Full transcript
0:00How do you learn to trust a person
0:01again once you've learned that love
0:03comes with no guarantees ? The one time
0:06I trusted , I got hurt . This time , to
0:08make sure it doesn't happen again , I
0:10have to be more alert , I have to watch ,
0:11I have to control . There are people who
0:14, for fear that their partner might one
0:16day be unfaithful , start suffering
0:18through that infidelity every day in
0:20their mind without it ever happening .
0:23Your mind tries to protect you from the
0:25future and ends up taking away your
0:26present . If , in order to trust your
0:30partner , you need to check their phone ,
0:31ask for locations , verify schedules ,
0:33and always know who they’re with , you
0:35aren't building trust . You’re trying
0:38to achieve peace of mind by controlling
0:41your partner . So , the real problem
0:44isn't that you don't trust your partner
0:46, but that you don't trust your ability
0:49to handle a betrayal or infidelity ;
0:52everything you do to avoid losing your
0:55partner , they would also have to do to
0:58avoid losing you . True security isn't
1:00found in knowing that someone will
1:02never leave your life , never replace
1:04you , never let you down , or never cheat
1:06on you . It lies in knowing that you
1:08will remain with yourself , even if one
1:11day that partner decides not to . It
1:14depends on knowing that if one day they
1:16stop choosing you , you will still have
1:19the capacity to choose yourself . Love
1:27has no guarantees . How do I trust my
1:31partner without living in fear that my
1:34partner , the person I'm giving my heart
1:36to , won't betray or cheat on me ? World ,
1:40welcome to a new episode of the Flores
1:43counseling sessions . How do you trust a
1:46person again when you've already
1:48learned that love has no guarantees ,
1:50that no one can promise they will never
1:52betray you ? Today we’re going to talk
1:55about the fear that a relationship can
1:57trigger when you live in a permanent
1:59state of alert , trying to ensure the
2:01person you’re opening up to and
2:03learning to love doesn't betray you .
2:07And this doesn't happen because you
2:09don't trust a person or a partner , or
2:12because you have trust issues , but
2:14rather , that person starts going out ,
2:16hanging out with friends , or working on
2:18a weekend , for example , and you start
2:20checking the time , feeling a bit
2:22strange . They take a while to answer
2:26you and anxiety sets in . A text message
2:28arrives on their phone and you want to
2:30know who it’s from . A new person
2:33appears in their environment and your
2:35head starts spinning and imagining
2:36things that generate anxiety . They tell
2:40you they love you , they explain , they
2:42reassure you , and for a while you're
2:44fine until another situation appears
2:46that triggers your distrust and anxiety
2:48, and you then need a new confirmation
2:51from your partner , and that's the
2:53problem . Without realizing it , to feel
2:56calm , you have started to depend on
2:59your partner , to depend on them
3:01behaving exactly how you need and
3:03expect them to behave for you to feel
3:06secure . If they answer you , you’re
3:09calm , you breathe , but if they take a
3:11while to answer , you get anxious . If
3:13they reaffirm that they love you , you
3:15are calm . If you notice some distance ,
3:17you despair . And I know what you might
3:20be thinking , " Dr. Flores , how can I not
3:22be afraid if I already trusted once and
3:24was betrayed ? " " If love has already hurt
3:26me . " Of course a betrayal leaves a
3:30wound , but that wound cannot condemn
3:32you to spend the rest of your
3:34relationships trying to discover the
3:36next deception before it happens ,
3:38because then you start to suffer
3:40without anything having occurred . And I
3:43want to tell you something that is
3:45important . Loving doesn't mean not
3:48having your own boundaries . It means ,
3:52rather , stopping the belief that for
3:54you to be at peace , to not have anxiety
3:56toward your partner or not be
3:57codependent , you have to have absolute
3:59control over everything your partner
4:01does . In this episode , we are going to
4:06work on what happens psychologically
4:08when you have a permanent fear of
4:09infidelity . How do you differentiate a
4:14real sign from a past internal wound of
4:16yours that is speaking to you all the
4:18time ? Because constantly checking ,
4:22asking , controlling , and verifying that
4:24your partner isn't cheating on you
4:26might give you momentary relief , but at
4:28the same time , it can increase your
4:30need for hypervigilance , to keep
4:32controlling . That is why I want to
4:35teach you how to build a healthy
4:37relationship based on trust , without
4:39having to lose your boundaries . I want
4:42to teach you , through these
4:44psychological techniques we will work
4:46on today in this episode , what you need
4:48to do in moments when fear and distrust
4:50toward your partner arise and your mind
4:53starts telling you : " Check , ask them ,
4:55attack , watch , control , something must
4:57be happening . " I want to teach you what
5:00to do before allowing that emotion of
5:02anguish and distrust to decide for you ,
5:05to act , and to little by little
5:06deteriorate your relationship . Because
5:09the goal is not to achieve a
5:10relationship where you have the
5:11guarantee that you will never suffer —
5:13that will never happen to you , no one
5:15will be able to give you that guarantee
5:17. But there is something much more
5:20powerful , and that is building enough
5:22self-love to know that you don't need
5:24to control or watch your partner to
5:26feel secure ; and that if one day
5:28someone breaks your agreements , their
5:30agreements of sexual or emotional
5:32exclusivity , in other words , if they
5:34are unfaithful , you won't cross your
5:36own boundaries to get them to stay with
5:39you . You are not going to stay forever
5:43suffering because of that infidelity or
5:45that betrayal . Because nobody dies from
5:48love . If you want this to be the last
5:52time you suffer for love , subscribe to
5:54this channel and find in each episode a
5:57therapeutic space that accompanies you
5:59to heal the emotional wounds that today
6:01may be deciding things for you ,
6:03deciding how you love and how you
6:04conduct a relationship . Every week I
6:09want you to leave here not only
6:11understanding what is happening to you ,
6:14but also taking with you tools that
6:16help you build your peace , recover your
6:18power , and learn to build healthy
6:21relationships based on self-love . Let's
6:25start by understanding what it really
6:27means to trust a person and a romantic
6:29relationship . There are people who are
6:32in a relationship , but a large part of
6:35their day starts to revolve around just
6:38one thing . What is my partner feeling
6:41for me ? You wake up and check if they
6:43wrote to you . You post something and
6:46wait for them to react . You're working ,
6:48but you check if they are online , if
6:50they are with you , if they are thinking
6:51about you , you want to know where they
6:52are , who they are with , and what time
6:54they'll be back . And if there is a day
6:57where your partner is more distant , you
6:58start doing things to get their
7:00attention back : you write to them more ,
7:02you seek out conversation , you try to
7:03be more affectionate , you post
7:05something to see if they look at it and
7:06react . And , without realizing it , an
7:10enormous amount of your vital energy
7:12starts to be used on sparking your
7:15partner's interest and feeling secure .
