Full transcript
0:00See, I'm like first-generation, but my
0:02my parents, they're like negative nine
0:04generation.
0:05Cuz they're so freaking Chinese.
0:08Like it's really hard for me to watch TV
0:09with my dad because he's trying to make
0:11me explain everything to him.
0:13And first of all, old Asian people, they
0:15don't watch TV, they judge the TV.
0:18This is like I'm just sitting next to my
0:20dad on the couch, and he's wearing his
0:22like old Asian man costume, which is
0:24just a wife beater and tighty whities.
0:28He's just sitting there, arms folded,
0:30judging the TV like
0:40>> [groaning]
0:44>> He just makes random noises around the
0:46house. Now, whenever he sneezes, it's
0:48never just sneeze, it's like a whole
0:50tsunami of sound waves that comes after.
0:54IT'S JUST LIKE
0:56>> [groaning and screaming]
1:02[groaning]
1:06>> I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE [ __ ] DID DAD JUST
1:07HAVE AN ORGASM? WHAT WAS THAT?"
1:10AND HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M
1:11SAYING HALF the time. He's like, "What
1:13was that? Was that an orgasm? Okay, it's
1:14an orgasm."
1:16Orgasm.
1:21And he's trying to make me explain
1:23everything to him on TV. Do you
1:24understand how difficult it is to
1:25explain a rap music video to an old
1:27Chinese man?
1:29We were just sitting there, and my dad
1:31was like, "Uh Jimmy, I
1:33Jimmy,
1:34what's that mean when he say Lamborghini
1:38Murcielago? What's that?"
1:41And I'm like, "Dad, he's bragging about
1:43his car. It's a Lamborghini Murcielago,
1:45very expensive car. You know what that
1:48is, right?" And he's like, "Oh, okay,
1:49okay, yes, yes."
1:52That's when you know they have no idea
1:53what the [ __ ] he just said.
1:55They're like, "Okay, okay, yes, yes, a
1:57Lamborghini, okay."
2:01Jimmy, uh
2:03What did he mean when he say
2:06your chica she so thirsty or what the
2:11And I was like um
2:14Dad, he's making fun of somebody's
2:15girlfriend, okay? Saying like she likes
2:17attention from other guys.
2:19And she likes to do sex stuff with them.
2:22You know, LIKE [ __ ] AND SUCH.
2:25And he's like, "Oh, okay, okay. Yes,
2:27yes. Yes." [ __ ] okay. Mm.
2:34Jimmy, uh
2:35Jimmy, uh
2:36I'm thirsty, too, okay? So, I was like I
2:39was like, "Oh, god. No.
2:41No. Got lost in translation.
2:44It's disgusting.
2:52I don't know if you guys know this, but
2:54uh I came from an acting family.
2:56But it's not really like Angelina Jolie
2:58and Jon Voight. I guess I'll be Angelina
3:00Jolie in that equation.
3:03My dad is also an actor, but he started
3:05acting after I did.
3:08Cuz he was like, "It's so easy. You can
3:10do it. I can."
3:14I'm like, "Dad, fine. If you think my
3:16life so easy, why don't you go to some
3:17open call auditions and you understand
3:19how hard it is, how much rejection I
3:21face every day at my job?" He was like,
3:22"Okay."
3:25And he went to all these auditions and
3:27he started booking everything.
3:30It's true story. He said he got on this
3:33show in China, in mainland China, called
3:36Little Daddy, Xiao Baba. Half a billion
3:38people watched that show.
3:40It's like the Big Bang Theory of China,
3:42and Richard blew up. And he was like,
3:44"This is easy. I don't know."
3:48And my mom had bought me gym shorts that
3:50was my exact size, an extra small.
3:53So, that wasn't very cool cuz came down
3:55mid-thigh.
3:57And apparently back in the day that was
3:59called a John Stockton.
4:03And the same kid next to me, that bully
4:05next to me, HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, HEY, LOOK
4:06AT HER. HEY, DON'T WEAR YOUR PANTS LIKE
4:08THAT. PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN, MAN. PULL
4:10YOUR PANTS DOWN." And I was like, "Who's
4:12the gay one now?"
4:18But I didn't know what to do. Everybody
4:19was looking at me and this kid kept
4:21saying, "Pull your pants down." So, I
4:23was like, "Oh
4:25I've seen Shawshank Redemption.
4:29Maybe that's just how it works in
4:30America."
