Full transcript
0:00[Music]
0:08When an avoidant wants to come back,
0:10they're not just going to show up at
0:12your door or tell you directly. That's
0:16because avoidance are prideful,
0:18cautious, and careful.
0:20So, they're going to test you in quiet,
0:23strategic ways. With avoidance, it's
0:26always about strategy. and you won't
0:28even know that you're being tested.
0:31The tests are meant to reassure them
0:33that if they do come back, they're not
0:36going to lose themselves again. So,
0:38today I'm going to discuss the three
0:40tests that your avoidant ex will use
0:43before coming back and how to make sure
0:46that you do not fail them. So, stay
0:49tuned. But first, welcome back to my
0:51beautiful no contact army. This is the
0:54general of the no contact army, Luchia,
0:56with the art of love. And have you been
0:59a good little soldier? If you have, then
1:01you've downloaded my app, Sencio, to
1:03help you stay no contact. The link to
1:06that is underneath every single video
1:07and podcast. And if you too would like
1:09to join our army, all you have to do is
1:11hit the subscribe button and the bell
1:14notification and you're in. And to read
1:16our manual, go to no contactsecs.com
1:20where you can read two free chapters
1:21before you purchase the book. So before
1:24I tell you what the three tests are, I
1:26want to talk about why avoidance even
1:28test you in the first place. So they're
1:31not testing you because they're cruel or
1:33they want to hurt you. They're doing it
1:36because they're scared of needing
1:38someone. They're terrified of being seen
1:40and rejected and of losing control of
1:43their emotions.
1:45So, every move that they make during
1:47this stage is an attempt to see whether
1:49you can handle their fears. And if you
1:51can, you're actually going to help
1:53rewire their nervous system to see that
1:55love can actually feel safe. So, the
1:58tests aren't about power, they're about
2:00safety without knowing it. They're
2:03actually looking for a stable anchor
2:06since their childhood was so unstable.
2:10So, the first test is that they'll want
2:12to see if you're still emotionally
2:14available for them without risking
2:17rejection. They want to know if you're
2:19still waiting and if you've been
2:21affected by the silence.
2:24They want to confirm that you haven't
2:26moved on so that they can feel safe that
2:28you're still there as an option. As
2:31usual, the best way to pass this test is
2:34to do absolutely nothing.
2:37Don't chase them. Don't post anything
2:40that they could think is aimed at them.
2:42Don't start liking their posts back when
2:45they start liking yours. That is not how
2:48you're going to get them back. Avoidance
2:51want both emotional safety and
2:55challenge. And most of y'all, you just
2:57give emotional safety without the
2:59challenge. They need both. So when you
3:02don't jump just because all of a sudden
3:05they pop back up, they'll question the
3:07story they had told themselves that you
3:09would always be there. And that's when
3:12they're anxious side kicks in if they're
3:14a fearful avoidant or an anxious
3:17avoidant. And they'll wonder if they
3:20lost you for good. And that fear is what
3:23ignites their pursuit. So you pass the
3:26first test by doing nothing through
3:29silence and selfrespect.
3:32The next test is the vulnerability test.
3:34Once they see that you're calm and
3:36you're not chasing them, and I'm talking
3:38to you guys with an anxious attachment
3:40style, they'll send a surface level text
3:44such as, "How have you been doing?" What
3:47they're doing is gauging your energy.
3:50They're looking for emotional clues. Are
3:53you mad, cold, super excited to hear
3:56from them? If you're angry or needy,
3:59they're going to back away. If they
4:02sense that it's okay, they'll share
4:04something a bit deeper, like, "I've been
4:07thinking a lot about the past." Or, "I
4:10missed you." And if you rush in to
4:12reassure them by saying something like,
4:16"Well, we could have made it work." Or,
4:18"I miss you, too." Believe it or not,
4:21they're going to feel pressured. So, you
4:24want to respond with something like,
4:25"Well, what have you been thinking?" And
4:28this works because it's neutral, but
4:30curious. You're not cold, but you're
4:33also not giving them emotional
4:36reassurance, and that forces them to
4:39clarify their intent.
4:41You're not matching their vulnerability
4:43or nostalgia.
4:45That way, if they're fishing for
4:48validation,
4:49they're going to stay vague and just
4:52say, "Oh, memories."
4:54If they're more introspective, they'll
4:56open up and say something like, "Well, I
4:59realize I didn't handle things right."
5:01Either way, you get information without
5:04giving up power. If they say, "I miss
5:06you," it could mean several things. It
5:08could mean, "I'm lonely and need
5:10comfort.
