Full transcript
0:00Why is it so hard to go slow in early
0:02dating and what do you do when the slow
0:04burn feels weird because you've only
0:07experienced intensity? And if you're not
0:10used to slowing down, how do you know a
0:11new connection is even going in the
0:13right direction? Today I'm breaking down
0:16how to enjoy getting to know someone
0:18slowly, especially if it's unfamiliar to
0:21you and it gives you a lot of anxiety.
0:23Welcome back to Dating Intentionally.
0:24I'm Talia. I'm sharing no-nonsense
0:27advice for navigating dating and
0:28relationships with confidence and ease,
0:31whether you've been dating for a while
0:32or you're just starting out. I believe
0:34dating can be fun and we're back with
0:36another slow burn episode. This is one
0:39of my favorite topics because the slow
0:40burn, as you probably know at this
0:42point, is essential for building a
0:44relationship that lasts. That's not to
0:46say a sparky romance can't turn into
0:49something more, but more often than not,
0:51the best connections start slow. Why?
0:54Because when we take things
0:56step-by-step, we can tune into ourselves
0:58and be more intentional. When you're
1:01used to romances that take off quickly,
1:02you know, where the connection feels
1:04seamless and you could cut the sexual
1:06tension with a knife and you feel like
1:08you're in a literal fairy tale at first,
1:11a slow burn can feel boring, confusing,
1:14and it can come with even more anxiety.
1:17So today I'm going to get into a quick
1:19refresher on what the slow burn is so
1:20we're all on the same page. I'll get
1:22into why it's so challenging, how to
1:24know you're actually ready for this type
1:26of connection, signs you'll need to pump
1:28the brakes, and tips on enjoying it.
1:31I'll also talk about physical intimacy
1:33and the difference between a slow burn
1:34and just not vibing with someone. And at
1:37the end I'm going to answer a dating
1:38dilemma about closing the door on a new
1:40connection with potential.
1:42As always, I want to hear from you. Tell
1:44me in the comments, if you're listening
1:46on Spotify or watching on YouTube, what
1:48your biggest challenge is with the slow
1:50burn. Or I want to hear something you've
1:52learned about the slow burn from
1:54listening to this podcast that has
1:55helped you. You can also DM me on
1:58Instagram if you have any questions or
1:59thoughts. My handle is
2:01@dating.intentionally
2:03and I'm here for you. All right, let's
2:05do it. So, here's a quick refresher on
2:08the slow burn. When we talk about the
2:09slow burn, we're talking about building
2:11a connection, romantic connection,
2:13slowly, date by date, and not rushing
2:16intimacy in any form, emotional,
2:18physical, or anything like that, so that
2:20a real connection and actual trust can
2:23grow. I love reminding people of this
2:27study, which I will link in the show
2:28notes, that found it takes 50 hours
2:31spent with someone in person to call
2:33them a friend.
2:3450 hours in person, not texting. So,
2:37that's like 12 4-hour-long dates. You
2:40can't cram that into a 2-week period
2:42when you first start dating. So, just
2:44keep that in mind, like how long, how
2:46many hours you actually have to spend
2:47with someone in person to call them a
2:50friend, versus how long you're spending
2:53with people you think you're going to
2:54spend the rest of your life with, right?
2:56Especially if you're only used to
2:58intensity.
2:5950 hours, I know it doesn't sound like a
3:01lot, but it actually is. So, again, the
3:03slow burn just means that you're getting
3:05to know someone date by date, you're not
3:06rushing into anything. And if you want
3:08other episodes on the slow burn, which
3:09I'll link in the show notes, but really
3:11quick, you can go back and listen to
3:13episode 111, which is about how to stay
3:15grounded in dating, episode 146, which
3:18is all about a slow burn versus a dead
3:21end, and episode 172, which is all about
3:25when you're looking for a slow burn, but
3:27they're the ones rushing it. So, again,
3:29if you want to check those out, they're
3:30in the show notes for you. Why is a slow
3:32burn ideal? Going slowly allows us time
3:35to process our emotions and reflect,
3:37which a lot of us don't do. Our anxiety
3:39wants the answer, our anxiety wants
3:42action, our anxiety is so bad at being
3:45uncertain and dealing with the unknowns.
3:48But going slowly helps us get used to
3:50the discomfort of the unknown and all
3:52that uncertainty and actually figure out
3:55our feelings when we're feeling all that
3:58anxiety on top of everything else. It
4:00also gives you more time to make
4:02decisions that align with your values
4:04and what you want, which is the whole
4:06point of dating intentionally, right?
4:07Whatever it is you want, when you go
4:09slow, you can actually check in with
4:11yourself and be like, wait, does this
4:13decision support what I ultimately want
4:15for myself?
4:17It also gives you more time to let
4:19someone show you who they are, which is
4:21so so important. I've done an episode on
4:23this as well.