7:19Do they miss me , are they thinking of
7:21me , do they still like me , are they
7:23still choosing me , are they cheating on
7:25me , and when you get the answer you
7:27were expecting , you calm down . And I
7:29want you to observe the cost of that
7:31tranquility . While you are so focused
7:34on their attention , who is attending to
7:36your life ? Because your partner can
7:40start to occupy so much space in your
7:42mind , in your emotional system , that
7:44you begin to disappear , to annul
7:46yourself from other dimensions of your
7:48own life that obviously also build who
7:51you are . Because there is life beyond
7:54love , but you reduce your life to love ,
7:56to the love of that partner , to the
7:58love of that person . What about your
8:02friends , your family , your work , your
8:03projects , your dreams , your health ,
8:05your own personal space ? The things you
8:09do simply because they make you happy .
8:12Loving someone cannot mean stopping
8:14living your own life . A healthy
8:17relationship plays an important role in
8:19every human being's life , of course ,
8:22but it cannot become the center of your
8:24own life . Because if your partner
8:27becomes your main source of attention ,
8:29validation , entertainment , security ,
8:32peace , and happiness , any change in
8:34that relationship will completely
8:35affect every other area because you
8:37stopped cultivating them . Any change in
8:42your partner's behavior will have the
8:44power to hurt you , stress you out ,
8:46cause you anguish , give you anxiety , or
8:49depress you . A message from your
8:52partner can change your whole day . A
8:54moment of silence could ruin it . Your
8:57partner going out with someone other
8:59than you can fill you with anxiety .
9:01Distance can make you feel like there
9:03is something wrong with you . And so ,
9:06you are no longer just building a
9:08relationship , a bond with someone , but
9:11you are using that relationship to
9:13regulate how you feel about yourself .
9:16That is why I want you to start doing
9:18something different from now on . When
9:21your mind starts telling you , " Are they
9:23thinking of me ? " , redirect some of that
9:27attention to what I want to think about
9:30now , what I need to think about today .
9:35And look for the answer within yourself
9:37, not in your partner . You cannot keep
9:42building your whole life around love ,
9:44because that is why you suffer when
9:47thoughts like " What is my partner doing
9:49? " appear . Ask yourself , what am I
9:52doing with my day ? When you are waiting
9:55for that person to do something to make
9:57you feel special , check in with
9:58yourself . Ask yourself what I can do
10:02today that will bring me well-being .
10:06And when you notice that you have been
10:09trying for hours to get their attention
10:11, to get them interested in you , to
10:14spark their focus on you , remember that
10:16you also have goals , dreams , and
10:18personal projects that need your
10:21interest and attention . You have
10:24relationships that need your presence .
10:28You have a body that needs care , you
10:29have dreams that need time , and you
10:31have a life that cannot keep waiting
10:33for someone else to validate it or pay
10:35attention to it in order to start
10:37feeling valuable . Trusting also means
10:40stopping the permanent surveillance of
10:43the bond and the relationship so you
10:46can enjoy that person and that
10:48connection . For your partner to have
10:50their own space without you having a
10:51source of anxiety . That should be an
10:54achievement for all human beings . That
10:56your partner can go out while you
10:59continue your life in peace , that your
11:01partner can be busy without you
11:03immediately interpreting it as
11:05emotional distance or a danger , that
11:07you don't have to spark their interest
11:10all the time , every day , to verify if
11:12you are still important to them .
11:15Because the goal of a relationship
11:17cannot be getting someone to think
11:19about you all day , to confirm all the
11:21time that they choose you , that they
11:23love you . The goal of a healthy
11:25relationship is being able to love
11:27someone without stopping thinking about
11:28yourself , without canceling yourself
11:30out , without diluting yourself in that
11:31relationship . Being able to keep
11:34thinking about who you are , about what
11:36you want to build on a personal level ,
11:39and about everything that makes your
11:41life yours . And that is where a much
11:44deeper trust begins , because it is not
11:46only trusting in the relationship that
11:49matters , but also regaining the
11:50confidence that you can make yourself
11:52happy . Even without that relationship ,
11:55building your own goals and continuing
11:58to be you while you love that other
12:00person . Why does the fear of being
12:03without my partner appear in me ? Why
12:06does the fear that I will be betrayed ,
12:07that I will be cheated on , appear in me
12:09, even when there are no reasons ? Your
12:12nervous system learns through
12:13experience . If in a previous
12:16relationship you discovered an
12:18infidelity after having ignored certain
12:21signs , it is common that now you want
12:23to be much more careful , that you want
12:26to take many more precautions . The
12:29problem is when you live on constant
12:31alert and cannot have peace unless that
12:34partner is present all the time . It is
12:37natural that you now try to correct
12:39what you interpreted as the mistake you
12:41made in the past relationship . And that
12:44changes the way you relate to others .
