Or you say
1:30Somebody says, "I've been working at
1:31that company 20 years and they never
1:33really pay attention to anybody. It was
1:35horrible. We had horrible hours coming
1:37in. Our boss was a total asshole." Pity.
1:39The pity needs person is one of the most
1:42confusing. It's that they want you to
1:44understand how bad they had it or how
1:47much they went through. Our instinct
1:49with a pity person is to say, "No, man,
1:51it's not that bad. You know, it was
1:53pretty good. You got a good paycheck.
1:55You had a good time." That's not what
1:56they want. What we'll ask on pity,
1:58what's the best thing to say?
1:59>> Somebody says like, well, I was in that
2:01relationship for way too long and now
2:03I'm starting to go to college and now
2:05I'm starting to get my own job, but it
2:06was still abusive and I still think
2:08about it all the time. My response to
2:10that person might be like, you know, I
2:11think I don't know how you keep it
2:12together. I think most of these people
2:14that see you every day, they have no
2:15idea what you've been through and what
2:16you've endured to get where you are here
2:18today.