4:24You need time and consistency to see who
4:27that person you're dating really is and
4:29what their motives are, what their
4:30intentions are, because
4:32people who just want to hook up with you
4:34aren't going to go spend 50 hours
4:37getting to know you before that happens.
4:39They're just not. That's why going slow
4:41helps us really check to see
4:43what their intentions are and who they
4:47really are as a person, what their
4:48character is. And finally, it's the best
4:51way to build a real genuine emotional
4:53connection.
4:54You know, familiarity and trust is just
4:56something that you can't rush. There are
4:58some parts of getting to know someone
5:01that it's actually better to just enjoy
5:03the ride and let trust build naturally
5:08instead of forcing it and
5:10trying to speed up the process by
5:12trauma dumping and oversharing or doing
5:15it whatever it else it is you're doing
5:16to speed up the process of building
5:18familiarity and trust. It really doesn't
5:20work that way. To build real trust with
5:22someone, you need to see repetition. You
5:24need to see that they're going to be
5:26consistent, their actions will align
5:28with their words 80% of the time or
5:30more. And you can't really know that
5:33after three dates. You need to spend
5:35more time with someone to really figure
5:37that out. When I was dating, something
5:39that really changed the game was not
5:41putting pressure on myself to find
5:43someone immediately, which really helped
5:45me go slow, and that allowed me to build
5:48a real connection with people instead of
5:50just focusing on the outcome, focusing
5:52on the milestones, the pacing. It was
5:55more just like, who are you? Do you fit
5:57what I'm looking for? Do we fit into
6:00each other's lives well? And how will
6:02this play out? It was just a much more
6:04relaxed approach to dating because
6:07I didn't need it for it to work out. I
6:09just wanted to get to know them. The end
6:11of the story is real connections take
6:13time.
6:14The slow burn is so hard to do for so
6:16many of us because one, they're just not
6:18as exciting as sparky whirlwind romances
6:20and that can sometimes feel
6:22unsatisfying. I won't lie. Two, we just
6:25want to be in a relationship already.
6:26Like, I've heard over and over, can't we
6:28just skip the dating part and just get
6:30right to the part where we're we're in
6:31sweatpants on the couch watching
6:33Netflix? Like, I just want to get to
6:35that part. Well, unfortunately, you need
6:37that part of building trust and getting
6:39to know each other so that you can get
6:41to that part with someone you actually
6:43love instead of someone you're just
6:45forcing it with. And three, you have to
6:47be more comfortable with uncertainty.
6:49Part of the reason why we rush is
6:51because we want to get to the part where
6:53in addition to the sweatpants and
6:55Netflix situation, you're also sure that
6:57they like you and you're certain they're
6:59not going to leave.
7:01Part of dating is just that you're it
7:03you're suspended in air of like, where
7:05is this going to land? Are we going to
7:06be together or are we not? And that can
7:09be so uncomfortable. And the fourth
7:12reason it's so hard is that this isn't
7:14taught to us. Like, let's not that most
7:17of the models we have for romance in
7:19books, movies, TV are fast and
7:22passionate unless they're friends to
7:24lovers stories. Watching two people who
7:27are interested in each other form a
7:29connection over time without any tension
7:31or obstacles is just not as fun to watch
7:34on the screen, even with your parents.
7:36Think about, you know, maybe your
7:37parents have a wonderful relationship,
7:39but unless you witness one of your
7:41parents get into another marriage like
7:43when you were an adult like I did I
7:44guess, you don't necessarily have a
7:46model for how your parents ended up in a
7:49relationship and what growing that
7:50connection looked like because you
7:52weren't there. All we have is what we
7:54see around us and that can make the slow
7:57burn hard because the slow burn would be
7:59really boring to watch in a movie or on
8:03TV. I know for me what I struggled with
8:04the most was the uncertainty around do
8:07they like me, do they want me, and do
8:09they see this going somewhere, too. But
8:11I learned that going slow and becoming
8:14the chooser, right? Do I like them? Do I
8:16like how they're treating me? Do I see
8:18this going somewhere? Shifting that
8:19helped make the slow burn a lot easier,
8:21as well. I could go on, but just know
8:24that if you're struggling taking your
8:25time with dating and making new
8:28connections, you are not alone.
8:31So, let's get into how to learn how to
8:33embrace a slow burn even if you find it
8:36challenging and you've only known rushed
8:38sparky romance.
8:40So, first off, are you ready for this?
8:42Are you ready for a slow burn? Are you
8:44in a place where you're willing to put
8:46in the work to be okay with uncertainty?
