Full transcript
0:01I get and I'm here because I don't feel
0:03like I get boundaries um so I'm I'm
0:07trying to figure out like how it's
0:10different than pulling away how it's
0:12different than separating P okay good
0:14pulling away isn't isn't a boundary
0:16pulling away is I'm reacting and pulling
0:19away can be a boundary it's if I like
0:22I'm pulling away and I put words to it
0:24honey I got to go away for a little bit
0:26then I'm a little more awake around the
0:28whole thing if I'm just pulling away and
0:30I shut down and I go into silence or I
0:32go into like my room and I Retreat
0:34without using any kind of
0:36words I'm pulling away I'm a hurt kid
0:39I'm in my wound and I'm just not being
0:41an adult and the adults have left the
0:43building now and no one set a boundary I
0:46just did my pattern right so rather than
0:50do that which is again that's if that's
0:52the best we can do in any given moment
0:53that's okay that's better than sitting
0:55there dissociated pretending like we're
0:57listening you know so
1:00um but now like the next step is like
1:02putting words being able to put words
1:04like this is where the warrior Inner
1:05Warrior parent comes online to do the
1:09talking for the kid and even if it's a
1:125% of me I've got to muscle I got to
1:14train myself and muscle myself into
1:16words and say honey I'm blown out I'm
1:19taking space ideally I say I'm blown out
1:22I'm taking space and I'll be back X Y
1:24and Z tonight at 10: tomorrow morning
1:27we'll reconnect and check in but
1:30wow I'm so flooded and overwhelmed and
1:32done so I'm getting more wakeful right
1:35with my boundary because I'm putting
1:36words to it I'm in relationships still
1:39and then I'm taking a
1:41break does that help at
1:43all are you at that point so to me
1:47that's like sort of taking away choice
1:49or me hearing the other person correct
1:51I'm going to take this I'm going to go
1:54you have no choice in the matter that's
1:55right tough
1:57yep no idea what to do with that
2:01yeah eventually eventually because to me
2:03that means I don't care no it doesn't so
2:07that's your amesh right there it means
2:09you don't care right and then you
2:11project that onto her or him or whomever
2:14and there she's like you know um yeah
2:17you don't care and then you you're back
2:18in a loop again it's like let her feel
2:22whatever she's going to feel having you
2:25set your boundary that's her
2:27journey and it's her process now
2:30and ideally you're doing your boundary
2:32with care which is honey I care about
2:35you I'm so blown out I got to take space
2:38and I'll be back and I want to hear more
2:41from you but I have zero bandwidth for
2:43that right
2:44now I leave and then I come back at the
2:47time I said and and again if I'm in a
2:50committed long-term partnership when I
2:52leave um my wife knows and I I'm not
2:55able to put words to it or she's not
2:56able to put words to it I know she's not
2:58going anywhere at this point
3:01my little guy knows now she's not
3:03leaving the
3:05relationship she's not like peace out
3:08see you but initially it was
3:11like that's what I had to feel deep
3:17angst so it sounds like you just you're
3:19doing it right you just now need to add
3:22words and let her have her journey when
3:24you take space well that yeah on my side
3:27of the that equation I think I can do
3:29that receiving it is harder receiving
3:31what receiving a strong boundary that I
3:34don't feel those caring words coming
3:37back at me what do you feel out yeah
3:39okay what when someone says I'm out what
3:41happens for you
3:44uh hurt
3:48fear they don't care I want to
3:51shrink go hide and you feel what hurt um
3:56you said sad and do you feel some fear
3:59around losing
4:00relationship or I feel like I've already
4:02lost it yeah okay so you're probably go
4:05start to go into a little kid Zone and
4:07feel really a lot of upset yeah right
4:10but you want that you want to feel that
4:13so that you can get stronger there
4:15that's the whole point you want someone
4:17to be able to set boundaries so you get
4:18cast onto yourself to face what you've
4:20been
4:21avoiding this is why people don't set
4:25boundaries so it's my opportunity then
4:28to create myself
4:30not create yourself to be with yourself
4:32yep and get stronger and hold that one
4:35in you who is feeling Terror angst upset
4:38hurt and just be with and alone and
4:41alone totally alone abandoned helpless
4:44all that right that comes up for us
4:46when someone does a hard stop for us it
4:50and again it doesn't matter if it's mean
4:52polite in this path it doesn't matter
4:55it's our every version of it is still
4:57our opportunity to be with ourselves
5:00yeah it's preferable if people AR mean
5:02it's preferable if our partner says hey
5:04honey boundary time time out but it just
5:09you know we go in the back part of our
5:10brain folks and then we get kind of lame
5:13sometimes and we get we can't
5:14communicate we freeze and we shut down
5:16and we say stupid so why expect
5:19someone to be all clean and tight about
5:21it just have a preference hey let's
5:23tighten it up over time here that'd be
5:25great and thank you again for setting a
5:27boundary because guess what I got to do
5:29for the last hour I got to sit in my
5:32and I got stronger I was able to
5:35hold my guy man we had a good
5:36cry yes and now I'm really available but
5:40see again Warrior person has to know how
5:42to feel their experience and most people
5:45don't know how to do that so what do
5:46they do they
5:47freeze they just stay shut down and
5:49angry they go change the channel and you
5:51know watch sports or porn or go to work
5:54and work their ass off or eat sugar you
5:57know most people just don't want to be
5:59with their experience
6:01so they don't get anywhere what's that
6:03owned yeah right yeah dude I have my
6:07version okay helpful yeah thank you
6:10great question I think people were
6:11relating with that one for sure