4:31So, I start pulling down my shorts all
4:33the way down to my knees, all the way
4:34down to my ankle. AND THE SAME KID, THE
4:37BULLY NEXT TO ME, HE'S LIKE, "HEY, WHAT
4:38ARE YOU DOING? DON'T PULL THEM DOWN ALL
4:40THE WAY. THAT'S GAY." AND I'M LIKE,
4:43"WHAT IS NOT GAY IN THIS COUNTRY?"
4:47AND APPARENTLY this other kid next to
4:48me, he's like, "Hey, don't pull them
4:49down all the way. Just sag them a little
4:51bit. Just sag your pants."
4:53And I didn't know what sagging your
4:54pants meant. Apparently that's a cool
4:56hip-hop thing to pull your pants down
4:59halfway down your butt
5:01so you show everybody your
5:05And apparently that's the only not gay
5:07way to wear your pants in America.
5:11I had no idea.
5:17All these weird American things I wasn't
5:19used to.
5:20Eventually I learned how to speak
5:21English by watching a lot of TV,
5:24mainly BET Rap City.
5:28Cuz that was my I want to be cool and
5:30nothing cooler than BET Rap City, right?
5:32Every music video was a slice of
5:34somebody's American dream.
5:37The first music video I saw was Jay-Z's
5:39Big Pimpin'.
5:40You guys REMEMBER THAT?
5:42JAY-Z'S BIG PIMPIN' WAS THE GREATEST
5:44MUSIC VIDEO OF ALL TIME. IT WAS JAY-Z
5:47AND HIS BOYS ON A YACHT pouring
5:48champagne on this beautiful woman's face
5:50for like 4 minutes.
5:53I was like, this is America?
5:56It's amazing.
5:58That's all I wanted to do. Like before I
6:00even wanted to get into stand-up, that's
6:01all I wanted to do. I want to be a
6:02rapper.
6:04I want to be like Jay-Z and Big Pimpin.
6:06So, I started up my own rap group in
6:08high school.
6:09It's true story. It was me, my black
6:12friend Julian, and my other friend
6:13Eugene who was half black and half
6:15Japanese.
6:16So, we had perfectly one and a half
6:18black dudes
6:21and one and a half Asian dudes.
6:24And we called ourselves the Yellow
6:26Panthers.
6:31I know.
6:31I wish I was making this up, but I'm
6:33not.
6:35The Yellow Panthers was a real rap
6:36group.
6:38And we had a real rap song. It was
6:40called Underground Railroad Builder.
6:51I was confused.
6:55Eventually, I became a good
6:57Asian-American and I went to school to
6:59get an economics degree
7:02because that was the easiest degree that
7:03can still appease my Asian parents.
7:07But then after I graduated, I didn't
7:09want to do like econ or finance. So, I
7:11go went up to my dad. I was like, "Dad,
7:13I don't I don't want to do any of this.
7:14I want to go try and do stand-up." And
7:17he was like, "What's a What's a
7:18stand-up?
7:20You mean like a talk show?"
7:22I was like, "Yeah, sure. Talk show.
7:23Whatever you want to call it, okay? But
7:25I want to go pursue my dreams." And he
7:27was like, "No."
7:30"Pursue your dreams? How you become
7:31homeless?"
7:34I was like, "NO, NO, DAD, DAD, IT'S THE
7:35THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW. WE'RE IN
7:36AMERICA, OKAY? In America, we're
7:38supposed to do what we love." He was
7:40like, "No."
7:42"Everyone does what they hate for money
7:45and use the money to do what they love.
7:48But that still calls me like 20 times a
7:50day just to check up on me. It's
7:52annoying, but I understand that's how he
7:53shows love. I was talking to my friend
7:55here
7:56and he was like, "Oh, I haven't I
7:57haven't talked to my dad in 3 weeks."
7:59I'm like, "What is he in jail?"
8:02He was like, "No, I live with him. I
8:03just haven't talked to him in 3 weeks."
8:05I'm like, "You do understand if I don't
8:06call my dad back in 3 hours, he's going
8:09to call 911."
8:11911, WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY? MY SON IS A
8:13DEAD.
8:15IT'S LIKE, "SIR, is everything okay? Is
8:16your son dead?" He's like, "No, but he's
8:17a dead to me. Okay, bye."
8:24That's just how we show love.
8:27My parents, they've been married for 38
8:29years. Yeah, 38 years.