8:49Can you handle that discomfort? And are
8:51you ready to get to know someone over
8:53time even if it might be a dead end and
8:55not work out? That's the biggest risk
8:57here and I don't think it's a risk that
8:59we can avoid as much as we want to. As
9:01much of as we could just know on the
9:04first date if that person is worth
9:05putting the time into or not, we just
9:07can't know. That's part of the fun of
9:09dating. I know it's also daunting, but
9:11that mystery of letting it play out and
9:14seeing where it lands is part of the fun
9:16when you let go
9:18and you learn to relax into the process.
9:20And I think part of being ready is also
9:23kind of a maturity thing.
9:25Maybe you're not ready if you've never
9:27had a whirlwind romance. Maybe you want
9:29to experience the roller coaster of a
9:31situationship first. I get it and I
9:33don't think that's bad. I was damming
9:35with someone last week who was asking me
9:37about how she didn't feel passion in her
9:41new relationship that's like 5 months
9:43long. And I was telling her like, if
9:45you're waiting for passion after 5
9:47months of dating someone, you're
9:49probably not going to feel it at that
9:50point. And then she told me that she had
9:52just gotten out of a 22-year marriage.
9:54And I'm like, well, no wonder you're
9:56craving passion. It's you were in a
9:58marriage for 22 years. You know,
10:00obviously my advice is take it or leave
10:02it, but I encouraged her to
10:04consider, maybe you're not ready for the
10:06slow burn yet. Maybe you want to enjoy a
10:09whirlwind romance that is short-lived,
10:11but really fun. There's nothing wrong
10:14with that. Just be honest with yourself
10:15about what you want. I don't know if you
10:17agree with me or not, but the more I get
10:19into this work, the more I really
10:20believe that
10:22the whirlwind romance and the slow burn
10:24are two different things. There are some
10:25not a ton of overlap. I know there are
10:27exceptions to this, but the more I see
10:29people and all my clients and listeners
10:31get into relationships, the more I'm
10:33hearing, "It was a slow burn. We got to
10:35know each other. They weren't my type at
10:37first." Like, that has been how people
10:40get into long-lasting,
10:43stable relationships more than we met
10:45each other and we weren't sure and there
10:47was
10:48someone had their foot out the door and
10:50they didn't want a relationship, but I
10:51did and it was messy. Like, that doesn't
10:53build into a long-term relationship
10:56usually. Can it? Sure. But I'm just
10:59saying, I think they're totally separate
11:01things. And it's okay if you are in a
11:03point in your life where you're like,
11:04"You know what? I want something fun
11:06that is not going to last." That's
11:09totally fine. For me, I knew I was ready
11:11for a slow burn when I wasn't in a rush
11:14to find my person. Like I said earlier,
11:16I was really enjoying my single life and
11:19I wasn't trying to escape that. I didn't
11:20feel like I was running out of time. I
11:22was just like, "Okay, I'm dating. I'm
11:25really enjoying the process." Obviously,
11:27that's what this podcast is all about.
11:29And let's just see where it goes. And I
11:31did end up meeting someone who met all
11:33my needs and I knew to stop looking
11:35then. And I really didn't care if things
11:37worked out or not because I was so
11:40grounded while being single. Of course,
11:42I had some ups and downs, but by the
11:44time I met Johnny, my husband, I felt
11:46very stable. Like nothing was really
11:49going to shake me. The slow burn also
11:51felt more fun and interesting to me
11:53because I hadn't experienced it as much
11:55like in contrast to the person I was
11:57just talking about who had a 22-year
11:59long marriage. I experienced more of the
12:03messy whirlwind romances in my early 20s
12:06like most people. And I was like, "Oh,
12:08it's actually nice to slow down and
12:11relax into it." And finally, I was ready
12:13to put in the work of building a
12:15connection and dealing with someone's
12:17flaws. This was the biggest sign that I
12:19was ready. I wasn't looking for a
12:20perfection and I had the capacity and
12:23patience to be in a relationship with
12:24someone imperfect, which by the way is
12:27everyone. So again, to wrap that part
12:29up, just get honest with yourself about
12:31what you're truly ready for and don't
12:32judge yourself if you're not ready for
12:35taking it slow, dealing with someone's
12:36flaws, getting to know someone over
12:38time, and dealing with the uncertainty.
12:41So what are the signs to spot early that
12:44you should slow down? Like let's just
12:45say you're dating someone right now and
12:47you're like, "Okay, wait. Am I doing a
12:49slow burn? Are we going too fast?" Here
12:51are some of the signs.
12:52If you find yourself in the what if
12:54trap, right? What if they change their
12:56mind about me? What if their ex comes
12:59back? Or what if they change their mind
13:01about wanting a relationship? They said
13:03they might change jobs. What if they
13:04move? And it's like, "You just met this
13:07person." So if you find yourself
13:10caught in that what if loop, that is a
13:12sign you need to slow down and remind
13:14yourself how many hours you've actually
13:17spent with this person. Another sign is
13:18that you're fantasizing about a future
13:20with them before you know how they
13:22handle their responsibilities and how
13:24they handle conflict. It's easy to dream
13:26of what the future could be like,
13:27especially before you know them well.
