Why He Won't Commit

0:00Why? He won't commit, but he won't let

0:03you go either. So, let me paint this

0:06picture. He says he's not ready for a

0:09relationship, but he still wants to talk

0:11to you every single day. He gets jealous

0:14when he knows or thinks that you may be

0:17hanging out with another dude, with

0:19another guy, but he avoids any

0:21conversation about commitment. Okay? And

0:25he won't choose you, but he won't let

0:27you walk away either. Does this sound

0:30familiar? If that's your story, I want

0:33you to stay tuned to this video because

0:37we're going to talk about cuz I'm about

0:38to break down exactly why he's doing

0:42what he's doing because a lot of us are

0:44in this situation, but we don't know how

0:46to get out. We don't know and we stay on

0:48the hook. But what I want to do is show

0:50you how you can get your power back.

0:53Because some of us feel powerless

0:55because you're in a relationship where

0:57the guy won't commit to you, but he

0:59makes you think that he will one day and

1:01you stay in it. So, let's start with the

1:03obvious question. Why won't he commit?

1:06That's like the obvious question. And

1:08I'll be honest, most of the time it's

1:11not because he doesn't like

1:13you. It's because he wants the benefits

1:17of being around you. He wants the

1:19benefits of the relationship without the

1:21accountability of the

1:25relationship. He wants the benefit of

1:27the relationship without the

1:28accountability of the relationship. A

1:31man who's not ready to commit but will

1:34will still entertain companionship.

1:37He'll enjoy your attention. He'll enjoy

1:39your body. He'll enjoy your time. He'll

1:42enjoy your energy. But he'll keep you in

1:45limbo. Now, I'm not saying you got to

1:47jump right into somebody with you on for

1:492 weeks. No. But if it's been a while,

1:51because as long as you're available

1:54without

1:55expectations, he'll get the relationship

1:57without having to do anything for it,

2:00without the accountability or without

2:01any

2:02responsibility. Responsibility is the

2:05ability to respond. That's not love,

2:08y'all. That's convenience. You're

2:11convenient for him. So, why won't he let

2:13you go? Now, let's talk about the flip

2:15side why he won't let you go. Because

2:18when you finally get fed up and you try

2:21to walk away, he comes with that that I

2:24miss you text. I was thinking about us

2:27text. Maybe even you know what, you're

2:30the one. We just need to give it time

2:32and I don't want to lose you. But pay

2:34attention. Those words don't come with

2:37any actions. I always say watch what a

2:40person does. If his actions line up with

2:43his words, we got something. But if they

2:45don't, it doesn't work. But what they'll

2:47do is they'll come with action. I mean,

2:49with emotion. It's not about keeping

2:51you. It's about keeping access to you.

2:54Because letting you go would mean losing

2:57the comfort that you bring. Losing the

3:00emotional safety net. And some men would

3:03rather lose a good woman slowly than

3:06face the discomfort of being alone. Wow.

3:11They I'll say it again. They would

3:12rather lose you slowly rather than face

3:15the discomfort of being alone. What does

3:18this do to

3:20you? You know what? I know maybe this is

3:22not what you want to hear, but here's

3:25the kind of gray area about it. What it

3:28does is it wrecks your self-worth

3:30because you begin to internalize, is

3:33there something wrong with me? Why won't

3:35he pick me? Am I not good enough? As

3:38long as you stay and he creates the

3:41standard, he creates the boundaries. As

3:44long as you stay, what's going to happen

3:46is is that you're going to fall into a

3:49category. Watch this. You're going to

3:51fall into a category, whether you know

3:53it consciously or not, where you begin

3:57to question your self-worth. Okay?

4:00You're now watch this. Not only do you

4:01begin to question your self-worth,

4:03there's a whole process. is called your

4:06self-concept. Your self-concept will

4:09actually change. So your self-concept is

4:11is is let me let me explain it to you.

4:14It is the picture that you have of

4:16yourself. So whenever you put a picture

4:19in your mind of yourself, some people

4:20might think I don't like the way I look.

4:22I don't like the way I But your brain,

4:24the way the brain works, the brain

4:26operates in pictures. It creates a

4:27picture, right, of how you see the

4:30picture you see. If that's a picture of

4:32a person who is unworthy, okay, then

4:34what you do, you attach emotion to the

4:40picture. If you see a person who's

4:43giving in, your self-esteem will be low.

4:45A person who's acquiescing, your

4:47self-worth will be targeted. A person

4:50who is not choosing themsself but

4:53allowing somebody else not to choose

4:54you. And so when you attach emotion to

4:57the picture, that's where self-esteem

4:59comes in. Self-esteem is nothing more

5:02than the emotions you attach to the

5:04picture that you have about yourself.

5:06Whoa, that is

5:10powerful. And so this is what happens.