12:47Before , you didn't wonder so much if
12:48they loved you , if they validated you ,
12:50if they were interested in you , if they
12:51were going to replace you with someone
12:52else . Now you ask . Before , you weren't
12:56constantly checking your phone . Now any
12:58change catches your attention . Before ,
13:02an outing by your partner was simply an
13:04outing . Now you want to know who they
13:05are with , where they are , what time
13:07they are coming back , because in your
13:08mind there is a very clear intention .
13:10This time I want to realize it sooner ,
13:12before they betray me , before it hurts .
13:15What for ? To not suffer again like it
13:17happened to me before . And that is
13:20where a conclusion can appear that
13:22seems to protect you , but ends up
13:24taking away your peace . The time I
13:27trusted , I was hurt . This time , so it
13:30doesn't happen again , I have to be more
13:32attentive , I have to watch , I have to
13:34control . And that is where you are
13:37trapped in that type of thinking ; you
13:39want to trust because you know a
13:41relationship cannot be lived in
13:43permanent suspicion , but at the same
13:45time , lowering your guard makes you
13:47feel vulnerable . You feel that if you
13:51stop questioning your partner , if you
13:53stop watching , checking , and
13:54controlling , you run the same risk you
13:56ran before . And that is precisely what
14:00we have to heal , because the lesson we
14:02want to build after an infidelity or
14:05betrayal is not " I will never trust
14:07again , " nor " now I will keep track of
14:09everything so no one catches me off
14:11guard and deceives me again because it
14:13hurts . " I don't want to suffer that
14:16again . The learning process must take
14:18you to a much more conscious place .
14:21This time I will not ignore what makes
14:23me insecure , but I will not destroy my
14:26present trying to anticipate a betrayal
14:28that hasn't happened , trying to
14:30anticipate everything that could go
14:32wrong . That previous relationship may
14:35have left you with valuable lessons .
14:37Today you can recognize behaviors that
14:40you previously normalized . You can have
14:43clearer boundaries ; you can know what
14:45things you are no longer willing to
14:47allow . You can identify inconsistencies
14:50that you used to justify . That is
14:52growing . But if after what you lived
14:56through , you now need to permanently
14:58know where your partner is , who they
15:00are with , what they are doing , watch
15:02them , who writes to them , when they
15:04return , and if they still think of you
15:06to feel at ease , you are no longer
15:08using the past to choose better or more
15:10consciously . You are allowing the past
15:14to continue deciding how you experience
15:16love in the present , and that is
15:17hurting you . And here is the key
15:21difference . Trusting is not going back
15:24to being the person you were before you
15:27were betrayed . Trusting is becoming
15:30someone who observes the reality of
15:31their partner and their relationship
15:33without living to pursue them . Someone
15:36who recognizes a sign when it exists ,
15:38not when they invent it , not when they
15:40interpret it . Someone who recognizes a
15:43sign when it exists , but does not need
15:45to invent it when there are no reasons .
15:48Someone who maintains their boundaries
15:50without turning control into a way of
15:52loving . And above all , someone who
15:55understands that their true security
15:57does not lie in ensuring they are never
15:59betrayed again , but rather in knowing
16:01that this time they will not betray
16:03themselves . If something does not add
16:07up , you will look at it , you will
16:08observe it . If something breaks your
16:11agreements , you will not justify it to
16:13keep that person and that relationship .
16:15If you need help , you will seek it . If
16:19someone decides to betray you , I
16:20guarantee you won't turn that person's
16:22decision into a measure of your worth ,
16:24of what you're worth , because
16:25infidelity speaks to the other person ,
16:27not you . That is where a different kind
16:30of trust begins . It no longer depends
16:33on knowing everything your partner does
16:35; it depends on knowing who you are in
16:38the face of what that partner decides
16:40to do . Are there reasons to distrust my
16:44partner and my relationship , or is it
16:47my own insecurity speaking for me ? When
16:52something makes you feel distrustful ,
16:54before you react , I want you to
16:56identify what you are feeling through
16:59three filters : reality , agreements , and
17:02context . Reality by asking yourself
17:08what happened , right ? What am I
17:11imagining ? Start with tangible ,
17:15observable facts , not mental beliefs .
17:20Your partner didn't reply for two hours
17:22. That happened . It is a real fact .
17:26They must have been with someone . That
17:28is what your mind filled in . You saw a
17:32conversation where your partner was
17:33flirting with someone else . That
17:35happened . So , they have been deceiving
17:39me and cheating on me for months . That
17:41still requires information . But your
17:43mind has already filled it in . And this
17:46difference is radical , fundamental ,
17:48because when we are afraid , our mind
17:51takes a part of reality and distorts it
17:54, completes it . Completes it with what ?