5:12I miss how you made me feel." or I've
5:15reflected and actually want to rebuild.
5:19And you can respond with, "Well, what is
5:21it exactly that you miss?" And if they
5:24say you, you can follow up with, "What
5:26about me?"
5:28Are they going to say something
5:30emotionally lazy like your smile or
5:33emotionally accountable like the way you
5:36made me feel safe even when I didn't
5:37deserve it? So, you'll basically know
5:39which version of them you're dealing
5:41with. And you can respond with, "I
5:44missed the good parts, too, but that
5:47alone doesn't fix what went wrong." That
5:49way, you acknowledge their emotion, but
5:53you're keeping reality front and center.
5:55And absolutely, do not respond with, "I
5:58miss you, too." Because now you're
6:01rewarding nostalgia instead of
6:03accountability.
6:05And don't ask why because that puts you
6:08into the interrogator role and that will
6:10trigger their defensiveness.
6:13When an avoidant says, "I miss you,"
6:14that is not the finish line. It's a
6:17test. So, your goal is to respond in a
6:20way that makes them reveal their
6:21intentions. If they can go deeper,
6:24there's potential. If they stay surface
6:27level, you've got your answer without
6:29giving anything away. So, with this
6:31test, they're subconsciously checking if
6:34they can be open with you without
6:35feeling trapped. The more composed you
6:38are and show emotional self-control, the
6:41more their defenses melt. When you show
6:45that you can handle closeness without
6:47creating chaos,
6:49then they can't help but feel closer
6:51because they feel safe with you. So,
6:54this test is passed through emotional
6:56composure.
6:58And the last test is reconnection.
7:03They'll want to keep in touch and meet
7:05up, but they're not going to come right
7:06out and say that they want to get back
7:08together. And this is their way of
7:10cautiously checking to see if you're
7:13going to trigger them again. So during
7:15this test, they're looking to see how
7:18you react to inconsistency.
7:21And if you hadn't already figured it
7:23out,
7:24avoidance are not consistent, especially
7:27fearful avoidant. So the key to dealing
7:30with an avoidant is to understand this.
7:33That way you won't be thrown off with
7:35the hot and cold and the push and pull.
7:37And if anything, you'll come to expect
7:39it. So during this test, if you're
7:42demanding clarity or asking a lot of
7:45questions, you're going to fail the
7:47test.
7:49You disarm their fear by staying calm
7:52and grounded, which is often hard to do
7:54if you have an anxious attachment style.
7:57Which is why I always suggest that if
7:59you're in no contact with an avoidant,
8:01you should be working on yourself. And I
8:04always suggest the book Anxiously
8:05Attached, and the link to that is
8:07underneath this video.
8:09So, something amazing happens when you
8:13pass all three tests. The avoidance
8:16stops pulling away. Hallelujah.
8:20Stops being hot and cold because the
8:23number one thing avoidance need and want
8:26is someone who's consistent. Yes, I
8:28know. Even though they're not
8:30consistent. So avoidance don't believe
8:32promises, they believe patterns. When
8:35you consistently show that you can
8:38remain calm, have emotional mastery, and
8:41can love them without losing yourself,
8:44they'll realize your love won't threaten
8:46their freedom, and they'll understand
8:48that committing to you means that they
8:50finally found the peace that they've
8:52been so desperately looking for.
8:56And if you're one of those people who
8:57wants to make a snarky remark in the
8:59comments, such as, "Oh, this is too much
9:03work. Avoid the avoidance. Run from
9:06these people. Then go away and stop
9:09watching videos on getting an avoidant
9:12ex back. If you're so done with them
9:16as you would like to have us all
9:17believe, then why are you taking the
9:20time to not only watch a video on
9:22avoidance, but to also leave a negative
9:24comment about them? H. So, go away and
9:28date an anxious or secure. If you don't
9:31want to have emotional mastery, then you
9:34should not date an avoidant. Okay, so
9:37now I want to hear from the rest of you.
9:40Has your ex tried any of these tests on
9:42you and what happened? And in the
9:44meantime, if you would like my help to
9:46get your ex back, you can contact me at
9:48the arttooflove.net/coaching
9:51and we will send you the rates. They are
9:53not on the website and the link to that
9:54is underneath every single video and
9:56podcast. If you found this video
9:58helpful, be sure to subscribe so you
9:59don't miss out on future videos.
10:02If you're listening to this as a
10:04podcast, then you can also subscribe to
10:07not miss future podcast. And finally,
10:09remember, love inspires, empowers,
10:11uplifts, and enlightens.