Full transcript
0:00You're born in the 17th century on the
0:02hills of Georgia. Your first cries come
0:05in a house [music] that always smells of
0:06bread. Well, at least that's how you've
0:09known it. You'll find out later that
0:11it's that way because your mother is
0:13never not baking something. Still, you
0:16don't complain as since you can
0:18remember, you've always looked forward
0:20to her hatchery, a type of cheese- fil
0:22bread. You've just turned five when you
0:25meet Data. He lives in your village, but
0:28is a few years older than you. Still,
0:30you both become friends, and by the time
0:32you're both old enough to walk to the
0:34orchard alone, he's already your closest
0:37friend [music] in the world. You both
0:39spend the afternoon stealing plums from
0:41old basos trees. He climbs while you
0:44keep watch. Years pass as you grow up
0:47together that by the time you turn 19,
0:50nobody's surprised that Data asks for
0:52your hand in marriage. A month later,
0:54you get married and begin to build a
0:57small life together. A year after your
1:00marriage, your husband tells you that
1:02he's tired of living in the hills. He
1:04tells you that he's been thinking of
1:06moving with you to Trabzon, a major city
1:09under the Ottoman Empire. You ask why.
1:12He says that he has realized that the
1:14world is changing. And most importantly,
1:17he doesn't want his and your children to
1:20grow up only knowing the village. The
1:23way he says it makes your eyes go wide.
1:26The truth is you've never thought about
1:28your future this much. So you ask when
1:31he plans for the journey. He tells you
1:33not to worry as he's still waiting for a
1:35response from his older brother that's
1:37already in Trabzon.
1:396 months later, he gets the green light.
1:42Now all that's left is for you and him
1:44to get ready for the journey. You spend
1:47the next month saying goodbye to
1:49everyone that matters in your life. And
1:51it's during one of those visits at your
1:53parents house that you receive news you
1:55never expected to hear. While talking to
1:58your mother, you feel nauseous. It
2:01doesn't take long before you rush out of
2:03the house to vomit. Sitting across from
2:05you, your mother watches you
2:07suspiciously. When you get back, she
2:10moves closer to you as she asks when you
2:13started vomiting. You tell her it isn't
2:16serious, so she shouldn't worry. She
2:19ignores your words as she starts to
2:20check your belly, chest, and eyes.
2:23>> You notice that she seems to have found
2:26something as her eyes light up. As you
2:28try to ask, she screams joyfully as she
2:32shouts that you're pregnant. That night,
2:35you break the news to your husband as
2:37you both celebrate [laughter] it. Then
2:39he tells you that this news has sped up
2:42his plans as he hopes you can both leave
2:44for Trabzon before the child is born.
2:47You don't argue. After all, he's your
2:50husband. 3 months later, you and Data
2:53begin the journey to Travzon. Your first
2:56days on the road are easier than you
2:58feared. You stop in small towns, sleep
3:01in ins that smell of unfamiliar spices
3:04and eat food that tastes nothing like
3:06home. Still, Data keeps you laughing the
3:09way he always has. bad singing, worse
3:12jokes, and the same easy warmth that
3:15made you say yes to him years ago. On
3:18those mornings where your feet ache and
3:19your back strains under the growing
3:21weight of the baby, he slows the pace
3:23without making a thing of it. You've
3:25been on the road for 3 weeks when a
3:27merchant traveling the same road tells
3:29both of you that Trabzon is close now.
3:32[laughter] He says it'll take perhaps
3:33two more days, maybe less if the weather
3:36holds. Hearing that loosens in your
3:38chest, you just tell yourself silently,
3:41"Almost there." Three days later, the
3:45city gates come into view, and they are
3:47huge. But upon reaching it, you find a
3:51checkpoint where you see officials in
3:52uniform seated at a table, waving
3:55travelers through one group at a time.
3:58You notice a woman moving among the
4:00female travelers, asking routine
4:02questions. When she reaches you, her
4:05eyes go to your belly before they go to
4:06your face. She asks how far along you
4:09are. You tell her it's been 5 months
4:12without thinking twice about it. This
4:14isn't strange as that's all everyone has
4:17been asking you for months. Still, you
4:20notice a shift in the way she looks at
4:21you after hearing your answer, but she
4:24says nothing further to you directly.
4:27Instead, she turns and speaks to one of
4:29the seated officials, who then looks up
4:31at you before looking at data. At this
4:34point, you believe that you're in
4:36trouble. You wonder what taboo you must
4:39have committed as you inch closer to
4:41data, but the official beats you to it
4:44as he takes a big stride to reach data
4:46first. Then he addresses him, not you.