13:30But, if you find yourself picturing a
13:31future with someone before you even know
13:33if they're truly emotionally intelligent
13:35and available, that's a sign you you
13:37need to slow down and remind yourself
13:39that you don't know them that well yet.
13:42Confirm
13:43their emotional capacity before we get
13:45into the the fantasizing. Another sign
13:48is that you're jumping into spending a
13:49ton of energy and time on the
13:51relationship. The slow burn is all about
13:54the gradual build. People need to earn
13:57their way into your life by showing up
13:59consistently and putting in the effort.
14:01And if you find yourself texting
14:02constantly, seeing each other as often
14:04as possible right after you met, that is
14:07a huge sign to pause and think about
14:09what you're doing and why. What Where is
14:12that urgency coming from? And the issue
14:14with this though is that it's really
14:16hard to dial back
14:19and keep going with the relationship
14:20once you've sped up into it. So, you
14:23really need to catch this very early
14:25before you've gone all in because then
14:27you'll realize, "Oh, I really rushed
14:29into it." And that's really common.
14:31Like, people ask me like, "Can you slow
14:33down after you've rushed in?" I think
14:35yes, it's just really, really difficult
14:38and both parties need to be fully on
14:39board with slowing down and what that
14:41looks like. Look, even those sparky,
14:44whirlwind romances are fun, they tend to
14:46crash hard. What happens is that the
14:48frequent texting and long marathon dates
14:50early on aren't sustainable. People
14:53start to fall off. The novelty wears off
14:55quickly because you both rush into it
14:57and all of a sudden you're wondering if
14:59they even like you anymore, why they're
15:01acting differently, and if something is
15:02wrong. But, usually it's just because a
15:04high volume of attention on each other
15:06very early isn't sustainable. That's
15:09usually all it is.
15:10I don't want you to get into a crash and
15:12burn romance. If you are looking for a
15:13long-term relationship, I want you to be
15:15able to take it step by step, date by
15:17date. And let's get into how to you the
15:20slow burn process, even if you've known
15:22nothing else.
15:23The first tip I have for you is to enjoy
15:25more chemistry-boosting dates. So, just
15:28because you're going slow and taking it
15:29day by day doesn't mean that you can't
15:31do fun activities together that would
15:33actually invigorate your chemistry.
15:36Think fun dynamic activities. I mean,
15:39personally, I love a bowling date, mini
15:41golf is a classic. You can get more
15:43creative with it though if you find
15:45those sound too boring, but anything
15:47that's new to both of you or new to one
15:49of you is going to boost chemistry.
15:52And guess what? I do have a post on
15:54this, so I will link that post in the
15:55show notes. It'll be chemistry-boosting
15:57dates right there linked for you. It's
15:58on Instagram cuz I have a bunch of them.
16:01But another idea for chemistry-boosting
16:03dates would be a date that travels, like
16:05maybe you go somewhere for appetizers or
16:08drinks, and then you leave and go
16:09somewhere else for dinner. Like a date
16:11that moves from place to place is going
16:13to be more fun and feel like more of an
16:15adventure than just a static meet for
16:17coffee, have your coffee, and leave kind
16:19of date. Anything where you're
16:21interacting with other people or
16:22external factors or making memories
16:25together is going to boost chemistry
16:27while enjoying a slowburn. Just make
16:29sure you keep those dates short.
16:31Another tip is remember and remind
16:33yourself how much pain you're receiving
16:35by going slow because when you're
16:38reflecting on every single date, when
16:40you're not rushing into the connection,
16:43you can actually think about whether or
16:45not this person is good for you. Are you
16:47noticing the same patterns as previous
16:49people you've been with? Are you
16:51noticing red flags that you should
16:52definitely pay attention to?
16:55It's going to be harder to notice those
16:56things if you're rushing into it and all
16:58you care about is like getting to where
17:00you're official or if you let they like
17:02you or saying I love you, like whatever
17:04it is that you're rushing towards. And
17:06finally, my last tip is relish in the
17:08process of slowly getting to know
17:10someone. This is part of the magic of
17:12being human.
17:13What I love about relationships,
17:15platonic, romantic, all of it, is that
17:18you can never fully know a person.
17:20People are always changing and the
17:23getting to know you process never really
17:25ends in a deep long-term relationship,
17:28whether it's platonic or not. And I
17:30really think there's magic in that. And
17:32when we rush the process, when you're
17:33like trying to have all the deep
17:35conversations in the first week of
17:36getting to know someone, especially over
17:38text, which we should not do, it's just
17:40not as fun. You're not going to remember
17:42things, the moment won't feel as
17:43special.