8:32It's beautiful, man. It's beautiful. 38
8:35years. One time I asked my dad, I was
8:37like, "Dad, after 38 years, do you still
8:40love Mom?"
8:42And he was like, "Love?"
8:46Your mom married me to escape communist
8:48China.
8:51It's a not love, it's a good deal.
8:56That's how we show love, people.
9:08I've been in this country for almost 20
9:11years now. I think I feel every bit
9:13American.
9:14But I think other people still don't see
9:16that.
9:17As an Asian American, a lot of times
9:19people see you as Asian before they ever
9:21see you as American. Even still till
9:23today, whenever I tell people I'm from
9:25Hong Kong, it's always the first thing
9:27they say. They're like, "Oh, yeah, you
9:28from Hong Kong?" Yeah, yeah, dude, from
9:30Hong Kong, yeah.
9:32Ni hao.
9:37Like, DO YOU THINK THAT'S IMPRESSIVE OR
9:38SOMETHING? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE
9:40MINDSET BEHIND THAT. YOU COMING UP TO me
9:42to say "Ni hao." It's like me coming up
9:45to you guys after the show. I'm like,
9:46"OH, YOU GUYS FROM HERE? YEAH, Y'ALL
9:47FROM HERE? HI."
9:52IT'S NOT IMPRESSIVE. IT'S IT'S ANNOYING.
9:54IT'S STUPID.
9:57I DON'T EVEN LIKE GOING TO CHINESE
9:58restaurants with some of my friends
10:00anymore. Cuz this is what they do to me
10:01every time. They're like, "Jimmy,
10:03you speak Chinese?
10:04You speak Chinese? YEAH, YEAH. ORDER IN
10:06CHINESE, BRO. THEY'RE GOING TO HOOK IT
10:07UP. ORDER IN CHINESE, BRO. BRO, ORDER IN
10:10CHINESE, BRO.
10:12I'm like, "Bro, we're Panda Express."
10:20She's Mexican. Like, what?
10:23Her name tag says Consuela.
10:27That's not Mandarin or Cantonese.
10:32Nothing has really changed, you know?
10:36Like about 10 years ago, I went on a
10:37college trip to Tijuana, Mexico.
10:40Because that's just what a good American
10:42college student would do.
10:45And the thing is, walking into Mexico
10:47from the US, they don't check anything.
10:49There's just a big revolving door. You
10:51walk right in. They don't even check
10:53your ID. It's easier to get into Mexico
10:55than a Costco. You just walk in.
10:57Ever since I was 5 years old, my mom had
10:59me believe that anything I do would make
11:01me sick.
11:03>> [laughter]
11:04>> You go outside without a jacket, you get
11:05the flu.
11:08You go to bed with THE FAN ON,
11:10PNEUMONIA.
11:13GOD FORBID YOU FALL ASLEEP WITH wet
11:15hair. You don't want to wake up. That's
11:16it. You're dead. That's it. You're dead.
11:18THAT'S FEAR-MONGERING, MAN.
11:22>> [applause]
11:26>> I'M NOT SCARED OF ANYTHING ANYMORE. I
11:27DON'T THINK I HAVE ANY fear anymore. I
11:29used to watch that show Fear Factor. You
11:30guys remember that show?
11:32That show Rogan hosted, Fear Factor, to
11:34make you face your fears, like jump off
11:36a helicopter, eat crazy [ __ ] like pig
11:39intestines and century egg. I ate that
11:41[ __ ] for breakfast.
11:44This is nothing to me. Fear is not a
11:46factor.
11:48I remember when I was like 10 years old,
11:49little boy. I was very scared because
11:51there was this one kid, pretty sad
11:53story, in my class he had childhood
11:55leukemia. And he lost all his hair to
11:58chemo and everything, looking real
11:59frail. And I was really scared. I was
12:01like, "Oh my god, is he going to be
12:03okay?"
12:04And my mom, she's a great mother, she
12:05saw how scared I was, so she came up to
12:07console me. She was like, "Jimmy, ah
12:11Jimmy, ah
12:13you see
12:14this is what happens when you play too
12:16much video games."
12:23That's fear-mongering, okay?
12:26I never played a game of FIFA after
12:27that.
12:29>> [laughter]
12:30>> My mom was like the original fake news.
12:34I don't like going outside anymore. Too
12:36many crazy people, too many weirdos.
12:38One time I went to this dive bar
12:40in a military town, San Diego, big
12:42military town. I love my military, okay?