4:50He mentions plainly that the palace has
4:52a need for women in your condition and
4:54that there would be generous
4:56compensation for the arrangement. When
4:58you try to object, he just suggests
5:00mildly that he and your husband should
5:02continue somewhere quieter. Your heart
5:05skips a beat as you watch them walk a
5:07short distance away out of your hearing,
5:10though not out of your sight. Throughout
5:13their discussion, you watch Data's face
5:15as the man talks. You watch him nod,
5:18then frown, and finally argue. But you
5:22notice that not once did he look back
5:24toward you the whole time they talk.
5:27Still, you wait where you've been left
5:29with your hand unconsciously pressed
5:31against your stomach. Minutes later, the
5:35official comes back, except this time he
5:38comes back alone. Data isn't with him.
5:42Immediately, you ask, "What has happened
5:44to your husband?" The official laughs
5:46and asks you to guess. The truth is, you
5:50already guessed what had happened. You
5:52just don't want to believe it. The
5:54official leaves you with your guess as
5:56he guides you toward a carriage waiting
5:58a short distance away. As he does so,
6:01you keep looking back for data, hoping
6:04this is some misunderstanding.
6:06You keep hoping that he's being held
6:08back against his will and that he'll
6:10break out calling for your name. But
6:13reality doesn't always match our
6:15imagination. As even as the carriage
6:17starts to leave, data doesn't appear. So
6:20you sit there with your hands over the
6:22shape of the child inside you. The same
6:25child you were rushing the traps on to
6:27give a better life to. You think of
6:29everything you and data planned together
6:32and realize that none of it is going to
6:34happen the way you imagined it. But the
6:37carriage does not care about your
6:39thoughts as it takes you away.
6:42The carriage rocks on for what feels
6:44like days. When it finally stops, you
6:47cannot believe your eyes. This is
6:49because it stops at the gate of a city
6:52that makes Trabzon, which already looked
6:54huge to you, look small. As the carriage
6:58enters the city, you press your face
7:00against the window without meaning to.
7:02And what you see takes your breath away.
7:06You see domes stacked against domes.
7:08Minoretses taller than anything you've
7:11ever measured a sky against. Streets
7:14that seem to swallow themselves into
7:16more streets. The official that
7:18negotiated with data watches you take it
7:20in as he tells you where you are.
7:23>> He calls it Constantinople,
7:26the heart of the Ottoman Empire. And
7:29something in the way he says it makes it
7:31clear he expects the name to mean
7:33something to you. It doesn't. Not
7:36really. To you, it's just a very large
7:39city that your husband has sold you to.
7:42It seems the official notices your mood
7:44as he asks if you resent data. You don't
7:48answer, but he takes your silence as an
7:51answer as he tells you that you
7:52shouldn't as this was the best outcome
7:55for both of you. And if things go well
7:57for you here, you'll likely never want
8:00for anything again in your life.
8:03You don't understand him. You're not
8:05even sure you're meant to yet.
8:08Eventually, the carriage stops before a
8:10palace so grand you believe it might not
8:13have been made by mortals. The official
8:15tells you that it's the top copy palace
8:18where the Sultan of the Empire lives
8:20along with his family and more people
8:22than you can count. Inside the palace,
8:25you're handed off to a man whose
8:27appearance startles you before you can
8:28stop yourself from staring. His skin is
8:31darker than anything you've ever seen.
8:34His manner is also oddly soft, but most
8:37importantly, his perfume is so strong
8:40that you nearly cough. You'll learn
8:43later that he's a unic. For now, he's
8:46simply the person who leads you away to
8:48be washed, dressed, and made
8:50presentable. He also explains why you're
8:53here. He tells you that your sole duty
8:56from now on will be to nurse a child of
8:58the palace once it's born. It's then you
9:01ask what will happen to your own child
9:03when it's born. He tells you not to
9:06worry that your child will definitely be
9:08cared for. You don't believe it. Still,
9:12you don't argue.
9:14Months pass as you turn 22. Your
9:18delivery date is also close. You expect
9:21these months to be full of hard labor
9:23and abuse. Turns out you were wrong as
9:26they turn out to be the best months of
9:28your life. Firstly, you're fed well. The
9:32meals you eat in the palace are unlike
9:34anything you've tasted. Not even your
9:36mother's food, which you always said was
9:38the best in the world, holds a candle to
9:41them. But that's not all. You also have
9:44maids assigned to you. And whenever you
9:47feel a discomfort, [music] a palace
9:48position is always at hand. [laughter]
9:51Over these months, your baby grows
9:53bigger as your body grows heavier. Then
9:56finally, your labor comes. [screaming]
9:59It's hard and long, but thanks to the
10:01palace midwives, there are no surprises
10:04as you birth a son. [laughter] For the
10:06first few weeks of his life, he is
10:08entirely yours. You feed him and sing to
10:11him the songs your mother sang to you.