17:45Take When you're with the right person,
17:46there is no rush because you will have
17:49all the time in the world to get to know
17:51someone. Savor it. So, those are my tips
17:53for enjoying it. Again, I think the last
17:56tip to me is the most effective one that
17:58people overlook.
18:00And I also want to remind you that you
18:01might not feel the spark right away, but
18:04it can grow. And I'm not telling you to
18:07wait 5 months for it to grow. I'm
18:08talking about the first few dates. But
18:10when it does, it's even more special
18:12because you also like them more as a
18:15person because you've built up more of
18:16an emotional connection and more context
18:18for who they are. You know, I've talked
18:20about this so many times that when I
18:21first felt the spark with Johnny, it was
18:23after 6 weeks of getting to know each
18:25other, and he already felt more familiar
18:28to me, and obviously more than a friend,
18:31but there was a friendly foundation that
18:34I really enjoyed that made the whole
18:36connection feel a lot more safe and a
18:39lot more real.
18:40You know, other things I remember about
18:42getting to know him and the slow burn,
18:44we didn't start spending the whole
18:45weekend together until after we became
18:47official, and that was so magical. That
18:49was like 2 months into our relationship.
18:52And that magic that you've been waiting
18:54for can come later. You don't need to
18:56feel passion
18:58immediately. Also, what helped me with
19:00my husband is really lowering the
19:02stakes. I really enjoyed my first few
19:04dates with Johnny. He was fun and easy
19:07to talk to, and I wasn't worried about
19:09where it was going to go. I'm just like,
19:10do I want another date with this person?
19:12Will I have fun spending another hour or
19:15two talking to this person? That was the
19:17only question I had on my mind. And
19:19we'll get into this more, but I'm also
19:20really glad I slowed down the physical
19:23in this connection with my husband early
19:25on because
19:27getting to know him emotionally and
19:29intellectually made the physical a lot
19:31better when it finally happened. So, why
19:33do sparky romances crash and burn so
19:36hard even if they're amazing at first?
19:38This is so frustrating, right? Like,
19:39everything feels amazing and incredible
19:41at first. You're like, I've never met
19:43anyone like this person. I never hit it
19:44off with anyone like I have with this
19:47person. This is amazing. But then it
19:49just crashes or it fizzles out and it's
19:51so disappointing.
19:53The first thing is like I said earlier,
19:55the effort required isn't sustainable.
19:57When you're putting in a ton of energy
19:59into a connection before you even really
20:01know them, before that 50-hour mark,
20:04that's not sustainable. The texting is
20:06only going to go down. The energy you're
20:08putting into each other is only going to
20:09taper off. It can't go up from there and
20:12it's going to feel like something's
20:13wrong. You're going to feel like, oh,
20:14there's this shift. They're not into me
20:16anymore when really it's just not
20:18sustainable.
20:19There also comes a point where you
20:21realize that you don't actually know
20:23each other and there's this reaction to
20:25pull away. Like, wait, we're sharing all
20:28this intimacy,
20:29but we're still kind of strangers. And
20:32that shift can also cause a sparky
20:35romance to crash and burn because you
20:36wake up and realize, like, whoa, whoa,
20:37whoa, whoa, whoa. We're going way too
20:39fast. This is so uncomfortable. I don't
20:41know you very well.
20:42I don't know what I want. I haven't had
20:44time to reflect on this. Like, what are
20:45we doing here? I'm sure you felt that
20:47before and it is not fun.
20:49Another reason sparky romances crash and
20:51burn is that usually when butterflies
20:54are present or you're feeling that kind
20:56of attraction to someone right away,
20:59it's because they're familiar and
21:01sometimes that doesn't It's not a good
21:03thing, right? They're familiar in a bad
21:04way. Like, they're similar to your ex or
21:07someone in your family who you have a
21:08toxic relationship with. And this is
21:11usually subconscious. I have a whole
21:13episode about why we're attracted to the
21:15wrong people. I will link that in the
21:16show notes. A lot of episodes going in
21:18the show notes today. So, just watch out
21:20for them below. But anyway, that's
21:22usually not the best foundation for a
21:24long-term, healthy, and secure romance,
21:26especially if you've never had one.
21:28Especially if you've only known the
21:30sparky romances that crash and burn.
21:32When you feel that again with someone,
21:35it might mean that you're about to get
21:36into that same pattern, possibly. So,
21:39how do you know if it's a slow burn or
21:41if you just don't like them? So, this
21:42will come up because if you've never
21:44experienced a slow burn before, you
21:46could confuse this with maybe we're just
21:48friends, maybe I don't like them, maybe
21:50I'm not attracted to them. So, let's get
21:51into that. You know you don't like them
21:54if you dread hanging out with them, if
21:56you don't have fun when you're with them
21:58and look forward to the date ending, if
22:01when you reflect on dates you don't have
22:02anything positive to say, and if you
22:04don't like how they talk to you or treat
22:06you. Those are signs you clearly don't
22:09like that person. That's not a slow
22:10burn. You just aren't into them and you
22:12should end it.