12:44But I think sometimes, yeah, yeah, but I
12:47think sometimes
12:48military people get a little too
12:50passionate.
12:52You know?
12:53Thank you. Thank you.
12:55Exactly my point right there.
12:58Thank you. I love military, but they're
12:59just too passionate. Like I was at a
13:01dive bar, this one military brother came
13:03up to me, he was just like, "Hey man,
13:06I WANT TO BUY YOU A DRINK."
13:08I'M LIKE, "NO, NO, thank you. I can I
13:09can buy my own drink. Thank you." He's
13:11like, "No,
13:13I want to buy you a drink."
13:15So at this point, I thought either he
13:17wanted to take a selfie or he wanted to
13:20[ __ ] me.
13:22So I'm like, "No, SIR, I THINK I CAN BUY
13:24my own drink." And he start telling me
13:26his whole life story. He's like, "YOU
13:27DON'T UNDERSTAND.
13:29I WANT TO BUY YOU A DRINK
13:31BECAUSE I WAS STATIONED in Okinawa for
13:33years
13:35and you guys have been nothing but nice
13:36to me."
13:40>> [applause]
13:45>> I'm like, "You guys? You guys?
13:48Okinawa's in Japan. I'm Chinese, sir."
13:53He was like, "It doesn't matter, man. It
13:54doesn't even matter."
13:57I'm like, "SIR, I THINK IT DOES MATTER,
13:58all right?
14:00I'm pretty sure the only reason you were
14:02stationed in Japan was to keep an eye
14:04out on Chinese people like me.
14:08It does matter." He was like, "It
14:09doesn't even matter, man. I still love
14:11pad thai, okay?"
14:17Maybe that guy will run into BTS on his
14:19next tour, who knows?
14:23My point is saying all of this is Asian
14:26people, we don't all look alike. We
14:28don't all sound alike. You know, we
14:30don't even we don't even do anything
14:31alike. We're just people, you know?
14:33Right? Like everybody's different. Thank
14:35you, white lady. Thank you. Thank you,
14:37one white lady. Appreciate it. Thank
14:39[applause] you.
14:40She teaches magnet school down the
14:41street, a lot of Asian students.
14:48So, tonight I want to offer you guys an
14:50advanced lesson
14:51on how to tell Asian people apart, okay?
14:55Yeah, that's right.
14:56I'M SO GOOD AT TELLING Asian people
14:57apart, I don't even need to look at you.
15:00I can tell you what kind of Asian
15:02somebody is by the sound they make when
15:05they're disappointed.
15:10Cuz disappointment is our strongest
15:12emotion.
15:14Whenever we get disappointed, our
15:15ancestor just comes out and you can't
15:18hide that, you know?
15:20Like for example, I'm Chinese. I know
15:22Chinese people very well, okay? When
15:24Chinese people get disappointed, we're
15:25just disgusted. We don't want to look at
15:28you.
15:29When you disappoint a Chinese person,
15:31they're just like, "Oh, you shit."
15:36>> [applause]
15:37>> Like they just walked into a smoky room
15:39and they got to clear it. Just like,
15:40"Shh."
15:46See, that's Chinese people.
15:48Japanese people When Japanese people get
15:50disappointed, they just want to know
15:51why.
15:53They ask you a question.
15:54When a Japanese person get disappointed,
15:56they're just like, "Eh?"
16:00>> [laughter]
16:01>> "Eh?"
16:03And that's it.
16:06You don't go to disappoint a Korean
16:07person.
16:09I wouldn't recommend that.
16:14Cuz Korean brother might [ __ ] you up,
16:16okay?
16:17Korean people are intense. They're ready
16:18to fight. But they're my favorite type
16:20of people because they're very
16:21emotionally honest. A Korean person will
16:24let you know when they're disappointed.
16:25They're real guttural with it. You know
16:27what I mean? When you disappoint a
16:28Korean person, THEY'RE LIKE,
16:34BUT THEY'RE STILL VERY ASIAN, SO THEY'RE
16:36STILL REAL POLITE. They'll thank you
16:37with that. THEY'RE LIKE,
16:42MY GIRL ASKED ME, SHE WAS LIKE, "BABE,
16:44WHAT'S YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE?"
16:46>> [laughter]
16:47>> I'm like, "What?"
16:50She's like, "You know, your love
16:51language. Like how do you convey love to
16:53your partners and loved ones? Like for
16:55example, a love language could be words
16:57of affirmation."
