Full transcript
0:03It sounds on the surface like the most
0:05withholding and mean-minded of
0:08strategies to go very slowly when we
0:11might at some level want to go very fast
0:14indeed. To say perhaps we might meet
0:16again in a couple of weeks rather than
0:18are you free tomorrow? To let at least
0:21four meetings pass before we hold out a
0:23hand. to assume that we can't for a long
0:26while really know who's come into our
0:28lives and so not to introduce them to
0:30friends, not to get into a regular
0:32rhythm over text and not to mention love
0:35until it's almost a different season.
0:38Such self-possession might sound denying
0:41and sad by such misliness. Modernity was
0:45supposed to have liberated us from
0:46decorum. We were supposed to have been
0:48able to let go of rigmarrollles of
0:50propriety for the untrabled callings of
0:54our hearts. But slowness does not
0:57necessarily need to have anything to do
0:59with prudishness or social moors. It can
1:02be where we land once we've built up a
1:05more profound understanding of the
1:07psychology of love. Whatever we may tell
1:10ourselves, love is far from being simply
1:13all we humans want. However heady and
1:16beautiful it might appear from a
1:18distance, it's something that may in
1:20actuality terrify us as much as it
1:23delights us. Something we're as much
1:26tempted to flee as to embrace. Caution
1:29is therefore logical. To stand helpless
1:32and vulnerable before another human, to
1:35hope that they will see us as we are and
1:37still care for us opens us up to a
1:40genuine and uncommon risk of
1:42devastation. If heartbreak can kill us,
1:46and it more or less can, no wonder if we
1:48should, at least in part, begin with
1:51modest steps. To the general terror,
1:55some of us have backgrounds that add
1:57another particularly intense layer of
1:59fear. We may have grown up in disturbed
2:02environments where the first rule of
2:04love was that it was scarce and
2:07unpredictably distributed. In our
2:09youngest years, we may have had to
2:11acclimatize ourselves to a very uneven
2:14supply of affection. Perhaps mother was
2:16unavailable and father was violent.
2:19There might have been a lot of sarcasm
2:21and not much patience for our sorrows or
2:23opinions. And therefore, the only way to
2:26survive would have been to withdraw, to
2:28learn to play alone, and to make our
2:30peace with a restricted emotional diet.
2:34So when someone arrives in adulthood
2:36promising us a banquet, when someone
2:38lays out dish after dish of generosity
2:41and care, when someone promises us
2:43unlimited kindness and tenderness, our
2:46first response may not be joy but
2:49nausea, not delight but panic. We may be
2:53unable to absorb or metabolize any of
2:56the rich nutrients before us, and
2:58without quite knowing why, in order to
3:00maintain our poise, may have no option
3:03but to turn on our kind hosts, blame
3:06them for being weak or odd, and run
3:09away. We might wish to tell them,
3:11"Please be so kind as not to be too
3:14kind. Please be generous enough not to
3:17overwhelm me. Please let me find my own
3:20way to reciprocation.
3:22On the other side of the ledger, we, the
3:24so-called generous ones, the banquet
3:26givers who like to move fast, should
3:29also be brave enough to question our
3:31behavior. It may look as if we're being
3:33purely and simply romantic. Paris on the
3:36second date, nicknames after a week, but
3:39we may turn out to be, beneath our bold
3:41gestures, something rather more
3:43complicated and sad, untenably and
3:46unhelpfully anxious. We lose our minds
3:49if we haven't heard from them in 2
3:51hours. We can't bear not to know their
3:53intentions before the arrival of
3:54dessert. We're giving a lot, not so much
3:57because we want to as because we have no
4:00confidence in ourselves as people with a
4:03solid claim to love. We are running to
4:05stay one step ahead of self- disgust.
4:08We're moving at lightning speed because
4:10our childhoods have taught us that love
4:12may disappear at any time, that nothing
4:14is solid, that we aren't worthy, and
4:17that the best way to prevent loss is to
4:19make outsized efforts, to lose ourselves
4:22in displays of devotion, and to prompt
4:24our beloved to say yes before either of
4:28us know who the other might really be.
4:32Mature love, by contrast, sits boringly
4:35but beautifully in a middle zone between
4:38frightened rush on the one hand and
4:40equally frightened withholding on the
4:42other. Its hallmarks are confidence,
4:45calm, and self-possession.
4:48Its essence is patience. The healthy
4:50lover has the wherewithal to think, "I
4:53like them, but I don't yet know them. I
4:56want them to stay around, but I could
4:58bear to live without them. I'm attracted
5:00to them, but I've got no need to act on
5:02my desires. There will be time. It
5:05sounds clever. It's in truth usually
5:08something far more automatic and
5:10instinctive. The legacy of a reliable,
5:13loving upbringing. For those of us who
5:16haven't benefited from such a gift, and
5:18there is no greater, we can nevertheless
5:20make a conscious effort to slow down our
5:22trepidations and our extravagances. Our
5:25attitudes to love can gradually become
5:28imbued with ease, serenity, and
5:30self-compassion.
5:32We can grow more certain that we will
5:34find someone here or elsewhere because
5:37we have much to offer. We can survive
5:40rejection. We can afford to delay and
5:42explore. We can take as much time as we
5:45need, paying constant and close
5:47attention to how comfortable we feel,
5:50avoiding any embarrassment at being
5:52uncertain by communicating our
5:54hesitations honestly. So that eventually
5:57one day when it finally feels right, we
6:00can take a thoughtful risk and reach out
6:03for their hand, knowing that we'll be
6:05able to survive whatever follows.