10:14You even give him a Georgian name. For a
10:17moment, you believe things will always
10:19remain like this. But alas, a month
10:22after your son's birth, the consort
10:25whose child you were actually bought for
10:27is born. That day, a unit comes for you
10:31as your son is taken from your arms
10:33while you're still crying. But no amount
10:36of crying changes anything. You're then
10:38led weeping to a chamber where a newborn
10:42prince is placed into the same arms that
10:44were emptied of your own son moments
10:46before. You expect yourself to hate him.
10:50After all, he's the reason both your
10:52husband and son were taken from you. But
10:56immediately, you lay your eyes on him.
10:59Your maternal instincts take over as you
11:02bring him to your chest and begin to
11:04feed him. And to make it bearable, you
11:07let yourself imagine just for these
11:10first minutes that it's your own son at
11:13your chest.
11:15But even as you do, some part of you is
11:18already [music] asking the question
11:19nobody here bothered to answer.
11:22Where was your son taken to?
11:26Months pass as you nurse the prince that
11:28replaced your son. But this still
11:31doesn't mean his own mother is absent.
11:34The prince's biological mother is a
11:36consort named Goulsha. She's sharpeyed
11:39but permanently exhausted by the
11:41calculations required just to keep her
11:43son alive in a herum full of schemes.
11:46Because of this, she has little time to
11:48hold him the way you hold him. This
11:51makes you the one to sing him to sleep,
11:53notice when a tooth is coming in, or sit
11:56with him through fevers. At first, you
11:59tell yourself it's only duty. But by the
12:02time the prince turns one, you stop
12:04deluding yourself. The truth is, by now,
12:08your real son is almost a forgotten
12:10dream. All the love and affection meant
12:13for him have been transferred to the
12:15prince.
12:17You still think about him sometimes, but
12:19thinking about him won't bring him back,
12:22so you try not to dwell on it. Years
12:25pass and the prince turns five.
12:28Normally, you expect to be dismissed
12:30after the prince had been weaned. But it
12:33turns out that in the Ottoman Empire,
12:35milkmothers, which is what they call
12:37you, do have a bit of importance. To
12:40keep you closer to the child you've
12:42nursed, you're made his governness. This
12:45means that while his biological mother
12:47is busy with palace duties, you monitor
12:50and supervise his feeding and
12:51well-being. It's then that you learn
12:54exactly why a palace child needs to be
12:56washed at all times. The reason is
12:59because only one son typically lives to
13:02inherit the empire. And between their
13:04birth and the day it's decided, every
13:07son is a rival to another. One evening
13:11when the prince ate, his meal is served.
13:14For some reason, something about it
13:16feels wrong to you. It's not a feeling
13:19you can actually name, just an instinct
13:22sharpened by months of watching over
13:24him. So, you taste it yourself before he
13:27touches it, hoping to find out if
13:29anything's wrong. At first, nothing
13:32happens. But within the hour, you become
13:36violently ill. When Ghoul Shaw hears,
13:39she doesn't scold you for overstepping.
13:41She just rushes to your room and sits
13:44with you while the physicians try their
13:46best to save you, which from her is its
13:49own kind of thanks. Still, she tells you
13:52not to worry as prices would be paid.
13:56She only asks that you survive and you
14:00survive.
14:01In the months after the poisoning, you
14:04hear whispers move through the palace
14:06like smoke under a door. A maid was
14:08found unresponsive in her quarters. A
14:11unic is reassigned overnight and never
14:14seen again. Nobody says the word murder
14:17out loud. Then Ghoul Shaw comes to you
14:20directly and asks for a favor of you.
14:23She tells you that a consort in the
14:25eastern wing has created an alliance
14:27that left alone could tip favor toward
14:30her son when the old sultan finally
14:32dies. Ghoul Shaw wants a specific rumor
14:36to be worded carefully and carried to
14:38the sultan's ears without being traced
14:40back to where it started. You ask her
14:43why it has to be you. She doesn't soften
14:46the answer as she tells you that the
14:48herum watches her closely as every
14:50movement and conversation she makes is
14:53scrutinized. But you, she says, are
14:56belittled. She mentions that years of
14:59being the quiet one, the milk mother,
15:01and the woman who just feeds children
15:03and stays out of rooms where decisions
15:05are made have made you become invisible
15:08in exactly the way that makes you useful
15:11now. And that's why the Unix and maids
15:14trust you enough to speak freely in
15:16front of you. You don't deny that. The
15:20following week see you doing exactly
15:22what she describes. [laughter] A quiet
15:24word to a maid you've known since you
15:26arrived. Phrased so it sounds like
15:28concern rather than intention. A detail
15:31mentioned in passing to a unic who owes
15:34you a favor from years back. Delivered
15:36with just enough hesitation to sound
15:39like reluctant honesty rather than a
15:41weapon. You watch it move through the
15:43palace over the following weeks. And
15:46within a month, the consort standing
15:48within the alliance has slumped beyond
15:50repair. And most importantly, nobody
15:53ever names you as the source. Nobody
15:56would even think to.