16:59I'm like, "Words [laughter] of
17:00affirmation?"
17:03I was raised BY ASIAN PARENTS.
17:07>> [applause]
17:08>> I'VE NEVER HEARD ONE word of affirmation
17:10IN MY LIFE.
17:13NOBODY EVER TOLD ME, "JIMMY, YOU'RE so
17:15great. You can do it." THEY'RE LIKE,
17:16DON'T [ __ ] IT UP.
17:20>> [applause]
17:21>> THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE WAS VERBAL ABUSE.
17:27Trying to figure out my love languages.
17:30Physical touch, right? Isn't that a love
17:33language? Nobody touched me until I was
17:3522.
17:37I'm not familiar with that.
17:39>> [laughter]
17:41>> What are some other love languages?
17:46I like I like every woman just screaming
17:48out at their partner, "ACT OF SERVICE!"
17:52"GIFT GIVING!"
17:56>> [applause]
17:59>> I THINK GIFT GIVING IS A GOOD ONE, OKAY?
18:01I love giving gifts to my girl, she
18:03loves giving gifts to me. We love that,
18:05right? Like for example, I love buying
18:07my girl shoes. She loves shoes, and we
18:10wear the same shoe size.
18:14THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY,
18:15you know what I mean?
18:17These are her shoes tonight, you know?
18:19They fit me perfect.
18:20>> [cheering]
18:22>> That's right. And in return, I let her
18:25wear all of my Jordans.
18:27Yeah, guys, you guys know that's love.
18:29Cuz Jordans to guys, that's our most
18:30prized possession. If we let you slip
18:33into our Jordans, that's like you
18:35letting us slip in to you.
18:39Same thing.
18:43But sometimes sometimes I get a little
18:44nervous because her feet are a little
18:46dirty, okay?
18:49And she's a white girl, so her feet
18:51extra dirty. Like you know what I mean?
18:52Like I don't know
18:53>> [cheering]
18:54>> White people, I don't know what the [ __ ]
18:55you guys do WITH YOUR FEET ALL DAY.
18:58YOU GUYS JUST BAREFOOT ALL TIME?
19:00FROLICKING AROUND like Jenny from
19:01Forrest Gump, YOU KNOW?
19:04>> [applause]
19:06>> WHITE PEOPLE, YOU GUYS GOT SOME
19:07STRONG-ASS FEET, MAN.
19:10JUST 120° OUTSIDE, HOT CEMENT. Just like
19:15Y'all got some hunter-gatherer feet.
19:20>> [applause]
19:21>> See, every culture, we got different
19:23feet etiquette, all right?
19:25White people want to get in touch with
19:27Mother Earth. That's great.
19:30Black people, on the other hand, I lived
19:32with a black roommate for 6 years. Never
19:34saw his toes once.
19:38HE CAME OUT THE SHOWER WITH SOCKS ON,
19:40MAN. I'm like, "Yo, yo, what the
19:42You got A SOCK DRAWER IN THERE,
19:43BROTHER?"
19:48Asian people, you guys know the rule
19:50when you come into the house, you take
19:51your shoes off, right? You're like, "We
19:53all KNOW THAT." YEAH.
19:54YEAH.
19:56>> [applause]
19:56>> BUT OUR BUT OUR FEET ACTUALLY NEVER
19:58touch the floor.
19:59Cuz when you take your shoes off at the
20:01house, we got two pair of house shoes
20:02ready for you.
20:04And then when you walk outside, we got
20:06two pair of Crocs ready for you.
20:08And then when you come back in the
20:09bedroom, we got two other pair of
20:11slippers that we stole from a HOTEL IN
20:13VEGAS.
20:17>> [cheering]
20:18[applause]
20:19>> WE'RE READY.
20:20OUR FEET NEVER TOUCH the floor. We got
20:22baby-soft feet.
20:27I think Asian people, our most natural
20:29love language is act of service, right?
20:31That's what our parents did to us. They
20:33might never say I love you, but they did
20:36a lot of nice things for us. Every Every
20:38night I don't care how busy my parents
20:39are, they'll come home and make a
20:41five-course meal. That's love right
20:43there, right? Yeah, give it up for them.
20:44Yeah, give it up. See, we live in a very
20:46frivolous society, man. Everybody loves
20:49to brag about how much [ __ ] they have,
20:51how much money they make. We all brag.