17:58With its own ghosts and internal
18:00conclusions . Therefore , ask yourself :
18:04what do I know for sure happened , and
18:06what am I assuming ? Because I am afraid
18:09. Do not invalidate the fear . Do not
18:13invalidate your internal ghosts , those
18:16that fill in the only fact you have ,
18:19but do not turn what you imagine into a
18:22fact , into a reality . Agreements . Did
18:29what happened violate any agreement in
18:31our relationship ? Now that you know
18:35what happened and distinguish it from
18:37what you imagined had happened , a
18:38second question follows . Does this
18:41cross an agreement we have , a couple's
18:44agreement , because not everything that
18:47causes discomfort constitutes a lack of
18:50respect within the relationship . If you
18:54agreed on exclusivity and there is an
18:56infidelity with someone else that
18:58breaks that exclusivity agreement , you
19:00have a concrete motive to address . If
19:03you established certain boundaries with
19:05ex-partners and one of you breaks them ,
19:08there is also important information
19:10there . But if your partner went out
19:12with friends , told you , didn't break
19:15any agreement , and your discomfort
19:17appears because you can't know exactly
19:20what they're doing the whole time
19:22they're with their friends , the problem
19:25is no longer necessarily in what your
19:27partner does ; it's in your own need for
19:30control . It may be more about the need
19:33for control that arises so you can feel
19:35secure , and we don't change agreements
19:37just to calm that down . We don't change
19:43agreements to calm every fear you have
19:46about your partner , every internal fear
19:48; instead , we work on what that fear is
19:51showing you , what that fear is
19:53triggering in you . And in terms of
19:57context , ask yourself : is there any
20:01precedent for what is happening to me ?
20:05And here , context significantly changes
20:08the interpretation you might make of a
20:10situation with your partner . It is not
20:12the same for your partner to be late
20:14one night when they have been
20:15consistent with you for years as it is
20:17for them to be late after having lied
20:19repeatedly about where they were . It is
20:23not the same for your partner to
20:24receive a message from a coworker when
20:26nothing has ever happened as it is if
20:28it's someone with whom they previously
20:30crossed boundaries or broke an
20:32agreement . It is not the same for them
20:35to place their phone face down because
20:36they always do it as it is if they
20:38start hiding it after a history of
20:39secret conversations . Now put these
20:42three things together : reality ,
20:44agreements , and context . Regarding
20:47reality , ask yourself : what really
20:49happened with the agreements ? Did what
20:51happened cross any of our relationship
20:54agreements ? And with context , ask
20:56yourself : is there a precedent that
20:58makes it reasonable to pay closer
20:59attention to this situation ? If there
21:02is a tangible , observable fact that
21:04breaks an agreement , and there is also
21:07a context that increases the relevance
21:09and importance of this situation , don't
21:11automatically reduce your discomfort to
21:14" it's just my insecurities , " because
21:16there is a relationship issue that
21:18needs to be addressed . But if , on the
21:22contrary , you don't have a fact
21:24indicating a betrayal , no agreement was
21:26broken , and there is no precedent or
21:29context to justify what you are
21:31suspecting or the fear you are feeling ,
21:33while your head keeps saying , "
21:35Something must be going on , " then your
21:38focus needs to shift . You no longer
21:41have to keep investigating the other
21:42person ; you have to start working on
21:43yourself there . What is being triggered
21:47inside me ? What is being triggered
21:49inside you ? Because the goal is not for
21:54you to learn to ignore what you feel
21:56and reduce everything to " it's just my
21:58insecurities , " but for you to be able
22:00to listen to those insecurities , those
22:02internal fears , those ghosts , without
22:04confusing that fear , those ghosts , and
22:07those insecurities with your partner's
22:09reality . Reality , agreements , and
22:13context before accusing , before
22:15checking , before spiraling into mental
22:17rumination or overthinking , because it
22:18is one thing to protect yourself from
22:20what is actually happening with your
22:22partner and another to try to protect
22:24yourself from something that is only
22:26happening in your mind . The question
22:29cannot just be , " Is my partner cheating
22:32on me ? Are they being unfaithful to me ?
22:33Are they going to betray me ? Is it
22:34going to hurt ? " You also have to look
22:37at what I am doing with my life while I
22:39try to prove that they are going to
22:41cheat , that they are being unfaithful .
22:45If the relationship you are in takes up
22:48all of your vital attention , the fear
22:51is already taking a toll , even if
22:53infidelity never occurs . I guarantee
22:57that 99 % of the things you think
23:02regarding your partner’s betrayal ,
23:04that fantasy does not come true . That
23:09doesn’t mean that we human beings
23:11don’t run the risk of being cheated
23:13on . Of course we do , but 99 % of the
23:18things you imagine about your partner
23:21never happen , and you have to know that
23:24. Living in the present doesn’t mean
23:28acting as if nothing is happening with
23:30your partner or that it could never
23:32happen . It means , rather , not suffering
23:35today through the possible future
23:38scenarios to which all human beings who
23:40decide to love and enter into a
23:42relationship are exposed . Today you
23:47have a relationship that is an
23:49important part of your life , but your
23:51life still has other scenarios , other
23:54areas that need to be addressed so that
23:56your life is not reduced to love and so
23:59that you can live with something that
24:01is key to having a healthy relationship
24:04and to stop suffering for love . And
24:07that is understanding that there is
24:09life beyond love . This life of yours is
24:14the one that deserves your complete
24:17attention , because love is just one
24:20area of your life . Why have you made it
24:23the only and exclusive one that gives
24:25you meaning ? What is going on with you ?
24:28What about your projects , your dreams ?
24:31You reduce everything to being okay
24:33with your partner . What about the What
24:36about everything else ? How long are you
24:40going to abandon yourself to
24:41exclusively living happily only if you
24:44have love ? You cancel out the other
24:48areas of your life by not knowing , or
24:50rather not living with the knowledge ,
24:52that there is life beyond love and that
24:55you are in charge of that . There are
24:59people who , for fear that someday their
25:02partner will be unfaithful , begin to
25:04suffer infidelity every day in their
25:06mind without it ever having happened .
25:10Your mind tries to protect you from the
25:12future and ends up taking away your
25:14present . Your mind ends up taking away
25:19the possibility of having a healthy
25:21relationship and living a relationship
25:24just as it is happening because you are
25:27focused on your internal ghosts . There
25:30are psychological techniques to build a
25:33healthy relationship based on trust . It
25:35is not enough to just say , " Oh , I'm
25:37going to trust . " Trust is something you
25:39train . And I want to give you three
25:42techniques so you can start doing that .
