Full transcript
0:04I've got to remember what my mom said
0:05about my posture right
0:14I'm Joe
0:16so I was born um javaria and that was my
0:21given name I became really conscious at
0:24quite an early age that the name was
0:26quite problematic to pronounce in a
0:29British context it got to the point
0:31where
0:32I knew my name was about to come up on
0:35the register and then I could recognize
0:37the teacher struggling and
0:41pondering how how he or she would say
0:44the name
0:45and feeling really embarrassed and
0:49feeling as if attention was being drawn
0:53to me or was about to be drawn to me in
0:55a really uncomfortable way I was just
0:57this complicated name on a register
1:00that would present a challenge in terms
1:03of having to say it out loud
1:09if they're struggling with that it makes
1:11you feel like your identity doesn't
1:12matter as much or it makes you feel
1:14othered
1:16because
1:18you're made aware that you're different
1:20because your name is different
1:22[Music]
1:24when I became
1:25older I realized that there was a
1:28currency to having an angular sized name
1:30like it was easier to pronounce you you
1:32were sort of accepted a bit more
1:34and you don't have to go through that
1:36embarrassment of
1:38being made to feel different so I
1:41changed to Joe
1:44when I was around I think informally
1:47maybe about 13 14 and then
1:50officially
1:53started going by that name in college so
1:5516 onwards
2:00any new acquaintance ship I made I would
2:03use the name Joel that's how it phased
2:05in
2:06and yeah it was instantaneous
2:09there's definitely more acceptability
2:11you won't have to justify yourself as
2:14much as to you know where you're from
2:16what your cultural values are
2:18parents are in all that kind of stuff
2:21it got to the point where my given name
2:24felt when if it was ever used it felt
2:26like I was in trouble
2:29and I stopped sort of identifying with
2:31it
2:36a few years ago I would have just
2:38categorically said I feel just Joe you
2:42know that's me
2:43um
2:44in recent years I've become more
2:48I felt more split
2:49between the two names now I'm thinking
2:52how much of that identity that Joe
2:56identity how much of that really
2:57represents me you know fully as a whole
3:04I think at the time when I was when I
3:06changed the name and all of those things
3:08I was subjectively emotionally engaged
3:11in the process of wanting to fit in you
3:13know it means and as I've grown older
3:16and lived my life I've realized actually
3:19there is no such thing as fitting in
3:21you know there's only different layers
3:23of performativity and I think Colonial
3:26legacies do lie in the in the way that
3:28we perceive ourselves and our identities
3:30and how we want to fit in the politics
3:33are intrinsically linked to race and the
3:36way they percolate in our behaviors and
3:39attitudes towards each other on a really
3:41micro level in our day-to-day social
3:42interactions to me they represent
3:44legacies of colonial ideologies
3:49um
3:52as I've grown older I've realized it's
3:54increasingly important to be authentic
3:56to oneself because that's what that's
3:59what will keep you grounded
4:01just going through a process of
4:02reflexivity on why I changed my name
4:06what that meant what it has meant for me
4:08to date
4:09what potentially going back to my given
4:12name and not using Joe at all maybe what
4:15what that would entail what that it's
4:17these are all kind of sort of questions
4:19really difficult questions I've been
4:20asking myself for a little a little
4:22while now
4:23and I'm still processing still working
4:26through them and I think when I've
4:28arrived at answers that feel comfortable
4:30then I'll probably have made a decision
4:32so watch this space don't be too
4:34surprised if I
4:36you've all been to like you know Dr
4:38javaria you know yeah
4:41[Music]
4:46[Music]
4:54foreign
4:57[Music]