20:52We all guilty of this. We all just do it
20:54in subtle, different ways. Like white
20:57people, for example. White people never
20:59brag about how much money they got. They
21:01always just brag about how expensive
21:03their life is.
21:05Like, "Oh, Joey just started private
21:08school. It's so expensive.
21:11And our remodel is totally going over
21:14budget.
21:16Oh, and you wouldn't believe how much
21:18money we spent going to Fiji.
21:21I'm like, okay, Katie. I see your life,
21:23okay?
21:24It's a luxurious. Good for you, okay?
21:28Black people, on the other hand, a lot
21:30more straightforward. Black people just
21:32tell you exactly how much money they
21:33spent on something.
21:35It's great. You guys see it in like my
21:37black friends or even like rappers,
21:38right? They love to brag. They're like,
21:40this car, 80 thou.
21:42>> [laughter]
21:45>> My mama's house, 500 thou.
21:48This chain, a million dollars, man.
21:51>> [laughter]
21:51>> I'm like, okay, you clearly don't have
21:53your priorities straight.
21:56But I appreciate the honesty.
21:58>> [laughter]
21:59>> People love to brag about how much money
22:01they spent.
22:02Asian people, on the other hand,
22:05we do the exact opposite.
22:07We love to brag about how little money
22:09we spent on some [ __ ]
22:11Because the art is in the savings.
22:13You never pay full price.
22:16Like my mom, her catchphrase is, guess
22:18how much?
22:21Guess how much?
22:23YEAH.
22:24>> [cheering]
22:24>> THAT'S OUR PEOPLE.
22:26>> [applause]
22:28>> YOU GUYS EVER PLAY GUESS HOW MUCH?
22:30MY mom will come home with something
22:32new, like a watch. She'll be like,
22:33Jimmy, ah, Jimmy, ah, guess how much?
22:36Guess how much? I'm like, Mom, I don't
22:38know. It's a very nice watch, like
22:39$5,000. And she WAS LIKE, NO.
22:44IT'S $200.
22:48JIMMY, AH, MY HOUSE, MY HOUSE, this
22:50house, guess how much? Guess how much?
22:53I'm like, Mom, I don't know. You live in
22:54a very nice house, like a million
22:55dollars. SHE WAS LIKE, NO.
22:58IT'S HALF OFF. SOMEONE DIED in it.
23:03>> [applause]
23:05[cheering]
23:08>> And if you know the rules of the game,
23:09you always guess high. So, you make the
23:12other person feel good about their
23:13purchases.
23:14Never guess too low.
23:16You ever guess too low, that's the
23:17ultimate insult to an Asian person,
23:18okay?
23:20One time my mom came home with some new
23:22shoes, I guessed too low.
23:24I've never seen her so disappointed in
23:25me.
23:27She was like, "Jimmy, Jimmy."
23:29"Guess how much.
23:31Guess how much." I'm like, "Mom, I don't
23:32know. Very nice shoes, like $200." She
23:35was like, "OH, YOU
23:40>> [applause]
23:43>> DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT SHOES?
23:46THESE ARE $500 Jimmy Choos, okay? Better
23:49Jimmy THAN YOU."
23:53LIKE ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO, I WENT ON A
23:54COLLEGE trip to Tijuana, Mexico.
23:58Because that's just what a good American
23:59college student would do.
24:02And the thing is, walking into Mexico
24:04from the US, they don't check anything.
24:06There's just a big revolving door, you
24:08walk right in. They don't even check
24:10your ID. It's easier to get into Mexico
24:12than a Costco. You just walk in.
24:16And that's it.
24:18But coming back was a totally different
24:20story. Coming back from Mexico to the
24:22US, there's no more revolving doors.
24:25Now, it's a concrete windowless tunnel
24:27with guards with M-16 machine guns.
24:30And I was super nervous being an
24:32immigrant and all. And my college buddy
24:34Ian next to me, he was like, "Jimmy,
24:35don't worry, man. Just Just Just tell
24:37them you're American, they let you right
24:38through." I'm like, "Easy for you to
24:40say,
24:42Ian."
24:46Ian walks up, he gets through, no
24:47problem. I walk up, the first thing they
24:49ask me, they're like, "Sir, are you an
24:51American citizen?"
24:53I was like, "Yes."