22:13But it's a slow burn if you enjoy
22:15chatting with them, if you either feel
22:17neutral or look forward to your dates,
22:20if you feel curious about them and want
22:22to get to know them more, and if you
22:24like them so far, but you're not sure if
22:25they're what you're looking for yet.
22:27That is a slow burn, right? You're still
22:29enjoying it. You're still having a good
22:32enough time to keep going. You're still
22:34curious enough to keep getting to know
22:35them. And I have an example of this. So,
22:37I went out with this guy
22:39before I met my husband 10 times before
22:42I realized that I just didn't like him.
22:44So, that's 10 dates over the course of
22:46like a month. And the hard part for me
22:47about this person is that he was just
22:49really on the border for me.
22:51He was very on point with date plans and
22:53texting. He'd reach out to me. He
22:55treated me well and he was a good
22:57kisser. He had a good job. Was a lawyer.
22:59Like, there were a lot of really good
23:02things in play here, but I just didn't
23:05enjoy talking to him. I remember feeling
23:07bored on our dates. I remember not
23:10getting each other's humor. And I
23:11remember feeling in my gut that he
23:13wasn't my match even though everything
23:15seemed fine. And I know some people
23:16listening might be like, "Talia, you
23:18needed 10 dates to figure that out?" But
23:20part of it is also like, I'm fun. I, you
23:23know, make things fun for myself. So,
23:25sometimes on a date that I thought was
23:27really amazing, it's because of me. You
23:29know, it's because I am engaging and
23:31curious and ask good questions and I
23:33could talk to pretty much anyone. So,
23:35that was part of what tripped me up in
23:38that situation and many other situations
23:40in my journey. All right, so I'm
23:41circling back to this like I said I
23:42would. Where does physical intimacy fit
23:46into this whole slow burn business? So,
23:48I used to have a pattern of rushing
23:50intimacy a lot, meaning I would have sex
23:52with people on dates one, two, or three.
23:54And at first, I used sex to make me feel
23:57like more in control.
23:59And I felt like if we had sex, then they
24:01would definitely like me because I'm so
24:04fun and carefree. But then, I used to
24:06rush it because I thought you're
24:08supposed to have sex on the third date.
24:10Like that was the formula for dating,
24:12but it's not. Even though some people do
24:14expect that, you can have sex whenever
24:16you're ready, whether it's a third date
24:18or the 30th date, it doesn't matter.
24:20It's up to you. The pattern that I
24:22discovered was that when I jumped into
24:24bed quickly with people I barely knew, I
24:26got turned off. And knowing what I know
24:28now, it makes sense. I was avoidant and
24:32I withdrew from the connection because
24:33there was too much intimacy for my
24:35comfort level. Like, "Oh, we just did
24:37something very intimate and that did not
24:39match the level of emotional intimacy we
24:41have and it turned me off. It was too
24:43much for me." So, I learned to slow down
24:47to build more trust, familiarity, and
24:50emotional connection before sleeping
24:52with someone and it worked. And I'm not
24:54saying you shouldn't do anything
24:55physical. Know where the line is for
24:57you. For me, I learned I was okay with
24:59kissing and making out, and I didn't
25:01feel like that was rushing it, right?
25:03But for you, you might feel like that's
25:04still rushing it. I learned that not
25:07jumping into bed quickly led to having
25:09more time to building that emotional
25:10connection, and kissing didn't really
25:12affect that.
25:13So, when it comes to emotional physical
25:14intimacy, here are some considerations
25:17before moving forward. One, ask
25:19yourself, do I feel confident that they
25:21won't disappear on me after taking this
25:22step? Do we have enough of a foundation
25:25where I feel confident that we're
25:27aligned on our dating goals? Super
25:29important, right? Check in with
25:30yourself. Where are we? How much do I
25:32actually know about this person? How
25:34aligned are we? And are they consistent?
25:36Are they showing up well? Have we had at
25:38least 12 dates, right? That's another
25:40question. And finally, you might want to
25:42ask yourself, why now? Am I doing this
25:45to feel more secure in the connection,
25:47or because I want to take our connection
25:49to another level and explore how we
25:50connect physically? If I ask myself,
25:53"Talia, why are you sleeping with this
25:55person after, you know, you spent 2
25:57hours with them having drinks?" It'd be
25:59like, "Oh, because I just want them to
26:01really like me." Or, "Oh, I just feel
26:04like this will move things forward."
26:06That's not really a good enough reason.