25:44Trusting your partner . To trust your
25:48partner , it’s not enough to say , "
25:50I’m going to learn to trust , I want
25:51to trust . " Trust is trained . And I want
25:56to give you three psychological
25:58techniques so you can learn to do it .
26:00First , don't ask for proof , ask for
26:04clarity . When your insecurity appears ,
26:10your first impulse might be to check if
26:13what you are thinking and feeling is
26:16happening outside or not . For example ,
26:20your partner arrives later than usual
26:22and then you ask them , or what you want
26:25to ask them is , " Where were you ? " " Send
26:28me your location , " and you want to
26:31verify that what you have in your mind ,
26:33the fear you have in your mind , in your
26:36emotional system , hasn't come true with
26:39your partner . Where were you ? Send me
26:42your location . Start changing that for
26:45clarity . Love , we had agreed that you
26:49were arriving at 8:30 and you arrived
26:51at 10 . What happened ? A new person
26:56appears in your partner's environment .
26:59Who is that woman ? Show me what
27:01you’re talking about . Change that for
27:03, " Love , I’ve noticed you have a lot
27:06of contact lately with this new person
27:08and I want to understand what place she
27:10occupies in your life because I didn't
27:13know about her . " You see a message that
27:16makes you feel uneasy or uncomfortable .
27:20Give me the phone , I want to see the
27:22whole conversation . Change that for , "
27:26Love , I saw this message and for me , it
27:28crosses something important , it crosses
27:30a line . " I want us to talk about
27:33what’s happening and about our couple
27:36agreements . Your partner is different
27:39and then you tell them , " Tell me the
27:40truth , you don't love me anymore ,
27:42there's someone else . " Change this for ,
27:45" I’ve felt you’ve been different
27:46these days . " I want to know , love , what
27:49is happening between us . And notice the
27:52difference . When you ask for proof , you
27:54seek to lower your anxiety and you seek
27:57that the fear you have in your head and
27:59in your emotional system has not come
28:01true in reality with your partner . But
28:05when you ask for clarity , you seek
28:07information to understand reality and
28:09decide what to do with it . Also ,
28:12clarity doesn't just consist of
28:13listening to your partner's explanation
28:15. Observe what happens after that
28:18explanation , after that clarity . Does
28:20the answer match the facts ? Does the
28:23version your partner gave you hold up
28:25over time ? Can your partner talk to you
28:28without hiding information ? Does what
28:30they say today match what they do
28:32tomorrow ? Because I also don't want you
28:35to use what I'm teaching you to become
28:38someone who accepts any explanation
28:40just to feel calm . If in order to trust
28:44your partner you need to check their
28:45phone , ask for their location , verify
28:47their schedule , and constantly know who
28:49they are with , you are not building
28:50trust . You are trying to achieve peace
28:54of mind by controlling your partner .
28:58The next time you feel desperation ,
28:59anxiety , or anguish about checking what
29:01your partner is doing and whether they
29:03are cheating on you , change your
29:05approach . " Show me that nothing is
29:09wrong , out of love . " " Help me understand
29:12what is happening . " Then , listen to
29:14your partner's side of the story .
29:16Observe and look at that reality .
29:19Because a healthy relationship
29:21shouldn't force you to live looking for
29:23proof of your partner's innocence .
29:26Rather , it should allow you to ask
29:28clear questions , receive clear answers ,
29:31and observe if those answers are
29:33consistent with the person in front of
29:36you , your partner . Another technique is
29:40learning to give your partner space
29:41without condemning yourself to anxiety .
29:45Your partner goes out with their
29:46friends and you say , " Perfect , enjoy , "
29:48but with irony , with anguish , from a
29:50place of hurt . But then 2 hours pass
29:52and you've already checked five times .
29:55If they are online , you have called 10
29:57times within those 2 hours to see what
29:59they are doing . At 3 hours you think , "
30:02It's strange that they haven't written
30:04to me , that they haven't called . " Then ,
30:07" If they missed me , they would have
30:09reached out already , " and you end up
30:10spending the whole night waiting for
30:12them to show up . That is not enjoying
30:15your space while your partner enjoys
30:17theirs . That is staying emotionally
30:20waiting , trapped in anxiety . I want you
30:23to do something concrete . If this is
30:26happening to you , before your partner
30:28goes out , define what you are going to
30:30do during that time . I'm going to have
30:33dinner with a friend , I'm going to work
30:35out , I'm going to watch a movie , I'm
30:36going to work on my project for two
30:37hours . What are you going to do for
30:39yourself ? Do something for yourself ,
30:42and when the urge to write to them
30:45appears just to check if what they told
30:47you is real , to check if they are still
30:49thinking of you , if they love you , if
30:52they miss you , identify your intention .
30:55Do I have something to share with my
30:57partner right now ? Do I really need to
31:01call them ? Or am I just looking for
31:04their response to take away my anxiety ,
31:06to take away the ghosts and the fears
31:09that I have and that are occurring to
31:11me , and that is why I want to call them
31:14? If you feel that anxiety , don't
31:18immediately turn your partner into the
31:20solution to relieve the distress you
31:22are feeling . Go on with your life ,
31:26sweetheart , because the training for
31:28trust is precisely found there . Realize
31:32that the other person can be living
31:34their own space , they can do it without
31:36you having to stop living yours ,
31:38because the mistake is that my partner
31:41is living their space and I am living
31:43the space with my partner , without them
31:46. Meaning , I am completely connected to
31:48what my partner is doing here , but from
31:50a place of anguish , from the need to
31:52prove that they aren't being unfaithful
31:54, that they aren't cheating on me . In
31:58those moments , hold on , breathe , inhale
32:01. Trusting is a decision . Trusting is
32:06not a gift that some have or others
32:09lack . It is not a gift ; it is a
32:12decision . I choose to trust because I
32:14understand that love has no guarantees .