5:13The more you stay in the relationship, I

5:15know you're holding on because you love

5:17the person. I know you're holding on

5:19because you're thinking one day he's

5:20going to change. One day he's going to

5:22say, "I am worthy. One day." But then

5:26what happens is you keep waiting and

5:28waiting and waiting and then all of

5:32these these self-worth issues begin to

5:35magnify. So and every day you you spend

5:40trying to prove your self-worth is a day

5:43that it begins getting wore getting

5:46worse especially when the other person

5:49doesn't value it and you don't see the

5:51value of valuing yourself. And you might

5:54say, "Well, coach, I don't know how to.

5:55I'm trying. I'm trying." That's why at

5:58the end of this video, I'm going I'm

5:59going to give you an invitation to call

6:00me so I can help you through. I've

6:02helped so many people navigate this

6:05process. But here here's what I want you

6:08to do when you're caught up in this

6:10situation. Number one is is

6:13this is accept the reality, not the

6:17potential. Accept the reality, not the

6:20potential. Stop falling in love with

6:23what what could be. I always tell

6:25somebody, you don't ever want to be with

6:26somebody based on potential. You be with

6:28somebody based on what is. If this never

6:31changes, if it never changes, can I be

6:33here? You don't ever build a

6:35relationship on potential. What you got

6:38to do is decide this is who it is. This

6:41is who he is. Can I deal with that or

6:43not? Number two, remove the benefits. If

6:47you're not in a committed relationship,

6:49y'all stop giving him access to you.

6:52Stop cooking. Stop cuddling. Stop giving

6:55him wife access. Stop giving him your

6:58body. You like, you know, I want it too.

7:00Yeah, but when you want it to, but at

7:02the end of the day, it's going to cause

7:04you heartache, right? And you do it

7:06because you know him. Number three,

7:09communicate your standard and stand on

7:12it. Now, I want to I want to stop right

7:15here for a minute. I want I want to

7:16share with you what a standard is and a

7:19boundary and a boundary. You hear a lot

7:22of people talk about boundaries and

7:24standards. And most people don't have a

7:26clue what they are. So I'm going to put

7:29them in practical sense. And I do this

7:31with all my students and they like dang

7:33coach I get it. Okay. A

7:37boundary is the bare minimum that you

7:40don't want to happen. Like for instance,

7:43a boundary is something I don't want to

7:45happen. I don't want you yelling at me.

7:47Okay? I don't want you staying out all

7:50night. I don't want you allowing other

7:52women to be in your That's a boundaries.

7:54It's the bare minimum of what I don't

7:56want to happen. Boundary. A standard is

8:01the bare minimum of what what I do want

8:04to happen. For instance, it might be

8:05your standard that we spend one night a

8:09week on date night. That's our standard.

8:12That's what I do want to happen. And

8:14see, most people get boundaries and

8:16standards confused because they don't

8:18actually understand what they are. But

8:21remember, a boundary is the bare minimum

8:24of what I don't want to have. The bare

8:26minimum is you can't yell at me. Not one

8:28word. Okay? Not one word. And so you

8:31have to live by a standard is the bare

8:33minimum of what I do want to happen. And

8:35so that's and so when you understand

8:38that you what you're doing is you're

8:41showing yourself

8:43selfrespect. So I want to close with

8:45this. I want to say

8:48this. Some of you are hoping beyond hope

8:51that one day he will see your

8:54value. But a person will never truly

8:58value you and tr until you value

9:01yourself. All right? You've got to value

9:04yourself. Cuz here's what happens. What

9:06happens is is when you begin to show

9:09yourself self-love. When you begin to

9:11value yourself, we are reflectors. You

9:14begin reflecting that energy to the

9:16world. And then that energy is

9:18permeated. That energy is permeated into

9:21his or someone else existence. And then

9:25it's kind of like, let me give you an

9:26example of this. Let me give an example.

9:29Negative people can't be around me. You

9:31know why? Not because I tell them don't

9:33be around me. It's because my energy is

9:36so powerful in

9:39positivity. The negative people can't be

9:41around me. They think I'm annoying. They

9:44think, why are you so positive? Is it

9:46what it is is my energy irritates them.

9:48And so what you have to do is you've got

9:51to create a situation where your energy

9:55towards you is so very powerful. And if

9:59you're interested in that, here's what I

10:01want you to do. I want you to reach out

10:03to me at my website at

10:06coachkenkanyon.com or if you want, if

10:08you need a coach, somebody to help you

10:11navigate this thing, I want you to email

10:15me at

10:18coachkyon@gmail.com. You know what?

10:21Walking away is difficult. And I'm not

10:23telling you to walk away. Sometimes you

10:25want to stay, but I but I teach you how

10:28to stay. You stay with boundaries and

10:30standards. If the other person is

10:33unwilling to honor them to to to honor

10:36your boundaries and standards, now I'm

10:38not talking about crazy stuff, but then

10:41then that means they're not really

10:43honoring you. But you have to honor you.

10:46And if you're ready to take that

10:47journey, I'm ready to take it with you.

10:49I'll see you on the next one.