24:54But I I one very minor detail that I
24:57wasn't
25:01I was still an immigrant on a green card
25:04and I wasn't a full-on citizen yet. Next
25:06thing you know, I was detained in this
25:0810 by 10 box and they started
25:09interrogating me. They're like, "Sir,
25:11why did you lie about your American
25:13citizenship?" I was like, "I'm I'm so
25:14sorry. I'm drunk and I really wasn't
25:16trying to lie. My friend in front of me
25:18told me to tell y'all I was American, so
25:19that's what I did. It was a knee-jerk
25:21reaction." He was like, "Well, was he
25:23American?"
25:25I was like, "Well, his name is Ian, so
25:28probably."
25:30And then the officer was like, "Sir, you
25:32do understand this is a very serious
25:33offense. We could deport you for this."
25:36I was like, "Deport me? I didn't even
25:38know that was an option.
25:40What was I going to do back in Hong
25:42Kong?
25:43Restart my ping pong career?
25:46That ship has sailed, man."
25:48So I was like, "Sir, please please don't
25:50deport me. I'm just drunk stupid college
25:51student. I'm every bit American. I can
25:53recite you every single Jay-Z lyric if
25:55you want me to.
25:57I'm in three fantasy football leagues.
25:58If that's not American, I don't know
25:59what is."
26:03And I got very lucky. This is what he
26:04said. He was like, "Look, kid,
26:06you got lucky. We're not going to deport
26:08you today, okay?
26:09But just don't ever do that again or
26:11we'll send you back to where you came
26:12from."
26:14And this [ __ ] was Asian.
26:18I was like, "Where I came from? We came
26:19from the same place, dog.
26:21I think I saw YOU AT MY UNCLE'S WEDDING
26:222 years ago.
26:24You going to throw me under the bus?
26:26That guy definitely watched The Great
26:28Wall many times.
26:33But that was a very sobering experience.
26:35I'd been in the country for 10 years at
26:37that point, but I still wasn't American.
26:39Nothing has changed.
26:41I finally got my citizenship 3 years ago
26:44and it's you know
26:48You don't have to clap. My point is
26:49nothing HAS CHANGED.
26:51STILL ASIAN.
26:53Just because I got a new passport,
26:55nobody in any part of the world is going
26:56to come up to me and BE LIKE, "HEY,
26:57LOOK. THERE'S AN AMERICAN.
27:00HOLY DAMN, HE LOOKS JUST LIKE ROCKY
27:02BALBOA. OH MY GOD."
27:04NO. NO, NO. THE first day I got my
27:06passport, I was feeling real patriotic.
27:08So, I went to my local Hooters.
27:12Yeah.
27:13I was drinking a Coors Light. I was
27:14watching a World Cup. It was USA versus
27:17Mexico, and I was like, "Man, I'm
27:18cheering for TEAM USA. I'M AMERICAN,
27:20FINALLY." AND THIS OLD Mexican dude came
27:22up to me. He couldn't really speak
27:24English. And this is what he said. He
27:25was like, "Amigo."
27:28"Amigo."
27:29"Mexico."
27:30"KOREA."
27:33"TOMORROW, HUH?"
27:37AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE [ __ ] are you
27:38talking about? What are you trying to
27:40start World War III or something?
27:43I'M NOT EVEN KOREAN." HE MANAGED TO
27:44INSULT ME WITH THE ONLY THREE ENGLISH
27:46WORDS HE KNEW.
27:50SO, I really felt the need to explain
27:52myself. I was like, "Sir, I'm I'm not
27:55I'm not Korean. I'm Chinese." And he
27:57looked back to his friends. HE WAS LIKE,
27:58"OH, PINCHE CHINITO, HUH?"
28:02AND I'M LIKE, "SIR, YOU YOU DO KNOW THAT
28:04I CAN UNDERSTAND what that means, okay?
28:05I have Mexican friends back home just
28:07like you." He was like, "No, I'm not
28:09Mexican. I'm El Salvador." And I'm like,
28:12"Oh, GREAT. NOW I'M THE RACIST."
28:18I don't know if you guys remember this.
28:20Just 3 years ago, there was a movie
28:22called The Great Wall
28:26starring Matt Damon.
28:29It was a real movie. It was Matt Damon
28:31in ancient China fighting dragons and
28:33[ __ ] and everybody spoke English.
28:36I was like, "What the [ __ ] is this?"
28:38But you got to understand, I'm not mad
28:40at Matt Damon, okay? He's an actor.