32:16I cannot control what the other person
32:19is doing , but I can control what I do
32:22in my relationship . And even though in
32:25love , the saying " you reap what you sow
32:27" often doesn't prove true , because you
32:30can be completely devoted to a
32:32relationship and receive infidelity in
32:34return , that is just understanding the
32:37nature of love . No one deserves
32:40betrayal or infidelity in love , but if
32:42it happens , rest assured that it
32:44carries a lesson for your life , it has
32:47a teaching for you . And I know what I'm
32:51telling you sounds harsh and
32:52challenging , but it's real . No one dies
32:55from love , sweetheart . And that
32:58betrayal , if it happens , you deal with
33:00it when it happens , not before . That
33:03just shows something in you : you don't
33:06trust that you can survive that
33:09betrayal . That is why there is fear . So
33:13, the real problem is not that you
33:16don't trust your partner , but that you
33:19don't trust that you can handle a
33:22betrayal or infidelity from your
33:25partner . Distrust toward your partner
33:30would actually stem from something else
33:33, not from what your partner does or
33:35fails to do . It's just that I don't
33:40trust that my partner ... It's just that
33:41I don't trust that my partner couldn't
33:43be unfaithful to me . Anyone can betray
33:46you , not just that partner , anyone .
33:49This is it . You trust that you can
33:52survive , that your life can go on , that
33:55you will be fine after an infidelity or
33:58a betrayal . That is where the breaking
34:03point of " I can't trust my partner , I
34:05don't trust anyone " lies . Behind that
34:09is : you don't trust yourself . That is
34:14what you truly don't trust . You doubt
34:18that you can move on with your life
34:20after a betrayal . Because , why does
34:24infidelity and betrayal terrify you so
34:26much ? Why does losing that partner
34:29terrify you so much ? Are you terrified
34:32of the person , or is it that besides
34:34losing my partner , which will hurt , I
34:38am going to fall into a state where I
34:39don’t know if I can survive ? Because
34:43that happens a lot in grief , in the
34:45natural pain felt after a betrayal or
34:48an infidelity . A process follows where
34:54I want you to ask yourself : do I
34:57distrust my partner's ability to be
35:03unfaithful , or do I really distrust my
35:06own ability to survive , to have life in
35:12me after that infidelity ? Remember what
35:16is felt during infidelity or when you
35:19break up with someone you love — it’s
35:22the pain , and that pain blinds us ,
35:24clouds us , and makes us dwell on , what ?
35:29On the idea that we won't make it ,
35:31because your body feels it cannot
35:32handle that betrayal , cannot handle
35:34that pain , and will never recover — and
35:36that is a deception . That is why what
35:40hides behind mistrust is : I don’t
35:43trust that I can get through this . I
35:47don’t want to experience this pain
35:48again because it is very difficult for
35:50me . And that is what you are avoiding
35:52by controlling your partner , monitoring
35:54whether they are being unfaithful or
35:56not . Learning to build your emotional
36:00safety plan is something you must learn
36:02to do . I also want you to do an
36:05exercise . Write down : if my
36:08relationship with my partner were to
36:12change one day , what remains in my life
36:15? And answer with real things . My
36:21career , my income , my finances , my
36:22friends , my children , my family , my
36:24home , my hobbies , my projects . My
36:28ability to work , my ability to be well ,
36:31my therapy , my habits , my training , the
36:33things I enjoy , my dreams — myself .
36:37Because if , when you imagine losing
36:40that relationship , you feel you would
36:42lose absolutely everything , you have
36:44work to do . You will start doing
36:47anything to prevent that person from
36:49leaving your life . You will silence
36:51yourself so as not to inconvenience
36:52them . You will compromise your
36:53boundaries so as not to lose your
36:54partner . You will need to know where
36:58your partner is because you feel
37:00threatened and afraid ; you will compete
37:02with other people , you will try to be
37:04indispensable in that person's life ,
37:06and be careful with that . A
37:10relationship becomes much harder , more
37:13challenging to enjoy , when you feel you
37:15must keep that person to survive
37:17emotionally , because your life has
37:19narrowed down so much to love and that
37:22couple relationship that you have
37:24nothing else , that you couldn't survive
37:26, that you would be left in total
37:28emptiness because you stopped
37:30cultivating all other areas . Your
37:33safety plan is not made to prepare you
37:36for a breakup with that person . You
37:40must do it to remind yourself that
37:42having a partner cannot mean stopping
37:44the building of your own life . For
37:47example , if you stopped working because
37:49the family organization required it ,
37:51you remained as the household manager
37:53raising the children . Review how you
37:57can maintain financial autonomy , how
37:59you can work from home , or establish
38:00financial agreements with your partner .