26:07It wasn't because I wanted to with that
26:10person. It was like, I just want this
26:11connection to move forward, and that is
26:13not a good reason, in my opinion. At the
26:15end of the day, if you're not sure if
26:17they're on the same page about dating
26:18goals and how you feel about each other,
26:20and if you're only having sex to speed
26:22up the process, you're probably going
26:23too fast. So, I want to wrap this up
26:25with sharing some signs that the slow
26:28burn is heading in the right direction.
26:30Because again, if you've never
26:31experienced this, you might be like,
26:32"Okay, is this a dead end? Are we just
26:34friends? Like, I don't know." So, if you
26:37feel like every time you hang out with
26:39them, you get to know them a little
26:40more, while also knowing that there's
26:42still a lot more to know, then you're
26:44heading in the right direction. If you
26:46feel your connection gets stronger every
26:48week, that's a great sign, too. And if
26:50you consistently see each other to the
26:52best of your ability, I know some of you
26:53listening have kids and other things
26:55going on that make it hard to see people
26:57like once a week. Whatever is consistent
27:00for you and hopefully with some phone
27:02calls and and FaceTiming sprinkled in
27:04between, like whatever is doable for
27:06you, do that. And finally, if you're not
27:08feeling a ton of anxiety about where you
27:10stand with them, that's an amazing sign.
27:13That's like the best possible sign we
27:15can have here. If you feel like, "Okay,
27:18we're getting to know each other. We're
27:19both putting in the effort. It feels
27:20mutual, even though it's slow." That's
27:23what we're looking for. Okay? You might
27:26And here's the thing, you might feel
27:28anxiety even in a slow burn, especially
27:31if you're not used to it, but that
27:32doesn't mean that you're not on the
27:33right track. So, to wrap this up, I just
27:36want to say, embrace the differences.
27:38Embrace the new
27:40path you're on with the slow burn,
27:41especially if you've never experienced
27:43it before, because I do think it will
27:45lead you closer to what you're looking
27:47for if you want a long-term relationship
27:49that really lasts. Even if you're in a
27:50slow burn with someone right now and
27:52it's not going to work out, getting that
27:54practice and knowing what it feels like
27:56does move you closer to what you want.
27:58It does make you more comfortable for
28:00the next time. So, just remember to
28:01think about it this way, like everything
28:03you're doing now is building up to your
28:07goal, right? Whatever it is that you're
28:08looking for, like you are on the path
28:10towards whatever you are going for right
28:12now, even when things don't work out.
28:15I'm not saying the slow burn is going to
28:16guarantee things will work out. You are
28:18going to discover things about someone
28:19that maybe you realize they're not for
28:21you, or you're going to learn along the
28:23way that you're just not into them, and
28:25that's fine. But, it saves you from the
28:29whiplash of a sparky romance. It saves
28:31you from that roller coaster effect
28:33where getting off the roller coaster and
28:34you feel dizzy and you never want to do
28:36it again, right? I mean, I'm not a
28:38roller coaster person, so that's how I
28:39usually feel. But, we want our
28:40relationships to feel more gentle,
28:42sustainable.
28:44We want to be in them for a long time,
28:45and you can't be on a roller coaster
28:46forever. You know what I mean? By the
28:48way, if you want to submit a dating
28:49dilemma for me to read on the podcast,
28:51you can do that. Guess where? In the
28:53show notes. There's a link that says,
28:54"Submit a question." And I answer one on
28:57every episode. So, thank you to everyone
29:00who has submitted. Here we go.
29:02I, 40 female, met a man, 40, in real
29:05life, and we connected quickly. Within a
29:07few days, he asked me out. Before
29:09anything physical happened, we talked
29:11about intentions. I told him, "I'm
29:12someone who connects spiritually and
29:14emotionally first, and I'm looking for
29:16something serious." He agreed, and he
29:18said that's what he wants, too. But
29:19also, he said that he wants someone to
29:21be safe with and have fun with at the
29:23same time.
29:25We became physically intimate, not sex,
29:27and he was very affectionate, telling me
29:29he'd never felt this way with anyone
29:31before, kissing my forehead, asking me
29:33to text him when I got home, calling and
29:35texting me afterwards. However, we live
29:37in different cities, about 3 hours
29:39apart, and over time, his communication
29:42became hot and cold. He would say he
29:44wanted to see me, but then avoid firm
29:46plan plans, or go quiet for days.
29:48Eventually, when we met again, while I
29:50was visiting his city, he told me very
29:52clearly that he can't give me anything
29:54physically or romantically now or in the
29:55future, and that it wouldn't be fair to
29:57me. He said he's not looking to date
29:59anyone at this stage of his life, not
30:01just me, but anyone. At the same time,
30:03he said he doesn't want to lose me, and
30:04that what we have is more than friends,
30:07and that I can call him anytime. He even
30:09kissed me goodbye after saying all this.