28:42That's what he does for a living. That's
28:43how he gets his check. I get it. I get
28:45it. If somebody would have offered me a
28:47lead role in a movie called Mount
28:49Rushmore,
28:52I'll play out of George Washington, you
28:54know what I mean?
29:00No shame in my game.
29:02I'll play George Washington Carver if
29:04they let me.
29:06That's a black guy, by the way. I don't
29:08know.
29:11Got to represent, man.
29:13I see a lot of people out here in the
29:14streets they want to come up to me, but
29:16they're not really sure.
29:20There's a lot of debate amongst their
29:21friends. They're like, "Hey, man, are
29:22you sure that's him?
29:25If we go up there, we got to be sure.
29:28Because if we go up there and it's not
29:29him, we're going to look super racist."
29:35"Are you sure that's not Ken Jeong?"
29:39"I don't know. Looks kind of like Ali
29:40Wong. I don't know."
29:44And then they come up to me and it's
29:45always like the first thing they say.
29:46Like, "Hey, hey, man, aren't you that
29:48dude Jin Yang FROM THAT SHOW SILICON
29:50VALLEY?"
29:51AND I WAS LIKE, "UH,
29:52OH, THANKS. THANKS. THANK YOU."
29:55AND I YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, THANK YOU. THANK
29:57YOU. I appreciate that. Yeah, I am. And
29:59then they're like,
30:00"I didn't know you speak ENGLISH IN REAL
30:01LIFE."
30:04LIKE, IT'S CALLED ACTING.
30:07LIKE, DID YOU REALLY THINK MATT DAMON
30:08WAS CHINESE? LIKE, what's wrong WITH
30:10YOU?
30:12I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE DISCONNECT IS.
30:13LIKE, IF A white actor does a British
30:14accent, he's a thespian.
30:17He wins an Oscar.
30:19If I do a Chinese accent, I'm
30:20automatically from the old country.
30:24Representation matters, man.
30:26A lot of Asian people come on up to me,
30:28very proud, very nice. They're like,
30:29"Jimmy, thank you for representing the
30:31Asians, man."
30:33And I'm like, "Hey, hey."
30:34You're welcome.
30:38But you do understand it's not really a
30:39choice, right?
30:43Like, when you wake up Asian,
30:46you can only represent Asians.
30:50I couldn't just wake up one day and be
30:51like, "I'm going to represent Nigerians
30:53today."
30:56I'm very proud to represent Asians, but
30:58at the same time there's so much
30:59pressure. Like nobody ever wanted to
31:01Matt Damon be like, "Hey Matt, thanks
31:03for representing the whites."
31:06Sounds weird. That's like a different
31:07conversation for some reason, you know?
31:10If somebody came up to me and be like,
31:11"Hey Jimmy, I'm representing for the
31:12whites."
31:13I would leave that town immediately
31:16and never come back.
31:20So much pressure to represent. I got to
31:22be a good Asian everywhere now.
31:24I got to tip everywhere I go?
31:29That was one of the major advantages of
31:32being Asian is I can just pretend I
31:33don't know how to tip.
31:36Y'all know what a Chinese tip is?
31:39Chinese tip, it doesn't matter how big
31:40your bill is, you tip $2. That's a
31:42Chinese
31:45That's Chinese tip, man.
31:48Now I got to tip 20% everywhere. I got
31:51to give every Uber driver five-star
31:52rating just so I can be a good
31:53representative.
31:55Everywhere I go, I got to represent.
31:57Even day-to-day
31:58even the bedroom, I got to represent.
32:02After I hooked up with this one girl,
32:03this is what she said to me. She was
32:04like, "Jimmy, um
32:06I don't know how to tell you this, but
32:08you're the first Asian guy I've ever
32:09been with." I'm like, "Okay."
32:14What do you want? A fortune cookie? Like
32:20Like what do you want?
32:22SHE ACT LIKE SHE JUST UNLOCKED A NEW
32:23character on Street Fighter or
32:24something.
32:28Why do you feel the need to say that?
32:31This one girl said this so
32:33disrespectful. This is what she said to
32:34me after we hooked up. She was like,
32:36"Jimmy, um, I'm just glad the
32:38stereotype's not true."
32:42"You don't have a small penis."
32:45And I'm like, "Understand, you just
32:47insulted my entire race of people.
32:50But, thank you.
32:54First of all, thank you for thinking
32:55that I did have a small penis, and we
32:57still had sex.
32:59You're the real MVP.
33:02You get two fortune cookies tonight,
33:03miss.
33:05Thank you.