38:05If you distanced yourself from your
38:07friends , if you distanced yourself from
38:08your friends , recover those bonds . If
38:11you abandoned your personal projects ,
38:14set dates for them again and work on
38:16them . If you have spent years without
38:19knowing what you like to do alone ,
38:20start discovering it . And if you
38:23recognize that losing a relationship
38:25means feeling like you lose your
38:27identity , that you end up empty , that
38:29you are left with nothing , without
38:31security , without value , that needs to
38:33be worked on . Work on it in therapy ,
38:37because self-love is built by knowing ,
38:40" I choose you , my dear partner , to
38:42share my life , but I do not need you . "
38:47I choose you to share my life , not to
38:52make it . I choose you to share my life ,
38:57not to make it . And that is the crucial
39:00difference . But since you abandon
39:04absolutely everything of yours and the
39:07only thing you live for is to attend to
39:10love , you lost what will allow you to
39:13build a healthy relationship . There is
39:16life beyond love , and you have to live
39:19love with that certainty . There is life
39:22beyond love . Work on your relationship ,
39:26yes , but while in a relationship , work
39:28on yourself . You cannot keep canceling
39:32yourself , you cannot keep displacing
39:34yourself , you cannot keep asking where
39:36is your life , your areas , your work ,
39:38your dreams , what you wish to do , your
39:40friends , your personal entertainment
39:41plans , everything is with partner ,
39:43partner , partner . Friends are with your
39:47partner , work is with your partner ,
39:48children are with your partner .
39:51Everything is with your partner ,
39:53everything has been reduced to love .
39:56And when that love goes , then you are
39:58left with nothing . That is the question
40:01. Who am I ? What would become of me
40:05without this relationship ? If the
40:09answer is nobody , if the answer to that
40:11question is , " I'm left in an absolute
40:13void , with terrible anxiety , and
40:15uncertainty , " that is not healthy . And
40:20I guarantee that you could be in that
40:22relationship more out of codependency
40:24for a sense of life that the other
40:26gives you , rather than chosen ,
40:28conscious love , because you stopped
40:30creating it while in that relationship .
40:34You stopped creating your own sense of
40:36life , and that is what you have to work
40:38on . How do I reclaim my life while in a
40:40relationship ? Not how do I let go of
40:42that person I depend on . Because then
40:45you let go of one dependency only to
40:47get into another . Because the problem
40:49is that you don't know how to build a
40:51partnership without losing your
40:53individuality . That is the challenge in
40:55a relationship . That is why you
40:57distrust your partner , why you pursue
40:59your partner , why you accept absolutely
41:00everything from your partner , because
41:02if they leave , you are left with
41:03nothing , in a void . Who wants to be in
41:06a void , in uncertainty ? Who wants to
41:08throw themselves into the abyss of
41:09nothingness ? When you have a
41:12relationship and you know or
41:16contemplate the possibility that it
41:18could end — if not through infidelity ,
41:20because both chose it , or through death
41:23— because until death do you part , one
41:25day it will end for whatever reason . If
41:30in the face of that possibility all you
41:33feel is uncertainty , emptiness ,
41:35absolute distrust , desolation . That
41:38only means that you lost yourself while
41:40loving . That only means that you live
41:42to love . You live to love that person ,
41:48but you never lived that relationship
41:50cultivating yourself , continuing to
41:53cultivate yourself . Answer yourself ,
41:59what do I keep if this relationship
42:02ends ? What do I keep of myself ? And if
42:06the answer is desolation , emptiness ,
42:08nothing . You have to work on recovering
42:11friends , bonds , profession , dreams ,
42:14hobbies . You are terrified to go to the
42:18movies alone , you are terrified to go
42:20to a restaurant alone , you are
42:21terrified to go out with a friend if he
42:23isn't there , you are terrified to
42:24follow dreams , to buy something , even
42:26your own house without your partner ,
42:28you are terrified . That is what you
42:31have to start working on . Do you want
42:33to stop being codependent ? Start
42:35working on what needs to be worked on .
42:37We mistakenly start working on letting
42:40go of the person we feel codependent
42:43toward . That is a mistake because you
42:45will drop John to grab onto Luke , on
42:48whom you will once again depend . It's
42:51how I , while holding on and being in
42:53this relationship where I identify as
42:56codependent on my partner , start
42:59working on my life , reclaiming other
43:02areas that are separate from love and
43:05are mine ; and just as I cultivate ,
43:07watch over , control , and do everything
43:10possible to save my relationship and
43:13not lose my partner , everything you do
43:16to not lose your partner , you also have
43:19to do to not lose yourself . And not
43:22losing yourself implies things as
43:24simple as reclaiming what you like to
43:26do on your own , but you don't even
43:28remember that anymore . And that is the
43:32mistake . Spending time with yourself is
43:35another technique to learn to trust , to
43:38stop depending on a partner and a
43:40relationship . Once a week , schedule a
43:45date with yourself , even if it's for 30
43:47minutes , without reviewing that
43:50relationship , without calling , and
43:52without spending those 30 minutes with
43:55that person , without talking about what
43:58your partner did , without analyzing if
44:00they are distant or not . So , you go out
44:04with a friend and everything revolves
44:06around your partner , without asking
44:07yourself if you love yourself enough .
44:10Use those 30 minutes of your date with
44:13yourself to review your life . Write
44:17down four things . What did I do this
44:20week ? That made me happy . For example ,
44:24I trained three days , I had lunch with
44:27my sister , I started painting again , I
44:29sang , I did karaoke , I had a coffee
44:31alone and I enjoyed it . I took the car
44:36and went for a drive aimlessly ,
44:38listening to music . The second question
44:42, what am I building ? Do I want to
44:46change jobs , am I studying , do I want
44:48to start my business ? I want to study
44:51this , I want to travel again . The third
44:55question , what part of my life have I
44:58neglected ? I haven't seen my friends in
45:01months . All my free time is with my
45:03partner . I stopped working out . I no
45:06longer have my own projects . And
45:08finally , ask yourself , what am I going
45:10to do this week for me ? Take a concrete
45:13action . Set a concrete date , a concrete
45:16time , it's not about empty things .