15:58>> After the incident, you realize that you
16:01don't feel guilty at all. What you feel
16:03instead is something closer to
16:06realization. The realization that you
16:09would do anything for your son.
16:12Years pass as you turn 43. The prince is
16:16now a young man. He has grown from a boy
16:18needing your milk to survive to a man
16:21whose presence commands respect in the
16:23palace. But that's not all that has
16:26changed. Gulshaw never stops scheming as
16:29she's now the most powerful consort in
16:31the herum. Even Keslar Agassa, the chief
16:34black unic is in her camp. And with the
16:37sultan old now, everyone knows who is
16:40most likely to succeed him. Still,
16:43nobody relents.
16:45Two years later, the Sultan dies and
16:48your boy inherits the empire. On the day
16:51of his coronation, you stand as near as
16:54your rank allows as you watch him be
16:56girded with the sword and declared
16:58sultan. And at that moment, you feel
17:02what is unmistakably a mother's pride.
17:06Years pass as you turn 46. It has been 3
17:10years since your boy ascended the
17:11throne. But it's not only his status
17:14that has changed. Gulsha rose to Voli
17:18Dust Sultan or mother of the Sultan as
17:21she became the most powerful woman in
17:23the empire. And somehow you rose with
17:26her as her most trusted adviser.
17:28You finally understand the words of the
17:31official who brought you to the palace
17:33as you now really want for nothing.
17:36Silk, food, jewelries, [music]
17:39and even estates are at your fingertips.
17:42But there's still one thing out of your
17:44grasp. Your son. You've always told
17:48yourself that the only son you have is
17:50in the palace. That looking for
17:52something you might never find isn't
17:54worth it. But even you know you don't
17:57believe that. So you start looking
18:00quietly, carefully, the same way you've
18:03leared to do everything in this palace.
18:06You hire men through intermediaries, pay
18:09in small enough amounts that nothing
18:11draws attention. And wait,
18:14>> for a while it works. Word comes that a
18:17baby was sent from the palace to be
18:18raised by a family near Trabzon, the
18:21very city you never reached the same
18:23year he was taken from you. Then more
18:26information reaches you. the name the
18:29family gave him, a description of his
18:31appearance as a toddler, even his
18:34temperament.
18:36Then the letter stopped. The informant
18:39tells you that the family moved away
18:40from Trabzon when your son turned four,
18:43and at the moment, they do not know
18:45where they went. So, you're left to stew
18:48in your thoughts. Months pass with
18:51nothing. You tell yourself this is
18:53normal, that trails go cold, and that
18:56silence isn't the same as no answer. You
18:59tell yourself this every day. And every
19:02day, it convinces you a little less.
19:06Then finally, a letter arrives one
19:08morning. Opening the parchment, you see
19:11that your son and his new family moved
19:13to Constantinople.
19:15Unfortunately for him, he died at 7.
19:20You had stealed your mind for news like
19:22this. But hearing that he died from a
19:24fever the palace physicians treat easily
19:28brings tears to your eyes. So you ask
19:31whoever brought you the news to leave as
19:33you need to be alone before you can even
19:35begin to feel it.
19:38What follows isn't graceful. You don't
19:40cry quietly. You cry the way you didn't
19:44let yourself cry the day he was taken
19:46from your arms. Decades of held grief
19:50arriving all at once. You even say his
19:53name, the real one, out loud over and
19:58over, like saying it enough times might
20:01undo something.
20:03It doesn't undo anything.
20:06You're still wallowing in your grief
20:08when a voice outside your chambers
20:10announces that the Sultan is coming.
20:13Immediately you hear that, something in
20:15you steadies. Not because the grief is
20:18over. It isn't. It won't be for a long
20:21time. But because the announcement
20:24reminds you of a fact your grief had for
20:27a moment made you forget entirely.
20:30It is that you have a son and it's one
20:33you actually raised, fed, sang to, and
20:37even almost died for. You realize that
20:41losing the boy you didn't get to raise
20:43doesn't erase the fact that you raised
20:45one.
20:46So, you wipe your face and straighten
20:49your dress to meet your son. And by the
20:52time the door opens,
20:53>> you're composed enough to receive him.
20:56[laughter] You watch him as he crosses
20:58the room and kneels before you without a
21:00word as he presses his lips to your hand
21:03to show his respect.
21:05And just from that, whatever sadness
21:08that was still sitting in your chest
21:10when he walked in is gone by the time he
21:14lifts his eyes to yours. [laughter]