30:11I told him that because I have feelings,
30:13I can't just be friends, and I closed
30:14the door. It's been over a month with no
30:16contact. Intellectually, I know there is
30:18no future here, but emotionally, I still
30:21crave the connection and struggle with
30:22jealousy at the idea of him dating
30:24someone else, even though he says he
30:26isn't. I'm torn between protecting my
30:28dignity and wondering if I overdid the
30:29boundary by cutting things off
30:31completely. My question is, should I
30:33keep the door fully closed to protect
30:35myself, or is it possible to have
30:37limited casual contact without reopening
30:39emotional attachment, and how do you
30:41know which choice is actually healthier?
30:43Great question. Thank you for
30:44submitting. I'm just going to going to
30:46go through kind of from the top. When
30:48you're confused about what someone is
30:50looking for, like he said he wants
30:52something serious to you, but also like
30:54he wants to have fun and he wants to
30:55feel safe with someone.
30:57I would have asked, "What do you mean
30:59someone safe and have to have fun with?
31:01Like what does that look like?" That's a
31:04tip for everyone listening. Like when
31:06someone says what they're looking for
31:07and you don't know what they mean,
31:09clarify.
31:11Another thing here was that you said he
31:13would tell you he wants to see you and
31:15then go quiet for days. This is the
31:17moment that we have to ask ourselves,
31:20"Do I like this? Is this something I
31:22should tolerate? Is this up to my
31:24standards?" Right? Like you can't have a
31:26relationship with someone who goes hot
31:28and cold and who says they want to make
31:30plans and then falls off the grid.
31:31There's nowhere to build from that. And
31:33we've seen this so many times in this
31:34podcast. The whole "I can't date right
31:37now or I don't want to date, but you're
31:39special and I don't want to lose you."
31:42Just because you know someone is special
31:44and you know, that by deciding to end
31:46the connection means you're you'll be
31:47losing them, doesn't mean you shouldn't
31:49do that. Like often the right decision
31:52is the hardest one to make.
31:55There are a lot of special people out
31:56there who you could have incredible
31:59connections with, but timing is key and
32:02not every connection is meant to be
32:03long-term.
32:04It's also possible that part of the
32:06reason why you feel like you are craving
32:09a connection with him is really just
32:11that you crave a connection. It doesn't
32:13necessarily mean with him specifically.
32:16We need to learn how to separate these
32:18things. Usually when a new connection
32:20ends abruptly before it can really get
32:22going, we're mourning the potential of
32:25what it could have been more than
32:27anything else.
32:29Like you need to separate "Oh, I want
32:31him." Like do you really want him? A
32:33person who is kind of wishy-washy and
32:36hot and cold and couldn't make plans
32:38with you. Like, do you really want that
32:40or do you just really want a connection,
32:42which makes total sense.
32:44I think you did the right thing by
32:46cutting it off. And to answer your
32:47question, yes, keep the door fully
32:50closed to protect your peace and keep
32:52your energy open to connections that
32:54could actually go somewhere. Keeping
32:56that door closed is the best way to do
32:58that. By the way, limited casual contact
33:01with someone you have unresolved
33:03feelings for is rarely casual. It's just
33:06a kind of slower and more painful way of
33:09reopening the wound and it's like saying
33:12you'll only check your ex's Instagram
33:14once a week and then the restraint of
33:16that itself becomes an obsession. It's
33:18like you can't It's all you can think
33:19about, right? Cuz you're just trying to
33:21not do the thing that you want to do.
33:23It's better to just have that that
33:25option off the table. Like, you do not
33:27contact this person. How do you know
33:29which choice is healthier? Well, which
33:31choice aligns most with what you want
33:34for yourself? Which choice will make you
33:36feel less anxious and more secure in the
33:38long run? And which choice is holding
33:40your standards, right? A healthy choice
33:43moves you towards people and situations
33:45where the energy is mutual. So, ask
33:47yourself, am I choosing this because it
33:49genuinely serves me or because I'm
33:51hoping he'll change his mind? That's
33:53what I want you to reflect on at the end
33:54of the day. Thank you for submitting
33:56this. This is a great question and I
33:58understand this dilemma. It can be
33:59really confusing because you want a
34:01connection. He was your last one, so
34:03you're craving it with him.
34:05You're like questioning your decision to
34:07close the door. I think you made the
34:09best decision that you could have made.
34:10All right, that's all I have for you
34:11today. Thank you so much for listening.
34:13Thank you for trusting me and don't
34:15forget you're doing great. If you know
34:17someone who is navigating dating and
34:18could use a confidence boost or fresh
34:20perspective, share this episode. And if
34:22this podcast has helped you, a five-star
34:24review on Apple or Spotify goes a long
34:26way. Once again, I'm Talia. This is
34:28Dating Intentionally and I'll see you
34:29next time.