45:20Promises in the wind . I am going to
45:22dedicate more time to myself . That is
45:24not a plan . Change it to Saturday at 10
45:28, I'm going to have breakfast with my
45:31friend Laura . On Tuesday at 8 , I'm
45:35going back to the gym . On Thursday at 5
45:38, I'm going to dedicate an hour to this
45:41personal project . If I ask you how you
45:45are and , to answer me , you first need
45:47to tell me how your relationship is
45:49going , we need to turn the focus back
45:51to you , because you might know
45:52perfectly well what your partner is
45:54worried about , what they want , what
45:56they like , what they're doing , what
45:57they need , what their plans are , and
45:59yet go months without asking yourself :
46:01what do you want ? What am I building ?
46:05What makes me happy ? What kind of
46:07person do I want to become ? A date with
46:09yourself is meant for exactly that , so
46:11that loving someone doesn't make you
46:13lose the most important conversation
46:15you will have in your entire life . And
46:17the only guarantee is the conversation
46:19with yourself . Your partner can hold a
46:23wonderful place in your life , but they
46:25cannot occupy every space because there
46:27is life beyond romantic love . And while
46:31you build a relationship with someone ,
46:33you also have a life with yourself that
46:35cannot be abandoned . What does trusting
46:42in my relationship , in my partner , have
46:45to do with self-love ? I want to bring
46:48this to something completely everyday .
46:50If your partner is having dinner with
46:52friends , what happens to your night ? Is
46:55it empty and sad while you wait for
46:58them to return ? Or do you have
47:01interests , people , routines , and spaces
47:03that continue to exist within you , with
47:04you , even if you aren't receiving
47:06attention from your partner at that
47:07moment ? That difference speaks to your
47:10level of emotional autonomy . It's not
47:13about faking independence or making
47:15your partner someone irrelevant . It's
47:19not " I'll strip away all importance
47:20from my partner and turn inward to
47:22recover myself . " We are beings who
47:25connect , we are beings of love who want
47:27to love . And love , of course , matters .
47:31The point is that a bond , a healthy
47:33relationship , integrates into your
47:35identity ; it doesn't replace it . It
47:37integrates into who you are , it doesn't
47:39replace or substitute it . When you fall
47:43in love , you are still a friend , you
47:45are still a professional , a daughter , a
47:48mother ; you are still a creator , a
47:50woman or a man with projects , with your
47:53own interests , and with your own inner
47:55life . And if you discover you've been
48:00leaving all that behind — work , friends
48:02, finances , your projects , your hobbies
48:05— then the work isn't about blaming
48:08yourself now , but about starting to
48:10rebuild . Pick up a relationship ,
48:14organize your finances , revive a
48:16project , set aside time for something
48:18you enjoy . Every area that comes back
48:21to life and to which you restore energy
48:24, in other words , charges the battery
48:26for all the other areas . You have love
48:30at full capacity . And what about the
48:32other areas ? What about the life
48:35battery of the other areas of your own
48:37life ? Every area that regains charge ,
48:41energy , and life will reduce the
48:43feeling that losing that relationship
48:46and that person would mean losing
48:48everything in life . Behind " I need to
48:53know that my partner will never deceive
48:55me and never be unfaithful , " there may
48:58be another need . I need to know that I
49:00will never feel that pain again . I need
49:04to know that I will never suffer for
49:06love again . And no one can promise you
49:08that . Your partner cannot give you that
49:11guarantee . Stop looking for it there ,
49:14neither in that person nor in anyone
49:17else . To love implies vulnerability .
49:21The work does not consist of designing
49:23a relationship where it is impossible
49:25to suffer , where it is impossible for
49:27love not to hurt or challenge , but
49:29rather in not disappearing yourself
49:31within that relationship with that
49:33person . Keep your relationships , your
49:36projects , your autonomy , your financial
49:37capacity , your spaces , and your
49:39decisions . When your relationship
49:41ceases to be the only source of
49:43stability , a threat to that
49:44relationship no longer feels like a
49:46threat to your entire existence . Then ,
49:49a much more powerful question appears .
49:52Can I trust that I will take care of
49:54myself if someday someone betrays me ?
49:58Can I trust that I will be okay ? It
50:03doesn't matter if one day my partner is
50:04unfaithful to me . That is where
50:06self-love appears . Not as a pretty
50:08phrase , nor looking in the mirror and
50:09saying , " Oh , I look so cute . " But as
50:11the built-in certainty that you are not
50:14going to abandon yourself to keep
50:16someone . And how do you know that you
50:19are learning to love without guarantees
50:22? True security is not in knowing that
50:25someone will never leave your life ,
50:27that they will never replace you , fail
50:29you , or be unfaithful to you . It is
50:31rather in knowing that you will remain
50:34with yourself , even if one day that
50:36partner decides not to . There , love
50:39stops being lived from fear and starts
50:42being lived from self-love . To love is
50:45to recognize that the other is free .
50:47Free to choose you today and free to
50:49stop doing so tomorrow . Your peace
50:51cannot depend on taking that freedom
50:53away from your partner . It depends on
50:56knowing that if one day they stop
50:58choosing you , you will still have the
51:00capacity to choose yourself . And if you
51:03want to do deep work and transform how
51:06you relate from the root , I invite you
51:09to my self-love school , Florecer , a
51:11community I created to learn to stop
51:14suffering for love , to heal the
51:16emotional wounds that lead to painful
51:19relationships , and to build autonomy ,
51:21self-love , and much more conscious
51:24relationships . All the information
51:28about our therapy services and the
51:30Florecer self-love school can be found
51:32in the description box of this episode .
51:35And I want to leave you with this
51:36phrase . Love is the freedom to choose ,
51:39to build a life and love , but it is
51:41also learning to let go with the same
51:43intensity with which you love when you
51:46are no longer chosen . See you in the
51:49next episode of the " Consultorio de
51:51Flores . "